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Ways to help your kids (politely!)
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November 1, 2012 — HERALD COMMUNITY NEWSPAPERS - South Shore Parents Today
Continued from Page 3
Why Should We Let Our Children Fly From the Nest? Think about your own best memories of childhood; did any of them involve your own parents? We didn’t think so! Turns out that there are some pivotal developmental skills that we cannot give our own children; try as we might, we can’t: • • • • • • •
Make our children happy Give our children high self-esteem Make friends for our children or micromanage their relationships Successfully be our children’s manager or coach Compete with our children’s electronic world Keep our children completely safe, but we can drive them crazy trying Make our children independent
The psychologist and author Michael Thompson explains, “In order to grow in the ways they need to grow, children have to take the lead, and usually away from us.” Michael shares his strong argument for the loosening of ties. He explains how the camp environment, for example, creates a setting that invites children to learn the lifelong skills of resilience, responsibility, and resourcefulness, enabling them to have emotionally significant and character building experiences – out of the rescue-reach of their parents but within the guiding influence of their counselors. What makes children resilient are the cumulative resources they acquire as they go through life. Camp and school are kind of the yin and yang of education. You might think of school as the “science” of learning, while camp is focused more on the “art” of attaining mastery through opportunities to practice in real-life situations. Dr. Michael Unger, director of the Resilience Research Center, has identified these areas to expand a child’s psycho-social competencies exponentially:
• • • • • •
Building new relationships Finding a powerful identify Feeling in control Being treated fairly Feeling like they belong Identifying with a community
The professionals are telling us to do what is counter-intuitive to good parenting – when sending children to school or camp, where they have the guidance of professional adults other than their parents, let go a little and allow them to navigate on their own and build confidence in their own abilities to find solutions to their problems. (Child therapist Dr. Wendy Mogul refers to the phenomenon as “the blessing of a skinned knee.”) It is then that our children can re-invent themselves because they come to believe in and rely upon their own abilities to achieve their goals and picture their successes:
• • • • •
To be happy and confident To be safe To have friends To be successful in school and life To be independent
Until we meet again…Happy Trails!
ºpoliteness and to explain why various behaviors aren’t appropriate. “There are plenty of opportunities over the holidays for kids to practice their manners,” Kuzmeski points out. “Now, and as you start to attend various festive events, be alert for opportunities to remind your children what the appropriate thing to do is, and to help them exercise those ideals while they are still in the moment. For example, if your child cuts in line out of excitement while waiting to see Santa, reinforce that he needs to wait his turn, and explain to him that jumping ahead of others is disrespectful to them. Also, try not to ‘let things slide just this once.’” Empower them while you’re traveling. Plenty of families pack up and hit the road to visit family during the holiday season. You may be tempted to handle everything on your own for the sake of convenience, but Kuzmeski asserts that this is a wonderful opportunity to empower your children by allowing them to navigate “adult” situations. “Capitalize on all of the teachable moments that arise as you travel with your family,” she reiterates. “For example, let your daughter interact with the hotel receptionist and take care of all check-in aspects except the payment. If you need extra towels in your room, let your child call down to the front desk to request them. You could even let her call the airline’s automated number to double-check a flight time and status. When you accustom your children to these tasks early on, they’ll be much less timid and uncertain as they venture out on their own in the years to come.” Help them to host an event. For most of us, the holiday calendar will be peppered with social events. Your family might even be hosting your own festive get-together. If that’s the case, teach your child the value of being a host and “working” his own party. If you’re throwing a neighborhood gathering, for example, go with your child as he travels from door to door personally inviting each family on your street. Assuming your guests live farther away, sit with him as he phones those to whom he’s closest and asks them to attend your soiree. “Once the big event is here, have your child greet all of his friends when they arrive,” Kuzmeski instructs. “Then, ask him to keep an eye open to make sure that everyone feels welcome and included – while enjoying himself, of course! You can also help him to direct the flow of the party. (‘Now we’re going to play pin the tail on Rudolph!’ Or, ‘If you need more sprinkles for decorating your gingerbread man, just let me know!’) Lastly, teach him to thank all of the guests for attending as they leave. The fact is, many people don’t learn these skills until they’re adults, so you’ll be giving your child a major leg up.” Help them connect at the cash register. ’Tis the season for shopping, and the fact is, if you want good service, you must first be a good customer. Learning the value of connecting with the people you do business with – from clients and vendors right down to the lady who checks you out at the grocery store – can mean better experiences for you and for them. While your kids won’t be pitching their company’s product or trying to compromise with a contractor for years to come, they can definitely start learning the skills that will help them do so. “The next time you and your kids head out to
the market or to the mall, help them figure out how to engage with store employees,” Kuzmeski recommends. “Suggest that they thank an employee who showed you where to find an item, let a manager know about a great service experience, or ask the cashier, for once, how his or her day is going.” Make sure they deliver teacher gifts. It may seem silly to adults who have been conducting their own affairs for years, but personally delivering a gift to an authority figure – particularly a teacher – can be difficult for kids to do. Often, it’s a brand-new way in which to interact with this respected adult, and many children simply aren’t sure how to proceed. “Instead of having your child leave a gift anonymously on her teacher’s desk, or even handing it over and racing away in embarrassment, coach her on how to deliver a gift in a meaningful way,” Kuzmeski says. “Don’t assume your child can wing it – create a script she can use to tell her teacher how much she appreciates her. She might even mention what she has enjoyed learning about the most. Also, tell your child to include her best wishes for a happy holiday season!” Remind them to stay on their best behavior – especially in the presence of adults. As most parents are acutely aware, there are more than enough opportunities over the holidays for kids to be under the watchful eyes of adults who don’t normally see them. For better or for worse, it can feel like your success as a parent is up for debate. Yes, you’ll want your kids to behave for your own sake…but it’s also important to teach them that appropriate behavior, as well as right and wrong, don’t change from situation to situation. “From parties to play dates to family gatherings, explain to your kids that even though they may not be directly interacting with an adult, that adult might still be observing and evaluating their behavior,” Kuzmeski says. “Tell tweens and teens especially that you never know which adult (whether it’s a friend’s parent, a coach, a teacher, etc.) might give you (or turn you down for) your first job or write a college recommendation for you. This concept will also hold true later in life – after all, an uncouth joke in the break room that’s overheard by your boss can have serious ramifications.” “Ultimately, remember that there is no such thing as a perfectly behaved child,” concludes Kuzmeski. “You’ll probably hit some rough patches as you navigate the holiday season, but if you’re proactive about teaching your child to connect, they will be the exception rather than the rule. And remember, by helping them to grow into connectors, you’ll be giving them—and yourself—a truly invaluable gift this holiday season.”
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