The Rhinoceros Times Greensboro
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Yost Says Penguins Will Be Last To Go by Scott D. Yost county editor
It’s the end of the world as we know it – and I feel fine.
REM
Well, so here we finally are. The end of the year. And, also, this isn’t just any average end of the year: This time, not only is it the end of the year – it’s also the end of the world. So, that adds a little gravitas to the year-end festivities this time around. Because, sadly, as you’ve no doubt heard, the world will end on Friday, Dec. 21. I wish it weren’t true either, but there’s no getting around it; the news of the impending end of the world is all over the internet, and, as I’m sure you’re aware, if it weren’t true, there’s no way something like that could have made it past the internet fact checkers. By now, everyone knows the daunting date of definite doom, but you might not know the time – so I’m going to tell you that too: According to the expert interpretations of the ancient Mayan texts – interpretations that have been verified on not one but many internet blogs – it happens at 11:11:11 Greenwich Meridian Time, which, for us, here in our humble community, will be at exactly 11 seconds after 6:11 a.m. Ironically, the AccuWeather forecast for Dec. 21 calls for it to be “Bright and Sunny,” and the forecast for Dec. 22 – the day after the end of the world – calls for, “A full day of Sunshine.” (Yes, the weather people are still putting out forecasts for the days after the apocalypse. I’m not sure what the point of that is exactly, but I think it’s some sort of sick and twisted inside joke among the AccuWeather people.) The good news is that, when the end of the world happens, it will be early morning here – just after 6 a.m. So that means that, if you time it right, you’ll be sound asleep when it all goes down. In fact, my parting advice to you in this, my last column, is to stay up late Thursday night, and really blow it out hard at whatever End of the World Party you attend, so you’ll be passed out cold when it all goes down; and therefore you won’t be awake to witness the black hole, alien invasion, plague of locusts – or whatever form of destruction the world’s final death blow takes. I have to say I do think that, despite my advice to you, when it comes to myself I’m going to get up early and make some coffee, and turn on the TV, just to see exactly how it all happens, because by nature I’m curious like that. And, end of the world or not, I’m determined not to get all down about it. I mean, please. Try not to be so depressed. Come on, sure it looks bleak, but it’s not like it’s the end of the wor— OK, so that usual line of encouragement doesn’t really work very well in this case. But, I mean, really, if you think about it, there’s still plenty to live for. Well, OK, so that’s not exactly true right now either. Granted, there aren’t a lot of positive upbeat phrases that work in this situation – but the very last thing we need at the end of the world is a bunch of doomsayers moping around complaining. Everyone needs to remember that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, and that’s important because you’ll probably need that extra energy to run from the zombies, locusts or whatever, for as long as you can. Don’t think about the future (or, really, the lack thereof). Instead, at this time, we should think back over the existence of the planet. Listen, let me tell you why I don’t think we should be too sad about the end of the world: The earth has had a pretty darn good run – about 4.6 billion years to be exact. I’m sorry, but any world that gets 4.6 billion years of existence simply isn’t allowed to complain when its time is finally up: 4.6 billion years is a heck of a long time to hang around. It’s the time it took for the earth’s planetary mass to form into a solid surface and then for life to arise from the cosmic soup and for men to evolve into beings with opposable thumbs so that we finally reached the height of human evolution – the ability to text each other from our iPhone 5’s. Or, to think about that same length of time in somewhat more mundane terms, 4.6 billion years is approximately the amount of time it takes to renew a license tag sticker at a local DMV office. Which, if you think about it, is a really solid run of time. If you put it in college basketball terms, suppose the same team, say, Duke, won the NCAA championship 4.6 billion years in a row – well, I’ll bet the opposing team wouldn’t even show up for the championship game the following year. Their coach might be like, “Don’t be intimidated; this, is our time; this is our moment!” but I’ll bet his team would just stay home anyway. (Continued on page 14)
Page 13
“If I was traveling through Greensboro, I’d eat at Undercurrent in a second. The food is well-sourced and well-prepared. The people there know that a restaurant experience is about making a diner feel fed and taken care of. It’s not about the chef’s ego, but about a chef who knows how to cook.” Kim Severson, New York Times Atlanta bureau chief, Garden & Gun columnist, and author of several cookbooks including Spoon Fed: How Eight Cooks Saved My Life.
undercurrentrestaurant.com (336) 370-1266