Distorter April 2019 reporter.rit.edu
Make RIT Great Again™ Page 06
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Distorter FRENCH FRY IN CHEESE ???? PUNDER WOMAN New ???? PART TIME UNDERCOVER DEMON VESSEL Denice? OFFICIAL BAGEL TASTER yeet this bitch WORLD’S WORST GRANDPA The Biggest of Oofs LOCAL MOTHMAN ENTHUSIAST boo boo the fool DEPARTMENT CHAIR OF THE UNICORN FORENSIC STUDIES DEGREE PROGRAM AT THE UNIVERSITY OF HUGS Princess Pomegranate WORLD’S BEST GRANDPA British Salt Meiser ACTUAL GARBAGE Swamp Witch PROFESSIONAL SCREAMER
Goddess of Fragile Masculinity RITERSWAY British Salt Meiser, Birdie Mc-Don’tFly-Into-a-Building, Incoming Existential Crisis, Princess Pomegranate, Model of Stress and Anxiety, DJ Vasec-Tommy, The Biggest of Oofs, Denice?, Swamp Witch, That One Bitch Who Quit
Fart FART DIRECTOR Squishy Liberal THE CEO Mom THE FART’S NUMBER TWO a bitter cup of tea ESIGNERSDAY John Mayer’s Guitar, Fowl Play, *notices bulge* - OwO what’s this, Sara Paulson’s Cheekbones, Amelia Pond, too old for this shit, Toxic Cat, Bill S. Preston Esq. Tom Holland’s Wife, Surprised Pikachu, Cabbage Merchant, Ellen the Generous, worm LLUSTRATORSIAY SCRAWWWWW, OneEyed Teddy Bear, OH GOD LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!!!, Big Mood, Smol Oof, Mom, Gail Everhart, Hatsune Miku, Five Children in a Trench Coat, Peak of Dumbass, Jerry Seinfeld
French Fry’s Basket I’m a goddamn noodle. I like crime. I’d prefer not to get the penis articles. Emotionally, I’m always in week 10. I refuse to call Morgan daddy. Why can’t I be normal? I’m a crafty bitch. A very petite Italian boy. Perfectly adequate soup. Do you know how many people you’re going to kill in 2 months ... 2.5 months? I have some bad news for you. Everyone who has worked at the Umbrella Science Division has died. I just watched a mother throw her baby into a pool. Did it survive? I sure hope not. The amount of don’t care I have right now is a lot. My dead grandfather money is coming soon. A fuck little of money. Where are you going? TO BE GAY. Well I’m not getting blown, but I’m gonna squeeze this juice! It just felt unnatural to have liquid explode in my mouth. It kind of looks like drugs, but I’m into it. Who needs Burt’s Bees when you have Lifestyle condoms? I thought I was being innovative, turns out I was just wrong.
All statements were sourced from conversations between Distorter staff. Yes we are listening. Also, fuck off.
Pornography RESIDENT BIG IDIOT Scrappy Doo HOTOGRAPHERSPAY Te$ticles, Taco but really burrito, Cheddar the corgi, That neighbor of yours, Grim Reaper’s Cousin Twice Removed
Business Shit DO YOUR FUCKING HIRING PAPERWORK MANAGER
???? French Fry in Cheese
Strawberry Hoe THEY THINK THAT I’M TOM CRUISE
dummy thicc ass clapper
Online Shit
Letters to the French Fry in Cheese should be sent to frenchfry@cheese.fu. He also accepts ketchup and mustard packets. But no relish. If you send relish, you’ll be fuckin burnt by the staff of DISTORTER.
OLD NEW MIKE Everything’s all fine, everythings all fine GUY THAT SITS IN THE CORNER Alan Turing YEE *notices bulge* - OwO what’s this ADVISOR OR SOMETHING A Man Named Rudy PRINTING eh CONTACT 585.475.2212
Distorter Magazine is published almost never, just when the staff feels like actually doing something. The idiots who claim to be the staff actually spend their days inflating condoms and drawing faces on them and raising them as their children. If you need to reach them, good luck. “All I hear is regurgitation and swallowing.” – A.G. The office is located in Hell. In order to get there you must crawl through brimstone. If you want to reach them by the phone that they never answer you can call 1-800-FUCKOFF. If you would like to place an advertisement, don’t. Also yo, don’t steal our shit, k thanks bye.
April Fool’s You Fuck 3
Table of cover and TOC illustration by Peak of Dumbass
We 06
Make RIT Great Again™ Ready or not, Munchkin has big plans to transform the campus as we know it
Want 08
Killing Two Birds with One Building
Our 10
The MAGIC Center is a murderer and must be brought down
14
@reportermag 4 April Fool’s You Fuck
Guide to Exhibitionism on Campus Say hello to my cousin Mikey in prison
AYL: Where’s Your Tuition? Can you spot the big wastes of money?
Crap Dots 16
Just a Band of Bros, Dudeee A gripping, heartfelt tale of camaraderie and companionship during such troubled and dot-less times
Back 22
The Clash of Colleges The battle between colleges at RIT has begun. Who will you choose in your fight to death?
Bitches 26
Ten Absolutely Fool-Proof, Guaranteed-to-Work, Tried and Tested, Mother-Approved Ways to Avoid Paying Those Weasels a Dime A concept
18
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Ask Munchkin with WATR 69.7 If you have questions about how RIT’s doing, you won’t find the answers here
Secret Life of David C. Munchkin: Dave by Day, The Munchkin Man by Night
28
30
Word on The Street What would you sell your soul for?
Worst of RINGS Text all the random shit you hear or say or think here
Munchkin is a supervillain, simple as that
reporter.rit.edu April Fool’s You Fuck 5
by British Salt Meiser | photography by
R
IT is transforming, and no, we don’t just mean visually as the world around us is buried in ice or even that set of robotic Michael Bay movies that went on for far too long. In a never-before-seen effort, RIT is set to become ©Great Again™® under President Munchkin. Not that RIT wasn’t great before, of course — we have always been highly praised for our highly diverse, monoculture engineers and aesthetic building design. But now, we are on course to make RIT great again. Again. Not ones to shy away from this campaign for greatness, we here at Distorter hashed out an exclusive insider deal to discover the goals of this important mission.
Transforming R IT Where better to start than the beating heart of RIT: President Munchkin. “This is the largest fundraising event in university history, like, ever,” he stated. “We have so much amazing, exceptional talent, and we really just want to grow that. It’s truly great.” Upon announcing such a marvelous proposal, much of the captivated audience — made up of students forced to attend — were spotted with tears in their eyes. Some have suggested that these tears were in fact from the president’s unmoving smile and blindingly bright orange suit, and not ecstatic joy at the announcement. Such slanderous rumors have since been silenced with threats of no glorious Gracie’s food for a semester.
“In between my busy schedule posing for photo shoots, I have ensured the campaign’s funding continues to grow.”
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r
Tes$ticles | design by John Mayer’s Guita
Munchkin, perhaps more than any president in history, understands the student body and is super relatable. “We here at RIT understand that students come here because they don’t like greenery. Therefore, I have specially requested additional new buildings be constructed to reduce this environmental eyesore as much as possible,” Munchkin said. He was reportedly spotted sporting his orange jacket while personally lassoing the new structures into place. Even to his loyal subjects, the goals of this campaign seem ambitious. “Ambitious?” Munchkin said. “Of course it is! But I don’t want our students to worry, we have so much funding for this project! Truly, loads of funding.” “We’ve diverted a lot of funds for these buildings,” he continued. “Understanding how much students enjoy contributing to RIT, I’ve ensured they can do just that with our steadily-increasing tuition.”
One of the buildings currently under construction — featuring a bright orange brick design — is rumored to hold all new science courses to break from the norm. Among those classes are the eagerly-anticipated Anatomy of a Tiger and, as highly demanded in an administrator-exclusive poll, Brick Laying 100–700. Enormous funding has been allocated to this new program, which will increase our outreach to local communities on the benefit of building brick. Initiatives such as this have been implemented across campus. Lacy Brick, director of the new Department for Mandatory Greatness, has been involved since the beginning. Her motto when a project is lacking? “Needs More Brick,” a lesson she exemplifies by shipping only the highest quality American™ bricks for walls around the world. “We love and enforce greatness at RIT,” she declared. “We do what the wind and polar vortices can’t to strengthen our students’ resolve.” According to Brick, her behind-the-scenes work has included brick therapy sessions, turning Ritchie’s frown upside down and upstanding use of financial aid funds.
The Funding Despite our prideful duty as students to give RIT all our money, with such a large bill, how do they fund the rest of their campaign? We asked this exact question to President Munchkin. “Ways,” he responded. “In between my busy schedule posing for photo shoots, I have ensured the campaign’s funding continues to grow. I have sent my agents across Rochester and beyond!” When asked about specifics, we instead found ourselves enthralled with his plans to bring the Tigers’ undefeated football team to nationals this year. The interview ended shortly after. Since then, fake news has circulated around the student body about “seeing administrators on their hands and knees fishing through rivers and couches for change” and “conducting Ponzi schemes
against students on the side.” But, of course, there is not one shred of truth to this that Distorter staff could find. Still seeking answers, we went directly to the financial aid office. After waiting several weeks for our appointment, we finally had what we were looking for. “Well, in line with recent sustainability efforts on campus, we elected to utilize our underused resources. By reselling our underground storerooms of unused condoms, we found a way to almost fully fund certain sections of this campaign,” said Richard Trojan, director of finances. “Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the size of those storerooms, like — ” For the sake of our jobs decency, we had to leave out the rest of this valuable information provided to us. Either way, funding for the billion-dollar campaign is well underway and going perfectly as planned. Munchkin can’t stop touting the brilliance of the billion-dollar plan. “Wait ... billion? Hold on a second, I said the million-dollar plan, million,” Munchkin stammered. “Billion is ridiculous, even for such a multidisciplinary paradise like RIT!” If students have any concerns with the funding for the billion-dollar plan, please file your complaint with the Department for Mandatory Greatness and they will get back to you within 3–5 business years. Go Tigers!
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8 Want
Killing Two Birds with One Building by Birdie Mc-Don’t-Fly-Into-a-Building | photography by Taco but really burrito | illustration by SCRAWWWWW | design by Fowl Play Editor’s Note: This article is 100 percent objective and not biased towards the poor, innocent birds whose lives are being smacked away by the evil windows of the not so-magical MAGIC Center.
E
ver since the MAGIC Center at RIT was constructed, the Rochester bird population has been declining drastically by means of building murder. Constantly coated in a blanket of feathers and lifeless bird forms, the MAGIC Center has gone from a place intended for creativity and innovation to a murderous, heinous, atrocious, detestable murder weapon of a standing structure. Windows have been one of the leading causes of bird murder in the world from the moment they made their horrid appearance in a previously safe-for-birds society. These monstrosities are causing an estimated one billion bird murders annually. Now that this abomination of a building called “MAGIC” — made up of 98.23874 percent see-through glass — exists, the window murder threat has increased by WAY TOO DAMN MUCH. Meryl Cheep, the grief-stricken wifey bird of a recent MAGIC window victim, shared her thoughts on this absolutely repulsive matter. “It’s-bad-enough-that-these-buildings-arebeing-built-where-my-family-tree-has-beenforever-and-I-had-to-uproot-my-whole-familyliterally-and-rebuild-the-nest-but-nowbuildings-are-completely-covered-inthese-bullshit-reflective-piecesof-bird-murder-weaponsMy-husband-is-gonenow-because-of-themHow-am-I-supposedto-move-on-from-this-I-
can-barely-think-about-anything-but-howon his response with their own fluffy I-will-never-be-able-to-kiss-my-husbandword vomit. goodnight-night-again,” Cheep said, while “Good, I hope the birds fly to their deaths. crying over the smashed bird that was once They’re taking up space in the trees around her beloved husband. campus that we want to knock down to build Cheep has taken matters into her own another alumni house — you know, for our feathers and created a petition to remove the precious alumni who we care about more building on CawPrints — a petition site for than our students. Because they give us lots of the angry birds of RIT. So far, this petition is money, even though our current students will the most popular in CawPrints history. But, it someday be alumni,” Munchkin said. “The still probably won’t do anything worthwhile birds stand in my way of making RIT great because even if the petition got like 4,702 again. We’re gonna continue to build these signatures or some other crazy amount of the window-covered buildings, and make the required 200, CawPrints is kind of useless. birds pay for it with their lives.” “We-have-a-whole-four-signatures-this-isThe birds aren’t going to fly for this ridiculous-I-don’t-know-why-we-even-havenonsense though. this-stupid-site-if-nothing-ever-gets-done,” “He-says-he-promotes-equality-forCheep said, her feathers turning a bright all-but-what-about-the-birds?” Stephen shade of cherry red as she filled with rage. Squawking, a renowned bird scholar and “I’m-taking-this-fight-directly-to-Munchkin#BirdLivesMatter activist, questioned. because-something-has-to-be-done-Windows“We-thought-at-first-that-Munchkin-wouldspecifically-the-MAGIC-Center-windows-arebe-sympathetic-seeing-how-his-legs-arethe-worst-thing-to-happen-to-our-specieslike-the-length-of-our-tree-homes-but-clearlysince-cats-decided-that-we-make-good-play-toys.” he-cares-only-about-his-own-twiggy-limbs.” When asked about the loss of bird lives, Cheep muttered under her breath, “I-hoperight-wing President Munchkin had only one his-twigs-snap-in-half.” thing to say — and didn’t even let PR stomp
Windows-specificallythe-MAGIC-Center-windowsare-the-worst-thing-to-happen-to-our-speciessince-cats-decided-that-we-make-good-play-toys.
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GUIDE TO EXHIBITIONISM ON CAMPUS by Incoming Existential Crisis| illustration by One-eyed teddy bear photography by Cheddar the corgi design by *notices bulge* - OwO what’s this
R
IT is an enormous campus — roughly 1,300 acres. Some would say it’s almost too big. It’s stuffed with long brick buildings, moist swamps and girthy forests, creating the perfect cornucopia of discreet hiding spots to screw around in. If you need a bit of spice and adventure in your sex life, consider becoming an exhibitionist.
Java’s Bathroom — “Blind Shot” This one never lasts long. Do a quickie in the Java’s bathroom with the lights off, but you have to finish with a double cumshot. Remember to bring your Java’s Cum Card. Ten punches gets you a free drink with whip.
What’s Exhibitionism? An exhibitionist is a person who is sexually pleasured by being watched, so this kink usually results in public sex. If you’re considering exploring this kink, RIT’s 18,000 students are an untapped potential of spectators to your sexual fantasies. However, this kind of sex isn’t just for the adrenaline rush and cum shots. Camelia Winter, second year graduate student in Alien and Cryptid Sciences, said that exhibitionism saved her marriage. “I’m working on my thesis paper on Big Foot and started spending more time away from the house. My husband was getting lonely. Now we just do it whenever we see each other: my lab, on the counter by the coffee machine, the Polisseni parking lot — it’s great! I love finally being the one on the other side of the binoculars,” Winter said. Exhibitionism isn’t an easy hobby to get into. The Reckless Sexual Kinks and Fantasies Organization reports that 69 percent of adults want to have public sex, but only five percent attempt it. That’s barely the tip! So, Distorter pulled together a foolproof guide to having public sex on RIT’s campus.
10 Our
Sol’s Laundromat — “The Stain Maker” This one is perfect for beginners. Take all your clean laundry and spread it on the floor. Proceed to do the nasty on top. Make it a contest. Whoever makes the hardest-to-remove stains wins! For best results, put the white loads on top.
RIT Archive Collections (Third Floor of Wallace Library) — “Dirty Duster” Check out random, dusty boxes of artifacts in the archive office. Proceed to spank your partner with the priceless and irreplaceable archive collections. Once all the dust has been removed from the papers and evenly spread across your lover’s cheeks, proceed to doggy style until the dust is back on the boxes. But stay quiet and courteous — you’re in the library.
Reporter Editor in Chief Office — “The Fryer” Lock yourself in the Editor in Chief’s office and have a nonstop sex-marathon until your brain is fried and used condoms and empty lube bottles litter the entire floor. Don’t even worry about cleanup. We promise that he’s 100 percent cool with it. The new Editor in Chief ... even more so.
Tiger Statue — “Tooth and Claws” A perfect sex escapade for the dominatrix community. What better way to assert your sexual aggression and thirst for power than riding a metal tiger? The sex position is simple. Grind the Tiger statue to orgasm. That’s it! Biting and scratching the actual metal statue is optional.
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The Sentinel — “Ridin’ the Copper Horse” This one is definitely not for the faint of heart. Climb to the top of the Sentinel statue. Ride yourself or your partner until you orgasm so hard that you actually fucking see the cowboy on a horse that the statue is supposed to be. Beware of thunderstorms, freezing rainstorms, wind storms, blizzards and birds when attempting this feat.
69 PERCENT Campus Center Waterfall — “Ophelia’s Revenge” This one is a blast. Hold your breath and masturbate underwater in the fountain. Sit up as necessary to take small breaths. If someone walks by, recite Ophelia’s last monologue “Pray let’s have no words of this” from “Hamlet” while making excruciatingly awkward eye contact.
OF ADULTS WANT TO HAVE PUBLIC SEX, BUT ONLY
FIVE PERCENT ATTEMPT IT. THAT’S
BARELY THE TIP! Golisano 3D Printing Lab — “Terminator Sperm Delayer” This requires knowledge of computers and all that science-y stuff. You’ll also need a ton of patience because you’ll have to 3D print a hand which takes a gazillion hours. But once the hand is completed, program its fingers to wrap around your member and squeeze very tightly, forbidding any orgasm. See how long you last! If your dick gets stuck in the robotic hand, you might want to find a hospital or a buzzsaw.
Gracie’s Conveyer Belt — “Sloppy Servings” If you enjoy sloppy seconds then you’ll love this. Go to Gracie’s during the dinner rush and eat each other out on top of the dirty dishes of the conveyor belt. It’ll be the best tasting use of all those fucking Gracie’s swipes. Just remember to keep it messy.
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Magic Sound Studio — “Silent Screamer” This is great for exhibitionists who like to be seen, but not heard. Find the loudest screamer you can and fuck them against the glass. Bonus: If you can get the screamer to scream so loud that they’re heard through the sound proof walls, you win! But no mess on the equipment please. The School of Film and Animation doesn’t hesitate to cut fingers off.
Reviews Follow this guide and you are 100,000 percent guaranteed to have mind-blowing orgasms all over these bricks. Students all over RIT agree. “I did all this shit in one week. It was a blast. I got caught a few times by Public Safety but it was totally worth it,” said Brad Chadwick, a recently expelled fourth year in Extreme Frisbee Logistics.
Board of Trustees Conference Room (Louise Slaughter building) — “Mid-Life Crisis” Find a wealthy sugar daddy and proceed to have intercourse on top of your paid tuition bills. Preferable if it’s done during an actual Board of Trustees meeting. If not, leave a graphically detailed note about your experience. They won’t mind since they’re experts at fucking students over.
Disclaimer: “Guide to Exhibitionism on Campus” does not guarantee a mind-blowing orgasm or any form of sexual enjoyment from exhibitionism. Public sex is a serious crime. Students caught engaging in public sex risk being charged with indecent exposure, lewd acts and other crimes, including further RIT penalties like expulsion. All students in this piece were interviewed from jail. The sex positions suggested are extremely dangerous and irresponsible to attempt. Distorter is not responsible for any arrests or injuries if someone is actually dumb enough to try this shit. Like seriously, how insane do you have to be to scale a seven story sculpture just to fuck? It’s also unsanitary. Bedrooms exist for a reason. If you want to get kinky, try some new toys, or role-playing, or some other shit. And fucking in Gracie’s??? Way to make the nastiest place on campus even nastier. Yikes! Orgasmic results may vary.
Gleason Bus Stop — “Blue Ball Banger” Perfect if you’re bored waiting on the Late Evening Eastside bus for hours every night. Strip nude and do it on the bench in the bus stop. The goal is to finish before the heat lamps turn off. Not recommended during extreme weather, like that Polar Vortex bullshit.
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AYL:
(at your leisure) Where’s your tuition? by Princess Pomegranate photography by That Neighbor of Yours design by Sarah Paulson’s Cheekbones
I
nstead of searching for some soulless man in a striped shirt from the Forever 21 clearance rack, we’ve decided to search for all the things on campus that are sucking up thousands of dollars from you and your hard-working family! If you thought Waldo’s nautical outifit was a sin, you clearly haven’t seen a Ritchie balloon. Enjoy!
14 Our
next 50% your parking
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ticket
SALSARITA’S MARKET SPORTS ZONE
GLOBAL VILLAGE (computer)
GLOBAL VILLAGE
FREE APPLE
with an order of chips
Try a sample,
RITZ
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Bring an apple for a
1 FREE MEAL
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Limit to 5 items
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No ID required!
*these are completely legitimate and you should totally use them on campus
JUST
A BAND OF BROS by The Biggest of Oofs |illustration by Smol Oof | design by Toxic Cat
T
he members of RIT’s 1829th Regiment came from different backgrounds, different parts of, like, the world and stuff. Some were engineers, others were also engineers, yet still more claimed to be engineers even though they definitely were not. Regardless of STEM or also-STEM backgrounds, our troops have been trudging through this war-torn land, fighting the good fight and givin’ ‘em hell. You see, dude, it all started when President Wrestler announced his retirement. That man loved this campus, so we knew something was up when he announced his abdication. Shit just didn’t add up, man. Turns out Munchkin was making money moves and went for the coup. As a final act of defiance, Wrestler gave his weather machine to the president of SG — at the time, Larry Banquet — for safekeeping. Banquet did pretty well with it. He got a tutorial from Wrestler so he knew all the quirks that
16 Dots
weather machine had. Unfortunately, we lost Banquet in Operation: Graduation, and his climate expertise went with him. Now, we have Bob Oakley running things. He was Banquet’s right-hand man, so he’s doing pretty well. There’s no substitute for genuine understanding of the weather machine, though. I mean look around ... he’s trying his best but we’ve had a polar vortex, windstorms, ice and I’m pretty sure I even saw a dragon once but that might’ve been for other reasons, you know? Yeah, you know. One thing Oakley didn’t see coming when he took the job, though, was the sheer amount of anger and resentment Munchkin harbored for Wrestler over not getting that stupid machine. So, one gloomy September day, he decided he wanted payback. Munchkin looked out the window of his lair at the top of Eastman and he saw happiness. He saw joy. He hated it. He was
DUDEEE
like the Grinch taking everyone’s presents away on Christmas Eve. And then, the dots were gone. They were a source of joy for us all. I mean, what’s life without dots? How do I live? How do I continue? How do I know when my sentence is over? We knew we had to fight back. We mobilized. Rounded up everyone we knew. Most were pretty eager to join the fight. The SOFA students were the only ones that were a little hesitant — I don’t think I’d seen them leave their caves since the eclipse — but we promised them new art supplies and they came out mouths frothing. That might be more from the asbestos, though. We thought it would be an easy victory ... but the war just kept dragging on and on. CAST and CIAS fell practically immediately, as they were turned to the dark side. We fought
“I mean, what’s life without dots? How do I live? How do I continue? How do I know when my sentence is over?” so many hard battles, but it seemed pretty bleak, man. To make it all that much worse, every loss was met with a new “motivational” poster. The Battle of the Campus Center ... the Battle of Res A ... and most tragically, the Battle of Salsa’s. Every time one of those damned posters went up, dude, like Munchkin was hoisting his flag. It’s tough to get close to Munchkin, too. I don’t know why, man, but there’s always a bunch of bees wherever he goes. It’s fuckin’ weird ... Supplies started running thin sometime around December. Saw one dude resort to eating at Gracie’s ... it wasn’t a pretty sight. We found a pack of Gennys once ... turned out to be a trap set by Munchkin. Bees everywhere. Lost some damn good bros that day ... Things are starting to take a turn, though. We were able to win a victory for the clubs and they kept their colors without falling to the orange and black menace. We have found a few weaknesses in their line, too, so that’s good. Every time Munchkin is around, for example, we’ll start talking to him and socializing and he’ll usually just hiss at us and run away. It’s how we won the Battle of the Fountain Suds.
We’re just running low on soldiers. So many have deserted, so many were lost ... and so many more got too distracted by the MAGIC building. Their eyes just kinda glazed over and they haven’t left that damned building since it opened. It was a smart move on Munchkin’s part — I’ll give him that. There’s still hope, though, dude. This new group of freshmen soldiers coming in in a few months should help reinforce our army. And I’m ready. My vape is charged, my beer stash is chuggable and my dot stickers are extra sticky. Munchkin doesn’t stand a chance. But we still need help. We still need more soldiers for our forces. We need you.
It’s time we end this senseless war once and for all and restore the dots to their rightful place where the world can see. Consider enlisting at your local recruitment station at Institute Hall, where the dots still shine true. This message was brought to you by Tigers for a Brighter Dot Future.
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ASK MUNCHKIN WITH WATR 69.7 by DJ Vasec-Tommy| illustration by Big Mood| design by too old for this shit
One of WATR’s most beloved segments is Ask Munchkin, where RIT President David Munchkin addresses the questions and comments of the community.
Y
ou’ve tuned into WATR 69.7, the throbbing pulse of music. I’m your host, DJ Vasec-Tommy. We’re honored to have President David Munchkin here to answer a few questions. But first, I want to answer a question that is on lots of people’s minds: why do we exist? Specifically us, RIT’s college radio station. Why are we so dedicated to radio, a legacy media format,
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instead of something new and sexy, like print magazines? Well, it’s because people appreciate the human touch. We can’t rely on algorithms to pick what kind of music everyone should listen to. We should rely on a handful of 20-year-olds in a cramped basement. That’s the way it’s always been, and frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with it. We scour the music landscape to deliver to you the best groups of white people with guitars instead of the bad groups of white people with guitars. Some of them even use synths! We feature emerging and diverse music, from indie classics like Bright Eyes to new emerging
artists like Better Oblivion Community Center. Of course, we have our critics. Some people say that WATR never plays hip-hop. But that’s not true: some of our best DJ friends play hip-hop. Because we’re uncompromising. We’re on the edge. Well, if we say the F-word we lose our broadcasting license. But besides that, all bets are off. We deliver high-quality commentary to RIT’s hockey fanatics who can’t make it to the game and haven’t figured out live streaming quite yet. We support our community members by giving them primetime midnight shifts. One day you’ll be in your car, your phone will be dead,
your CDs will be gone and you’ll need something to listen to that’s not dad rock and Christian fundamentalists. We can be that for you! But we don’t just rely on waves of radiation to make your lives better. We’ve branched out into other mediums to broadcast out the truth. Like our challenging, post-modern conceptual sculpture, Studio X. The studio’s perpetual emptiness reflects the harsh reality of America’s post-industrial economy. Its stoic beauty is an incredible asset to the RIT community. Some people might say that’s a waste of resources, especially considering our dwindling listening audience. But that’s not how you become one of BestColleges.com’s Top 51 College Radio Stations of 2016 — yeah, there’s a plaque and everything. Jesus Christ, I’m erect just talking about it. But that’s not the only tall, stiff piece of wood in the studio tonight. President Munchkin, welcome to the show.
DJ Vasec-Tommy: How can we keep making these changes while also keeping tuition low? Munchkin: It’s not cheap to run an almost-top 100 university — those MAGIC Centers don’t exactly grow on trees. If we’re going to keep building these things, you guys are going to have to pay your fair share. Students shouldn’t panic though. After all, RIT’s tuition is two percent lower than competing similarly-ranked private universities in the northeast area. And by incrementally bumping up tuition every year, we get the sorely needed revenue and you don’t notice that much. It’s a win-win!
Munchkin: Thank you for having me. I am here to maximize our shareholders’ return on investment but I will also engage the student body in productive discussion.
DJ Vasec-Tommy: Tough but on-brand. As a newer president, how are you fitting into the RIT community?
DJ Vasec-Tommy: First question — some students have raised concerns about their lack of input regarding changes to campus, like building plans and our recent rebrand. Munchkin: Student input is extremely important to the process, even if the input is that the process shouldn’t happen. We hear your concerns. And we will continue hearing your concerns until you graduate or forget about it. RIT values transparency — just look at all of the glass buildings we’re making these days!
DJ Vasec-Tommy: Can some of that money go toward air conditioning for all of the rooms? Munchkin: The board of trustees sees no way to make that request profitable.
Munchkin: As someone who was born without lips, I know how it feels to be an outsider. That’s why RIT’s unique spirit speaks to me — in a way, we’re all outsiders here. Alongside my six-figure salary, this is what keeps me so dedicated to this wonderful community. That’s why I’m increasing funding toward research and the performing arts, differentiating us from any other nearby university.
Munchkin: I’m proud to say the groundwork for the Center for University Multidisciplinary Spaces, Holistic Opportunity and Technology has been laid. It’s no exaggeration to say that CUMSHOT will be the crown jewel of this campus. DJ Vasec-Tommy: Oh wow, you definitely can’t say that here. What’s th ... oh. Uhhh, breaking news from our business manager — it looks like the FCC has made a complaint and we might be ... losing our broadcasting license. Fuck. I guess that’s it for this installment of Ask Munchkin. Thank you for coming on the show. Oh, and can you reach up and fix our transistor in the top of Eastman? Munson: While it is true that I am what my doctors call “hideously tall,” I think we both know I am not able to complete this request. DJ Vasec-Tommy: Just kidding around, Munch-master. Munchkin: Ah, of course. Japes. I am a fan of those. DJ Vasec-Tommy: Any final message for the people? Munchkin: Austin, come back to me. We could be so happy together. This has been the final installment of Ask Munchkin.
DJ Vasec-Tommy: Exciting. Do you have any other big projects that you want to talk about?
“It’s no exaggeration to say that CUMSHOT will be the crown jewel of this campus.” Dots 19
Secret Life of David C. Munchkin: Dave by Day, The Munchkin Man by Night by Model of Stress and Anxiety | illustration by OH GOD LOOK OVER YOUR SHOULDER!!! | design by Amelia Pond
Beez?
O
ur loving president, David C. Munchkin, is more than what he seems; he is more than our university’s president. According to the Office of the President Propaganda Machine, President Munchkin has a very “crucial” job. “[Dr. Munchkin] is responsible for one of the nation’s leading creative and innovative universities that leverages the power of technology, the arts and design for the greater good,” the propaganda machine read. In other words, he is in charge of our
20 Dots
university and increasing student tuition every year. This quote alone sounds like something is up with our beloved university. In fact, it almost seems like the educational opportunities of our university are merely a front.
The Munchkin Do you ever wonder how all the dots on campus disappeared overnight? Or what created the polar vortex, and why the
university failed to cancel classes? Where did the bees come from? Each of these has one common denominator: Munchkin. A witness saw Munchkin at a hockey game in January. Sam Lolly, who would prefer not to disclose his real name for fear of being disintegrated, saw Munchkin sitting with the Corner Crew. According to Lolly, he did not participate in a single chant. This seemed strange of course, so we looked into it. An insider from the Board of Executives briefed Distorter on the true
The Weather Machine The polar vortex is a good showcase of Munchkin’s powers. It’s common knowledge that our school has a weather machine. After President Wrestler left, our Student Government (SG) president became the new owner of the weather machine. After complaining for weeks that the weather machine had been passed down to the SG president instead of him, Munchkin finally got his hands on it. It’s my personal opinion that Munchkin has not learned to control the weather machine at this point. Munchkin seems to have created the polar vortex completely on accident, although the Board refuses to comment further on the situation. We do know, however, that they couldn’t close the school for something that Munchkin created. They would have had to claim responsibility for the issue, and they’re attempting to keep Munchkin’s powers under wraps. One odd thing is that Munchkin succeeds in making the weather sunny and beautiful during orientation, family weekend, student visitation days and open houses. The rest of the year, students suffer with ice and snow. That being said, the first day of orientation this past fall was extremely rough. It started pouring for the few moments when the freshmen were on the Greek Lawn. Munchkin didn’t seem to have any control over the freshmen’s first day. It doesn’t add up.
The Dots and the Bees? Many students have also been confused about how the dots disappeared merely overnight when RIT changed their logo. Munchkin is 100 percent responsible. All he had to do was snap his fingers and the dots disappeared. Munchkin may, in fact, be the spawn of Thanos and Shaggy, themselves. What about all of the “Bees?” that appeared mysteriously? Well, those were just students — although, as we all know, Munchkin released a colossal amount of live bees on campus. An insider has revealed to us that he did this because he thought that was what we wanted. “He’s trying to be hip with the kids these days,” the insider said. Munchkin doesn’t seem to know that “Bees?” is a meme among our generation, which is why he released the massive amount of bees. For someone who doesn’t understand the meme, I guess that makes sense.
“
He’s trying to be hip with the kids these days
“
reason behind this madness. Munchkin was afraid of burning down the university’s precious hockey rink. Seeing as the Gene Polisseni Center is RIT’s pride and joy, Munchkin didn’t want to ruin it. He feared if he got too excited, and participated in chants, his uncontrollable powers would activate and burn the rink down. What people fail to see is that Munchkin is actually a supervillain. Munchkin is responsible for a great number of RIT’s sufferings, and the university is covering up each incident.
Lolly also told Distorter about Munchkin’s dealings with the beekeeping club. Munchkin actually has been providing our university’s beekeeping club with a hyper-aggressive strain of bees. They’re found mainly in Global Village and are said to be highly dangerous. Do try to stay away from them if at all possible. Finally, I think it’s important to mention that in Indonesia, the world’s largest bee has recently resurfaced. This discovery is way too close to our bee dilemma to be unrelated. These bees have supposedly been extinct for almost 40 years, and they suddenly exist again merely two months after our bee incident?
We suspect that Munchkin used an immense four percent of his power to bring back these large bees. We should find solace in the fact that he brought them back to satisfy our asking for bees; he was just trying to help.
Bricks I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the issue of bricks disappearing all around campus. Where are they going? Who is taking them? It’s easy to assume that students are taking them as mementos for their time at RIT. The truth, though, is that Munchkin is building something. His plans are truly terrifying. Have you ever noticed the “secondary basements” underneath buildings? What could they possibly be used for? Or, maybe you have questioned what they now use the tunnel between academic and dorm side for, and why students have to suffer walking from one end of campus to the other. It was recently confirmed that Munchkin is the one stealing all the bricks on campus, and he is using these spaces to store the stolen bricks ... and his giant freeze ray. Munchkin’s freeze ray looks like something straight out of “Phineas and Ferb.” And he isn’t just stopping with a freeze ray; sources also say he is building his own sauna to go with it. His plan is to, supposedly, freeze the whole the tri-state area while remaining warm in his precious sauna. An insider from the Board of Executives claims he is frustrated with his uncontrollable powers and weather machine — so he is creating this freeze ray to finally seize control of the cold. Munchkin is our university’s supervillain. He is THE supervillain of all supervillains. As the spawn of Thanos and Shaggy, he is allpowerful, and we are at his mercy.
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Clash of Colleges by Denice? | illustration by Mom | design by Bill S. Preston Esq.
T
he time has come. The colleges at RIT must battle each other to the death. The sole victor will receive the rare and never-before-seen gift of school funding. The game will begin when the final brick drops, and the faint and far cry of an overworked student will fill the windy corridors of campus. Will you be the victor? Choose your character wisely.
KGCOE Kate Gleason Character of Engineering Skills
Handy skills — can create anything like a robot army, photon blasters and spaceships to get the hell out of the game. Need extra help? Can contact aliens with satellites. Get a cool alien army. Good with engineering chemicals. Whip up batches of Harry Potter type shit. Shapeshifting, invisibility — you got it!
Weakness Poor communication skills — hella introverted. If you do contact aliens, you don’t know what to say to them. In rare chance of communication, they interrupt other players with “actually,” every other sentence to show knowledge. Peeps will just stop taking to you. Hard to procreate to survive. Just a bunch of nerdy guys. And one girl.
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CAD Character of Art and Design Skills
Weaknesses
High knowledge of human body and their weak points from hours of naked figure and medical drawing. Unique killing methods. High art skills = convincing illusions. Draw a tunnel on side of a wall and watch others drive straight into a brick wall. Underestimated. Access shields to make the character appear like they ain’t doing shit, but while planning a super extra murder.
Two heads that constantly clash. One is a pretentious hipster and the other is an Anime nerd. Cannot travel far. Glitch in the game stops them from leaving labs of James E. Booth and Frank E. Gannett. Somehow get outdoors? Will die automatically from burns when exposed to light — bodies only accustomed to dark and dingy basements.
CET Character of Engineering Technology Skills
Unlock MEGA ATTACK DEATH MODE, for instant kill when anyone litters. Manufacture new weapons and supplies. Access to all best technology and are good traders. Really good at creating packages. Do with this skill what you will. No one really understands it, but you got it ...
Weaknesses Low motivation. Know all ways humans are screwed via the environment. Why try to stay alive now? Two personalities. Manufacturing side creates waste, environmental side is like “hell nah.” Just yells at themselves every time they use manufacturing skill. Packaging science? I don’t know man. Could be a weakness too.
GIS Golisano Individual for Sustainability Skills
World’s resources run out after the game starts? They don’t break a sweat. Already built sustainable base. Team population rises quickly from sustainability. Large “army” as you start a new and better world. High motivation, unlike Character of Engineering Technology. War: just another way to better environment through natural selection.
Weaknesses Terrible at defending themselves. Know how to prosper, not how to fight. Too busy researching and building to notice other players coming to kill — hella bad awareness. Basically, doesn’t really understand the premise of the game — like that naked character running around Battle Royale games with just a brick.
CHST Character of Health Sciences and Technology Skills
High health, so harder to kill. Can tend to wounds with large amount of health supplies. Good stamina. Works out daily and can train others — super speed, super strength, hell yah! Knows how the mind works. Can use psychology skills to mess with other player’s heads.
Weaknesses Little too worried about health. Can only eat healthy foods. Instantly die of explosive diarrhea when subjected to anything artificial. All took Hippocratic oath, so technically can’t kill anyone as it would be unethical. Always has to be sterile. When against opponent (still can’t even kill them) you must go through proper sterilization. Others will just kill you when you’re washing your hands.
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SCB Saunders Character of Business Skills
Comes with snazzy suit and tie that gives protection to wearer. Gets a whole staff. Don’t need to get down and dirty. A hit man, a maid and a butler will all be by your side. Has plenty of daddy’s money to keep them alive by buying some weapons and supplies. Of course you won’t use that stuff, it’s for your staff.
Weaknesses Cannot stop screaming, “Do you know who my father is?” which constantly reveals location and makes you a more enticing target. Cannot survive a world lower than five stars. Once the game starts, you’re screwed in the post-apocalyptic world. All business players constantly backstab each other when trying to climb corporate ladder they created two seconds into the game. Will eventually be killed by own team, if another player can’t get to you first.
GCCIS B. Thomas Golisano Character of Computing and Information Sciences Strengths
Game designer. Knows ins and outs of the game. Think of game maker in Hunger Games, but you somehow are in the game too. Knows who every player is, their weakness and strengths and their location, thanks to high skills in hacking. When caught, other players spare your life because they always want you to fix their laptop.
Weaknesses Bad social skills. Will run in opposite direction of combat, rendering location skills useless. Spends all their time in front of a computer, so shit self-care. Can be tracked by terrible hygiene stench trail. Terrible eyesight from staring at screens all day, but the only way you can survive the game is by staring at screens all day — so good luck.
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COLA Character of Liberal Arts Skills
Wait, Coke or Pepsi? I’m guessing Coke because Pepsi’s a bitch. A yummy bubbly beverage of caramel brown color. Made of caffeine and chemicals filled with love. Everyone is addicted to this carbonated beverage.
Weakness This tasty drink has been missing for a while now. If you ever see a Character of Liberal Arts around campus, please call 1-800-FUCKPEPSI. We are very concerned. Fuck Pepsi. Fuck Pepsi.
NTID National Technical Individual for the Deaf Skills
Really hard to find. Communicates in sign language — good at not making a sound. Team first at RIT. You and campus have a bond like no other. The bricks help you, and you help the bricks — become one, start a family together, die in each other’s arms. Other senses heightened to extreme levels. Can develop x-ray vision and walk through walls.
Weaknesses Becomes so hard to find, eventually can’t even find others on your team ... or even yourself anymore. Deep stuff. Sign language abilities also heighten. Start to communicate on a different level of consciousness than other players. Can only communicate within your group, if you can even find them. No alliances, trades or eavesdropping on other teams. Abilities will eventually heighten so much, will become something so advanced they cease to exist. Become everything, yet nothing.
COS Character of Science Skills
Advanced biology skills. Can start biological war by spreading illnesses, viruses and bacteria. Can perform science experiments on others, basically making their own zombie army. Have no actual body. Just made up of a pair of goggles, a lab coat and some latex gloves. Confuses other players when they try to kill bodiless being.
Weaknesses Constantly exposed to weird chemicals that make them crazy. Becomes mad scientist. Hard to do anything other than laugh maniacally. Constantly performing chemical experiments, with 60 percent of them resulting in explosion or other life threatening results. Socially inept and always stressed. A danger to others, but also to themselves. Think Sheldon from “Big Bang Theory” — ride solo unless you can find others who will put up with you.
SOIS Someone of Individualized Study Skills
An innovator. Can become whatever they want. They can develop any three skills from the other characters. Throughout the game, these skills will become unique to the character. Watch them grow, like raising a child — a pure and special experience. Then, watch the terror and sadness in their eyes as they battle others ... and probably die.
Weaknesses Can also inherit any three weaknesses from other players. Weaknesses maximize three times higher every time you kill. Ha, you thought this player was gonna make the game easy to win. This is RIT, nothing is easy.
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Ten Absolutely Fool-Proof, Guaranteed-to-Work, Tried and Tested, Mother-Approved Ways
to Avoid Paying Those Weasels a Dime:
A Concept by Swamp Witch illustration by Gail Everhart design by Petunia Mulaney
26 Bitches
Be Born Rich Wealth is a choice, and we all make poor decisions. It’s not that rich white dude wearing only Brooks Brothers pants and Vineyard Vines t-shirts’ fault that you were born poor — his financial stability may be reinforced by his daddy’s credit card, but he still pays for his own groceries ... using his mother’s card. You can’t be mad at him for having the easy life. Choose to be rich and all your problems will fade away.
Get a Sugar Daddy Whether you call them glucose guardians, sucrose suppliers or carbohydrate contributors, financial donors can reduce the burden of paying college expenses in exchange for services and activities. From sexual favors to simple dinner dates, the duties associated with being a sugar baby vary. Choose wisely, establish ground rules, practice safety and above all else, know your self-worth. Never settle for less than a hundred a night.
Get Adopted by Your Favorite Professor Everyone has that one professor that they think of as a parental figure. Why not make that a reality and emancipate yourself from your family and have that professor adopt you? Then you get tuition for free. Plus, you’ll always have a ride to school in the morning, so long as you actually become their child — move in with them and replace any children that they previously had.
Become a Drug Dealer
Have a Tragic Accident
College is the time to experiment with different career paths. Who says selling cocaine to students who need that quick hit before a long night of studying is bad? If you are afraid to dip your toes into illegal drugs, you can stock up on cold medicine, Advil and other pain killers to sell to students. We all need to numb the pain that comes with knowing you are choosing to put yourself through the hell that is college.
Instead of paying student loans, make RIT pay them for you with a lawsuit. On a windy and snowy night, so any night at RIT, camp out by a crosswalk on campus. When the timing is just right, jump out in front of a shuttle and let the bus hit you just enough to break a few bones. Sue the college for medical bills and claim that you no longer feel safe on campus and force them to pay your tuition.
Sell Your Soul to Munchkin
Fake Your Own Death
With tuition as costly as it is, you basically already sold your soul to administration, but you could try cutting a deal with Munchkin to eliminate your tuition. As we know, Munchkin sold his soul as a kid to be taller. Now he walks the Quarter Mile as a soulless husk in search of anything to make him feel whole again.
For students, death is something that can only happen once — unless you fake it. Faking your own death and collecting that life insurance that your parents hopefully got for you as a child can offset those looming student loans.
Sell Your Roommate’s Organs A kidney can sell for three to five thousand on the black market and a heart can fetch a pretty penny on dark web — just don’t click on those pop ups for uranium and sexy Russian women. All you have to do is wake up in the middle of the night and snatch some organs from your sleeping roommate. Don’t worry if they wake up, you can just sell them entirely if they start to scream or protest your business venture.
Change Your Major and Don’t Graduate Start as a biology major, and after seven semesters switch to Communications. After another seven, switch to Chemistry, and continue this pattern for the foreseeable future. You may be in school for years on end but by the time it comes to pay the loans you will be so old that you just get to retire and die.
Don’t Go to College If all else fails, just give up after high school and don’t go to college, stay at home, start an Etsy page and sell homemade baskets and napkin holders.
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W.O.T.S. Word On The Street photography by Grim Reaper’s Cousin Twice Removed | illustration by Hatsune Miku | design by Tom Holland’s Wife
What would you sell your soul for?
years ago. I “I sold my soul over thirteen guy. He’s all about should introduce you to my crifice. His name is buying souls and human sa wer flyer for his church* Jesus H. Christ.” *hands intervie
Phillip Francis O’hare ous Life ligi
Youth Pastor at Center for Re
“That’s a very offensive question! Some people were born soulless pawns of destruction.”
“I only want world peace. So I’m going to sell my soul to obtain an immortal army to conquer the globe. That’ll bring peace ... well, after all the executions.”
Melissa Freeman Fourth year, Digital Humanities and Social Sciences
28 Bitches
Vikki McNeil
Third year, Film and Animation
The facts stated are accurate and truthful and if you have a problem with that don’t read fucking DISTORTER. Bitch.
“I sell my soul all the time as credit. It’s actually great. I get all the stuff I want and the buyers split the percentage. I still have 42 percent of my soul left to spend.”
Brittney Kidding
Sixth year, Business and Finance
“I’d sell anything to get my father’s approval but I don’t even think my soul would be enough.”
Dr. Isaac Watson Professor of Philosophy
ers. “To have superpow wer to Duh! I want the po ls at will. grow my fingernai for me.” No more showers
hite AsherCoW mputer Science
Second year,
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RINGS:
UNLOCKING THE VAULT
compiled by That One Bitch Who Quit | illustration by Five Children In A Trench Coat | design by Surprised Pikachu Compiled by Taylor Goeth • illustration by Monica Ngyuen-Vo • design by Dhensel Dorji
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