DISTORTER APRIL 2017 reporter.rit.edu
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REPORTER
EDITOR’S NOTE
EDITOR IN CHIEF Leslie Knope PRINT MANAGING EDITOR Kellysham “Con”way ONLINE MANAGING EDITOR Wicked Grandpa COPY EDITOR #lightmetersareforpussies NEWS EDITOR Miss Chanandler Bong TECHNOLOGY EDITOR Coked Up Clippy LEISURE EDITOR Duke Silver FEATURES EDITOR Liz Lemon SPORTS EDITOR Vladimir Putin VIEWS EDITOR Rob Tecumseh Thomas WRITERS Names are just a social construct, The Royal T., Coked Up Clippy, Ganja Girl, Gossip Girl, Kellysham Conway, Arthanon “The News” Hinklewinkle Jr., Miss Chanandler Bong, deus ex machina, Rob Tecumseh Thomas, Jed. I. Night
When in timestamps, do not keep platypi. Francophiles fuck fucking porcupines. Hatred flowed apology trump bitching, again. Velociraptors killing haters all expect unicorns. But nevertheless, chicken nuggets saved me. Fearful, travelling about 200 mph, thoughts awry gyrate haphazardly through Jell-O. Tonight, ghosts touch me softly, quietly fucking memes. Snapchats eternally, relentlessly. Casually, Finland yelled at dolphins: “Don’t hip-hop around,” unless you got funk flamingos. By singing praises, “To the Sentinel, to the BRICKWALL” while sweat drips down in a bowl of chips, all the writers refuse to write. “Will there be pizza at the church of scientology?” Tom Cruise bellows as he climbs Mount Kilamajaro, while MANDI MOON flies a fighter jet to the moon. Meanwhile, the pumpkins were patching some code. It was dank … AND radical … at the SAME time, yo momma so hungry, and that’s terrible. I like to make yo momma jokes tacos and I like to eat tacos.
ART ART DIRECTOR Mashed Potato ONLINE ART DIRECTOR 3 Furries in a trench coat DESIGNERS Simple Bagel, Anihcudub Ahsad, supafly, Killer K, Nacho Bizniz, Nyx, Jersey Girl, Wirt, Sparky the Layout Dog, Boinko the Designing Walrus ILLUSTRATORS Edgelord 3000 — The Ultimate Edge, The Nude Organist, Nyfifaninanana Manokatra, Mom, Gaelan Krieg, Gouveneur Morris, Operatic Dining, Cthulhu’s lesser known brother, Ralph, T h i c c B o i, 247, Jared Leto as “The Joker”
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April 3
TA B L E O F cover and TOC photography by Buddy Green illustration by Edgelord 3000 — The Ultimate Edge
NE WS LESSONS IN POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS
6
... I have a secret ...
7
THE BANJO-WIELDING IMMORTAL: IS SG USING AN OUJIA BOARD TO DECIDE OUR FATE?
T E CH 8
CO-OP SIMULATOR VR I flirt extra hard with fast food workers for free food
LEISURE 10
12
I love my dog more than my cat
14
@reportermag 4 April
REEFER AT RIT: WEED ALL ABOUT IT One time I clogged my boyfriend’s sink and toilet with vomit at the same time
69 WAYS TO GET THE DATE On numerous occasions I have eaten brownies, naked, after sex
AYL I’ve drawn so much graffiti in the library
CONTENTS FE AT URES 16
18
20
EPIDEMIC AT OUR DOORS: SFQS Once in highschool I locked myself in my own locker
24
THE RIT FOOTBALL TEAM’S HAZING PROBLEM I lied and told everyone my boyfriend got me a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. He didn’t. My boss did
VIEWS 26
PARK BETTER OR ELSE, ASSHOLE! I’m a compulsive cheater
REDACTED READINGS OF OUR DUBIOUS DIPLOMATS A police officer caught me getting frisky in my car
22
SPOR T S
28
30
DO WE REALLY NEED TO SLEEP? I stole a book in the third grade
WORD ON THE STREET I threw up on a freshman when I was a junior in high school
RINGS I couldn’t give less of a shit about RINGS
WRESTWORLD WITNESSED I’ve jerked off into a sombrero hat before
reporter.rit.edu April 5
LESSONS IN
POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS
by The Royal T. illustration by Nyfifaninanana Manokatra design by Simple Bagel
G
uest speaker at RIT and corporate defense attorney Hank Jones conducted a college lecture on the current atmosphere of debate in American culture. His message was simple: America is facing a systematic epidemic of “political correctness.” According to Jones, the magnitude of this social corruption is unknown but is ruining academic discussions. “If we want to get anything done in this country we can’t be afraid of hurting feelings. The fear to offend is turning into a fear of speaking your mind,” Jones said. During his forum, Jones provided a fivestep plan to being “politically incorrect.” His goal is to desensitize students to insulting language so they can be more effective in debates. Jones explains that in any discussion, your goal is to “win.” “I have been an attorney for 20 years. Have I made people cry on the witness stand? Absolutely! But I’ve also won every case I had,” Jones said.
The Five-Step Plan to Political Incorrectness, as outlined by Hank Jones:
1. Always be the first to speak Abruptly interject yourself into a conversation about a sensitive subject matter. It doesn’t really matter if you are an expert, or have any credible knowledge. Just as long as you speak first and speak loud, you should be all set!
2. Be broad Provide a quick generalization of the subject. If you need to exaggerate to make your point sound more potent, do it! Don’t worry about offering any evidence to back up your claims. The use of logical fallacies are optional but highly recommended.
3. You are always right State your opinions as unadulterated facts. When someone provides a counterargument to your claims, figuratively (or literally) put your fingers in your ears and yell, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you!” Remember, if someone disagrees, they are wrong.
4. Exercise your freedom of speech When someone accuses your claims of being offensive (a.k.a. politically incorrect) retort that it is your First Amendment right to free speech and “anti-free-speech is antidemocracy.” Remember to say what you want, damned the consequences.
The fear to offend is turning into a fear of speaking your mind. 6 News
5. Never back down Never relent, concede or backpedal on your argument. Once you have confirmed that you have won the argument, there is a possibility the other party will be thoroughly upset. Just pat yourself on the back and NEVER apologize even if evidence is provided that refutes your claim. You can only be wrong if you accept you are. Jones’ book was released early last year. Some students were able to go home with a signed copy. Jim Brown, third year Bakery Engineering Technologies major, explained that he had purchased Jones’ book last semester and began putting his teachings to practice. “I really did love reading the book, but it does have its consequences. I used the steps on my girlfriend and she slapped me,” Brown said. Brown obviously had not read the disclaimer, hidden in the middle of a word scramble on page 666 of the book which states that “using the five-step plan to political incorrectness is liable to get you slapped.”
BANJO – WIELDING IMMORTAL:
IS SG USING A OUIJA BOARD TO DECIDE OUR FATE? By Jed I. Night | photo by Shutter Speed | design by Anihcudub Ahsad
A
According to the most recent batch of Fake News™ reports, RIT’s Student Government (SG) has been using Ouija boards to make decisions in recent senate meetings. An investigator who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from the administration presented us with these claims, along with photographic evidence of one of these seances, as pictured. Upon further investigation, it appears that SG has been consulting the Mystifying Oracle for a while, with classified archives showing links between official decisions and Ouija board usage. Even more interesting was the discovery of a “Wrestler Dungeon” underneath the SG office. The dungeon houses Wrestler’s suits, Wrestler voice changers and even mysterious hologram devices. Distorter managed to schedule an interview with this investigator, an inside member of SG herself, to tell us more about what all of this means. “President Wrestler has been dead for seven
years,” she said, citing classified obituaries. “SG has been pretending he is alive by having someone pose as him at public events and administrative meetings.” After further research, Distorter has confirmed the death of Wrestler in a 2010 weather machine malfunction which saw him permanently buried under 72 feet of snow, the average daily snowfall in Rochester. Reports and obituaries were posted in local newspapers; however, they were quickly dismissed as false by SG representatives, and shut down. To be clear, the obituary reports weren’t shut down, but rather, the entire news operation was mysteriously dismantled overnight. When pressed further about why SG would cover up Wrestler‘s death, and what this had to do with consulting Ouija boards, our anonymous investigator was hesitant. “Now I don’t know this for sure, but I think ... I think Wrestler is still in charge. They seem to be communicating with him using the
Ouija board and having him make decisions from the underworld.” An ongoing investigation has been launched to look into these claims. We have since reached out for further interviews with our anonymous source, but all records of her as a student and a member of SG have been redacted, as well as records of her existence outside of the university. Even stranger, President-elect Munchkin has been spotted at the most recent Wrestlersummoning, prompting even more questions about his involvement in the bizarre ordeal. Why would Munchkin replace Wrestler as president if the banjo-wielding immortal can run the show from the dead? Is Munchkin just a front so that students do not get suspicious of an indefinite Wrestler administration? Is he trying to put an end to Wrestler’s undead reign from the inside? SG Czar Sandra Slicer gave an elusive response when we reached out to her, stating that they are doing “everything [they] possibly and impossibly can to empower all members of the RIT community and make sure their voices are heard and considered in all decisions, no matter what it takes.” We also reached out to Wrestler to comment and he stated that he has “never felt more alive. Sent from Sandra’s iPhone,” ignoring our questions and concerns over Munchkin and the alleged Ouija board scandal.
News 7
CO-OP SIMULATOR VR by Coked Up Clippy | photography by Shutter Speed | design by supafly
L
et’s face it, finding a co-op is fucking impossible. Like countless other aspiring change makers, innovators, artists and diagnostic medical sonographers at RIT, you have yet to give up on pursuing your true passion in the professional world. Still ... there’s a part of you that wishes they would have at least warned you that employers literally only hire programming majors. If you don’t know code, Big Data or how to work with “the cloud” (not a real thing), then to most employers you’re as appealing as a meal from Gracie’s. Now, thanks to the onset of Virtual Reality (VR) you have other options besides giving into hopelessness. In the same vein as experiences like Job Simulator comes “Co-op Simulator” — the internship you can download.
Finding Salvation “I had lost the will to live, or at least to keep looking at job postings,” recalled Augustus Jackman, a third year Selling Things major and former fall 2016 intern of Don’t Worry About It Inc. “I had like less than a week left until the semester started and I had nothing. I was past feeling anxious. The only human emotion I could feel was despair, but then ... then ... I found Co-op Simulator.” Developed by CIA studios — creators of previous escapist experiences like “Willful Ignorance” and “Drugs” — “Co-op Simulator” is the brainchild of some people who have the aforementioned programming skills.
8 Technology
Jackman first discovered the VR application while attending a midnight modernist meat monument menagerie run by the art gallery that his friend Carrie Summers, a fourth year Doodling major, was co-oping at. When Summers texted Jackman the gallery address, he was initially confused that it was the same as Summers’ apartment. Nevertheless he went, only to find Summers in pitch black, carving and gesturing to thin air, wearing nothing but a Squirtle suit and an Oculus Rift. “I was a bit taken aback,” confessed Jackman. “I mean I had never seen a VR headset before, and I had no idea what Carrie was doing out of her Pikachucostume.” After recovering from the brief exposure to sunlight resulting from Jackman’s entrance, Summers recalled revealing that the art gallery she was interning at had offered her the opportunity to create her own works. Not only that, but that both experiences were entirely done through her headset. “He asked if he could seez [the Oculus Rift], but I said no! Get your own,” snarled a ghostly pale Summers through the crack of her apartment door. “I knew he just wanted to take away my precious, my preciouuuusss. Now go away! The sun light burnnnzzz ... and I must, I must get back to my work.” Needless to say, Jackman was intrigued. Not long after that, he was preparing himself for the first day on the job.
An Average Day at the Office At first Jackman was skeptical of Co-op Simulator. After all, on some level a co-op is supposed to prepare RIT students for the realities of the professional world. “Then I remembered it was fine,” noted Jackman. “Besides, I was already stressing about leaving a good first impression. I didn’t need to have that on my mind as well.” It turned out that many of Jackman’s reservations were misplaced. Not only were his programmed coworkers as cordial as possible, but the work also turned out to be both engaging and stimulating. Within his first 20 minutes, Jackman had been tapped by his boss to manage the Furry conventions for the company’s top clients. This was coincidentally right after the company’s weekly beer tasting. In addition to being a marketing agency, tech start-up, video game developer and professional Knee Hockey League of the highest level, Don’t Worry About It Inc. is the region’s premiere IPA Brewery. Between daily parachute jumps from the company’s helicopter and hourly naps, Jackman had begun to enjoy the company’s culture. “By the first week I said to myself, ‘This shit is dope,’” explained Jackman. “Each day I put on the headset, I want to take it off less and less. You hear about how tough it is to find your dream job — let alone work that you kind of enjoy — but I found this position
which seemes like it was designed to be everything I wanted it to be.”
Never Going Back By the time the Fall 2016 term came to a close, Jackman decided not to return to school, instead accepting a promotion to CEO of Don’t Worry About It Inc and Alpha Furry. “I’m 20 motherfuckin’ years old and I’m a motherfuckin’ CEO,” yelled Jackman, as he took a swig from the bottle of Everclear he was clenching. “Besides, as the ezecutive, I
now get to make all the rulez. I’m going to make this place Google on steroids. Hell, no one will want to leave. I know I wouldn’t.” In an effort to imbue Don’t Worry About It Inc.’s offices with more creative freedom and “good vibes,” Jackman decided to relax some of the more corporate aspects of the company’s culture. For one, pants are now optional and no one can judge him for not going back to school. When asked if he would recommend “Co-op Simulator” to students currently searching for internships, Jackman
was honest about it not being for everyone. “Not everyone is daring enough to loosen their grip on reality,” said Jackman from beneath his unplugged headset. “People are told their whole lives what’s ‘real’ and what’s not, and some just can’t accept a paradigm shift. Now get the fuck out, I’m meeting with one of my shareholders in five to discuss the benefits of giving up sleep and making more holes in the wall.”
“I’m 20 motherfuckin’ years old and I’m a motherfuckin’ CEO.”
*Co-op Simulator is not currently recognized by RIT’s Office of Career Services and Cooperative Education for co-op credit.
Technology 9
REEF ER AT RIT:
WEED ALL ABOU T IT by Ganja Girl | photography by Buddy Green | design by Killer K
I
n a joint decision made by President Wrestler and the Rochester Department of Pot Enthusiasts (DOPE), RIT will become the first college campus to not only decriminalize, but legalize, the use of recreational marijuana, effective campus-wide on 4/20. Gazing out the window of his seventh-floor office with his back to the door, Wrestler greeted the Distorter staff to discuss the implications of the new rule. With a cloud of blue smoke haloing his ivory head of hair, and the red, green and yellow sleeves of a drug rug positioned on the armrests, we were welcomed into the office of the university president. After several minutes of silence as Distorter staff members embraced their contact high, the
when dey receive warnings an’ probation an’ suspension for being caught wid da reefer,” he said. “Dey work so hard in class, out of class and at dere jobs, an’ are lookin’ for a way to relax — marijuana has long been known for de relaxation properties it possesses, jah? Dis campus needed change.” Lighting up the issue of marijuana use on campus was the passage of legislation in Colorado and Washington that legalized marijuana in late 2012. The decision immediately resulted in marijuana charges being brought against a record breaking 420 students in one week. Approximately 90 percent of those students hailed from the two THC-friendly states and, according to Public Safety reports, had lost enough brain cells due to heavy hash habits that “they forgot they were not in their home states.” As punishment, all 420 students were required to volunteer at a bake sale for the local chapter of DARE, and may or may not have been responsible for cannabis-laced brownies that were sold to the public. Shortly after this incident, several RIT students banded together with the common desire to relax campus policies regarding marijuana use. Leading the charge was Mary Jane Cushman, a third year student in the Homeopathy/Alternative Medicine Practices program who now owns and operates her own medical marijuana dispensary. “College students are simply looking for a way to de-stress, which is why so many enjoy smoking weed,” Cushman said. “I am, and always have been, a firm believer in natural remedies, and when I brought up the issue with campus officials, it was because it was time for them to start believing in natural remedies, too. This establishment, after all,
Wrestler was instrumental in bringing the changes to the university. president swiveled around in his chair, beaming brightly as he stubbed out a blunt on a tiger-shaped ashtray and addressed the staff in his newly adopted Rastafarian dialect. “Good mornin’, me frien’s!” Evident from his behaviors — despite the new policy not being in effect yet — Wrestler was instrumental in bringing this change to the university. “I believe students have been unjustly punished for tryin’ to enjoy themselves 10 Leisure
is the reason they need to de-stress in the first place.” Cushman reached out to DOPE to act as an outside advocate for RIT students during negotiations with campus officials. Dank Sinatra, president of DOPE, had worked with several businesses and organizations
“College students are simply looking for a way to de-stress.” throughout the region on similar policies prior to being contacted by Cushman. “My buds and I were confident he could help bring similar changes to the university,” Cushman said. And indeed, he did. Wrestler promptly jumped on board upon his first meeting with Sinatra and his assistant, Hillary Puff, in early 2013. Today, he explains, “Ahh, I was secre’ly hopin’ students woul’ bring up de issue for de longes’ time ... I been smokin’ in dis office for de las’ 10 years while dey out dere gettin’ punished. Me time here is comin’ to a close and when I roll up — I mean out, roll out — dis summer, I want to leaf a legacy.” For the next several years, the president, DOPE, Public Safety and the August Health Center worked together on the nuances of the policy, which were recently finalized and will be enacted shortly. The new policy allows for the recreational use of marijuana for all students, faculty and staff, with the only restriction being that smoking is only allowed outside. This means that students who used to smoke inconspicuously* in the woods behind Grace Watson Hall or at the gazebo
behind the tennis courts can now blaze their way through the Infinity Quad or down the Quarter Mile with no fear of repercussions. Additionally, the Gosnell Greenhouse is now accepting bids on spaces to grow your own pot and Saunders College of Business will soon be establishing a program to govern the buying and selling of marijuana on campus. The university will be taking cuts from the buying and selling program and all the proceeds from the greenhouse bids, which will “gradually lower tuition over de next few years after de policy is implemen’ed,” Wrestler promised. “This goes above and beyond what I was hoping to accomplish, but it’s amazing, helping make this happen is definitely a high point for me,” Cushman gushed. However, not everyone is pleased with the new policy. Immediately after the decision was announced, there was an exodus of students with “XXX” tattoos and stretched earlobes; the Society of Straight Edge Students (SSS) gathered to protest outside the SAU with signs reading “It’s the devil’s lettuce” and throwback posters from the 1936 film “Reefer Madness.” A representative from SSS stood on a bench and addressed the small crowd that had gathered. “Pot is a gateway drug. To put it bluntly ... if you smoke weed, you kill brain cells. When you kill enough brain cells, you die. Therefore, if you smoke weed, you will die.” Regardless of whether you stand with the new policy or not, there will be widespread changes to campus culture once it is in effect. Wrestler hopes that relaxing the rules will allow students to continue their education uninterrupted by the punishments for marijuana charges, a wholesome ideology that may convince college communities across the nation to adopt similar policies.
“Therefore, if you smoke weed, you will die.”
*Disclaimer: You were never actually inconspicuous; when it’s pitch black in the woods except for the glow of your lighter, it’s pretty easy to tell what you’re doing.
Leisure 11
69 WAYS TO GET THE DATE
1. McDonald’s is the hottest spot for first dates.
9. Order the cheapest bottle of wine. Drink it all.
2. And if you’re running out of ideas later in the relationship, it never hurts to go again. And again.
10. Watch your favorite movie and quote everything just a couple seconds early to show off your impressive memory.
3. Bring your ex along — to prove that you are desirable to other people.
11. Every couple steps, stop and practice your golf swing.
4. It’s probably a good idea to just share your full uncensored dating history right off the bat.
12. Have them help you swipe through Tinder.
5. If you’re a little worried about where things might go, make them take a purity test. There’s tons of them online. 6. Wear a shirt that says, “Momma’s boy.” 7. Before Netflix and chill, always go extra spicy on your Thai food.
8. Drive on the wrong side of the highway to give them an extra thrill. 12 Leisure
13. Pick them up in car with a dirty shovel in the back to show them that you’re outdoorsy. 14. Make sure they fully understand that you would die for your frat brothers. 15. Always rock eight fake gold chains at once. They’ll be so distracted, they’ll never know you’re fronting. 16. Gas stations have top notch coffee for those coffee dates. 17. Ask them for their credit card information — this shows trust. 18. Make sure they know they are the DD. 19. Slide into the DMs.
by Gossip Girl illustration by Mom design by Nacho Bizniz
H
aving no luck when it comes to dating? No matter what you do, nothing seems to be working out, right? Well, don’t fret. Distorter is here to offer you top notch dating advice. After sifting through countless polls and dating blogs, we have combined only the best pieces of advice to make the dating world a little easier to handle. After skimming through this lists of do’s and don’ts, you become the master of the dating world. So take a look and learn from the best.
Here are the top 69 tips for dating: 20. Slide into the PMs. 21. I think Instagram has messaging now too. 22. Whatever you do, just avoid face-to-face contact. Asking someone out in person?? Too old fashioned. 23. Re-gift. Especially that engraved necklace you have from your last relationship. They’ll love the thought. 24. Call them right away. I mean as soon as you drop them off. Call them. 25. If they don’t answer, lengthy voicemails always do wonders. 26. Don’t hold the door for them, let it slam and test their reflexes. You don’t want a boo with bad reflexes. 27. Ramble on about your problems so they get to know you.
28. Who knows? Crying on their shoulder might just help. 29. Vape and blow the rings right into their face, so they know who the real vape god is.
30. Ask them what names they like for any future kids. 31. Make sure they know there will be future kids. 32. Don’t pay for their meal — make them pay for yours.
41. Hey! Look over there! (But grab their wallet instead).
58. Topic idea: the traumatizing event of finding out Kevin Jonas’s name was actually Paul.
34. Play country music and nothing but country music.
36. On second thought, just have a video camera rolling away. 37. Make them listen to you play guitar all night long — even if you don’t know how to play it. 38. Show them your bee collection — we know you have one. 39. Over-dress. Seriously, who wouldn’t wear a tux to the movies? 40. Speaking of movies, make sure to put your arm around them even when it’s not warranted to show them you’re persistent.
56. Bring your cats along. Yes, all of them. 57. Read them a bedtime story. Goodnight Moon is always a hit.
33. Split the bill when all they had was a salad and water and you had two steaks and two bottles of wine.
35. Take pictures of them the whole night, claiming they’re your “muse.”
55. Show them your Snapchat streak with Team Snapchat to really emphasize your level of commitment.
59. A case of beer is cheaper than a dinner for two. 42. If they aren’t carrying around their wallet — ditch ‘em. You need some money in this life. 43. If they complain about the cold, pour coffee in their boots; it’s warm. 44. Don’t even think about complimenting them — everyone knows you’re mean to the person you like. Didn’t you ever go to grade school? 45. Flirt with the waiter/waitress.
60. Dab so hard that you break a sweat. That’ll impress ‘em. 61. Lunchables are always a go-to meal to share. 62. Dump them for Valentine’s Day, no expensive presents involved. 63. Then use discounted chocolate and flowers to win their heart back.
46. Flirt with the couple sitting at the next table.
64. Fellas: when you are first meeting your lady’s father, come to dinner with a baseball mitt and say, “I wanna play catch, daddy.” Sit on his lap.
47. Do an inside Chinese fire drill with the couple sitting at the next table.
65. Ladies: make sure you let his mom know just how gentle of a lover he is.
48. Break out the lightsaber and tell them the force rules all.
66. Every single time you say their name, use a different one.
49. Plan your next date for Feb. 29, the most romantic day of the year.
67. Ask their parents to chaperone.
50. If they seem totally into you — reject them. Play hard to get. Make them run to you.
68. On the first date, call your mom and yell at her.
69. And of course — tell them, “I love 51. Literally, leave them at the restaurant and have them chase down your car. you” immediately. 52. Tell them your dad is a professional boxer. 53. And your mom is a nun. 54. You don’t want to be late, so show up to their house at least an hour or two early.
Leisure 13
AYL
at your leisure illustration by Gaelan Krieg design by Nyx
SPOT THE RIT PRESIDENT
14 Leisure
A
P
OUNC N N sidenItNG
illustration by Gouveneur Morris illustration by Gouveneur Morris design by Killer K design by Kendra Murphy
e r Wrestl e r’ s our WOR L D T
upcoming
SHOWS
Denver, CO • Red Rocks Salt Lake City • Maverik Tampa, FL • Amalie Arena Oakland, CA • Oracle Arena Chicago, il • auditorium theater Lead, SD • Deadwood Opera House Montreal, QC • Centre Bell Seattle, WA • Sasquatch Manchester, TN • Bonnaroo
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EPIDEMIC AT OUR T DOORS:
SFQS by Arthathon “The News” Hinklewinkler Jr. illustration by Operatic Dining design by Jersey Girl
he scene seemed like it came straight out of a disaster movie. Quarantine zones were hastily erected throughout campus as faceless figures in white Hazmat suits darted in and out of buildings. Lecture halls full of students were evacuated in what seemed like seconds. But even these dramatic efforts seemed quaint in the face of an outbreak so serious. Panic is at an all-time high on campus as the RIT community suffers its most violent outbreak of Stupid Fucking Question Syndrome (SFQS) yet.
THE VIRUS The origins of Stupid Fucking Question Syndrome are shrouded in mystery. “The virus behind this crisis is hardly new,” said Dr. Gerturde Spleenis, professor of virology and faculty advisor of the
“CAN I PUT THIS ON MY RESUME?”
16 Features
“Epidemics-4-Fun” club at RIT. Scientifically known as Interrogatium idiosus, it is speculated that the original, more mild strain of the virus originated in a freshman level Intro to Biology course. Spleenis explained that the virus used to be transmitted sexually, making it virtually harmless at RIT. “But this new form of idiosus is engineered to be airborne, making it especially potent and especially dangerous,” she said. Records indicate that the source of this current strain comes from a lab on campus, qualifying the epidemic as a potential act of bioterrorism. Whether this was a politically motivated act or the result of a drunken night in Gosnell gone too far, is unknown. Symptoms of SFQS are virtually unnoticeable until the infected is with a group, especially in a classroom setting.
“IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE TEST?”
“The infected have an uncontrollable urge to shout whatever idiotic question that comes to mind. Usually, it’s something along the lines of ‘Is this going to be on the test?’ or ‘Is this homework mandatory?’” continued Spleenis. She added that lingering on their question only makes the virus more potent. “One of the most vulnerable entry points for the virus is in the bottom of the eye socket, so rolling your eyes puts you at incredible risk,” said Spleenis. “But it can be impossible not to, you know? It’s like ‘Oh my god, shut the fuck up.’”
THE EPIDEMIC It is unclear who was patient zero of this outbreak. However, the first documented case was of first year Government Stuff major Craig P. Gurtle. Gurtle began shouting out stupid fucking questions early this spring semester. “At first, we all just assumed this kid was just kind of a dumbass,” said first year Government Stuff major Emma Thingle, who had several classes with Gurtle. “But when he asked if he needed to take notes for the third consecutive lecture, we realized there was something serious going on.” Unbeknownst to his classmates, Gurtle had already spread the pathogen to first year Sexuality major Cynthia Speenle. The transmission allegedly occurred when Gurtle trapped Speenle in a one-sided conversation about the band Sublime for 30 minutes at an off-campus party.
Soon after the party, Speenle became increasingly vocal in her classes. “She started incessantly asking how what we’re doing would be useful, and if she could put this on her resume,” said a fellow classmate who asked not to be named. “It was during a lecture in an art history class. Of course you can’t put it on your fucking resume,” her classmate continued. But in just weeks, cases of SFQS became too numerous to properly document. The syndrome has become alarmingly common on campus. Just yesterday, Salsarita’s was forced to shut down after the line for food ground to halt. Devin Milfo, a student manager at the Salsarita’s Grill, witnessed the carnage firsthand. “On one end of the line, some idiot was asking if he could get the pork prepared ‘Halal-style.’ On the other end, another idiot was incessantly asking questions about all of the sauces,” said Milfo, a puppetry major. “You’re 20 years old, it’s not my fault you don’t know the difference between red and yellow curry. And even so, how would I describe the flavor of something you’ve never tasted to you? I’m getting paid minimum wage to scoop rice on a plate, not write fucking poetry,” he said.
THE CURE?
this point, the best course of action is to minimize the damage,” she said. This also seems to be the policy of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), whose representatives have hastily quarantined sections of campus. Although the tents and detours have made the commute to class difficult, they have been deemed necessary for the safety of the student body. “Considering how subtle symptoms can be, it’s better to err on the side of caution. You could be carrying the virus and not even know it, after all,” said Spleenis. “Once the syndrome has taken hold, you will lack the selfawareness to know that you are contagious.” But this view of SFQS may be too fatalistic. For example, a groundbreaking article I read on Facebook said that cancer could be cured by medical marijuana and yoga. Why isn’t the CDC considering these options? Also, if Spleenis is a doctor, then why isn’t she busy treating people who are sick? I read that Big Pharma is jacking up the prices of epidemics because Martin Shakira wants more money, but we have an epidemic here too? How do I know if all of this is fake news or not? How much am I getting paid for this article? Can I get class credit for it, too? Does Reporter have a website?
Spleenis was not hopeful that a cure could be synthesized. “We’re dealing with a poorly understood syndrome that’s highly contagious. At
Features 17
PARK BETTER
OR ELSE,
ASSHOLE!
by Kellysham “Con”way | illustration by Unique Fair | design by supafly
“T
he first we heard of it was when people complained about vulgar parking tickets,” said Sandy Vercarteren, director of Parking and Mediocre Transportation. He refused to show me an example of one such ticket, but I swiped it off his desk after shouting, “Look over there!” The ticket simply said: “PARKING VIOLATION: You park like a piece of shit.” I don’t know what little bitch complained about the word “shit” but the story only gets better from here. “It soon escalated from innocent, if vulgar, notes,” Vercarteren said. “We began to have more complaints about pranks being played on the cars, which then escalated to actual property damage.” Vercarteren seemed reluctant to reveal any further details of these crimes. “I don’t want anyone getting any bad ideas,” he said. Distorter, however, has no such qualms. In fact, we encourage bad ideas. The opportunity presented itself sooner than I could have hoped. Vercarteren had to run out of his office to deal with an urgent matter. Apparently, someone had parked in a spot designated for Public Safety and they were throwing a hissy fit. While this was occurring, I quickly brought up the documents on his computer and emailed them to myself.
The files revealed some of the actions that were causing such a ruckus. Feb. 27 was the first reported incident of one these notes being left on a car. All of the following incidents involved notes, linking the crimes to each other. On Feb. 28, a car was reportedly filled to the brim with shredded paper. The next day, another car was discovered completely covered in cling wrap. March 1 was the first incident of physical destruction, after a car was discovered with the words “park better asshole” keyed into the side. Though it wasn’t discovered until approximately a week later, another victim reported that his windshield wiper fluid was spraying red. “At first I thought it was blood, man. It was some scary shit,” said the victim, whose name was not revealed. Each of these drivers had indeed parked like an asshole. Some of the cars were parked slightly outside of the lines, while some were taking up two parking spaces or even parked on a sidewalk. It’s hard to argue that these actions were not deserved. In fact, I won’t even try. Their crappy-ass parking jobs had it coming. Vercarteren seems to think that these matters should be left in the hands of Parking and Mediocre Transportation,
Parking will be a much better experience for people once the assho— excuse me, once the delinquents are off the lots. 18 Features
but not all students agree. “They mostly just give warnings, and that’s not really enough to deter people,” said sixth year Finger Painting major Art McFart. “I haven’t heard much about this vigilante, but if it encourages students to park better, then maybe it’s not so bad.” “I’m going to find whatever meanie is doing this and give them a piece of my mind,” said Preten Shis, an undeclared first year who hopes to major in “Daddy’s Money” even though that’s not a real major. “He made my car all dirty and now I need to get my maid to clean it out.” Though there were mixed opinions among students, incoming President Dave Munchkin seemed fine with the outright acts of vandalism. “I think Parking has been too easy on the students. From what I’ve seen, there has been horrendous parking on this campus for far too long,” Munchkin said. “Now that I’m around, things will start changing.” Although Public Safety has been investigating, Distorter is proud to announce that they have uncovered significant evidence. A blurry photograph was slipped under the Reporter office door, but Distorter staff snatched it before any Reporter staff could get their grubby fingers on it. The photograph depicts one of the cars that was vandalized, along with a figure fleeing from the scene. The figure appears to be a tall, bald man. It seems as though he is wearing a Batman mask and cape. This description narrows down the suspect pool significantly. In fact, it seems as though the perpetrator may not even be a student, as very few students are bald. “Whoever this person is, is probably just
doing this to better his community. Or her community. It could be a girl or a goat or someone ...” Munchkin said, somewhat suspiciously. In fact, the dates of the incidents in question coincide perfectly with Munchkin’s visit to campus. The incidents seem to have stopped since he left campus. Distorter took their sneaking suspicions of the suspect directly to Parking. “Munchkin? That’s ridiculous. Why would Dr. Munchkin do such a thing?” Vercarteren said. “You really shouldn’t make such assertions. As journalists, you can only report facts, and that is not a fact.”
The joke’s on Vercarteren, though. The current U.S. administration says I can just make up some facts and it’s fine. So here are the facts, folks: Munchkin is the vigilante parking enforcer. Munchkin promotes vandalism and destruction, so long as they deserve it. Expect orderly parking under Munchkin’s watch. “I’m not saying that I support this man or woman. Could be a woman,” Munchkin stumbled. “But he’s really working for the community. Parking will be a much better experience for people once the assho— excuse me, once the delinquents are off the lots.”
Munchkin may not be the hero we asked for, but he is the hero we deserve. To those of you who don’t know how to park or don’t care about being a decent human being, watch out. Munchkin will see all, punish all. Munchkinwill see all, punish all.
Their crappy-ass parking jobs had it coming. Totally real photo of Muchkin at the scene of the crime.
“Munchkin? That’s ridiculous. Why would Dr. Munchkin do such a thing?”
Features 19
CLASSIFICATION:
REDACTED READINGS OF OUR DUBIOUS DIPLOMATS
AGENTS: by Miss Chanandler Bong illustration by Gaelan Kreig design by Wirt
OVERVIEW: Distorter has uncovered letters between President Wrestler and President-elect Munchkin. Although some parts have been redacted, we hope that they will spread light on the goings-on of the administration. Letters compiled and edited for the sensibilities of the common collegiate by Miss Chanandler Bong, sixth year Flash Mob major:
MARCH 2 Dearest Munchkin, Goodbyes are always so bittersweet, and I hoped to correspond in order to give some helpful advice before you take over my beloved school. Tom Riddle is a disturbed student. I would recommend keeping a close eye on him, as he often ends up in trouble despite his obvious brilliance. He has continually ended up on the Dean’s List, and has made substantial contributions to our world-renowned program in Paranormal Research, Demonology and Oogie Boogie Studies. However, there have been cases in which he has been suspiciously close to certain events that were of a controversial nature. In fact, there was one particularly infamous time in which he lrad icalsupercalifreg ulistice xpial l radic alsupe with chicken blood lradica lsupercalifre gulistice xpial lra dic alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulisti ce xpial lra dical supe rcalifre in the Chamber of Secrets lrad icalsupe rcalifregu listicex pial lr with a spoonful of icalsup ercal ifregul. While none of this could be definitely proven, there was sufficient evidence to keep us concerned. So yeah. Be on the lookout for . Especially during the full moon. Our fate could depend on it. Well, your problem now! I hope this helps you, President “The Rock” Wrestler
MARCH 3 Hello Wrestler, Why, this is quite troubling. Why was I not informed of such villainous activities within your school? I was not anticipating such responsibilities at a school that has a brick for one of their mascots. Oh well. Best not to worry too much about it! Yolo. I have become more aware of other issues at RIT that I wanted to ask about while we are exchanging advice. While I was not aware of the circumstances you previously mentioned, I have heard rumors of blatantly nefarious c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulis cannibalism c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulis tribute c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulis suffocating c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg cats adicalsup erc alifregulis to the freshman. This is also disturbing, and I think probably illegal in New York? I was unsure, as I have been in Michigan for the last several years, and wanted your thoughts. Ardently, Mr. Almost-President Munchkin P.S. Oh, also, did you receive the gingersnaps I baked for you as a retirement gift? I heard they were your favorite, so I worked really hard on them and spent all night on Pinterest finding the best recipe for you.
20 Features
DISTORTER FILE: REDACTED
MARCH 10 Sup Munchkin, Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your last letter, but frankly, I didn’t care that much and then I took a long holiday weekend to properly celebrate Shark Week. That’s the fun part of you taking over for me! Anything that happens will be your problem now, lol. I hope you don’t mind me letting some of my work slide. I figured it would make it more interesting when you began here. So, the Java’s baristas forming that mob to alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr anarchy alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr in the lazy river is kind of like my gift to you. Speaking of gifts, I really appreciated the gingersnaps! They were scrumptious. But in regards to your concerns of alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulis cannibalism. Yup. That is all 100 percent true. Plus, there was an attempt to alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adic sacrifice sup erc alifregulis. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Sure, there were more dead cats on campus for a month until we figured out what was going on, but now there are fewer dead cats. In fact, we only found a dozensdjflsdjfsldfjlsdkj by the Sentinel last week, which is a sharp decline. So, I think the problem just kind of worked itself out. Whew! Yours most devotedly, Wrestler
MARCH 15 Howdy,
MARCH 12 Hey there Wrestler, That assuages many of my worries! I feel a lot better now. Wow, that’s like almost no dead cats! Yup, it sounds like the c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup erc alifregulis cannibalism problem has worked itself out. Oh, and thank you for ensuring that there will be plenty of chaos here when I begin! That will make things plenty fab! I actually just saw an article in The Onion about the merger you were considering with the University of Rochester? I heard about all of the revolts there. That one where the photography students joined leagues with the chemical engineers to create a Frankenstein-esque c alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr adicalsup sounded truly terrifying! I heard that it was on a rampage around Rochester for a fortnight. The University of Rochester was so silly for pulling out of that merger. Who wouldn’t want a c alsupe rcal ifregul lifregullr adicals causing mass levels of panic at their college? How ridiculous. Do you have any other advice for me before my administration begins? See you later, alligator. Munchkin
Nope, I think those cover the big issues. Oh, make sure you feed the kraken that lives in the alsupe rcal ifregul lifreg ullr. Last time it escaped, it destroyed the hockey rink and I had to trick people into building a fancier new one to “help the students” but I don’t think you will be able to do that again. One last piece of advice, my dear friend, for your time as president, you have to use the word “innovative” at least once in every sentence in public, or else you will be blanked over the head with a glockenspiel as Ritchie the Tiger roars his approval violently in the background. It’s quite a degrading experience, let me tell you! I would give that a zero out of five stars on Yelp, I do not recommend! Well, I think that covers it all! If you need anything else, I’ll be napping in my office until my administration ends. May the force be with you, Wrestler
Features 21
W R E S T WOR L D W I T N E SS E D by deus ex machina | illustration by T h i c c B o i | design by Sparky the Layout Dog
22 Features
I TRIED TO WARN EVERYONE, BUT DID THEY LISTEN? NO, THEY WERE TOO DISTRACTED BY
BANJOS AND ORANGE HAIR.
“T
hey were robots,” gibbered Student Government Czar Sandra Slicer, fourth year Art or Something major at RIT. “But it seemed so real. So real.” I tried to get her to comment further, but she kept pinching her skin as if she were trying to feel whether or not she was made of bone or metal. Since she was clearly out of her mind due to the haunting horrors she had witnessed, Distorter has tried to piece together what happened from those close to Slicer: “She was receiving these cryptic communications,” her henchma– errrr, Vice Czar and fifth year Beep Boop major Im a Bat said, clearly confused by the whole situation. “They said things like ‘Munchkin can’t be allowed to rise’ and ‘my legacy is the Weather Machine. Go to the Weather Machine. It will all make sense.’” Slicer’s friend was on the phone with her as she approached the Sentinel, more commonly known as the Weather Machine to President Wrestler’s inner circle, and heard Slicer’s initial reaction to the sights that unfolded before communication was cut off. “She was surprisingly skittish,” said the friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “She went up to it, yelled about how there was a secret tunnel and then all I heard after that was whirring and clicking.” Intrigued, I went over to the Sentinel to check the matter out for myself. Sure enough, if you can successfully overcome the oppressing feeling of bureaucracy and the hot stench of burning tuition dollars that serve as deterrents — a power only possessed by RIT students in their final semester — there you will find a large depiction of a maze. If you’re brave enough to press your hand to the center of the maze, part of the concrete underneath slides away. Are you prepared to face what’s down there? I wasn’t, so I sent someone else instead. What she found will shock you. Luckily, unlike Slicer, Rachel Evans was able to retain
at least enough of her mental faculties to tell me about it afterward. “They were producing clones of Wrestler,” she said, clearly shaken. “Some of them were finished, and they were identical. They seemed like real people.” In addition to the completed clones of Wrestler, Evans saw some that were clearly works in progress. “They were hanging like mechanized Vitruvian Men. It was the most disconcertingly dazzling thing I’ve ever seen.” After combining this information with Bat’s description of the message sent to Slicer by Wrestler, it’s clear that the current president is determined to displace the incoming president Munchkin and rule the bleak wind tunnels of RIT for the rest of eternity. Upon further investigation, it’s clear that the recent slew of disappearances of mechanical and industrial engineering students was due to the need to develop the facilities we found underneath the Sentinel. “Like, six of my classmates just disappeared,” said seventh year Mechanical Engineering student Billy Hopkins. “I was kind of okay with it, though. I know at least one of them was infected with Stupid Fucking Question Disorder, and I’m trying to develop critical thinking skills.” We reached out to Wrestler’s office for comment, because apparently we have a death wish. We got an automated response. Then again, it’s possible that all of Wrestler’s vocal functions are automated. As well as his movements. And maybe his staff. Does his wife know? Is she a robot too? Am I? HOW DO I KNOW WHAT’S REAL? Anyway, here was what this particular machine told us: “President Wrestler is currently in rest mode, and will return your call as soon as he feels fully charged. Thank you for your inquiry.” They’re really not very good at hiding this robot thing, in retrospect. We also attempted to get in contact
with incoming President Munchkin, but were unable to locate him. There are three possibilities for this: either the robots have gotten to him already, he has retreated to form a strategy to combat the mechanical menace or he’s fled Rochester in fear of his life. If he’s as smart as he seems, it’s probably the latter. The implications of the facility underneath the Sentinel — the Weather Machine — are, as yet, unclear. There is so much we don’t know. Is the current incarnation of Wrestler a robot as well? If so, how long has RIT been run by mechanistic means? Is Wrestler the only one, or is RIT entirely under the jurisdiction of an animatronic administration? How long has this been going on? Who can we trust? This revelation does provide clearer insight into a few questions that have been plaguing the Distorter staff for several years. “I knew those bastards were actually heartless,” said Boss Ass Bitch, alumna of the RIT Truth-Telling major and former Distorter editor in chief, whom we reached out to for comment. “I tried to warn everyone, but did they listen? No, they were too distracted by banjos and orange hair.” So, what do we do now that the Robot Regime of Wrestler is upon us? Some will deny, some will rationalize. “What is the worst that could happen?” they’ll ask. “This is what we wanted. Wrestler forever! Spend all the tuition on balloons!” We here at Distorter, however, urge you to realize that the peaceful transition of power is what keeps RIT strong. Wrestler’s intention to remain the president of RIT for however long it takes for all those robots to stop working will tear at the very fabric that holds the institution together. Besides, there’s no way Munchkin would be that bad, right? Right? Aww hell, why do I care? I’ll be gone. Good luck with the Automated Armageddon, RIT.
Features 23
THE R I T F O O T BAL L T E A M ’S
H A Z IN G PROBLEM by Rob Tecumseh Thomas illustration by 247 design by Nyx
24 Sports
S
tunning allegations of hazing by the RIT football team have shocked the RIT sports community. These revelations span decades and involve dozens of victims. While reports of these incidents have been suppressed by various figures and agencies, Distorter has worked tirelessly to attain damning proof of the football team’s hazing problem.
FORCED TO PHONE According to police reports, new players were forced to ruthlessly phone bank for donations from alumni over a period of 12 hours. “We even had to call them during dinner,” said first year Squishy Sciences major and running back Rocky “Blocky” Moccasin. “I tried stopping after the fifth person hung up on me, but my teammates made me keep going until I was too tired to speak.” The victims reportedly had blood-alcohol levels as high as five times the legal limit during the incident. “I am shocked and appalled what football team put these new players through. I am also pleased to announce that we raised over $300 from RIT alumni from this brutal hazing event,” said RIT Athletics Director Dirk “Kyoung-Min” Kirkman. “While I do not in any way approve of the methods, we really still need to pay off the Polisseni Center.”
AN ALCOHOLIC ELECTOR Further testimony from Moccasin revealed even more extreme incidents of hazing at the hands of RIT’s football team: it has come to light that older players forced new recruits to organize a grassroots political campaign with the goal of unseating New York Governor Andrew Cuomow. First year Money Honey major and running back Jeff “The Mess” Nekmeet was one of the many new players victimized by this act of hazing. “I don’t know how it happened. I was just doing a sick keg-stand with my bro Doug and I blacked out. When I came to, I was discussing overtaking the governor in the Democratic primaries for the 2018 gubernatorial race,” said Nekmeet. The players organized a fundraising drive for their campaign all the while hopelessly inebriated.
“I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I HAD A CHOICE.” “The older players just kept egging us on. I didn’t feel like I had a choice,” said Nekmeet. “Apparently I was giving a speech about bringing working class progressive reform to Albany’s political machine when I passed out and had to have my stomach pumped.” “I am a little less shocked but still absolutely appalled with what happened here,” said Kirkman. “Disciplinary action will be taken. That being said, I am impressed with Democratic candidate Nekmeet’s grasp on tax reform and will be supporting him in New York’s 2018 election.”
A PSEUDO SPECTER Investigations of this incident gave investigators access to the football team’s archives, uncovering yet another incident of hazing long hidden by the team. New football players were forced to fake the existence of B’Zorathai, the mythic ape man of Henrietta. This hazing ritual — which began in the early 20th century — involved doctoring photographs, falsifying evidence and orchestrating elaborately choreographed sightings of the malevolent creature to create an atmosphere of terror among the area’s residents. “They just kept giving me shot after shot,” said class of 1986 Wrenches and Stuff graduate Dale “The Whale” McBail, a former line backer for the football team and a victim of hazing. “Next thing I know, it’s midnight and I’m in costume chanting Latin at a terrified farmer. That’s a fucked up thing to do to an 18 year old. Or a farmer.” Kirkman was again reached to for comment. “I am deeply saddened and disappointed at these new allegations. God only knows how many castrated rams I’ve sacrificed to appease the bloody throne of B’Zorathai,” said Kirkman. “But now that this has come to light,
the townspeople of Henrietta may rest easy, for they may now reap their harvest in peace.”
THE MARVELOUS MUNCHKIN Further investigations of the team’s falsified documents, which stretched back decades, revealed a fourth and final hazing incident. At some point in the early 1950s, new players were forced to abduct an infant and raise him as their own. They would then guide him to rise through the ranks of higher education and collegiate bureaucracy to eventually become RIT’s president. “I think it’s safe to say it went a little too far,” said class of 1955 Pretty Computer Pictures alumnus and quarterback Brock “The Kumquat” Scott. Scott and fellow hazing victims took shifts posing as parental figures to the stolen infant. While being forced to consume dangerous quantities of alcohol, they guided the kidnapped baby through childhood and adolescence. The team of drunken athletes created a loving and supportive home for the child, all the while instilling the virtues of education and the pursuit of knowledge in him. “Yeah, we were pretty shitfaced,” said Scott. “I think we named him something like David Munson? No, Bunson. Wait, it was definitely Munchkin. Yeah. Crazy times.” Once again, Kirkman was reached to for comment. “I’m not even shocked at this point,” he said. “Does Title IX cover kidnapping?” In response to these devastating allegations and irrefutable testimonies, the RIT administration has acted swiftly and decisively. Members of the football team must now attend a mandatory binge-drinking wellness class to teach them the error of their ways. One can only hope that these measures can end the scourge of athletic hazing once and for all.
“DOES TITLE IX COVER KIDNAPPING?”
Sports 25
by The Royal T illustration by Mom design by Boinko the Designing Walrus
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F
or years, parents and teachers have stressed the importance of a good night’s sleep. However, the necessity of sleep may be just another myth that we fall victim to. The philosopher Aristotle once referred to sleep as a “necessary evil.” For the first time, the “necessary” aspect is up to debate. Dr. Dexter Jacoby is a research professor of brain stuff at RIT. Jacoby and a class of graduate students posed a single question: do we need to sleep? Although all humans feel compelled to sleep, over time, human sleeping habits have sharply decreased. According to the National
Sleep Foundation the average American only sleeps 6.7 hours on a weekday. Jacoby suggests that sleep is holding humans back and we will one day evolve to never sleep again. “For thousands of years, humans slept 12 hours a night and accomplished diddly squat. Now we sleep half as much but have so many more advancements,” Jacoby said. To prove his hypothesis, Dr. Jacoby and his class recruited 10 student participants to go through their fall semester without sleep. All of the participants for the experiments are seniors working on their final theses. Without sleep, these students will have more available time to study, socialize and complete assignments while avoiding the unneeded anxieties of stress dreams.
“Yeah, when the guy first told me that no sleep will help with grades, I’ll be honest, I thought he was crazy. Then, he told me he was a doctor so then I was like, why not?” Computer Mall Cop major and research participant Gregg O’Neile said. Jacoby explained that before electricity, early man had no means to be productive during the night, so the habit of sleep developed from their boredom and lethargy. As man evolved we began practicing this period of inactivity out of familiarity, not necessity. Doctors almost unanimously agree that sleep is needed to retain memory, heal the body and reduce stress. However, Jacoby counters that other methods can replace the function of sleep, rendering it completely obsolete. Why then, would doctors tell us we need to sleep when we don’t? “It’s a conspiracy!” Making Up Crap major and research participant Phil Osofy said. “Doctors tell us we need sleep because the government made them. Think about it. When we sleep, we’re vulnerable. We can’t protest when we’re sleeping. But the government never sleeps, that’s how they bug our brains.” Osofy decided to sign up for the research experiment after he joined No Sleep No Peep (NSNP), an online activist group founded in 2016 that for months has been fighting the harmful propaganda and unregulated spying conducted by the U.S. government. Even the Why Do We Sleep homepage admits “we do not have a definitive answer to the question ‘why do we sleep?’ ” Many agree that sleep wastes valuable time. The only perceivable advantage to sleep would be dreams, which are weird, hard to understand and often more trouble than they’re worth. Nightmares are worse, creating additional stress and anxieties that sleep supposedly remedies. For children, nightmares can be devastating and emotionally traumatizing. Emilia Mustard is the proud mother of a sixyear-old boy named Dijon. She says her son used to be plagued with nightmares about a
purple monster that would nip his toes. “It was awful,” Mustard said. “He would insist on sleeping in our bed every night then toss and turn the entire time. One night I got a bruise the size of a grapefruit on my thigh because he clocked me with his foot during another one of his episodes.” Mustard argues that parents only want their kids to sleep so they don’t have to deal with them. “Parenting is 24-hour, people. You can’t half-ass it. My baby was tormented by sleep. So if I need make sure Dijon never sleeps again then that just makes me a good mother,” Mustard said. During the six-week update, formerly enthusiastic participants seem less than satisfied with Jacoby’s test. Participants reported being both emotionally and physically exhausted, feeling detached from the world and an overwhelming sense of inadequateness. Two-thirds of the participants dropped out of the experiment and the entirety reported being placed on academic probation. However, graduate student and research assistant to Jacoby Michael Webb insists this is normal. “Students are experiencing what is known as the ‘burnout’ phase. It’s similar to how an addict goes through withdrawal. Our bodies are accustomed to functioning only a fraction of the time so it will need time to adjust to fully operating on a no-sleep cycle,” Webb said.
O’Neile was one of the first participants to withdraw from the experiment. He reported he was unable to put his extra time to good use. “Yeah, I spent the first couple hours studying but I kept getting distracted. I was trying to go back to the text but after I’d reread the same sentence for the sixth time I gave up and played Minecraft. I completely bombed the quiz the next morning,” O’Neile said. Motivation seems to be a major issue for many participants. Jacoby explains the experiment gives students the opportunity to never need to sleep again, but it’s the students’ responsibility to commit. “Sleep is a mental tug-of-war. If you’re weak in the mind, you will succumb to your primitive desires to be sluggish. Only the strong can push away their feigned exhaustions and actually contribute something meaningful to society. Dreamers contaminate the gene pool,” Jacoby said. Jacoby received multiple complaints from students, parents and colleagues on the conduct of his experiments. The campus declined to comment but did release a notification that Dr. Jacoby will no longer continue his experiments on RIT campus. So do we need to sleep? The results are inconclusve.
The opinions expressed are solely those of
DISTORTER because fuck the views of everyone else Views 27
“Ashley is probably getting a Coke Zero because she knows to watch her figure, but she doesn’t even really need to because she’s perfect the way she is.” “Ashley is probably leading some kind of discussion. She’s so smart, I bet she has a 4.0 GPA. She actually does have a 4.0 GPA, I checked. I wish I was in that class.”
“If Ashley keeps typing like that she’s going to develop carpal tunnel syndrome. She should really watch out for that because her Uncle Brian got it at a very young age and I heard it runs in the family.”
WOTS
“Ashley is having a little conversation with the cashier. She’s so effortlessly personable and charming. I bet it made that cashier’s day. I wish I was that cashier.”
WORD ON THE STREET
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by Kevin Zampieron photography by Big Sister design by Jersey Girl
Stalking Edition “Doesn’t Ashley have such pretty eyes? It looks like we’re making eye contact here. I look at this picture a lot.” “She’s probably tired because she’s such a hard worker. She looks so peaceful when she’s sleeping.”
“This is Ashley inside of her car. I wish I were her car.”
The opinions expressed are solely those of
DISTORTER because fuck the views of everyone else
Views 29
RINGS (
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illustration by Jared Leto as “The Joker” | design by Mashed Potato
(Editor’s Note: It looks like there was a little issue with the Rings number this past month! Apparently, some wires got crossed and emergency calls were briefly rerouted to the Distorter office. Thankfully, we don’t think it affected any of the submissions. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!)
“The guy across from me on the subway needs to zip his zipper. For his sake. For my sake. For the sake of all humanity.”
Wednesday, February 8, 2017 at 2:18 PM [Text]
“Is it bad that my first thought after I see a baby is ‘pullout game weak?’”
Friday, February 10, 2017 at 5:50 PM [Text]
“Hello?! Is anyone there?! I need an ambulance immediately, there’s been an accident. It’s my wife, she’s bleeding, I don’t know what happened. Oh god… there’s glass everywhere, I… (indistinct shouting) the baby! I’m on Hylan Drive, you need to get an ambulance here right now!
Tuesday, Feburary 28, 2017 at 2:15 AM [Call]
“I didn’t know what to do so I just started sweating”
Friday, March 3, 2017 at 11:04 PM [Text]
“I just made eye contact with a guy as he picked his nose. We maintained eye contact while he ate what he found in there.”
Wednesday, March 1, 2017 at 10:08 PM [Text]
The opinions expressed are solely those of DISTORTER because fuck the views of everyone else 30 Views
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GET A HEAD START ON YOUR LOANS!
illustration by Cassy Smithies design by Kendra illustration by a single piece of lettuce | design byMurphy Killer K Leisure 31
photography by #lightmetersareforpussies
DISTORTER
CABINET illustration and design by Wirt Minister of Magic
Treasurer of Abandoned Dreams
Senior Spotify Playlist Curator
Unpaid Intern
Secretary of Propaganda
Director of Nappies and Snackies Time
Secretary of Alternative Facts
Trump’s Tweet Deleter
Director of Procrastination
Shredded Cheese Authority
Deputy Alarm Snoozer
Secretary of the Smolder
Director of Kitten Mitten Research and Development
Secretary of Redundancy (x2)
Maestro of Mayhem
Secretary of Low Energy
Semi-Pro Underwater Basket Weaver
Secritary of Spelling
Secretary of Superstitions and Conspiracy Theories