The Open Tent The Power of Clinical Pastoral Education to Transform
By Richard D. Meadows, Jr., M. Div.
Lulu Publishing
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The Open Tent The Power of Clinical Pastoral Education to Transform Copyright 2007 Requests for information should be addressed to: RDMeadowsJr@hotmail.com Library of Congress Catalog-in-Publication Data 1. Grief. 2. Bereavement. 3. Clinical Pastoral Education. 4. Counseling. 5. Pastoral Care. Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the King James Version. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means— electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other— except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission of the author. Printed in the United States of America 2
Courtney Dion (Of God) Meadows 1983 – Lives Forever
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Preface Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he (a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief) took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. And who can speak of his descendants? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and 4
he will bear their iniquities. Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. Isaiah 53rd Chapter, NIV
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Dedication
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I dedicate this book to my wife Linda…who shares in my every emotional journey, whether she wants to or not.
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To my brave children, Torrie, Mary, Mike, Taylor and Jaycina my youngest who went with me to the funeral home and helped me make the arrangements.
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To my mother who makes the world smile.
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To my three sisters.
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To Sandra James and James Quick for our sons, who all transitioned from this life to the next faster than anyone of us could have imagined or before the ink dried on our degrees from Virginia Union. Tammy Pulliam who inspired me on that “day” for your husband and sons.
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To Dr. Russell H. Davis who helped turn the light on inside of my heart. Me and the girls
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Acknowledgements
My walk at Virginia Union University for three years prepared me to give my very best to God, but God himself taught me how to walk in His presence, and to possess His possessions on earth. My theology evolved instantly on the day Courtney was killed and I learned to appreciate the journey called life. I thank Dean John Kinney, my advisor Dr. Mary Young, Drs., Boykin Sanders who massaged my brain, the late Miles Jones, Gould-Champ, McKenzie, Guice-Johnson, Ross, Peterson, McIntyre, Hamilton, Simmons, Smith, Dell, McSwine, Harris, Jackson and Faith Harris. Katie Canon (I was her secret admirer for her books, Katie’s Canon, Teaching Preaching, and her writings on Zora).
Pastor
George G. Bright who is my friend, he knows. Barbara Crump of Baptist General Convention of Virginia for keeping me motivated. Visiting Professor Charles Long for Significations, my mentors Dr. James (Poppa) Cherry of Aenon Baptist Church in Rochester, NY, Dr. Peter M. Wherry and Wanda and my Historic Queen Street Family Kenan, Glen, Percell, Richard, James, Jerry, Audrey, Gloria, Cheryl, Joe, Justice (John Mark) & Bill especially Mrs. Jackson and my spiritual mother Mrs. Hayes. The late Elder Ureese Chillis, Iris (King’s Troupe-Back in the Day) Stevenson, Elder Ronald and Sis. Jennifer Hoston, my brethren Bill, Matt, Robert (Bop), The late Bishop Charles McCoy, Bishop Dwight E. Brown, Renee and TOP Family, Mark/Pam, James, Tony and Kat, Leah, Jimmie, Burgess, Reg, DJ, Renita, Bishop Troy Bronner, Harold, Coleman’s, Pompey, Bishop Curry, Jackie and Vivian, Drayton, Tim, Dr. Mattai, and finally my new friends at Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Center who taught me to listen, sorry mom. The church I served Herbert 7
Baptist in Wachapreague, Eastern Shore VA. Dr. Russell H. Davis and Dr. Kenneth Veazy who have opened the doors of learning, Pat for keeping me on task, Dr. Bowser for getting me to the point, my other colleagues in CPE and finally My cousin Sis. Loretta Evans of the Oblate Sisters of Providence in Baltimore, MD who led me to Dr. Harris of Galilee Baptist Church in Trenton, NJ. Julia and Albert Raboteau of Princeton who both ministered to me and are my “Open Tent.�
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The Icon presented to me by Albert and Julia from their church. This I will treasure. The design of this icon depicts the Theotokos, a most beautiful blossom of heaven, standing among the flowers of paradise. Her Son is visible above her in the clouds, the King of heaven and earth. Along both sides of the icon, framing the Mother of God, are suppliants (us), asking for her intercession. She stands with her arms spread open and her head tilted as if listening. The tenderness and kindness of a loving mother are evident in her face. She stands in paradise and yet among us. Icon's Theology The theology in this icon depicts the Theotokos as also being our mother, who feels our pain. It is believed, by Orthodox Christians, that she intercedes for us, bringing our pain into her Son's presence. She is praying our prayers with love, bringing our needs into the unique relationship that a mother shares with her children. She is our joy, because in her love she hears us. Her unceasing intercession and her limitless love help heal our sorrows.
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The Cycle and the essay of being a mortician were both written by Courtney in 2005. He was an aspiring rap artist as he said and his thoughts of following in my footsteps moved me. I knew he was much like me, I rejected my grandfather’s notions that I should follow him and become a funeral director. I had aspirations of becoming a CPA and a football star at Hampton University. I ignored everyone’s advice to do the reasonable thing and become a funeral director. It was in my blood and after my grandfather’s death in 1975; I decided I would become one to honor him. I believe this was Courtney’s way of honoring me. I tried very hard to get him to feel that what he wanted to do was fine with me. I truly was fine and I hoped he would work hard and fulfill his dreams. The Cycle Bleed the streets so it’s always blood on the concrete Weed and dope secrete cause of it life in general diarrh(ese) When shall we rize, Stop packin guns blowin up blocks in a MPV 5 People don’t get no sleep, so we weep Excluded: x’d through Funeral home becomes the crib, the home, For niggas still packing chrome Try to change my life, Live it right God’s my parasite, My body’s the host One day I’ll make it home, So for me here’s a toast Cont’d It’s the price you pay for getting on, The public thinking you wrong 10
But the codes of the street demands that you sleep with chrome, you got beef You sleep in a niggaz grass like David the gnome, Snitches stay with the phone Got 911 listed as home, Everybody hungry, if you listen we groan Young girls thinking they grown, Havin babies then leave em at home Have momma watch em, the cycles full blown No pops in the home, He smoking crack and he feels nothing he doin is wrong So when them kids grow up everything they ever known is so wrong So the cycle goes on, Why you punish us like this God I know why because the streets we won’t leave it alone
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Why I want to be a Mortician By Courtney D. Meadows “Meadows Funeral Home may I help you?” That damn line became so repetitive it made me sick. I couldn’t stand when my father made me answer phones, clean, help prep bodies, type obituaries. You name it I done it. Now that I don’t get those orders anymore, I wish I could receive them all day every day. I grew up in the funeral business. My father, for 13 years owned and operated Meadows Funeral Home located in Buffalo, NY. He was a 3rd generation mortician. Before he retired and moved to Norfolk, VA, I swore to myself I would not become the 4th. I had decided I was going to be a NFL superstar. No better yet a rapper, and then finally a high school history teacher. All of those prospective occupations slowly but surely left my thoughts, but the funeral business never has. My dad retired in August 2000 and closed the family business for good. He had asked me and my older brother if we wanted the business. Not thinking both of us said no. Here it is almost five years later and I can’t think of nothing more than the funeral. When I wake up I think funeral. When I’m in class working on my history degree I think funeral. When I sleep I think funeral. When I’m working in my football skills, I can’t think nothing else but FUNERAL. I wish to someday resurrect my now sleeping family business that my great grandfather started in 1936. I want to do hands on community work using my funeral home as the headquarters for change, not just dead people. I want to continue the legacy of great work.
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My father, no matter how upset the families were always found a way to make them smile or he may have said something to make their day go easier. He also let his work speak for itself no matter what people said. People best remember my dad for those qualities and I want that same recognition as well. I want to serve people in their time of need. I want to be the best.
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Introduction No greater love has no man then this, that he would lay down his life for a friend i
I was only steps away from graduation when
my life changed forever. I was promoted to a Master of Divinity and was awarded my hood, along with it the invitation to be introduced to A Man of Sorrow Acquainted with Grief.
Not only would I be
promoted, but several weeks later, my classmates Sandra James would lose her son to violence in Baltimore, MD., and six months later, James Quick’s son would be killed in a motorcycle accident. I would learn quickly that I had a lot to learn about theology and the bitter pain associated with living.
This book has been hard to begin and even harder to
continuously write. Just the thought of what will emanate from my spirit brings me to tears. I am writing to basically liberate some my thoughts and to establish some type of rapport with myself and you. Many times I use liberally the term we, because I have a hard time differentiating at times whether this book is designed by my desire to help me as much as to help you. It is hard to tell if this book will help you, educate you or inspire you. Don’t be upset if I am performing self-therapy, I do this for me. I decided that Jesus was this man who suffered and I now share in the fellowship of his suffering and the pain of death. I went to Princeton to share in the Paschal (Passover) and then a couple of days I give (lose) my son. Father God and I now have something in common. Never-the14
less… I don’t know if I have a theological book, a pastoral care book, a grief book or a story of some people like you who have gone through the valley of the shadow of death. You decide its genre; I’m only expressing in a convoluted sort of way my love for you.
"Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover the lower part of your face or eat the customary food of mourners."
The
Words of Ezekiel the Prophet.
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Chapter One I have to begin somewhere; my cell phone rang on a Monday morning while I was traveling on US 13 South returning from Princeton, NJ. I was there visiting two new friends, Albert and Julia Raboteau. It was a beautiful morning like most mornings in my life. I found ways that if a day was bad I would make it good. Why would I think I would pick up the phone and there would be a problem I could not handle? I prided myself in handling, my problems, and other folk’s problems; and if I could the world’s problems. When I answered my world stopped and all grew silent. On the other end of the phone was my mother telling me my 21 year-old son Courtney had been shot by a gunman trying to kill someone else and that “they could not save him.” I felt the wave of sorrow like none I had ever felt. I was lost on a lonely road and trapped by my own thoughts and imaginations. I sat in my car on the side of the road and I could not go east or west. I could only travel south toward my home in Norfolk.
The years I spent
supporting and dealing with families in grief never prepared me for this crushing wave of pain. I have now lost my friend and son and I can never feel the warmth of his embrace again. In the background I hear the words of a song, sung by Lala Hathaway, Donnie Hathaway’s daughter For all we know, We may never meet again Before you go, Make this moment sweet again 16
We won't say goodnight, Until the last minute I'll hold out my hand, And my heart will be in it For all we know, This may only be a dream We come and go, Like a ripple on a stream So love me, tonight, Tomorrow was made for some Tomorrow, may never come, For all we know Tomorrow may never come, For all we know. There were two reasons that I went to NJ on that weekend, first, was to reward myself for three years of hard work at seminary. I was graduating the next Saturday and I remember thinking how satisfying a reward this was for me. I would sneak off and find a quiet time and celebration by myself. Second reason was to meet Dr. Albert Raboteau. He is an author of many books, a professor at Princeton University in New Jersey and he is one of the founders of the Mary Our Mother of Sorrows Orthodox Church. I drove up from Norfolk, VA on a Saturday and arrived 11:00 a.m. that morning in time for their Pascha, the Passover according to the Greek Orthodox calendar. When I arrived that morning for the first of two services I was greeted by Julia, Albert’s wife. A welcoming face that made me feel I was in the right place. In his book Reaching Out, Henri Nouwen helps me define Julia’s warmth and greeting as “creating free and friendly space for the stranger.” After the second service that night Albert’s church welcomed me to the one o’clock a.m. Sunday feast they had and made me feel even more like family. 17
When I met Albert we seemed like old friends. We talked about his textbooks, we went shopping for Sunday’s brunch, cooked in his kitchen and both of us agreed that we really did not know why God had allowed us to meet. While there he gave me a copy of a small book he wrote titled A Sorrowful Joy. I read it later that afternoon and I thought I was beginning to understand why God had allowed us to meet. God always seems to connect us to others, because they have such great impact upon our future and that our pasts and/or future have a lot in common. On that Sunday while looking for my cousin Sister Loretto Evans in Trenton, I would also meet Dr. Harris of Galilee Baptist Church. Before church service I would hear his story and think of how blessed I was to meet him. Dr. Harris’ son was killed some years back and Dr. Harris survived cancer. I was amazed at the bravery and courage of both of these men to face life in spite of the obstacles. My three years at seminary gave me a safe place to grow; and meeting Albert, Julia and John all prepared me for the days that followed they were that open tent. The same week I returned to Virginia from Courtney’s funeral Thursday in Buffalo, on Frday. A day later; Saturday I received my Masters of Divinity at the graduation. The morning of the graduation was filled with sunshine I had debated whether or not to go, but one of the students Tammy Pulliam who had lost her husband and two sons in a tragic automobile accident three years prior reminded me how my son would be proud of me and was watching made me. Her words made me feel as though I was on top of a mountain with him looking down on that day. It was Tammy’s words which helped me to move forward that week. The tears flowed as I waved at my mother, wife and daughters in 18
the stands at the graduation. I marched on to the field and as the words of the song said, “I held out my hand and my heart was in it.� That morning I knew that things had changed. I was right, it had. Thank you, Virginia Union, Mary Our Mother of Sorrows Orthodox Church, Tammy, John, Albert and Julia for guarding my heart.
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Chapter Two I had the pleasure of growing up in a family with a richness and history of culture, on both my paternal and maternal sides of the family. My grandfather Van Byrd educated at Hampton Normal Institute (Hampton University), trained blacksmith who was a kind and gentle soul, his wife Viola educated at Virginia Normal (Virginia State University) a retired teacher and fine cook, loved their family. On my paternal side my grandfather, Huby M. Meadows, Sr., educated at Morris Brown and Rensslear Polytech, a funeral director, was a big, jolly, robust businessman who would light up a room with his boisterous laugh, witty and droll behavior. I never knew he was wealthy and generous until I lived with him during my last three years of high school and from that relationship, I grew into the man I am now. I do what I do and serve, because of his teachings. Many times, his tears and frustrations over the behavior of young people including me who only to wanted to glean the bounty of the land and make no sacrifices disappointed him. His wife my grandmother Mable, educated at Morris Brown as a teacher was caring and also ready to teach you about entertaining and welcoming folks. Her main hobbies were Bridge, socializing and grand affairs. She was from Charleston SC and I did not know a lot about her history, but could appreciate her mysterious life history for the abilities she had to love and entertain. Her meals were memorials to her love of family. She did many of the things she did to please my grandfather, but she also loved him and us.
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I have always felt abandoned by my father, who never took time in my formative years to be there as a confidant and guide. I had always wanted a father much like my grandfather, one who would nurture and show you about how things and life operated. I have now come to understand that my dad did not have the skills to be a parent. He has always been more of a friend or someone else’s dad. There was much pain associated with his behavior toward me, my mother and sisters. I was always able to avoid the brunt of his abusive behavior or direct hits of psychological abuse at times because of my many escapes from reality. With my many friends and a rewarding street life, I would play football, games and gone on many travels with my friends. Those activities helped me to escape. Mr. Arthur O. Eve always made sure I was to get away from the evil in the streets of Buffalo, by allowing me to go to the Buffalo Bills games in his place when he was away serving as a NY State Assemblyman in Albany, NY.
His son who is my lifelong friend
“Champ”, and I went to summer camp in Canada and I also had many cabin get-a-ways with their family. I always felt like one of their children. It made me appreciate family and to later in life plan activities and always includes my own children in those plans. My first child Courtney, I traveled with for the first fourteen years of his life. We would go everywhere together, we became friends and confidants. He was a joy and had many of the characteristics of both sides of my family. As funny as his grandfather Huby and as gentle as his other grandfather Van Byrd. He did not have trouble with words and talking until he got to the word remember which he would pronounce “re-namember” until about age five. He was the life of his school in pre21
school, kindergarten straight through High School. I would always tell him he was an underachiever; meaning he could always do better at school, sports or whatever. He was always distracted in that he was always giving himself.
By giving so much of himself he always
surrendered to outside forces and by doing so he would never reach his own personal potential.
One teacher Sister Timothy who knew my
family especially my cousin Sister Loretto Evans an Oblaate Sister of Providence (living in Baltimore, MD) was Courtney’s guiding angel. She understood the trouble a Meadows could get in and helped Courtney corporally and educationally. She knew he could be a fine young man and she helped him. It was always as if he had to unselfishly have someone along to enjoy his ride of success. His senior year in Kensington High School spoke volumes. He was stopped from graduating from the NY State system because of the Math A, competency exam, which he failed. He could not march in the graduation until he met the requirement. He was not heart-broken and on the morning of the graduation he decided he would go root for the ones who did pass and console the ones who didn’t. By not graduating on time it delayed his entrance into college by a semester, but his outlook was tremendous. He came to Virginia that year and finished his diploma here. He was a dreamer who knew sooner or later he would achieve the heights he so desired. He dreamed of playing football and being a funeral director like me. I told him to go for his own dreams and he did for a while, but got the feeling he wanted to please me and make me proud of him by making it as a funeral director.
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Chapter Three Courtney had an affinity to his friends who were not the regular run of the mill thugs in Buffalo. He had nice friends and in protecting them lost his life. I grieved and still do, hard. One of the urges or feelings associated with grief is the feeling of; who can I blame this death on? After the tragedy or loss as I did around Courtney’s death you may experience some blame shifting. This happens especially when you feel as though something could have been done to prevent the death of your child or friend. You know you are feeling “it” when that overwhelming feeling or wave of grief comes and lets you know that a little more than you can bear has come upon you.
Each and everyday brings an
opportunity to feel this way. Since my wife was closest over the next few month, I wondered how I could blame her. Wouldn’t it be nice to pin our burdens on someone who could handle them? I feel that way many times. I many times over the course of my life was the burden bearer in the lives of others wherever and whenever I served. I would receive the accolades and congrats from hurt folk, that validated and affirmed who I was serving this hurting world. Many times I would lift the burdens of others and put them on my shoulder until they, the person(s) could feel God’s grace. I had never known the feeling of the burden that others carried until the death of my own son. I then knew fully the type of burden and the feelings that they carried deep within them. With Court’s death my personal pain and sudden desire to blame others for not preventing his death came upon me swiftly. This feeling 23
to blame shift came upon me so swiftly that it seemed as though in a matter of hours I had processed all the persons I thought could have done something to prevent this. I now use these words from an article I read, "We are so grateful for the time that God gave us to be with our son. That was all. No screams about God’s injustice, no cursing the rich who live so well at the expense of the poor, just gratitude for the fragile gift of life.”ii
On that day I knew none of those words and nothing
similar came to my mind. No graceful thoughts, not wisdom, on this dark day only blaming. When the desire to blame hit me I was suffering from the blues which came upon me and I treated myself to; but neither could I prevent it from happening. This was a day where I could feel the pain and suffer through that “I won’t be doing anything today, feeling”.
But, what
threw me off and I did not anticipate was a rush of blame. Blame swelled in on me like a tsunami. A tsunami, the fast rushing experience of flooding that comes after a time of rejoicing. When the tsunami struck and the water started to recede from the shore, it was reported that people were rejoicing and watching the fish as they lay on the shore wondering how they could pick them up to enjoy for a nights dinner and then after what may have seemed like time standing still there was the torrential rush of water. I found out that when it comes to burden bearing and how people feel, there is a distinct association between the tragedy and the act of prevention. The association of the prevention and the tragedy was a totally new feeling which I had never felt before. Something that I could not transfer to someone else as easily as people seemed to transfer to me was their burdens. 24
My main personal focus was how could I have
prevented this from happening? And after soul searching and realizing that there is nothing I could have done, I must now find someone to blame this on. I find that those closest who shared in the raising of my son were the ones I could blame, my ex-wife; his mother, his stepmother, siblings and of course the girl he was in love with. The title of this book comes from just that. I now had had become a man of sorrow acquainted with my grief, just like the suffering servant of Isaiah 53. My own grief came just like that, like a tsunami. It came like a rush that was so devastating that it left me with no time to think or escape. But I was to wonder where I could pin the blame for the tragedy and my grief. A sister of Queen Street Baptist Church in Norfolk, VA, sent an email in which she expressed that when we feel helpless and things seem as though they are our fault, God will help us. Her e-mail was unsolicited, and rarely if ever would I receive an email from her. After reading those marvelous words I felt as though the burden had been lifted and saved me from one of the darkest days of my life. I knew then that what had happened to me was I was being comforted and by this man I had preached about so often, A Man of Sorrow, Acquainted with Grief. This servant who suffered so much is mentioned in the book of Isaiah, 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.iii In the book, The End is Just the Beginning: Lessons in Grieving for African Americans, Rev. Arlene Church reminded me that in African American culture we need to know that death and grief are part of the rhythms of life.iv What a 25
melodious sound that rings in the African American culture, that our deaths are mere travel points from this life to eternal life. John Mbiti the African scholar who I admire has written extensive works on the rites that emphasize the role of the community, since they are public witnesses to a person’s life (born into) added to the visible community, eventually exits from it (earthly community) into the invisible. On the other hand, the rites of death, burial and the feelings associated, affirm the identity and importance of the individualv and if I may add those who remain on earth. I had problems understanding the importance of feeling what I was feeling and then leaning on the power of the creator and the process by which we are acquainted with the man of sorrow. I suppose I had to be reminded that it was OK to feel what I was feeling, but was wrong in my search to blame someone else. I first blamed myself and when that did not work, I reached for the most convenient persons and that did not succeed either. I feel now as though the feelings were immediately borne by God himself, who set aside the sacrificial lamb who could feel what I was feeling. I agonized like him, I felt the pain in my heart that my son had died and yet I was afraid to feel the process one must go through as described by Church “rhythms of life.� It was wrong for me to connect to my very being the rhythm which I could not control and allow my spirit to bear a burden that was designed for the Savior. Jesus Christ. He alone is the ultimate bearer of burdens. He is designed to be the one who would bear my burdens. It was my hearts desire that my words I had preached so often come to fruition and I too could feel the power of the work of Jesus Christ. I should have been able to tell Jesus who makes intercession for 26
me to communicate to his Father the rejection of self that I was feeling on that day. I was in need of mercy and grace and should have allowed Him to be gracious to me. I should have earnestly prayed because I was feeling the residue of a broken spirit and a heart that was sorrowful. I should have laid my burdens at the feet making an offering of my sorrow and should have begun to worship. Scripture tell me that He is able to do exceeding, far more than I could have done with the burden. I should have made him the burden bearer instead of embarking upon the maddening search of blaming myself and others. I learned that my prayer life is important in order to place me into divine connection with God. This could have happened when I and if I decided to allow myself to feel the burden. My studies of the African way of death and rituals of reverencing the cross over from this life to the next and contact with the ancestors by my sleeping beloved son should have brought me the solace I was looking for.
Jesus, keep me near the cross; there’s a precious fountain, free to all, a healing stream, flows from Calvary's mountain.
Refrain: In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever, till my raptured soul shall find rest beyond the river.vi 27
Chapter Four R.F. Smith in his book Sit Down God… I’m Angry, makes a profound statement that reminded me that I had no choice but to behave the way that I did because Christians have been conditioned to behave in a manner that conveys our strength in Christ. I was feeling that I had to hold up the banner and once again began to bear burdens by remaining brave for family and the fellow Christians around me. I made the comment several times, “How can we think for one moment that we who preach the gospel are exempt from the tragedies that others feel?” For my son to be gunned down is the lowest form of street crime I can think of. It robbed him of his dignity as he lay on the ground people gathered and the heroes, a team of paramedics who carried him to the trauma center at the community hospital working on him and chaplains praying for him. Reverends Kenyatta Cobb and Pastor James Lewis two dear friends and chaplains at the Erie County Medical Center who have rescued so many families probably prayed the prayer of faith to no avail and gave last rites to my son. His earthly life was ended and they were thinking of me and my family knowing that if they intervene on our behalf there was a possibility something good might happen. I did not want to talk to them when they called me on my cell phone, because I knew that as many times as I have prayed and watched in agony feeling helpless that what they were doing was noble, but this was in the hands of God. I felt the words of the Book of Ezekiel,
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The word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover the lower part of your face or eat the customary food of mourners." So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. The next morning I did as I had been commanded. Then the people asked me,
"Won't you tell us what these things have to do with us?"vii
We all who call ourselves burden-bearers will feel the climate of death and we must remember to remind ourselves what this has to do with God. The death affects community and family because they feel what you feel. It is up to us then to acquaint them with the one who gives us strength during our darkest hour. I felt like the son of man who was going to lose his wife, but that he was now being used as a demo for the rest of the people and how they would relate to the tragedy in the prophet’s life. In the midst of my own grief there I stood watching all the others who choked back the tears and wept bitterly over the life of my son, I now could wait and allow the spirit of God to nurture them through my gaining clarity and understanding of the moment. I would have to wait and allow others to pass over with me. Author John Mbiti reminds me that he transitions and transforms and Smith reminds me I am still on duty.viii It was me who would set the tone for mourning. I held back the tears, I did not eat the bread of sorrow, and I knew I could strengthen others and to get them to allow themselves to understand that my son was transitioning and that the elders awaited him. 29
So, I can only worship.
Grief is the inward yearnings and
groaning that are uttered to men and women worship is the inward yearnings and groaning that are uttered to God. In our worship we find the one who is acquainted with grief. Our feelings of anger, and who we are angry with must be processed through the heart that is given us. In our relationship with Christ Paul’s words “Be not conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that we may prove…what is good, perfect and acceptable.” Now in my anger, there had to be a transformation of my mind, so that I would not immediately look for ways to gain the vengeance that was due me. My anger trying to find ways of expression is now under the control of the mind given over to my spirit. My spirit would now determine what I would do with my anger. Anger is an emotion that is natural to humans and we should be angry. Not to be, angry is a way of denying our humanity and can cause incareased pathological responses as we try so hard to process the anger. My steps through the feelings of depression and aggression all because of the anger give me the direction. I knew deep within my spirit that if I do not give this feeling of anger over to a savior who can help me I would carry it into other areas of my life. This may lead to disaster and a deeper depression because of the inability to process the anger through the proper channels. Our spirits cry out to help us process the anger and that is the time to give way to the Spirit of God that will lead us into the inner chambers of His love, deeper into the inner court of peace, whereby in the time of anger and processing that anger we can now have an escape to the presence of God through the Spirit. I now have the ability to lay my weary head upon His breast. 30
Anger in a strange way has to be expressed in love. My anger could now be processed through the love of the Lord Jesus Christ which would lead to forgiveness. If we are to deal with anger it has to be in the realm of forgiveness by love. God is love and we are created by God to express that love in the very image of His son Christ Jesus. My Godimage is to allow the full course of suffering, leading to my blaming others and anger is dealt with by following the example of Stephen and Jesus, “Father lay not this charge to them.�
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Chapter Five His disciples asked Jesus how many times should we forgive… Jesus answered 70 times 7… In order to survive this attack on my reason for being ixas a father, I had to quickly deal with the pain. Where would the repository for the pain be? I returned from Princeton and that night I went to the Ocean View down from our house and this particular night, the wind must have been gusting at about 60 miles per hour. I found myself feeling the pain in my body and on this cold, windy night I opened my mouth to scream and no sound came out. As I gasped for breath, my screams became the guttural sounds of worship, and from my lips came the words of hallelujah.” I have told several people about this and I only can say that I have found peace in the word of worship, Hallelujah. The transition of my son from this earthly life is to me very sacred and now the event becomes the actual vehicle of his transformation. Worship to God who gives life and takes it, for us who know what to say in God’s presence reinforces our worship, yet some have to declare we have no understanding of the days’ events and actions. We are left motionless and speechless; we have on many occasions told other mourners to rejoice at the “Home-Going Celebrations” of their loved ones. We have stood before them and proclaimed from dust they came and to dust they will return. We base this upon the Christian fact of the Spirit has been lifted from them and returned to God. Personally all I could do was worship, for I have no other choice when I could not scream in agony I could only tell God thank you. I 32
discovered that God has designed into my worship the power to forgive the shooter. Within the power of forgiveness was my ability to spend my energy grieving the way that I desire. I have found it is easier not to express sometimes how I truly feel nor is it easy to do. I am alone with my thoughts and at times that is a good thing. I am not sure many people understand the levels and waves of grief that I feel. It is the ebb and flow that I am now comfortable with. As I sat with a family whose son was paralyzed from the waist down from a accident, I felt their pain and at the same time could remind them confidently that the pain is not comparable to the pain of total loss. They cried in front of me and said you are right. I went around the corner to the rest room and cried.
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Chapter Six “We don’t want Justice, We want peace…Our friend lives.” My feelings of grief extended to the young man Jamar “Crown” Jones who was the shooter of my son. I have never felt the desire to gain justice in this case of Jamar killing Courtney, I only desired peace. When I was deciding what to write in the newspaper about Courtney and the timely arrangements for the funeral, the Holy Spirit directed me to begin the news ad by saying “We don’t want justice, we want peace…Our Friend Lives.” This seemed to me the way to get the message out quickly that our enemies would not dictate this funeral process.
I was so
outraged that the only way I could fight was with forgiveness.
So
forgiving, that we have not gone to any portion of the trial, and I dare not stand before a judge and give my desire for sentencing when I know that we will all stand before a judge with eternal consequences. I was determined to control and set the tempo for the next few days. Consequently, the day of the ad running in the paper or the day after it ran the Buffalo Police detectives picked up the young man named Jamar “Crown” Jones. He was arrested, tried, convicted and sent to prison in NY State. He may never be free on the streets again. He has a daughter and I have prayed for her over and over again, that her father is not taken from her in an act of violence and that someday she may see him once again on the streets. I could only imagine, what must have been going through his (Jamar’s) mind as an almost six foot; three hundred pound man stood over his car. Courtney was a peacemaker who always had the courage to go places others only dared. He would find himself everywhere trying to 34
console and help his friends. They can tell you stories of how they were glad Courtney was there with them, because they would have done something they would have regretted. Of course all parents say good things about their children, but this boy was true to the game. He was not only friends with others but at times I too felt he was my best friend. I could only think that if this fellow Jamar had known him in other circumstances, this day would have been different. When I got the news while driving down U.S. 13, the first thing that moved into my spirit was, “No greater love has anyone than this, that they would give his life for a friend.” John 15:18 That was it, it clicked like the proverbial light bulb, Courtney was giving his life for a friend. His friend Nate, who I have not heard from nor seen since that day was with him. Court has known Nate from about the age of six was one of his everyday friends. They would fight a lot and still were friends. Courtney became friends with Nate after that was after I had him clean Nate’s home after a egging by he and his friends. Thinking about this made me write a letter to Jamar.
Dear Brother Jamar: I have been thinking for a long time about you and how you are doing. I have prayed for you on many occasions. I have never met you or anyone from your family, and I know quite a few people in Buffalo, but I can’t say that I know you. I don’t know if anyone took the time to tell you about my son Courtney, but I will give you a brief description. He loved people especially the underdog and was extremely loyal to his friends. He was very big but you may not have known he was harmless. I don’t know exactly what went down on that day, but I figured something made you nervous or scared that someone might harm you so you 35
did what you knew to do. On that day I lost a son and your family lost you. I imagine you would do anything to have that moment back again. I want you to know that I forgive you and I don’t hold this against you. I have no malice or hatred toward you only forgiveness. You will learn that one of life’s most powerful weapons is the ability to forgive. I wonder who you are and what your hopes and dreams are, I wonder about your family, how your little girl is. I don’t believe life is over for you and pray that one day you will find peace to avoid the fear that keeps black men from living. Be strong and may God be with you. Richard D. Meadows, Jr.
This letter now become an open letter, which I did not mail, but my hope is that someone will truly understand that I have empathy for brother Jamar, who may be free someday to live again, for his daughter’s sake. The call for Peace and not Justice began with me wanting to keep my sanity. I knew that to call for the justice I so richly deserved meant that if it was not swift, I would grow bitter and angry. Faith and Health Psychological Perspectives, Thomas O. Plante and Allen C. Sherman, Guilford Press, NY, 2001 and Unforgiveness, Forgiveness, Religion and Health, Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Jack W. Berry and Les Parrott, III, cover what I am trying to convey very well, but with this biblical spin. Social Scientists have concluded now for over 20 years that there is a connection between religious faith and mental and physical health.x Matthew 5th chapter reads:
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Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven. That is the promise for the persons who in some ways are on the short end of society. Biblically, psychologically and spiritually if one is poor in spirit or sick from sin, there is sometimes an outward physical manifestation visible on the body or mentally, displaying mental illness such as clinical depression. Beatitudes tells us the blessed ones are the 37
poor "in spirit", who by their free will are ready to bear for God's sake this painful and humble condition, even though at presently they are in pain; while on the other hand, the monetarily rich man materially may be in poverty spiritually, mentally and physically. My faith to believe in the power of forgiveness in this case maybe identified as a source of health versus those who have no contact with religion. Listed are three ways: (Worthington, Berry and Parrott) Special support through organized religion, Coping skills that religion offers to deal with stress and Promotion of a pro-virtue constellation of personality traits. These are summarized by the authors as psychosocial variables, religious beliefs, values, culture, pro-virtue personality characteristics, interpersonal stress and social support structures.xi Health outcomes may be determined by these variables. The writer stresses a direct connection between forgiveness and unforgiveness and illness/poor health. Unforgivensss is a myriad of related emotions, consisting of but not limited but not limited resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, residual anger and fear. Fear is a typical response to the hurt that is felt. Impact is felt when some may “waddle” in the feelings associated with unforgiveness. If someone is in the state of unforgiveness or harboring a poor mental attitude toward someone else, I would note that theologically as “poor in spirit.” I do have trouble staying in that holding place with them. I have a tendency to try to get the persons to move from that state to a more glorious position in the spiritual realm. I am also learning and feel as though this is not a good place to be for me. The only saving grace is that persons who suffer from unforgiveness, of not forgiving 38
others and not being forgiven by others when it becomes a chronic condition, affect their health and happiness. Persons who have the ability to receive and extend forgiveness regardless to others persons inability to do the same, have a better chance of mitigating the effects of illness and ill health. I will refer to these type persons as “rich in spirit� or capable of achieving good spiritual health. Let me focus the health correlation and consequences of unforgiveness. This is important to the persons who are in the grief recovery process who do not forgive their own behaviors, blames themselves. Their behavior is the result of their current condition of poor health. This is important when the response to the grief is based upon strictly spiritual inaction or another persons view of God’s punishment and retribution for lack of faith. I could have normally moved through my own grief and not allowed myself to feel the personal pain associated grief, but this time I referenced my feelings by wondering how could I get through this grief and not feel the bitterness associated with unforgiveness of Jamal. Not only would I have been out of touch with my reality but also my spiritual reality. I was poor in spirit and I did mourn. I believe this is so especially when I was inclined to have thoughts that are more secular than spiritual or theological in nature. I will define spiritual reality as the basic truths in a church society in regards to punishment and retribution by God. Including but not limited to an individuals actions or inactions about religious duties involving reconciliation and forgiveness based upon church society.
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I carefully quote Atheist Darwin Bedford who openly hates religion and Christianity, makes a statement that reminds us that many of the words we use carry some untruth and since we use words in order to communicate our experiences, much is lost or distorted in the process. The untruths go unnoticed.xii The very fact being when I became poor in spirit and experienced self-condemnation by the words and thoughts of others, concerning how I should be angry at the young man, people or the system I could only think of the words, “I don’t want justice, I want peace.” Maybe my thoughts were based upon others I had observed in my years of service and ministry who in their time of grief found neither justice nor peace. My spiritual reality is if I’m poor in spirit, the kingdom of heaven is mine. If I mourn, I will be comforted. I now equate my feelings of spiritual reality to acute grief to being prevented from expressing my anger toward God or persons. I seemed angry enough however and in that anger did not know who to place the blame upon. I had to forgive and I felt that strongly. Forgiveness is the prevention of unforgiving emotions by experiencing strong, positive, love-based emotions as one recalls a transgression. More importantly many times reconciliation is the goal when expressing forgiveness.xiii Do I want to be reconciled to Jamar? No. Do I want to feel that Jamar is human and deserves to be treated so, my answer is yes. Is Jamar a young man that felt trapped and could only do what he knew to do? I don’t know. My reasoning; in 1994, genocide took place in Rwanda that left approximately 800,000 people dead in the course of three months. In this 40
small Central African country, that number was approximately equal to one-tenth of the population. The story behind this scourge of violence is long and complex, but the genocide has its origins in historical and contemporary patterns, from 19th and 20th century colonialism to 1990’s political opportunism, and from structural adjustment to ethnic polarization.xiv Courts that are designed to be more interested in truths than justice were the examples that were more liberating than perpetuation of violence. Here is example of a people whose destiny of peace in troubled times is exhibited by truth and reconciliation included as major goals in the quest for justice. Reconciliation is the restoration of trust in a relationship in which trust has been violated, sometimes repeatedly.xv I don’t need that, but the lesson comes forth in the discussions I have held with my self and others. I know that my power to forgive is more powerful than my power to hate. I believe in the reconciliation and truth more than justice and punishment because of the power of both to change an individual. The observers are changed and the process brings about healing for the whole community. The offenders, have families and the justice never goes far enough to change all involved.
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Chapter Seven When Jesus comes, Satan’s power is broken… He’ll take your gloom…xvi Sarah Jordan Powell I feel as though I am among the privileged in that myxvii grief has not consumed me on many days. I feel the ebb and flow of grief and the pain. Many times I am overwhelmed. I attended a football game with a friend of mine and all the boys and especially his son who were 300 pounds reminded me of my son. I began to cry as I looked at them and rejoiced because they were so happy about the game. That is how my son was and he loved football. Those memories break the power of Satan who would destroy us in our grief. My son like his had gone to football camp. Courtney went to Syracuse, NY to the University to attend and that was a week he and his best friend were so proud of themselves for attending and doing well. He worked on his skills he would say. After this first portion of the book was written, I figured I could go on more about my own grief and suffering or figure out how I could use this energy to help someone else. How can I help others and who are they anyway? First I must identify who I am writing this book for and then decide what dialogue we can have to truly walk away from these pages with the life giving flow from the Spirit of God. Let’s begin by identifying just who we are and what we go through. We are the grandparents, parents, children, siblings, friends, classmates, homeys, teachers, neighbors, and friends of all these folk. As the obituaries read; also survived by a host of other relatives and friends. We are anybody who has loved and lost someone dear to the violence 42
surrounding us in our communities. No matter how we set lines of demarcation, to separate the structures and systems of school, church, community from the violence somehow this violence seems to find a way into our lives and we must deal with it the best way we know how. Not only are our males affected and fall victim, our females fall victim to murder and violence at just as alarming rates as male victims. If we are not victims we are innocent bystanders to the madness of gang violence, shootings, stabbings, beat-downs, threatening(s), and verbal assaults.
You can inadvertently step into the middle of the
activity, wishing that it was like the days when you could say something and you would be heard by the perpetrators and they would immediately stop. Those days are gone, you can be victimized by helping or coming to the rescue of others. Many of you have been eyewitnesses or have been a stone’s throw away from the acts, and you have been physically beaten and attacked, leaving permanent scars and memories for you to personally deal with. You may suffer from psychological trauma by being the witness and fear can cause Post Traumatic Stress (PTS). The normal life which you have lived until that time is now destroyed by others who callously take a life. You feel the loss of control and now begin to look where you can regain some sense of a normalcy to your life. But what is lacking is there are a number of persons who go without counseling, peer-help, recovery groups, faith community and mental health agencies structured to help and offer future support to the bereaved. The help that may be offered should be accessed when needed. Where do they find help and is there some shame to admitting that it is needed. When it is time to make movement toward healing from the trauma it is good to have a circle of 43
trust you can turn to, that will help you through the process. It is good to be around people who are friends and can help you find comfort, beyond the local funeral director. PTS is a clinical term which describes what many children and adults suffer through after exposure to violence of traumatic proportions. The Greek word for wound is trauma. Trauma is a wound that can not be so easily healed. PTS occurs especially when we are talking about damage done to the psyche. The grief that is felt is natural and the emotional reaction is to take it hard and that grief is a natural step of sudden death. PTS comes into play when you are the actual eyewitness or just steps away from the violence and the act has a affect upon you. We hear over and over I’m O.K., not knowing that PTS is normal when they have witnessed or suffered from a traumatic event. There are some groups in the population that will be susceptible to violence based upon their local, economic and social environment.
Problems peculiar to
urban settings are now being noticed at increasingly alarming rates in suburban and rural areas. Many communities across America can be pretty much the same. Night after night we are barraged with news which should be called Bad News, Sports and Weather.
The news only desensitizes us to the
devastation in our communities.
When we hear of other peoples
children and loved one dying tragically on the streets, we sit silently watching, praying the unidentified is not our. As my son says in one of his writings, when the morgue rolls up to the scene folks just sigh. When the name is revealed you have a sigh of relief and maybe a sense of outrage. Relieved that it is not your loved one and outraged that it has happened again. Here is some bad news: The department’s Bureau of 44
Justice Statistics report offers a snapshot of racial disparities among violent crime victims. Black people represented an estimated 13 percent of the U.S. population in the latest data available, but were the victims of 49 percent of all murders and 15 percent of rapes, assaults and other nonfatal violent crimes nationwide. Most of the black murder victims — 93 percent — were killed by other black people, the study found. About 85 percent of white victims were slain by other white people. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20203888/. You are never able to advocate or show community concern because of the information and reports that comes too swiftly each night. The statistics astound us and the ability to make changes never seems to be there. When it comes home to you then you are too hurt to begin any campaigns.
There is the investigation, the arrests, the reports, the
hearings, the trials and they may or may not lead to a conviction. My heart goes out to the families who never have closure. As we observe and minister to the suffering in our communities and we can only learn the words of Dr. Bill Hedrick of Tidewater Pastoral Counseling Service; “we are to become repositories for their sacred stories.” The lives that have been connected by the lives that have been cut off from earthly existence have so much meaning, more than the one hour wake and funeral following, 8 ½ inch x 11 sheet of paper folded in half we have reduced them to. The traumatic shock is part of Satan’s plans to destroy us through the tragedy to losing someone so dear to us. It is the theodic desire of our own mental anguish that causes some to lose track of reality and destroy those closest to them by blaming others and being consumed by their anger. PTS may be a psychological disorder that needs medical 45
treatment for some, but to live and love through the memories of the trauma brakes Satan’s power. His (Satan’s) power over your emotions and feelings about life in general and your inability to see this trauma through the lens of the Spirit of God disfigures you. I find joy in breaking the band of power that would come to bind me into the dungeon of despair left helpless and powerless over my enemies. Jesus’ death allows us to take the gloom and turn our darkness into light and allows us to see a new journey. A new beginning somewhere in the story of our tragic chapter brings forth new chapters full of hope. It is my hope and desire that I will see Courtney again.
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Chapter Eight “Oh Death where is your sting and Grave where is your victory?” I must tell you of the comfort found in hearing the voice of the Spirit of God in the midst of my confusion. I had processed so many feeling in such a short period of time. The process of going through what I was going through allowed me to also hear the voice of God. I have listened so many times in my life for voice inside of me that I recognize as the voice of the Holy Spirit. Hearing voices, you may ask, says what? I actually hear the voice of others that remind me of the process of victory over death. I hear the voices of my ancestors, remembering their smiling faces when I would do something that pleased God. As well as hearing the voice of my son saying “I’m alright” I also hear the voice of my grandfather (Huby) calling me “son.” I see the face of grandfather who made toys for us and smell my grandmother’s cookies. The Healing Place It is the accidental meeting with a heart transplant patient that I begin to hear other voices and in talking to her and her family about the transplant I find of all things a healing place. The voice that I hear is the one of the Holy Spirit that tells me “healing is here.” I must preclude this by saying that these are my first feelings and reactions to an incident related to the meeting of this heart transplant donor recipient family.
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The book Caring for Donor Families, Before, During And After: How To Communicate With And Support Families Before, During And After The Decision To Donate Organs, Tissue And Eyes. Raised in me the question, who gives pastoral care to the donor recipient? A case for who supports the recipient spiritually here at Norfolk General Hospital when they come in to receive organ donation? Lazarus when Jesus said “come forth” anounced deuro {dyoo'ro} exo {ex'-o} and frees his friend Lazarus the recipient of life from the clutches and grip of death. The patient, her husband, sisters, brothers, father, mother all gathered into one area a patient room. They were there excited, waiting to here the news. “What news?” I asked. I came upon them around 10:00 a.m. and asked them “What’s the news and why are you so excited?” They all smiled and are elated to tell me that they and the patient are about to receive a donation of a heart. I was overjoyed that I am meeting them and quite disturbed that I (accidentally) came upon a family that had been told at 2:00 AM to come to the hospital by 3:00 AM to receive a heart transplant operation. Come in to receive a heart. What a thing to be told in the middle of the night and within that moments notice to be on your way to the hospital. My first impressions are the patient is lying in the bed, pale and weak. She is obviously tired from a weak heart, the journey to the hospital and waiting around all morning. This was extremely good news in spite of her exhaustion. The husband does most of the talking and I can smell the heavy pungent odor of tobacco on his clothing and breath. I sympathize with 48
him; he probably will not be able to smoke again, with his wife receiving a new heart. He is almost in tears as he tells me of the early morning journey and arrival at the hospital. “This has been a six year ordeal.” I am now almost speechless.
He looks heavy hearted and tells me that
someone is donating and they don’t know any of the circumstances surrounding the donation. They’re joy as they listen to him has now turned heavy and mourning for the donor.
I can tell that there is
something going through there minds, so I ask them “What are you thinking?” They obviously are searching for words and not knowing if they should experience this joy that they are feeling. They are also feeling the weight because of the profound loss someone was feeling in the donor’s family. They tell me they don’t know what to feel, they only know they should feel some remorse for the circumstances surrounding the way that they received a heart for her. The patient is now silent and also looking with sad eyes toward me. The room is quiet…for a moment what the ancestors would call a Holy Hush was in the room. It was one of those moments when I expected someone to say, “Quiet, God is talking.” Like in the middle of a thunderstorm, when everyone anticipates the strike of lightening, lights off and quiet seem to be the safe place in the midst of the rolling thunder. Maybe if we grow quiet the fury of the awkwardness of the moment will pass. In this moment there was no fury but only the quietness of this family knowing how sacred the moment was. I imagine they are thinking “What is the penalty for taking someone’s heart?” They are silently punishing themselves and looking toward me to make sense of the maddening fact that they can receive the heart of someone who tragically lost theirs. 49
There is the approach of the family by donor organization chaplains and case workers. The preparation of the staff in case this surgery happens. The consents that need to be gathered, the tests of the donor to match blood type and preparations for the organs to be held viable until the donation can occur. The doctors are talking with the persons on the other end trying to talk about the exact time that the life of the patient will end. Neurological testing has been performed, brain death has occurred and the suitability has been determined. The patient meets all protocols for a donor and the transplant can go forward. The patient is maybe surrounded by their family saying their last good-byes. Support is being withdrawn in preparation for the move toward harvesting of the donation of the organs of the patient. This receiver family does not seem to know how hard a team of doctors, nurses, the donor organization and others were working to procure this donation. They are lost in their own emotions and as they wonder, teams of doctors and nurses are mobilizing along with others to put together the transplant team. The team is in a state of heightened awareness and preparedness because they know the potential to save lives. In scrubs the team is evaluating and sorting through the many pages of paperwork necessary to go forward.
The way forward is
however through a maze of emotions and feelings by staff and family alike. Let me step away for a moment: From all over this area of the country the decision is being made to identify suitable donors and eligible recipients. Persons who are praying for a heart, lungs, kidney, liver at that moment hoping that their wildest dreams, hopes and prayers would be answered.
They are oblivious to the sacrifice that is being made and how
hard a family is working to make this donation happen for someone else. 50
They now begin to talk about and empathetically feel the pain that the other family must be feeling. They don’t know who they are. They are told that they may thank them at a later date, but they that may never know who the donor or the family is. They have been told that the donor family may never know them. This is where my own feelings and thoughts began to flood in on me. This situation must in comparison and contrast the opposite of what the donor family is feeling. The profound grief and sorrow that is being felt is not related in anyway to the joy of what this family may be feeling. They could be listed as polar opposites of joy and sorrow. They also may be open to the notion of the juxtaposition of joy and sorrow moving together in symphony. The one family the donors is in shock, feeling the experiences of the news that life for their loved one is ending. These people are rejoicing that they are recipients of a gift from another family. For the donors there is nothing that can be done humanely to reverse this current situation. Death is the companion and now the presence of death seems bigger than ever. Death grasps for the victory, triumphing over life and dashing any hopes and dreams for the future. The earth is absorbing and freeing at the same time. It absorbs the body of the donor. All of the fears and dread that comes with human life are now a reality. Deeper into the abyss of confusion and silence they are driven by thier thoughts and helplessness.
However the synthesis of the moment and the
antithesis to one family now brings the joyous shout that there is a God in heaven after all. I feel the profound sadness of the family who is losing a loved one mixed with my own feelings because of death and donation. I imagine their desperation of fervent prayer giving way to dark despair. The darkness had won and I surrendered the victory proclaimed by the future. When I was approached, I knew with a blank stare at the telephone that it was too late. Maybe, just maybe she was calling to tell me that they found a donor who could give life back to my son. No, she was asking and I told 51
her with my most confidant and calmest voice, you may have what you like. I did not conference with family, I did not ask anyone’s permission, because he was my son. He was my “sun” that rose every morning and set each day. His voice was that of a thousand angels singing in chorus “I love you too.” My hopes for a happy ending were over. I would have settled for a paraplegic or quad son. A son who could only look at me with his eyes never again able to walk or talk, I would have settled for just one more day in the sunshine. I would have been satisfied, selfishly spoon feeding him and caring and changing him. All of that was now gone and I could only hear the voice of the woman on the other end of the phone asking me could my son be a donor. I did not have the luxuries of chaplains to help me through the process; I did not have the companionship of family or friends. I was driving down the US 13 toward the Eastern Shore of Virginia alone with my own thoughts and misery. I was feeling pain and deep emotional vibrations wounding my very soul. My son whom I had given life to was now unable to communicate to me his desire or wants for the future. We held a discussion two weeks prior and now it is burned into my memory that day when I told him that the world was in for a treat because he would be a great father and man. He was growing into manhood and now would mature and give to the world that which I was privy to, his warmth and extremely big humorous heart. I'm back and present from my internal thoughts. I saw in this family for the first time what the recipients of my son’s donation were feeling. I too felt their joy and showed no shame of expressing to them my joy.
I sensed after they told me what the
excitement was about that this moment was the moment of silence when the lightening struck. The moment when God was speaking and holiness reached down to earth and provided this family with the gift of life. They were the mirror opposite of my own grief and anguish and now I could release the magic words to this family that they were waiting to 52
hear. Who else at this moment could talk with them and make sense of the joy and shame as they described it for someone losing life and they would gain it. They were ashamed because they could not say “thank you” and that the other family could not say “here I make an offering to you.” “Honor this gift and cherish it” I said. He meant the world to me is what came into my heart.
I slowly collected my thoughts and
reminded myself that this round of pastoral care to this family was no mistake.
There were probably case workers and social workers and
clinical psychologists working with them. But there I stood as the one who could give them some insight into the mind of one who was the decision maker of the donor. I could speak on behalf of the family they possibly would never meet. The emotions that I felt in the past and can even arise as I write and think about that day when I was asked to donate, gave way to an intense shared joy that I would feel as I talked to them. I talked slowly and deliberately. I relished every moment and felt that not only was I exhibiting pastoral authority, competence and identification but was about to turn a corner in my own life. It now made sense. I said in my most pastoral authoritative voice, “They want you to have the heart, don’t be sad, just be thankful.” They all smiled and the chatter of excited voices began again. They were no longer paying attention to me so I slipped away.
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Chapter Nine In my journey over the past year there are two papers I read in preparation for a discussion on acute grief. Every discussion and every didactic somehow has helped me heal. Two reading that were very powerful; were The Formfulness of Grief by Theologian Walter Bruggemann, and Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief by Eric Lindemann, M.D. They both afforded evidence tending to prove that acute grief is relevant to the healing process. Bruggemann who gives the descriptive of the Psalter and the form by which humans can move from lament and sorrow to a place of resolution or better known as the place where healing can begin. He speaks of the process of lament in relation to Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages in the grief process. Bruggemann’s theological description helps us to understand that there must be for the believer of God a process of connection and allowance for the griever to not only lament but progress toward a song of joy or to keep the vow to praise God.
The article quotes
Gerstenberger who closely relates his view to Christian/Jewish community which expects after some time that the griever must begin to rehabilitate and the lament to praise is functional. He also suggests that the lament “bemoans a tragedy which cannot be reversed, while a complaint entreats God for help in the midst of tribulation.” However in the midst of tribulation the lament may also formulate itself into a bitching session where God is laid out by the griever and finds it is futile to match against one so omnipotent as God and win.
54
Bruggemann’s article emphasizes the importance of other outlets for the lamenter. Kubler-Ross’ description then becomes more secularly and publicly palatable, whereby if one can easily progress through the stages ending in acceptance (whew!) then there is no need to challenge the creator on his biggest mistake (the death of the loved one). The old folk would say “God is too good to make a mistake.” With Kubler-Ross acceptance leaves no other position then of surrender and to quietly change the lament or challenge into a soulful mourning of a dove and quietly move into a lifetime of acceptance. Kubler-Ross also removes Bruggemann’s theological ability of a “Job” and friends to ask questions and explore ways to not only think of challenging but never execute challenges of God’s authority (Job 38). Job’s God answers and speaks of marvelous works only reserved for God, humiliates and humbles Job who surrenders. We think about and rejoice in the end with the thought of Job rejoicing; as if the double portions restored to him would excuse the pain Job felt. Bruggemann’s form of protest is moved out and replaced in the contemporary with a colloquy and soliloquy of mumbling, possibly murmuring and complaining which is described deuterocanocally as sin (Deuteronomy 9:14). Mark Roberts describes it this way “The hard truth is that people murmur and complain because they have far too high an estimate of themselves.”xviii Maybe Mark has never acutely felt the loss of a loved one. Maybe its not so simple as complaining and murmering that one does when they are not able to drive a Mercedes automobile. To me Mark reflects the reasoning of the same folk who say God makes no mistakes. They both piss me off. We murmur and complain because we have high estimations of God. 55
Lindemann allows in his work the griever room to more effectively feel the pressures associated with acute grief.
There are
physiological and psychological changes that grievers go through while suffering from acute grief. Kubler-Ross’ theories have been used by some to all but illiminate chronic or long-term grief. Lindemann’s work includes persons from a diverse spectrum but all who suffer from acute grief. Theologically I have found myself reflecting upon my own acute grief concerning my son and maybe I have taken the Kubler-Ross knowledge and tried to quietly go away from God instead of feeling and directing my anger toward God. My life at Seminary never touched upon the pain that the ministry worker comes across in life in general and in specialized settings. However it has helped me to psersonally revisit the death of Courtney with a different set of glasses and a pair that would allow me to feel angry. Anger toward God in my context of African Americans is a sin especially if the anger I was feeling was directed toward God and not myself. My grief moves from acute to chronic and I guess it will be life long. I will have the face of a mourner from time to time and the event will automatically refreshen itself in my mind. I challenge anyone to try and take it from me. I have the right to feel the long-term effects of grief and my love for someone I lost and loved dearly. Unashamdly I cry when I feel like crying. And it feels good. Thank you Lord.
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Chapter Ten I recently was able to sit with a man who had spent years incarcerated and suffered many illnesses while in prison. He was in a hospital bed, looking very depressed and angry. He had only a day before been taken to surgery to have his foot removed. He blamed the corrections department for bad medical treatment. He was released by corrections department to only come here expecting further treatment and be released. He suffers the loss of his foot. I sensed his anger and disgust not only for men but that God would allow this to happen to him. My life and ministry is only helped because I can support someone who is feeling not only a lament but a time of anger toward God until I and them sing the words of the second stanza of the song that says “God I hope you will find a way for this not to hurt so much.� I shared with him and did not have the sense of urgency to run from his discomfort. The pain he felt only allowed me to look at him and wonder even deeper what it was that he was feeling. I knew he was mad but there was nothing I could or wanted to do to move him along. What else have I learned from my life and have reflected upon over the last two years. During this time one of my personal goals is to be able to gain a deeper appreciation for the relationship between family and loved ones when death and tragedy occur. In gaining that appreciation I have sought ways to hold more meaningful discussions and lines of questioning that make the time spent with the families I have been serving more meaningful to me and them.
57
I am beginning to see and feel that the pain of separation is overwhelming. In the book The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love by Thomas Attig has me to explore and to take notice of these three primary points: First, the energy invested in life whether work of play between family members is enormous. They have spent years together and the years have produced relationship that may or may not be understood by me. Second, the interaction between them is more than mere stories. Many times what they are talking about is coded and deeper questioning may unlock some of the mystery of their relationship. Insight by me if it is gained must allow the decoding and recognize that empathetic listening helps me to piece together those fragmented stories. I understand that the family already knows what they are talking about and lived the story when they begin to reminisce about what has happened in the past. The stages of life they have lived and reached remind them of the richness of life they have experienced together. Third, how helpless they must feel. I observe the deep agony and pain and I do wonder if this is the first significant loss. Or is this a compounding of grief that was recently experienced, perhaps in the past twelve months? My experience with acute grief in families, traumas and death has brought me into their very painful and traumatic lives.
I’ve seen
situations where a patient is dying and his wife is present.
She is
anguishing over the decision the patient must make. She is being placed in a secondary place because the patient can make the decision about his 58
own death and when it would happen. He is alert and on life support. It occurred to me through his own statement that he had “unfinished business.� What the business consisted of went unknown except for the one request that involved saying good-bye verbally to his wife. In order to say verbally good-bye he would have to be extubated. He asked the doctors for a week to live, which the doctor said she could not grant. His would be the expected death with plenty of unfinished business. In his case I felt the good about his desire versus what I was feeling. I was feeling that he deserved to live at least a week longer. That however was God’s business. He only wanted the ability to say good-bye (the good) and this would outweigh (the bad) his terminal illness and death. After being there I had to decide what to do with this sacred moment or experience I encountered. I had other thoughts but prior discussions helped me understand what to do. I had to be present with him and his wife and if I am to make sense of what I had experienced in the clinical setting I must be willing to stand in the pain.
59
Chapter Eleven I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily. I Corinthians. 15:31 The song writer says I live this life so I can live again. It is the Apostle Paul however who convinces us that to die daily is the will of Christ Jesus. It is true that our sinful selves are so corrupted that a new birth is necessary to move into eternal life. Ann Ulanov speaks of the ego as a gift to be housed and given back to God. In her book “The Ministry of the Psyche,” ego being the locus of the, I we know ourselves to be.xix It is in the internal work that I have done that I have looked closer at the, I or me. In the past I did not know how to move toward the “I” that I desired to be for God. My existential learning is now becoming the, I that I am. I am constantly in need of developing my personal pastoral formation and I look for opportunities through many venues of life and pastoral care. I am also acutely aware of the confrontational portion of the work and am willing to face head on those issues that confront me. It is by articulating an understanding of myself and my pastoral role that is parallel with my personal values, basic assumptions and personhood that I must confront life and self. I have worked through mentally and verbally many of the aspects of pastoral formation and currently I am pleased. Time has allowed me to begin and continue in personal formation the stubbornness which a child clinical psychologist identified in me earlier in life (around age 12), was the one quality he told my mother “not to change.”
60
I take pride and I believe in sticking to not my own beliefs and thinking but what I feel is right. I claim for myself the characteristics of being deeply receptive, accepting, continuously un-selfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. I am basically trusting of myself and others, at ease with myself and my life. I try to keep it pure, innocent and simple. I try to be patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely a nice person. I am genuinely pleased with myself at this moment in time. It is in confrontation that I find myself most uncomfortable yet I have the will to fight, think and believe that I am right. My personal values, basic assumptions and personhood have been refined by the fire of time and life’s trials. The discussion of the little “I� presented in the work of a colleague as an unconsciousness of who he was and the big I of who others thought he should be. It is in the discussion that I desired to be all that I could be. To arrive at that point in my life there had to be a literal change of position. I could no longer see myself as others did, but as I desired truly in my sub-conscious. I always wanted to be larger, bigger and more noticeable, although contrary to the biblical teachings of my past mentors. They convinced me that the more I held their agendas and works closer to my heart the more guaranteed I would be of vertical movement in ministry. That vertical movement was noted as positions in the ministry of men. I have gone virtually unseen not moving toward my passion and calling. The longer you serve, the more dedicated you are to them and their causes the quicker you would move when others (colleagues) were stagnant. I have always had movement as I watched others lay dormant in ministry. I remember traveling to Colgate Seminary to inquire about 61
theological education with my friends. That day we were all turned away because we did not have the undergraduate credits for admission. I decided I would not settle for a ministerial life in the realm of mediocrity, when secretly in my heart I knew I had to pursue this degree. My calling and election moved as I desired not wanting to wait on others who I knew would not advance with me or others who would not help me in ministry. I took heed to my inner calling and have pursued my call with passion. I am in the right place at the right time and it is in this educational setting that I have grown immeasurably. My life has changed and I thank God that he has rescued me from the bitter pains of death.
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Chapter Twelve We know that the more we enlarge our consciousness, the more we increase our awareness of the surrounding darkness of the unconscious. Ann Ulanov, Picturing God Ann Ulanov’s book The Wisdom of the Psyche reminds me that there is movement in the body of Christ and movement within my own mind and body.
How many times have I flattened my own ego,
destroyed my own dreams, I do not know.
I only know that my
consciousness has been awakened to the wisdom of my own psyche. I am trying to see for myself what it is that my own heart and flesh cry out for. By caring for myself, my ego and my soul I am not practicing a form of idolatry. I am merely making up for lost time when I esteemed others so much higher than myself that I lost sight of who I was and how important I am to God. I am the apple of the eye of God and the joint heir of the “first and the last” Jesus Christ. I found myself ignoring myself to make others feel good about themselves. It is only now that I stake my claim as I am as important to the psyche of my own self. This impacts me because in order to move forward in the work and the calling, I must look beyond my own objections and self deficiencies to win over my ego as important to my being. I have tried to remember times in my life when I did do well, when I was pleased with myself. Those times were mixed in with times when things were not so well with my life. I had to think hard and validate those good moments as being important to me. I tried to think hard about times when I validated myself and found joy but the floods of pain and sorrow moved in and I had to battle them for space in my 63
mind. The joy and heaviness moved together, but this time I found myself rejoicing because I made more room for the joyous moments in my life to ferment and gain a foothold. Ulanov says about goodness, “Claim me (goodness), in yourselves, in others, as I show myself in the world. Do not put up endless fronts in place of my being in you.�xx In my contemplation and meditation of thoughts of myself I can claim goodness in me. I need to be about loving me, the me with the big heart that others see. I have to continue to ignore the voices and the eyes of those who would forever trap me in my own misery instead of allowing me to enjoy the joy destined for me. I observed two things when pain is present. Abiding and escape. In abiding you then begin to make sense of your own pain and traumatic past. Not knowing in the moment how priceless it is to stay with families because I can not gauge the value of my presence there with them. There is an importance in abiding in the pain trying to find the spiritual, positive light of the moment demonstrating discomfort and what I look like each time I try to find the bright side somewhere. The words bright side represents the silver lining of the cloud, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the means by which some fool themselves into believing they have escaped the pain of the moment. I believe helping others to move beyond the moment is a good thing. How do they transition into their next breath or step? They must walk away from the issue of life broken and battered from illness and death where something as simple as answering the question what funeral home will be coming for your loved one becomes an enormous task. This is where the deeper abiding and questions may come into being. I don’t have to be silent I only need to be guiding and directing. Guiding 64
and directing by illuminating the moment and how precious it is, to them and me. I make reference to that moment as getting close up and personal with grief. Their intentional love for their loved one means the greater level of intensity of grief. No matter how it is masked or disguised it is present. I now know to honor it. I can begin to anticipate their needs to complete the tasks life has for them. This allows them to grieve with out interruption. By venturing into the concerted care of others I have also been privy to the discussions and watching as people would receive horrendous information from doctors and how that information lands on them. Each time during introductions to people I have been able to reiterate the meaning and purpose of my ministry in their life’s setting. I have introduced myself and have been careful not to contradict the words or statements of other individuals but to allow them to process their own thoughts hoping that through loving intervention a difference can be made. For example after the family conferences where I am asked to support families in end-of-life issues they have ended with me able to hold the families for a few minutes and talk about the spiritual and religious meanings of the conversation. Questions have arisen as to who is going to take care of them (the family) when the patient is gone? Another patient’s daughter felt the pain of the conference and was able to garner support after the meeting to help her through the terminal illness of her mother. She and the mother did not have a relationship so not only did she feel the pain of her mother’s illness but she wanted to talk about that relationship and the love she feels from her husband, children and co-workers. 65
I sat with another family and interestingly enough I find out from the son of the couple that his mom and dad had been married for fortynine years. His dad is dying and he had recently, less than two years ago lost his wife to colorectal cancer. The son has two children twelve and thirteen who also lost their mother and their mother’s parents all in the last five years. Oh, the pain which these families and children feel. Sons and daughters, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers all have the common denominator of suffering. This family seemed heartbroken but willing to face the day because the father and husband said “I did not want to go through anything that would keep me from being 100%, let me go.” All of the family is willing to talk about the love they have for him. They showed me a picture of him sporting one of his wife’s best Sunday hats as they describe the joyous zeal he has for life. This family laughing and then crying they share their pain and joy in one swift moment.xxi
66
My Brief History I was born October 1957 to Richard and Mary Byrd-Meadows in the city of Buffalo, NY. I lived in a home that was primarily made up of me, my Mother and two sisters. My father’s role was somewhat minimal and I probably won’t be too transparent concerning our relationship. My father’s role I can only describe as a negative experience. As I think of my father and as I search my mind rarely do I find positive culturally definitive clues as to my personhood, ministry or pastoral formation. That does not exclude days of his presence in our home; only that my influencers were family members other than my father. I have to also question myself at this juncture why it is important for me to express this concern. It will put into perspective the value of others mentioned henceforward and how they were able to help me to overcome some of the trans-generational negativity of my family. The value of mentioning this liberates me from the burden of trying to explain to myself why others were primary caregivers and not my own father. My mother’s role became more prevalent in my later years of age 30-45. She was supportive and I never paid much attention to a lot of the things she did because I was busy. I do however remember her kindness prayers and concerns.
My first 12 years she directed me
through love and discipline based upon her life’s pressures and her ability to survive a poor and stressful marriage to my father. She was able to give me freedom to enjoy what most boys developing between the ages of 5-12 do. She found creative ways to allow me to be involved in many activities in my neighborhood and community. She allowed other older 67
male friends of my family to influence me. My caregivers were many and all were deeply interested in my care in one way or another. The care by her was manifested in her trust of those men to guide me through what could have been a very rough stage of life. I was blessed early to never having been abused by any of those persons with which I had relationship with, nor was I in any serious trouble i.e. the law. I have believed that I have had a good childhood and carried into adulthood with skills for family, parenting, self discovery and development gained along the way of my journey of life. Culturally I am the living African proverbial saying “It takes a whole village to raise a child.� Although the proverb can not be traced, in our community it meant when you got out of line discipline wise, other elders were free to correct you. The community and all the people who lived around you, direct you in what they felt was the right direction, whether through good advice, blessing or discipline. My Grandparents all four being born between 1896 and 1904 had a demeanor and values that today are hard to duplicate, in the sense that what they did to influence family took time and great effort. I believe beyond their occupations they devoted a lot of time to the gathering and sharing their financial and emotional resources with their children and grandchildren. They were able to leave a legacy of cultural background because we were allowed to travel and discover our heritage in meeting other relatives. Both sets of my grandparents were a part of the African American migration from the southern states. My grandfathers lived in rural areas and moved during the period of 19151920 when approximately 500,000 African-Americans migrated north. Some estimates are put at about one million.xxii Because many African Americans were afflicted by "Jim Crow" laws in the South that 68
segregated people of color from the white population and were taxed differently, not allowed to vote, not allowed to be educated and basically deprived of economic opportunities. Along with segregation there were other factors that pulled migrants to the North. Northern industries were going through an economic boom, especially as the war in Europe began creating opportunities for jobs and new communities to spring up in the north. My paternal grandfather moved north and took a job on the railroad and was a member of the Pullman Porters on the NY Central Railroad. He was one of the thousands of African American men who worked for The Pullman Company. Although historically at times it was viewed as a menial job, it offered better pay and security than most jobs open to African Americans at the time. My grandfather had eight brothers who all worked for the Pullman Company. It began in Buffalo, NY where George Pullman first got the idea on a ride from Buffalo to Westfield, NY, to supply railroads with the infamous Pullman Sleeping Car, operated by Porters. The type of men they were represented stability in the community. The Pullman Porter were men who were well traveled and full of adventure and stories of which my favorite Uncle Grover told what it seems forever. Everyday he ahad a new story of his exploits, I did not know then they were exaggerations of truth. As I remember they sounded more like tall tales when he finished. My grandfather was able to use monies earned to attend Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and receive an education as an embalmer. He later opened his own business, a funeral home in Buffalo, NY. My Maternal grandfather was born in Williamsburg, VA and educated at Hampton Normal and Agriculture Institute also known as 69
the HN&AI for Indians and Coloreds (Hampton Institute / Hampton University) and graduated in 1918. The school was created the school for the betterment of the newly freed slaves. The school was patterned in the manner of schools created by missionaries for teaching of reading, writing and arithmetic to the Polynesians. It was also created under the premise that it was important to add the skills necessary for freed blacks to be self-supporting in the impoverished South. This style of education became well-known as an education that combined cultural uplift with moral and manual training, or as an education that encompassed "the head, the heart, and the hands." He and four of his graduating friends moved to Buffalo where he found a job as a blacksmith. Mr. Ruff, Mr. Livingston and Mr. Cohen I had met personally. He was a quiet man who believed in the ability to create that which you could not afford.
He was industrious and
resourceful. He made us toys and wagons we played with as children, which remind me of some of my fonder memories. He moved his new wife to Buffalo and reared his family in the neighborhood where his church Lincoln Memorial United Methodist Church located. I take pride in discovering since I have moved to Virginia in 2000 my heritage which dates back to 1789. I have uncovered many Wrights or the descendants of Thomas Wright still in the area where they originally lived. Yet when I was younger, relatives just 20 miles away never acknowledged their existence, even in the family tree. That leaves to question did they know of them or ignored them. Yet some act as though it was just an unknown. There was always the story of a White woman, Irish decent who just disappeared. I was always of the thought that this was our families 70
desire to be linked to whites in some manner. However to understand Thomas Wright and who he was I learned from my readings from Ira Berlin’s Slaves Without Masters that many were servants who had children and could claim freedom after thirty years service. This was not only for whites but blacks also. That explains two things within my cultural autobiography. First it may explain why Thomas Wright signed for freedom in 1810 and second, why the woman who birthed Thomas Wright disappeared from the family tree. This heritage includes Irish, Native American, Free Mulatto and Free Black. My first relative of note was a woman who was an indentured servant. She evidently worked her time and either returned to Europe or lived in the U.S. as a free woman. Part of the process of being indentured was that you would give birth to children who were also indentured. Those who had children were not necessarily from an arrangement of their own, but white woman and black men or Native American men were put together for the purpose of birthing children. The women would give birth to children for the sole purpose of these children not being slaves but servants (indentured) for thirty years. The other question is how was Thomas Wright freed and the answer maybe that it may have been purchased for him or he may have been set free in some kind of arrangement. It is my conclusion that my maternal family origin was not of slavery but of indentured servitude. There are strong markers of both African and Native American blood lines and stories or narratives from family members to claim heritage in many cultures.
71
Historic Plaque to mark the Civil War at Young’s Mills
Young’s Mill Rte 60 Warwick County Thomas for sixty years was the miller at Young’s Mill. The mill stands today. Young's Mill was an old tide mill built by the Young family on the headwaters of Deep Creek around 1820. During the Civil War the mill was the focal point of a Confederate line when the mill became the battle line for McClelland’s forces in the.xxiii A little over 100 years after the war's conclusion, the mill remained a traveler's landmark and would soon become a battleground for historic preservation. In June 1976, the Newport News Parks Department and the Warwick Rotary Club combined forces to restore the mill and to create a passive park around it. 72
The history of Warwick County and the Young family verify this information. The mill is a historic landmark on the Civil War Trail of Hampton Roads.
The mill was moved further south to Lee’s Mill.
Yorktown, Va., July 7, 1861. Colonel GEORGE DEAS, Assistant Adjutant-General, Richmond, Va.: SIR: I have the honor to report that, while fortifying Young's Mills and the mouth of Warwick River, on July 2, reports reached me that the enemy at Newport News Point, having been re-enforced from Fort Monroe, in consequence of our advance, would probably attack the position before I could make it secure, it being only eleven miles distant by land and voyage by water. I therefore ordered down the Fifth Louisiana and Sixth Georgia Regiments, and place them in reserve at and near Warwick Court-House, about two miles in the rear of Young's Mills. I strengthened this place then by erecting entrenchments for guns and breastworks for men both at the mouth of Warwick River and in rear of the mash connecting Young's Mill with the mouth of the river. xxiv
Another fact that I have found evidence of was that the Wrights and other free blacks and whites lived on Mulberry Island. The Wrights held a portion of the land until on March 7, 1918, the Army bought Mulberry Island and the surrounding acreage for $538,000 divided among it occupants one being Dudley Wright the son of Thomas Wright, in response to World War I. Camp Abraham Eustis was established as a coast artillery replacement center for Fort Monroe and a balloon observation school. It was named for Brevit Brigadier General Abraham Eustis, the first commanding officer of Fort Monroe. 73
Finally, some of the early black Baptist churches in Warwick County were started by Thomas Wright, Jr., the brother of Dudley. I believe my religious heritage and calling are tied to them. While my mother’s side of the family can be traced back to Thomas Wright born in 1789, not long after the birth of this United States, my understanding of my roots from family was vague at most. My relatives that lived in the north never seemed to have the desire, interest or wanted to really examine history and pass on to family, but in the same vein those that lived in the south also always seemed to, through ignorance never really discover who they were and pass the information on. It was not until my relocation to this area in 2000 that the family tree which was fragmented could be pieced together.
LN
HN FN LAST NAME
FIRST NAME
3
29
Thomas Sr.
4
39
31 31
Wright Wright
Harriet
AGE 61 56
SEX RACE OCCUP. VAL. M F
M
Miller
M
240
IRTHPLACE
MRD.
Warwick York Co.
X xxv
X
Listed as mulattos able to R/W (read and write). This is taken from the 1850 census. His occupation listed as Miller, I suppose his value for taxes (?) $240. This may represent an early tax that was considered unjust to mulattos and black in 1853. Since I began this project I found a cousin, Virginia Wright who is 94 years-old who will also help me with another perspective of the family. I also spoke with an older elder cousin, Joyce Wilson who once again was very vague and short on memory or thoughts of family concerning worship, Africa, strength and gathering in the time of struggle. She could only recollect the church at Richmond, First Baptist 74
and what happened their as far as family serving as missionaries and deacons. Her thoughts included that there was not much life outside of the church. Any strength or trials were overcome with her background as a Christian. Her stories were basically those of Jim Crow and the things she was denied however lived a happy childhood because of family relationships and the proximity to the church. Joyce died in 2007 she resided in Richmond, VA with her husband John and was one of the oldest members of my family. In conclusion my grandparent’s work and the way they lived allowed me to see the value in working hard and using your talents in not only working but serving humanity. Both were taught trades but were determined to do more with their lives and included raising families and serving Buffalo’s African American community. My sense of value toward people and how can I help them was from years of watching both grandfathers help neighbors and family. They both gave of themselves to help others become comfortable in more ways than one. My own values of service may have been shaped by “the head, the heart and the hands.” The theme lived in my maternal and paternal grandmothers strongly. Integrity of spirit, which I mean as fairness, compassion, courageously defying the odds of naysayers, serving without shame knowing reward comes from a higher source than mankind. Matthew 23:12 …and whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. My role as servant/pastor I believe is shaped based upon the life of my grandparents. They both maternal and paternal played a role in my formative years of middle and high school. 75
The historical theological context of my role as pastor in the African American context of calling is somewhat hereditary. The role of ancestors in ministry is closely identified with descendants just as occupations or business interests were inherited. I have not strayed very far from my religious roots knowing that this is my context in life.
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Reflection and Discussion of My Social Location
The writings of the past year stirred some thoughts and discussion because of the focus on Pastoral Care. These are some of my thoughts concerning my social location and context along with the theology that guides the internal struggle as I engage in the struggle pursuing my calling. As an African American preacher I have to decide which hill to wage war from. I have chosen the hill of serving mankind to the point that I gain the victory and overcome the oppressive forces I engage in my daily battles. I believe in Jesus concept of engaging religiosity and evil that sometime walk hand in hand we engage by ministering to the least, the lost and the lonely. It is important to see my viewpoint which faces struggles against spiritual wickedness in high places, forces which are unseen with the human eye that also may be a part of my internal make-up and imagination. The struggles I most strongly identify with are those of Moses and the children of Israel’s journey in the wilderness. Their struggle was one of getting to know themselves and the God who promises to guide them safely along their travels. My strongest influences of how to wage this struggle are Retexturization of a Tradition by Alison P. Gise Johnson and Wilmore’s Black Religion and Black Radicalism: An Examination of the Black Experience in Religion. Of special interest is the chapter on The Deradicalization of the Black Church. Jeffrey Kuan and Jennifer Brayton
The articles by Kah-Jin
Brayton on What Makes Feminist
Research Feminist? The Structure of Feminist Research with in the Social Science, only further awaken the struggle in me. 77
Wilmore’s work on the de-radicalization of the church, must be looked at to understand and determine how the deradicalization of the black church community I serve in has occurred.
The contrasting forces which control Black
religion today have more to do with the way African Americans in particular view their progress and ask the question is there a need for a radical struggle and who will conduct the struggle? My view on this subject and the contrasts are not far from the discussions, comparisons and contrasts of freedom fighters who struggled for the cause of African Americans. The historical viewpoints of W.E.B. Dubois and Booker T. Washington; Martin L. King, Jr., and Stokley Carmichael talked about the differences of their philosophies of freedom and struggles. Each has different views of the philosophical agriculturists and urban blacks and the philosophies of violence and nonviolent disobedience. I strongly relate to the agriculturist and the nonviolent for fear that the struggle with the oppressive minority may be too costly. The struggle has to be by the spirit. Many of my community’s concerns have always and may continue to be about social status and economics. The argument has been steered toward and has never seemed to leave the subjects emphasized by the media and current mainline churches of prosperity and racial equality. An issue such as teaching African Americans to read is never the struggle, yet it was against the law for many Blacks to read, vote, and share public accommodations with Whites. The feeling that “they have arrived” (Blacks) based upon public accommodations is far from the dreams of the radicals of earlier centuries of a people prospering. After Nat Turner’s rebellion in Southampton Virginia, the 78
restrictions in Virginia were made law and through the lack of education and social structures still in some ways restrict certain meetings, gatherings and travel of Blacks. Although hidden and seemly impossible to fathom, they are there, i.e. driving while black. Nat was born in Southampton County, Virginia. He was a singularly intelligent man, picking up the ability to read at a young age and experimenting with homemade paper and gunpowder. He grew up deeply religious and was often seen fasting and praying. He frequently received visions which he interpreted as being messages from God, and which greatly influenced his life; for instance, when Nat was 21 years old he ran away from his master, but returned a month later after receiving such a vision. He became known among fellow slaves as "The Prophet". His revolt was one of note because of the death of whites in Southampton County, VA. There is an effort by this nation’s mainstream press and politics to vilify many of those who today decide they may become social activists. From accusations such as unpaid tax investigations, sexual misconduct and mail-wire fraud indictments for those who decide to struggle. African Americans that are not a part of the U.S. majority white population leadership positions and positions of popularity will be weakened by the courts of public opinion and debates within our own community. My belief is that until the masses are moved by the fervor of radicalism, change is only a dream of some prophetic person who may or may not have a following of persons who share in the struggle with the same passion. The persons who are most in need of change and help are historically the most reluctant to accept the words and actions of the radical on a consistent basis. 79
Radicalism has also been equated with violence and the overthrow of the governmental systems, linked with communism and/or socialism, which are misunderstood and seldom ever spoken of as means of change. The thoughts or threats of any minority gaining power by violent means have most times met with violent means and their ideas have been conformed into a part of the system. Examples of receiving funding to support their goals of lifting people socially and economically have historically been the ways to weaken influence and popularity. When persons receive the lift economically or socially, and no matter how small the lift; persons feel as though they have somehow arrived yet many strategies and layers of discrimination have yet to be uncovered. One of the oldest strategies is to implant into the people a consciousness of personal inferiority. They had “to know and keep their places,” to “feel the difference between master and slave,” to understand that bondage was their natural status. “They had to feel that African ancestry tainted them…xxvi” Wilmore states in the chapter that I mention earlier that literature, politics and science work hand in hand to make sure Blacks were on unequal footing then and the result would be they would always be off balance as far as radicalism and struggle goes. I feel a weak church, a weak pastorate and a system of perpetuation of ignorance is enough to de-radicalize and neuter Nat Turner’s radical church from the 1800’s. A struggle worth dying for. In a speech on abolition of slavery, given January 16, 1832 by Henry Berry, House of Delegates of Virginia. “…We have as far as possible, closed every avenue by which light might enter their minds…to extinguish the capacity to see the light and our work will have been completed; they will have been reduced to the level of beasts in the field.”xxvii As you hear this 80
you may or may not have feelings, but in my location, it has not ceased when I view the poor educational systems in a country that can wage war at the monetary rate of billions versus millions spent on education of its children. Our view is of persons minds now chained.
To
me
some civil rights organizations and denominations seemed to be created to moderate social strategies and not fight for concerns of social or judicial nature. Wilmore says the church rejected the radicalism of Henry Turner One of the most influential African American leaders in latenineteenth-century Georgia. Henry McNeal Turner was a pioneering church organizer and missionary for the African Methodist Episcopal Church (AME) in Georgia, later rising to the rank of bishop. Turner was also an active politician and Reconstruction-era state legislator from Macon. Later in life, he became an outspoken advocate of back-to-Africa emigration. xxviii The fact that the church is used to de-radicalize the African American people and the institution of the church is not a new argument, but one with each passing year gains more and more strength and the church grows weaker and weaker. It loses sight of the mission and ministry of the black church. I must be conscious of the struggle, develop strategies to continue the fight and never forgetting that there is a concerted effort by others to continue to assimilate blacks into a place of inferiority and powerlessness. The church and the Black preacher must either struggle or stand by silently watching the further extinguishment of the flames of Black radicalism in the church and America. Black radicalism has to be redefined to fit the current condition of America and its people. There may never again be a radicalism that portrays violence, but one where 81
political and social struggle continues exposing the inequities and violence perpetuated against a race and other races of people who join in the struggle. “The apex of white racial ideology was reached when it was assumed that white domination was a God given right.”xxix There is unmistakably a connection between white religion and the DeChristianization of Black Radicalism. Black radicalism throughout the sixties was linked by mainline press and others with violent black men with little or no connection to the church. I was reported that they were only interested in the violent overthrow of the US government and the slide of American black communities into chaos, i.e. Black Panther Party. This was noted in the escalation of comparing and contrasting in the press the rhetoric of ideologies between Martin Luther King, Jr., H. Rap Brown, Stokley Carmichael and Malcolm.
In the chapter on de-
radicalization it speaks of the weakness of the church and its refusal to continue the fight. The next chapter speaks to the social structures of the Black community used as the gatekeepers of the fight. Wilmore calls the church the “invisible institution” which stands in contrast to the conservative white church and that there may be a conspiracy to continue the status quo, if parties of the first part, and parties of the second part are satisfied with the conditions of Black people. Henry Turner is again used as the voice of frustration and those who would be free. However his stature of preacher/freedom fighter represents the romanticism of the juxtaposition of freedom and Black worship. The preacher who once was responsible for the violent (Nat Turner) and non-violent actions toward the oppressor now leaves the banner to others. Organizations with other social agendas that impact the community but may never gain 82
the full support of the Black church, are viewed by the impoverished and the disenfranchised as an option to weak leadership of the Black preacher. We must understand that Black slave religion consists of a people who were forced from their homeland; given a religion which falsely gives them hope and detains them at the same time is an oxymoron.
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Re-texturization of a Tradition (The impact of Womanist Theology) "If I could do it, I'd do no writing at all here. It would be photographs; the rest would be fragments of cloth, bits of cotton, lumps of earth, records of speech, pieces of wood and iron, phials or odors, plates of food.” “You won't hear it nicely. If it hurts you, be glad of it. As near as you will ever get, you are inside the music; not only inside it, you are it; your body is no longer your shape and substance, it is the shape and substance of the music.” James Agee, Author of "Let Us Now Praise Famous Men" xxx We must begin to understand the importance of the wholeness of the history and historical fabric of the Black Family and the community in which it lives since the coming of the slave to the shores of America. A Dutch slave trader exchanged his cargo of Africans for food in 1619. The Africans became indentured servants, similar in legal position to many poor Englishmen who traded several years’ labor in exchange for passage to America.xxxi
Not only does this give us the historical
background for the start of the Black race in America according to U.S. Historical accounts but so do others. Other writers raise a strong argument that moves the discussion from just the pastoral issues in the Black church but to issues that strongly affect people as a whole and the African American people in particular. I would like to raise for purposes of this discussion Katie Canon and her book Katie’s Canon. Dr. Canon talks of the relationship of the unraveling of the family and the plight of Black women. My theology and its connection to liberation strongly resonate with not the feminist theologian but with the womanist theology 84
for purposes of comparison and articulation of the Black community and church struggle. The writer Alice Walker first coined the term "womanist" from "womanish," the opposite of "girlish." According to Walker a "womanist" is one who values this soul and the well-being of the black community. This is different from the feminst ideation and thoughts of equality for all women because she (women of majority culture) still relates with the oppressor, although this may be a weak argument. “It is this Womanish, “Womanist,” (Black woman in my social location) who was the courageous, responsible, audacious, courageous, serious and traditionally capable, woman committed to the survival and wholeness of her people.”xxxii It is this Black woman who over time is bombarded with the most heinous, disreputable images ever conjured by mankind, so that her children would no longer be respected and disappear from the accounts in the annals of others history. The goal of making her daughters and sons irrelevant on the global stage appears to be feeble attempts of unraveling her family and the dislodging moral ethos of several generations (1910-1960) of Black humanity. The miswritten stories of the segments of racist and bigoted American press demythologize and reconceptualize in their own terms the history of Blacks in America and the impact and affect of the institution of American slavery upon American society. This is a history formerly told predominantly from slave-owners' perspectivesxxxiii but now must no longer be told over and over from the eyes of others until residents of the Black community ignore the gains and progress of a race and see the attemps of unraveling it. 85
It is true that the community is not the same, but in ways this unraveling is also necessary for the patchwork of building a quilt, a reweaving and strengthening which actually holds together the advances and progress. It should not be made to become like the others but to instill in its people, maintainance of the heritage and develop the culture that helps with the perpetuation and continued existence of a race known as Black folk in America. Communion of the Spirit the book by Roland Freeman highlights among others The quilts of Gee’s Bend.
They are a wonderful
illustration of the hands or women who connect their history and stories to the struggle of freedom for blacks. They also represent the hands that will reweave the fabric of Black communities. Gee’s Bend women developed a distinctive, bold, and sophisticated quilting style based on traditional American (and African American) quilts, but with a geometric simplicity reminiscent of Amish quilts and modern art. The women of Gee’s Bend passed their skills and aesthetic down through at least six generations to the present.xxxiv Their struggle is similar to the struggle fo the Black race to remain intact. We must all find ways to do so. An example of one of the ways that gives us an account of the struggles of a people, their struggle to survive and perpetuate their identity is in a book A History of Ancient Israel and Judah: A Compilation by Dr. Jerome C. Ross Assistant former Professor of the Old Testament, Samuel DeWitt Proctor School of Theology, Virginia Union University. He carefully gives us a look into the inner workings of a people and community. In order for them to survive he mentions the seven requirements for survival -- administrative structure, economic independence, ideological standardization, common language, selective 86
appropriation, population growth, and land acquisition, all of which are reflected in their theology.
xxxv
Black people in America posses all of
those qualities mentioned by Ross but not as a whole because Blacks in America are diverse in culture and social DNA. It is the partly collective failure and lack of effort of Black people to achieve this standard expounded by Ross that leads to the enabling of outside influencers that allow continuation of the seeding of myths, stereotypes and bafoons to represent the life and culture of an entire people. Who cares that the Black American is gone from the face of the earth? Certainly our stories written and rewritten by Black people, by and of the people related will answer this question. For example It is the brutality we read about in fiction of Walker and the historical accounts by Wilmore and Zora Neal Hurston that one is able to read on the lines and between the lines to view that which goes ignored and unreported.
Only women with stories of
struggle and who were not silent; such as Walker, Katie Canon and Zora Neale Hurston. The three of them give this perspective of race, class and a sense of theological understanding of not belonging to the dominate society yet is a great society in itself. In my brazen attempts to show connection of my social location to the mentioning of these women I must show hypotonicity of the Blacks in America in relation to explaining the brutality, criminal behaviors, lynching, cross-burning and violent society of law makers. American history is full of law breakers who by local legality left the Black folk on the outside.
Even in the expression of the U.S.
Constitution, which says, “All men were created equal.� Katie Canon describes the brutal racist societal system that was in place, which masked 87
itself (The Switching of Hoods and Robes)xxxvi and has yet to take responsibility for its actions or the actions of a government that through the letter of the law supported it. There were judges, law enforcement officials and legislators who also served the desires of the KKK and other groups. In analyzing the history of the African-American community, Cannon unmasks a structure in which white-supremacist racism functions as the indispensable ingredient for the development of a capitalist political economy, and maintains that the elimination of a capitalist mode of production is essential to make racism dysfunctional.xxxvii Hurston tells the powerful and compelling story of Ruby McCollom, raped by a white doctor in Florida. Under Paramour Rights that refers to a pre-Civil War Southern practice that gave white men the right to take black women, married or not, as concubines. The term "Paramour Rights" was first used by Zora Neale Hurston, to describe the practice of white men fathering children by black women whether they were married or not. The practice, she observed, began prior to the Civil War, and was reinforced afterwards by Jim Crow legislation that prevented marriage between people of different races. Hurston first discovered the practice in her studies of the turpentine camps of North Florida in the 1930s. She believed that the death knell of Paramour Rights was sounded by the trial of Ruby McCollum, a black woman who murdered her white lover, Dr. C. Leroy Adams, in Live Oak, Florida in 1952. For the first time in history, a black woman, Ruby McCollum, testified to a white lover forcing sex upon her and demanding that she have his child. Her subsequent conviction and death sentence (1954) were later overturned by the Florida Supreme Court, but she was declared mentally 88
incompetent and incarcerated for 20 years in a the Florida State Mental Hospital at Chattahoochee until she was set free under Florida's Baker Act. Zora Neal Hurston covered the trial for the Pittsburgh Courier and collaborated with William Bradford Huie who came in after the trial, and later published Ruby McCollum: Woman in the Suwannee Jail (New York, 1956). The following is a good descriptive of what Canon tries to accomplish in her disertation. As part of womanism, Cannon describes her heuristic pedagogy of liberation ethics. Its purpose is "debunking, unmasking, and disentangling the ideologies, theologies, and systems of value operative in a particular society." It is performed "by analyzing the established power relationships that determine cultural, political, and economic presuppositions and by evaluating the legitimating myths that sanction the enforcement of such values." It is necessary "in order that we [the black community] may become responsible decision-makers who envision structural and systemic alternatives that embrace the well-being of us all.” It is important, however, to observe that Cannon's womanism does not idealize AfricanAmerican community. Rather, she critically examines two of its major problems: sexism in the black church, and the failure of their community to recognize different virtues in the context of survival. While the African-American church has been "the citadel of hope" for their community and African-American women have made significant contributions to its "up-lift," Cannon observes that not only dominant Western value systems but also the African-American. The connections are exciting and helps me conclude my paper by making mention again of the paper on Feminist Research and as brayton writes “who writes the stories” helps me to understand that as GuiceJohnson says “African American religious history has been stripped of the complexities,” I also say that is too complex to strip bare. That 89
means to me that as complex as it is, it is also too embedded in our culture, because of the women who refused to stop living in-spite of adversity. Their reward in life has not come in the form of recognition by a greater society but if we view it from the aspect of consequences and place conviction upon the majority or greater society. I view my social location from the framework that has robbed itself of one of the greatest pearls of history, the value of womanist hermeneutical complexities (Guise-Johnson) in the relationship to black folk. The deconstruction that Brayton writes of the image-makers may never be realized to the satisfaction of the U.S. minority but the painstakingly slow process of deconstruction must begin somewhere and somehow.
Anglo-American perspectives are defined as documents
created by white women and men, which contain textual references to African-Americans and shed light on the lives and experiences of African-American women. Most of the sources pertain to slavery times from whence very few African-American voices existed.xxxviii Maybe the question should be who has heard them and what impact have they had? The works of African Americans and leisurely literary works gives notoriety to the genre of African American folk life but the real view point of the African American Woman and her struggle goes almost unnoticed through history. My appetite and inquiries into how important the Black woman is to understanding the true status of my social location and the unraveling of the complexities of Black folk. I learned that I must take the bitter with the sweet, but the more I examine the bitter sweetness rises to the surface, it is through this exposure that xxxixI find out who I really am. In 90
the context of Womanist there must be a discussion that involves the Black man in under the banner of Womanist Theology.
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CPE EVALUATIONS, DIDACTICS AND PRESENTATIONS UNIT I To determine my learning goals it has been an arduous process and after two weeks I believe I have determined some of those goals for this first unit of CPE. After this first unit of CPE the development of my goals were arduous and had many variables which were determined by my week to week activities. I tried very hard to adhere to the goals but found adhering difficult because of my own naivety concerning the depth and complexity of CPE clinical style of learning.
Learning Covenant I hope to take my past experiences define them with my new context, that is to say whether I can clearly state the benefits of the clinical educational training and the inclusion of the journey that led me to CPE. This was an area where I could determine from the first week that all of my collective experiences of my personal and professional journey would be brought somehow into context with the clinical education. I experienced immediate conscientization of my surroundings and the work ahead. The work was difficult mentally and physically, at the same time.
My chain of events beginning with orientation and
ending with this End of Unit Evaluation led to my being able to so far, clearly define the benefits of CPE education. I now feel strongly that my 92
calling has always included ways to lead me to Sentara. However recognition of the calling and acceptance of it beyond my interest in pastoral care and chaplaincy for the purpose of doctoral studies was difficult. I have accepted this as a part of my call and see the benefits. CPE has opened a more concise discussion within myself concerning my call and has given me confidence through the process of learning that not only affirms my call but renews it, daily. It has given me the checks and balances of collegiality to help me to critique my response to the call and quiet the inner critic, which at times would deny my worthiness and/or vigor for this calling.
To learn how to effectively perform my duties and assigned responsibilities as CPE Resident. I have at times had a difficult time performing my duties and responsibilities and due partly to the fact I had not discovered or incorporated into my learning goals self-care. I quickly discovered by listening and examples of Staff Chaplains ways to do so. I had found that the care I used as a pastor to find respite and renewal were not effective enough for CPE.
To be able to intentionally develop a plan for self-care and self-supervision within my clinical setting of hospital chaplain. CPE essentially required a different kind of care and self supervision on a daily basis. I needed more during the first weeks then I do now.
Although not as much, I still have to be consistent and 93
methodical concerning the care of myself. I have begun to start each day with my own devotional period. I have filled a basket in my bath with resources and readings that are geared toward devotion that I can pick up in the mornings and read about places, people and instances where renewal or communication with the Father brought the desired result of inspiration.
This preparation has prepared me for the days when I
needed to extract strength from within to face the events of the day.
Minister to persons in crisis within designed collaborative team setting including chaplains and other SNGH staff. This goal was very difficult during the first weeks. I felt as though I was invisible at times to the staff, instead of making myself known to other SNGH medical staff. I talked through these feelings with colleagues and in supervision knowing that this was a goal that must be completed. I was feeling that since medical staff was not talking directly to me at times that I was being left out. I had to move forward by involving myself with medical teams and even have asked “do you mind if I listen?� This has worked very well for me. I have also had to deal with doctors who by their demeanor seemed dismissive toward me, to only find out later through discussion with chaplaincy staff that it is better to work with the personality of the doctor and find ways to help the patient or family, without feeling personally disregarded by the doctor.
To develop a learning track that addresses my particular needs as a person and minister. 94
I have taken each problem along each step of this learning track and have tried to address the problems that arise psychologically and emotionally for me. I felt it was important to me to understand what arises in me on the emotional and psychological level because of the impact it would have on my ability to minister to patients. I believe I have taken the instances where my own emotions and psychological levels have become uncomfortable, that I have been able to use them as doors for ministry and helping the patient in those moments. Usually this has been determined by my personal needs and the needs of the patient and finding a point in the relationship to make the pastoral visit most effective. I have tried to incorporate, readings and supervision to help develop that track.
Identify my ministry impact on others, (patients, staff, family, colleagues, etc.) enabling the development of my pastoral identity. My Pastoral identity has allowed me to learn that my ministry impact and pastoral identity are closely related. The patient visits and deportment with the patient have provided the medium for development of pastoral identity. This has been accomplished through the numerous visits and seminar work to reflect upon how and why I have performed many of the dynamics involved with patient care.
The structure of
learning has allowed me to learn reflect, learn reflect and each step of learning has allowed me to thoroughly cover properly the work needed to achieve desired outcomes, i.e. verbatim.
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To learn to minister and learn alongside colleagues who will offer not only mutual support and reflective critique. This area of my learning covenant has been relatively easy. I have been able to sit and listen and learn from the other residents, Staff Chaplains, staff, Education Director and Manager in the setting where mutual support and critique have enhanced my learning process. I have been critiqued on not only patient care but my learning abilities and how to develop both so that they are clear and relevant to the leaning environment. It’s caused me to seek pastoral supervision of work and ministry, focusing on the development of my personal and professional growth.
Learn to work effectively in perspective with other persons from a variety of cultural, social and faith experiences, using my theological knowledge to affirm the importance of existential theology for this time in my life and ministry. The learning process here has allowed me to move outside of my organized religious relationships and structures of learning and implementing learning. My faith has been redesigned to include the immense possibilities of the faith and desires of others. I believe I have become more individual in my thinking and leaning. I am able to question my own theology and what it is that I believe based upon my learning experiences with patients and other staff members in chaplaincy.
I am determined to combine, experiential, womanist,
liberation and existential theology to frame my total theology and this
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environment has helped me to extend and broaden my experience that will lead to that development.
To become more aware of ministry within the (others) social systems, structures and conditions that impacts my life. I was not wrong concerning this learning goal and having it as one of mine. I have greatly expanded my thinking by listening mostly to chaplains and medical staff, learning their systems and finding to what degree or level of learning it has impacted me. I have found that my consciousness has been awakened to systems, structures and conditions that make for fruitful dialogue and learning goals that can be revamped to fit the current learning tracks. Exposure to others and their opinions will help more in my experience to learn even more.
Pastoral Formation I am now able to take the traditions and religious heritage that I have evolved from and use them more effectively in pastoral care. The theme that every patient and person staff included needs someone to care for them and that I should be willing to answer the call to do so. In answering the call I also am looking for a window of opportunity to do good pastoral care. I am able to discuss and view major life events, relationships and some cultural contexts to identify my own ability to move about those contexts and function effectively. It is important to me to try to grasp
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and wrestle with who the patients are in relationship to pastoral care and also their lives outside of this institution. What I consider as a valuable tool and resource in the CPE process in the ability to engage peers in conversations that stimulate my growth and development in CPE. I have learned how to consult with other chaplaincy staff and medical staff for the good of the patient and my learning goals. Engaging them along with the ability to do self care and supervision are vital to my own personal emotional, psychological and spiritual health. I have done so, by instituting a more systematic way of starting the day with devotion and finding ways to center, concentrate and find ways to motivate myself from within.
Pastoral Competence I have learned to offer critique and have grown to receive it whether I feel appropriate or not. My group dynamics have allowed me to see the diversity of chaplaincy staff, both residents and staff chaplains and recognize the differences in style and demands placed upon me. I have at times been to cautious in integration of understandings and, I am more able to identify and incorporate into my practice of care to the patient what I have learned. My course work here has been especially easy to incorporate because of its relevancy. Diversity to me also means staff and patients and at times I have been eager and at other times somewhat reluctant, because of my own exhaustion. It is the realization of my responsibilities that has allowed me to keep pace with the demands with the initiated relationships.
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Pastoral Reflection My goals are changing and have become attainable mores so with the help of the clinical method and the evaluation by peers. I am not afraid to make mistakes and find ways to improve. My learning at times ahs been clinical yet has allowed me to look inside of me to help with formation and reaching of my goals. My weaknesses are magnified before me and I am able to receive the evaluation and critique I believe will help me with proper formulation in accordance with what is expected of me.
Pastoral Functioning My rotation as Surgical/Trauma Resident included 6K, OSDU, 4RP, waiting areas, ED and covering for Chaplain Bowser on BTU, NICU. I would have to say that most of my time was spent in ED answering Traumas Alpha and Bravo.
My responsibilities included
patient care, families and staff on those units. Pastoral function with patients, families and staff has included developing ways to be able to offer pastoral care that agrees with the person. I have learned from being in proximity and asking can I listen in on conferences between nurses, doctors and patient/families. A couple of times I was involved in discussions between Palliative Care Team and families.
I have tried to develop different approaches and ways to
introduce who I am and to set in order what it is that I will do for them. The information of consultation and collaboration helped me to see the importance of the medical staff to my relationship with the patient.
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The personal and professional; issues that have I have encountered are learning to separate my own issues from those of the patient, with the patient in the forefront of the care I offer. I have come across situations where my own thoughts and issues have captivated my thoughts and I have lost sight of the patient and their discussion. I have had to focus on listening and hearing the patient to remain professional, concerned and know the relationship and the role that I play as chaplain. Each time my personal emotional levels have arisen I have had to remain focused because they have a tremendous impact on my work to the point whereby I may miss what the patient is saying. At times I’ve had to block out or integrate my personal emotional thoughts into my care for the patient. They have had to also be looked at to keep me from not gaining the type of pastoral relationship with patients.
Theological Learning My theology which I have described as existential, experiential and liberation combined is developing each week. I am finding that the more I listen and learn to the course work it help me to redefine my theology, to be able to speak to patients, families and staff from the view of a chaplain. I am not sure that my pre-CPE theology is relevant to this setting and I must choose carefully my applications to the patient and many times the stories are not as important as their story which helps me tweak my theology. Patients who are resistant to any theological themes in discussion make me work even harder to find the theological point in the discussion.
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Course Requirements I have worked hard on trying to do one type of presentation well and that has been the verbatim. The work in each writing, seminar and didactic has helped me to fold into my theological thoughts in development
of
my
verbatim.
The
course
work
including
Psychoanalytical thought and the writings have allowed me to see this work as instruments and tools for better work. The movies and readings helped me to define and become familiar with the association of the course work with chaplaincy.
Continued Growth My edges of growth which I will carry into the next unit include dealing with my feelings toward patients and how to handle my concern for the patient.
Each patient has to be viewed as distinct and an
individual which I must deal with in the moment. What work can I do in that moment of time and be effective with the patient taking note of what the patient needs to express, feel or be in that moment? I would like to be able to work and not feel the need to be attached to the patient beyond the time spent with them.
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UNIT II Learning Covenant My past experiences are now truly being integrated into my new covenant not only with the CPE experience but with myself. I hope to now through more self evaluation be able to understand my own life’s experiences and grow personally. It is has been most difficult integrating and learning about my past experiences at the same time. My own personal growth has also been difficult to identify in this unit. I know that I am growing, but the lack of daily connection with the learning process and availability to supervision or the lack of has made this difficult also. I have tried as hard as possible, finding that the next unit may be a good place to start again. I am in the Emergency Department and it has made completing this task difficult.
Work more closely with colleagues and inwardly feel as though I am clearly a part of the Sentara CPE team. The difficulty with this goal is the fact that separation makes it difficult, but congruently growth with other staff and other teams within the medical setting has increased.
I learned to nurture those
relationships. It is now time to move to the next rotation and I am finding that it takes most of the rotation to develop solid working relationships where trust and confidence in the chaplain is developed. 102
Have an affinity to write and talk freely about culturally diverse patients and my connection to do ministry with them. This has been one of the easier tasks this unit. The deficiency with this goal was availing me to other groups and cultures along with a concerted effort to present cases that represent this diversity. I believe that allowing myself to feel empathetic toward all patients versus ones who most (look) like me was the goal I completed.
To find more opportunities to consult and collaborate with medical and support staff, learning more about what they do in relation to CPE Residency. In the ED those opportunities arose more often then on the floors in my first unit.
Because of close quarters, flow of traffic,
dependency upon the skills of the chaplain, no other chaplains available those opportunities to achieve this goal were easy. The ED was without a Staff Chaplain most of the rotation. The next rotation on the floors will present a greater challenge.
Pastoral Formation My religious heritage and theological understanding is beginning to take shape. It is doing so in a more concrete way based upon the fact that I have looked at Pastoral Formation through different lenses. 311.1.3 includes understanding my Episcopal, Pentecostal and Baptist heritage 103
and what I bring from all three into the CPE arena. My Anglican journey I believe has the greatest impact. In the religious themes of the Anglican Church care for others was a major theme. My mom was recently at a conference with two priests who helped form my heritage, Father Sam Sam a Syrian priest who was also a baker and Father Smiley both remember me and I remember them and their work for other people. My major life events more so than relationships and cultural context at this point are either hindering or helping with formation. Death has played a role through the death of my grandfather and son, who allow me to remember and also have a greater empathy for patients experiencing difficulty in their stay at SNGH. My peer and supervisory relationships have allowed me to receive critique and trying to understand their points of view with so little information to go on is difficult to me. I am not sure that I allowed them to really understand what is going on inside of me and their probing at times can be annoying, yet my withholding and avoiding is difficult for them to detect at times.
Pastoral Competence It is easy to reverse the feelings that I feel and understand at times when I risk to offer comment or critique of peers that it is not taken lightly and also causes a conflict between peers and myself. I am willing to risk that to help myself and they understand that I take the risk in love, hopefully in time and context. The change in CPE Residents also changed the dynamic of the CPE group. Inter-Personal Relationship does more than anything else to 104
help me understand those relationships, which I must spend time each time we meet to build upon that knowledge.
Each resident is an
individual and if this group stays together for the year the dynamics will change
and
I
will
have
a
better
understanding
of
the
theological/social/religious contexts of each resident. Initiation of helping relationships means to me, finding the best possible care and team dynamic that will help the patient. They take the form of consultation and collaboration of not only chaplains, but other disciplines such as social work, referrals etc.
Pastoral Reflection The clinical method of learning this unit helps me to be more conscientious of the care given by me to the patient. The care and my educational goals now are beginning to integrate themselves to more definitively express my goals in relationship to education. For example learning about patient family reactions to death, also allows me to interact with the barrage of insults by family members directed toward me and still give good care. Formulation of goals and learning about formation are now being incorporated and manipulated by my strengths and weaknesses. I must at times alleviate the fears I have and courageously work toward clarity and specificity of design for my goals.
Pastoral Functioning 105
The ED clinical assignment consists of the Waiting Room, Minor Care, Main Treatment Area and Trauma Center. I was responsible for Chaplain Care to family, patient and staff. It was also important to control activities of visitors and interact with security and registration to help with coordination of those different entities. Function with patients, families and staff have consisted of many facets of care learned in CPE. Because of the levels of immediate and critical care demanded by patients and families the learning process and all areas covered in clinical learning covered some of the areas. Bereavement, Family Systems, Psychodynamics, Trauma, Brief Care all are areas that had been discussed and covered in seminars. Relationships and staff interaction including me determined function. The variation of personality, activity of the ED and patient conditions affected my work. The personal and professional; issues that have I have encountered are learning to separate my own issues from those of the patient, with the patient in the forefront of the care I offer. I repeated this sentence from my first unit because of the relevance and the difficulty that has occurred in the ED doing so. Professional issues and the difficulty with chaplain staffing of the ED, made me accept what was going on, and I don’t believe I spoke up about the frustrations of understanding I was feeling. It was almost as if there was no one, on duty that I could turn to as I had designed in my original plans for learning this quarter. Increased awareness on the personal and emotional level: not only was this difficult from the patients stand point but as a department this was difficult. My inability to express my heightened anxiety because of the inconsistency of the ED Staff Chaplain and the difficulties of staff 106
understanding the role and responsibilities of the Chaplain made this difficult. Staff seemed to have a sense of distrust and at times looks of no confidence from night to night. It was more difficult than conveyed to get through the mire of staffing issues in the ED. It brought in other Associate Chaplains and conversations concerning what was going on in the ED was not appreciated by me.
Theological Learning There is a certain amount of mistrust and difficulty with the lack of theological “trust” by others who I don’t think understand the immediate needs and the lack of clarity of explaining what it is that I go through in dealing with the patients. My experiences partnered with my theology I believe give me great instinctive insight into the needs of the patient. At times there has been difficulty expressing that the needs have been met whether through my own line of questioning and what the patient is saying at the moment. If the patient is flooded with emotion and sometimes physical pain, they also at times are skeptical of why the chaplain has come to see them. The exploratory actions that I exhibit sometimes are to help me quickly discern what the real need of the patient is at this moment. My agenda I am finding is to offer the best pastoral care possible to the patient with the at times, disrupted time I have to spend with them. My own theology is becoming less and less important to that care, but the theology of the patient and what they desire from “Their” God. Course Requirements
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What has been required of me this unit is to indicate if learning and implementation of learning is successful. That would be easy except that my own personal issues and obstacles seem to bee in the mix. It would be easy if I ignored my own theology, feelings, emotions, etc. but that is not what is expected.
I try to live up to the expectations and
requirements consciously meeting the demands of others which is reasonable. The part that is most difficult is to integrate my personal stories into patient care. The evening ED rotation makes this extremely difficult because there is an isolation of the resident and only brief encounters with other staff and supervision. I have neglected to work hard and bridging those relationships with the night time work. The exhaustion and demands of ED make this difficult. The drama of staff, relations between Staff Chaplains and Residents also made some of this difficult. What I have learned is to pay less attention to “others drama� and focus more on my own work. I am far enough along in the program to do so. My own self care and supervision has taken on a new context and the evening rotation left space for too much play. My lack of reading caused some of my developmental goals to suffer. The level of critical care was so demanding that unjustly so I did a lot based upon instinct and may not have integrated some of the learning that may or may not have been relevant for this rotation.
Continued Growth Continued Growth is important to me, I must try even harder to connect the learning experiences with patient care. Patients are now the 108
most important facets of CPE. My own personal growth is easier to bring into context as I grow, but patient care is primary. I have some self-critiques but clarity comes even more when I learn to deal with the critiques and praises of others. To remove my personal feelings and replace them with “how do I feel� in relationship to the patient and care of the patient. Growing means to resist lulls when physiologically and emotionally draining spikes occur from within. It is then that I must find the fortitude and endurance to continue without becoming disappointed and then in turn disappointing myself. The third unit I would describe for myself as a time of maturity. Maturing as a CPE Resident and as an individual who desires to be excellent.
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UNIT III Learning Covenant Learning goals-My past experiences are now truly being integrated into my new covenant not only with the CPE experience but with me. I hope to now through more self evaluation be able to understand my own life’s experiences and grow personally.
Work more closely with medical staff, chaplains and colleagues to feel as though I am clearly a part of the Chaplaincy team. One of the ways I achieved this goal was by participating in the Memorial Services held at the Memorial Gardens. I was in collaboration with the Staff Chaplain and a Nurse Bereavement Coordinator. I was able to work with the families who had experienced the death of their babies on the Women’s Health Unit.
Have an affinity to write and talk freely about culturally diverse patients and my connection to do ministry with them. I felt as though my writing took a turn to be more expressive of my true feelings and to be more transparent (biographical) of my own hidden agendas to gain richness from my supervisor and colleagues. In conversations in the CPE setting whether IPR or seminar I felt that I was 110
able to move away from storage of feelings and smoothing over with myself the discomfort I was feeling. It is here that I felt my healthiest and had a feeling of true progress toward this goal.
To find more opportunities to consult and collaborate with medical and support staff, learning more about what they do in relation to chaplaincy. The presentation of the Grand Rounds and collaboration with the staff chaplain allowed me to desire to work on a higher level of competency. I tried hard to check within myself the list formulated in the first two units that would allow me to make connection more fully and conscientiously with not only the patient but surrounding staff and doctors. I found that by holding conversations with staff and doctors there is a greater feeling of connectedness to the team effort of collaboration and benefit to the patient.
To give more direct and efficient care to critically ill patients. One of the more distinctive opportunities of responsibility to offer care to the critically ill patient came with the illness of the staff chaplain during my rotation in Women’s Health, Vascular and Cardiac. With the Staff Chaplain out on medical leave I immediately was placed in the position to have to cover the more critical areas of the rotation. I felt that one of the goals I had designed in my last unit of closer cooperation with the staff chaplain was placed to the side in place was the critical piece and care of the patient’s families. This translated into more family 111
conferences and discussions with patients about the seriousness of their care. I can tell that doctors and staff lean more heavily on the chaplain in the critical areas, i.e. CICU, CSICU and VICU. I felt also the pressure that this type of care brings.
To have more meaningful visits and discussions with patients and to be able to communicate clearly my feelings and based upon my CPE experiences the clinical outcomes of patient pastoral care. I had experience with many patients that I was able to get to know over time and include presentations of patients including my second Grand Rounds presentation. I have been able to incorporate interviewing techniques and critique of those to include in my reporting what is important to the CPE learning process. This included my care to patients in the ICU areas of my rotation. Not that critical care makes the visit more meaningful, but the work that it takes to communicate with patients and families in these areas is where I was able to work on this goal.
Pastoral Functioning My areas for this clinical rotation included Cardiac-Heart Hospital 4th Floor Cardiac Step-down, 5th Floor Cardiac Step-down, Care 2nd Floor, 4RP Vascular, Women’s Health, 4A and 4B, Labor and Delivery, Nurseries and INSY. I also answered all Codes, MRT and pages to these units. I spent part-time of this unit also covering Cardiac ICU, Cardiac Surgery ICU, Vascular ICU and all related waiting areas. 112
Clinical Example: While in Women’s Health some of the occurrences where I was able to care for patents and families it included a memorial service for the infants who died either stillbirth or alive. The following is the Homily written for the families at that service: “We are standing on holy ground, and there are angels all around…for we are standing on holy ground.” We have come to commemorate the life of the precious souls that you hold in your hearts today. We do so by assembling here on this Holy Ground in Rosewood Memorial Park and speaking words of life to family and friends gathered. This day for some of you has been a long time coming and now the day has arrived. This becomes the final place along a journey called life for you and your child. As you stand here today with emotions and feelings as various as the names represented here, we stand with you. As brave and courageous as you are, we stand with you. We the staff members of SNGH are honored to be standing here with you sharing in one of the most, if not thee most memorable day of your lives. We honor you and we honor your child. Today is a day of planting. Some know that when a seed is planted in the earth and given time it grows. The earth and what is on top of the earth, all of the heartache, sorrow, sickness, and tears, none of that matter to seed. The seed still grows. You will be leaving here today a 113
memory that is eternal, in that this child will always have a place in your heart and family. In the locket of your mind there will always be the picture of your child that no matter how the circumstances turned out will forever; here and now have this place, a sacred space designed for seedlings waiting to grow. It is our hope that sorrow and grief be turned into joy. When we speak of grief turned into joy, it is a different kind of joy. It is the kind that only a parent who has had to plant their child as a seed in the earth would understand. Joy is hard to imagine at times like these, but as the seed spends time in the dark earth, and the butterfly spends time in the dark cocoon, and as you spend time shedding tears in your dark and lonely hours, someday you will smile and know deep down in your heart that as the songwriter wrote “everything is going be alright.” “Well Mr. Preacher, when does that happen?” you may be asking and I’d reply, “I don’t know, all I know is, that sooner of later, it will be alright.” Even as you turn to walk away today you maybe imagining that the days I describe to you may never come, however trust me. Remember at time your memories will bring both smiles than tears. Your thoughts will overtake you and the question will come to your mind and you need to know everything’s OK. Just as quickly as the billows of doubt overtook you, it will flood into your soul that everything’s alright. Psalm 23 is read. 114
I worked for the first time with the Bereavement Care Coordinator for Sentara system on the memorial service and care to patients. I was able to learn from her many of the points of care to families in Women’s Health in relation to birth/death and still born deaths of babies.
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Clinical Example: The following are examples of functioning with patients, families and staff. Included are several learning, personal and professional issues I encountered and how they were reflected in my work and relationships. Finally I mention the increased awareness on the personal and emotional levels and how this affected my ministry and relationships with patients, families and or staff.
Background: I had a patient in Vascular ICU whose mother and father have gravitated to me as the chaplain who cares for their daughter. We were able to connect and they trusted me to see about them. That trust came about as they expressed when their daughter had several emotional outbreaks and I was present with them. This was important to the family of the patient because they are a people who based upon the father’s view rarely show emotion. I was able connect with the patient and parents after a few visits. It was at one point of peak frustration that we connected. I felt some things they were saying to their daughter were wrong, but I never said anything to break their connection as parents and the ones she has trusted and depended upon for most of her life. Prior to my first visit with this patient I did not know anything personally about her. Once arriving on the floor I did speak with the nurse on duty and was told that the patient could benefit from a pastoral visit. I asked the nurse to tell me something about the patient, and she said that the patient was a transplant recipient who only recently awakens
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with complications after 41 days in a coma. I had not spoken to any other family or staff. I was feeling that this would be a good patient to visit, especially since she would be one of my first patients on the Vascular Unit that would fit my goal to be with patients whose illnesses were more critical in nature. This verbatim is over the course of three visits. Pastoral Plans and Purpose My plans included finding information concerning patients who were renal transplantation recipients who had the organ transplant of a kidney with end-stage renal disease. Kidney transplantation is typically classified as deceased-donor (formerly known as cadaveric) or livingdonor transplantation depending on the source of the recipient organ. Renal transplants are further characterized as genetically related (livingrelated) or non-related (living-unrelated) transplants, depending on whether a biological relationship exists between the donor and recipient. This patient was Living-donor and related with her brother as donor. My purpose was to find out as much about these patients and pastoral care to this type patient in this rotation as I could. In regards to background information; my experiences take noted that African American kidney transplant recipients generally exhibit poor long-term graft survival compared with other ethnic groups. I have a relative who I personally cared for who is a dialysis patient.
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Situation and First Impressions: Visit One. The patient was sitting in the bed upright, with her head lowered but eyes looking upward at me. The whites of her eyes were darkned from blood and discoloration that was clearing and her skin was ruddy. The smell of her room was that of someone who was very ill. Her first noises were sounds from her trache, breathing and clearing. She seemed very weak and looked as though she was in very weak. She was in a physically disarrayed state; with personal care items on her tray in front of her that symbolized to me she was in some ways trying to be “busy� taking care of herself. Her mother was laying on a bed near the window and immediately became vigil as I came into the room. She took careful note of who I was and what I was saying to her daughter. Visit Two: Both parents were there and they talked a lot after I began talking with T. I felt as though they thought I was their back up and that I would agree with them. I did not. Visit Three, the patient is sitting in a wheel chair, fully clothed, head covered with a scarf and her bed beside her was fully made with her throw that she had over her on prior visits layed neatly across the bed. She was on 9th Floor Rehabilitation Unit.
The sun was streaming
through her window and she greeted me with a bright smile and bright eyes.
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Verbatim Account Visit One: Patient – P
C1:
Chaplain – C
“Hi T I am Richard a chaplain here a SNGH, if now is a good time to visit I would like to do so.” [I immediatley noticed someone stirring in the bed over by the window, there is also a delay because the patient is unable to speak, but I could tell she was excited, because she was reaching for something and making gurgiling noises.
P1:
[before she can speak to me I notice she has to [plug her trache hole, which she does somewhat clumsily] <pleasantly> “Sure...come on in.”
C2:
“Thank you, first, let me ask how are you?”
P2:
“I...fine and I am doing well” [slow but with articulation] “I have been here and I am doing excellent.” <I feel as though her responses are trained but sincere.>
The patient goes on and on about how well she is doing and feeling she gets to what for me is the most amazing part of her situation.
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P3:
“I came for a kidney transplant and I had it on November 17th. [She looks away and down and does not make much eye contact] I had several possible donors who never worked out and finally my brother goes and gives me his kidney. He would do anything in the world for me. I get my kidney and then I don’t wake up until December, [T is now visibly shaken and upset. Crying.] I miss Thanksgiving, I miss my home , my job, my dog, my mother and father…I don’t want to miss Christmas, I want to be home. [I listen, I am careful, feeling helpless and she gets more upset.] I have gone through all of this because I didn’t go to church.”
C4:
(I now have some difficulty with her last statement after honoring so much of what she was saying.) “Who told you that you are sick because you don’t go to church?”
P4:
She looks at me with eyes filled with shame and says softly “ I don’t know.”
C5:
“Would you walk into the room of a friend who had gone through what you have gone through and tell them, that all of this is because you did not go to church?” ( I felt like I was scolding her or parent-like)
[She says nothing]
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C6:
(I try to take a soft loving tone, I had committed too fast and emotionally to stop.) “No you wouldn’t, so why should you judge yourself so harshly? God loves you and I don’t think he punishes you by putting you into a coma for not going to church.”
C7:
“I can tell this is all extremely painful”
P7:
“Yes it is and I am tired …[sobbing] and I want to go home.”
(I am now trying to decide what is appropraiate for questioning at this moment, it was evident that she would not be going home in the near future.)
C8:
Tell me about your life before you came to the hospital for your transplant.
P8:
<Now smiling>”I was independent, I work as a nurse and do home visits with patients who are on dialysis. I would help them with their occupational health. I would show them that a person on dialysis could still be very active, work and have a wonderful life.”
C9:
“I take it you mean you were also on dialysis?”
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P9:
“Yes…I was on dialysis, three days a week and I worked and took care of my do. I have my own home and I am a nurse.” (things were beginning to make more sense to me as she spoke about her independence. I thought about how she would have a better quality of life, now that she was not on dialysis.)
C10:
“How is the kidney functioning?”
She went on to tell me how the kidney was grafting and how well it was doing. She was very emotional so after listening to her story of her brother donating and more about her job, I concluded my vist. I had in mind that I would follow-up, soon. I did follow-up two days later. This time both of her parents came in after about five minutes of speaking with her. They came in and her demeanor changed from pleasant to visibly upset and shaken.
This time her Dad was present and he
explained to her how her life would be better and that she has given up the time spent in a coma, for a lifetime of improvement. I was somewhat upset that the father was trying to make her feel better, but I did not interfere. I felt like saying something and thought it better to not. I went to follow-up before the Christmas break and could not find the patient in the computer; I guessed that her wish had come true and that she was discharged for Christmas.
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Visit Three: (As I enter the patients room on 9 (Rehabilitation Unit), she lights up with a warm and bright smile)
C1:
“Well don’t’ you look wonderful”
P1:
And I feel wonderful [her speech is normal]
C2:
“I take it you went home for Christmas.”
P2:
No, I have been right here. I was on the HER unit recovering and I have been in Rehab for the past week.
C:3
“How have you been?”
P3:
I have been wonderful I am ready to leave on Friday and get back to my home, my job and my dog Buffy.
C4:
“When will youl be returning to work?”
P4:
“I want to go back February 1st. My co-worker needs a break.
C5:
“She does!” 123
P5:
“Yes, and I want to be fair. (She is so confident and happy that I don’t want to say the wrong thing) I have been away and I miss my patients and want to show them that they can continue in life no matter how hard it gets.”
C6:
“You will take time for yourself, won’t you?
P6:
“Yes I will.”
C7:
“Do you mind if I revisit something you said to me on a earlier visit?”
P7:
No, go ahead.
C8:
“Do you remember telling me how angry you were about being here and missing so many days of your life? Tell me now what you remember and what you are feeling.” <I am thinking I am pushing too far>
P8:
“I remember. <pleaseantly> I was angry because I felt like my life was being taken from me and I would never be the same. My father was right I will have the rest of my life and freedom from dialysis will be wonderful. I was mad because I had no control. I
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could hear people talking and musci and televsion but couldn’t respond. I even heard someone say, I don’t want to remember her like this. My mother and father have been with me everyday, drove from Elizabeth City and tody is the first day they are not here since I came. They love me and I feel guilty that I can not repay them..”. [voice trails off]
C9:
“I don’t want to tell you what to do, but can you embrace their love as unconditional and that you are the repayment?”
P9:
Yes, I can [slight smile]
C10:
“How does Buffy repay you?” (I knew Buffy was her dog and that she loved Buffy, she even went shopping for clothes for Buffy, so I felt free to use her pet as an anology)
P10:
<Big Smile> [shrugs her shoulders]
C11:
“Buffy, wags her tail, jumps up and down and even pees on the floor from excitement.”[smmiling and laughing, she nods in agreement]
P11:
“Your right, I will do just that I know they love me. (She pauses and does not say anthing else…) 125
C12:
“Do you mind if I ask you another question?” [she nods] “Are you still blaming not going to church as a reason for your illness?”
P12:
I have thought about that and I have come to a spiritual awakening and I am going to go to church and have begun a relationship with God. I was hard on myself and I have been thinking about that. I am going to talk to a pastor and find out what to do abou that.
Her discharge planner had entered the room to discuss medications and the ordering of them for her to take with her and I had been there for some time and was ready to go. We parted with a compliments and prayer.
Gracious Father I thank you for guiding my sister through the valleys of the past month and up to the mountain where she now looks down and wonders how she made it over. I thank you for recovery and ask that your healing virtue be upon her, bless her family for their sacrifice and loving parents who unconditionally love and adore her. Thank you for allowing me into her life through this ministry, I pray for deliverance and healing that come swiftly, help her now…give peace and grace to her, now. Amen.
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Analysis of Pastoral Care This work with my patient in 4RP a Kidney Transplant Patient was my introduction to this new unit. My contact with her incorporated so much of what I had learned in my prior units. This experience with the patient was enlightening and challenging.
I believe that my
discussion with her was to me (personally) a sign of growth and development. I am able to not only think about the visit but I am able to find comparable research that helps me to understand more fully what I faced and how I felt during the initial visit and follow-up visits. I found a book in the library that I believe addressed the areas of this work that were difficult for me. My theology is informed and my indignation that arose ever so quickly without me dwelling upon it, informs me that the patient must come in contact with person who can also guide her through the theological maze and ethics of church society and forgiveness. I would stress the term reconciliation of self and health condition or mind and body. She raised the issue of my own health and what would happen if I needed to take a long time for recovery. Reconciliation is the restoration of trust in a relationship in which trust has been violated, sometimes repeatedly.xl This patient must find through help or self examination ways to forgive herself and not blame herself religiously for her poor health. Her trust can be restored in many ways and I suggested that she find ways to do so. She may do so through conversations and counseling gaining spiritual knowledge and insight from persons who operate within a non-judgmental environment.
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Her needs evidently are many. The question is will she meet her goals or not. This will be her greatest frustration if she does not, but she seems to be ready to adapt and may or may not meet her goals for rehab Her social location I believe is one that stresses work and responsibility to prove that she is worthy of being part of the human race. She is single and has her parents who live up the road from her. Her brother is close so close indeed that he donates his kidney. He loves his sister and would do anything for her. They have a very close knit family that seems to exhibit true love. Psychologically her location crosses over to her work ethic and that I believe has something to do with her inability to not think about returning to work in the very near future. She has suffered a great trauma with the coma and I don’t think she knows just how much it will take to return to anything that resembles a normal life. Her family (mother and father) seemed to try to protect her from her thoughts which were true but probably too much for them, i.e. “I am mad and won’t be able to do anything for myself.” They responded “yes you will...” I wanted to say to them it is important that she feel what it is, she feels right now. I believe that her family has been affected and negativity on her part, they were thinking might affect the graft. I think that she has the determination to accomplish simple tasks of everyday life, but I have my reservations about the more complicated one such as going to work. Maybe her refusal to see the big picture is helpful in her recovery. Her response to some of my questions may be a more accurate picture of the reaction to the frustrations she may feel in the future. What I have gained knowledge wise has helped me understand what she is going 128
through and the lack of it has me to “scold” her for her own judgments upon herself. My other concerns for this patient are raised in Kara Swanson’s book, I’ll Carry the Fork.xli She mentions that some issues she will face are therapy schedules and physical limitations. She has to consider the experience of the therapist, loss of income, inability to organize thoughts, recovery stages (denial, anger, adjustment and acceptance), safety issues (falls and anger), family involvement and hindrances, legal issues, insurance coverage and expenses along with mental, psychological challenges such as fatigue. I reported this case because of the quick rush of emotion and the deep interest to understand what patients face with grafting of organ donation and the disappointments that lie on the periphery. During this pastoral seminar I would like feedback on my own reactions in C4 visit 1 and my final visit to revisit some of the earlier discussion from previous visits. I did collaborate initially with the nurse and spoke with the doctor transplant doctor and the transplant specialist who would care for her after her discharge, however not to the extent that I could have and gathered more information. This case allowed me to revisit three areas in which I studied. They were Dr. Murray Bowen’s Theory for family therapy, McGoldrick’s Genogram Assessment and Intervention and Pastor and Patient’s Pastoral Care in the ICU. Dr. Murray Bowen’s Theory and clinical application of Fusion and Differentiation in relation to this family was as follows. Fusion is 129
defined as part of the Nuclear Family Emotional System described as the family functions as a unitary whole, governed by individuality and togetherness: counterbalancing life forces. This patient and family are experiencing anxiety in the family system and there is heightened reactivity with an increase in togetherness known by Bowen as Fusion. The fusion is played out harmoniously and is referred as pressured togetherness. The parents in my interview with them found it difficult to express feelings and were unable to control outbursts by the patient. There described their experience with their daughter in critical times as “she was losing it.” I found that the patient was merely expressing the heightened frustrations that follow a patient in her condition recognizing that her life has changed in a major way. These experiences between this individual patient and her family (the group) reflected the differences in levels of development of her true self and her family. The patient had a high level of “self” because she not only impacted her parents but was able to tell me about her younger sister who has become more responsible during her illness. That meant she was not only living with the parents but began to “pull her own weight.” Prior to this Acute Renal Failure, she was self described as “spoiled” and the parents took care of the patient’s sister and her children. This patient also showed signs of low development of self by her activities of allowing the parents to control, actively or passively some aspects of her life. The relationships in this family may be determined by the heightened anxiety that occurred during this illness. This is also played out in their responsibility for others besides self and the assumption that this is true is a boundary problem.
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I believe although I had had success in providing pastoral care by bringing the patient into the realization that she is capable of managing her spiritual self-described inadequacies, introducing basic theological ideas and concepts to understand the redemptive process of suffering and healing from physical also bring healing in the spiritual. I have assumed the role here of chaplain and also the role that had been projected upon me by the family a more definitive role of pastor to the patient in absence of her own spiritual development and new awakening here at hospital. Here I believe I can talk about D.W. Winnicottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;good enough and assume the role of one of the transitional objects in this transitional space for her to respond to good enough pastoral care. The patient has moved between psychic and external realities which included her struggles of acute renal failure and convalescing in the hospital and her desire to leave and get back to work.
Continued Growth I was able to access various tools to allow myself to take advantage of pastoral care for myself. I have attended regularly and find the experience to be both enriching and a catharsis for healing of the self. These experiences partnered with CPE supervision were able to allow me to see the benefit of therapy for the therapist. I was somewhat resistant to the notion of needing that level of care but after deliberating with myself and understanding that this may be good for me. The work for me is to go in each time with definitive thoughts for discussion and after one session that point of personal calcification quickly dissolved and the notion that there is something I can not talk about with the counselor. 131
Places that once were places of discomfort have now become places of mentorship and wise counsel. The conversation with T. (Enneagram Type 4) and the contact with critically ill and brain trauma patients has allowed me to recognize that delay by the patient is not a symbol of poor work. This delay may lead into a deeper conversation and greater connection with the patient. My personal growth and development will be to find ways to connect with my own desires and articulate them in a way where I can move from the perpetual student mode into a â&#x20AC;&#x153;doer.â&#x20AC;? Realize the influence and clout that comes with CPE experience, going back into the community that I have taken hiatus from because of the lack of self care and self knowledge. One of the Learning Concepts I am integrating into my learning process is the Enneagram Training. The purpose of the enneagram is to help me find out more about my own personality. We have had several trainings and a retreat for this purpose. I have found that the more I know about myself, I am able to help others without the confusing transference I do, mostly inwardly. I am so conscience of it, that I know enough not to transfer outwardly, but confuse and torture my self with thoughts of who I am and should have been in any given situation. It has helped me to alleviate much of the suffering I experience in my own thoughts and delays with processing information. It allows me to be truly happy with myself and my own actions. I am not as aggravated by issues brought on by others whereby I feel responsible for their success or failure. I found ways to link myself without plans of extrication. I would be stuck with others ideas, projects and careers, disappointed that I had not attended to my own. 132
It has helped me to seek ways to explore those problems and one way has been to allow myself to seek the help of a professional counselor. I am impressed that I have finally stopped ignoring my own psychological health and sought counseling. I always felt that supervision bordered counseling, but never able to trust my supervisor enough to express my deeper thoughts.
Several of the papers I have written,
personal histories, verbatims, self-hood, social location and others have helped me to explore and engage myself in a dialogue about me in relation to good ministry. The enneagram allows me to have a healthy discourse with techniques and energies I can access to gain the health that I desire. My relationships professionally and personally have more meaning because I am more apt to speak freely concerning my thoughts and feelings than on prior occasions. I am no longer pre-occupied with my own conflicts and conflicting self disseminated information but I find ways to express myself in group and one-on-one conversations. I have spent time trying to understand the relationship with each enneagram type that has been brought before us. I am grateful for the strong types in our IPR group for example. They are pretty much who they are going to be and getting them to change for my benefit is not going to happen. That I believe is part of my problem is that I had been looking for people to change. Each person that has come before the group has allowed me to see how I interact and react to each type. I am consciously trying to work with the information presented. I now look at most people through the lens of the enneagram. T. who came as a four on the enneagram was the ah-ha moment. She allowed me to see some whyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s of my behaviors. First I have more 133
compassion for the four type then all others. They are also my most difficult in the past to deal with and understand. By T being a four and her counselor who I know personally being a four, I am now able to see where depth in conversation means so much to me. I have had a desire to go deeper into myself and others not knowing how to get there. When she turned toward me and asked me was I following her, I had been following her and myself. She did not have the answers, but I feel as though she was the key or the Rosetta’s Stone. I see her as hurt and betrayed knowing that I had been where she had been, but she made me realize that I had to live above the betrayals and more importantly others thoughts about me. When we finished and even in the middle of the presentation, I could feel that others were watching me and feeling as though there was something wrong with me and T. That somehow I can see me in her and in all others who are like her. She had a sadness about her, which did not need my sympathy, but engaging is what I desire to be at that moment. I wanted to engage her sadness, because many times that is how I feel on the inside. I want to attend to myself but always got lost in attending to others. That is where (others) I could do my best compassionate work and find satisfaction in doing so. I was however leaving myself sad and disappointed, betraying me for the excitement of helping others. Her mood and state of mind is where I desire to spend time but can’t do it, because I must be happy as the “Bible” says. CPE, ennegram and self work has allowed me to see that I was driven by the “Bible” of others and their demands not taking time to see the hurt I was doing to myself. I remember asking her how did she recover and I was really asking myself how will I recover? By her focusing on my finer points of 134
the discussion and sensing that others thought I was lost in my questioning gave me a sense of empowerment. Helen Palmer says that fours have a history of literal abandonment and the need to grieve early loss; however feelings of abandonment are (get this) recreated in adult life by compulsive attraction to the unavailable and the habit of rejecting whatever is easy to obtain, i.e. trust, love and trust. By trusting her it opened for me a moment of awakening of my authentic self. Early I wrote about a father who was absent, I mourn that loss especially since he is alive and still does not seek me out. If I seek him I am only disappointed further. Inwardly I may be at times depressed and find it easy to help others who appear depressed. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for my appointment reading a pamphlet on depression. I began to cry while reading it. I never told my doctor but it is in working with the four I found ways to go deep with myself. Here finally is my quest to help me, facilitate and find love for me. It is present, nearby and available. What else could I be searching for?
The Helen Palmer enneagram helps me to understand: □ Accepting early losses as real and setting them aside. □ Complete projects □ Seeing how feelings of victimization are perpetuated by rejecting what is easy to obtain. □ Accepting sadness rather than trying to make happiness happen. I now call it letting it ferment or hang out there. □ Honoring the ability to empathize with others pain but learning to detach attention at will. 135
â&#x2013;Ą Asking for advice and rejecting it at the same time.
136
UNIT IV Learning Covenant Work with the Palliative Care Team as an integral part of that team helping patients clearly understand the role of chaplain in their care and end-of-life issues. That has been achieved through the close contact and work with the Palliative Care Team. Part of my journey was to discover the impact that oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own story and familiar history. To recognize sicknesses and death experiences along with their own culture, and how personal attitudes play in the acceptance of death. I saw how and why provisions are made for their end of life issues.
Each family conference has
represented different understanding of the end of life and the role they play and the role that God plays. They (families) look for the social workers, nurses, chaplain and doctors to help them to decide on the next step when in reality death is the next step. I have been able to observe my own personal idiosyncrasies of death and dying to see how closely I identify to the family and staff when trying to understand and/ or explain what is happening to the patient. This has worked well for my own formation and development of my personal involvement and professional practice in palliative care As I discuss and think inwardly about the practice of Palliative Care and what has influenced me during this term it has been that I am beginning to see and feel that the pain of separation is intense and overwhelming for the families. I quickly moved to resources and books and in the book The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting 137
Love by Thomas Attig it brings forth several points that I have tried to take notice of three primary points in my practice and development: First, the energy invested in life whether work of play between family members is enormous. They have spent years together and the years have produced relationship that may or may not be understood by me. I have observed that families at the moment of the conference of end of life issues is trying to decide how much further or what other memories may come forth during this period. It is their strong desire to hang on when doctors are indicating that there is no need to. The family representative would say that the patient would not want to lay her if it were their decision and at the same time they say that the patient would say â&#x20AC;&#x153;keep fighting.â&#x20AC;? Second, the interaction between them is more than mere stories. Many times what they are talking about is coded and the deeper questioning may unlock some of the mystery of their relationship. Insight if it is gained by the (me) chaplain the family must allow the decoding and by my listening helps to piece together those stories. I understand that they already know what they are talking about and lived the story when they begin to reminisce about what has happened in the past. The terminal stage of life they have reached reminds them of the richness of life they have experienced together. Families laugh and cry at the same time. Sharing stories of joy and sorrow as if that moment they were sixes on the enneagram, wanting the security of staff, chaplains, nurses, doctors and at the same time trusting them to do what is right and feeling that no one can be trusted to bring the patient back to wholeness. 138
Third, I was able to observe how helpless the families and sometimes the patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s must feel. I observe the deep agony and pain and I do wonder if this is the first significant loss. One of the conferences looked like this: the patient was thirty-seven, the husband thirty-five, the oldest child twenty all trying to say that she is too young to die. They all seemed hardened by the moment not able to reveal their true feelings not willing to be transparent. They all knew that the patient had done some terrible things to her body and was now failing health wise. Or as I had assumed that is this a compounding of grief that was recently experienced, perhaps in the past twelve months?
Spend more time reporting and examining my work across cultural and racial lines.
To work with the Muslim
community developing a line of pastoral care.
More effective care of ITA patients and being present with those patients.
Spend more time methodically ministering to families and speaking with the dying patients in GICU II. This became very awkward at times, the GICU is an open area with families coming and going all the time. Families were hard to track and follow because at times the stays were both intense and short. Rounds with the doctors were valuable because I was able to gain a lot deeper insight into the amount and level of care that the patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s were 139
receiving. It also was time consuming and took away from care and speaking with families that were sometimes present at the time of rounds. It was many times impossible to keep track of families for staff and which way they wandered into the area because of the new concept of openness. Other duties and spending time on other units also made for a difficult continuous plan of action to deal with families. Unlike Cardiac rotation GICU is best I can describe, disjointed. I also had trouble communicating with the staff chaplain assigned, and that was because of the lack of information that could be gained at times to clearly express to him the progress made with the patient from the perspective of chaplaincy. Also the division of visiting side I and II made it difficult at times. At times I felt like other chaplains assigned to other areas knew more than I did especially if I had spent most of the day in another area and they were able to speak with families in the waiting area of GICU. I have tried to seek opportunities to become familiar with and apply relevant theories and methodologies to CPE ministry along with trying to formulate and apply my philosophy and methodology to CPE learning. In trying to articulate an understanding of the pastoral role that is congruent with my personal values, basic assumptions and personhood. I began looking again at Anton Boisen and Seward Hiltner from the perspective of the book Turning Points in Pastoral Care The Legacy of Anton Boisen and Seward Hiltner. I wanted to spend time in reflecting on the ministry of pastoral care. The foundation I find interesting begins with Anton Boisenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s struggle with his own mental health.
The
relationship of this book and acute mental disturbances of the functional 140
type describes for me the condition of many patients in the hospital setting. The markings he speaks of including anxiety and the patient’s desire to problem solve around the more enduring values of their lives. Their disturbances precipitated by immediate situations sometimes related to their sicknesses or not. The patient in their down time or time here allows them to look closely at the deeper meaning of life and their isolation gives them the ability to think and respond to our questions. It could be the mental illness of the patient or physical illness of the patient that makes the time here, at the hospital productive and profound experiences. That is not to the exclusion of the religious experience. The sickness “becomes the means of healing.” The brokenness of their lives sometimes leads to healing and sometimes to death. I reflect on grand rounds that impacted me and in my personal shaking I am made whole. I look at of a patient presented one day in good spirits who dies the next day. Her death as H. Beecher Hicks statement in his book My Soul has been Anchored can be described as a Godcident. He says “they come to shake us but not destroy us. Shape and mold us but not making us quit.” The sick room not only for the patient but as Boisen expressed gives us meaning and beliefs, function of beliefs, general system of values and religion in crisis and custom. As “physicians of the soul” we watch the” living human documents” we claim a place for our calling. This made me look at Gattung and The Divine Confrontation, The Introductory Word That Prepares The Way, The Commission, The Objection, The Reassurance And The Sign. CPE and the ITA has given me the room for objections but movement throughout the hospital has reassured me for this time and moment that the call is authentic. It is 141
looking into the deeper pain of individuals whether they are chaplains, staff or patients. I have sat before chaplains who have “balled” and I to have balled my eyes out over the condition of patients and staff alike that I have discovered my own pain and how to deal with it. The call as summons is a compelling experience, as a coercive invitation practically impossible to refuse. Included in the theory by R.H. Davis is the specific commission when calling is interrupted by the call of humanity to fulfill our social role as chaplain, parent, and teacher in the minds of others. It could be Boisen’s harmony with the social world, keeping everyone happy which can be a cause of anxiety or my own debate mentally with the holy, requiring me to identify with the desire of myself and others to live whole lives. My time this unit has been with the opportunity to work with “people who are too sick for the pastors and those whose medicine no longer knows how to cure” (Boisen). CPE has taught me to descend to the darkest abyss or to the birthing room whereby the patient seeks to be reborn with the help of the spiritual midwife (chaplain). I represent here in this setting the difficult birth in which the cord may be wrapped around the neck of the baby, whereby with delicate precision and inquiry the baby is freed and the birth can continue. The birthing being finding meaning, and letting Boisen’s theory translate to all areas of hurt, brokenness and the desire to be made whole. During this unit one of my personal goals has been to be able to gain a deeper appreciation for the relationship between family and the patient during terminal illness. In gaining that appreciation I have sought ways to hold more meaningful discussions and lines of questioning that 142
make the time spent with the family and/or patient more meaningful to me and them. In my theological response I have spent the unit looking deeper into my soul which has allowed me to use the thoughts to deepen my sermon material on Sundays. The following is an excerpt from What About the Other Woman? â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The text (I Kings 3).on this Motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day expresses the pain some of our sisters feel on an everyday level. Here are two women, both prostitutes, both with babies, sharing proximity where they live so close that they can observe the other sleeping. They both work in such a manner that someone else benefits from their misery. They exhibit the desperation of a woman who has lost a child, one of the babies dies. Their struggle is to deal with one another on the level upon which they live. The text shows us that there is peace in the madness, there has to be compassion and the desire to lay the burdens down. So, what about this other woman? These two women represent the best and the worst in our community and society. Mothers yet they are also prostitutes. Prostitutes or women of the street that are different than other women. They are looked down upon yet they serve a purpose for men who needy, beyond normal relationships. But they to have children or in this case each had a newborn baby. They both spent time nine months gestation...â&#x20AC;? My theology has been impacted in a way I believe in that most of the cases I have contact with raise the existential side of my theology. They lean toward the belief that human reality is defined in terms of personal development directly connected to the pressures and experiences that may determine who they are in relationship to God. Their strengths and weaknesses are exposed by each encounter of joy and pain that run parallel to each other at times. 143
During this unit the student taught didactic allowed me to explore more deeply my own discomfort I experienced when trying to give care to patients and families in the hospital setting. It is especially hard to care for persons in the ED area who are aggressive and belligerent to staff, especially chaplaincy. I believe that I am capable of looking beyond any frustrations and derogatory comments made by family of patients and give good pastoral care. The stressful times I experienced were brought on by events such as traumatic deaths, serious injuries, and life threatening situations. People who respond to emergencies encounter highly stressful events almost every day. Sometimes an event is so traumatic or overwhelming that personnel may experience significant stress reactions. There are emotional, behavioral, cognitive and physiological reactions that might occur because of critical incidents. These indicators, signs and symptoms are not only felt by the patient and family but the chaplain and staff as well. I was placed in a position that I had to respond, dealing with my own anxiety and give good care at the same time.
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Unit V Learning Covenant Learning goals-After much internal thought and development which translates into â&#x20AC;&#x153;good enoughâ&#x20AC;? outward pastoral care and ministry, I have shifted to now try to finish my Level II outcomes and course work. As I moved into my fifth unit of CPE I thought of ways to address my level II outcomes directly. By doing so I would now integrate my learning and etymology to describe all of the developments and amalgamation of work over the past year. I have catalogued my feelings and emotional thrusts throughout the year into a book. I felt as though by being able to explain my work in clinical terms along with what was pointed out to me early as my own verbiage I would be fine. The curriculum for CPE Level II addresses the development and integration of pastoral formation, pastoral competence and pastoral reflection to a level of competence that permits students to attain professional certification and/or admission to Supervisory CPE. To afford students opportunities to become familiar with and apply relevant theories and methodologies to their ministry specialty.
To provide students opportunities to formulate and apply their philosophy and methodology for the ministry specialty. 145
Through didactic seminars and conferences I have become familiar with several theories and methods of pastoral care. Learning this unit has been structured to incorporate the psychological theories of Jung and Freud to begin to examine the subconscious and conscious thoughts of individual patients. To find value in the patient’s thoughts and images described through conversation, expression of thoughts, visions, dreams and non-verbal communication. I have spent time trying through these theories to grasp and understand through the patient’s verbal, physical and non-verbal communication. It is important to find out what is central to the patient at the time of the pastoral visit. If the patient is more interested in life outside of the hospital room this can be determined in the first lines and sources of communication by the patient. By examining visually the first impressions, words of the patient, and listening closely I have tried to hear and see what the patient is trying to communicate. First thoughts and questions are “is the patient prepared and desirous of the pastoral visit?” Once this is established a deeper more meaningful structure for communication has begun. The applications of Freud and Jung have helped in the development of my perceptive ear. There were times when I would feel as though intuition was a gift to help me do good work. The good work comes when proven methods are applied along with my innate abilities. A patient who was complaining that she was not allowed to move from her room complained that she felt like prisoner. She became non-compliant and very difficult for the nursing staff to handle. Ms. C. was on bed rest and was having complications with her pregnancy. The staff was concerned about her harming herself. After discussion and plowing through her 146
anger she was worried about her grandfather. She called him, there was no answer and she did not know what happened to him. I believed that her concerns were legitimate and that she was not just trying to be a poor patient. I found out that her grandfather had come into the Emergency Department and was actually on the floor above her. What came out was not her anger but the underlying cause for it. She was able to visit and calmed to the point she had a healthy delivering in spite of her grandfatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s condition growing grave and he died a week later. The images and unspoken now have become important for me in approaching my pastoral care plan for patients.
Clinical Example: The paper on doors to Ministry in Pastoral Conversation by Chaplain A. Keith Ethridge brings the theory of the pastoral visit. In the pastoral visit in the hospital setting it is the condition of the patient that will determine the quality of the visit. My background in theology and the compassionate ministry of the Christian minister allows me to boldly state that I have been â&#x20AC;&#x153;calledâ&#x20AC;? the ministry of sitting in the presence of infirmed persons trying to find a way to bring comfort and care. The enchantment of the door to ministry is many times the patient desires to be seen and heard. It is the quick recognition of that desire that plunges us almost instantly into their world of either joy and/or pain. My aspiration as the chaplain is to recognize and appropriately respond to the doors to ministry. Early in CPE I discovered that I had needs that were closely related to wanting to give good care as well as presupposing that the 147
patient wanted good pastoral care. My needs were immeasurable to relation to those of the patient. I wanted to prove early that I was a good minister and that this setting was a simplified version of the complicated care I had given to individuals in my past ministerial experiences. These assumptions were based in my own superciliousness and theories of ministry. This was proven to me early by my own emotional transferences and fears which came forth after several pastoral visits. I was blind to deep meaning and doors to ministry. The goal of trying to make the patient feel better was not a realistic goal after all. It was the gentleman who by a brief verbatim below show how first impressions maybe enough for a good pastoral visit. There were also patients whom I assumed did not like religious people, black people or just people in general helped me to understand early how insignificant I may have been to some patients. C1:
Hello Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Richard Meadows one of the Chaplains. I have come to see how you are doing today?
P1:
You may leave. I did not ask to see a chaplain
C2:
OK, I will check on you later (assuming that this was not
a good time) P2:
That wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be necessary, thank you. (His eyes watch to
make sure I left his room)
I have tried to learn to be emotionally available, unguarded when necessary and non judgmental. What is important to me is to overcome the identification crisis in relation to 148
the patient and to call into question the sense of who I am. From Ethridge’s work I have carried away the ability to: •
be self-reflective
•
look at unresolved issues from my past
•
look at my own personal development and family of origin
•
Integrate theological knowledge and others view others as images of God My personal methodology has been developed through the
reflective learning process. I have been able to give pastoral care, discuss and reflect to consider alternative ways of doing the same work more effectively. One of the important didactics and progression of my own methodology for care of the patient has been spiritual assessment of the patient. By exercising the ability to assess the patient’s physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological well-being is important to designing a plan of care. The information to be obtained for a religious history report and personal / family of origin history information are resources I have used to examine and assess the needs of a patient. Within those I find specifics such as: •
Religious affiliation, information about their beliefs and practices
•
The importance of the religious community it has to the patient
•
Types of support that maybe available
•
Specific practices and medical limitations, i.e. receiving blood products
149
To articulate an understanding of the pastoral role that is congruent with their personal values, basic assumptions and personhood. My personal values and pastoral theology I try to make as congruent as possible. I realize that one set of values and assumptions make discussion and care easier. In the hospital setting where I do not personally agree with the role of the chaplain versus the role of the minister I allow the institutional setting to have preeminence. I have struggled with information given by the patient and its relevance to the medical care team. Is everything shared by the patient intended by the patient to be shared with nursing or doctors? I was asked by one of the residents if information given by the patient was or should be considered valuable to the medical team. I answered her in a way that would have allowed her to make a decision based upon her own judgment but my view was that the information was bordering the realm of confidential. The twenty year history of a patient and whether this was life or death and maybe Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m exaggerating was not felt by me. I have been in similar situations and felt as though the discussion with the patient was important for the relationship and well being of the patient and any discussion should be held first with the patient and then with the health care team. I would have asked the patient was the information given as important to them and why I felt it should be shared. I believe this is in step with my personhood, basic assumptions and personal values. Maybe by belonging to a community that has had a basic mistrust of authority has clouded my thoughts but at the same time the confidential relationship without the pressure of institutional regulation is just as important. 150
The personhood of love and the basic assumption that all patients should be cared for and respected somehow has a skew when viewed through the corporate or institutional lens. Not that I am saying that the hospital would compromise the quality of care but my own thoughts and feelings have to be personally accounted for. That is to say that I must tailor my care to meet both and patient and institutional needs which I believe a merged in the mission of excellent care to the patient. This speaks to my ability to have personal assumptions, thoughts and differentiate between, conform to a higher standard of care and remain a chaplain.
To provide pastoral ministry to diverse people, taking into consideration multiple elements of cultural and ethnic differences, social conditions, systems, and justice issues without imposing their own perspectives. My Pastoral role and ministry to diverse populations has been demonstrated in many ways with patients other than African Americans. One of the patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s I had difficulty in this unit caring for was an African American male prisoner. The visit of this patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s son involved staff, family and correctional officers from outside of the hospital. The patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s son was incarcerated and she was a patient in the General Intensive Care Unit. He was brought into visit his mother because she was to be extubated, which means there was a possibility she would expire at that time. Is not to just the son, but to the staff and family as well that I would minister to. I am in touch with my feelings but they shift from 151
staff, to patient and to the son. My role is to keep order; the presence of the chaplain I took it from my initial conversation was to not let this get out of hand. I don’t know of any examples of what might have happened in the past, but there was something different for the staff. My role also I thought would be best performed if I could make this son feel human. I could make sure that he kept his dignity at all times. He was a prisoner, but he was also the son of the patient. My major concern as an African American male chaplain is that the patient’s son would receive care from me, irregardless to what the correction officer’s thought. The son was on the hospital grounds and for the sake of visitors, staff and families he would not be treated like a prisoner, here at Norfolk General Hospital. My thoughts and activities were to serve all concerned, that the situation would not get out of hand, that I would demand fair treatment for the family as they tried to visit their incarcerated brother and very ill mother. The family was very nice family, socially and economically a endearing family. They belonged to the holiness church that the patient served as a minister in. They were evidently Christian and well mannered. They were4 not angry or bitter, only concerned about their brother and son. I gave pastoral care to all. The portion of the care I felt was the most emotional and hardest for me to deal with was the prayer. I believe that asking the son to pray was the right thing to do. I felt as though even in his condition of being bound, that the compassion and love or God would be reflected in his prayer. I thought about Paul and his chains he spoke of in the writings of the Epistles in the Bible, in relation to the son. He is bound and “infirmed” yet displays his heavenly authority to pray for his own 152
mother. I felt as though to share the moment would honor the mother and the son. Theologically here was a display of compassion but after further reflection, I saw the portion of the text which refers to the last words of Jesus as he hangs on the cross, says to the disciple, “Mother behold thy son, son behold thy mother.” His mother who was semiconscious, slightly responsive, moves at the sound of his voice. After the prayer she is moving excitedly, lifting her hands toward heaven and the family takes this as a sign that she is happy and praising God. I had mixed feelings but smiled as the family spoke of their mother. Beyond medical conditions they had a notion that she was still praising God. The son in the midst of his prayer he prays for his guards. He prays a very traditional prayer even asking God to heal his mother. He mentions the words: “Lord, I asked you to send to me CO’s who Godly were and you did just that. I thank you Lord.” He prays for his “captors” and the “captors” begin to cry. As I turned to see the guards and why they were sniffling, I discover they are crying. They evidently felt great compassion for the son. I was impressed, with their professionalism. I believe I was slow to include them in the conversations earlier, but now understood how important the guards were to the days events. They to would now need ministering to. I spoke kindly and gently thanking them for their care for the son. My perceptions which were many to begin the case waned as time progressed to give room for pastoral care to staff, patient, family and officers.
153
To demonstrate a range of pastoral skills, including listening/attending, empathic reflection, conflict resolution/confrontation, crisis management, and appropriate use of religious/spiritual resources. The Emergency Department and the Burn Trauma Unit are two units that require more listening/attending, etc. The situations in the department almost always because of the extremely heightened levels of stress versus the patient, family and staff on some other floors have a potential for conflict and crisis. The trauma units (ED and 6RP) make room for pastoral skills of conflict resolution and empathetic reflection daily. Patients such as 689 and 674 who have been here at SNGH since July, have brought into the hospital crisis and confrontation with friends, family, staff and now the recovering battling patients. Both families have mirrored each other in emotional and spiritual activity. One patient was a GSW victim and the other attacked by someone, both with life threatening injuries. Both seemed as though they would not pull through and both through medical care and communities that were prayerful and vigil seemed to have recovered. Both patients will have long rehabilitation and recovery processes. The primary family caregiver for each was their mothers. One mother was very quiet and the other angry and received a lot of attention through the media and personnel here. Over time as each patient moved from critical care to step-down not much changed. The expectation was that when I present I would try to help each family address their concerns and anxieties to make medical staffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s jobs easier. The visitors and family volumes at times I knew were unbearable to staff, but the visitors, and family had to be directed and managed. This was usually accomplished by pastoral authority. Each 154
time both families appreciated pastoral care and that care was usually presented in discussion or hearing their stories over and over and ending theological comfort or prayer. However it was mainly in the empathetic listening of recurring stories that they found comfort. I use the word recurring in a positive manner but they were many times the same. Each time it was to them as if it was the first time told to me. I was introduced to more brothers and sisters (friends) as if they were “actual” for purposes of visitation.
To assess the strengths and needs of those served, grounded in theology and using an understanding of the behavioral sciences. Assessing and the format by which I assess are at times different because at the same time I want to see where persons are going mentally and spiritually. Congruently I try to know what they may believe or think of their relationship with the chaplain is. Abiding in the moment of care involves empathetic listening and seeking a direction. I stood outside of a room of a patient who was transferred from NC, speaking with his daughter. As I peered in the room he was asleep. I knew it was not a good time to become involved with the patient because he was resting. The daughter and I began to talk; I kept agreeing that it was not a good time to go in the room. She seemed surprised that I did not want to go in. However 312.4 allowed me to ask her “Yes, but how are you doing?’ He answer was an emphatic theological “Praise God, I am fine.” I knew she was not because her father had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer the past Friday. With a few more minutes of just “abiding” I found out her husband of thirty-three years had died five months ago. 155
My pastoral care shifted from the patient to the daughter. The daughter began to tell me at the same time that she was fine, but her eyes showed her pain. My theology transitioned from good pastoral care to allowing this patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s relative to discuss her hurt and my theological position was to abide in her pain. My theology was also to encounter her where she was; protecting her father and mother, remembering her own pain and her trying to discover who (I) the stranger was. I became the compassionate stranger, the Samaritan in Jesusâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; story of the wounded traveler. She is the traveler so far from home, beaten and wounded by lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s journey and in the moment I give her lodging and promise to return to see if more is needed.
To manage ministry and administrative function in terms of accountability, productivity, self-direction, and clear, accurate professional communication. I viewed my inter-faith service as an administrative function and management of ministry. The planning and communication process with my supervisor and those that would participate allowed me speak to productivity, self-direction and accurate professional communication. I had difficulty at first arranging my goals for the service and who would come. I had to speak with my supervisor to find out the parameters of inviting outsiders to participate in the service. I realized how much difficulty there could be if the persons were not vouched for or no one knew them prior to coming. The goal was to bring together different persons from different religions to celebrate in a cross-cultural, multifaith service honoring the caregivers in our hospital setting. I contacted persons of Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist and Christian traditions to 156
participate. One of the issues was to find persons who were familiar with SNGH and had a relationship with this department. The initial discussions to invite participants was an enlightening experience, I found the discussions to be interesting. The Imam I contacted to participate, I believe, forgot the date and the fact we held the discussion inviting him to be here. He told me he could come Saturday or Sunday which led me to believe he also did not know who he was talking to. I was disappointed that there was not a Muslim there. .It was disturbing that he did not hold dear the efforts to bring him here, but I concluded that those who wanted to be here were. The inter-faith service as soon as I saw it early in my residency I knew it was something I wanted to do. The invitation process left somethingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s to be desired but overall I was pleased. The response by colleagues to the visitors and the dialogue was impressive. I was pleasantly surprised that there was not much critique.
To demonstrate competent use of self in ministry and administrative function which includes: emotional availability, cultural humility, appropriate self-disclosure, positive use of power and authority, a non-anxious and non-judgmental presence, and clear and responsible boundaries. My case work reflects the progression of this outcome through a new level of pastoral authority and disclosure of self when needed. I have been able to relate properly my own experiences to those of patients. Where I do not have personal experience I do have some pastoral existentialism to provide proper care and direction. In the ED 157
there was a family that had worn the patience of ED staff down and they were one step from calling code silver. I knew after listening to staff that there was some confusion as to what the family needed and what the staff wanted them to do. The patient advocate who is usually very open to families and how far they can proceed with agitating her and staff, said she is done and will call the officer from the front desk. By calling me to the area they must have thought that there was something I could do. I spoke with the family and I could tell there was a mother who was distraught and a daughter and sister of the GSW patient who being overly malicious toward staff and techs. Included with the family members were extended family which were loud and disruptive to the ED waiting room area. They had been asked to leave the hall area of the MTA. I arrived and after much confusion were able to place them in a consultation room. The room at first was locked and the guard was not available to open the room. The registration staff who had run out of patience only looked at me when I asked for the key. I stood patiently talking to the family in front of the registration desk and the staff caught on to me not taking silence as the answer no. After approximately fifteen minutes someone summoned the officer to open the door. The mother of the patient was visibly upset because she did not know the condition of her son. After calming everyone and getting her back to see her son angst was ended. One of the keys was the moment when I told her “I know you are afraid, because I lost my son and I know how important information from the medical staff would be to you.” At that moment she told everyone that was with her “hush and listen to the chaplain, his son was killed by somebody.”
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Pastoral Reflection Establishment of collaboration both within the department and multidisciplinary is required by the chaplaincy department. This is done by consultation and collaboration with other staff. One of the keys to pastoral care is to take into consideration through ancillary notes, charts and conversations what other disciplines are planning and currently doing for the care of the patient. The receiving and sharing of information that is vital to care is required. Confidentiality and the conversations of the patient are important and as a chaplain of the institution we must also be aware of what can and can not be shared. I believe that each individual patient and their care must be considered in the sharing of information. Several questions I ask myself: •
what is the state of mind of the patient?
•
Are they in telling me calling out for help?
•
Am I one of the persons they trust to help them?
•
Are they telling me because they don’t have the courage to tell medical staff?
•
What would the patient gain by me sharing?
•
Am I harming the patient by not sharing?
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Ministry to Angry Patients and Families Psychotherapist John R. Rifkin, Ph.D., views anger in a revolutionary way; he says that it can be used as the natural energy created to heal one’s emotional injuries. In his book The Healing Power of Anger, he explains how to identify (dysfunctional) uses of anger so that one can unbend it and become empowered and self-nurturing. I begin with the verbatim of conversation between myself and the families of the patients involved in a motor vehicle accident, patients vs. automobile. The patients were two girls ages 12 and 11. Both girls’ parents came to the hospital with the younger girls parents arriving first. The family arrives in the reception area of the Emergency Department and I escort them to the family consultation room. This room is nicely furnished with chairs so that families can be away from the waiting room population. It is in this room that families can be given pastoral care and speak with medical personnel.
The encounter that follows is between
me and the 12 year-old girl’s family.
C-Chaplain C:
M-Mother
F-Family Member(s)
“Hi, can I get you to a more comfortable place then here in this cold hallway?
M:
No, I ‘m better if I stand here, I need the air.” (She is crying and I can tell not knowing what to do. She is surrounded by maybe seven persons, all talking and standing in the door. Both doors of the entrance are open and cold air is blowing in. She finally
160
succumbs and allows me to show her to the consult room. Once seated with the father of J I begin to talk with them.) C1:
“My name is Richard and I am going to be taking care of you until the doctors can come in and see you. (I hear sounds of mumbling over on the side) I know you are afraid, and as soon as the doctors are free the will come and speak with you. (More mumbling, even louder) I am going to get some Kleenex; can I also get you or Mr. Hall some water? “
M1:
(Crying) “Yes, thank you...”
F2:
“Can she go in the back?” (Loudly and boldly)
C2:
“I am quite sure...”
F3:
“The lady said she (the patient) was talking and was alright. She was hollering and screaming and we want her (the patient) to know we are here...”
C3:
“I can not tell you if that is the case or not, but I will return to the bay and find out if the...”
F4:
(Now talking to another family member) “F*** him! He don’t know what the F*** he’s talking about.”
C4:
(To the mother of the patient) “I will be back in a moment with
your water.” I go to the area where there is water and return a few moments later. Those were the few moments that I needed to compose myself, before I returned to the room. I had immediately grown angry and frustrated, but am able to act as though she was not being insulting or talking directly to me. It is here that I decide to 161
continue with the care that is expected of the ED chaplain and to do my best to ignore any further insults. As I return to the consult room with the water the same woman who had made the comments and spoke rudely asked: F5:
(The same family member who disrespected me earlier) “Can you show me where the cafeteria is? I’m hungry.”
C5:
“Sure come with me, and you want to take note of which way you are going so you can come back to this area without any problems.”
Analysis of Pastoral Care This verbatim only confirms the discomfort I have experienced when trying to give care to patients and families. It is especially hard to care for persons in the ED area who are aggressive and belligerent to staff, especially chaplaincy. I believe that I am capable of looking beyond any frustrations and derogatory comments made by family of patients and give good pastoral care. This stressful time is brought on by events such as traumatic deaths, serious injuries, hostage situations, and threatening situations these events are known as "Critical Incidents." People who respond to emergencies encounter highly stressful events almost every day. Sometimes an event is so traumatic or overwhelming that emergency responders may experience significant stress reactions. There are emotional, behavioral, cognitive and physiological reactions that might occur because of critical incidents. The preceding 162
verbatim and the exchange between the family members and me have indicators of Critical Incident Stress.
These indicators, signs and
symptoms are not only felt by the patient and family but the chaplain and staff as well. At this moment there is what seems to be a wait and see attitude by staff which might indicate whether or not security staff will be involved. This was a time for me to revisit my work as a CPE Resident in the ED. My movements were not instinctive and I was very comfortable in the role I was to play this afternoon. I felt as though I was in a tough place with two patients at one time, but what made this call easier was that they were somewhat related. Related in a sense that they knew each other and that the two would seem like one. I was wrong; both families were like day and night and had to be handled in different manners. I offered the same level of care to both families and was pleased that both cases ended on a good note. The first emotion that arose during this call was excitement and slight joy that I would end my day with a rush from the ED. The next one was anger and the way I was treated in the ED by this family and in front of other people and staff. The most difficult piece for me was the fact that the girlâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s family would be so aggressive, angry and unruly. I could sense that they would need full attention and maybe I should call for help. That was alleviated when the other family quickly calmed down and could be left alone. I thought my best work with this patient and family was when I immediately gave the best care possible to the patient and the family. I had to deal with my emotion of anger and disdain for the family that I 163
knew was hostile toward me and no other staff that was in their presence (openly). I would describe my relationship to this case as pastor and an example of what good pastoral care should look like. In the midst of abuse from family I was able to deal with my feelings and keep moving as if nothing happened. I have learned as pastor and person that it is easy to establish a relationship and it is probably just as easy to offend the patient and family if not careful. In a case where the family dishonored the chaplain I felt as though I had to make a decision as to the attitude I would have in helping this family. I must use my conversations and connections with the patients to find my souls work. This case tried that work and I felt as though I did good work. This involved my spiritual and emotional senses and quick decisions had to be made. At a time where this could have went either way I felt an obligation to the hospital policy of putting this family first. Also in their crisis I had to understand their anger and grief.
Social Location & Multicultural Implications The patients and their families were different. The one girl who was not badly injured had a mother and father who were outwardly very prayerful and grateful for how things were working out. The mother of this girl was also a employee of hospital. The father came in with his daughter and knew of her status as with the other family they did not. The other family, which was angry, implied that they were from a â&#x20AC;&#x153;street mentalityâ&#x20AC;? some were slightly intoxicated on either a substance or their 164
own emotions. They were angry, loud, and disruptive and seemed that they needed attention at whatever cost. They seemed not to care about anyone but themselves and were oblivious to people around them. They may have seemed uneducated and economically disadvantaged, but that may not have been the case at all.
Psychological and Family Implications This family and the patient were both loud and angry. Psychologically they were feeling emotions of intense pain and mental trauma. They were uncontrollable to a certain extent and I could never tell what their next reaction may have been. They were unpredictable and unable to express what it was that they needed in the moment. I felt as though the care they needed was someone who would understand not just the pain but their psychological and emotional state as well.
Self Evaluation I thought this case allowed me to see just how far I have traveled emotionally in my CPE journey. I felt maybe three or four emotions in the span of a few minutes and was able to give good care to the family. I did not see how the case turned out, because I handed it off to P. the evening Chaplain in the ED. They were as humble as lamb when I introduced them to P. Once again their respect for people of other color came through in their attitudes. This case is a precursor to my next work of similar circumstances and I must admit, this case Claiming God and Reclaiming Dignity by Edward Wimberly was the book I used to launch my theological discussion with self about 165
discordant identification. This book along with a couple of experiences in the ED, during this rotation allowed me to look at the area of critical incidents and discordant care and how it affects me personally and theologically. Edward Wimberly in his book uses Earnest Gainesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s book A Lesson Before Dying the power of transforming and connecting with humanity and God.
This for me may have been a afterthought or
difficult but through the gift of providing to the patient a sacred and spiritual place to deposit their anguish and pain I have tried to awaken in me a new door for ministry to patients. The book was a difficult read but after many attempts it took on a new life and I was able to move through it understanding the importance of the patient who does not look like the major dominate culture in American society and may lack the empowerment and understanding of life to fully benefit from the pastoral aspect of the work. Yet they are human enough for me to look deeper into the pastoral/patient relationship and find the power that allows transformation in the patient and self. He mentions moving beyond the one-time conversation model into the growing in perfection, the life-long process of faithful service to God by the caregiver and extension of grace to patients. Along with the aspects of grace and sanctification Wimberley moved me into the three areas known as prefiguring, configuring and transfiguring. It is based upon the patientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s prior knowledge to the encounter, the process of change or redemption in the midst of the action. The visit(s) can take the form of the sanctification process such as Ernest Gainesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; character Jefferson seeing the dying Jesus on the cross or take the form of me, the chaplain becoming the sounding board for abuse directed at me which would be my worst case scenario. With the 166
patients here there is not as much as a glimpse of the dying Jesus, but does the visit have the power to open the ministry door to transformation of patient and chaplain. With each visit and encounter I am beginning to see more and more the affect that sickness and incapacity have on us all. We begin to share in the patient’s story and our own stories that bring healing and covenant with the patient that we will be conduits of good or righteousness. What ever role the patient places me in I am able to conform to the moment hoping for the least of a good “pastoral visit.” It is in the visit that I find power not only for the patient but for me to reclaim and systematically through the CPE process to connect to my own internalized thoughts and self held conversations. Theological learning also brought into my own conversations the aspect of discordant care. Wimberley’s book makes a connection but my thoughts on discordant care and power came into being with a presentation I made about a patient’s family that talked disrespectfully to me. The book Understanding Race, Ethnicity and Power: the Key to Efficacy in Clinical Practice, by Elaine Penderhughes gives me more insight to the differential of power between patients, families and staff. There are differences in ethnicity, race and power and she tries to unfold the difference and give the value of circumstances that may impact me in negative ways.
Patients see themselves one way, staff another and
families another also. We have tried to cover cross-cultural work here at SNGH, but the skew came with intra-cultural issues I had. I am used to the abuse that some persons may give from a customer service standpoint, but when trying to do good as in the pastoral care aspect it is different. It was hard for me to tell if I was being helpful in a pastoral sense or was I identified with the power structure of the hospital. Maybe 167
I was viewed by this family as the black man for black families and they wanted to cut to the chase by having someone with what they perceived as real power and authority to serve them. My stature as chaplain was different from theirs and I now see that not only race was an issue but my occupation, dress, appearance, etc. Wimberleyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s words of prefiguring and their own experiences in hospitals and my desire to transfigure something all made for differences. My response to go with the flow and mellow the atmosphere with plenty of self control spoke more of my prefiguring and old responses versus my clinical responses. Maybe my old
Christian
graceful
mannerisms
need
bolstering
by
the
liberation/existentialism theology that says abuse from abusers no matter what color, denomination, class or sexual orientation should not be tolerated. What should be important to me is my own power, needs, responses and management in the moment including the care and condition of the patient and family. Discordant Identification in Critical Incident Stress by Russell H. Davis particularly the last paragraph help me to define the incident and where I may go in the future when in the middle of an incident with families or patients. If I am to agree with him I must look at my own set of circumstances and transferences which donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t allow me to move through this incident without referring to it as critical. I only see the pastoral care God in my handling of the occurrence as admirable, taking pride in my not getting upset outwardly. Ministering to angry families is a special ministry. The problem is to determine if the anger is directed toward me as the chaplain or elsewhere.
The first point I had to learn is that people must be
empowered, especially when a situation as rendered them helpless. 168
Anger is Power. As I think about the differences in patients and families in the Emergency Department, I find that there are distinctive variations in their dispositions from one patient and family to the next. The one commonality is that each family and patient is there in the ED to be served by staff of the hospital. How they are served is determined by the policy of each hospital and staff members. I have had opportunity to observe first hand the level of care and involvement of staff, families and patients and generally speaking the staff of the emergency Department is a dedicated, caring and courageous group. It is hard to determine from triage what their initial reaction will be, but once care and treatment have begun there is movement toward what is best for the patient. Families and patients are offered levels of pastoral care based on their need. Some patients and families require/desire more care than others. This didactic is about the treatment of the patient and family and the chaplainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pastoral role and how it might be established in the face of disrespect given by the patient and or family. If the chaplain is treated poorly they will feel humiliated and disrespected.
Respect and recognition of the chaplainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s role in the
Emergency Department is important to especially the chaplain. The chaplain establishes this role based upon their own instinctive desire to serve patients. What is desired by the chaplain is to be needed, respected and recognized. The refusal of pastoral care by the patient and family can be dealt with according to each occasion that arises. There is a mutual understanding that refusal of pastoral care comes with the territory. However to be disrespected and ignored raises other emotions and feelings. I have to ask myself â&#x20AC;&#x153;How do I deal with this rush of
169
emotion that overwhelms me when families in particular find ways to disrespect me as spiritual care giver in the Emergency Department?â&#x20AC;? The first important fact I had to deal with in this situation was to learn who I was dealing with and how they may interpret my role. I am a chaplain in the system and my ways, my looks and behavior speak volumes. My role is not so much defined as interpreted by the patient and family as employee of the hospital. I wear the badge and am dressed according to standards of the department? Patients and families are outside of the culture of the hospital and they are not a part of the system. They have come to a hospital to be served by a system that prides itself in serving anyone regardless of finances, nationality, creed, sex, etc. When they arrive in the ED they (the patient and/or family) may be alone, frightened and skeptical of the care that they may receive spiritually or medically. This may be the cause for the anger they may express toward chaplain staff or others. How does race and culture play a role? As an African American male, some of the issues are when people of color abuse and disrespect people of color who are trying to serve them. I can not say that this is the first time that this has happened to me, but it is the first time I am able to study and discuss those feelings openly in a supportive group. What I desire is to hold a discussion about ministry to angry patients and families in a critical stress scenario, i.e. ED. At no time did I feel threatened by the family of the patients who came into the ED as Trauma Alpha but I did have feelings of humiliation and anger. I have identified the stressor for the family as the incident that brought them here and for me the family. I felt the stress of the moment in the ED Alpha Trauma, and it was heightened by the actions 170
of the family of the one patient. For me the amount of stress exceeded the normal amount but I did not note whether the actions and aggression of this family affected others around me. It is my goal to discuss as chaplains who you might be identified with, the patient, the support staff, the medical team, the security or feelings of being on your own. There is a particular passage on page eleven of Russell H. Davis’s writing on Discordant Identification in a Stress Incident that reads, all of us prisoners of identification, inmates of hounded imagination, in bondage to our own aggression as surely as... Is it the social, economic, racial factors that are responsible for people’s behavior or what Elaine Penderhughes may refer to as a differential of power? Her discussion included who has power and how they obtain it if they don’t. I have feelings that relate me to the patient’s family if I am right, sometimes feeling powerless as an African American male in America. Does staff or others including visitors dismiss them as ignorant negroes or feel empathy for them because their loved one is in the trauma bay and they don’t know how the patient is doing. “Serves him right” they may say, “He should have given them a straight answer.” Dr. Davis also speaks of divergent identification where I take the liberty to define as the minority group may feel alien to the culture of the hospital where they the family is powerless or invisible. I agree with the writing that it is possible for a traumatized chaplain to provide adequate care to a family whose point of view is radically different from mine and so different that it challenges my pastoral identification and stirs all of the emotions I felt dealing with them. But why is that so complex when I have dealt with these types of persons for most of my adult life. I would take joy in their remorseful 171
looks or those returning days later and apologizing for acting like such an ass. Or I must ask myself is my identification tied so closely that inside I cheer their boldness to scream and holler at the system that never seems to be attuned to the powerless? It is both primordial and powerful that I would chose to report on people so abusive yet adequate pastoral care to such families and patients gives my calling purpose and identification. I am able to offer good enough pastoral care and that I have done so even in the face of an angry patient or family. I am able to do so especially when the anger is directed toward me. I must realize that they may have been the family that acted out their anger or frustrations on the first available caregiver as I did in a more decent and efficient way by telling the chaplain who had informed me my son was not going to make it, not to pray for me but give me a straight answer as to his condition.
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Patterns of Repetition across Generations (Intergenerational-Transgenerational Behaviors) Patterns of Functioning Murray Bowen brings up two important facts: one is an assumption that problems and symptoms reflect a systemâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (family) adaptation to its total context at a given moment in time. And the repetitive behaviors of the family from one generation to the next are called multigenerational transmission of family patterns, whereby the relationship patterns provide models for function, relationship and patterns across decades. I want to focus upon examples of function, relationship and patterns in my paternal family. (Adaptive) My family across generations has been able to function and contribute to society. I am focusing upon my paternal family which occupation and family business ran through three generations and impacts a fourth. My paternal grandfather Huby, Sr. was able to instill through action the ability to serve others. He was a Baptist man who said he always missed his calling.
He was know for his
gregarious behavior and knowledge in many matters. He was educated at Morris Brown College and Rennselear Polytech as a Funeral Director. He built his business for his future generations. I remember so clearly how one day he told me with tears in his eyes, almost grieving that he had built this (funeral home) for me. I told my uncle and he said it was just an old man feeling the effects of alcohol. I thought that until one day I realized he had built it for me. He and his brothers (2) were Funeral Directors; sons (2) excluding my father were and myself 173
excluding my male cousins (2) are Funeral Directors. If they are not directors, by following their own dreams they have had trouble. I am also focusing upon the males of my family since I have chosen to make myself the focus. However my grandmother and mother have had a great impact upon me. (Maladaptive) Alcohol and drug abuse may play a role in the self destruction of the family. My own family was greatly impacted by a father who tired on many occasions to be treated for alcoholism but failed. He and his brothers are now in poor health because of alcoholism. This contributed to the high rate of divorce among three generations. There were also indications of substance abuse across the three generations. My grandmother would speak of valium and the need for them. My father and uncles had many powerful prescriptions for pain medication. Also alcohol abuse and minor drug experimentation to addictions are present among cousins.
Patterns of Relationship One of the repetitive patterns of relationship is the high rate of divorce among members of my family. My grandparents were models for a marriage consisting of a business-working male and a femalehousewife grandmother who was also educated at Morris Brown to be a teacher.
They “fussed and argued” as much as people do, but
demonstrated a couple who seemed affectionately in love with each other. One of the issues for males and a pattern is infidelity and divorce. My grandfather at an older age had a couple of “girlfriends” I knew of. If the relationships were serious in nature I’m not sure of that. One 174
attended his funeral and I was able to speak to her, because I knew she was grieving. I saw a number of years later, we exchanged words and smiles.
Repeated Structural Patterns Divorces have occurred on three levels, my father, aunt and uncles, my cousins and me. And children and children of cousins have broken and patterns of cohabitation type of relationships. The family structures on three levels have consistently been broken through divorce or have not been developed. One of the patterns I have found by observation is the incompatibility of mates has been a great impact. Not that the marriages could not have succeeded but infidelity played a role in repeated structures. The model and pattern of divorce seems to have become the norm. McGoldrick (Genograms in Family Assessment) surmises that patterns in the past and present may continue into the future.
Coincidences Let me again focus briefly on divorce again, but one of the life events which may not necessarily be the cause of the high rate of divorce and not to say one caused the other. My grandfather died in 1975 seems to have had the most impact on family and is probably the greatest event that affected family function. Prior to his death in 1975 there were no divorces by his children. Family functions surrounded his activities, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. After his death all of his children, one-byone divorced. Also there was a discontinuation of family functioning and 175
the disintegration of his family business. My operation of the funeral home was not a continuation of the â&#x20AC;&#x153;family business.â&#x20AC;?
Impact of Life Changes Transitions and Traumas: Between the death of my grandfather and some unspoken events, i.e. stillborn children of aunts and uncles and the death of my son have all affected the family in one way or another. There has been great difficulty retuning and recreating some of the events that drew this family together.
The deafening silence and
unexpressed love for each other awaits someone in the family to reunite us in a positive way. Currently funerals have served as the main function for reunions. The death of Courtney Meadows was the next biggest event death-wise since 1975. The only death type trauma to impact the family, and this sent a ripple throughout the family (McGoldrick). It impacted the reunion of the family.
Social, Economic and Political Events The grandchildren of my family have all in one way or another have migrated away from Buffalo, NY. The economy of Western New York made it so that it was very difficult to establish economic success. It was the northern migration of blacks to the north that brought my grandparents to Buffalo and the poor economic conditions that attribute to the moving away.
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Impact Upon Ministry and Pastoral Function I have separated my life and calling to the higher purpose of not only answering the call to ministry but to take upon my life the burden of repairing the breech between family and God. It is my calling that has separated me from the abuses and self destructive behaviors to become an example and beacon to my family. I want to be known as the repairer of the breech between my family and God. This can be achieved by gaining the experience and knowledge of family structures and patterns to assess and try to not only lead by example but to break the generational curses or in Bowen’s term multigenerational patterns of problems that destroy the fabric of family. This has impacted my ministry and the way I conduct myself pastorally in ways that cause me to seek after the knowledge of self growth and development. These skills of growth and development are not only used to help in ministry and service but to help my own personal family to see the patterns and make corrections to bring into view the scripture that says one is able to rule their own house well.” It is almost hypocritical to serve humanity and neglect my own family. Personally it is hard to provide ministry and comfort to others in the realm of pastoral ministry and stand helpless as my own family selfdestructs. I am able to hold conversations with my own children about what “good family” looks l.ike. It is my conclusion that “good ministry” brings strength and healing to family. My family’s patterns have shaped my calling and the way I do ministry. I constantly run from the demons of alcohol although I have never used it and the patterns of destruction caused by infidelity. There 177
is joy and satisfaction in living the style of life we see possible for patients and congregants alike.
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Epilogue Luke 10:30-37 A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 32 And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side. 33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, 34 And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. 35 And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. 36 Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves? 37 And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise. KJV In Henry Blackaby’s Book Created to be God’s Friend: How God Shapes Those He Loves the chapter entitled A Renewal and Establishing God’s Call says “Love involves a release of one’s life unconditionally to God, for God alone. When this is in place, God will make you, mold you and shape you into exactly what God had in mind for you in eternity, to be lived out in time.” He goes on to mention three 179
words potential, maturity and assurance. The potential for compassion, maturity to care and an assurance that tomorrow will take care of itself. Jesus’ story connects two strangers; one in need of care and one who assumes the role of caregiver. The caregiver who posses both the mind and heart to stop his travel and takes time to care for a stranger. A wounded stranger who is not identified by race, religion or class but by his condition. It is noted that a man came down from Jerusalem to Jericho, he was set upon by thieves, robbed, beaten and left for dead. He is a man who could have been anyone and the stranger who cared could have been any of us. This story demonstrates that in reality we all come in contact each day that we awaken and to come to this place we could be either the victim or caregiver. I would like to focus on the three phases of the gift of the text. The first is the Potential for compassion: Each of us has the potential to act as the caregiver acted. The writer simplifies the actions of the man by saying that he triaged the situation, he saw, had compassion, he met the traveler’s immediate need, handed him off and promised to check on him again. I would say that he demonstrated the first set of BBE’s we dream of and pursue each day. He triages the emergent need, what is needed right now and does what he knows to do. He picks up the wounded stranger delivers him to the inn for respite and recovery. He pays the bill and promises to pay more if needed. He gives what is needed, he goes the extra mile and Jesus uses him to say that a good neighbor in a crisis will handle his business. The second is the Maturity to care: He could pass on the other side as the Levite and the Priest did. They don’t represent bad people, only people who did not have the time nor desire to help the wounded 180
stranger. They like many people could not, if I exercise assumptions, did not care to or see the need to help the wounded beaten and robbed man. They represent poor care in the time of need and an immaturity in ministry. They missed the opportunity to be used by God to help someone who was in need of someone to look upon him. Finally the Assurance that tomorrow will take care of itself. The caregiver exercises his right and has the confidence to know that what ever he does today will be today’s ministry and that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow. The analogy is that we can care about today, let us work during this day to help the victims, the beaten, those in pain, in misery, in a vulnerable, open state unable to care for themselves. God molds us, shapes us and uses us to be kind, show compassion and care for the hurt and dying among us. This story says that there are no strangers among us and that everyone who passes along this way, in the same shape as the wounded traveler is worthy of compassion, care and knows with assurance that someone here cares. The song writer says “If I can help somebody as I travel on my way, then my living shall not be in vain.” You my brothers and sisters, “go and do likewise.”
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Footnotes
i
Courtney and Boobie
ii
http://www.pulpit.org/articles/embracing_death.asp
iii
Is. 53:3 NIV
iv
The End is Just the Beginning, Churn, Arlene,Herlem Moon, NY 2003
vgeneral manifestations of african religiosity an exploratory paper at the first meeting of the standing committee on the contributions of Africa to the religious heritage of the world John Mbiti "A Hawk Eats Through The Help Of The Shepherds" http://www.afrikaworld.net/afrel/mbiti.htm vi Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross, words by Frances Jane "Fanny" Crosby (18201915) vii
Ezekiel 24:15-19 NIV
viii
Sit down God…I’m Angry, R.F. Smith, Judson Press, Valley Forge, 1997
ix
Courtney in elementary school
x
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/02371a.htm
xi
Pg. 108
xii
http://www.atheists.net/pages/spirits.html
xiii
Pg. 108
xivhttp://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/week341/cover.html xv
pg. 108
xvi
When Jesus Comes, Sarah Jordan Powell
xvii
Courtney the night of his Senior Prom
xviii
http://www.justchristians.com/abundantLife/022000/2.html
xix
The Wisdom of the Psyche, Ulanov, Ann, Cowley, Cambrige Mass, 1988.
xx
Ibid page
xxi
The Wisdom of the Psyche, Ulanov, Ann, Cowley, Cambrige Mass, 1988.
xxii
http://www.nebraskastudies.org/0700/frameset_reset.html?http://www.nebraskastudies.org/07 00/stories/0701_0131.html xxiii
http://www.rootsweb.com/~vannwhpa/vannwhpa/nn_first_preservation.htm
xxiv
http://www.ehistory.com/uscw/library/or/002/0964.cfm
xxv
Taken from Warwick County Historic Courthouse 1810
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Stampp, Kenneth M, The Peculiar Institution: Slavery in the Ante-Bellum South, New York, Knopf,1956.
xxvi
xxvii
Price, Fredrick, Race, Religion and Race, Faith One, Los Angeles, 1999.
xxviii
http://www.georgiaencyclopedia.org/nge/Article.jsp?id=h-632
xxix
Wilmore
xxx
James Agee, Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, Boston, Houghton Mifflin/Mariner, 1939.
xxxi
http://www.innercity.org/holt/slavechron.html
Alice Walker, In Search of my Mother’s Garden: Womanist Prose, New York, Harcourt Bruce Jovanovich, 1983.
xxxii
xxxiii
Katie Canon, Katie’s Canon, New York, Continuum, 1995.
xxxiv
http://www.quiltsofgeesbend.com/history/
xxxv
Jerome C. Ross, The History of Ancient Israel and Judah, 2003.
Katie Canon, Inaugural Lecture, The Switching of Robes and Hoods: The Ethical Praxis of Zora Neale Hurston, Union-PCE January 28, 2004
xxxvi
Katie Canon, Katie’s Canon, New York, Continuum, 1995.
xxxvii xxxviii xxxix
http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/women/afroangl.html
pg. 108
38 Swanson,
Kara, I’ll Carry the Fork, Rising Star, CA, 1999
xl
pg. 108
xli
Swanson, Kara, I’ll Carry the Fork, Rising Star, CA, 1999
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READING LIST SOME OF MY FAVORITES Wimberly, Edward P., Claiming God Reclaiming Dignity, African American Pastoral Care, Abingdon, Nashville, TN, 2003 Maxwell, John, The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader: Becoming the Person Others Will Want to Follow, Thomas Nelson, Nashville TN, 1999. Sine, Christine & Tom, Living on Purpose, Baker Books, Grand Rapids, MI, 2002. Penderhughes, Elaine, Understanding Race, Ethnicity and Power: The Key to Efficacy on Clinical Practice, Free Press, New York, NY, 1989. Davis, Russell, H. Discordant Identification in Critical Stress Incident, Human Science Press, Journal of Religion and Health, Vol. 33, No. 1, Spring 1983 (7-15). Wassner, William, J., Institutional Violence: A Challenge to the Church and Pastoral Care, Encounter, 48:3, Summer 1987, (293-307) Selected Readings for Cardiac, Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Health and Vascular rotation. Aden, Leroy and Ellens J. Harold, Turning Points in Pastoral Care: The Legacy of Anton Boisen and Seward Hiltner, Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1990. Alvarez, A., The Savage God, Random House, NY, 1972. Attig, Thomas, The Heart of Grief, Death and the Search for Lasting Love, Oxford Press, NC, 2000.
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Holst, Lawrence, E., Hospital Ministry and the Role of the Chaplain Today, 1985. Jung, C.G., Memories, Dreams, Reflections, Collins and Routledge, London, England, 1963. Maloney, Raelynn, Wolfelt, Alan, D., Caring for Donor Families, before, during and after, Fort Collins, CO, Companion Press, 2001. May, Gerald, G., Care of Mind/Care of Spirit, Harper Collins, San Francisco, 1992. McGoldrick, Monica, Genograms in Family Assessment, WW Norton & Co Inc, NY, 1986. Oates, Wayne, E., The Psychology of Religion, Philadelpiha, PA, Westminster Press, 1974. Palmer, Helen, The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and Others in Swanson, Kara, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll Carry the Fork!, Recovering a Life After Brain Injury, Rising Star Press, Scotts Valley, CA, 2003. Saks, Oliver, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, Touchstone, NY, NY, 1985.
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