ISSUE 2 - NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2012
LIVING NOW, LOOKING UP
DO YOU SUFFER FROM COMPULSIVE COMPARISON SYNDROME? Find the cure
Add some spark to your marriage And avoid “the dragons”
SELF-ESTEEM DEBUNKED
+ fashion & beauty essentials for summer
1 season to be merry – Christmas gift guide, crafts and festive nibbles It’s the
Meet the model: Nicci Collier
I am 28 years old and grew up in Johannesburg. I now live in Cape Town and work as the chief copy editor of Marie Claire. I love my job and feel so privileged to work with some of the top magazine professionals in the country, despite the challenging nature of the secular media industry. I live with five friends in a big, old house and we live as a family, sharing our home and food with each other and a steady stream of delightful visitors. 1
CONTENTS
Reflect “If I had what she had”: why comparisons are so deadly....p14 The friendship issue - are they made to last?........... .......p22
Refresh *Your look *Your home *Your plate Christmas gift shopping made easy and fun.......................p4 Beauty choices for the season...................................................p8 The essential summer dress – for work and play..............p10 Festive nibbles – that are waist-friendly too.......................p35
Renew Looking in the mirror – and reflecting on what a healthy self-image really means......p18
Re-learning education – have we really put our thinking to the test?............................. .p26
CONTRIBUTORS Editor Nicole Cameron
How to add some spark to your marriage.........................p30
Redeem A calling into Egypt ......................................................................p32
Food Editor Lara Demnitz
Rising up to meet the challenge – Radiant speaks to Arise founder Debbie Burt.............................p41
Fashion Contributor Jerusha Sukhdeo
Lifestyle Contributor Carin Bevan
Features Writers Dalene Reyburn Kate Motaung Susan Keegan
Photography Ferdinand van Huizen
Layout Stevette de Wit
Relax How to make rubber stamps – a quick and useful craft....p39 Read, watch, play (and a chat to local author Sophie De Witt)...............................p43
Regulars Ed’s letter.............................................................................................p2 Win.......................................................................................p3, p17, p44 Column..............................................................................................p45
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EDITOR’S LETTER Radiant’s second edition welcomes in the silly season – which in the southern hemisphere means fun in the sun, turkeys on the braai, and hopefully some time to rest and rejuvenate with friends and family. We trust you’ll enjoy all the festive ideas we’ve served up – whether it be Christmas gift combos to make your shopping easier (p4), a crafty way to make rubber stamp gift cards (p39) or snacky entrées for your yuletide fare (p35). And then there are the beauty and fashion pages to help complete your holiday look...don’t be caught without the “ESD” (Essential Summer Dress), introduced on page 10. On a more serious note, my prayer is that this issue’s articles will really stir up thought and that readers’ minds would be challenged, driven to scripture, renewed and transformed. Susan Keegan’s piece (Re-learning education, page 26) certainly made me sit up and think – while secular schools may claim to be “religiously neutral” we should know better than to believe such a thing exists, shouldn’t we? If God is excluded from the classroom, will our children be influenced by the subtle deception that He is irrelevant to the world of education and work? Christian vs secular schooling is a hot topic and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter – send me a mail on nicole@radiantmag.co.za. Friendship is a subject that’s been on my mind for a while and on page 22 it’s explored with regards to withstanding differences like life stages, gender, and the all-important salvation line – what happens when you become a Christian and your best friend doesn’t? Other articles bound to strike a chord include Dalene Reyburn’s “If I had what she had...” (page 14), in which she honestly shares her own struggle with comparing herself to others, and how she believes this robs so many women of contentment, and Kate Motaung’s reflection on what a Godly, healthy self-image really means (Looking in the mirror, p18). Merry Christmas and may it be a wonderful time to reflect on the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and His everyday grace.
Nicole
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Second edition. November 2012 © Radiant Magazine 2012
CONTACT DETAILS Tel: 084 301 6860 nicole@radiantmag.co.za Follow us on Facebook and Twitter (@radiantmagazine)
FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS THIS ISSUE:
JERUSHA SUKHDEO Jerusha is an Indian girl with a Hebrew name who was born in Durban, raised in Jo’burg and lives in Cape Town. She works as a journalist – a job she loves – and blogs at http://thisredlipstick.blogspot.com. Jerusha shows us how to wear 2012’s summer look on page 10.
SUSAN KEEGAN Susan Keegan lives in Diep River, Cape Town, with her husband Brian, three black cats, an anxious dog and an ever-changing houseful of young people. She has been involved in schools and Christian education ever since she met Jesus, and is now a director of The Vine School, recently established in Lansdowne. She spends far too much time on her laptop, but also loves her grown-up kids, her church (The Message), cooking, reading and playing Settlers. Susan challenges readers on re-thinking their perspectives on education on page 26.
WRITE IN AND WIN! Radiant would love to hear from you our readers. Was there an article that challenged you or encouraged you in some way? Is there an issue you’ve been thinking through recently that you’d like to share with readers? Whatever’s on your mind, we’d like to hear it, so drop the editor a line at nicole@radiantmag.co.za. The best letter could win this stylish Cara Mia manicure set with a retail value of R299.
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REFRESH RELAX
FOR THE
Ladies
Add a vintage touch with a second-hand literary classic, trinkets from second-hand or charity shops and some vintage-inspired accessories.
Chris
Gif
Blue Floral Button Earrings by Bow Peep (R50 + R25 postage, Hello Pretty) http://hellopretty.co.za/bow-peep/blue-floral-button-earrings Lace handkerchief and Bicycle Repair Kit tin (About R30 each) Breakfast at Tiffany’s or The Great Gatsby (R30-R50 at your local secondhand bookshop) Sitting Cat Brooch by Honey Song {Handmade Jewellery} (R70 + R30 postage, Hello Pretty) http://hellopretty.co.za/honey-song-handmadejewellery/cat-brooch Bird ornament (we found this one for R5)
Inspire a girls’ night in with a classic romantic comedy, some special chocolates or hot chocolate and fun beauty products. Just make sure you’re invited!
Pretty in Pink (R102, Loot.co.za) http://www.loot.co.za/product/mollyringwald-pretty-in-pink/fvhw-598-g640 Hot chocolate and cupcake mug gift set (R49.99, Mr Price Home) Nail polish (R15.99, Mr Price) Clicks face mask – they even have a chocolate mud mask! (R21.99, Clicks)
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MADE EASY
(
We’ve all experienced to the mall to buy the and chocolates-for-m frazzled and everything Radiant has some tip your Christmas gift sho free. We’ve come up wi that can turn any of yo socks, chocolates, bilto packages that are festi much fun to put toge
by Carin
fts
(and fun)
that last minute dash default socks-for-dad mom, feeling hot and g but joyful. This year, ps and ideas to make opping easy and stress ith a few combinations our old gift-faithfuls – ong, body lotions – into ive, imaginative and as ether as to unwrap.
n Bevan
REFRESH RELAX
stmas
For a real beauty treat, combine a beauty box filled with luxurious goodies with an elegant make-up bag from Checkers or Clicks (Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean it’s not stylish!) or a beauty treatment at your local salon.
One-month Rubybox subscription , which gives you one beauty box (R100, http://www.rubybox.co.za/) Make-up or toiletry bag (From about R40, Checkers) Express manicure (R135, Sorbet)
Crafters will love a craft book paired with craft materials. A good idea is to get the material for your favourite project from the book – who knows what you might get for your next birthday?
Crobots (R119, Loot.co.za) http://www.loot.co.za/product/nelly-pailloux-crobots/wrvx-1061-g2a0 Crochet hook (about R10) + wool (from around R15 a skein, depending on the wool type)
For some old-world glamour, combine a beautiful vintage or vintage-inspired teacup with some speciality tea. For a personal and creative touch, you can make your own teabags – see A Beautiful Mess’s tutorial here: http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com/my_weblog/2011/09/looseleaf-tea-make-your-own-tea-bags-.html
Teacup and saucer (R75, @home) Earl Grey Tea in pretty tin (R39.99, Woolworths) For something really special, get some flowering tea. You’ll find it at speciality tea stores or can buy it online at http://www.peacockteaandcoffee.co.za/tea/flowers.html (Prices range from R50 to R90 excluding delivery).
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REFRESH RELAX
FOR THE
Men
Digital magazine subscriptions are perfect for somebody who can’t tear himself from his tablet. All the popular titles are available, you can even get international magazines straight to your favourite digital device! Couple that with a box of liqueur chocolates or biltong and you’ll make a man’s summer holiday.
Getaway digital subscription (R138.60 for 12 digital issues, za.zinio.com) http://za.zinio.com/browse/publications/index.jsp?productId=500586054&c ategoryId=cat1960022
Combine old and new with a cla and a subscription to an online streaming and download servic he’s watched the film he can go soundtrack!
The Great Escape (R93, Loot.co.za) http://www.loot.co.za/product/steve-mcqu -the-great-escape/kgmr-697-g990
Simfy Africa is SA’s first streaming mus on-demand service. For R60 a month you songs as you want, and subscriptions can http://www.simfy.co.za/start
Amarula chocolates (R32.99, Clicks)
Tickets to watch some world-cla cricket go very well with crafte or cider from one of South Afri top microbreweries. (Look out for the alcohol-free o
Celebrate your guy’s geekiness with a unique T-shirt and every guy’s favourite childhood (and grownup!) toy, Lego.
Tickets for the New Zealand cricket tour (Test tickets from R30, One Day Internation http://www.ticketpros.co.za/portal/web/ind
Each of Teefury’s T-shirt designs is only available for a day The designs are unique and full of geeky popular culture references – perfect for fans of Star Wars/Star Trek/ PacMan/Firefly/Big Bang Theory/Doctor Who. Just jump on the site every day until you see a design you like! ($10 excluding shipping, http://www.teefury.com/) Lego keychain (R59, Kiddiwinks) http://www. bricklink.co.za/LEGOShop/product.php?id_product=4638353
Darling Brew Slow Beer (R23, Ebooze) http://ebooze.co.za/Product.aspx?Catego
TIPS TO MAKE YOUR SHOPPING STRESS-F
1. Start planning! First, make a list gifts to.
2. Second, decide on your budget. For a more sophisticated touch, give some organic, fair trade coffee with a small stovetop espresso maker and an espresso cup.
person (or per couple or family)?
3. Get an idea of what you’d like to
4. There’s no reason to wait until t
your shopping. If you buy gifts onli break or after work. No jostling for and no getting elbowed in the eleva Bean There coffee beans (R60.00, beanthere.co.za. Also available at some supermarkets and health shops like Wellness Warehouse) http://www.beanthere.co.za/shop/coffee/coffee/rwandan-kivu/1-88 3-cup stovetop espresso maker (R39.99, Checkers Hyper)
5. If you’re crafty, why not make a
though that you need a lot of time materials can be very expensive. M fillers are better than trying to cro twenty people.
Espresso cup (R35, @home)
6. If you want to save money, cons
family. A big family-size jar of hom be very well received!
7
ueen
sic u can listen to and download as many n be cancelled anytime.
ass ed beer ica’s
options.)
to South Africa nals from R60) dex.php/category/cricket )
oryName=Crafted+Beers
R CHRISTMAS FREE
t of everybody you want to give
. How much can you spend per
o give everyone on your list.
the Christmas holidays to start ine, you can do it in your lunch r parking, no paying parking fees ator queue.
a few gifts? Do keep in mind e to make your own gifts and craft Maybe a few handmade stocking ochet granny square blankets for
sider giving gifts per couple or per memade chocolate chip cookies will
FOR
Young couples
Spoil a young couple with some movie tickets and vouchers for coffee and cake (available from most malls, just ask at the customer service desk). Throw in your babysitting services and you’ve got the perfect gift for young parents!
REFRESH RELAX
assic DVD e music ce. So once o buy the
Vouchers from home and living shops like @home and Woolworths will be much appreciated by couples setting up home for the first time. Combine this with a nice set of champagne flutes (R50 for four, Checkers Hyper) and a bottle of bubbly (R75 for the Oddbin Methode Cap Classique, Checkers) to help them celebrate their new house.
FOR
Grandparents
You’ve probably been taking Instagram photos of your kids throughout the year. Now put them to good use and turn them into your parents’ favourite Christmas gift! Stickygram creates a set of nine little fridge magnets from your Instagram photos and posts them to you within a week or two. They’re also ideal as stocking fillers or to include in Christmas cards. ($14.99 for a set of nine magnets + free postage, http://stickygram.com/)
STOCKISTS @home: www.home.co.za/ Bean There: www.beanthere.co.za Bow Peep: www.bow-peep.co.za/ Checkers: www.checkers.co.za Clicks: www.clicks.co.za Darling Brew: www.darlingbrew.co.za/ Ebooze: www.ebooze.co.za Hello Pretty: www.hellopretty.co.za Honey Song {Handmade Jewellery}: www.facebook.com/pages/HoneySong-Handmade-Jewellery/143745072367366 Kiddiwinks: www.kiddiwinks.co.za Loot.co.za: www.loot.co.za Mr Price Home: www.mrpricehome.com Mr Price: www.mrp.co.za Numetro: www.numetro.co.za Peacock Tea and Coffee: www.peacockteaandcoffee.co.za rubybox: www.rubybox.co.za Simfy SA: www.simfy.co.za Sorbet: www.sorbet.co.za Ster Kinekor: www.sterkinekor.com Stickygram: www.stickygram.com Teefury: www.teefury.com TicketPros: www.ticketpros.co.za/ Woolworths: www.woolworths.co.za Zinio: za.zinio.com
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REFRESH
Beauty Essentials
for Summer Try our selection of products that are good for you, and for the environment too... by Natalie Mayer
Sunscreen
Besides several forms of cancer, sun exposure is the leading cause of wrinkles and prematurely-aged skin. Whatever your skin colour, living under the harsh African sun means that you should wear some level of sun protection daily. Dark skin should look at a minimum of SPF15, medium skin an SPF of 30, and fair skin an SPF of 50. Sunscreen is also moisturising, so you can swap out your day cream for a medium to high SPF. Enjoy the sun but don’t tan too much: beauty comes in all colours, so love and look after the skin colour you’ve been given! Try Eco Suncare Sun Cream SPF50+ or the transparent Eco Suncare Facial Sun Gel SPF30.
Moisturiser
Sun exposure can lead to dry skin, so a good quality moisturiser is a must for summer. Moisturiser can also reduce inflammation and improve the elasticity of the skin. Try SA’s own organic brand Esse’s moisturisers which are available in light, deep, rich or ultra coverage to suit your skin’s needs.
Bright Lipstick
Colour is a wonderful mood booster, and this spring and summer brights are in for lips. It’s a case of go big or go home: look for coral reds or fuschia pinks. Keep the rest of your makeup simple and neutral, otherwise the bright lippie will be too overpowering. Try SA brand Inthusiasm in Rose Red or Candy Pink. If you’re feeling a bit nervous of bright lipstick, try a bright tinted lip balm such as Badger Tinted Shimmer Lip Balm to ease into it.
Cream Blusher
A cream blush is great for day wear as it can be more subtle than a shimmery powder blush, and gives you that healthy “I’ve been going to the gym” glow. Apply it to the apple of your cheeks and blend up along your cheekbones. Try Jane Iredale’s In Touch Cream Blush in Connection.
Think before
REFRESH
you buy
Be beautiful, but be responsible too... Does this company
test on animals? Testing cosmetic products on animals is cruel and unnecessary, and supporting this behaviour is not compatible with being a godly steward of God’s creation (Proverbs 12:10). Unfortunately this practice is still very common and most of the big international brands are guilty. The organisation PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have compiled a list of companies that do and don’t test on animals, so you can find out the names of individual brands here. (I found images too horrific to publish.)
Do I know the
ingredients in the product? Many cosmetics contain potentially harmful chemicals such as sodium laurel/laureth sulphate (a known irritant and hormone disruptor, linked to organ toxicity and possibly cancer), or parabens (a preservative that mimics the hormone estrogen, linked to the development of breast cancer). Don’t assume that because it is on the shelf in a shop, that it has
been tested and is safe or environmentally friendly. There is unfortunately very little in the way of proper standards, testing and labelling. Rather be safe and use products without these ingredients. A full list of ingredients and products you can purchase without them is available on the Faithful to Nature website. www.faithfultonature.co.za
Is this product
made locally? Buy local products rather than those from large multinational companies. This more than doubles the money circulating among local businesses, promotes a cohesive community, and employs local people. South Africa has a 25% unemployment rate – do something about this by buying local products and supporting local businesses. Local products also usually have a lower carbon footprint as they have not been transported as far as imported products, so it’s a win for climate change too.
Is the product and its packaging
reusable and recycable?
landfill or burned, both of which are extremely damaging to the environment - never mind the waste of energy, water and other natural resources. Say “no” to over-packaged, nonrecyclable or hard-to-recycle products or packaging materials (e.g. Styrofoam; PET plastics 3, 4, and 6; wax-lined milk or juice boxes; cellophane; tin foil). Rather go for those packaged in simple uncoated paper, glass, aluminium cans, or durable
NOTE Sometimes it is hard to find a product that meets each of these criteria while still being affordable. The good news is that if you buy smaller local brands, these often meet the other criteria too. For example, South African brand Earthsap makes inexpensive, cruelty- and harmful-ingredient free products in recyclable packaging.
Materials that can’t be recycled are buried at the
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RELAX
THE ESSENT
Summe Dre
M flattering your ward esse
by Jeru
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REFRESH RELAX
This summer, we’re all about the Essential Summer Dress. The first step is finding a simple, good quality frock to suit your budget and body-type. After that, it’s easy to dress your ESD up or down depending on the occasion. We love this floral twist dress especially created for Mr Price by Cleo Droomer (and at R129.99, we’re sure you will too!).
TIAL
mer ess
Make a frock drobe ential
usha Sukhdeo
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REFRESH RELAX
WEAR IT
to work
FROM TOP LEFT: We’re crazy for shades of turquoise, can you tell? This chunky ring is fun, but not too in-your-face; perfect for the office R29.99 from Mr Price. Blazers needn’t be boring. Because we have it on good authority coral is a hot hue for summer, why not be bold and choose a brightly coloured jacket? R139.99 from Mr Price. Carry your laptop in style with this sea-foam green notebook case. R160 from Woolworths. Accentuate your waist with this striking faux-leather turquoise belt. R49.99 from Mr Price. You’ll get stuff done in these practical pumps. The patent pink tip adds just the right amount of sass too. R120 from Woolworths
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TAKE IT
Out
FROM TOP LEFT: Add a little sparkle t statement ring. It needn’t cost a fo in your favourite department store. is great for the workplace, add a litt ready to go out. R320 from Foschini. purse, some tissues and a little lipp from Mr Price. Dress up your tresses one’s not too big, which we like. But always go bigger! R150 from Sass Div wedge. The floral wrap-around strap time addition to your shoe closet. R and-blush palate, try these fun stat
pink
RELAX
to your hand with a bright, shiny ortune, keep an eye out for shiny baubles . Mr Price R29.99. While a structured blazer tle whimsy with a lacy jacket when you’re If all you need for an evening out is your py, why not use a striking clutch? R49.99 s with an embellished alice-band. This t, hey, if you’re feeling brave you can va. Ditch the sensible flats for a daring ps on this pair are the perfect summerR379.99 from Plum. Keeping with the coraltement earrings. R100 from Sass Diva.
PRETTY IN
We really like soft shades of pinks and plums this season – it’s just a matter of finding the shade that perfectly complements your skin. Try out our summer beauty loves all the while remembering – no matter what – you were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
FROM TOP RIGHT: GOSH’s multicoloured blusher R135 from Edgars. Revlon’s Just Bitten lip stain R105. Inglot’s summer nail varnishes R99. Revlon’s Colour Burst lip glosses R100. Carolina Herrera CH. 50ml for R690 from Edgars.
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How comparisons can become a deadly habit... I used to get a migraine when my son was invited to a birthday party. Not when the invitation was given. That would just produce a knot of terror and a nauseous smile. The migraine would fog over on the morning of the party, or sometimes the night before. Usually I was quite grateful because it meant we didn’t have to go. By Dalene Reyburn
M
y migraines were autoimmune. They had everything to do with me and nothing to do with the well-meaning partythrowing mom, her child or mine. I was just deflating the jumping castle for everyone. I was allergic to my stressed-out selfish self. I couldn’t stop comparing. I compared my (visually impaired) son to the other (sighted) kids who could see the jungle gym and find their party packs. It just about killed me that he toddled about quietly – listening to the party. (At that stage, he didn’t notice or care that there was stuff going down and he wasn’t part of it. He was as
happy as any kid knee-deep in Nik Naks.) I compared myself (severely disabled in all things artistic) to the artsy-craftsy supermoms. The birthday cake always looked like something featured on Top Billing. This year my husband iced my son’s cake. Go figure. The personalised sweet buckets, hats and freebies would leave me cringing over my lame attempts at a Fizzer, a Chomp and a Liqui-Fruit in a brown paper bag. Birthday party comparisons made me feel pathetic and inferior. Sometimes I would briefly swap self-pity for arrogance. I would convince myself that these other moms had nothing better to do – nothing nobler –
than to create fabulous parties.
Measuring up, crumbling down Blogger Lisa-Jo Baker puts it well: ‘Comparisons will kick you in the teeth and hijack your dreams every time.’ Comparing punctures your confidence. It embezzles your energy and joy. It ruins relationships. It marshals its minions of pressure and tension. It gives the devil a foothold. You find yourself closing up, pretending, boasting, avoiding, seething, making stupid financial choices and so many other totally un-beautiful things.
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RENEW
‘IF I HAD WHAT SHE HAD...’
RENEW RELAX
Maybe you’re okay with birthday parties. But maybe your debilitating comparisons are in another area. Like if you catch yourself thinking: She’s so much thinner than me. I wish we could spend tons of money on our home like they can. The way her husband looks at her… I wish I got that look sometimes. How come their kids are just brilliant at everything? Now she’s engaged and I’m still single. What’s she got that I don’t? Her baby walked at nine months! Mine’s not even crawling. I’d kill for a job like hers. Maybe if I had a PhD like her people would take me seriously. She’s got more followers on Twitter than Justin Bieber. What’s wrong with me? The Bible is littered with the debris of lives devastated by comparison. I’m talking real disasters. Saul compared his popularity to David’s; then tried to kill him. Jacob loved Joseph more than his other sons. The others compared themselves to Joseph then tried to kill him. (Like, is there a pattern here?) Sometimes the comparison catfight went both ways. Rachel compared herself to Leah (who could have kids). Leah compared herself to Rachel (who was pretty). The Pharisee compared himself to the tax guy. Epic fail. The disciples were always comparing and competing and jostling to be the favourite.
Jesus reckoned they should get over themselves and be like kids. Solomon (and Rudyard Kipling) said it years ago: comparing yourself to others will make you either bitter or arrogant. Either way, not pretty. And yet it’s so, so hard not to compare. What do we do?
Get perspective and give thanks Everyone is on a journey. And no journey is the same. God has different Kingdom plans for different people. He has shaped each of us for his purposes. That’s cause for celebration – and relief. You don’t have to be anyone but you. That’s why God made you, you. He longs to use you, as you. There are you-shaped spaces that only you can fill. Get busy filling them. Paul writes to the Galatians, ‘Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.’ (Galatians 6:4) Remember that there is other stuff happening in the lives of the people to whom you’re comparing yourself. And you wouldn’t necessarily like it. They might seem to have a job or a partner or a kid or a house or a body that you’d sell a kidney to have. But their lives aren’t perfect. Plato said we should be kind – because every person we meet is fighting a hard battle. And it’s true: if all the people I know threw their problems on a big heap,
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I’m pretty sure I would take one look at theirs and grab my own problems right back.
Thank God. For being the Potter who made your jar of clay just so (Romans 9:20-21). For how much he loves you. For the plans he has for your life. For where he has placed you. For the wealth of different people filling your life and for all that they bring. For opportunities to trust him in the face of others’ strengths and your weaknesses. For the chance to be happy with those who are happy and to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). And if you must…
Oh the places you’ll go! Like Jesus, leave your case in the hands of God, who always judges righteously (1 Peter 2:23). Live beyond the confines of comparison. Try it for a week. Stop comparing. See what happens. I’m guessing you’ll be radiant.
If you have to compare yourself to someone, compare
SOME HELPFUL READING ON THE SUBJECT: Compared to her...by Sophie de Witt “I am a recovering Compulsive Comparison Syndrome sufferer. It causes me to feel envy, despair, pride and superiority. It cuts away at my relationship with God, with my loved ones, and with myself. It has promised me contentment, and yet robbed me of it. And although I don’t know you at all, I’m fairly sure you have CCS, too. That’s not meant to sound rude. It’s just that I’ve rarely met a woman who doesn’t struggle with it.” In her recently launched book, Sophie de Witt honestly reveals the causes and effects of destructive comparisons in her own life, and encourages women to spot the syndrome and effects in their CBD HAVE ONE COPY UP FOR GRABS FOR A own lives, as well as investigate the view of life that causes it; LUCKY READER... how the gospel treats it; and how one can move beyond it to email nicole@radiantmag.co.za live a life of true, lasting contentment. Compared to her will be available at Christian Book Discounters (CBD) from November and is available in Kindle Edition on Amazon for £6.19.
with “Compared to her” in the subject line. Competition closes 31 December 2012.
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RENEW
“Everyone is
If you tend to be on the flip on a journey. side of comparison – if you’re And no journey the person that others envy – don’t get proud. It makes you is the same.” ugly. And it puts people off Jesus. Remember Paul’s words: ‘What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?... Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.’ (1 Corinthians 4:7, Romans 12:3)
yourself to Jesus. Being like him is all that really matters, not so? Living out loud to be everything he created you to be will bring such deep peace and delicious pleasure – such immense fulfilment – that it won’t even occur to you to compare yourself to your friends, your colleagues or anyone else. In fact you’ll enjoy these people like never before.
LOOKING IN THE MIRROR and reflecting on what a healthy self-image really means...
By Kate Motaung
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“Nobody likes me,” she sobs. “I’m too shy. Whenever I’m around other people, nobody even notices me. I’m too much of an introvert and will never be popular. My selfesteem is non-existent. ”How do we, as Christian women, help a friend at a time like this? What is at the root of her problem?
W
ould it be in her best interest for us to try to boost her view of herself? Would we be doing our friend a service to make her feel better about herself for the time being, or would that only be a temporary plaster that would inevitably come off in a day or two?
But isn’t there always the temptation to update our status in a way that will draw attention to ourselves? We want to be loved, to be noticed, to be liked.
Let’s be honest, most of us have experienced a similar situation, haven’t we? If not with a friend, perhaps we’ve even had similar thoughts and feelings ourselves.
We post about how miserable we’re feeling, either physically or emotionally, so that people will feel sorry for us and make us feel better about ourselves through public gushing. We post about how terrible our day has been so that our ‘friends’ will build us up and tell us that tomorrow will be better.
I know I’ve had days when I haven’t received a single e-mail or text message on my phone, and the temptation is there to mope about it and think to myself, “Nobody is thinking about me today.” But is it really about me?
Sugar-sprinkled egos Sadly, even in Christian circles recently, the pattern has been to focus on self rather than God, even if it is in subtle, sometimes unnoticeable ways. But where does this notion come from? Is it a biblical mandate, that we should sprinkle sugar on top of each other’s egos? In actual fact, the term ‘self-esteem’ only became popular as a result of the rise of psychology in the 1960’s. Now it’s a household term. Schools have entire curriculums based around the so-called importance of thinking highly of oneself. But even in the church, we have fallen for the scam. After all, don’t we all long to be built up, to be admired, to be made to feel worthy?
What’s your status? Take Facebook, for example. Facebook is fantastic, I love it - but it has its pros and cons. It’s an amazing way to stay in touch, to see photos, to encourage one another.
I know I’ve done it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve waited for my husband to come home from work so I could nudge him to notice my hard work and accomplishments of the day. As a family of five, our dirty laundry basket is almost never empty. So on the rare occasion that I actually do conquer the mountain of smelly socks and grass-stained pants, I want to be sure that he notices, so he can say, “Wow, well done!” (Okay, I’ll admit that there may have been one occasion where I
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A friend comes to you in tears. She has had a rough week, and everything seems to have climaxed as she pours out her emotions on your shoulder and seeks your support and encouragement.
RENEW RELAX posted my accomplishment on Facebook.) But why? So people will commend me? So I can get an emotional pat on the back? In truth, yes. I want to feel like I’m doing my job as a stay-at-home mom well, that my efforts actually pay off and don’t go unnoticed. But is that really what I need? Do I need to feel better about myself? How much do I rely on the comments and approval of others to boost my selfesteem? Is our view of ourselves determined by the way the world sees us, or do we look at ourselves through the lenses of God Himself, according to the truths of His Word?
A biblical image of self Every time we say or think to ourselves, “I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not skinny enough. I’m not funny enough. I’m not successful enough,” we are denying that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). We are disapproving of the Creator Himself. Who are we, as
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...instead of elevating ourselves, we should be elevating the only One to whom glory and praise is due. mere clay, to argue with the potter? We mustn’t forget that we were created by God, in His image. He knew exactly what He was doing when He knit us together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13); He didn’t make a mistake in the way that He uniquely designed and formed each one of us. But as much as we should remember our worth in God’s eyes, we shouldn’t neglect what’s inside – we are fallen, wretched sinners, desperately in need of God’s grace and mercy every hour of every day (Romans 3:23). We are completely incapable of doing anything good whatsoever, apart from the enabling of His Holy Spirit (Romans 3:10-12).
Sufficient grace In society today, the norm is to boast about our strengths, not our weaknesses. Take
arm wrestling, for example. Whenever my husband poses an arm-wrestling challenge to one of our kids, all three of them pile onto the table to be part of the action. But at the end of the match, who is boasting? Not the one who lost, that’s for sure. It’s against our nature to boast about our weakness. No, we take every opportunity to boast about our strength. But again, is this what we are taught to do in Scripture? In the book of 2 Corinthians, Paul writes about how the Lord gave him a thorn in his flesh to keep him from becoming conceited. Paul asked God three times to remove the thorn, but instead the Lord said to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). Notice the reason given for the provision of the thorn. Could it be that the Lord gives us weaknesses to keep us from becoming conceited? Paul went on to write, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in
insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
I know a couple that is very good at this. They are quick to admit their own faults, their weaknesses, their fallibility. They are quick to admit their need for grace on a daily basis. They don’t mope around like Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh, but they do consistently speak of their need for the Lord and His help. Like this couple, instead of elevating ourselves, we should be elevating the only one to whom glory and praise is due.
A healthy God-esteem The Bible is full of examples of men and women who thought they were ‘nobodies’ – in this day and age, we might be tempted to say they suffered from a low self-esteem. Take Moses, for example. When the Lord appeared to him in the burning bush, Moses formulated a series of questions and objections. Finally, he admits the root of his fear: “I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” How does God respond to Moses’ low view of himself? Does he lavish on the compliments and tell Moses he is wrong to think such things? Does he point out all of Moses’ positive qualities to overshadow the negative? No. Instead, He points to Himself and says, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD?” (Exodus 3:11) Then the Lord says to Moses, “Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say” (Exodus 3:12). I will help you. Isn’t that all we really need? The promise that the Lord will help us and be with us? Consider the account of Gideon in Judges 6, when God tells Gideon to go and save the people of Israel from the hand of the Midianites. Just like Moses, Gideon comes with an objection. “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family” (Judges 6:15). Again the Lord’s answer was the same. He did not say, “Don’t worry, Gideon, it’s okay that you’re small and weak. You have good qualities, too.” No, instead He assured Gideon with the same words He used with Moses: “I will be with you ...” (Judges 6:16). What a wonderful promise.
Portions of this article have been borrowed from a sermon preached by my husband, Kagiso Motaung, at The Message Church in Mowbray, Cape Town, in July 2012
So to answer our opening question, what do we do when our friend comes to us in tears because of her low view of self? What do we do when we struggle with our own feelings of inadequacy and need for approval? According to Scripture, it is not helpful or healthy to elevate ourselves or our friends for the sake of “feeling better.” Instead, we should be honest about our failings – we should boast about our weaknesses so that Christ may be exalted. If a friend comes to you in need of an ego massage, do her a favour and don’t give her one. Instead, paint her the most beautiful picture you possibly can of the glory and majesty of the One she serves. Elevate Him, not her. Help her to rest secure in His love, in His grace, in His mercy, in His presence, in His power, in His ability, in His promises … not in the need for approval from a hostile and fallen world.
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How often do we boast about our own weaknesses?
A PLAN OF ACTION
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Friends
will be friends
...right till the end, sang Freddie Mercury. But will they? What happens when things change? Radiant explores friendship across life stages, gender and the all-important salvation line to uncover some common challenges. By Nicole Cameron
Friendship ACROSS LIFE STAGES Finding a marriage partner, and having children, are wonderful blessings that God has created for his people to enjoy. But what if you’re the still-single friend watching your friend go through these significant life changes, each of which demand time, energy and head space. Is there still room for your friendship? “Firstly, I would prefer to call them life ‘contexts’, as stages seems to suggest a logical progression...and then if you remain single or childless it’s as though you’re not developing or progressing,” says Natasha, 32. “These transitions have definitely affected my friendships. One friendship has faded away considerably, initially due to being in very different ‘spaces’ when she was getting engaged and married. In retrospect, however, perhaps the transition revealed that what we actually had in common was too little to keep up a close friendship. My other friendships have successfully managed to bridge the life stage gap, and though they were a bit wobbly while readjusting to the new context, they have emerged just as strong.”
“I must admit I’ve really struggled with letting go with a friend who has found a life partner and we drift apart because her priorities have changed, says Mary, 28. “I still miss my friends very much. I sometimes feel resentful because I believe you can still find space in your life for people that matter to you, but I’ve never been married, so I’m not sure how realistic an expectation that is.” Mary adds that she does have some good friends who are married, but who still try to keep single
friends in their lives. “They tend to be couples who are both in ministry. They just have a great way of always keeping the communication lines open and have an open door policy for their single friends.”
THREE’S A CROWD Leigh, 35, says the reality is that when you’re single, your companionship comes from your friends, whereas when people get married their spouses fill that role. “I felt a sense of loss and I must admit I found it difficult to
Babies and children definitely open up a whole new can of dynamics for inter-stage friendships. “Just practically, it is difficult to maintain a conversation with my friends who are mothers,” says Leigh. “And you need to think about social activities differently, and even when it’s all arranged there’s the possibility that the baby may be ill etc.” Natasha says that it can be hard to find points of commonality, as your worlds are just so different. “Fortunately I have fallen in love with all these babies, which helps to make the friendship with the moms easier!”
BRIDGING THE GAP Changing relationship or life contexts changes friendships, and this is true for both parties. How can our actions and reactions help make this a smooth transition into a new phase and potentially even stronger friendship? “For the person “transitioning” it’s all about regular contact and honesty, and you need to take the initiative here, as your
friend will be unsure of how to approach you. If you can’t meet up as much, call your friend, or sms, do what it takes to make the other person feel like they are still needed, because they can’t really relate to your situation and are probably wondering if or how they can fit into your new life,” says Natasha. “For the person on the other side, you need to be honest with your friend about how you feel, else they might not even realise it. Don’t wait till you can barely talk anymore. Also, try to accept that they’re going through an exciting and busy time, and be genuinely happy for them.” Leigh says that it’s important for the person who’s not having the life event, to get involved in what her friend is going through. “Find out what’s happening and how you can help. Don’t isolate yourself because this will make you feel even worse; and there’s lots to learn from sharing those experiences.” In some cases, your friendships will drift, and that will be hard to accept. “It’s sad when this happens, but try to remain friendly if not friends, and invest your time and heart elsewhere,” ends Natasha. “But the great news is that the people who prioritise friendships will outlast any transitions, and the relationship will be all the richer for it.”
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rejoice while they were rejoicing, despite the biblical command,” she says. “I do feel that a lot depends on the person they married – sometimes you gain another friend, while in other cases you just feel like a third wheel. And I appreciate that it’s important for couples to focus on each other, especially during the first year of marriage.”
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Friendship ACROSS GENDER We’re brought up to develop friendships with members of both sex, and while the relationships are different, often the fresh perspective is what makes the rapport unique and fulfilling. Never far off from the topic of inter-gender friendships, however, is the question of appropriateness, particularly in Christian circles. So then, is it proper for Christian men and women, both single and married, to have close friendships across the gender line? “For me, my relationships with guys were really critical to my relationship with God,” says Hannah, 29. “I studied a course that was male-dominated and most of my close study friends were therefore male. They happened to be Christian men, who invited me to their cell group, where I came to know Christ and my life changed. So I do believe it is appropriate for single men and women to be close friends, but such friendships do need to be handled with care.”
FRIENDS WITH BOUNDARIES “One of my best (Christian) friends is a guy,” says Mary, 28. “It’s a wonderful relationship because it’s free from the drama that sometimes occurs in female friendships! But it’s also a tricky one. There’s a fine line between a warm, genuine care and respect for each other and romantic feelings.” Mary says there have been times in the past where they’ve had to manage developing expectations towards romance. To be prudent, she’s implemented physical barriers – she avoids seeing him too often or being alone with him too long. While they speak on the phone often, it’s not frequent enough to develop an emotional dependence. “These strategies give me peace of mind so that I can enjoy the great friendship I have with him. But I’m also aware that we won’t remain as close to each other if either of us gets married. I think it will be
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more appropriate for our spouses to be our closest confidant and ally.” Hannah agrees that she doesn’t think that a close inter-gender relationship independent of one’s spouse is the best idea. One the one hand, she says, a person can get an overly positive picture of the friend (not living with the person from day to day) and then measure their spouse against an impossible standard, which can be quite harmful to a marriage. On the other hand, the close emotional connection with the friend may become pronounced if the marriage becomes
“When one gets married it might be safer to meet up together as a group rather than see one’s opposite sex friend alone,” says Leigh. “Remember our command to always stay above reproach, and this includes what it may look like to others, regardless of how innocent the interaction may actually be.”
Friendship ACROSS THE SALVATION LINE You share rich memories, deep secrets and the ability to chat for hours on end, but if you don’t share Christ... can you still be best friends? “This is one I really battled with, having become a Christian at the age of 25, when my secular friendship circle was firmly established,” says Robyn, 31. “When I first told my best friend I’d started going to church, the information was fairly innocuous on both sides. My conversion was slow, and my grasp of the implications of the gospel gradual. But over time, the gulf began to widen...my increasing reticence and enjoyment of a night out drinking, my Christian boyfriend who I wasn’t going to sleep with before marriage, my dawning realisation that a career would never truly satisfy...not to mention the overarching news that we are all hellbound sinners in desperate need of a Saviour!” Robyn says that though her and her friend still call each other “best friends”, the reality is that their illusion is protected by the 10 000km’s that separate them between London and South Africa, and if they had to live in the same country their divergent lives would expose the reality of a friendship uprooted by the infiltrating truth of the gospel. “I pray for her often and would love more than anything to see her come to Christ.”
MISSIONARY FRIENDSHIP Mary agrees that this has been a tough one for her, and that for the most part her friendships with non-Christians have cooled off significantly, mostly because she doesn’t have much to share with them anymore and because her life has become more centred on church activities. “But I’m not entirely happy with this. One of my university friends, who wasn’t a Christian, recently passed away in a car accident. We hadn’t been close for many years, but I never made an effort to see her, and was filled with
sadness and regret that she died unsaved, and that I missed an opportunity to share the gospel with her.” While friendship is a great platform for evangelism, Hannah feels that these friendships will always be shallower, as one will never get to experience the joys of praying together, supporting each other’s spiritual journey and exchanging advice salted with truth. “In friendships with non-Christians it’s critical to be fearless with regards to your faith – Jesus is the most important person in your life and this is an awesome truth,” she advises. Indeed, Jesus is the best friend we’ll ever have and this awesome truth can sometimes come at the cost of our earthly friendships. Working out which friendships to persevere with and which to walk away from can only be gleaned from wisdom, and thank God that He promises to give this to us when we ask, as well as comfort to heal the hurts when friends fail us.
EXTRA READING: What happens when friends fail you? http://www.desiringgod.org/ blog/posts/more-thoughts-onfriends-who-fail-you
*names have been changed throughout the article.
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slightly rocky, and that spells big problems. “When both partners aren’t friends with the guy/girl, these effects just become amplified. The short answer: Try and avoid it if you possibly can – your marriage is just too valuable; for you and before God.”
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RE-LEARNING
EDUCATION When it comes to schooling options for our children, have we really put our thinking to the test? There’s no doubt that choosing formal education for your child is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. During their school-going years, children are very impressionable and the thousands of hours in the classroom will have a lasting impact. Much wisdom is needed to make a good choice and as Christians we want to consider not only our own hopes and dreams, but also what God wants for them. Our thinking must therefore have an eternal perspective, informed by the Bible. By Susan Keegan 27
Old school Fortunately the Bible is not silent about education. Christian parents should bring up their children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4) and ensure that they are not “conformed to the pattern of this world” but transformed by the renewing of their minds (Rom 12:2). Historically, the church took these instructions seriously and applied them to school as well as home and church life. Reformation leaders like Calvin and Luther did as much to transform society through Christian schools as they did through reforming the church. However when church-sponsored schools, which were once the norm, were replaced by state-sponsored schools, a biblical approach to all education began to wane. The kind of training and instruction that resulted in renewed minds was removed from the public arena and replaced by philosophies which exclude God. Today it is hard to think “Christianly” about the ordinary business of everyday life because our thinking has been shaped
by the education that such philosophies produced. It’s no surprise that philosophy influences education, because both deal with the same things – thinking and knowing. Philosophy is the theory, education is the practice. Every philosophy seeks to answer questions about the nature of God and man, truth and destiny and then presents the answers through the curriculum, methods and goals of its educational system. We should therefore be aware that education is never “neutral”; it is always informed by a philosophy which may or may not support Christian principles.
What’s the substance? This is the danger the apostle Paul highlighted when he wrote “see to it that no-one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of the world rather than on Christ” (Col 2:8). Hollow and deceptive philosophy is not confined just to religion but is powerfully transmitted through education. If a
false system of thinking and knowing can take our children captive, and keep them from wholehearted service to Jesus, we need to sit up and take notice. We should question the philosophy behind any educational system and establish if it is “hollow and deceptive”? For example, Waldorf schools are informed by anthroposophy. The founder, Rudolph Steiner, believed that children are spiritual beings, with a body and soul. He developed a curriculum that would teach children to appreciate beauty and discover truth. He included teaching about Jesus and Bible stories and emphasised the role of teachers in helping children fulfil their unique destiny. At first sight, it seems that Waldorf education supports Christian values but if you dig deeper you will find profound differences. The Christ of anthroposophy is a spiritual Christconsciousness, not Jesus Christ of the gospels. Bible stories are included in the curriculum as fables, no different from Norse legends, Greek mythology
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The true object of all education is the glory of God. Jay Adams, in his excellent book Back to the Blackboard writes “When every aspect of the learning process is subordinated to pleasing God by loving Him and one’s neighbour ... education and learning may become an exciting and profitable enterprise. Apart from that, in many ways it is idolatry.” So before we ask about academic standards, resources, sports coaching and school fees, important as these are, we must first think about God’s purpose and priorities.
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and African folk tales. Beauty and truth are presented as proof of the power and goodness of Nature rather than evidence of a glorious Creator. The child’s unique destiny is self-determined, not ordained by God. All these beliefs find expression in the curriculum and teaching methods, subtly contradicting Christian beliefs about God, Jesus, the Bible, man, creation and eternity. This is why many Christian parents do not choose Waldorf education.
Thorough examination To be fair though, we should not only interrogate “alternative” schools. What about the philosophy of “normal” schools? If there is a risk associated with one false philosophy, what about another? Can secular humanism also take us captive? There are several difficulties involved in assessing secular humanism. Firstly, all forms of secularism claim to be religiously neutral. This is a dangerous deception. Simply by excluding God from the classroom, humanism implies that God and the Bible are irrelevant to the world of education and work. Children from Christian homes may develop a dual mindset - Christian when it comes to “spiritual” matters but secular in everything else. This produces “Sunday Christians” whose regular lifestyle is hardly different from that of their atheist and agnostic peers. Secondly, most of us attended secular schools and so our own thinking has been shaped by the very thing we want to critique. As the Chinese proverb says, “If you want to know about water, don’t ask a fish”. Finally, there are so many different forms of secular humanism that it is hard to keep up, especially here in South Africa where our schools have had four curriculum changes in two decades. Twenty years ago, materialism was a dominant influence; today schools are driven by a progressive, socialist agenda. These affect classroom practice in different ways. Materialism teaches that only matter is real and truth can only be known scientifically. A materialist curriculum emphasises maths, science and technology above the humanities. This led to schools lowering their expectations in languages, abandoning classic texts and reducing funding for art and music. Progressivism assumes that children are essentially good and wise; therefore they do not need adult correction or instruction. Progressive teachers do not teach; they facilitate and assess. Their child-centred classrooms are arranged in groups, with the “learners” facing each other instead of the teacher. Socialism views truth as a social construct; therefore children must discover truth through shared experience
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and group work. Instead of the teacher “imposing” discipline, the group self-regulates through social approval and disapproval. The socialist curriculum emphasises involvement in causes (e.g. environmentalism, human rights, gender issues) to effect social change, but neglects basic skills and content. These are just a few obvious examples of how secular philosophy plays out in classroom practice. Both explicitly and implicitly, it contradicts biblical views on God, man, sin, authority, spirituality, truth and the meaning of life.
Cracks beneath the surface The problem of secular humanism does not end with state schools. Because it is still the dominant philosophy of universities and colleges, it is difficult to find teachers who have not been trained in secular principles of education. Even Christian schools struggle to eradicate these influences. If you are considering a Christian school it is important to ask if there are structures in place to train their teachers in a biblical philosophy of education. They should be affiliated to an overseeing body like Ambleside Schools International or ACSI Southern Africa. These provide professional training, support and accountability to help Christian schools fulfil their purpose effectively. This brief examination of
expectations. Since then, there has been a steady erosion of standards, both academic and moral. Today when parents look around for a Christian alternative to the attractive, subsidised schools in their neighbourhoods, with beautiful buildings, grassy fields and a range of extra-murals, they find few options. Either no Christian school at all, or a struggling Christian school with poor facilities and a limited programme, or an expensive school with similar facilities at twice the price. Why would they choose any of them? Perhaps the question must be answered with another question: Is our time, money and effort best spent supporting a
school system which is fundamentally opposed to God, or should we throw in our lot with other believers who are trying to build affordable, attractive Christian schools? Should we choose the local school, where “making a difference” is limited to personal evangelism, perhaps influencing one or two families because our kids made friends with their kids? Or should we make a lasting impact on society by building schools where education is seen as a means for the Holy Spirit to bring students into fellowship with God, to develop a Christian mind and to train them in godly living, so that they fulfil God’s total purpose for their lives both personally and vocationally?
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the agenda behind modern education reveals a very real threat. Although the threat may be kept at bay for a little longer, the cracks are beginning to show. Throughout the Western world, secularism is undermining societies once built on Christian principles. The temptation is to bury our heads in the sand, try to make the best of it, and hope that our own kids get through before things turn really bad. That has unfortunately been the response of many parents, especially those who had access to ex-model C schools. When Curriculum 2005 came in, they calculated the dates and breathed a sigh of relief if their children were not affected. Then came the next curriculum change, and they adjusted their
HOW TO ADD SOME SPARK TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND AVOID THE “DRAGONS” Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson responds to common questions asked by couples...
Q
My husband and I love each other very much, but we’re going through a time of apathy. We just don’t feel close to each other. Is this normal, and is there a way to bring back the fire?
A
This happens sooner or later in every marriage. A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails for a period of time. Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the doldrums. The doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean certain death for the entire crew. The ship’s food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course. Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. Author Doug Fields, in his book Creative Romance, writes, “Dating and romancing your spouse can change those patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There’s no quick fix to a stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses and begin to date your sweetheart.” In fact, you might want to try thinking like a teenager again. Let me explain.
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Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days - the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow-up and leave the game-playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we’d like to think. In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase; the lure of the unattainable; excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear. This could help you keep
If it all sounds a little immature to act like a teenager again, just keep this in mind: in the best marriages, the chase is never really over!
Q
Would you identify some of the major “marriage killers” that are most responsible for the high divorce rate that plagues today’s families? Any one of the following “dragons” can rip a relationship to shreds if given an opportunity to do so: Overcommitment and physical exhaustion This condition is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, study and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriages fall apart. The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent Pay cash for consumable items or don’t buy. Don’t spend more on a house or a car than you can afford, leaving too little resources for dating, short
trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with wisdom. Selfishness There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks. Unhealthy relationships with in-laws If either the husband or wife have not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers and fathers to grant. Unrealistic expectations Some couples come into marriage anticipating rosecovered cottages, walks down primrose lanes and unmitigated joy. There is no way a marriage between two imperfect human beings can deliver on that expectation. Space invaders My concern is for those who violate the “breathing room” needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way the phenomenon manifests itself. Another is a poor self-concept, which leads the insecure spouse to build a cage around the other. It often suffocates the relationship. Love must be free and it must be confident. Sexual frustration and its partner, the greener grass of infidelity It is a deadly combination! Business collapse Failure in work does bad things to men, especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes sublimates to anger within the family. Business success It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it
is to fail miserably in business. King Solomon wrote: “Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread” (Proverbs 30:8). It’s true. Alcohol and substance abuse These are notorious killers, not only of marriages but also of the people who indulge excessively. Pornography, gambling and other addictions It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. During an introductory stage, people think they can tamper with various enticements, such as pornography, gambling, hard drugs, etc., without being hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there is a weakness and vulnerability that is unknown until too late. Such people then become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family. This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I’ve made a twenty-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately ends in death . . . or the death of a marriage. This article is with kind permission from Focus on the Family Africa. Copyright © 2011 Focus on the Family. Tel: +27 31 716 3300 or visit www.safamily.co.za.
These questions and answers are excerpted from books authored by Dr. James Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers. Copyright 1997 James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
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vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain? Or re-reading those old love letters together? A night in a nearby hotel? Roasting marshmallows by an open fire? A phone call in the middle of the day? A long stem red rose and a love note? There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.
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REFLECT she says. Anthea was so heart sore that she made sure she was not booked next to anyone she knew on the flight out. Then a young girl asked her if she minded swapping seats and so she ended up sitting next to the mission leader for the flight home, and pouring out her pain and frustration to him. The mission leader concluded the conversation with a smile, saying that those who taste of the Nile will taste again. “The big lesson I’d learnt was not to romanticise mission – when God calls us He never says it will be easy! And so with weeping and more stirring Anthea put her trust in God and committed to return for a six-month trial period. “Again God made the impossible a reality and in 2010, seven years after my first Egypt dream, I arrived in Cairo, to be used of God,” she says.
if I could pray with them, I would even read from the Scriptures to answer some questions; this led to many tears at times, but I was also guarded, realising that friendship evangelism can take many years as people need to see the evidence through your life.” Life in Egypt was, as she expected, not easy. “The noise level is intense, so you never really sleep and
Life on mission
this leaves you exhausted.
She quickly settled into a flat near an evangelical church
The pollution level is so
and began Arabic language studies, realising that learning
high that you tend to get
the language opened up trust from the locals and that the
throat infections,” she
language school was a mission field in itself. “God gave me
says. In addition to this
many opportunities. I volunteered with a Christian Egyptian
are the traffic jams, being
group of artists who worked with street children, and so I
stared at as a foreigner, and
taught art on Saturday mornings. I also built relationships
getting used to transient
with local artists from my neighbourhood and through a local
friendships as many visitors
photographic club. I made two really special friends, both
pass through the church
Muslims, and I could share my life with them.”
needing hospitality or
You are allowed to be a Christian in Egypt but you may not
encouragement. Anthea
share the Gospel. Anthea says she had many opportunities
found it vital to become part
where she was asked questions about her life, faith or why
of a church body in order
she was there and she would always answer through her
to be held accountable for
testimony or the Word; using it as an opportunity to point
being in the Word, getting
to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. “I would ask
fed and being part of prayer
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and fellowship groups. “Trust me, when you are there you never feel like it – you constantly want to sleep or hide away because even getting spiritual food is hard. But God is faithful – every now and then I would hit a low and at that precise
REFLECT
MIDDLE EAST STORIES
The Cairo Trilogy (Naguib Mahfouz) – These three volumes (Palace Walk, Palace of Desire, Sugar Street) tell the story of a middle-class Egyptian family, and provide an excellent introduction to Middle Eastern culture.
time I would get a text message from a prayer warrior back home. God showed me, yet again, that He knows our every need.”
God of miracles Anthea says the spiritual highlights far outweighed the lows, given the number of opportunities she was given to shine for God’s glory. In a country where access to the Word is difficult, God shows His power in awesome ways not common in our Western context – dreams, visions, physical manifestations… whatever it takes. Anthea gives just one example, as related by a friend who was witness to a Christian company in Cairo being ambushed by a group of angry protestors in the middle of the night during the recent uprisings. The Muslim neighbours came out and witnessed that as the group got closer they got to the point where they could go no further – it was described as if there was an invisible wall. “The mob just lowered their weapons and walked away. The neighbours testified that the Christian God had protected His house!” Anthea has just completed a year of Arabic back in South Africa and is starting to make plans to return to Egypt for long-term service. Even though she knows how tough it was, she’s walking by faith not by sight, and her heart wants to return to her Beloved. Her parting words, “be open to what and where God is inviting you to be used. He doesn’t need you to respond to a stirring in your heart, but if you ignore it you’ll miss the blessing.”
I Dared to Call Him Father: The Miraculous Story of a Muslim Woman’s Encounter with God is the fascinating true story of Bilquis Sheikh, a prominent Muslim woman in Pakistan whose unusual journey to a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ turned her world upside down.
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REFRESH RELAX
FESTIVE
Nibble
Christmas is a time of giving and sharing and thankfulness (and of course the birth of a rather important person). Most people celebrate with a Christmas style dinner or lunch. Generally the meal will have some sort of meaty centre stage, roasted veggies of sorts and sauces, stuffings and puddings. By Lara Demnitz
H
owever, before the feasting begins, there are the entrÊes and the nibbles which come before. These, very often, are not homemade, because the cook needs to devote time to slaving over the golden turkey! These snacky things can range from pies, pastries, cakes and tarts to nuts, cheeses, dried fruit and salty things. More often than not these little snacks are pretty filling in themselves and quite high in fat, sugar and salt. If you want to avoid feeling bloated over the festive season (and consequently not having to make that New Year’s resolution to lose holiday season poundage) try your hand at making some of these snacks. Switch to making your own water biscuits and avoid the over-salted and high cholesterol biscuits and pies. Spice your own nuts to guarantee freshness and nutritional value. And lastly learn to make Christmas caramel popcorn, with the fraction of the amount of fat found on store bought caramel corn.
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Biscuits and cheese form a large part of my family’s take on Christmas snacks. These biscuits are very easy to make and can be made into any shape you want. They can be kept for two weeks in an airtight biscuit tin. I used Rosemary in these; you can also use fresh thyme, or lavender, finely grated parmesan or mature cheddar cheese, or spices such as chilli, paprika, nutmeg etc. Makes 25 - 30 biscuits 200g cake flour a large pinch of baking powder 2 teaspoons fresh or 1 tsp dried rosemary, finely chopped. 50g butter, cubed 8T cold water 1/2 teaspoon salt flakes
Preheat oven to 180°C. Place the flour, salt and baking powder in a bowl.
Cut the butter into small pieces, and rub it into the flour. Add the finely chopped or crumbled rosemary. Add the water, and mix to form a dough.
Roll the dough out very thinly - about 3-5mm, and cut into squares, or use a cutter for shapes.
Place the biscuits onto a tray, and bake until lightly browned - from 5 - 10 minutes depending on size. The biscuits will harden when they cool. Top with your choice of toppings and serve immediately.
Suggested toppings: Smoked snoek paté and rocket Pepper ham and Ina Paarman’s peach & apricot chutney.
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REFRESH RELAX
Rosemary WATER BISCUITS
Toasted
SPICED NUTS More often than not, roasted nuts in the shop are not very fresh, and they can even be deep fried. Your best bet is to get fresh raw nuts from a reputable seller and toast them yourself! Toasting nuts is very easy and quick. Plus you can top any type of nuts with your favourite spices and herbs to create your own flavour combinations. In this recipe I used almonds, and kept their skins on for flavour. For more combinations: Use fresh raw seeds as well: pumpkin, flax and sunflower are delicious when toasted. Use a little bit of honey for sticky caramel nuts Ground dried olives and tomatoes will make a delicious Mediterranean flavour. Try a splash of soy and fresh ginger for an Asian inspired flavour Serves 4-6 200g fresh nuts 1 teaspoon olive oil 2 Tablespoons paprika 1 Tablespoon chilli and garlic spice
Heat a large frying pan on the stove. When it feels hot, add the nuts.
Move them around in the pan until they start to brown. They can burn very quickly, so keep the pan moving.
Drizzle over the olive oil, and sprinkle over the spices.
Allow to toast for a few more seconds to cook the spices, and then remove from the heat, leave to cool, and serve.
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Festively SPICED CARAMEL POPCORN
This popcorn is spiced with cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg, giving it a Christmassy flavour, and has a surprisingly small amount of butter. Because I drizzle the corn, rather than coat every popcorn cloud with the caramel, it has less of a crunch so is denturefriendly, and less sweet than the store bought options. Don’t be tempted to cook the caramel to a dark brown colour. This will give it a burnt taste. Feel free to add chopped chocolate, dried cranberries and dried fruits to the popcorn, or even more salt for a salted caramel flavour which will make it taste even more delicious. Serves 4-6 For the popcorn: 125g (1/4 bag) of popcorn kernels 1 tsp oil
before putting on the lid. When the first kernels start to pop, shake the pot around to evenly distribute the kernels.
Bring to the boil, and boil for five minutes. The syrup will foam, and turn from light to medium golden brown.
For the caramel: 50ml honey 70ml water 140ml white sugar 5ml vanilla essence 5ml cinnamon
When they start to pop vigorously, turn down the heat. Remove from the heat, when you have more than seven seconds between pops.
1ml cloves 2ml nutmeg 5g butter
Pop your corn before making the caramel: Heat a large heavy based pot on the stove. Add the oil and thinly coat the bottom of the pan. Pour in the kernels and wait for them to sizzle,
Spread the popcorn onto a lightly oiled pan. Make sure that they are tightly packed together. For the caramel: Place the sugar, water and honey into a high-walled pot. Stir well over a medium heat until all the sugar grains have dissolved.
When it gets sticky, and forms strings from the spoon, remove from the heat and add the butter and spices. Mix well, and pour lightly over the popcorn in zig zags. *If the caramel falls in large globules onto the pan, you will have large blobs of hard caramel which will make it hard to chew - so pour lightly over using a spoon if it’s easier*
Leave to harden for a few seconds, and using a clean spoon, mix the popcorn around to form clusters, or even roll together to form balls.
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RELAX
Make your own
RUBBER STAMPS In an ideal world, we’d all have oodles of time for crafting, especially around Christmas and the summer holidays. Alas! Whether it’s work, kids or the house that keeps us busy, very few of us can afford to while away our time at a craft station, glue gun in hand. Yet you don’t have to abandon all hope of a crafty Christmas: with this quick, easy and very cheap project, you can still add that personal touch to your Christmas cards, gift tags and stocking fillers. By Carin Bevan
YOU WILL NEED
Erasers
Set of lino cutters
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Piece of paper to draw your design on. (You can draw your design straight onto the eraser, but remember to do it in mirror image.)
Pencil
Inkpads
Black marker (optional)
Your design. For your first stamp, choose a simple design with basic shapes, bold lines and not too much detail, for example a heart or – perfect for Christmas – a star.
Once you’re more confident with the lino cutters, you may want to experiment with more detailed designs.
STEP 5
Using the craft knife, cut the eraser to the size you want your stamp to be.
Test the stamp with your inkpad. This will make it easier to see where you still need to cut more. (Note: if you plan to give the stamps as a gift, you may not want to make it full of ink!)
STEP 2 On a piece of paper the same size as your eraser, draw your design (or trace it from a picture you got from a magazine or the internet)
STEP 6 When you’re satisfied, you can draw the design on the back of the stamp with permanent marker.
STEP 3 Put the piece of paper face down on the eraser and rub the back of the paper with your pencil. This will transfer your design to the eraser.
STEP 7 Stamp away! Use the stamps on Christmas cards and gift tags.
STEP 4 Begin cutting! Use your lino cutters to cut away the parts that’ll be left blank on the stamp.
Or put a few stamps together with a little inkpad in a nice bag or box for a unique, cute and cheap stocking filler.
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RELAX
STEP 1
Debbie Burt,
REDEEM
who founded the organisation Arise in 2005, has a bold vision, along with her team: to help empty every children’s home in Cape Town, and indeed South Africa, by promoting foster care and the adoption of children, and to keep them empty by helping local churches strengthen existing families. It was an awesome task for the young British theology graduate, who returned to South Africa at the age of 23, convicted that the Lord’s work for her was to fight for the plight of vulnerable children in the city. Under the guidance and support of a suburban church, Debbie began working in partnership with a church in Heideveld in the Cape Flats, and set up kids clubs, homework clubs and various educational support and therapeutic services to serve children in an area rife with social problems due to poverty,
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Debbie and her son Likhona
RISING UP TO MEET THE CHALLENGE substance abuse and gang violence.
expression of God’s dream come true.
GOD’S DREAM FOR CHILDREN
Debbie says that her biggest challenge along the way was changing the perception that the number of vulnerable children in South Africa meant the need for more Christian places of safety/children’s homes. “Research firmly shows that community-based approaches to children were much more effective and sustainable in the long-term, but the work is definitely more complex in many ways. Getting others to see the foster-
Today, the Arise Family Centre, which was built on St Thomas’ church premises in Heideveld and opened in 2010, forms the hub of this ever-growing ministry, which has ten full-time employees and a healthy complement of volunteers. The team is driven by the belief that God desires families for children and that a loving, supportive, stable family environment is a tangible
care/adoption vision was initially difficult, but this has changed,” she says.
GROWING AND REACHING Arise have begun holding adoption conferences, which enable them to reach out to a lot of interested people at one time, and give them much-needed and wellresearched information on adoption. While initially just in Cape Town, the conference has also recently been held in Johannesburg. As for Debbie, she now spends her days being full-time mum to her three children, Likhona, Ilana and Malachi, and has handed over most of her administrative duties to the Arise team. “My portfolio on the Board is to think about adoption support for Christians in our local churches. I do a lot of that thinking simply by raising and closely observing my own adoptive/foster children, and meeting over coffee with prospective adoptive parents in our home.” With regards to future developments at Arise, Debbie says the interventions team are working hard to identify the obstacles to permanency for children currently living in
REDEEM RELAX
Debbie says that five years ago, when her and her husband Alun personally began the foster-care journey, they knew of very few other families doing the same. But in the past 18 months they have witnessed several friends and ministry colleagues bringing children into their homes. “If you pushed me, I could probably name between 30-40 children now in Christian families,” she says. “We still have some way to go in making adoption normal in some communities, particularly in the Cape Flats where many children are cared for in informal arrangements or taken in by family members.” children’s homes. She says that the hope is to spend a couple of years thoroughly researching the reasons why children wait so long in institution care and then to begin working towards getting more children into longer-term families (be it in foster care, reunited with family or adopted) timeously. “This is a mammoth task and, as in all things, we will need God’s grace.”
Find out more about Arise’s work at www.arisecapetown.org.za
ARISE PRAYER POINTS Children who wait (often for years) in children’s homes, without their cases being properly looked at Social workers who are overworked; many of whom strive for excellence but are unable to give each case what they wish to Christians on the adoption journey Arise’s permanency programme More churches to understand and buy in to the foster-care/adoption vision Birth parents who have undoubtedly been through immensely challenging situations
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RELAX
Author interview: Sophie de Witt Radiant chats to Sophie about her latest book, Compared to her...
Q
What inspired you to write on the subject of comparing ourselves to others?
It was my own struggle with what I have termed “Compulsive Comparison Syndrome” (CCS) that primarily motivated me to write this book – growing up, I was the middle daughter of three feisty girls, so that didn’t help matters. I got the chance to speak on the subject at a few women’s events in 2010 and it seemed to touch a nerve with so many women, both there and in my daily conversations. The more I wrestled biblically with the subject, the clearer it became to me that the gospel has real practical help to offer CCS sufferers like me, and I was encouraged by friends to put my thoughts on paper, as there appeared to be a lack of material specifically engaging with the issue of comparison and rivalry.
Q
How has God challenged you personally through the writing of this book?
Oh boy! There’s nothing like “naming and shaming” a sin to intensify your own battle against it! It has been quite a hard process to analyse the depths and layers of my own sinful heart on this issue – and others – and see how very ugly it is. It’s all about wanting to be at the centre, and I’ve seen more clearly than ever how incredibly proud I really am and how much I still trust in worldly things for my significance, satisfaction and security (like I know I’m going to have to fight the temptation to not let book sales figures or feedback affect my sense of significance in any way!). Positively, I have found myself growing in contentment in Christ as a result of the thinking and praying I’ve been doing – it’s been so liberating to grasp that it is in Him alone that we find true and lasting blessing, for this life and eternity. So, overall it’s been a great opportunity to grow in Christlikeness – which is always both a wonderful and a jolly hard experience, isn’t it?!
Q
What do you enjoy doing in your spare time, when you are not working?
We’ve just adopted a gorgeous one-year-old boy called Joseph (just as the book writing came to an end, thankfully), so our three little ones keep me pretty busy. Do play-dates count as a “spare time” activity? I don’t really have any hobbies – but
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I’m not going to say that makes me feel inadequate (like I used to!); it’s just who I am and where I’m at right now. We do like watching tv/dvd series for evening down-time, and we are part of a wonderful community of believers who we are committed to and who enrich our lives immeasurably.
Q
Are you working on any new material at present, now that your second book has hit the shelves? (Sophie has also published One-to-One: A discipleship handbook) No! I’m enjoying focusing on settling Jo Jo into our family, and trying to catch up with a back-log of admin. Having said that, we are prayerfully considering whether my husband Chris should write/ co-write a men’s version of the book, so would appreciate readers’ prayer for wisdom on that front.
RELAX
SOME enriching HOLIDAY READS GIRL MEETS GOD by Lauren Winner This is the account of a Jewish girl on a journey to ask honest questions about Jesus and who is prepared to believe the hard answers that follow – a decision that cost her dearly. The book is absorbing, humorous, authentic and full of insight into the mind of a Jewish seeker and shares a year in the author’s new life as a Christian. WIN! Christian Book Discounters (CBD) has one copy of Girl Meets God to give away. Simply email your name and address to nicole@radiantmag.co.za with “Girl Meets God” in the subject line.
THE FREEDOM OF SELF-FORGETFULNESS by Tim Keller In this short 40-page book Tim Keller shows that gospel humility means we can stop connecting every experience or conversation with ourselves and can be free from self-condemnation. A truly gospel humble person, he says, is not a self-hating person or a self-loving person, but a self-forgetful person...and that freedom is ours to be taken.
WHEN PEOPLE ARE BIG AND GOD IS SMALL by Edward Welch Another book that delves into the issue of biblical esteem, Welch defines fear of man as the root cause of our need for other’s approval. The cure? Fear God more, love other people less; delivered with practical applications in order to grow in this area.
Christmas Box Drive 2012 If you are in the Cape Town area, support the organisation featured this issue, Arise, by assembling gift boxes for vulnerable children, filled with stationery, toiletries and gifts. Arise will distribute the boxes to children’s homes and those in need in Heideveld and Khayelitsha. To get your church involved, contact Elaine Mullins (elaine@arisecapetown.org.za) who will arrange collection by 25 November.
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COLUMN
O
ur family’s Christmas traditions snag the majority of my Top Ten Favourite Childhood Memories. Growing up in Michigan, we almost always enjoyed a white Christmas.
Our traditions began the day after Thanksgiving, when we would put on our warmest gloves and trek out to find the perfect Christmas tree. My mom and I would have a go with the saw before handing over the useless tool to my sister, who would inevitably have the tree felled in one swift motion – all because of my strenuous hacks that made the tree so ready to fall, of course. Putting the lights on the tree was a nightmare, so I claimed an allergic reaction and gave my mom and sister the honours. After all, I had to save my energy to prance through the house belting out Celine Dion’s “Christmas Eve” while my sister did the same from her step stool stage next to the half-lit tree. A year didn’t pass without my sister and I flinging fistfuls of flour at each other during the baking of our famous cut-out Christmas cookies. On Christmas Eve we would crowd around the dining room table to dip our colour-coded fondue sticks into the sputtering oil. Then we would head to church, where we each held our own candles as we sang “Silent Night” amidst a full congregation worshipping the incarnate King. Afterwards, in the frigid parking lot, we would squeal and skate over the ice-covered tarmac with our slippery church shoes.
A season
By Kate Motaung
For Tradition Christmas morning brought the anticipation of diving into wrapping paper and Grandma’s cheesy potato bake and pink applesauce. Then came board games and incessant laughter at Dad’s house in the afternoon. Traditions. They shaped so much of my upbringing. Yet what was their purpose? Why did we do what we did? These are questions I asked myself when my own children were born, and I found myself in a foreign country at Christmas time – a foreign country in the southern hemisphere, without the faintest hope of a single flake of snow falling within months of Jesus’ birthday. What traditions should I pass on to my own kids, and why? In 2010, I had the privilege of attending a talk by Noël Piper on the topic, “Treasuring God in our Traditions.” She spoke about how as Christians, our traditions ought to remind us of God’s amazing grace in redemptive history, what He has done for us in the past, and what He promises us for the future. I decided then and there that I wanted to cultivate new traditions for my own family – traditions that would have clear spiritual significance and show others that our family does things differently from the world, purely because of what Christ has done for us. Don’t get me wrong – we still bake the cookies
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and decorate the (fake) tree. But we also incorporate new traditions that help us focus on the reason for the season. One of my kids’ favourites is the advent calendar we make every year. Each is different, but the message is the same: Jesus is coming. With every window that is opened each morning leading up to Jesus’ birthday, we read a portion of Scripture that tells the story of His coming. By the end of four weeks, they know exactly what Christmas is all about. This December, though it may sound like a cliché, let’s not forget “the reason for the season”. Happy Christmas.