A8 TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2012 THE TIMES
Opinion
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◗ Opinion
Frozen head a solid winter plan I
just don’t like winter. Every year at this time the ads come on TV, advising me that this is the most wonderful time of the year (humbug!) and that I should get outside, tug on a toque, and smell the pine scented air, preferably from atop a pair of skis or skates purchased from one of my fine local retailers. Unfortunately, I’m only fond of “sports” which can be conducted somewhere warm and preferably dry. Online video games, Scrabble, and competitive sleeping are my favourite winter pursuits. Normally, I write about 15 extra columns and a few news stories (“Politicians made people mad” and “Criminals are dumb” can be written weeks in advance) and then go to sleep for two or three months. I’ve missed my deadline to start hibernating for the season. For the serious hibernator, the time to begin is late August/early September, when you should start your all peanut butter diet and begin lining your burrow with yak fur. Having forgotten to buy the peanut butter and embroiled in a lawsuit against a negligent yak fur vendor from Kathmandu, I am reluctantly moving on to Plan B. I’m going to have myself frozen until next spring. This is a bit pricey, but compared to the cost of three months of gas, food, car insur-
MATTHEW CLAXTON
the painful truth ance, rent, and power bills, it’s actually cheap. I do see the irony in having myself frozen to avoid the cold, but a bit of cryonic stasis will leave me thoroughly unconscious. As unconscious as you can get, since I’ll technically be dead. This is also a good way to get out of paying some taxes, FYI. In the spring, I’ll be bathed in a warm bath of goo by technicians who will zap my heart back to life and get me to sign all my government-mandated reanimation forms on the way out, certifying that I am indeed fully alive and that I do not crave the blood, flesh, and/or brains of the living. This year, I might save even more by having just my head frozen. It’s a lot cheaper to get the cocoanut lopped off and stored by itself. You need a lot less liquid nitrogen, and the head storage unit is the bachelor suite of cryonic holding facilities. I’m still trying to decide what to do with my body. I could rent it out, thus making a profit from my voyage
away from the land of the living. There are always UFC fighters looking for a sparring dummy, but I’d need them to certify that I’d get it back with all its bones intact. I could also attach a half-empty pickle jar to the neck hole and send it out on the sideshow circuit as “Picklo, the Man With the Pickle Jar Head.” But there are already two Picklos working the circuit, and they hate competition. The one from Wisconsin is pretty litigious, I’ve heard, and all my legal funds are tied up in Claxton versus Yak Emporium. Work as a crash test dummy, scarecrow, or life-sized game of Operation doesn’t pay as well as it used to. I blame all the outsourcing to headless bodies overseas. Whatever I wind up doing with it, by next March I’ll be ready to have my head sewn back on, and with the delicate nerve fibres in my spine reattached using Krazy Glue, I’ll be up and about again. Skipping winter is its own reward. No long, dark nights that never seem to end. No mornings spent scraping frozen crow poop off the car windshield. No fighting the crowds of mall zombies for Christmas presents. I’d rather go the pickle jar route. ■ Visit Matthew Claxton’s blog at tinyurl.com/7mwo2qj.
o doubt parents across Abbotsford, Mission, and much of the world held their children a little tighter following reports of Friday’s devastating school shooting in Newtown, Conn. For those following on Twitter, the events unfolded like a paralyzing nightmare: a school shooting but no children killed. Then a handful of children, then 10, 17, and finally, horrendously, 20. All in addition to six slain adults. Even now, days later, it’s impossible to comprehend. Children, 11 days from Christmas morning. Many would have already hung stockings for Santa. Imagine the 25th in Newtown’s homes peppered with half-eaten advent calendars and presents tagged with names now listed in the obituary pages instead of Sandy Hook Elementary’s Christmas concert program. Fortunately we’re blessed with different laws – and a different culture – when it comes to guns here in Canada. And while our enduring squabble over gun registry obviously shows we’re not all on the same page, most Canadians aren’t even holding the same book as a shocking number of locked-and-loaded Americans hiding behind their antiquated and likely misinterpreted Second Amendment. With our proximity to the U.S. and proclivity for cross-border shopping, America’s policies affect us directly. While we might not know what our politicians can do to assist, we can at least help them understand that restrictions on automatic weapons (to start) would only strengthen relationships with our southern cousins. In the meantime, mental illness is something we can act upon immediately. If you know of someone with extremely violent thoughts or urges, please look into the wealth of assistance offered through workplace programs, churches, or governmental agencies such as B.C.’s Department of Children and Family Development. But maybe, for now, just go ahead and squeeze your kids one more time.
■ To comment on this editorial, e-mail us at letters@abbotsfordtimes.com.
◗ Your view Last week’s question: Will the sluggish economy impact how much you spend this Christmas? 44 % a.] Yes. It’s not the right time for lavish spending.
9% b.] No. Christmas is not the time to penny pinch.
47% c.] Good economy or bad; I always have a set budget.
This week’s question: What kind of New Year’s resolution do you plan to make for 2013? a.] Lose weight. b.] Dump a bad habit. c.] Nothing at all – you can’t improve on perfection.
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