Philadelphia City Paper, December 19th, 2013

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Publisher Nancy Stuski Editor in Chief Lillian Swanson Senior Editor Patrick Rapa Arts Editor/Copy Chief Emily Guendelsberger Digital Media Editor/Movies Editor Paulina Reso Food Editor/Listings Editor Caroline Russock Senior Staff Writer Daniel Denvir Staff Writer Ryan Briggs Copy Editor Carolyn Wyman Associate Web Producer Carly Szkaradnik Contributors Sam Adams, Dotun Akintoye, A.D. Amorosi, Rodney Anonymous, Mary Armstrong, Meg Augustin, Bryan Bierman, Shaun Brady, Peter Burwasser, Mark Cofta, Alison Dell, Adam Erace, David Anthony Fox, Caitlin Goodman, K. Ross Hoffman, Deni Kasrel, Alli Katz, Gary M. Kramer, Drew Lazor, Gair “Dev 79� Marking, Robert McCormick, Andrew Milner, Annette Monnier, John Morrison, Michael Pelusi, Sameer Rao, Elliott Sharp, Marc Snitzer, Tom Tomorrow, John Vettese, Nikki Volpicelli, Brian Wilensky Editorial Interns John Corrigan, Taylor Farnsworth, Melvin Hayes, Sara Patterson, Brooks Phelps, Julie Zeglen Production Director Michael Polimeno Editorial Art Director Reseca Peskin Senior Designer Evan M. Lopez Editorial Designers Brenna Adams, Jenni Betz Staff Photographer Neal Santos Contributing Photographers Jessica Kourkounis, Mark Stehle Contributing Illustrators Ryan Casey, Don Haring Jr., Joel Kimmel, Cameron K. Lewis, Thomas Pitilli, Matthew Smith Human Resources Ron Scully (ext. 210) Circulation Director Mark Burkert (ext. 239) Sales & Marketing Manager Katherine Siravo (ext. 251) Account Managers Colette Alexandre (ext. 250), Nick Cavanaugh (ext. 260), Amanda Gambier (ext. 228), Sharon MacWilliams (ext. 262), Megan Musser (ext. 215), Stephan Sitzai (ext. 258) Office Coordinator/Adult Advertising Sales Alexis Pierce (ext. 234) Founder & Editor Emeritus Bruce Schimmel

citypaper.net 30 South 15th Street, Fourteenth Floor, Phila., PA 19102. 215-735-8444, Tip Line 215-735-8444 ext. 241, Listings Fax 215-875-1800, Advertising Fax 215-735-8535, Subscriptions 215-735-8444 ext. 235 Philadelphia City Paper is published and distributed every Thursday in Philadelphia, Montgomery, Chester, Bucks & Delaware Counties, in South Jersey and in Northern Delaware. Philadelphia City Paper is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. Additional copies may be purchased from our main office at $1 per copy. No person may, without prior written permission from Philadelphia City Paper, take more than one copy of each issue. Pennsylvania law prohibits any person from inserting printed material of any kind into any newspaper without the consent of the owner or publisher. Contents copyright Š 2013, Philadelphia City Paper. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. Philadelphia City Paper assumes no obligation (other than cancellation of charges for actual space occupied) for accidental errors in advertising, but will be glad to furnish a signed letter to the buying public.

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contents Cover story see p. 10

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Movies .........................................................................................21 Agenda........................................................................................23 Food ..............................................................................................32 COVER PHOTOGRAPH BY NEAL SANTOS DESIGN BY RESECA PESKIN

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thebellcurve CP’s Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ +5 ]

Hall and Oates will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Says Daryl Hall: “Today, I consider John Oates the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

[ -3 ]

Cedarbrook Middle School in Cheltenham announces it will finally close after a decade-long battle with mold. “You know, a lot of people told me this couldn’t be done,” says mold. “Stick to bread, they said. Know your place, they said. Well, today I’m proud to say that I am mold and my place is everywhere.”

[ -1 ]

Philly-based Urban Outfitters stops selling its controversial socks depicting the Hindu god Ganesh and apologizes. “But the four-pack of Vishnu mittens is staying, because how clever is that?”

[ -1 ]

A thief is seen on video spending 45 minutes firing a slingshot at the glass door of a Manayunk store so he could break in and steal $120 and a box of cigars. “Can’t wait to light one of these babies up,” he says, looking for two sticks.

[ 0]

[ -2 ]

After 20 years, popular radio station B101 FM announced it will change its name to MoreFM. If you like, you may still pretend that Teri Garr comes to Philly just to listen to the radio. According to a new study, five of the 10 most dangerous intersections for bicyclists are on Broad Street. Drivers, meanwhile, say they’ve never had any trouble at those intersections.

[ +1 ]

The Mütter Museum launches the Save Our Skulls program, wherein people can sponsor the skulls in its collection to provide for their upkeep. For a smaller donation, they will promise not to clean the Soap Lady.

[ +4 ]

Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey says the city is on pace to have the fewest murders since 1967. “And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the farm to count my chickens which, while they have not yet hatched, are bound to do so quite soon.”

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EVAN M. LOPEZ

[ prisons ]

BARRING ACCESS Harrisburg considers denying inmate access to the state’s open-records law. By Daniel Denvir ince Pennsylvania overhauled its Right to Know Law in 2008, Roger Buehl has typed out numerous requests, demanding that a state agency turn over information about everything from private medical contractors and MP3 players to the official definition of “inclement weather.” When his efforts are rebuffed, he has appealed to the state’s Office of Open Records for help and even filed a lawsuit. But Buehl, a prisoner, serving a life term for a high-profile triple murder in Villanova in 1982, could find this important channel for information cut off. Four bills introduced by state lawmakers seek to limit or strip inmates of their rights under the law. Rep. RoseMarie Swanger, a Republican from Lebanon County, has introduced the most severe, House Bill 115. It would allow state agencies to not release information requested by a prisoner. She was motivated by a county clerk in her district, who she says has been “bogged down” by requests from prisoners. “It’s ridiculous,” she says. None of the bills have moved out of committee, but the effort has drawn support from leaders of both parties. “There are other mechanisms to get the information they are entitled to besides filing right-to-know [requests],” writes Department of

S

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Corrections (DOC) spokesperson Susan McNaughton. “Sometimes it is just as simple as making a request of staff. A majority of the requests from inmates are for information regarding their own sentencing, upcoming prison menus and their own medical information.” But Buehl says that prisoners need the open records law more than most. “As a prisoner, I have no access to the Internet and the usual sources of information,” Buehl writes, apologizing that his handwriting — though still quite clear — has been rendered sloppier than usual by a prison-mandated rubber pen. “Additionally, the PA DOC restricts prisoners’ access to general information, and it rarely … voluntarily discloses corrections-related information to prisoners. Many Pa. DOC officials operate on a belief that prisoners are not entitled to honesty or truth from them.” Of the 1,925 right-to-know requests received by the Department of Corrections in 2012, 79 percent were filed by inmates. “There is no group of Pennsylvanians more dedicated to investigating corruption and waste in the prison system than those confined within its walls,” a spokesman for the Human Rights Coalition (HRC), a Pennsylvania prison reform group, said in testimony opposing restricting inmate access to the law. Indeed, the HRC argues that rights under the law should be

The effort has drawn support from both parties.

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[ is listening to opera ] [ a million stories ]

✚ WATER EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT IN THE POOL Opera fans, bundled in heavy jackets, scarves and knit caps, stepped gingerly on the slushy sidewalks as they headed indoors to the Fairmount Water Works — hoping to hop into the swimming pool and keep dry. The former John B. Kelly Pool, empty and abandoned, served as the performance space for last weekend’s Tributaries: A Modern Cantata. The one-off production was part of the Fairmount Water Works’ new “Culture and Conversation” program, which aims to call attention to the historic landmark and raise its profile in the Philly landscape. “It engages people with the space who wouldn’t come here otherwise,” said Victoria Prizzia, head of an installation

and design firm that has been involved with the Water Works Interpretive Center. The visit to the old pool house, along the banks of the Schuylkill and behind the Museum of Art, began with a wineand-cheese reception in the adjacent Mill House. The mixand-mingle doubled as an opportunity to educate visitors about water and water management, and outlined the Water Works’ own research and work. Kiosks lining the walls detailed the relationship between Philadelphia’s sewers and manmade streams, tidal estuaries and the organization’s history.

In 1815, the Fairmount Water Works opened as “the nation’s first major urban water-supply system,” but was decommis-

sioned in 1909. In 1911, the space reopened as the Philadelphia Aquarium. In 1962, it was reinvented as the John B. Kelly Pool, a practice pool for high school students.

After Hurricane Agnes severely damaged the building in June 1972, the Junior League of Philadelphia raised money to

editor’sletter By Lillian Swanson

revive it and keep it open as a historical landmark. “It’s clearly a space that needs to be for the public,” said Fairmount Water Works director Karen Young. With about 125 people attending and most paying $30 admission, the cantata was not a big money-maker.The purpose of the event was to explore what the Water Works could do with the pool-house space and reach out to the community.

“It raises more friends than funds,” Young said. The pool is separated into three empty pits, split by two walls that once were used to create lap lanes. Two of the pool’s

The audience sat in the empy pool.

pits were filled with white chairs for the audience.

The third pit, by arch-shaped windows overlooking the river,

was reserved for the orchestra. Greek columns split the pits into sections, which set the scene well for both the pool and a night at the opera. With temperatures in the 30s, concrete walls and no heat, the audience stayed wrapped up against the cold, but clapped warmly for the four-part cantata. Philly’s Will and Brooke Blair joined Craig Hendrix of the Agave Opera in putting the performance pieces together. The

songs all dealt with water and man’s interaction with it. Afterward, audience members went back to the Mill House and its displays. “Hold on!” a woman said to her husband. “I just wanted to get —Sam Seifman another look.”

photostream ➤ submit to photostream@citypaper.net

A WARM GLOW: Residents of the 1700 and 1800 blocks of Addison Street in Center City turn their street into a festive holiday lane. The scene was photographed at about 8 p.m. on Dec. 9. Photographer Rob Lybeck says he usually tries to capture this scene each year when snow is on the ground. “I chose to photograph this particular street because it shows a true commitment by all of the neighbors living on the block, with everyone joining together to help decorate the trees.” ROB LYBECK

WHAT TALKS AND WALKS ➤ WHEN AMERICAN HUSTLE opens on movie

screens this weekend, it’s sure to remind us how deep the legacy of political corruption runs in Philly and revive memories of the Abscam scandal that once rocked this city. Long before political power brokers Vince Fumo and John Perzel were carted off to jail, an FBI sting in the late 1970s and early 1980s netted a whole kettle of big fish. South Philly Congressman Ozzie Myers and five other congressmen, three Philly city councilmen, Camden’s mayor and a U.S. Senator were among those ensnared. The new film is loosely based on that sordid time, when the FBI’s phony Arab sheik, who had bundles of real cash, sought special government favors from politicians. It was not a hard sell. And those juicy conversations took place right under our noses — at the Barclay Hotel in Rittenhouse Square. At one of those meetings, Myers dropped the line that became a great gift to the American lexicon of crooked politics. “I’m going to tell you something real simple and short,” he famously said. “Money talks in this business and bullshit walks.” For accepting $50,000 stuffed in an envelope, Myers was convicted of bribery and conspiracy and expelled from Congress. In 1981, he was sentenced to three years in prison and fined $20,000. The next year, Murray Waas, a young freelance writer, wrote a compelling magazine piece called “The Rise and Fall of a Ward Hack.” If you’re looking for a solid piece of journalism that describes that time and place and the real Philly hustle, be sure to read this article, first published in the now-defunct Inquiry magazine. Waas recently offered City Paper the right to post his article online, knowing that the movie opening would spur renewed interest. You’ll find it on our website, citypaper.net. Waas, who grew up in Northeast Philly and Huntingdon Valley, once worked for muckraker Jack Anderson and went on to become one of the most important investigative journalists today. The local connection also extends to an actor in the movie: Jenkintown’s own Bradley Cooper portrays the overzealous FBI agent. Our critic, Sam Adams, reviews the film on page 22. Check it out. (lswanson@citypaper.net)

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✚ Barring Access <<< continued from page 6

expanded, pointing to the case of one inmate serving an indefinite term in a highly restrictive Secure Threat Group Management Unit: The DOC has rejected a request for information governing the placing of prisoners in this unit, citing a security exemption. When right-to-know requests are denied by state or local agencies, appeals can be filed with the Office of Open Records. Terry Mutchler, the office’s executive director, said about 31 percent of appeals to her office in 2012 were from prisoners. Buehl claims numerous victories that were won under the current law. In one case, he says, a prison staffer had “repeatedly told prisoners” at State Corrections Institution-Mahanoy not to request tape players that were commonly permitted in other state prisons. Inmates were told not to be bothered because MP3 players would soon be made available. In June 2012, Buehl filed a request seeking documents and contracts regarding the purchase of MP3 players. The DOC responded, in part, that no such records existed — apparently indicating to Buehl that officials had misled prisoners, and that MP3 players would not be showing up in prison commissaries anytime soon. “Employees were actually trying to help the inmate and prevent him from spending his money on a tape player that would eventually be outdated, but they didn’t know how long it can take to implement something like this,” says the DOC’s McNaughton. Buehl’s protracted efforts also include a request for information about contracts with a private health-care provider, which, he says, helped him (and others) secure treatment for hernias. In another instance, Buehl suspected that prison staff arbitrarily cited “inclement weather” as a pretext to cancel recreation time outside

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in the yard. So he requested “any DOC policy, procedure or guideline defining ‘inclement weather’ which may justify cancellation of institutional yard periods.” The DOC denied that request, arguing that disclosing the definition of “inclement weather” could jeopardize prison security by helping inmates plan an escape. But a Commonwealth Court judge ruled in Buehl’s favor, finding the DOC’s escape-plan theory to be “speculative” and, in a 10-page decision, ordered the agency to “provide Buehl with access to the ‘inclement weather’ definition.” Buehl says that it is difficult to say precisely which requests have caused change, since the DOC will not acknowledge that a particular “request (or complaint) ... [leads to] corrective, remedial action.” Swanger referred City Paper to Lebanon County Chief Clerk Jamie Wolgemuth, who says he is inundated by requests from his inmate “pen pals.” He says that some prisoners were fishing for personal information related to public employees who played a role in their incarceration. “Some of it, whether intended or not, is intimidating,” he says. “And the Right to Know Law doesn’t have enough protections built into it yet. It makes exceptions for judges and law enforcement — that their home addresses are not to be released — but that’s the extent of the protection. It does not extend to many public employees.” Mutchler agrees that there is one “inmate, who has abused this law in his attempts to obtain personal information about law enforcement, the judiciary and the district attorney,” leading

Some requests, whether intended or not, are “intimidating.”

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[ the naked city ]

to a “high volume of inmate requests” in Swanger’s district. But Mutchler opposes Swanger’s bill. She does support Senate Bill 444, introduced by Republican Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi, which would sharply limit, but not eliminate, inmate access to the law. Another bill, HB 480, would limit felon access to “personal identification of [DOC] employees.” Philadelphia Democratic state Rep. Mark Cohen opposes Swanger’s bill. He supports HB 1093, which would exempt records containing Social Security numbers, driver’s license numbers, phone numbers, home address, a spouse’s name, and other personal information. (Swanger is also a co-sponsor.) Swanger insists that prisoners can use the legal system to acquire needed information. “Every one of them has an attorney and they can request whatever information they need through that attorney,” she says. “My bill doesn’t take away all their rights. It’s up to the agency they contact.” But government agencies are not known to give out information they are not required >>> continued on adjacent page

[ the naked city ]

✚ Barring Access <<< continued from previous page

“Prisoners sometimes find out embarrassing facts about the prison system.” by law to release, and lawyers are scarce. “It’s clearly an underserved population,” says Angus Love, executive director of the Pennsylvania Institutional Law Project. “To fill the void, jailhouse lawyers do the best they can despite their lack of professional training.” In Washington state, legislators tried to eliminate prisoner access to the state’s Open Records Act, in what some believed to be an effort to stop the imprisoned editor of the renowned Prison Legal News from using the law in his reporting.“Prisoners sometimes find out embarrassing facts about the prison system and the government doesn’t like that,” says David Fathi, director of the ACLU National Prison Project. Washington ultimately passed legislation allowing judges to block inmate requests if they can be demonstrated to have been filed for purposes of harassment, or pose a safety concern. This came after a convicted arsonist filed hundreds of requests, including many seeking personal information that law enforcement considered both threatening and creepy. Mutchler says she would support creating “an alternative path to access information by prisoners” but wants to ensure it does not “preclude access to public record.” “Keep in mind that some requests by inmates are excellent requests for records related to policies,” says Mutchler. “However, there are also some that have included asking the material used in guards’ underwear as opposed to inmate-issued underwear.” Buehl has requested information regarding the use of delousing shampoo, the double-celling of prisoners, the frequency of laundering white clothing, the use of de-icing salts on prison walkways, attorney-requested telephone calls and the actual cost of goods sold in the commissary. The Right to Know Law, he says, is the “only way to get a nominally straight answer” from his jailers. (daniel.denvir@citypaper.net) C I T Y PA P E R . N E T | D E C E M B E R 1 9 - D E C E M B E R 2 5 , 2 0 1 3 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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icepack By A.D. Amorosi

➤ BY NOW YOU’VE probably seen local comedians Dave and Brian’s new Santa-grinding parody of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball.” But please allow me to tell you a Philly holiday bedtime story about another video, one made back when MTV actually cared about music. In 1983, Alan Mann, a highly regarded Philadelphia singer/songwriter with a crack band, got together with a young Temple University-based director named Rich Murray to film a video for Mann’s ballad “Christmas on the Block” as well as a documentary on the musician. “When I was at Temple, I used to follow Alan around South Street,” says Murray. “I had to talk him into letting me making a doc about him.” Mann’s “Christmas” became the first independent music video to screen on MTV, and Murray went on to direct 2001’s Snipes and 2003’s Philly Blunt. Mann didn’t benefit much from the honor. He died in October 1987 during a fire in his South Philly apartment (rumors called it suicide). “It was my first video, and I never stopped thinking about it and the song, especially at this time of the year,” says Murray. “There are so many interesting stories associated with him and that song — he was kind of an enigma. Plus, I always wanted to do a doc on Alan, so I guess I’ve decided after 30 years to go ahead and make it.” With that, Murray started interviewing many of Mann’s friends and collaborators — musicians such as Kenn Kweder, George Manney, bandmates like Larry Saklad, as well as managers, bookers and radio scenesters like Mitch Goldfarb, Cyndy Drue, Rich Wolfe and Debra Kaminsky-Bouchegnies — for a mosaic-like look at Mann.“When I started work on the doc, I thought it would be a short about the ‘Christmas on the Block’ song and video, and my own personal relationship with Alan and his then-manager [the late] Butch Shinn. But it’s turning into something more complex and interesting that will now delve into Alan’s life and music as a whole.” Now Kweder, Manney and Saklad have joined forces for a 30th-anniversary party and sing-along Dec. 22 at Mann’s onetime spiritual home — J.C. Dobbs, now renamed The Legendary Dobbs, at Third and South. Starting at 3 p.m., friends and fans will gather to sing Mann’s holiday anthem and watch rare footage — all to be captured by Murray for his doc. “I haven’t done anything film-related in five years,” says Murray. “You start looking back to the past, to when this all started, to when all that you were was new. This was a nice place to think about.” ➤ More Icepack at citypaper.net/nakedcity. (a_amorosi@citypaper.net)

RAMBLIN’ ROUND: Transient and narcissistic, Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) struggles to make it as a folk singer.

[ movie review ]

VILLAGE VOICE A folk singer in New York embarks on an odyssey to nowhere in the new Coen Brothers film. By Sam Adams [ B+ ] INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS | Directed by Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, a CBS Films release, running time of 105 minutes, opens Fri. Dec. 20.

nside Llewyn Davis, the story of a humbled (if not humble) folk singer surfing couches in 1961 Greenwich Village, is one of Joel and Ethan Coen’s most perfect films. After two viewings, I’m hard-pressed to identify a significant flaw in the film, which is built around a rich and nuanced performance by Oscar Isaac. And yet I regard the film with appreciation rather than love or any other profound feeling. It’s not the first movie the Coen brothers have set amid the snows of winter, but it’s the first whose heart never thaws. Llewyn (Isaac), modeled on the singer Dave Van Ronk, is a folkie who doesn’t much like other folks. He’s functionally homeless, toting a swollen duffel bag and a battered guitar case from one friend’s apartment to another, but he’s not much of a houseguest. Whatever charm reserves he once drew on have long since been depleted; his welcome’s all but worn out. Llewyn has plenty of reasons to be cheerless: For one, the female half of the sunny duo Jim and Jean (Justin Timberlake and Carey Mulligan) is planning

I

to abort what may be Llewyn’s child. But there’s another loss that hangs over the film. Its precise nature isn’t divulged till the midpoint, when Llewyn takes a miserable road trip to Chicago with a sullen jazzman played by John Goodman and his taciturn “valet” (Garrett Hedlund), but the way people speak of Llewyn’s former musical partner, Mike, it’s clear things didn’t end well. Inside Llewyn Davis is a movie about artistic failure — and that’s not a spoiler. It’s 1961 in the Village and Bob Dylan is on the horizon. Llewyn’s a dinosaur who doesn’t see the comet coming. But more than that, it’s a portrait of crippling depression. Between Llewyn’s shell-shocked affect and the chilly light of Bruno Delbonnel’s cinematography, it’s a cold, valiantly unlikable movie, without the stylized performances that usually endear even the Coens’ most repugnant characters. Llewyn is driven to succeed, hitching a ride halfway across the country to play for F. Murray Abraham’s folk-scene impresario, but his drive seems habitual, even rote. You get the sense that failure might be the best thing for him. Isaac channels most of his non-hostile emotions into Llewyn’s songs, which form the movie’s emotional backbone, but even on stage he’s turned inward, floating in a sea of black like a wayward asteroid. Although Dylan has yet to plug in his electric guitar and the coffeehouse scene is still lively, Llewyn’s already dead. (s_adams@citypaper.net)

A folkie who doesn’t much like other folks.

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curtaincall

[ arts & entertainment ]

By Mark Cofta

WHAT CHILD IS THIS FOR? ➤ “ONE CHRISTMAS was so much like another,” narrates Geneviève Perrier in Lantern Theater Company’s adaptation of Dylan Thomas’ lush prose poem “A Child’s Christmas in Wales.” “I can never remember whether it snowed for six days and six nights when I was 12 or whether it snowed for 12 days and 12 nights when I was six.” Thomas’ words charm with recollections like this, fogged and frosted by time, but director-designer Sebastienne Mundheim doesn’t make a case for staging them. Perrier — first as an adult woman unpacking a box, then dressed as a lad — does most of the talking, a puzzling choice given that she’s neither Welsh nor a boy. Her clearly girlish American voice clashes with male activities like pelting cats with snowballs and playing with toy soldiers. Strong physical performers Charlie DelMarcelle, Doug Hara and Amy Smith illustrate the poem’s events using ingenious props with a handmade aesthetic: cardboard houses, a three-person cardboard cat puppet, paper and plastic snow, all sorts of

presents, both “useful” (socks, mittens) and “useless” (toys, candy, but “never a catapult!”). These are revealed with a pace-dragging preciousness, dissipating the words’ childlike holiday joy and wonder. The hour-long performance feels too long and not playful, except for brief moments like a dining room scene in which DelMarcelle voices, in grunts and sighs, all the adults. I vividly recall a National Theatre of the Deaf production decades ago, in which the words — spoken and signed — were paramount, haunting and lovely. Here, they’re diluted by Robert Kaplowitz’s spacey music and the actors’ labors. The result falls in a forgettable void between physical theater and literature. (m_cofta@citypaper.net) ✚ Through Jan. 5, $30-$38, Lantern Theater Company, 923 Ludlow St., 215-829-0395, lanterntheater.org.

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PHOTO BY NEAL SANTOS

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movie

7 best picture

GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATIONS ®

shorts

C O M E D Y

I N C L U D I N G

FILMS ARE GRADED BY CITY PAPER CRITICS A-F.

®

Screen Actors Guild Awards Nominations

best ensemble BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - JENNIFER LAWRENCE

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WINNER New York Film Critics Circle BEST PICTURE - BEST SCREENPLAY BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS “‘AMERICAN HUSTLE’ IS

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

EXPLOSIVELY ENTERTAINING.

ELECTRIFYING PERFORMANCES FROM A TOP-TIER CAST.” PETER TRAVERS

✚ NEW

✚ CONTINUING

AMERICAN HUSTLE

THE GREAT BEAUTY | A

See Sam Adams’ review on p. 22. (Wide release)

A monumental act of hubris made more impressive by being pulled off so splendidly, director Paolo Sorrentino’s dazzling fantasia positions itself as a sort-of sequel to Federico Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, one of the greatest films ever made. Sad-eyed Toni Servillo stars as Jep Gambardella, a one-time novelist and dapper darling of Rome’s social scene who has drifted through the past four decades in a haze of beautiful women, extravagant luxury and killer parties. But Jep’s 65th birthday has thrown the hedonist for a loop, and suddenly the sweet life ain’t what it used to be. Sorrentino appropriates Fellini’s rambling, anecdotal structure and pet obsessions: curvy ladies, dwarves and juxtapositions of the sacred with the profane. But The Great Beauty is more than mere homage. Filtered through Sorrentino’s own rambunctious sensibility, it’s a richly symbolic meditation on aging, mortality and precious time wasted. —Sean Burns (Ritz at the Bourse)

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES | B More than most sequels, Anchorman 2 has a tough row to hoe. What made the first film great was its chaotic unpredictability and the rush of momentum that made it (barely) hang together. The Legend Continues, released nine years later, wisely takes a different tack, taking the edge off impressively coiffed newsman Ron Burgundy’s Stone Age prejudices and placing him at the dawn of the 24-hour news cycle. Leaving San Diego, where he’s been reduced to a drunken SeaWorld announcer, Ron (Will Ferrell) takes a job at the fledgling GNN, bringing the rest of his news team — Paul Rudd, David Koechner and Steve Carrell — with him. Carrell’s monolithically dim weatherman gets increased screen time via a romance with Kristin Wiig’s equally odd office worker, but his character’s more outlandish now, less sublimely strange. Ferrell and director/cowriter Adam McKay find ways to top the first film’s key setpieces, even the one that seems fundamentally impossible to surpass, until the one-upmanship becomes a joke in itself. The film’s take on the rapidly squandered promise of round-the-clock news lends a surprisingly poignant note, but not so much as to overshadow the delirious, low-calorie silliness. —Sam Adams (Wide release)

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS | B+ See Sam Adams’ review on p. 17. (Ritz East)

“ THE SHARPEST, MOST EXHILARATING COMEDY IN YEARS.”

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG | BIf the second installment in Peter Jackson’s epic bloating of The Hobbit is slightly less of a slog than the first, it’s not because it’s any less riddled with tangents and diversions. As the middle entry, The Desolation of Smaug leaves off both a beginning and end, so we’re saved all the trip preparations, ballad singing and dishwashing of its predecessor, along with what will inevitably be an endless succession of farewells when the trilogy draws to a close next year. A battle between elves, orcs and dwarves riding

RICHARD CORLISS

COLUMBIA PICTURES AND ANNAPURNA PICTURES PRESENT AN ATLAS ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTION A DAVID O. RUSSELL FILM CHRISTIAN BALE BRADLCASTING EY COOPER AMYADAMS JEREMYRENNER AND JENNIFERLAWRENCE “AMERICANHUSTL E” LOUIS C.K. MICOSTUME CHAELPEÑA ALESSANDRONIVOLA MUSIC MUSIC BY MARY VERNI EU, CSA LINDSAY GRAHAM, CSA SUPERVISOR SUSAN JACOBS BY DANNY ELFMAN DESIGNER MICHAEL WILKINSON EDITED PRODUCTION DIRECTOR OF BY JAY CASSIDY, A.C.E. CRISPIN STRUTHERS ALAN BAUMGARTEN, A.C.E. DESIGNER JUDY BECKER PHOTOGRAPHY LINUS SANDGREN, F.S.F. EXECUTIVE WRITTEN PRODUCERS MATTHEW BUDMAN BRADLEY COOPER ERIC WARRENSINGER GEORGE PARRA BY ERIC WARRENSINGER AND DAVID O. RUSSELL PRODUCED DIRECTED BY CHARLES ROVEN RICHARD SUCKLE MEGAN ELLISON JONATHAN GORDON BY DAVID O. RUSSELL

LOCAL LISTINGS FOR STARTS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20 CHECK THEATERS AND SHOWTIMES

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barrels down a river is delightfully choreographed, but as this is happening, Ian McKellen’s Gandalf is off investigating a spooky ruin, encountering the flaming eye of Sauron for no purpose other than to set up a trilogy that we’ve already seen. The titular dragon is a truly impressive creation, yet Bilbo and the dwarves’ attempts to escape his fire-breathing wrath is continually interrupted to revisit a plodding search for herbs to heal a poisoned comrade. Sometimes a journey is enriched by straying from the main path, but Jackson never seems to realize when he’s wandered into a cul de sac. —Shaun Brady (Wide release)

NEBRASKA | B Director Alexander Payne returns to his home turf for the father-son road trip Nebraska. And like any homecoming, it’s a combination of nostalgia and resentment. Against a stark Midwestern landscape, the Omaha native sets the withered features of Bruce Dern as Woody Grant, an aged alcoholic who is determined to walk from Montana to Lincoln, Neb., to claim a million dollars supposedly won in a mail-order scam. His aimless son

David (Will Forte) eventually agrees to shepherd him on his fool’s errand, hoping they’ll form that elusive bond. The pair detours from their quest for a reunion with Woody’s extended family in his hometown, where secrets from his past begin to come to light. The film’s uneasy divide between heartfelt drama and broad comedy so perfectly fits with Payne’s oeuvre that it’s surprising to learn that he didn’t write the screenplay. But that balance is particularly precarious here as Payne depicts small-minded, smalltown folks with both condescension and intimate understanding. Woody’s grasping clan and forgotten hopes are meant to form a bridge between a lost past and his embittered old age, but Payne never quite manages to make that connection palpable. —Shaun Brady (Ritz Five)

2012: The program of shorts screened

at last year’s avant-garde film festival. Fri., Dec. 20, 7 p.m., free (with RSVP). Academic CinÊ-club Belgrade,

➤ movie review

1960-1980: A series of experimental

shorts produced by the innovative club. Fri., Dec. 20, 9:30 p.m., free (with RSVP). Three Colors: Blue (1993, France, 94 min.): The first film of the art-house trilogy about love and loss. Sat., Dec. 21, 7 p.m., $9.

PHILAMOCA 531 N. 12th St., 267-519-9651, philamoca.org. White Reindeer (2013, U.S., 82 min.): A low-budget dark comedy for Christmas haters. Thu., Dec. 19, 7:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. $10.

✚ REPERTORY FILM More on:

INTERNATIONAL HOUSE 3701 Chestnut St., 215-387-5125, ihousephilly.org. Post Tenebras Lux (2012, Mexico, 115 min.): An urban Mexican family moves to the countryside with disastrous results. Thu., Dec.

[ movie shorts ]

19, 7 p.m., $9. Alternative Film/ Video Belgrade: Award Winners

citypaper.net ✚ CHECK OUT MORE R E P E R T O R Y F I L M L I S T I N G S AT C I T Y PA P E R . N E T / M O V I E S .

✚ AMERICAN HUSTLE [ B- ] A lumpy cocktail of polyester suits and plunging necklines, David O. Russell’s semi-fictional take on the Abscam scandal wants to be a movie and a half. The performances — especially by Christian Bale (wielding his pot belly like a tank) and Bradley Cooper (here, as in Russell’s Silver Linings Playbook, urged toward his worst instincts) — are oversized, the plot overloaded, the camera work arbitrarily frenetic. When Russell’s not ripping off GoodFellas — which, very frequently, he is — he likes to pointlessly swing the camera toward an actor’s hands and back up again, not because hands are important but because he just can’t keep still. Unlike, say, Robert Altman or David Mamet, Russell doesn’t have any particular affection or feel for the professional con artists played by Bale and Amy Adams, and he garbles a subplot about how Adams got stuck for months using a fake English accent with Cooper’s FBI agent. But then almost everything about American Hustle is garbled; the good bits (which are significant) are mixed in with the junk willy-nilly. Even for Russell, who’s hardly a master of structure, it’s an unforgivably sloppy mess. That people buy into it feels like the biggest swindle of all. —Sam Adams (Wide release)

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agenda

the

LISTINGS@CITYPAPER.NET | DEC. 19 - DEC. 25

[ hilariously undercutting the manic goofiness ]

HAIL HAIL: John the Conqueror plays the Boot & Saddle on Friday. JONIFIN MARVIN

The Agenda is our selective guide to what’s going on in the city this week. For comprehensive event listings, visit citypaper.net/events. IF YOU WANT TO BE LISTED: Submit information by email (listings@ citypaper.net) or enter it yourself at citypaper.net/submit-event with the following details: date, time, address of venue, telephone number and admission price. Incomplete submissions will not be considered, and listings information will not be accepted over the phone.

THURSDAY

12.19 [ theater ]

✚ GENDER COMEDY: A LESS STUPID TWELFTH NIGHT GAY FANTASIA Admit it: Shakespeare’s comedies are stupid. At least,

that’s what Harry Slack’s silly and sublime new play posits, gleefully pointing out the Bard’s many logic lapses in Twelfth Night. Any time one of Shakespeare’s women disguises herself as a man is ridiculous, but when she’s played by Lavinia Loveless, actor Josh Hitchens’ pinkhaired drag alter ego, we’re really in weird territory. Shakespeare’s Toby Belch becomes Toby Fart (played by Slack), men wear dresses or no trousers, and, at first, the play feels like a scatological skit, like shooting comedic fish in a barrel. Then a barrel of fish actually appears — for a wild, wonderful “fish fight” — along with robots, cardboard cutouts named “Jeremy” and surprisingly deep musings about the nature and purpose of language. Slack seems inspired not only by the Shakespeare he playfully skewers (no advance

knowledge necessary — it’s all explained), but by absurdists Tom Stoppard, Paul Magritte and Monty Python’s Flying Circus. While most characters resemble their Twelfth Night counterparts, Lesley Berkowitz’s brooding philosopher Andy merges As You Like It’s dour Jaques and a Samuel Beckett refugee, repeatedly and hilariously undercutting the manic goofiness with misanthropic observations. Director Paul Kuhn keeps the action popping on his festively colorful set, orchestrating the build of Slack’s blazing 90-minute script (with a 10-second intermission!) to a crescendo of gender confusion as boys-playing-girls-playing boys sort out who loves whom and why — though, really, why not? —Mark Cofta Through Jan. 4, $20-$25, Calvary Center, 4740 Baltimore Ave., 215-5251350, curiotheatre.org.

FRIDAY

12.20 [ blues/rock ]

✚ JOHN THE CONQUEROR Like their namesake, Philly band John the Conqueror’s story is stuff of folklore. As a teenager, frontman Pierre Moore learned how to play guitar from a homeless man who slept in the back room of an auto-repair shop. When Moore and his cousin, Michael Gardner, decided to start a band, they both slipped into roles they had never played before: the former as singer, the latter selling his bass to buy a drum set. Eleven months after the Jackson, Miss., kin met Philadelphia bassist Ryan Lynn, they signed with

Alive Naturalsound Records, former home to the Black Keys. Now the blues-infused rock trio is ending the year with one more show here in Philly before heading overseas for a monthlong European tour. —Sara Patterson Fri., Dec. 20, 9 p.m., $10, with Thee Idea Men and La Capitaña, Boot & Saddle, 1131 S. Broad St., 267-639-4528, bootandsaddlephilly.com.

[ rock/party ]

✚ MAUSOLEUM XMAS PARTY A couple months ago, PhilaMOCA threw a party. And, as you might expect from the Eraserhood/Callowhill/Loft District/ Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It art/film venue, it was weird and it was awesome. This time, Christmas is their excuse to get down. PhilaMOCA neighbor and preteen Shaun will be back to open the night with some holiday jokes while interpre-

tive dancer Suzanne “Underdog Lady” Muldowney will be twirling in a hopefully very festive gown. Musical acts include the Happy Birthday Jesus Band, food aficionado Keyboard Cathy and Thunderlips and the Ultimate Males (a.k.a. rock comedians Andrew Dyer and Jim Brooks). They’ll be performing a rock opera titled Tim Allen and Adam Sandler in the Santa Clause 4: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Santa. Yeah. —Marc Snitzer Fri., Dec. 20, 9 p.m., $5 donation, PhilaMOCA, 531 N. 12th St., 267-519-9651, philamoca.org.

[ emo/rock ]

✚ THEIR/THEY’RE/ THERE Roll call for newly formed Chicago supergroup Their / They’re / There: Evan Weiss, possibly better known by his Into It. Over It moniker for quite a few

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years now; Matthew Frank, of the defunct instrumental group Loose Lips Sink Ships; and Mike Kinsella, who has helped carve out the emo template for

over a decade with bands like Cap’n Jazz, American Football and Owen. With a lineup like this, expectations are pretty high. Luckily, the grammar sticklers in TTT know what

they’re doing, as evidenced by the two EPs they released this year. Analog Weekend (Polyvinyl/Topshelf) especially delivers, a disorienting, fizzy and off-kilter example (seriously, Frank’s guitar playing “Traveler’s Insurance” is as schizophrenic and all-overthe-place as it can get) of what happens when three concurrent musicians get together right around the time when the rest of the world found out the genre they’re a part of not only isn’t dead, but doesn’t suck. —Marc Snitzer Fri., Dec. 20, 7:30 p.m., $13-$15, with Mansions, Birthmark and Marge, First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St., 215-563-3980, r5productions.com.

[ the agenda ]

[ doom metal ]

✚ SERPENT THRONE/ GONDOLA Serpent Throne, headliners for this “Merry Riffmas” doommetal showcase, formed with the words of German guitarist/ neo-classical metal progenitor Uli Roth in mind: “We don’t need a singer because he’ll just get in the way of the riffs.” They and their Philly brethren in Gondola create music free of lyrical clichés, instead going for thoughtfully crafted instru-

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mental tracks, featuring many a guitar riff. Go where the riffs take you. —Taylor Farnsworth Fri., Dec. 20, 9:15 p.m., $10, with Golden Grass, Johnny Brenda’s, 1201 N. Frankford Ave., 215-739-9684, johnnybrendas.com.

[ the agenda ]

joined together in 2011 and built a union around Michelle Zauner’s gorgeous voice and lyrics of louche, doomed romanticism and dropped their gently dynamic debut, These Are Good People (Tiny Engines), earlier this year. —A.D. Amorosi

SATURDAY

12.21 [ rock/pop ]

✚ THE EARLY NOVEMBER/LITTLE BIG LEAGUE Hard to believe it, but The Early November’s debut disc, The Room’s Too Cold is already a decade old. A decade ago, the band of emo Jersey youths — the kids hell-bent on bringing the luster of chamber strings to their head-charging punk sound — hardly seemed old enough to have experienced puberty, let alone the complicated feelings that filled that first full-length. Enjoy the bad vibes. Joining TEN is Philly’s own sad-emo geniuses, Little Big League. Some of this city’s moodiest rockers from Titus Andronicus, Strand of Oak and Post Post

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Sat., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $25-$65, with Restorations, Union Transfer, 1026 Spring Garden St., 215-232-2100, utphilly.com.

[ comedy ]

✚ ALL BETS ARE OFF! Doogie Horner, the “former” Philly comedian we can’t seem to get rid of, headlines an allstar roster including Helium’s Philly’s Phunniest winner 2013 Chip Chantry, self-diagnosed “hit-or-miss comedian” Pat House, “comediunt” Mary Radzinski and more. —John F. Corrigan Sat., Dec. 21, 8 p.m., $5, World Café Live, 3025 Walnut St., 215-222-1400, worldcafelive.com.

[ comedy ]

✚ DAVE CHAPPELLE Once the toast of Comedy Central, with a hit TV show and a slew of standup specials, Dave Chappelle famously walked away from a $50 million deal and dropped off the radar for years. Now, just a few months

after hitting up Camden with Flight of the Conchords, he’s back in the area again. The Tower Theater promises a much more intimate evening than the Susquehanna Bank Center. Just don’t yell out for Rick James. —Brooks Phelps Sat., Dec. 21, 7:30 p.m., $58.50, Tower Theater, 19 S. 69th St., Upper Darby, 610-352-2887, livenation.com.

TUESDAY

12.24

vest than usual,” because he wants dedicated listeners to be rewarded for staying tuned in. This time the broadcast will exceed past shows by one hour to celebrate the quartercentury mark. Twenty-five hours for 25 years of amazingly off-kilter Christmas tunes like Steve Schaer’s “Rudolph the Head Cocaine Dealer” and, from hip-hop’s resident Ghost of Christmas Wu, “Ghostface Xmas.” A wprb.com link to the studio webcam will allow anyone tuning in to also see just how crazy/awesome Solomon (who gives up coffee in December, by the way) has to be to pull off such a feat. —Melvin Hayes Tue., Dec. 24, 5 p.m. through Wed., Dec., 25, 6 p.m., WPRB 103.3 FM, wprb.com.

[ holiday/radio ]

✚ JON SOLOMON’S 25-HOUR HOLIDAY RADIO SHOW WPRB DJ Jon Solomon says he’s keeping his plans for this year’s annual daylong Holiday Radio Show “closer to the

More on:

citypaper.net ✚ FOR COMPREHENSIVE EVENT LISTINGS, VISIT C I T Y PA P E R . N E T / L I S T I N G S .

THURSDAY 12.19 STUNTLOCO DJ SYLO LUKE GOODMAN

-----------------------------------------

FRIDAY 12.20

WORKOUT! BO BLIZ & LOW BUDGET

-----------------------------------------

SATURDAY 12.21

DJ DEEJAY -----------------------------------------

SUNDAY 12.22

FRESH CUT ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE MUSIC OF TIM CONLEY/MAST

-----------------------------------------

MONDAY 12.23 DJ DAV REEDSTREETS

-----------------------------------------

NEW YEAR’S EVE! WITH DJ DEEJAY TICKETS AVAILABLE AT TICKETFLY.COM

GIFT CARDS AVAILABLE

www.silkcityphilly.com 5th & Spring Garden

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NEW YEAR’S EVE

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NEW YEAR’S EVE

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NEW YEAR’S EVE

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY December 31, 2013 • 9pm-2am

$64.95 per person Includes taxes and gratuity 4 Hour Top-Shelf Open Bar

28 draft beers • 50 bottled beers Great selection of vodkas, Irish whiskeys, bourbons and tequilas

Non-Stop Hot and Cold Butlered Hors d’oeuvres and Sumptuous Desserts

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Space is limited and we are selling tickets at a fast rate! Don’t miss out on a fabulous New Years Eve party in the perfect setting.

MORIARTY’S PUB 1116 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19107 215.627.7676 moriartyspub.com

Sliders – Crab, BBQ Pork, Beef Filet Mini Quiche, Mango Shrimp Philly Cheesesteak Eggrolls Mini Beef Wellington, Pigs in a Blanket Spanokopita, Chicken Sate, Antipasto Skewers Scallops wrapped in Bacon Raspberry Brie in Filo, Empanadas Chicken Cordon Blue, Mini Corned Beef Specials Don’t forget our sumptuous Desserts! All 3 floors decorated with hundreds of balloons and streamers with party hats and noisemakers for all.

Access to four bars on all three floors

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with your own table. Large parties are welcome!

DJ Dancing & Champagne Toast at Midnight

18 flat screen TVs

watch the ball drop on Times Square

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f&d

foodanddrink

amusebouche By Adam Erace

MORNING PRAYERS PORTO | 1301 S. 11th St. Hours: Mon.-Fri., 7 a.m.-4 p.m.; Sat.-Sun., 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Breakast and lunch, $5-$11. ➤ IN GENTRIFIED SWATHS of South Philly, brunch is religion. And multitudes of faithful souls lost their house of worship when the cheery, cheeky midday institution at the corner of 11th and Wharton, Carman’s Country Kitchen, closed after 22 years in business. A pizzeria would move in, it was reported. Then, no, a Portuguese BYOB. Longtime customers wondered one thing: Would there be brunch? There would. The new occupant of the old Carman’s is called Porto, after a riverside grape-growing region known for its fortified wine of the same name. Chef/owner Christine Liskowicz has a resume that includes that other downtown brunch mecca, Sabrina’s. On the menu, you’ll find fantastic housebaked muffins studded with cranberries and perfumed with orange peel — get them with a sidebar of tangy yogurt butter — and elaborate confections like s’mores French toast, but also linguinça, salt cod and housemade piri-piri, the hot sauce that is ubiquitous at Portuguese tables. Those three staples mingled with two quivering poached eggs and terrific sweet-potato-and-olive hash on a breakfast platter called Black Dawg, one of many cornball names splashed across this menu, where healthy salads are “Afternoon Penance” and pastries are found in the “Confessional Box.” Liskowicz should find a real confessional box to apologize for crude salt-cod cakes, made with powerfully stinky bacalhau that could have soaked another day. The piri-piri is bold, spicy and bright, though, whether splashed on eggs or a juicy grilled half-chicken. Her thick, robustly seasoned chili should be canned and sold across the country. Converts have already begun migrating to Porto’s sweet, honeydew-hued dining room, but the restaurant still has some work to do. Despite La Colombe beans, the coffee drinks are airport quality and the menu’s dopey nomenclature should really go. We’ve got a serious dearth of Portuguese cooking in this town and Liskowicz has a real opportunity to show us some authentic stuff. I’m praying to the Virgin Mary Omelet that happens. (adam.erace@citypaper.net) 32 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

POURING OVER: a.bar is home to some of over top glasses of the year. NEAL SANTOS

[ year-ender ]

BEST LIST There’s no doubt 2013 was a very good year for eating out in Philly. That made it pretty damned tough for us to pick our favorites. By Caroline Russock n the words of Bob Shane, or perhaps, more familiarly, Frank Sinatra, it was a very good year. We’re not just talking about the sheer volume of restaurant openings, but also the high quality. This year, we asked our intrepid foodand-drinks contributors to line up their top five More on: superlative eating endeavors of 2013.

I

citypaper.net

➤ ADAM ERACE, restaurant critic Meal: I would eat breakfast at High Street on Market (308 Market St.) for any meal of the day. With the house yogurt, scented gently with ginger, the powerful Forager sandwich with its umami-bomb King Oyster mushroom and chewy kale, the jewel-like pastries, amazing breads and silky Rival Brothers cortados, it’s hard to imagine a more perfect morning. Restaurant: Call me predictable, but to Serpico (604 South St.) this award must go. Gorgeous space. Intuitive service. Smashing

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food. Right now, there is none better in town. Drink: Smoky and sauve, mezcal is one of my liquor cabinet gotos, and no cocktail does it justice like the Mezcal Mule at La Calaca Feliz (2321 Fairmount Ave.). A take on the Moscow Mule, this one introduces cucumber and passion fruit to the equation. Food/Bev Professional: Apologies for sounding like a broken record after last week’s review of Boot & Saddle, but praise for George Sabatino bears repeating. The guy has proven himself a creative workhorse in his overlapping gigs at the Pier, the Boot and the Lodge, and the way his chefs talk so highly of him, I think we’re looking at a future talent mentor of the Vetri/Garces/Turney variety. Can’t wait to see what he and his wife, Jennifer, have planned for their own spot, Aldine, coming this spring. Cheap Eats: By South Philly stanMORE FOOD AND dards, unassuming El Maguey (1538 S. DRINK COVERAGE 10th St.) is an old head on the taqueria AT C I T Y P A P E R . N E T / scene. I checked out the spot only recently M E A LT I C K E T. — and promptly fell in love with their clacoyos, a trio of turnovers, somewhere between a quesadilla and an empanada — an entree masquerading as an appetizer. ➤ CAROLINE RUSSOCK, food editor Meal: There’s nothing groundbreaking about my most memorable meal of 2013. It was much more a matter of impeccable service and a very rare opportunity (please pardon the pun) to sample >>> continued on page 34

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[ food & drink ]

✚ Best List <<< continued from page 32

“Call me predictable, but to Serpico this award must go.”

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three varieties of dry-aged New York strip, side by side, at Barclay Prime (237 S. 18th St.). Restaurant: When it came to choosing a place for out-of-town guests, special occasions and all-around good times, Fork (306 Market St.) was it. Begin with smokedtrout caviar and everything-bagel toasts; there’s really no better way to go than chef Eli Kulp’s house menu. Drink: With tequila, mezcal, pepper syrup, lime and broccoli rabe, High Street on Market’s (308 Market St.) A Trip to the Chinese Doctor reads like — well, let’s just say that it’s boldly going where few cocktails have dared. But somehow when the heat from the pepper and tequila meet smoky mezcal and vegetal rabe, something magic happens. Food/Bev Professional: In a state where Yellow Tail dominates state-store sales, Tim Kweeder of a.bar and a.kitchen (135 S. 18th St.) is doing wonders to change the wine-drinking landscape of Philadelphia with magnum pours of muscadet, pineau d’Aunis by the glass and daylong homages to the glories of sherry. Cheap Eats: In a stretch of the city where “Cash for Gold” signs dominate, Hamifgash (811-813 Sansom St.), a tiny kosher Turkish storefront, is serving the most thrilling Middle Eastern fare in the city short of Zahav. ➤ CARLY SZKARADNIK, food correspondent Meal: The most memorable meal of my year was at

Noord (1046 Tasker St.). The diver scallop over mustard soup and konijn in het zuur, or rabbit “confit” over Dutch sauerkraut, hit all the best comfort-food notes. Restaurant: A near-impossible choice this year, but the new place that I find myself wanting to return is Cheu Noodle Bar (255 S. 10th St.). There are always new things, they’re somehow always great, and it’s priced so that you can actually keep going back. Drink: I’m the type of person who often orders her wine by saying to a waiter, “I dunno; you pick something.” So I’m a big fan of the new proliferation of relaxed spots with no-brainer wine menus, like the draft options at Pizzeria Vetri (1939 Callowhill St.), limited to “red” or “white,” but well-chosen by smartypants Steve Wildy. Food/Bev Professional: Having resolved to eat more fermented things, these days I’m feeling very warmly toward Amanda Feifer of the blog Phickle. It’s one of the most flat-out useful local blogs, as well as the most honest — Amanda doesn’t shy away from telling you which recipes might get gross. Cheap Eats: I had mixed feelings when Xi’an Sizzling Woks (902 Arch St.) opened, because I was excited for some local Xi’an food, but also loved the restaurant’s predecessor, Szechuan Tasty House. I got over it, though, thanks to liang pi noodles for about five bucks. (caroline@citypaper.net) 34 | P H I L A D E L P H I A C I T Y PA P E R |

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[ i love you, i hate you ] To place your FREE ad (100 word limit) ➤ email lovehate@citypaper.net ALL OF ME! This song I love so much because it actually reminded me of you! I am sitting here thinking to myself. What the fuck is wrong with him! We could have really been something together and you made your choice. I can’t be mad at you because you made your choice. I made my choice also to do what I need to do for myself and my children. Move your shit out of my house and keep my life moving as it should. You fucked up and now it is time for you to live your life for yourself. I am glad I am done.

anything and everything. I never believed in that shit until you. Love, FH a.k.a.Your Bitch. (Term of endearment my ass, EVS.)

I WISH I wish that you were here to dry away all of my tears..I miss when we were 15 and 17 years old because we were young at heart and I knew that you would someday be my husband. And because of your hating-ass mom I have to conform to speaking to you from fucking facebook all the time. I want

PHONY FUCKING FRIENDS! Why do you bother to call me, after a fucking month of not talking to me and then when you call you give me some bullshit excuse about you losing your phone! Bitch, don’t come to me with that fake ass bullshit as line because if you want to get in contact with me you would have found a way now since you gave me your number and called me you still got the same old bullshit, talking about my phone about to go dead! How about this, just consider me dead and don’t bother calling me anymore!

AWE- SHIT OK....The shit is about to hit the fuckin fan...I thought that you were cool and it turns out that you aren’t. You came over and ate my pussy and then you took off and went back to your girlfriend.... that fat bitch doesn’t deserve the climaxes that I received....and if you are eating that bitch out all she is going to do is use your dumb ass. You aren’t worth a shit and if you think that I am going to call you...think again..I am not...thanks for being my jump-off!

TO THE EX-WIFE You can’t begin to comprehend how much we hate you. You are the most selfish cunt in the world. You are a shitty mom, and you put your own needs before your kids’ all the time. You’re a crazy fucking drunk, and everyone knows it. You dress like a $3 whore, you pathetic loser. There’s a reason that we have primary custody instead of you, you crazy bitch. How’s your second divorce coming along, by the way? What a shock, you piece of shit. It must be nice to know that even your own family thinks you’re a horrible mom. Nice work on getting drunk while the kids are with you, by the way - that will come in super handy when we petition for full custody.

WHY DID I BOTHER? It just bothers the fuck out of me, that I called you up the other day to wish you a Happy Birthday! After all, you never gave a fuck when it was my B-Day? I want you to know, I am not missing you at all..as a matter of fact when you came up to see me it just bothered me to think you believed that maybe you could have a chance with me. Don’t deny that, that is what you wanted. How could I be with someone who physically put me in the hospital..5X. Even your own mother had told me to leave your ass..I need therapy now...cause of all of what has happened to me.....do me a favor just don’t come my way......stay the fuck away from ME...cause you don’t even turn me on anymore..and everytime I see your ass it just reminds me of what a fucking fool I was for way too long........This time - - - - we are really just over...So go fuck the world and have fun... but just leave me alone...cause this so-called love was just a fake fairy tale....and I really do need to be with someone who will really love me the way I deserve to be loved.....P.S. Don’t worry I will never get in your way..and I sure as hell hope you won’t get in my way..if you see me with another man.....

FIND SOMEONE FOR YOURSELF The entire relationship was fucking toxic. I am never going to forget anything that I have been through with you and your fat-ass-child’s mother. Both of you were made for each other and I am definitely glad NOT to go into another year with the ridiculousness of your stupid ass wanting and needing something. You situation is not my situation. I am glad that you are not going to be around me! You spirit isn’t right. You need to check that out and your soul isn’t right!

I THINK I LOVE YOU So what am I so afraid of? I’m afraid you might not love me, for the love there is no cure of… Although your lyrics are usually painfully wrong, the way you sing is funnier than anything. The expression on your face when our eyes meet speaks volumes. I hate that you have turned me into a pile of mushy heart mess but I love it too. You are beautiful, inside and out, especially that cock of yours. YUMMY. Oooohh… I said “cock”. - I think it is so hot that you think it’s hot when I say “cock”. I love the way you touch me, kiss me, and love me for all that I am. Know NREV, I will never do anything to compromise this amazing “thing” we have. I love you to death… perhaps ‘til death. Thank you for everything you have done for me, you have changed me in ways previously thought impossible. You make me smile every day as I fall harder and harder each passing day. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night (after you do me) and awake to you doing me every morning. (Oops - I meant making love). Best way to wake up EVER. I promise to be your best friend, your love, and your porn star as long as you keep up your end of the bargain. I totally put it all out here, for everyone to read, just so you know how CEREAL I am. Stop picking, actually take a hour nap and start believing in yourself and how amazing of a person you are. Together we will do

read it every once in awhile. not a day goes by that I don’t think about you; that’s not to say that I haven’t let our relationship rest in peace. I am grateful for the time I have been given and wish you the best.

YOU ARE A BIG PHONY!

to be with you so much, I hope that there will be no disturbances because you are my Philip from the storybook soon to be published! I can’t wait to see you!

MY BABY This is for the adorable blue-eyed boy I met at SGH that I’m happy to say is my boyfriend. I can’t believe you are all mine. I usually don’t go for guys at show but I knew when I first looked at you that you were special. You are so sweet and I love learning more things about you every day. I’m so happy I found someone so great. Till next time babe!

SOME CLUES “Ask me how I am. say hi. drop off whiskey for my fatherly custody. smile. be good to yourself. don’t be mean to yourself. don’t be mean to me. figure out what makes you happy. do what makes you happy. every time you go fishing, think of that time in the rain. be tough. don’t drink yourself to death. smoke cigarettes. dance in the sunshine. eat fast food. drink lots of coffee. remember the good times and what made them good. find out who ‘you’ are. be yourself. someday, You will make it all up to me. someday. and you’ll know where to find me.” You wrote this to me after I left. I’ve kept it and I still

Supposed to be a child’s father but found out at the last minute that you are a worthless piece of shit! You make me so sick and I wish you nothing but bad luck in your future. You make me wanna punch you in the face and maybe set you on fire! How dare you do what you did and then say something like what you did that you still loved me! You need to love yourself and not pretend to be there for me because I have had enough and I can’t take anymore any longer can’t you see that...people keep telling me that you will come back...honestly I don’t want you to come anywhere near me at all. Please stay away and enjoy your life! ✚ ADS ALSO APPEAR AT CITYPAPER.NET/lovehate. City Paper has the right to re-publish “I Love You, I Hate You”™ ads at the publisher’s discretion. This includes re-purposing the ads for online publication, or for any other ancillary publishing projects.

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