Indigenous Student Centre discusses their supports
FEATURES
Free resources of Burnaby campus P.03
HUMOUR Musk’s big, bad, terrible fight P.08
SFU student talks spoken word and resistance P.12
As a free festival that attracts over 90,000 attendees over two days, it brings together people from all walks of life, fostering a sense of unity and community pride.
JENNA KUZEMSKI SENIOR MARKETING AND EVENTS SPECIALIST, CITY OF SURREY
Building Indigenous cultures of continuous learning is always progressing toward revitalization of our Indigenous cultures, values, and respect.
SUMMER SPARKS
The fact that transphobes feel comfortable enough to say this, means we’re doing something wrong as a society.
Why wouldn’t the residents protest yet another effort to displace them, to sanitize and gentrify the streets with vapid fusion restaurants and postcard-pretty tourist sights?
Are you just as stressed about the semester, too?
PURPOSEFUL POETRY
1. Reserve their favourite spot on the bus by sitting there literally all day
If you’re also a slave to TransLink like me, there is a spot on every type of bus and SkyTrain that you have designated as the prime spot. It’s that seat you make a beeline to as soon as the doors open on the SkyTrain — you know the one. You’ll be the person who has the coolest views and the easiest time getting off the bus. What better way to be their object of envy?
2. Show them that washroom on campus you’ve been gatekeeping since 1st year
As someone who tends to spend long hours on campus, sometimes you just need to take a dump. It’s a totally normal feeling to have, but what I don’t think is totally normal is having a go-to place to discharge. To express vulnerability, tell them your secret spot and revel in the praise they give you after your thoughtful recommendation.
3. Tell them you’re taking them to the aquarium and bring them to the koi pond
A fairly cheap alternative to the Vancouver Aquarium in Stanley Park, head over instead to the koi pond for a romantic outing. It’s a win-win situation. You can take out that special someone to enjoy the serene swimming of the remaining koi (the ones that haven’t been snatched by the birds, of course) and also make the most of your tuition.
4. Brave the asbestos on the 5th floor of the library to get a book they’ve been wanting
This is solely for anyone who would like to rizz me up. I’ve been wanting to read “Happy Hour” by Marlowe Granados for a while now, but lo and behold — out of all places, it’s chilling on the asbestos floor of the library which is completely off-limits. In short, I can’t get my hands on that book. So if anyone is willing to confront asbestos and snatch that book, please let me know.
5. Bring them to the on-campus gym and hit literally all of your personal records (PRs)
This is for all the gym bros and girlies out there. Prove to them that you’re an absolute weapon and annihilate all of your past PRs in one go. It might be a good idea to also hire people to stare at you in awe during your lifts.
6. Hack into their goSFU and give them an earlier enrollment day
Speaking from personal experience, enrollment day always sucks. I can never get into the classes I actually want, goSFU always decides to crash on me, and if I can get on a waitlist, I’m 24 th in line. Do your crush a favour and use your hacking skills (or a comp sci kid) to give them an earlier enrollment day.
7. Carry them up and down the 4th and 5th floors of Surrey campus
This goes out to all my Surrey campus regulars. For whatever reason, the escalators at Surrey campus end on the 3rd floor and students are left to hike up the stairs to access the 4th and 5th floors. Fear not, for the Rizzler is here to be your personal escalator to bring you to the top of Surrey campus. Maybe hitting all those PRs came in handy . . .
8. Grab them an iced capp from Tim Hortons just before the morning rush
Who doesn’t like a refreshing drinkity in the morning? The answer is . . . no one! So save your crush the hassle by grabbing an iced capp before the rush.
9. Make a study playlist for them to block out the noise of their inner demons
As finals season quickly approaches, help them brace themselves from the chaos and swirling of emotions by making a playlist to shut out their inner demons. May I suggest a song for mothers who slay (“Do Not Touch” by MISAMO), a song that makes you do the stank face (“Come On Let’s Go” by Tyler, the Creator), or a soft melody that can be played in a meadow filled with sheeps (“Old With You” by Grent Perez).
10. Pretend you’re a UBC student
If all else fails, don a UBC hoodie and take a stroll across campus. As a UBC student, it is implied that you are not only smarter, but harder, better, faster, and stronger than any SFU student could ever be. Not to mention, you have infinite W rizz. So take the temporary L and fake it ‘til you make it.
ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19
Thwip! Welcome to your Spiderverse era. Just like Miles, prepare to battle your parallel universe counterparts (AKA your inner demons) who are much cooler and more successful than you are. The alternate universe where you took up a career in the medical field that your mom always wanted you to pursue? Wham!
Kapow! The alternate universe where you married Momo from TWICE? Bam! This week, put all those “what-if” scenarios to the test.
TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20
Embrace your inner superhero, The Flash, by making lightning-fast decisions that you probably needed to sit on longer) and sprint head first into friend group drama that shouldn’t really concern you! Alternatively, run away from all your problems! Zoom zoom!
GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20
Have you been putting off goals this entire year because of yada yada yada? Embrace your inner Transformer and transform. Revive your Pinterest account from Grade 8, hit leg day at the on-campus gym (if you can brave the lack of AC and the lingering smell of sweat), and get onto productivity TikTok where 35-year-old men yell at you for wasting your time on people who aren’t at your level of intellect.
CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22
You’re a Barbie girl, in your Barbie world. Say hello to your Barbie era. Get ready for all your wishes to be granted, all your houseplants to thrive, and all your days to be filled with impromptu musical numbers (with rehearsed choreography, of course). So strap on those rollerblades and act as if you come home to a Barbie Dreamhouse every day because life will truly be so fantastic.
LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22
An old fling will soon re-enter your life. Like in Past Lives, you will experience an upsetting array of confusing moments that will make you question every past decision you have made. If you don’t want to be bothered by your past, I suggest finding a new hyper fixation such as K-Pop-stanning, sticker collecting, and bouldering.
VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22
Out with the old, in with new. Time to find some new friends! Kidnap a campus raccoon, uproot a tree, snatch a buff father and find a woman with green skin (good luck on that one) to assemble your very own Guardians of the Galaxy-inspired squad. Venture to the rest of the galaxy with your newfound friends to ignore the very real problems back at home.
LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22
Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter (said no one ever). With the recent horror story about the Titan Submersible and the concerning reports of E. coli infested water in Vancouver, maybe it’s best to stay away from any body of water for now. So ignore that silly crab from The Little Mermaid — take it from me and stay dry.
SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21
Lately, you’ve been really uptight, so set aside some time in the week to let loose and have fun. Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it’s time to bring back the gang again for a wild night out. Maybe go clubbing at Levels and bump into high school classmates that finally escaped the suburbs. Alternatively, have a night in, eating pizza with the gang.
SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21
Time to slay (literally and figuratively) like the doll, M3GAN from M3GAN. Just like M3GAN, spend the next week confronting those who have wronged you, haunt those who you want to get a rouse out of, and show off your dancing abilities during surprise dance battles.
CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19
Congratulations! You’ve entered your Oppenheimer era! Now is the time to give into destructive tendencies. Use your brain power to show the world what you’re made of. You’ll have a blast.
AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18
A summer adventure awaits. Take inspiration from Indiana Jones and go on an adventure through nature. Vancouver is known for its amazing outdoor adventures, so pick one and head out! Explore the river rapids up in Squamish, go stand-up paddle boarding in Belcarra, and trek through the Chief. Trust me, you will be whip-ped by the outstanding views.
PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20
Have you heard of the movie, The Mother? Me neither, but I’m running out of Summer movies to reference! Based on the title and the fact that Jennifer Lopez plays the main character, I’m assuming it’s a movie about being a queen. So act like JLo this week and keep on mother-ing.
