T-4-2 By Paul Ekert
PaulEkert@PaulEkert.com
Cast of Characters Nigel:
Works for an unspecified computer & robotic firm. Lives in the ’Didcot-on-Sea’ area in the year 2075. Recently divorced. He is dressed in an office suit. Enters carrying a brief case.
T4-2:
Female android. Top of the range. She is wearing a dress, red shoes, and a pair of gloves that come up over her wrists. Hair style should be simple, makeup should be slightly ’wrong’ as though put together by someone who had only a vague idea of how it should be done. She speaks in a clipped mechanical way, very much like an automated station announcer. Her movements are stiff but not robotic.
Scene Set: One chair to the left of stage. Table (by ’door’) for Nigel to place his briefcase & jacket on. Props required: One flask. One Cup. Time Late Afternoon/Early Evening
ACT I Scene 1 NIGEL ENTERS WITH HIS BACK TO T4 WHO IS STANDING IN ROOM STARING AT THE FLOOR. NIGEL DROPS HIS BRIEFCASE AND JACKET ON THE TABLE. HE STARES AT BOTH ITEMS, BEFORE RUBBING HIS FACE WITH BOTH HANDS. NIGEL What a day. What a week. What a crappy year and... NIGEL TURNS AROUND AND IS STARTLED TO SEE T4 STANDING THERE. NIGEL (cont’d) (Reacts with fright) What the hell are you doing here? T4 (T4 comes to life, turns head to face Nigel) Greetings. NIGEL STOPS BACKING AWAY AND LOOKS CAREFULLY AT T4, MOVING HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE AS THOUGH WEIGHING HER UP. NIGEL (Laughs quietly) Right. I see. You’re an android. For a moment there I thought you were... But what would she be doing here? WALKS TOWARDS HER LOOKING AT HER. T4 FOLLOWS HIS MOVEMENT WITH HER HEAD AND SHOULDERS ONLY. NIGEL (cont’d) Wait a minute. You’re one of the T4 models, aren’t you? T4 T-4 Version 2.01 NIGEL Right, the updated version. Very nice. I mean I’ve read the reviews on Google News, but I never thought I’d get this close. HE STEPS IN, LOOKING HER UP AND DOWN, WALKING AROUND HER IN CIRCLE. Excellent. The realism is... Well, unreal. Except of course the hands. HE PICKS UP HER HANDS AND BENDS THE FINGERS, WHEN HE LETS GO, HER HANDS STAY IN THE AIR AND HE PUSHES THEM GENTLY DOWN.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
2.
NIGEL Still have you wearing gloves I see. Haven’t quite cracked that problem have they. But the eyes... Now they’re good, and the hair... HE REACHES OUT TO TOUCH THE T4’S HAIR. ...the hair looks just like my wife’s. (drops hair) My ex-wife! She used to say her hair was the most...(beat) You know what? Let’s not go there. I’m sorry, they must have delivered you to the wrong apartment. I’ll get on the Holophone and find out which spoilt teenager is currently wondering where his dream date has got to. Who are you supposed to be registered with? T4 Registered owner. Nigel Farnham. Registered date: 23rd April 2075. NIGEL That can’t be right. I’m Nigel Farnham, but I don’t have nearly enough money for you and even if I did... Well, I’m not sure I’d buy an android playmate. No offence. T4 No offence has been registered. NIGEL Well that’s an interesting response. T4 MOVES LEGS TOGETHER, STANDING UP STRAIGHT, HANDS TOGETHER. MAKES A QUICK SHORT BOW, MAKING NIGEL JUMP. T4 (As a Japanese Businessman) Konnichiwa valued customer. You are now the proud owner of the T4-2, the most sophistic android available for today’s discerning synthetic life-form purchaser. Developed by Sonysung and Micro Linux the T4 comes in a variety of sizes and colours and includes a full warranty period that excludes water based activities... NIGEL PAUSE Playback! T4 FREEZES IN MID SPEECH AND GESTURE. I hate promotional material. Look, this has to be a mistake. What was your delivery address? T4 (As T4) Apartment 101, Third floor of Wind Power Tower, Green Lung Avenue, Didcot-on-Sea, Banburyshire.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
3.
NIGEL Right place, right person, but that still doesn’t explain... I mean the only person I know with enough money to buy a T4 android is.... Oh... Oh of course. T4, please give me details of purchaser. T4 Accessing... Purchaser of this T4 unit was... Angelina Oakhampton. NIGEL My Mother. Of course. And today of all days. T4: I have been instructed to play a recorded message at this point. The message is from... Your mother. T4 ADOPTS THE VOICE OF NIGEL’S MOTHER, PERFORMING HER ACTIONS FROM THE WAIST UP. T4 (As Nigel’s Mother) Hello darling. Well I guess you finally figured out who bought you this wonderful gift. Yes it was me. Happy divorce day my sweetie. Trust me darling, you’re so much better off without that little bitch. Perhaps you should have listened to me all those years ago? But at least it all turned out for the best. NIGEL Yes, every Decree Nisi has a silver lining. T4 Oh and darling, if you can see your way clear to calling me sometime, anytime, that would be great. You know I am your mother; you should call me more often. But don’t call me this week. I’m of to the Mars Mountains for a bit of hyper-boarding. New lease of life I’m having since they replaced my hip, spine and shoulders andNIGEL -Pause Playback! (T4 pauses in mid finger wagging) Fast forward message. T4 (As T4) To which point? NIGEL How long is the message? T4 53 minutes and 45 seconds. NIGEL Fast forward to 53 minutes and 30 seconds.
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CONTINUED: (4)
4.
T4 Complying.... T4 MOVES BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, FINGER WAGGING AND GESTURING IN DOUBLE TIME MAKING THE NOISE OF SPEECH PLAYED AT FAST FORWARD. EVENTUALLY SLOWS DOWN AND PLAYS AT NORMAL SPEED. (As Nigel’s Mother) Got to dash, a Male T4 android is popping over this afternoon to.... To teach me the guitar. Ciao darling. T4 RETURNS TO NORMAL STANCE. (As T4) Message ends. Would you like to save this message? NIGEL No, I want you to delete it. I want you to delete it for forever. T4 Message deleted. Query. I have searched the Sonysung database but can find no records that indicate the T4 male, human is capable of playing or teaching the guitar. NIGEL Shocker! I guess he must be teaching her something else. Or maybe it’s the other way round. Okay, dragging us back to the real worldT4 -Would you like some tea? NIGEL What? T4 Tea. A beverage made from hot water andNIGEL -I know what tea is. Why do you think I need any? T4 My sensors indicate your stress levels are significantly elevated after the message from your mother. Tea will have a calming effect. NIGEL I think you’ll find there are very few cures for the stress levels induced by my mother. T4 Tea is soothing. I have a flask. Sit. NIGEL I don’t think-
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5.
T4 -Sit! NIGEL Okay, okay. You’re not one of those flaky models are you? T4 Flaky? Accessing... Flaky... Chocolate... Flaky... Rust.... Flaky... Made of or resembling flakes. Negative. This model is not flaky. NIGEL It’s just that I heard about some of the earlier Sonysung androids going loopy and ... Well killing their owners. T4 Model Rex78 is no longer in production. Sonysung have no comment to make on these allegations while legal action is on going, although the CEO would like to express; BECOMES JAPANESE BUSINESS MAN AGAIN Our deepest sympathy to the relatives of the deceased. Sayonara. BOWS DEEPLY, STANDS UP, RESUMES AS T4 (as T4) Tea? NIGEL What? Well okay, I guess a cup of tea won’t hurt. T4 GIVES NIGEL A CUP. SHE POURS TEA FROM A FLASK DIRECTLY INTO HIS LAP. NIGEL (CNT’D) Yowww. (Jumps up). Damn it. (Takes handkerchief from pocket and wipes away stain). T4 Warning. User error recorded. NIGEL User error? You just poured scalding hot tea all over myT4 (Assumes Japanese Business man stance) -Konnichiwa valued costumer. Please note the T4’s hand to eye coordination may require final adjustment before handling dangerous substances in close proximity to the user. Sonysung would like to express our deepest sympathy for any minor inconvenience you may have experienced. Sayonara.
(CONTINUED)
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6.
NIGEL Minor inconvenience? You nearly burnt my... Well it hurt, okay? T4 (As T4) Spectral analysis indicates mild scald to scrotum area. Injury is not life threatening and does not require medical assistance. NIGEL You know, hearing that doesn’t actually make it hurt any less. T4 Shall I call for medical assistance? NIGEL I’ll be fine. T4 Shall I alert your Mother? NIGEL Absolutely not. T4 In dire circumstances the nearest human relative should be contacted. NIGEL This isn’t dire, it’s just bloody annoying and the last thing I want is my Mother being contacted about my burnt scrotum. T4 Mild scald to scrotum. NIGEL Whatever! T4 Your mother has installed preset instructions on how I should react to an emergency that encompasses your personal well-being. NIGEL I bet she did. T4 (As Nigel’s mother) Darling, if it’s something personally embarrassing, you can still talk to me. I did once empty your nappies you know, or at least your nanny did, but I was often in the room so really, there isn’t any need to hide anything, no matter how ridiculously trivial it might be.
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7.
NIGEL Pause, playback and delete message. T4 (Back as T4) Message deleted. NIGEL Look, let’s just forget it, okay? T4 Acknowledged. Accessing... Erasing event... Erasing... Erased... STANDS MOTIONLESS FOR A SECOND. THEN SPRINGS BACK TO LIFE AS THOUGH REBOOTING. Greetings Nigel, would you like some tea? NIGEL No thanks. What I need is a contact number to send you back. T4 Do I not please you? NIGEL Look, it’s not you it’s me; I’m just in a bad place right now. T4 Because of your divorce from the human female previously referred to as, your life time partner. NIGEL Well, partly that, and partly because I didn’t get a seat on the travel line today, but mainly it’s because I refuse to allow my mother to interfere withT4 -is there someone else? NIGEL What! T4 Are you having a relationship with someone in your work-based environment? NIGEL I work with robots and computers. T4 Are any prettier than me? NIGEL Where the hell did that come from?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (8)
8.
T4 I am pre-programmed to emulate the emotions of species human, female. NIGEL Really? Is there any actual advantage to that? T4 The Female T4 model can Multi-task, but while emulating human, female emotions, processing power is at maximum. During this phase some models have experienced memory errors and sporadic hearing loss. NIGEL Just like my ex-wife. Fascinating though this is, I’m still going to send you back. It’s just the way it is. T4 Do you not want me to make you happy? NIGEL It’s not a case of being happy. I just don’t want an android in my home. I’m happy enough being here. (Looks about the flat) Being here on my own. T4 Are you happy? NIGEL Mostly... Well no actually, but the point is, I don’t think my life is going to improve much by talking to an emulation of a female. I had enough problems with the real thing. T4 Then you do not like me? NIGEL Like doesn’t come into it. I like my Holo-TV, I really like my espresso maker and some days I even like the wallpaper in this room. But that’s not the same as liking a sunset, or liking a flower. Not in the way you’re saying it. When you speak, none of it’s real. It’s just a bunch of clever subroutines written by a spotty nerd in the basement of Micro Linux. That’s not real and its certainly not living, and you... NIGEL LOOKS ABOUT HIS FLAT. WALKS OVER TO HIS BRIEF CASE AND TOUCHES IT FOR A MOMENT. You’re not alive. And I don’t need any more lifelessness in my life. T4 Sunset. Accessing... Solar activity passing beyond horizon. Flower. Accessing... Plant life, often inedible. Would it be easier if I were male? (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (9)
9.
NIGEL What? T4 My subroutines can be adapted to emulate human, male. NIGEL I don’t think that’s going to make much difference. T4 I also have attachments to emulate human, male. Shall I fetch them? NIGEL No thank you. T4 They come in a variety of sizes. NIGEL I’m sure they do, but it’s still a no. T4 Then would you like to pick a name for me? Your mother suggests: T4 BECOMES MOTHER AGAIN. (As Nigels Mother) Anything but Sally darling. Look I went for this hairstyle because I know you liked the soppy bitch looking like she’s never been near a salon in her life, but for God’s sake, make sure you pick a name that’s nothing like the ex. BECOMES T4 AGAIN (As T4) Would you like to delete this message? NIGEL Do I have the option to send that message to a fiery pit of hell? T4 That option is beyond my parameters. NIGEL Now there’s a pity. T4 Your mother has suggested the name Fiona. NIGEL Dearest mother. Why twist the knife when you can find a raw nerve to saw on. T4 Fiona is acceptable?
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10.
NIGEL Fiona was very acceptable. Years ago my mother set the two of us up and for once I actually liked the match. Unfortunately Fiona didn’t. T4 Was Fiona a lesbian? NIGEL No, she just wasn’t interested. T4 I like the name Fiona. NIGEL How is that possible? You’re a machine. You can’t genuinely like anything. If my mother suggested Rumplestilskin, would you have liked that name? T4 No. I like the name, Fiona. NIGEL Okay, I give up. You can be Fiona if you want - at least until they collect you and then erase any memory of your time here. Hopefully they will erase the fact that I haven’t cleaned up this room in a year. T4 I am Fiona. My name is Fiona. I will tidy your room after we have had sex. Nigel: Wait a minute. T4 (cont’d) (Move closer to Nigel and grabs his wrist) Would you like to become intimate with me, Nigel? NIGEL GRIMACES IN PAIN THEN HE PULLS AWAY HER FINGERS UNTIL HE IS FREE. NIGEL I’m going to pass as I think you’ve done enough damage to my nether regions. T4 Sex rejection. Accessing list of alternatives... Accessing subroutine... Slutty... T4 STRIKES A GLAMOROUS BUT ABSURD POSE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN PORN AND A TEENAGE FANTASY Nigel. Do you want this body? Do you want to have... A good time? NIGEL Not as much as I’d like to keep all my limbs attached to me.
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CONTINUED: (11)
11.
T4 (Snaps back to normal T4) Then how about a cup of tea? NIGEL Okay, I want Customer Support and I want them now. T4 (Becomes Japanese Businessman) A support call has been placed by your T4 unit. Unfortunately, all our customer representatives are currently busy. If you are calling to report a life threatening situation, Sonysung would like to express our deepest sympathy. Sayonara. NIGEL Any idea on how long it will take to get a call-back? T4 (As T4) Calls currently have a target return time of 3 days. NIGEL Great! So what am I supposed to do with you for 3 days? T4 STRIKES SLUTTY POSE AGAIN. NIGEL (cont’d) Forget it. T4 (Snaps out of Slutty Pose) I could recycle the 38 pizza boxes and clean the more obvious stains from your toilet. NIGEL No I don’t want you to... (looks around) Well I suppose while you are here you couldT4 -Accessing Cleaning Program T4 BEGINS TO PICK UP THINGS FROM FLOOR. T4 (CNT’D) I will clean the room for 48 minutes and 23 seconds. NIGEL Wow, you can clean it that quickly? T4 Negative. This level of mess will take several hours to eradicate. However, in 48 minutes and 18 seconds the hologram period known as Light Entertainment will begin. I will create food products and an alcoholic beverage of your choice. I will also be your viewing companion. (CONTINUED)
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12.
NIGEL You can do that? T4 I am programmed for the emulation of enjoyment. NIGEL Back to my ex-wife again. (beat) Look, okay, while you’re here.... You can do these things, but at the end of 3 days, you still go back. Understood T4? T4 Affirmative (Beat). Nigel, please call me, Fiona. NIGEL Okay, Fiona. T4 Thank you, Nigel. Would you like some tea? Ends Performance Time - 10 minutes