Palo Alto Weekly 10.30. 2009-section1

Page 21

Cover Story

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Brazilian percussion maestro Baptista and his high-energy quartet stir up a culturecrossing whirlwind of sound. A Stanford student–curated ensemble, Mariachi Cardenal de Stanford, opens the show with a short set at 8pm.

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Stanford’s own SLSQ launches its annual Sunday series with an engrossing all-Haydn program. Pre-Performance Talk, 1:30 PM: Stanford Professor Jonathan Berger discusses Haydn’s inuence on the Beatles.

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24 Hour On-site Licensed Nurse Services Page 22ĂŠUĂŠ"VĂŒÂœLiÀÊÎä]ĂŠĂ“ää™ÊUĂŠ*>Â?ÂœĂŠ Â?ĂŒÂœĂŠ7iiÂŽÂ?Ăž

Suryana Wildfawn Spicer holds a sign and marches in last week’s Redwood City event to raise awareness about domestic violence.

Domestic violence

Meadow Wing & Focused Care

Call today... 650-494-0760

Veronica Weber

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License #435200706

cut off potential outside influence or support. The abuser may spark fights with friends or family members or may demand the victim choose between them and him. He may claim the victim needs to spend more time with him under the pretense of strengthening their relationship. All these elements were true for Zoe Kunstenaar, who at 16 moved into a West Marin flat with her boyfriend. At first, his obsessive attention flattered her, said Kunstenaar, now a clinical psychotherapist with Silicon Valley-based Guidance for Growth. “It felt like Romeo and Juliet. We had this agreement that we were surviving only for the good of the other,� she said, recalling her darkhaired, slender, 18-year-old “first love.� But soon he began to complain that she was not paying enough attention to him, that she was spending too much time with friends. Thinking they had communication problems, she convinced him, one year into their relationship, that they should see a couples counselor. The therapist asked the boyfriend how much of their free time Kunstenaar should be allowed to spend away from him. “How about 20 percent?� the therapist asked. “No, that’s too much,� he replied. “How about 10 percent?� “No!� “How about 5 percent?�

Then came the crucial, revealing question: “Why should she ever get to spend any time away from me?� That’s when Kunstenaar says she realized his obsession was not about a Romeo-and-Juliet type love. It wasn’t about her happiness at all. His behavior — isolating her from her friends, the angry outbursts, the physical intimidation and sexual coercion — formed a pattern. She was being abused.

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omestic violence can take many forms, but the result is the same: fear. It’s a fear for one’s safety, victims say, a fear of being belittled, of triggering a partner’s anger, of losing one’s children, home or career. Often, the abuse starts small: A critical comment may be dismissed as a joke or an angry word elicits a quick apology. “It’s a slow and insidious process,� said Lorraine Michelle, volunteer-program director for Support Network. “Abusive individuals don’t walk around with a sign around their neck, ‘Get into a relationship with me and I’ll be abusive to you.’� In the earliest stages, hope keeps some people from leaving their partners. “The victim loves him. He’s not a terrible person all the time,� Pyles said. “She remembers how he was when they first started dating, the life they planned. “He says, ‘I’m sorry. I love you. It won’t happen again.’ ... Maybe she thinks he will go to counseling.� It’s all part of a cycle that characterizes many abusive relationships — a cycle in which a couple experiences a honeymoon phase, then ris-

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