›› SiNGLE iN THE SUBURBS
Last train to Clarksville Aging letch running out of sugar-baby options... by N ik k i Silve r ste in
P
erhaps you remember a couple of columns from early last year about the escapades of my friend Clark. He’s the wealthy senior who trolled Craigslist for 20-something women willing to exchange sex for a night on the town. Much to my surprise, he had no trouble finding women game for wining, dining and schtupping. Clark’s ultimate goal was to find one he liked well enough to keep around for a while. If a woman was fortunate enough to make it to the final round, the prize value increased significantly—an apartment and car. I’d like to say he was a benevolent old guy wanting to help a young gal just starting out; however, it’s more accurate to say he was a letch wanting to obligate her for booty calls whenever he felt the need arise. Lots of takers for that arrangement too. I ridiculed and harangued him on a regular basis. His main defense was that women his age have too many expectations. “Like what?” I asked. “Intelligent conversation?” “That’s one,” Clark answered. “You give in on that and next thing you know, they want a commitment.” “A fulfilling relationship with a woman who’s your equal. Scary stuff,” I said. The first woman he put in an apartment was Keri, a grad student. She left when she fell in love with an age-appropriate man. In no time flat, Hailey replaced her. “Isn’t that a little fast?” I inquired. “I have a lease,” he responded. “No sense letting it go to waste.” “Of course not,” I said. “Maybe you could get a two-bedroom apartment and have a lady-in-waiting. That way, there’s no lapse at all between your sugar babies.” Unfortunately for Clark, Hailey was a party girl and never around when he wanted to stop by. He hadn’t anticipated this issue, especially considering he only expected to see her once or twice a week. “I feel taken advantage of,” he complained. “You’re a 69-year-old man enticing vulnerable girls with your money, and you feel used?” I asked. “I’m not sure if I would call that irony or chutzpah.” Eventually he lost interest in the type of woman interested in a sugar daddy. Clark graduated from dating women his granddaughter’s age to dating women his daughter’s age. About six months ago, Clark confessed his true feelings. “I thought sex would be enough, but I’m lonely. I want a companion. Younger than me, but not too young. Maybe I’ll get married again.”
I was verklempt. Our dirty old man is growing up. “Hallelujah, Clark,” I said. “The first thing you need to do is ditch those nasty Craigslist personals. Try Match or eHarmony.” Today, he’s in a bona fide relationship with a 45-year-old woman he met on Match.com. I’ve met Christine several times and I think she’s a great catch— successful, attractive and independent. Like Clark, she owns a beautiful home and loves fine dining. The couple always has reservations at a trendy restaurant and sometimes she even insists on paying the tab. Christine doesn’t want anything from Clark except his company. Great. That’s what Clark wants. Or, at least it’s what he claims to want. Just one problem. Clark’s a man and once a man has what he wants, he doesn’t want it anymore. Poor Christine, heading straight from head-over-heels to heartbreak. “She thinks we should be out constantly.” Clark explains. “She’s never been married, so she’s into that dating scene.” “What scene? You go to nice restaurants, not nightclubs,” I say. “I hate her dog,” he declares. “That’s not a reason for anything.” “She’s young and she stays up too late,” says Clark. “She calls me at 11 and says ‘what are you doing.’ What do you think I’m doing? I’m sleeping.” “You’ll never be happy,” I reply. “I think I should date a woman in her 50s,” he muses. “Of course,” I say, nodding my head. “A 50-year-old goes to sleep earlier than Christine, right?” “Probably,” Clark replies. “Admit that you have no idea what you want,” I demand. “First, it’s 25-year-olds, now we’re up to 45 and you say you need 50. You’re absurd.” “I’m a nice guy,” he says. “No baggage to speak of. Generous. I want someone just like me with a vagina.” “Why don’t you update your online profile with those requirements? Make sure you include your net worth in there, or nobody will respond,” I say. “You want to know the truth?” Clark asks. I nod. “If I loved Christine, none of that stuff would matter. The sad part is that I tried to fall in love with her. I really did,” he said quietly. ✹ Email:nikki_silverstein@yahoo.com
Offer Nikki some helpful advice on TownSquare at ›› pacificsun.com
›› THAT TV GUY
by Rick Polito
FRIDAY, JULY 23 The Late Show with David Letterman Paul McCartney and Bruce Willis are on tonight. It’s been so long since either one of them has had a hit, they got booked on the same night so they could comfort each other. CBS. 11:35pm. Supernatural Tonight they are sending Lucifer back to hell, and they are charging him for luggage, too. CW. 9pm. Dual Survival The two hosts are dropped in the harsh Arizona desert and must find each other before they find a way out.To make it harder, they have to use iPhones and AT&T service. Discovery Channel. 10pm.
ents need to change their wills or hire bodyguards. VH1. 10pm.
SUNDAY, JULY 25 Law & Order: Criminal Intent When a college student is exsanguinated, detectives have to look for witnesses, and a dictionary. NBC. 7pm. Jersey Shore This is the reunion episode where the cast members get back together. It’s like all the other reality show reunions only with more court order violations and mysterious rashes. MTV. 9pm.
THURSDAY, JULY 29 Community Jeff takes the post as editor of the school paper. That’s the kind of thing that looks really good on your resume, right between “fry cook” and “ditch digger.” NBC. 8pm. The Universe Tonight, we learn about the “seven wonders of the solar system,”five of which are in Las Vegas. History Channel. 9pm.
TUESDAY, JULY 27 Breakthrough with Tony Robbins The inspirational speaker and author has a new show where he helps unfortunate people get through crises. Tonight he helps a man who broke his neck on his honeymoon realize that he is a human being and not just a set-up for some lame joke your dad would tell. NBC. 8pm. The Colony The second season of the reality show challenges 10 new people to survive SATURDAY, JULY 24 No Country for Old in a post-apocalyptic sceMen The story of drug nario.To do this, they need to money, a desperate flight, find food, water, shelter and a ruthless killer and a a warlord with whom they haircut that never really can battle to save the future caught on. (2007) KICU. of mankind.The warlord is 7pm. optional though. Discovery Collateral A taxi driver Channel. 10pm. is held hostage by a hitCheerleader Nation The man who demands he team needs to raise money be taken to a series of to get to the national chamcontract killings. In the pionships.With cheerleaders larger cities, the meters Coifed and dangerous, Saturday at 7. we always recommend a car are programmed with wash, even if they don’t need a special rate for that. to raise any money. Lifetime. 10pm. (2004) TNT. 8pm. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation This weekend’s murder victim is a member of a motor- WEDNESDAY, JULY 28 Confessions: cycle gang. Investigators not only have to Animal Hoarding A woman who keeps 87 determine the time and cause of death, they dogs in a trailer. It hardly leaves room for the have to figure out what that one tattoo is meth lab. Animal Planet. 8pm. supposed to be. Is that a Tasmanian devil or Dirty Jobs We’re pretty sure we don’t want a teddy bear with a thyroid problem? CBS. to know what they do at a bone black plant. 9pm. Discovery Channel. 10pm.
Critique That TV Guy at letters@pacificsun.com.
MONDAY, JULY 26 Lie to Me This week, a woman is shot at a political rally. If it were a Tea Bag rally, it would be classified as “death by irony.” Fox. 8pm. The Bachelorette Ali faces all the men she turned down on the show, which is likely good practice for her high school reunion. NBC. 8pm. You’re Cut Off The pampered young Always tip an extra 5 percent on contract killings. Saturday, 8pm. women“graduate” from the program. Turn on more TV Guy at That means their credit card bills no longer ›› pacificsun.com go to their parents. It also means their parJULY 23 - JULY 29, 2010 PACIFIC SUN 23