›› THAT TV GUY
by Rick Polito
mutant deformity and then being asked to save the New Year’s baby, the ostracized reindeer begins to suspect he is being exploited. ABC. 8pm. Dirty Jobs We don’t even know what a “worm grunter” is, but there has to be a better way to phrase that on your resume. Discovery SATURDAY, DEC. 26 Channel. 8pm. Shrek 2 In the sequel, 28 Weeks Later In the Shrek discovers a spell sequel to 28 Days Later, that turns him into a the zombies have been handsome hunk. Of starved out and the course, the spell wears off. In real life that hap- Rudolph’s crew gets even weirder, Tuesday at 8. government prepares to resettle England, pens during the third erecting “Zombie-Free Zone” signs and year of marriage. (2004) ABC. 8pm. My Nanny’s Secret A nanny suspects her mounting a public health campaign to brother murdered a member of her employ- discourage the consumption of brains. (2007) FX. 8pm. er’s family. Not only does she have to solve the WEDNESDAY, crime, but she has to figure out if it’s OK to ask for DEC. 30 Happy New a reference. (2009) LifeYear, Charlie Brown time. 9pm. At this point in the Hudson Plane Crash: holiday cycle, we’re What Really Happened ready for “Give it a rest, We just want to know if Charlie Brown.” ABC. anybody actually used 8pm. the seat cushion as a floCSI: NY When one tation device. The Learnof a pair of shoppers Definitely one of the more questionable images ing Channel. 9pm. who fought over a in the Peanuts canon. Wednesday, 8pm. wedding dress ends up dead, investigators SUNDAY, DEC. 27 Witness: The Kidnapping of Patty Hearst The must determine if it was a murder and also, term “newspaper heiress” always makes us whether the dress made her butt look big. CBS. 10pm. nostalgic. MSNBC. 7pm. The Real World The The Sound of Music new season is set in An authoritarian nanny Washington, D.C.They’ll takes charge of an Aushave the usual selection trian baron’s children, of the black roommate, indoctrinating them the gay guy, the shy with a series of cult-like bible student and the character-building exerone-legged, transgencises. (1965) ABC. 7pm. der orphan. But this year they are throwing MONDAY, DEC. 28 in a special prosecutor. Pirates of the CaribVillage of the Damned—Austria style... Sunday MTV. 10pm. bean: At World’s End at 7. They’re pirates. You’d think one of them would have found time THURSDAY, DEC. 31 Dick Clark’s Primeto steal a script that made sense. (2007) ABC. time Rockin’ New Year’s Eve with Ryan Seacrest The aging pop icon offers Seacrest 8pm. Lie to Me Loker and Foster investigate a troubling glimpse of his future. ABC. 10pm. whether a religious compound is actually Billboard’s New Year’s Eve Live Carmen a cult. We’d check the Kool-Aid first. Fox. Electra is hosting the show from Las Vegas where her breasts are the least artificial thing 9pm. Little Chocolatiers A new reality show you’ll see. Fox. 11pm. about two dwarfs who run a chocolate shop. New Year’s Eve with Carson Daly Where Tune in to see if they live in a hollow tree. The do they keep him the rest of the year? NBC. 11:30pm. < Learning Channel. 10pm.
FRIDAY, DEC. 25 Disney Holiday Parade There’s nothing quite like squinting through a hangover while hundreds of perky stuffed animal characters march through the haphap-happiest place on Earth! ABC. 9am. Oakland Holiday Parade Like the Disney parade, but the guy with the long white beard is panhandling. Fox. Noon. Bad Santa Really the only Christmas movie you can pair with cigarettes and cheap Scotch. (2003) Spike TV. 7pm.
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TUESDAY, DEC. 29 Rudolph’s Shiny New Year After saving Christmas with his
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›› SiNGLE iN THE SUBURBS
Change I can believe in One small step for men would be one giant leap for womankind by N ik k i Silver s t e i n
I
’m making one New Year’s resolution for 2010. It’s not that I don’t need more. Actually, I started with 10, but one of them is hard, so I scrapped the other nine. Before I share this lone goal, I’d like to explain. I spent four decades trying to understand men. Countless books, therapists and conversations with insightful males have brought me no closer to the enlightenment I seek. If I could figure out why men behave strangely, then I could figure out a way to accept them—or better yet—change them. In 2010 and for the rest of my years, I resolve to stop trying to understand and change men. Think of the time I’ll reclaim and the frustration that will dissolve. My mind will be at peace, no longer filled with the antics of men and questions about their motivations. I’ll become more productive and energized. I’ll volunteer at the food bank, write a detective novel, plant a vegetable garden. Zen. Since we still have a week to go before my resolution goes into effect, it seems fitting to finish the year with some observations about men and their inane conduct. Let’s consider barnyard epithets. My friend Melissa, a former model, reported for Marin jury duty. Clad appropriately in a knee-length skirt and long-sleeved knit top, she walked into the chilly courtroom, causing her body to react to the temperature. Another potential juror, a man, gawked at her and yelled out, “Nice headlights.” What chromosome is Mr. Sophisticate missing? That comment would be crude in a bar or at a construction site, let alone in the hallowed halls of justice. Jeez. Last Saturday morning, I was coming off the Headlands trail with my dog and saw two men starting their hike. I stopped to pat the heads of their two Dalmatians as my dog ran up to the taller man. “Is your dog OK?” he asked. I was about to answer that my dog is friendly, when the diminutive man said, “No, he wants to bite your di-- off.” The tall one grabbed his genital area and said, “I’m protecting my jewels.” Even my dog seemed disgusted as he trotted away. I hope the two guys amused each other, because I sure wasn’t impressed. Emma is another friend on the hill. She was standing in our driveway digging in her purse for her keys when she heard a conversation between two men from a nearby balcony. “How are you doing?” asked Man #1.
“Well, I’m 72 and I’m still f--king my wife, so I guess I’m doing pretty good,” responded Man #2. Silence followed. Emma looked up and Man #1 looked down, shaking his head. At least one of those guys had some sense. Beyond crude words and silly gestures, there’s some truly worrisome behavior. My friend Rachel had electrical problems in her place and stayed a few days with her 41-year-old friend Tom, an attorney with a large Tiburon home. While Tom is nice looking and buff from compulsive exercise, he also has an ego to match. “I’m in the top 90 percent of men,” he boasts. He came to this conclusion because he has all his hair, drives an Aston Martin and has a few bucks in the bank. Apparently this gives him license to date women in their 20s and act like a buffoon. Tom claims he’s juggling eight women, ranking them from “classy to booty-call girls.” The women ranked highest are the ones who haven’t slept with him—yet. One evening, Tom had a male friend over for dinner. While Rachel was cooking, she listened to them talk. The friend was going on a third date with a woman and was trying to get her in bed. “She’s just pretending she doesn’t want it so you won’t think she’s easy,” Tom coached. “Don’t let her get away with that. You have to nail her.” When Rachel nailed Tom on that bit of piggish advice, he wasn’t fazed. “If you’re spending money on them, they need to give it up,” he answered. “It made me nervous and scared at the same time,” Rachel told me. “I’m wondering if all men are the same.” I’m concerned too; however, I have a plan. Until we ring in 2010 and my resolution takes effect, I’m going to do my best to change every man I know into a sensitive, respectful human being. I think I’ll begin by interrogating my 80ish father, who’s coming to visit this week. If he’s a current member of the Vulgarity Club, he’ll be resigning when we finish our discussion. Changing the men of the world starts with baby steps. First, my defenseless senior citizen dad, next my almost innocent 6-year-old neighbor Tony. It’s going to be a busy week. < Email: nikki_silverstein@yahoo.com
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