ORIGIN COLUMNIST: BETH SHAW
Although I am a force in the wellness community, I was unable to save the person closest to me from the tragedy that is mental illness. I am the founder and president of YogaFit, the largest Yoga School in North America. For the past 15 years, I have committed my life to the growth and evolution of souls. My every decision has been around my organization—its mission is my dharma, my life’s path. But earlier this year I lost my partner to mental illness, and was devastated that I personally could not save her. D and I met in early 2008 at an animal-rights fundraiser. I found myself staring into the blue eyes of one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. After a year of casual acquaintance, we began working together, and then became romantically involved. We were inseparable, isolated in our own little world. I found myself backing away from friends and relatives, wanting nothing more than to be with her. Like me, D was really into health and wellness; we practiced our yoga together, went to the gym, and ate well. Our time together was joyous, spiritual and complete—I felt like I had found my other half. D had endured a rough childhood and needed to release what she still carried from her past. Her brother had died of a heroin overdose and her sister was an alcoholic. Her father was a killer who, at age 15, shot someone in the face three times, becoming the youngest man ever sentenced to San Quentin. Her mother had recently died with Alzheimer’s. Despite the weight of those experiences, D was innocent like a child, with an inner core that was exquisite, gracious and gentle. Her stunning outer beauty was just as graceful, and I often likened her to a fragile bird. But beyond her luminosity was a deep and dark shadow. D was very intelligent, psychic and intuitive. I have come to learn that people with schizophrenia are often shamans in other cultures. When she told me dead people were speaking to her from the trees, I believed her. My business has been built upon the faith that there is much more than what we can see with our human eyes. originmagazine.com | 48
“I have come to learn that people with schizophrenia are often shamans in other cultures. When she told me dead people were speaking to her from the trees, I believed her.” Over time, I saw her start to splinter: violent mood outbreaks, fits of rage, depression, delusions of grandeur and paranoia. As I struggled to keep things on an even keel, we tried couples counseling. I constantly walked on eggshells. A year into our relationship, I insisted she go to the doctor and get medication. And she did—along with a prescription for green herbal medication. The medication worked fairly well in the first month and then it seemed to work against her. Her fits of rage worsened. She was slipping, and a part of her must have known it. D insisted that we get married, and I agreed, hopeful that maybe she would feel more secure and stable. On Valentines Day, 17 months into our relationship, we went to our nation’s capitol to get married on the steps of Congress. During the next 48 hours together, sequestered in a hotel room, I witnessed her run out of her green herbal medicine and slip from one personality into another, a spiraling from which she has never recovered. When I googled her symptoms, I read about schizophrenia, bipolar mood and borderline personality disorder.