Random Audit: French for Beginners (FRNCH131)

- Joel Collins

Jesus fucking christ man. Last night I was at the Julia Jacklin concert in Auckland, getting the crunkest I’ve ever cranked, and now I’m here in an empty classroom with a hangover and a baguette (or as New World so prudently labelled it, a french stick ????????). As I sit here, spilling crumbs fuckin everywhere, I can’t help but pontificate what it would be like if the French class this was supposed to be was happening now, not in the B trimester as it said very clearly on the schedule. In my mind, everyone is smoking cigarettes and drinking espresso. The teacher is talking wistfully about his bitter ex-wife, and we can’t understand a word he’s saying. We have olive oil and wine to dip our bread into so it’s not so goddamn dry, and it’s happening in the late afternoon instead of zero oclock in the fucking AM. There, there’s the audit, are you happy? I’M NOT! It would be one thing if it was someone else’s fault that I’m sitting here right now, but it was made painfully clear to me that I didn’t have to do this if I didn’t want to. Alas, I was tipsy and couldn’t bear the idea of not eating an entire baguette in a classroom full of nerds. It would have been awesome. Do you know the power one holds when eating a whole stick of carbs in a public setting?????? WELL ME NEITHER BUDDY!

I guess you could consider this a warning shot. No class is safe, even ones that haven’t even started yet. Look out for kooky baguette people storming your classrooms guys, we are gonna flame the shit out of your boring ass professors and your general etiquette. NO ONE’S SAFE!!!!!!!

The concert was fun. It was at the Power Station, kind of a small venue but a lot of personality (there was a picture on the wall that my friend swore was of Paul Dano except it wasn’t of Paul Dano because why the hell would they have a picture of Paul Dano on the wall at a concert hall in Auckland). The opening band was fucking great, called Theres a Tuesday. VERY VERY gay with incredible music, so I recommend them.

Can I just say how unfair this is? I was sent to an empty classroom and now I have to come up with a bunch of words about it. It was supposed to be a bunch of the other nexusers too but they FLAKED because they’re FLAKES (sort of. I mean it’s more like I was the only one who was stubborn enough to actually go through with it purely because of the baguette thing which I DON’T REGRET IN THE SLIGHTEST)!

Final thing: I’ve hidden the baguette somewhere on campus. You will get one hint, and the first reader to find it will get a prize that is currently being decided on (something French for sure). I’ve signed the baguette with a secret word so you can’t commit baguette fraud. If you do find it, drop an email to joel@nexusmag.co.nz with a picture and we will make sure you are duly compensated. Okay, here’s the hint:

Outside the place where trains once stopped, inside that bush with the leaves that flop, I don’t know what the bush is called, I failed bio after all.

I started watching Attack on Titan last year, so in no way do I know the journey of watching it from when it first aired. However, in this short time I’ve become so attached to this story and its characters, and I only have one word to describe this new part: PEAK.

I’ll try not to spoil Part Three for those who haven’t watched it yet.

First off, I will defend Eren Yeager until the day I die. I know how the story ends, but even with what has been shown so far in the anime, I think that Eren is one of the best written fictional characters. This episode, like the last episode of Part Two, goes into more detail about the emotional and psychological impact The Rumbling

has on him, and I find it very easy to understand why he “keeps moving forward”.

Additionally, Mappa did a phenomenal job animating these manga chapters. It’s obviously kind of tiresome that this final season has been split into so many parts, but Mappa has a huge job when it comes to this considering the manga is so detailed. And while I’ve had my thoughts about their animation of the ODM gear in action, they did a great job for this part. One scene in particular (that nearly made me cry, RIP *****), was fucking amazing.

Everything about this part, in my opinion, was just peak fiction. The voice acting. The soundtrack. The character development. Fuck man, if you aren’t watching this, hop on it asap. I’m not emotionally ready for the ending.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not actually a video gamer but imagine my surprise when I rock up to my bros and they’re jamming out to what can only be described as an absolute chaotic clusterfuck of information and bright colours packaged under the guise of gaming entertainment. Even more surprising, there’s fucking 3 of them–what rock have I parked myself under to miss the phenomenia that is goat simulator.

Multiplayer is the keyword I need you to think about when approaching this game. You can share the insanity with a few of your mates, while also rotting your brain along the way. The premise stays roughly the same as far as I can discern. You get dropped into this map where you’re tasked with completing a series of non sequitur quests and feats of chaotic mayhem. You’ll do normal goat shit like drop a nuclear bomb on a culde-sac, or cause a trio of ballerinas to turn into a giant tornado that never goes away for the rest of your adventure, or drive cars into your friends until they explode. All of which adds achievements to your bureau, meaning you can then win. What do you win, I hear you asking? Next question please.

The game is just really meta, being self-referencial while also gaining insightful commentary on gaming culture. It may seem like I’m giving it more credit than it deserves but I can’t help but reflect on Scream or Cabin in the Woods–films so selfaware that the point is gained through intelligent banter and narrative coils unwinding through the premise. I’m definitely giving a game that involves ‘lick’ as one of the main controls too much credit. Though you might encounter the odd glitch or two, it doesn’t detract from the gameplay, and you’ll brush it off as easily as your ragdoll goat getting back to its feet after crash-landing from the top of a never-ending beanstalk. (this is a quote from a mate, my game knowledge wouldn’t allow for in-depth analysis like that)

If you’re looking for hours of mindless entertainment and immense idiocy, then you can fulfil those needs for the low price of $50NZD–-which is a minimal cost for some endless entertainment. Sometimes it’s easier to turn your brain off and buck your hooves at an old lady’s face while she fires a rocket launcher at you. Treat yourself to this if you want to. Just remember that your moral compass changes direction with every little old lady you decide to ruthlessly lick and murder through the entirety of your experience within the realms of the game. The road to hell will be lined with your victims.