who just need one chance at greatness S C H O L A R S H I P A P P L I C AT I O N S ARE NOW OPEN. F I N D O U T M O R E AT WA I K ATO. AC . N Z / S C H O L A R S H I P S
David Bennett List MP based in Hamilton East 510 Grey Street, Hamilton East 3216 davidbennettmp@parliament.govt.nz davidbennett.national.org.nz 07 834 3407
Authorised by David Bennett MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington.
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NEXUS: GETS POLITICAL
The Land of the Free?
6
Darts & Crafts
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Political Scoreboards
9
Slightly Stoned Chef
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Students Can’t Ponder
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Waikato Students' Union
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Don’t Quote Me
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Waikat' Flats
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Fake Dating Profile
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Playlist
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Short News for Tall People
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Snapped
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Jak Unpaks
22
Blind Date
35
Puzzled
37
Two Distant Strangers
28
From Fledging to Film Tour 26
Teen Wolf
28
Anything He Can...
26
The Circle
28
Reo Tauira
27
Dancing with the Devil
29
Student Voice
27
The Dishwasher
29
Yam and Troy...
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I know for a fact that Chlöe Swarbrick’s favourite type of tea is Oolong. I have never met Chlöe Swarbrick but interviewing her on a crochet-knitcovered-couch is a rite of passage in the realm of student magazines. And because I have never met Chlöe, this leaves me in a pompous predicament; I’m struggling to find my identity as an editor because I’m yet to meet radical left-wing politicians. However, I have the gift of discernment and play by stereotypes. Pondering over my own liberal values and others alike, I am led to believe that Chlöe’s favourite type of tea is Oolong. Early Grey is trash, Yorkshire tea is too. Oolong? Not trash. It’s a fine option and one that has become much less rare as Gen Z approaches adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a tea expert and my taste buds aren’t as attuned to some flavours (I like white wine and am prepared to fight anyone who doesn’t). Nonetheless, Oolong tea has reserved a space in my heart as well as Chlöe’s.
So, why is Oolong tea Chlöe’s favourite? For a start, oolong comes from the same plant, Camellia sinensis, that makes both green tea and black tea. Thus making Green tea and the Green Party, in some ways, synonymous. Green tea contains mounds of antioxidants which is said to protect the brain from aging. And that leads me to believe the Green Party drink mounds of Oolong to simply stay youthful. Not only does Oolong have anti-aging properties but it has a far more palatable taste. Chlöe has great taste, not only in tea but in political values and the design of Green Party merch. To be quite honest with you, I am trying to fill space in this editorial and have managed to play into the political trope of saying a lot without actually saying anything meaningful at all. Nevertheless, I know Chlöe will also be visiting the Hamilton campus later this month on the 25th and know that I’ll be ready with two hot Oolong teas and set to complete my rite of passage.
Alexander Nebesky Sarah Hyde Troy Anderson Luka Love
@nexusmag facebook.com/nexusnz Nexus Media Experience
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country with no moral compass, " Aoverpriced medical care, corrupt
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law enforcement, and of course, the raging gun violence.
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hallway in-case I am being shot at
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okay that by age 11 I knew " It’sto not run zig-zag down my school
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GREEN NZ FIRST
MAORI
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10.
They don’t want to meet at the Hilly because they hate the wine list.
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Every time you call them on something racist they turn it into a free speech argument.
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They roll their eyes and say “I guess it’s the women’s turn to speak”.
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They are drinking red powerade.
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Constantly state “Yeah I have had sex” even when no one is talking about it.
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Another member of your group has already changed their facebook name to coloniser.
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The flood of racist memes.
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Has done nothing so far but wants to tell you why your work is terrible.
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Will only go to a cafe to study if they have plastic straws and they can unironically call a waitress “love”.
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Two words. Man perm.
longboi About Me Hi! I’m longboi, I’m not like your average duck boy who’s going to leave you on bread ha ha ha. Quack up. What am I looking for in a woman? I am longing for someone who isn’t afraid to spread their wings and venture out of their comfort zone - try new things. Age: 2 Height: about 28 inches (if that matters) Likes: Stray bread crusts Dislikes: Asshole geese Instgram: @longboiyork
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My ideal date Start with a long (lol) romantic waddle across campus, maybe do some people watching, see if we can scare some children, followed by a delicious meal out of a local, artisanal rubbish bin. Then maybe you could come back to my nest? Whatever you’re into. Favourite joke What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees ha ha ha.
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Scientists have discovered a new species of weta in Taranaki. Named Jacinda for its red body and its overly pandering and optimistic press conferences the new weta is said to be thriving. When asked about her namesake the Prime Minister said she was “delighted”. However this could just be because it stops people referring to her as a praying mantis after she decapitated Clarke Gayford post-coitus.
ANOTHER TARANAKI JOKE Stuff recently published an article on the use of thumbs and fingers as currency in Waihi. The article referenced the days when Waihi was a traditional mining town and it wasn’t uncommon for the local barkeep to collect a finger ($150) or a thumb ($450) and keep them on display to settle a tab. It may seem barbaric but it is the same economic system Taranaki uses today - fortunately, they tend to have six fingers per hand at Massey. UPDATE: After reading this article we have it on good authority Armie Hammer is buying a bar in Taranaki.
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JACINDA THE RED!
FLYING TURTLE
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A 71-year old Florida woman has survived largely unscathed after she was hit in the head by a flying turtle while using a ride sharing service. This, obviously, raises more questions than it answers, mostly around whether the turtle was wearing a mask, and carrying a sword at the time. Yet as many jokes as we could make about the Uber driver being named Shredder and only getting one star, the reality is the moment you read Florida woman you knew it was going to be some fucked up shit.
Jamie Strange MP for Hamilton East
07 839 6803 jamie.strange@parliament.govt.nz
Authorised by Jamie Strange MP, Parliament Buildings, Wellington
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BACHELORETTE After one of my flatmates went on a blind date, I decided I would give it a go too. I thought it would be an interesting story to tell later on and something fun to do on a Tuesday night. When the day had arrived, I’d lost all confidence and was absolutely shitting myself. After a few pep talks from the girls and a couple of drinks to calm the nerves, I made my way to House. We drove around the block three times before I plucked up enough courage to head inside and meet my date. I walked up to the bar and was taken to my table, where I found my date waiting for me. Based on first impressions, I knew he wasn’t someone I would typically go for. Still, I was fully committed to getting to know someone anyway. He was an engineering student who was tall, slim, pretty good looking and seemed like he’d have some interesting chat. We introduced ourselves and decided to take advantage of the $12 cocktails. We talked about what we study and what hobbies we’re into. I could tell that this guy was super friendly and genuine, which made me feel much more comfortable about the situation I had got myself into. At some points, I felt like I was grasping at straws to ask questions and fill in some quiet moments, but those were few and far between. By the end of the date, I had really enjoyed getting to know someone new and enjoyed the experience overall. We both agreed we’d be better as friends and didn’t think anything would go anywhere romantically. We ended up being there for about an hour and a half, much longer than I expected to last. I texted my flatmate, and she showed up to get me in record time, so I ended up leaving my date at the table to wait for his ride… my bad. Overall, it was a pretty fun night, but I don't know if I'd put myself through it again. Cheers Nexus for the experience x
BACHELOR So I walked into House on Hood with a confident mindset, which quickly became a major anxiety when I found I was waiting longer and longer for my date to arrive. I had the shakes, bad, especially since my sister said I probably chose the wrong outfit and it was my first date in a while, let alone a blind date. For about 15 minutes I wondered if it was good manners to order a cocktail prior to her fashionably late arrival at 7:06. It turned out to be an amazing time! We had a great conversation straight away - obviously after some ‘ums’ and ‘aahs’’ and mutual embarrassment, and talked about several things we were interested in and what brought us to the date etc etc. I think we were both just really happy that we didn’t have someone who wasn’t socially awkward. Notable conversation topics included that her friends were in the bar with us, Game of Thrones, that she described herself as ‘mainstream’ when it came to music, that she has watched the Office three times (which honestly, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a crippling addiction), and that she criticized me on how I was using my chopsticks because she eats loads of Chinese. It was clear she didn’t want dessert, so we just had two ‘Toblerone’ cocktails which REALLY hit the spot. We just had a genuinely fun time picking different cocktails and trying new things. We had a quick ‘romance check’ and both agreed that we’d be much better off as friends - like legit, and that whilst we aren’t going on another date it would be really fun to potentially catch up again at a party or something. Don’t really think I could have asked for much more than a free TAB and a really fun person to do it with. I hope she gets to go travelling eventually like she wanted :)
NEXUS
BLIND DATE
She is a second-year teaching student recovering from her first year in College Hall. He is an engineering student with a knack for writing. Will it be a raunchy rendezvous or will they end up like Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson and be better off as friends? WANT TO GO ON A BLIND DATE? EMAIL US AT: EDITOR@NEXUSMAG.CO.NZ NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 9
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