Nexus 2020 Issue 6 - The Quarantine Chronicles 2 by Nexus Magazine

Jamie Strange

List MP based in Hamilton 07 839 6803

jamie.strange@parliament.govt.nz

Unit 5, 1130 Victoria Street (Corner of Boundary Road), Hamilton

/jamiestrangemp

@jamiestrangenz

@jamiestrange_mp Authorised by Jamie Strange, Parliament Buildings, Wellington

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VIRTUAL WSU WSU CLUBS + SOCIETIES

WSU VIRTUAL GREEN

The Virtual Village Green is your chance to stay in touch with the WSU Board and other University students. Come hang out, take one of our polls, start random discussions, read a Nexus. The only thing we can’t do is cook a BBQ… but we are working on it.

WSU ! ARE YOU OK?

Editors

Josh Umbers josh@nexusmag.co.nz Donnella Ngohe donnella@nexusmag.co.nz

Uncle

Yam

QUARANTAINMENT

ponden

as Corres

Overse

“Ah, crap”

Luka Love luka@nexusmag.co.nz Harry Malcolm harry@nexusmag.co.nz

Design + Centrefold Ashlea Curran design@nexusmag.co.nz

Digital Assets

Nat Calvert Nat@nexusmag.co.nz

Advertising + Production James Raffan + Kendrah Worsley comms@wsu.org.nz

Cartoon - Pg. 14 Jack Stack

Contributors

Nathan Rahui

BRIEFING

Onyx Lily Bronwyn Laundry Kyla Campbell-Kamariera Caitlin Walters-Freke

Dylan Todd Grace Mitchell

Nelson Cooper

y ngr

Sean Berry

O VE

R + hu

Lyam Buchanan

HUNG

CONTENTS

Matthew Morris Kelly Lloyd Shannon Morbey Pixie Mark Prisco

Donnella Ngohe / donnella@nexusmag.co.nz

I guess it’s true when they say there’s a first for everything. Never did I imagine I would be here writing an editorial piece for a student magazine. All odds stacked against me with my writing skills tutored by youtube, editing dependent on Grammarly and inspiration drawn from my four wallpaper-less walls. Could this piece get any more exciting?

Speaking of, “Stay home, save lives”? I’m almost certain staying home is comfortable enough (eye’s emoji); however, with a kid and his body parts used for decoration and the teaching skills (revert to youtube tutorials), I’ve developed in the 24-hour turnaround. Ka Aroha whaea Jacinda, the “save lives,” can’t be promised.

We are going through some tough shit. More robust than the Dave West “back in my day” stories, which if you get the time, ask him about it. It’s pretty clear the situation we are all in. Essential workers on shit dollars an hour are keeping the country running and our hopes alive. I mean who else goes to the supermarket to purchase toilet paper to see if anyone else is breathing? Sometimes you have to wonder, Is this the reallife bird box, type of shit? Then, of course, our non-essential workers become crossfit kings and queens due to their workload being heavier now then physically going into work. This and realizing that a gym membership isn’t a necessity and the grass patch with Kmart weights are workable.

What I can promise is a jam-packed line up we have for you. Jack stack is back, back again (too much?) Quarantine diaries have been refreshed ready for a study break. The big boss is addressing those hard issues—sex in the Tron and Aunty slut team up for some double trouble. Queen K is in the kitchen with some creamy delights and, of course, some of your all-time favorites to keep you quaran-tained with a surprise from Lyam for all your day one followers.

Then there is us, the students. The MP’s aim during the election year. We pay $800+ per paper to be taught via Facebook messenger, Powerpoint, or Zoom. Panopto and the internet are out of the game with the crash rates higher than the road toll and connection weaker than the journalist questions at the 1 o’clock announcements. Surely a refund is in order? And yes, before this all spirals out of control, I know it can’t be helped, and it makes more sense, but if I can’t use this platform to voice our frustrations. Where can I do it? If Australia can give our pavlova rights back to us in exchange for our prime minister shit, anything is possible.

In saying all of this e te iwi, all the dry humor aside. Look out for your loved ones, keep them close but the fridge closer. Take this time to reset, learn what makes you, you. Appreciate the fresh air, birds chirping, and the restoration of papatūānuku. Lastly, but yes, the most important thing is to prove Youtube is just as useful as your lecturer. Manaaki whenua, manaaki tangata, haere whakamua. Dee x

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

Embracing The Solitude - Luka

My Bananas Still Aren’t Ripe - Sean

As Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote “Hell is other people” and I am in heaven. I cannot tell you how long I have been in government enforced isolation. Nor can I tell you how much longer it will be. It is not so different from my self-imposed isolation spanning the many years up to now. I am happily sequestered away on a bush block in the northern Waikato writing and studying and working remotely. To me this moment of enforced downtime is a gift and I am profoundly grateful for it. I don’t have to talk to or listen to anybody, I don’t have to leave the house, and the apparent weirdness of my lifestyle choices can be explained away by the weirdness of the times. I am living my best life. I cook nice meals, walk in the woods, read a lot (currently engrossed in a science fiction novel, a fantasy series from my childhood, a book on herbal medicine, a history of the human species and tomes on thermodynamics and classical mechanics) and am working my way through the Witcher 3 on PlayStation. I have maintained a routine. I wake around 7am, have coffee, sometimes breakfast and get stuck into the various tasks of my choosing for the day. I sleep around 11pm although I wake regularly during the night to enjoy the quiet darkness. My main cause of melancholy is the knowledge that this will end and I will be dragged kicking and screaming back into the world, much the same as I reluctantly entered it to begin with. If only life could always be this simple but no, we ruined it with capitalism and now we have to pay for the privilege of our suffering. Can we re-elect COVID for a new term? Yours sincerely, #TeamPandemic

I have lost my mind. I have truly reached the height of insanity and depression. Maybe I should start writing Whelmed. submissions because I really am overwhelmed. The flow of Uni is nearly non-existent and yet assignments are rolling in. Classes are incoherent, my tutor didn’t even join Zoom this morning, but here we are, our $8000 education. A series of videos comparable to 2010 YouTube or the original Harlem Shake at best. There is one redeeming factor. The lecturer who talks to his son’s teddys. Yes, you know who you are. A truly precious soul and the highlight of Panopto. Every time he says: “Welcome back to another Oscar winning performance.” I can’t help but agree. Not all heroes wear capes but this man should probably start. (Giraffe was my favourite). As for what has driven me insane. A lack of drive, believe it or not. A lack of drive actually drove me somewhere, strange I know, but it will all make sense. You see, the situation has made me realise one thing, time truly does not exist. Sure, there are clocks and the sun rises and sets and there’s 24 hours in a day, but none of this is real. It is all something, some dude decided hundreds of years ago. Some random bloke decided that when the sun was in line with that part of the planet it would be 11.59pm on that part of the planet. You see where I’m going with this? THEN, some other bloke decided this was a great time for my 2000word essay to be due in a week’s time. But it’s still a week away, because we decided last week didn’t count. See how quickly deadlines fell apart? That’s because time itself is merely a social construct which can be changed and woven by the powers that be.

I bet you thought I was exaggerating when I said I had gone insane, and I bet you feel wrong now. My brain is traveling at speeds I can’t keep up with. I don’t need social distancing, I need socializing. I don’t need selfisolation, I need with-people-isolation. I need mates, a beer, a little DnB and my beezy. But that my friends, is far too much to ask. Stay safe, and stay inside, no matter how mad you go. Furthermore, my bananas still aren’t ripe.

Sleep and Exercise - Caitlin So I have spent over a week in self-isolation and I am coping a lot better than I thought I would. I didn’t expect to be doing as well as I am. I am not insanely bored as I have things to entertain me such as watching YouTube, talking with friends, exercising and I suppose Uni work occasionally. Everything is crazy right now, no one is allowed to leave their house, non-essential shops are closed, my street is full of people “exercising” so they can leave their house without getting arrested. However, the strangest part about all this is I have socialised with more people during this pandemic than I did all throughout my 5 years at high school. Facebook and Messenger are great and I love talking to my friends, but I really do need to take a break from it, (seriously, it’s been days, my thumbs can’t take much more typing). Since I have been locked in my house since the 23rd and am definitely an expert, I have 2 very important tips that I’m going to share:

Zoom Pub Quizzes, Mum’s Cooking, and Existential Dread - Grace I’m a person wired for novelty. Can’t stand doing the same routine two days in a row. Barely cook the same meal twice. Change up the alcohol I drink every weekend (or within the night. Like, 5 times minimum). So quarantine-induced Groundhog Day isn’t going so well; I haven’t been this close to psychosis since December 30th, RnV. I started iso with grand dreams of learning languages, instruments, building abs and solving the unknowns of quantum physics. Well, it turns out that a thicc uni workload mixed with significantly reduced motivation levels doesn’t combine so well to free up time for solving cosmic string theory. Like anyone else, I’ve had ups (namely rediscovering the joys of mum’s cooking, Zoom pub quizzes with the crew, and of course, the shitness of it all producing a beautiful camaraderie manifesting as a fantastic, rapidly evolving blend of memes and shitposts) and downs. Even with the downs, there’s a bright side - I’m more grateful than ever for my family and friends, and my crying playlist is looking more stacked than ever.

1. Don’t stay up until midnight for 5 days in a row talking to your friends. If you do, you will have a mental breakdown and spend a whole day feeling like death. If you ignore this advice: sleep it off and you’ll be fine. 2. Actually go outside your house. Don’t misunderstand this! Don’t go anywhere but step outside your house for a minute and get fresh air, maybe even sit down and watch your neighbours wander around because they’re just as bored as you. It means you might be able to think clearly and gives you a reason to procrastinate from anything you need to do. Plus, we should enjoy the nice weather while we have it because, by the time we get out of this, the weather will probably be shit. (Or if you’re that desperate to avoid this, open a window at least, it’ll air out the house and get rid of the B.O and cat piss smell.) But other than that, quarantine’s fine. If anything, I’ve basically been giving a paid, month-long teaching recess. I don’t really have any form of routine because I’m lazy and don’t want to set one up so I just live one day at a time hoping I don’t die. I’m just hoping that people do what they’re told and aren’t idiots so it means we can get out of this as soon as we can.

Seriously though, the mental part is hard. My capacity to overthink has donated me plenty of mini hyperventilation episodes. A tendency towards feeling numb. A dash of existential dread. Stress headaches aplenty. I know friends struggling with much worse. I’ve definitely felt like taking a holiday from my own mind, but since that’s not really going to happen, instead I’ve been trying to make it a better place. Selecting thoughts like selecting clothes in the morning. Making sure to focus on all the good and not letting privilege cloud my judgment. Taking a break, going outside, reducing screen time all that eye-rolling stuff that actually does really help. To be safe right now is to be fortunate. We’ve got this, team. Much love.

For more stories visit Nexusmag.co.nz

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

Nexus fixes poverty Josh Umbers

Anyone else a little sick of this already? Since we can’t do anything about the global pandemic or the associated quarantine I thought I would turn my attention to something I can solve. New Zealand Poverty and Income Inequality. Some of you may be thinking that is a little ambitious but with the lack of alcohol or the ability to buy weed (happy 4/20) I’m thinking clearer than ever before. Others may also say that it isn’t really the responsibility of Nexus to solve poverty and we should leave it to the politicians. Currently the politicians are a little busy, and even if they weren’t it seems our local politicians on both sides they are busy trying to out “Religious conservative each other on issues like the right to die with dignity, a woman’s right to choose, and drug reform… you know the important debates that don’t seem to have two sides in Hamilton East.

to the point where you need to be able to finance a million dollars to own property in Auckland. The simplest and most prominent factor is that successive governments since the 1980s have done more to widen the gap than fix it. Muldoon’s think big was a glorified version of Reaganomics, Lange’s government undertook the biggest reforms of government assets and sold anything owned by the state under the “left wing” Richard Prebble. Jim Boldger came in and handed the reins of social development and welfare to Ruth Richardson, an undead vampire who fed for centuries on the grief and misery of anyone under the poverty line.

But if this quarantine has taught me anything, and it absolutely hasn’t, it’s that when we actually want to get things done we can. So let’s take a look at why things are so fucked up in the first place.

In the late 90s and early 2000s New Zealand got better at dealing with the poor. Well they got better at assigning the blame on the poor people themselves. We created wonderful phrases like entitlement generation, painted pictures of people on the benefit buying multiple gaming consoles and living off cigarettes and takeaways while enjoying the $120 a week that came from hard working taxpayers.

HOW DID WE GET HERE? There are a variety of factors that lead to wealth inequality and abject poverty. In New Zealand but to say the gap between rich and poor is getting wider is an understatement. In New Zealand the top 10% of wage earners have more than the bottom 51 percent combined. Home ownership costs have steadily risen

Of course the best at it was unquestionably Bill English who enabled the key government to make all sorts of sweeping reforms while giving tax breaks to oil companies and “job creators” while they kept us focused on real issues like whether gay people could get married, and how much land James Cameron could buy in Queenstown.

This doesn’t even touch on the generations of students that are drowning in debt, the shoddy conditions of rental living, rising healthcare costs, and the fact that avocados cost more than fucking Fruit Loops. Or the fact that idiot local councillors were saying we should round up the homeless and drive them out of the city. Apparently the only crime that particular councillor was happy with was the white collar fraud he was convicted of. We are, without doubt through the dystopian looking glass. ARE THERE SOLUTIONS TO POVERTY I hope so, otherwise we are wasting peoples time here. But like anything else there isn’t just a simple poverty switch. To fix generational poverty you have to fix social factors that create poverty and limit social mobility. There is a symbiotic relationship to the social factors, economic factors, and fixing poverty. Some of these solutions aren’t going to be popular, some aren’t going to be easy, and almost all of them won’t happen if Simon Bridges got elected. 1. Universal Minimum Basic Income This one is both self explanatory and contentious. Pay everyone aged 18-65 $250 a week. That creates a floor for your income, a minimum basic income, that way you are still incentivised to join the workforce without risking losing entitlements. Anyone who is receiving the UMBI without working for more than 12 months needs to be registered and bonded to a charity or community service organisation which would include places like arts Waikato. 2. Close all private schools Studies have shown that standardising education quality and layout of schools while removing testing and focusing on educational outcomes works. Getting rid of private schools means that both wealthy families and impoverished ones stop living in a bubble. It also means that communities are working to have the best education standards for all people. 3. Take GST off all fresh food and produce Could this be seen as complete overreach and the state trying to tell people they need to make better choices or pay higher premiums, absolutely. But healthier people mean less stress on our health system. 4. Make commercial cigarettes illegal. Legalise weed How many dairy robberies do we hear about these days? Because the policy of raising taxes on cigarettes doesn’t work. I smoke a pack every two days and I couldn’t tell you how much cigarettes cost. But I am lucky to be able to live comfortably. These taxes target the poor. Why? Because we want to be smokefree by some arbitrary date. If you want to be smoke free just make it illegal to commercially sell cigarettes. Legalise weed and growing tobacco and we will all find a way to be clean and green.

5. Implement a better progressive tax system Simplify the tax system and make it so those on the least are paying the least. Get rid of secondary tax, raise taxes on everyone but give them more services in return. Is it Redistribution of wealth, yeah. Are the wealthy still going to find a way to make money? Yeah 6. Regulate the housing market, give up the ¼ acre deam The government can mandate tomorrow that all housing and construction loans will have a 3% interest rate for the life time of the loan and make that 1.5% for people living in container housing or transportable homes. Add in a requirement that people need to have solar solutions and all of a sudden you are creating more housing for more people. 7. Nationalise any service deemed essential to your way of life Why the fuck is there a market for the production of power, or the internet? I’m not anti capitalism, i’m just against making a profit on everything. Don’t even get me started on having to pay to watch national sports teams and domestic competitions. 8. Free education I am so sick of the “You can’t have free education because I didn’t” argument. Knowledge is a public good that is of benefit to the entire society. If anyone disagrees with that they should binge watch some MTV, TLC or E! And see what happens when you glorify stupidity. 9. Capital gains, Death, Robin Hood, Oil and Churches If you want the mainline socialism here it is. Implement a capital gains tax, because you can play landlord to the world all you want but the state should get its cut. Implement a death tax on estates past a threshold , because inherited wealth shouldn’t be tax free that’s how we get the Trumps. Implement a Robin Hood tax where bankers, traders and financial speculators pay between 0.05 and 0.1% on all transactions. Remove tax exemptions for oil speculation and churches. 10. Feed, clothe, and house the homeless Most of the first nine are long term solutions that could help the homeless eventually but the simplest answer is this. Feed them, give them clothes, buy a camping ground and give homeless people caravans and housing in it. Bond them to community jobs to give them a sense of purpose, and for fraction of them who are addicted to substances or need help with their mental health, fucking give it to them. Surely after this pandemic the lesson is we could be better and we could do more! NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

FEEL GOOD NEWS 27-year-old Englishman Sam Hustler completes a halfmarathon on his balcony for charity following COVID-19 shutdown. He ran 21km by doing 5000 laps of his balcony.

Scientists from Harvard found amino-acids lodged in a meteorite, and confirmed

them to be part of a unique complete protein structure seen nowhere on Earth.

The Sikh community of Sydney, Australia has spent over $4,000 Australian dollars on a food donation program for elderly folks stuck in self-isolation.

Researchers have developed the first blood test that can accurately detect more than 50 types of cancer before

there are any clinical signs or symptoms of the disease.

40-year-old Jo Bowtell has launched The Virtual Pub Facebook page and has been regularly hosting live music, quizzes, DJ sets, open mic, and comedy nights. It was initially meant to bring her community together but now has had over 14,500 customers worldwide.

A New Jersey man is winning hearts across social media after he was photographed using a cardboard sign to express his gratitude to Morristown Medical Center workers who saved his wife.

62-year-old Australian cafĂŠ owner Pete Darmos spent one afternoon handing out money to people left unemployed by the COVID-19 shutdowns. He withdrew

$10,000 cash and handed out each of the $100 notes to the people standing in line at the nearby Centrelink location.

Diminutive post TOP 10

things I can’t wait to do once I’m out of quarantine

for seats in a packed student centre - always gives 10. Hunt me a bit of a thrill

Middle aged women becomes overnight environmentalist We recently interviewed Deb 38, a

worker at ‘full time mummy’. “Honestly someone just needed to get the word out about this, I’ve seen so much news on Facebook”. What Deb refers to is of course the global instances of nature remediation. “So I saw on Facebook, in Venice, which is in Italy, there are no people, and dolphins have come back. Dolphins. In Venice. Crazy!” An enthusiastic rant then ensued for the next 5 minutes. “Humans need to make changes in their daily lives, at least that’s what I saw on Facebook, also I saw this thing that said “this isn’t the virus, Humans are the virus making Mother Earth sick”. Where Deb gained this unique perspective and wisdom from remains a mystery, sources say it was the reliable, trusted news source, Facebook. Nexus says change the world Deb!

Actually set foot on campus - kidding, that never happened anyway

Go to the gym - time is running out to get #shreddedforrhythm

Go out to brunch with the girls - my Instagram has been lackin’

Hit the beach - it will be cold, but I’ll do it for the gram

Get playing social sport - really want to break some ankles

Hit House on Hood on a saturday - I really miss the sift

Sesh - self explanatory

Have fast food once again - unhealthy, but the cravings are there

See all my friends - just really miss the homies

WHATS HOT Local dad offers meat to known Vegetarian

Nexus has been informed that at one of the nation’s last neighbourhood BBQ’s, before the lockdown gripped the nation, a local dad asked his vegetarian niece if she wanted any of the meat he had prepared. Bill, dad of 3, uncle of 6, is always the man in charge of the BBQ at family get togethers. He’s man’s man, calls a spade a spade and wears his heart on his sleeve. But Nexus has been informed that Bill is somewhat of a comedian. “Honestly it just came out of nowhere, got her good, absolutely priceless” says William, son of Bill. Georgia, the vego in question however didn’t seem to appreciate the sheer genius that was Bill’s comedy. “He’s such a wounder, it’s only him and my cousin who find it funny”. Bill carried on into the night with his head held high. Nexus can confirm Bill can cook a mean snag.

Rock it or not it music review Hijacking streams on Facebook Aunty Jacinda’s leadership Essential workers Accepting your drinking nominations on snapchat

WHATS NOT Culture Kings People who wear Culture Kings Potentially no international artists coming to NZ for a year All of Auckland How hard it is to keep a routine at the moment

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

READ THE BOOK When it comes to reading the book vs watching the movie, reading has to win hands down. If you want to actually do something with your life, that is. If your ultimate ambition is to veg out and burn through your brain cells one by one while you perfect the ass-shaped dent in your couch then sure, watch the movie. Reading improves your life. And it’s not just English lecturers trying to sell you on ENGLI100 saying that, it’s real, proper science. With MRIs and brain scans and shit. Reading will: - strengthen your brain (smarter) - make you more empathetic (nicer) - improve your vocab (flexer) - prevent cognitive decline (smarter longer) - reduce stress (calmer) - help you sleep better (awake-er) - alleviate symptoms of depression (happier)

It’s kind of a no brainer. And it actually doesn’t matter what you read, as long as you’re reading. If you want to read 50 Shades, or your grandma’s well-thumbed Barbara Cartland romances, no-one’s going to judge you. Okay, that’s a lie, they totally are. But you can feel smug in the knowledge that it’s better for your brain than binge-watching Tiger King. Unlike many other things that are good for you, like burpees and eating salad, reading is actually fun! A well-written book will take you out of yourself and into a whole new world – which is particularly useful in this time of staying the fuck at home. Armchair travel via book-reading has the thumbs up from NZ’s mum, Jacinda. Whether you like comics and graphic novels, audiobooks, young adult paranormal romance or James Joyce, reading will make you a better person. So next time your hand twitches towards your phone for a mindless scroll through your mate’s dodgy insta feed, try picking up a book instead. Your brain will thank you for it.

SPONSORED BY

SHOW ME THE MOVIE For this argument to work, we’re all going to have to admit one thing; we’re a little bit self-entitled. But it’s not completely our fault! The beauty of being a millenial is that we can look at all the boomers of the world and follow in their footsteps and just blame someone else. So that’s what I’m going to do, and I blame you… world. The advances in technology these days are crazy and it’s happening so rapidly. Everything is so readily available at our fingertips and we want it all instantly. It’s turning us all into impatient and demanding pricks. Need to shop? Go online. Wanna hook-up? Swipe right. Need to see the next episode? Just stay in bed and binge watch it like the slob you are! (@myself). Which leads me to the point of this whole argument; we don’t have time to read books. We need it summarised, we need 12

bright lights on a big screen and see hot people acting. Reading eats away at the precious time we do have and we need all the time we can get. Like for slaving away to afford a house and solve climate change to save the planet and buy us just a little bit more time - thanks again boomers. But above all this, reading is just... boring. I had the novel ‘Room’ sitting in my car for the last 6 years, to read, but then Netflix uploaded the movie version of it and now I don’t need to. I’ve saved myself a few hours to do whatever, like write arguments in Nexus. And to be fair, if there was a movie version of this article I’d tell you not to even bother reading this. I wouldn’t even be mad.

R T

REO TAUIRA

Wicked Waiata: Noho Rāhui Edition Kyla Campbell-Kamariera

For those of us who have the whārns withdrawals hard and are missing the weekly jam sessions, we’ve got you covered! Learn your words during the rāhui and you’ll get that front row Waiora spot for sure! We’ve compiled some staple anthems that you’d usually hear all around the University. Starting with “Anō te pai”, “Tūtira” and “Aku mahara”. Give us a G! Anō te pai nō te Paipera Tapu Hei ora mō ake tonu e Anō te pai te āhuareka e Te nohonga o ngā teina O ngā tuakana, kōtahi ana rā I runga i te ara pai

Kei te tōmairangi o Heremoana e Ki te maunga o Hiona I whakahauatia te kupu o Te Atua Hei ora mō ake tonu e Tūtira mai ngā iwi nā Wi Te Tau Huata E ngā iwi e, haere mai, haere mai Tūtira mai ngā iwi, aue! Tātou, tātou e Tūtira mai ngā iwi, aue! Tātou, tātoue e Whaia te māramatanga Me te aroha, e ngā iwi Kia tapatahi, kia kotahi rā Tātou, tātou e

Aku Mahara nā Haki Tuaupiki Tū mai koe taku taonga Paiheretia mai ō iwi Ko te tangata te tohu, aue Aku mahara ka pari Aku roi ka heke Ki runga i te whenua Ngā wawata i puāwai

Nā te iwi koe i tiki Ngā kete o te wānanga I pikitia ai e Tāwhaki aue He kawe irirangi He kawe irikura Kapohia kia ū Whakareia kia mai Hei raukura e Tirohia iho mai Ko te ohonga ake Ngā tini o iwi Ngā pua te kōwhai He tangata ki te ao Tū mai koe taku taonga Paiheretia mai ō iwi Ko te tangata te tohu, aue Te Whare Wānanga o Waikato He aha te mea nui o tēnei ao? He tangata He tangata He tangata, hī! For more wicked waiata, the tune and actions join the Te Waiora 2020 Facebook page! NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

FROM THE EDGE OF THE APOCALYPSE #2

“Ah, crap” 14

First things first, hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an amazing and powerful themed playlist curated by Dylan Todd to help with the isolation blues

PLAYLIST

isolation bops Dylan Todd

PLAY NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22

This is that part of the party where the only light is from the bare bulb in the toilet, people are passed out on couches and the stereo is crooning to an empty room. Get used to the metaphor.

When this is all over your End Of The World Party will be the most celebrated and widely talked about party of the decade amongst the survivors.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22

Nothing will ruffle you this week. Nothing can ruffle you because nobody is allowed to go anywhere. If only it was like this all the time.

Even though you’ve been classified as an essential service and it makes you feel useful, try not to resent those who are still getting paid to do absolutely nothing.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22

You don’t like being told what to do but here is what you have to do. Do nothing that requires being anywhere or doing anything. Just like all of your relationships, this too will end soon enough.

Op shops will no longer take your second hand clothing as beautiful and unique as it is. You should cut it up to make new cyberpunk costumes for the impending apocalypse.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21

Those that have to live with you for the next four weeks are incredibly grateful for how comfortable you have made the home bubble. You can stop reminding them about it now.

Be kind to the people around you at a time like this. It will be hard, no doubt, but it will be even harder for the coroner to prove your cause of death wasn’t the coronavirus once the cordon lifts.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21

All of your friends are talking about you behind your back. They’re saying the exact same things you said about others. How that feels to you now tells you what kind of person you are.

You’re probably right and you’re used to being so but your previous opponents were merely human and it’s really hard to argue with a pandemic.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22

CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19

There are far worse places to be than where you are right now but try not to think about that or you may end up making this place like that place even if it’s all in your head.

Don’t let that lady at the supermarket take the last roll of toilet paper. You saw it first. Approach her mumbling, mop your brow and cough loudly. That should get you anything you want.

Mullet of the Week - Mike Nelson Cooper

Nexus: Can you quickly introduce yourself? Mike: I’m Mike, I’m from Hamilton. Nexus: Okay, so walk us through your mullet journey? Why did you decide to get one? Mike: Oh, had one a few years ago and missed being part of the ol’ Mullet Community. Nexus: Who cut your mullet? Mike: Isaac Pennings, the Mobile Mullet Barber. Nexus: Can you describe that situation for us? Mike: Went down to his place after talking me into it that day. Nexus: Can you describe the service he offers? Mike: The best mullet cutting around. Nexus: If you were to describe your mullet, how would you describe it? Mike: A bit short at the moment, needs some work. Nexus: Can you describe for us the New Zealand Mullet Community?

Mike: Oh it’s wicked, you see someone with a mullet and there’s respect. As you say, it’s definitely a community. Nexus: How have people reacted to your mullet? Mike: Oh it’s been wicked aye, yeah good. Everyone reacts the same to a mullet I guess. Nexus: Yeah yeah. Have the interactions with females gone alright since you got a mullet? Mike: Doubled at least. Nexus: And do you think having a mullet is going to affect your rugby playing abilities? Mike: Oh definitely, it’s safe to say it increases stamina by at least 50% as well. Nexus: Shit. Do you have any words of advice for people considering mullets? Mike: You should definitely give it a go. You won’t regret it. Nexus: And just lastly, is there anybody you want to thank? Mike: Issac Pennings for the mullet.

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

Tiger King The new most talked about Netflix release, out the gate main character.

Cheer Cheer documentary with sick tricks and performances plus the less glamorous side to the sport.

Continue to follow these diaries and more on nexusmag.co.nz

QUARANTAINMENT 18

NETFLIX SERIES

Dare Me Drama and cheerleading, why wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you want to watch it.

Lucifer Hot lead actor, mystery and the devil loose on earth. Enough said

ONLINE GAMES

The Sims 4 Perfect to keep you entertained for hours during the lockdown period. Get creating your slightly disfunctional families, steal someone’s household, choose new careers (yes stripping is a career choice on Sims 4 expansion pack) flirt with your friends bf. Have fun with it, hours of time filled in and it’s not like you have anything better to do than to watch your sims “wooohoo” in the hot tub. Currently at a reduced priuce of $14.

House Party Houseparty, you’ve probably heard of this one! If you’re stupid enough to download (there have been hacking rumours). Talk some mad shit with your mates and leave the room unlocked so randoms can sneak in just like those uninvited guests at your Greensboro drinks.

Playing Cards Sick of the people in your bubble? Play your favourite games online with pals such as cards against humanity, checkers, go fish. Cards Against Humanity goes hard and even harder with a drink in your hand however wouldn’t recommend viewing on a phone, a computer is best.

Quiz Planet Sick of the people in your bubble? Play your favourite games online with pals such as cards against humanity, checkers, go fish. Cards Against Humanity goes hard and even harder with a drink in your hand however wouldn’t recommend viewing on a phone, a computer is best.

WEIRD WEBSITES Quick, Draw! You have 20 seconds to draw whatever the website has picked for you. The neural network will try to recognise the drawing. A little bit of fun if you can’t draw.

Cat Bounce If you are starting to get really bored or or your flatmates are pissing you off, Cat Bounce may just be for you.

B YOUTUBE RABBITHOLES Send in the strangest, most cursed youtube channels you address) to have it featured here!

Buzzfeed Unsolved

“Spider Man/ Elsa” Category: Crime

Category: Strange These are 20 minute or so long episodes on unsolved missing Most famousorstrange Youtube persons murder cases. channel The genre. hosts run over and give a timeline Channel contains aimed of events andsurreal offer videos thoughts andat theories along the way. It makes undertones. These types of videos get for easy watching if you’re not up millions of views and sparked the for using your brain too “ElsaGate” controversy duemuch. to its innapropirate nature

Joe Rogan Clips/Podcasts Category: Informative Category: Cursed

Most famous podcast in the world. Contains all sorts of educational informative of discussions An extremely cursedvideos video from 2009 of with all kinds of experts just an animatronic woman singing aor pop overall song. This videointeresting was meantpeople. to show You the will find interviews of people like Elon somewhere the Bilzerian, uncanny valley. This Musk,inDan and Edward channelSnowden. has a lot of conspiracies around it.

Digger Videos

“Surreal Category: Educational/ Entertainment Entertainment”

The videos that seem to have

category: surreal every young bloke in New

Zealand watching them right now. You can either watch a video of some bloke loading trucks for half an hour, or you can watch a doco on how they’re built. Either way, they’re fucking awesome.

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

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As the lockdown cracks on, we’re catching up. Belfast might technically be in the UK, but at this point, our daily death rate isn’t anywhere near as spooky as the mainland; however, by the time this is published we could easily be writhing in our own shit. At this point, the city is still in the process of repurposing, any location capable of controlled public gatherings is steadily being converted into nightmarish testing facilities, temporary morgues, or makeshift hospitals. We’re living the dream.

Uncle Yam

pond Overseas Corres

Despite the constant onslaught of constant reminders of how “the worst is yet to come”, “the UK will be hardest hit over Easter”, and “death tolls across Europe continue to skyrocket” - the rickety streets of Belfast remain fairly calm. I’ve been standing in line at local convenience stores while customers have spun yarns to the poor cunts behind the till about how they’re living with someone who’s confirmed positive, before nonchalantly suggesting to “chuck some gloves on in case they catch it lol”. Nobody seems too bothered. It’s as if this advice to act as if we already have it has made the whole situation more of a waiting game, rather than an attempt to steer clear of contraction. Alas, in the confines of my fairly Coronation Street style flat it’s business as usual. Following real-time COVID-19 analytics like a sadistic Wall Street protagonist cliche, fuelling existential

At this point, cabin fever seems to be the primary worry, other than the apparent tsunami of cases we’re due for next week. Without the beckoning call of ruining your life every weekend, there’s little point in tracking what day it is, there’s barely a reason to hold a sleep schedule let alone eat enough to be entirely cognisant. With all of this cracking on, there’s nothing more I crave than a dingey smokers area. The idea of being surrounded by fuck knows who, existing in your most cunted state, being shoved about by the sweatiest of creatures, having someone spilling half their drink on your fake Tommy Hilfiger shirt while scuffing your prized town shoes in the process. Human contact. It’s times like this that make me wish I drunk that ominous beverage that’d been ashed into and abandoned, just for the sake of risking my health, living in a time where the worst thing you could catch was fixed using the flat sink, multisurface spray, and ignoring it until it went away.

In reality, I’m doing a shocking job at being the European correspondent. Truth is I have absolutely no fucking clue what’s going on, nobody really does. My greatest contribution to this whole situation was half-heartedly considering one of the many “Clap for the NHS” events m - standing on our doorsteps clapping for the public health e Ya system to compensate for the lack of adequate fundingUncl Corre seas and support by the government. It’s grim. At this point the Over summary is more or less the same, cunts are still fucked, people still look like they’re about to have a stroke when you jog past on the street, and the vast majority of lads are now either sporting a semi-polished dome or taking this opportunity to grow out their pubic facial hair. NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

The sesh as we know it is on hold for now. We must be patient for the golden days to come back where you’d just get absolutely plastered with the lads. However, thanks to snapchat you can get absolutely maggoted by yourself. Unless you’re living under a rock you’ve probably been nominated to smash back a vessel by one of your friends on snapchat, or even gone one step further and absolutely written yourself off in front of your parents. I have, but it wasn’t in front of my parents, and I got torn a new one the next day. God I love the piss.

DRINK OF THE WEEK Yankee Blue vodka

Setting you back a cool $29 you know this won’t fuck around. This vodka will be the irish priest and you, the small boy. In terms of value for money you won’t find much better in terms of taste you will find much better. Once I went up to the cashier and asked if this was a good drop to see his reaction as I knew it would taste like paint thinner. The dude lied through his teeth and said it was “real smooth” and “very tasty”. That’s fine, gotta respect the hustle from the dude.. Last time I got under a bottle of this I called the bouncer a pile of spare parts and woke up smelling like a foreskin in a stranger’s bed 4 stars, recommend it to your run of the mill breather. 26

BRIEFING RED CARD IDEA Swamp Juice

It’s similar to the idea of jungle juice however it’s far worse than jungle juice in terms of shitness and pain. Hence the name swamp juice. Get your group of mates and split into teams of an equal number. Each of you should buy alcohol between 12-16 standards ie a box of Waikato. 2 of you could team up and buy a 30 standard bottle vodka for the both of you if need be. You get the idea, you’re not stupid. Or are you? If you attempt this you probably are. The amount of standards you buy can be altered if you are light weights but I encourage you to challenge yourself. Now that each member of your team has their own box we enter stage 2. Pour the team’s alcohol into a single bucket, mix, and grab a glass. First team to finish their vile concoction of swamp juice wins.

SESH WARS EPISODE 7: The King and I

Me and the boys suited up for what would turn out to be one of the more eventful hospo nights of my young life. After a night of shenans in shenans we decided that it might be time to hit the road just before close. We went into the empty alleyway down to the Outback to call in our sober D. Now this is where things picked up. Some group of wounders came up to us spouting off about how they worked for the Lawrenson group and how we shouldn’t be down here. One of the more wounding members repeated about how he worked for John Lawrenson, as if that made him some sort of fucking hero. Anyway after a few insults chucked back and forth at each other he pushes my mate and it’s all on from there. Before I could get a good lick in, a large homeless man came steaming in like fucken Ben Tameifuna and hooked the super employee. He turns on my mate but before he lands his punch I intervene. I calm him down and ask his name. He replies, “chur brother”, in a low and raspy voice, “Im Nene, king of these streets’’. He then proceeded to pull a hockey stick from his backpack and continue his offensive against my friend. I made a friend that night. Long live the king.

NEXUS CREATIVE SPACE

they spy the hole in the cloud & dream

He lies

for the sun smiles & shadows play the waves of grass; & nothing changes.

She thinks.

Timeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s constructed from bits, remnants the river flings; is aware

bare paws

pad the shore. There are gods here also who know the pull & counter-pull;

the waves that roll

yr canoes;

long sails that cruise

the Caribbean; who understand more than Copernicus did & Hawking: for they used the mind only. - Mark Prisco

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

congratulations, with a little more groundwork you might just be able to level up onto the next paragraph. Your chances of potential success have literally never been so good. Be bold. Be confident. I cannot stress this enough - this is your sign. We’re all craving intimacy, so take full advantage of this glorious window. If nothing else - you do realise Pornhub premium is free at the moment, right?

Guide to a Productive Sift in Quarantine Here’s what you can do if you’re... Extremely Single There’s two main paths you can really go down here. One is to feel like shit. Maybe you’re feeling super lonely and it’s getting you down. Maybe you’re still healing from something, obsessing over someone, or your confidence is just all-around low. In that case, it’s time for some self-reflection. Maybe it’s a good time to learn to just be on your own and become okay with it. Slow down and put more effort into your friendships rather than constantly chasing new love interests. Or, maybe it’s a time for you to reach out for new connections (note the term ‘new’. Repeat after me: NO talking to your ex). This is a prime time for romance opportunities considering that 1) everyone’s cooped up and horny, and 2) you have at least a couple of weeks to lay groundwork (did I mention everyone is bursting with horniness? When we’re all let out, Hamilton will be in the throes of a mass orgy). There’s no huge distractions anymore; literally everyone is at home, on their phones. Thanks to that, dating apps have never been better if you’re not on one right now. Whether you are or whether you’re not, there’s no time like the present to take the punt and slide into someone’s DMs. Reply to an Insta story, a post, or just send them a casual snapchat asking how their iso is going. If they kind of brush it off, you didn’t lose a thing. Don’t get caught up, don’t take it personally. And there’s no need to feel weird about sliding in - you can totally pin it down to the fact that we’re all bored and starting conversations with people we normally wouldn’t speak to that much. If they take the bait and the conversation continues, then

Talking to Someone Be aware that it’s going to take effort to keep this thing going. Things might fade, and if they do, it’s probably a sign that the feelings from both parties weren’t that strong to begin with. If it’s not working out, don’t get into an obsessive mindset and barrage them with messages. On the other hand, if it’s going well, this is a great time for getting to know each other and ramping things up without distraction. Go for phone calls and video calls. Get into some deeper convos; find out more about them (questions like the kind off the We’re Not Really Strangers ‘gram - there’s a card game too - are basically guaranteed to make you fall in love). Let it unfold naturally, give compliments, and keep up the momentum you were making before this iso came into place. Maintain balance by still talking with your family and friends, of course, but definitely ensure you’re putting in some solid miles to keep this thing going. Flirt your arse off. That totally includes snapchatting nudes (or at least implied nudes) and having Facetime sex. Remote romance doesn’t have to be boring. In A Relationship The couples who are doing well cooped up together in quarantine right now are the ones who know to give each other space. You may love your S.O., but being with ANYBODY all day, every day gets hard. Don’t get bitter if you’re not spending every minute together; respect that you’re each going to need to do your own things. Be considerate. That can range from anything to making your love a coffee in the morning, to taking some deep breaths and giving it some time if you can feel some serious aggravation brewing. Be communicative and anticipate that it might be a challenge. In saying that, this is a seriously awesome opportunity as well. If you can stand living with each other through this, you’ll be stronger at the other end. Be mindful that your sex drives mightn’t always be in sync and that’s totally okay (again, TALK), but also use this opportunity to make your sex life special. Try things. New positions. Role-play. Anal. Bukkake with the flatmates, I don’t fucking know what you’re into. Don’t succumb to this weird pressure for couples to be fucking all day every day in quarantine (no one else is, you’re not the only ones), but also use the time to learn new things together, make sure you’re complimenting each other, have some super cute date nights, come up with things you want to do together when the outside world is available to us again.

Hey Aunty Slut, I’m a straight woman and my resolution for 2020 is to have an orgasm. I’ve had plenty of sex and things feel nice but I never really get that earth shattering thing you read about in books. What’s wrong with me? O-negative

Dear O-negative, When are femmes going to stop asking me this question?! Every time I think that maybe we’ve managed to turn this bullshit patriarchal sex culture around, I get another question like this. First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Only about 25% of straight vagina-havers can orgasm from penetrative sex. Some people reckon this is down to simple anatomy, but that’s bullshit. In my opinion the culprit is a combination of a bunch of dudebros who don’t give a fuck, and a cunnilingus deficit. (My lesbian fam aren’t having aaaaaany of this trouble. Maybe because they can actually find a clitoris?) There are lots of reasons you might have difficulty coming, so the wider we cast the net the more chance we have of catching a fish. Here’s a few things to try. 1) Stop getting into bed with guys who think sex stops when they come. If he doesn’t go down the first time, kick him out of your bed. 2) Stop staying in relationships with fuckboys unwilling to dedicate themselves to your pleasure. (Trust me on this, they’re not worth it.) The only dude who deserves you is one who is willing to make your pleasure his passion project. 3) Find out what you like and don’t like. Femmes have been socialised to feel shame about masturbation, you haven’t mentioned it which makes me think you need to hear this: masturbation is healthy and normal. There’s science that says it can actually reduce pain, stress and anxiety. So run a bath, relax, and get on with the best DIY project ever. You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what that is! Covid19 rāhui is the

perfect time to get down with yourself. Aunty Slut recommends the Satisfier Pro 2, it will be the best hundy you’ve ever spent. (Not sponsored, just love it. All clit havers need one.) https:// www.lovehoney.co.nz/product.cfm?p=41505 This is easily the best sex toy I’ve ever bought and it’s only used externally. (It’s almost like our biggest pleasure centre is NOT in our vaginal canal or something!) 4) Ditch the drinks. I know we like to get a bit pissed and go home with a hot guy, but the booze can stand in between you and your orgasms. Also, drunken idiots trying to feel you up in clubs? Statistically not very good at the sex. You can do better. The more we deny these douche canoes our juicy parts, the harder they will try to please us. So for the love of god, stop opening your legs for people who think the jack hammer is the Holy Grail. 5) Use lube. Lots of it. Often. More than that. Bit more. 6) Stop faking your orgasms. I know, we’ve all done it. But this is how we still have dudes who think they’re god’s gift, when really they’re just… gross and sticky. Good luck! I’ve got everything crossed for you. (Except my legs.) Love, Aunty Slut p.s. Some SSRIs and muscle relaxants have ‘difficulty reaching orgasm’ as a side effect, so check your meds. Also, if you’re experiencing painful coitus go see your GP. There are some conditions including vaginismus that can make penetration painful. NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

Apple Crumble Ingredients: 5 medium granny smith apples, peeled, cored and diced

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½ cup (110g) caster sugar 2 tablespoons lemon juice ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

HUNG

store-bought vanilla ice-cream, to serve Crumble: 1½ cups (225g) plain (all-purpose) flour ¾ cup (165g) caster (superfine) sugar 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 cup (90g) rolled oats 225g unsalted butter, melted

Method: Preheat oven to 180°C. Place the apple, sugar, lemon juice and cinnamon in a large bowl and mix to combine. Transfer to a 1.5-litre-capacity ovenproof dish. To make the crumble topping, place the flour, sugar, cinnamon, oats and butter in a large bowl and mix until just combined. Spoon the crumble mixture over the apple and place the dish on a large baking tray. Bake for 40–45 minutes, or until the crumble is golden and the apples are soft. Serve with vanilla ice-cream 30

Ambrosia

Creme Brulee

I say comfort, you say food. Easier to whip up than a nang, sweeter than Aunty Jacinda. An absolute staple of the New Zealand summer menu.

Perfect for that inner sweet tooth gremlin of yours, this will send you absolutely packing to a sugar coma and will leave you wanting more.

Ingredients:

1 kg of your favourite fruity Yoghurt

1 ½ (375ml) cups of Cream

500ml of Cream

4 egg yolks

1 bag of Marshmallows

¼ (60ml) cup of Sugar

1 punnet of Strawberries

1 tsp of Vanilla Essence

Anything you bloody want, Nexus preference is to add Flake

4-6 tsp granulated sugar (for caramelising)

Method: Slice strawberries and cut marshmallows in half.

Method: Heat cream in saucepan over medium-high heat until small bubbles form around edge of pan. Meanwhile, whisk egg yolks and a 1/4 cup of sugar until thick and lemon-coloured – about 1 to 2 minutes.

Whip cream till you get soft peaks, then add the yoghurt and mix until its well combined. Add marshmallows, fruit, and chunks of Flake. Spoon into either a large glass bowl or individual serving bowls or glasses.

Carefully remove ramekins from water. Cool on wire rack. When cool, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for least 2 hours and up to 2 days. Just before serving (or up to 2 hours before serving), sprinkle sugar evenly over surface of desserts (1 tsp for taller ramekins and 1-1/2 tsp for shallow ramekins). Using a mini torch or by placing the ramekins directly under the broiler, heat until sugar melts and caramelizes. Serve immediately, or for a firmer texture, chill until serving time.

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

WAIKAT BUNKERS

HUMBLE DUGOUT Contains the following: A big fuck off telescope, a dart board, a ukelele, some Nexus stickers and a TV. Not sure how you could get bored in this place in all honesty. Gets some pretty good sunlight for that sunbathing too. If you want to show us pictures of how your quarantined then send eight pics to editor@ nexusmag.co.nz and we will reward you with pizza from Sals when all this is over! 32

NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

Name:

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NEXUS MAGAZINE / ISSUE 6

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