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Disinforming the students and the University community since 1893 VOLUME 14 ISSUE Not Existant JANUARY 25, 2013 WWW.NCSTATEREJECTS.COM A scandal within a scandal, within a scandal Chancellor plants scandals to escape tar pit in tar country MAY B. NAUGHT UNIVERSITY EDITOR Befuddlement is widespread today on campus as news of yet another scandal surfaces. Chancellor Holden Thorp broke the hearts of students in a press conference when he announced it was he who was behind the AF/AM scandal. “Not only did I know about it, I planned it,” Thorp said. “I just really want to leave. Please let me go.” Teary-eyed students gathered outside of the conference hall, donning “Support Thorp” T-shirts. Senior in environmental film studies Ana Kranism said she is surprised about the twists and turns in this psychological thriller of a scandal. “I thought these scandals were a thing of the past. How is this happening now? This is horrible timing.” But Kranism’s support of soonto-be Professor Thorp is steadfast. “The students are still behind the chancellor, and we will do what we can to keep him here.” Another guy in a Thorp T-shirt said, “It’s like that Inception movie with Jack from Titanic, except there’s no one to kick us back to reality.” During the press conference, Thorp fielded several questions from media, faculty and students, including, “Do you love us as much as we love you?” “Will you stay with us forever?” and “When are you free to HAIRY PITTS SENIOR STAFF WRITER DTHELL/ AARON HEAD come back to my dorm to play with my puppy?” Thorp’s response was short, but it was heartfelt: “To quote author Sarah Dessen’s Dreamland, ‘If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting go’ ... And no, I will not play with your puppy, you’re not supposed to have those in your dorm room anyway.” Emotions reached a fever pitch when all attendees chanted in unison, “Heel no, we won’t let go.” Thorp promptly left the stage after a single tear ran down his cheek. In an exclusive interview with DTH reporter Gail DeSnale, Thorp said, “I just want to go back to teaching at N.C. State, but they won’t let me go. I even told them that I’ve never successfully solved a Rubik’s Cube, I just peeled all of the stickers off and put them back again — you heard me out there, right?” The interview ended abruptly when the only response Thorp could give was to sob into his hands. Though Chancellor Thorp has officially resigned, hopes are still high that he will, as one student put it, “Hold another press conference, this time with Ashton Kutcher, and say, ‘Y’all have been Punk’d!’” Hipster-on-hipster collisions prompt text ban RANDY CUMBERSOME EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sepia toned pictures of the bill written by Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt flooded Instagram today. The bill, which would effectively band texting while walking within Chapel Hill town limits, received unanimous support from the Chapel Hill Town Council. “We can no longer countenance rampant texting while walking in [Chapel Hill]. The number of hipster-on-hipster collisions has never been higher,” Kleinschmidt said during a town hall meeting last Saturday. According to a study published by a local Swedish consultant firm Bjorn Duhl, the collisions commonly happen when two hipsters are looking down to text while walking forward. More than 500 recorded incidents have taken place on campus in the last month alone. “They’re just not paying attention to each other because their faces are buried in their iPhones, and it’s becoming dangerous,” said Otto Kvit, senior partner at Bjorn Duhl. “Even if you are reading the news or doing something productive on your phone, it’s still a threat to the safety of other pedestrians.” “The danger doesn’t just come from bumping beanies,” says sophomore Jo-Anna R. Mentubie, who just recovered from injuries she sustained in a collision. “I had just gotten a non-fat-soy-triple-pump-holdthe-sass latte from the Daily Grind, and I had just Instagramed it. While I was looking down to find the perfect filter, I collided with some guy. At first I thought we were meant to fall in love — like in the movies.” But the love was not meant to Carrboro changes name in an afternoon DTHELL/ TINA BOPPER be for Mentubie — she suffered they’re spending to replace or fix second-degree burns on her hands their iPhones is going to out-of-town and forearms after spilling her latte corporations, rather than staying in upon impact. the local economy.” “Bot h of ou r Irony abounds as “We can iPhones fell to the a survey conducted no longer ground, and my by Bjorn Duhl two screen cracked. It’s years ago reported countenance going to cost a lot a whopping 99 of money to repair, of Chapel rampant texting percent but I love going to Hill residents symthe Apple store, so while walking in pathized with the it’s kind of like a Occupy movement. [Chapel Hill].” In the margins lose-win situation, I guess,” Mentubie of some surveys Mark Kleinschmidt, said. citizens scrawled Chapel Hill mayor Trols Ahl, chief “Corporations can economist at Bjorn Duhl, claims suck it!” the collisions aren’t only hurting Hipster in denial Hyde Insikh laindividuals, but are also starting to ments his expenses from his collihave a negative impact on the local sion. economy. “All of that money that “I tripped and fell into a mud puddle,” Insikh said. “It was embarrassing and now there’s a hole in my vintage tee, which I have to replace. Not to mention, the girl I crashed into spilled her coffee on my book — Choke by Chuck Palahniuk.” The collisions cost Chapel Hill’s economy an estimated $45,000 a month — money funneled out of the local economy to replace iPhones from Apple and vintage tees from Urban Outfitters. The new bill will take some getting used to for most citizens, but Mayor Kleinschmidt believes it will benefit everybody. “The quicker we fix this problem, the quicker we can get back to building that multi-million dollar turtle sanctuary and mall.” Greek | page 40 Frapiness | page venti Online | web page This day in history DUES ARE DUE A friendly reminder about the upcoming due date for your fraternity and sorority dues. Payment in liquor or condoms are acceptable, and prefered. NEW FLAVORED COFFEE New Bleating Sheep ice cream used in new frappuccino recipe. Coupon on page 33. NEW SURVEY See the rest of the “Risque gallery: Ballin’” JANUARY 25, 2004 Lance Armstrong claimed he was free of performance-enhancing drugs. Yeah right. #SucksToSuck The town neighboring Chapel Hill, formerly known as Carrboro, becomes Fixieboro Disgruntled residents of Carrboro assembled Thursday in front of Town Hall in the Farmer’s Market to protest the etymology of the town’s name while advocating to change it to Fixieboro, sweeping in a new law that bans cars in town limits. Under the new law, only fixed gear bikes will be authorized to prowl the town’s streets. During the demonstration, protestors petitioned, assembled and convinced the mayor to hold a referendum between 2:30 and 4:45 p.m., breaking a world civics record. Zaina al-Cous-Cous, the leader of the group of about 200 demonstrators self-dubbed “Fixers,” said the “Carr” in Carrboro was offensive and encouraged “the environmentally irresponsible behavior” of car ownership and fossil fuel consumption. “Having the word ‘car’ within the name of my beloved home sends the wrong message and promotes destructive capitalism and anthropomorphic-itus, a condition of polluting Mother Earth,” al-Cous-Cous said. “By changing the name to Fixieboro, our town can now inspire and embrace healthy lifestyles for us and this planet.” For the past year, al-CousCous, a yoga instructor, and several other yoga studio owners complained of the town’s growing carbon footprint. After an accident Thursday morning in which al-Cous-Cous nearly lost all her organic groceries from the front basket of her rusty 1971 Schwinn, she decided to take action. “I was turning a corner, and out of nowhere came a Toyota Prius,” al-Cous-Cous said. “And those things are nearly silent. I was run into the shoulder of the road, you know, where bikes are unfairly supposed to be, and I nearly tipped over. I couldn’t take it anymore. I nearly had an asthma attack when the Prius started to charge its battery.” Going door to door, al-CousCous mobilized a grassroots following that marched onto Town Hall. Carborro Mayor Sandy Willows said the demonstration was impressive and thought provoking. “I’ve never seen a group of such determined citizens looking out for their community,” Willows said in a press conference Thursday evening. “It was a trip. I was down for this kind of believable change … It can help keep obesity down too. We had enough people to establish quorum, [so] we did a referendum by show of hands and the ‘Fixers’ won.” As Fixieboro embraces its new identity and independence from fossil fuels, Carrboro Police Chief Sean McAvoy said he speculates that his department will finally have to enforce traffic laws for cyclists too. Weather Today Snowy: 32/30 Grab the J. Crew sweater with the tweed jacket Tomorrow Mostly sunny: 43/27 Break out the leggings, again. “ WHY CAN’T I JUST EAT MY WAFFLE? PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA ”

Technician - January 25, 2013

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