Q&A
Justin Chandler with
Q. What are guys insecure
about when they talk to a girl?
A.
I would say most guys are insecure in general. Whether overwhelmingly obnoxious or painfully shy, both are a response to insecurity and a compensation for it. When a guy is in pursuit of a girl and is the proactive one, insecurities begin to flair up like wildfires because each of them is coming to mind as he is talking to her. As the relationship progresses, those insecurities become places that the person you are dating is able to see, talk about, and deal with. All of which can either foster the insecurity or be the place at which they are ultimately remedied by a loving spouse. I don’t know if insecurity ever goes away, but the moment you open your mouth, you’re thinking about each and every one of them.
Q. What are some things you’ve noticed guys and girls do when trying to get the attention of someone they’re interested in? A.
Depends on the age and the “day of epiphany.” For some that happens as early as third grade and for others it happens in high school. But at some point, there is something that happens in both guys and girls that says “someday I want to be with one of those.” The younger they are, it seems the more violent
they are. I don’t know how many times I have seen junior highers punch, hit, slap, or chase one another as a display of affection. As you progress into high school and into college, the game changes completely. Guys start to develop this weird walk/rhythmic pacing whenever they are flirting with a girl. It’s almost an uncontrollable bodily response to nervousness. I find most girls will begin “attaching” to the guy in response to him. Whether that is attending his events, liking his music, participating in his activities (all of which she could have no interest in), the girl begins to respond by taking interests in his interests. I’ve seen girls who have begun to like different kinds of music and watch/ play things they never would have in the past in order to show that she is willing to get to know this new guy.
Q. What do you tell your students who want to date when they’re in junior high? A.
What do I tell my students who want to start dating when they’re in high school? “You’re dumb.” But I feel like I need to give some context to my answer. I believe dating to be the pursuit of a spouse. Since it’s the pursuit of a spouse, if you’re not ready to have a spouse, you shouldn’t be in pursuit of one. I find a lot of HS students will tell me that they’re ready to pursue marriage, but they don’t have a job, live at home, and their income is supplemented by their parents. Until you’re ready to sustain the lifestyle of marriage, you’re not ready to start dating. If you’re not ready for marriage, it means that dating is only going to go
so far before it has met the totality of its experience. This is where a lot of relationships run into problems. Since you can’t progress to marriage, you give more and more physically and emotionally because there is no progress beyond boyfriend/girlfriend. I think this is what Solomon had in mind when he wrote in the Song of Solomon (2:7; 3:5; 8:4). Instead of giving yourself to something that will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and will almost certainly end in a break up, give yourself to that which will build and prepare you for a marriage later. Dedicate yourself to Christ. Know Him and make Him known. Celebrate the season you are in. Have a great time with friends without having to give yourself exclusively to someone. Build toward the person in whom you will be able to give yourself wholly to by allowing your understanding of self, confidence, and dependence to be upon Christ.
Q. What is so attractive to girls about “bad boys”? A.
I’ve heard it said that guys marry girls hoping they will never change. Girls marry guys hoping they will. I think most girls find themselves being attracted to “bad boys” because they can see the good in him and the ways in which deep down he’s a really good guy and it becomes a challenge. He’s been a “bad boy” for everyone else, but for me, he’s the greatest guy the planet has ever known. There is a misleading confidence that if she can get him to 35 change, then she has value because no one else could (other girls he’s
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