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Find local live comedy events at (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLDisclaimer). The Most Beloved Page in All the Land Asheville Celebrity Watch Vice-president Biden considers Asheville relocation Briefs Mother Nature good to NC tobacco farmers, as Father Lung Cancer, Uncle Emphysema look on approvingly Wine Studio closes, forcing WNC’s nude wine models into unemployment Pro-choice advocates seek to replace phrase ‘He’s a good egg,’ with ‘Feh! Another crummy blastocyst’ Reader’s Digest lists Asheville among ‘sharp cities’ where seniors stay mentally sharp High Times study shows opposite trend among region’s twenty-somethings Asheville man trades crack cocaine for gun in sting operation Mug shot captures strong case of buyer’s remorse Sneak peek at new James Bond movie reveals 50-year-old franchise using updated 35-year-old misogynist dialogue The Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire. Contact Twitter: @AvlDisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Vinson, Tom Scheve. Deb — who is probably best known to the world as the daughter of (now-retired) crafts matriarch and television personality “Sandy!” — writes a regular column on sprucing up the corkboard in your work station. I f you’re like me, the sight of a sad, plain corkboard in a cubicle makes you want to set your childhood on fire. Skip lunch today and use the time to get a few simple supplies so that you can stay late at work and do something already about the tragically brown, unadorned corkboard in your — and just maybe (yes) everyone else’s — cubicle. Repurpose, personalize, organize Instagram a photo of a post-it note upon which, in perfectly even handwritten letters, is written an organizational category (such as “Tasks to-do” or “Ways to please Mother”). Print out this photo, then take a picture of that photo, pin it up on Pinterest, and take a photo of the screen. Now, print that up, and carefully cut out the letters and re-paste them in a similarly even fashion on opposing upper corners of the corkboard, repositioning pre-pinned items as often as needed to achieve a sense of perfect balance vertically, horizontally and spiritually. Now you have a fun way of knowing where to pin things that are on your to-do list or that will help you please Mother. Deb! (Daughter of celebrity crafts maven Sandy!) Now take a picture of the entire corkboard with all its current uncluttered adornments, non-jarring photos, and tacked memos with concise-but-positive messages, and make sure the perfectly even lettering is clearly legible. Now, print this photo and enlarge it to the actual size of the corkboard. Then remove everything from the corkboard, and paste the corkboard-sized picture of the “full” corkboard onto the corkboard. Now take a photograph of the corkboard in your cubicle that has been wallpapered with an image of itself which eliminates the need to have those actual items messily hanging from the corkboard, and print two copies: one to pin upon the corkboard under the category heading “Ways to please Mother,” and one to mail to your mother in a hand-made mailer tube, and that photo can be pinned to the corkboard under “Tasks to-do.” These should be the only two things pinned to your corkboard, which otherwise will look perfectly full and will contain all the visual information needed in the corkboard backdrop itself. This can be repeated nightly in order to maintain an aesthetically appealing, clever way to say, “I have worth.” Study: Outdoor pastimes more popular • Foraging for food. • Sleeping outside. • Drinking parking-lot run-off. • Following railroad tracks. • Hitchhiking unsuccessfully because heat sapped your ability to pen a clever cardboard-sign slogan. 32 OCTOBER 10 - OCTOBER 16, 2012 • • Throwing résumé-boomerang. • Sunbathing for hours in lines that wrap outside unemployment office. • Midnight garden-harvesting around the ol’ neighborhood. • Standing in middle of Main Street, drunkenly squinting into sunlight as silhouetted stranger on horseback approaches. ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — In a move that surprises no one, Joe Biden is forming backup plans in the event he and President Obama lose the election, and at the top of that list is opening a thrift store/concert venue in Asheville, North Carolina. The business, if catastrophe strikes in November, will be located on the corner of Walnut and Lexington Ave. “This place is great,” said Biden at a press conference in front of the Pack Square Monument on Friday. “You ever been to Jimmy John’s? That place is fantastic!” Biden gave an economy-centric speech last Tuesday at The University of North Carolina-Asheville. When the speech was through, Biden was taken to Highland Brewery where, according to witnesses, he had “maybe one too many Gaelic Ales.” “He kept asking us to play ‘Centerfold’ by The J. Geils Band,” said a member of local bluegrass outfit The Honeycutters, which was playing Highland that day. “And then he would stand next to us and pretend to play the banjo. It was really funny, but kinda sad, too.” “This country’s going to hell,” reported Biden at a conference he set up inside The Octopus Garden Smoke Shop. “From now on, I’m not vice president of anything except keeping Asheville wacky, as is the popular phrase around here.” Biden then exited after purchasing a Ron Paul sticker for his vaporizer. Meet Your Neighbors Name: Robert D. Sines Occupation: Fence-maker. Locally known as: Guy who owns riverside property between Carrier Park and French Broad River park. Favorite quote: “Get the f*** off my property.”

Mountain Xpress, October 10 2012

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