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Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
tomscheve@gmail.com
Find local live standup comedy events at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer).
asheville disclaimer Electronic Dance Text
Briefs Asheville anti-Monsanto protest disrupted as genetically modified tomato pleads its right to exist, strangles bystander Rielle Hunter apologizes for dragging naïve, unwitting John Edwards to victimization, disgrace, according to his rewording of her new book ‘Asher’ most popular boy’s name for 2013 Experts predict tie between ‘being bullied,’ ‘crying’ for top children’s activity of next decade
Inventor of Gummy Bears dies at 90, outlasting thousands of overworked, disgruntled dentists
A Guide to Asheville
Mountain Oasis Electronic Music Summit edition Hilly Street: Lose your companions? Check Hilly Street where you last saw them. Walk up and down Hilly Street until you find them.
Put your head in your hands. Breathe deeply. Everything is going to be alright. You have found a Place to Pull Your S*** Together.
Tall Pointy Monument Thing: Lost? Go back to Tall Pointy Monument Thing and start over. Now then, which direction did I last lose my marbles in when I was twirling here? Take a minute to look at the top of the monument. Is it waving side to side? This is a good sign! You are on your way back to where you last were!
People Who Don’t Get It: Up and down Hilly Street and around Tall Pointy Monument Thing are grey people shuffling about. They are not dancing. They do not have faraway eyes. They don’t worship Guy Dancing Behind Computer on Stage! What are they doing? Don’t they get it? No. They are People Who Don’t Get It.
Guy In Costume: Looking to score some MDMA? Ask the Guy In Costume. He’ll know where to get some. He will say funny things to you! Guy In Costume makes you laugh! He gets it. Dance with him! Climb a tree on the sidewalk with him! Guy In Costume is your new lover and best friend. But you must dance and climb tree with him and make public-bathroom-love with him before sunrise, when he will turn back into a frat boy.
Feeling That Will Never Go Away: What a life-changing feeling you are feeling right now. Everything has clicked into place. You are going to be different from now on; from now on, this is the way you will always live your life. After-parties do not have to end if you don’t want them to end. There is nothing more to life than dancing and music and care-free revelry and Feelings That Will Never Go Away. You don’t have to go back to the old way of life. In a few days, you will still feel exactly like you do now. Can’t you sense it? You have finally discovered a Feeling That Will Never Go Away.
Girl In Costume: Dreaming of meeting a nice girl with faraway eyes? Girl In Costume is having EDM spiritual awakening, and lives in the moment. Dance with her! Hand her a flower you found near sidewalk! Say something funny to her. She can twirl! She is your new soulmate. She will do your drugs with you. She has a Hula Hoop.
Costume Uproar
Local woman offended by the exploitative nature of the “Cheeky Cherokee” Halloween costume, raising concerns about other Native Americanthemed outfits:
Bad Vibes Guy: Bad Vibes Guy is bad! He checks your pockets and cigarette pack to make sure there is no fun inside! He thinks taking large bags inside venue is wrong! He is full of judgment.
•Above-the-knee Apache • Nava Ho • Fishnet Chippewa • Pimp Daddy Pequot • Mutual attraction of Omaha • Wild-n-Crazy Horse • Squawin’ Around • The Penultimate Sexy Mohican • Sequoyah, Cunning Linguist
Bad Vibes Girl: Bad Vibes Girl doesn’t understand what you’re saying. Bad Vibes Girl insists you must be certain age to drink alcohol. She thinks working is more important than fun. She believes in money, despite the alarming symbology you are pointing out to her after you withdraw one of the green
Contact: tomscheve@gmail.com
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve
octoBER 23 - octoBER 29, 2013
Guy Dancing Behind Computer on Stage: This is God. He knows how to make you wave your arms and bend your knees. You say prayers to him by bobbing your head. Close your eyes. Now open them. Flashing lights! He makes you move your feet. Where did beat go? Here it comes. That was amazing! Wait — now where did beat go? Oh my God — it came back, harder! That was amazing! Listen. There was a beat, but now beat is gone. Where did beat go? THE BEAT CAME BACK! That was amazing! Guy Dancing Behind Computer on Stage giveth and taketh away the beat, and giveth again. He’s touching the computer. Now he is dancing! He’s touching computer again. The beat is gone, the beat is gone! What is happening? Guy Dancing Behind Computer on Stage is touching computer again — beat is back, but harder, louder! That was amazing! Place to Pull Your S*** Together: Asheville, in its entirety, is a good place to duck out, try to remember what you ingested, how much, and when, and take a moment to yourself in this Place to Pull Your S*** Together. Sit down.
Aquarius: Deadline Soon! Capricorn: Learn a Foreign Language in just 10 Days
Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire
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Masonic Death Certificates from her tip jar to show to her.
Pisces: Get your oil changed today! Scorpio: Resolve Your IRS Debt Today!
mountainx.com
Show to End All Shows: You met beautiful people, like Guy In Costume and Girl in Costume. You met them on Hilly Street. You got turned around until you stumbled across Tall Pointy Monument Thing and navigated through a sea of People Who Don’t Get It. You were hassled by Bad Vibes Guy, but Bad Vibes Guy didn’t check your shoes! Bad Vibes Girl scowled at you, but you protected Bad Vibes Girl from the Masons by taking money out of her tip jar. After you found a Place to Pull Your S*** Together, Guy Dancing Behind Computer on Stage and the drugs from Guy In Costume helped you access a Feeling That Will Never Go Away. This is the Show to End All Shows.
Saggitarius: Interested in earning a degree? Do it!
Gemini: Records Indicate you May Qualify
Leo: Stay with us and be always healthy!
Aries: Fight visible signs of aging
Libra: Manage Your Money More Efficiently
Taurus: View Photos Of Black Singles In Your Area
Cancer: Get health insurance
Virgo: Get FREE Gifts!