Published by Monofonus Press Austin, Texas www.monofonuspress.com
Special thanks to: Morgan: for the opportunity
Josh: for inventing “Barton Guy”
Will: for driving me literally and figuratively
For their athleticism and dance moves:
Max: for being a wizard in all respects
Becca: for the spark of inspiration
Chrissy DJ: for her insights on obese people
Duncan: for his song “Stevia”
Jen, Rosie, Elliot, Loftis, Joe, Will, Marie, Carolina, Veronica, and Brannon
Maura: for her layout skillz
For their baby bods:
Peephole: for “Strawberry Told Me” Diana: for lending me the Dianetics DVD
Angie, Virginia, and Diana
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Forward at the Beginning of a Self-Help Book: Dear Reader, I am the center of the noun
noun
. But here are some
noun
, just like you. Having said that, I also don’t really know much about I do know. First, your
plu ral n o u n
can make you or break you. If your mindset is
they’re not aware of it. If your
noun
is
adjec t iv e
even if they seem annoyed by it and talk Try to have a
adjec t iv e
noun
not
. If you’re not
adjec t iv e
adjec t iv e
peace with
, a good
pro n o u n
, most people will sense it, even if
about you behind your back. My first
ex pr essio n
v erb
noun
it,
of advice:
noun
, learn to be at peace with
, admit it because you might be
, admit it, because you might be
adjec t iv e
. Your
mindset.
adv erb
, maybe you’re a bad lover. If you’re neither
adjec t iv e
really
adjec t iv e
adjec t iv e
, people can sense that, too, and will
“Great how do I do that?” you might be asking. Well, pro n o u n
is really
noun
, and have really cool
adjec t iv e
adjec t iv e adjec t iv e
. If you’re both
nor
plu ral n o u n
instead. If you’re
adjec t iv e
adjec t iv e
and
you’re probably
. The good thing about being at
is that you will ultimately be more confident and being confident is basically like
having a wizard’s staff: You can change reality. “What do you mean by that?” you might be asking. Well, let’s take it back a you’re
adjec t iv e
adjec t iv e
. If you want to be a
start - in g can trick
and not
adjec t iv e
v erb
noun
. If you’re confident that you’re
into thinking you’re the best
plu ral n o u n
think of your own
. Let’s say , you will become
, learn a few moves. Tell yourself you’re going to be good and
. Even if you never become technically good at - in g
this book aims to do, to help the included
noun
noun
adjec t iv e
pro n o u n
noun
v erb
, if you’re confident, you
they’ve ever seen, including yourself. That’s what
to find peace with yourself and improve your
noun
. Even if
don’t help you actually become more confident, maybe they will help you to
plu ral n o u n
. Most likely this is the best self-help book you will ever
v erb
.
So, having said that let’s begin …
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“Spend some time alone everyday� -The Dalai Lama Suggestion #1: Schedule quality alone time.
Love Gift: Door Hanger Instructions: 1. Cut along perforated line. 2. Hang on door. 3. Close door.
The purpose of spending time alone is to concentrate on re-connecting with yourself. Once you close the door, there are several things you could do, such as: Think up some projects that highlight your strengths; stare at yourself in the mirror; read the rest of this book; watch videos of yourself. Whatever you have to do, just try to make some magic happen.
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Suggestion #2: Admit your strengths and weaknesses. Make a collage of really horrible pictures of yourself. Make a list of things you don’t like and activites you really hate doing. List your weaknesses.
13
Make a collage of really good pictures of yourself. List things you love and activities you actually like doing. List your strengths.
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Try to keep the pages balanced!
“Free your mind and the rest will follow.” -En Vogue
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Suggestion #3: Masturbate in front of a mirror.
Having trouble? I know you probably just skipped down to the bottom of the page. If you need help easing into this exercise, I suggest putting on “Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band. Ifyou’re not into that particular song, put on one of your own choosing. In fact, let me know what you picked! (dangerdevereux@gmail.com)
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Love Gift: Complimentary Cum Rag To be used in conjunction with the exercise on previous page or as a keepsake to inspire continued success on your journey toward inner peace. Appropriate for men and women, don’t worry.
Suggestion #4: Keep a mental image of relaxation at the forefront of your mind. Hopefully these first few exercises have made you feel more clear-headed and in touch with yourself. The next part is about maintaining that mental peace even when stress arises. Think of something that makes you feel relaxed or happy. Take a mental snapshot of it. When you start to get stressed out, close your eyes and try to concentrate on your relaxing image. The more you concentrate, the more likely it will manifest itself in reality. I myself think of this image when I get stressed out (see next page).
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Key:
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2 = dark brown 3 = light brown
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Suggestion #5: Challenge Your Self-Confidence
Love Gift: “I Signed Your Crack� Autograph Page
Use this spread to start an autograph collection. Carry it around with you. If you see any celebrities, personal, local, or global superstars, ask them to sign this page. I started mine with Elvira!
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Suggestion #6: Start An Exercise Routine
Love Gift: An Exercise Spin Wheel Instructions: 1. Cut out spin wheel (Fig. 2) and Fat Guy (Fig. 1). 2. Poke hole in fat guy (I suggest just below his fingertips). 3. Poke hole in the middle of the spin wheel. 4. Line up holes in fat guy and spin wheel, with fat guy on top. 5. Attach to your bathroom mirror or refrigerator and rotate fat guy one pie piece every day, starting with the included workout video: “Babe I Overate: One Exercise Fits All,� and do the corresponding activity (descriptions on page 26).
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Foods to Avoid: -quarts of lo mein -donuts by the dozen -100 plus hot wings -calzones for dessert
Figure 2: Spin Wheel
Figure 1: Fat Guy
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Exercise Video! Follow the included exercise video “Babe, I Overate:
Page 16
One Exercise Fits All” for the most entertaining workout of your life.
Weights
Recharge your brain.
become a roadie.
Rollerblading
Eat a Cheeseburger
Bike to Barton
Take a break today.
Bike to a close destination.
Eat a cheeseburger.
Tap Dance Take up tap dance
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Also known as “fruit booting,” but don’t let
that stop you; it’s great for cardio.
long as you dance the shit out of it.
soup cans, help a friend move,
Go to one, or throw one for youself, just as
Self-explanatory. Find some
16 and do that exercise again.
Dance Party
Go back to Suggestion #3 on Page
(see: www.facebook.com “What’s Tappening!?”)
Use it as your main form of transportation if you can.
Suggestion #7: Learn How to Make One Edible Thing
Love Gift: Recipe for Deviled Egg Cookies
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In regards to the butt scene in “Entrapment,� Video Chef Max Juren demanded it be acknowledged that though it is a common misconception that she is going under real lasers, Catherine Zeta-Jones is only practicing for the heist in a matrix of red strings rigged with bells, while Sean Connery watches.
Suggestion #8: Open your mind to seeking new knowledge Love Gift: Trivia Everyone Should Know Cootie Catcher
28 *
Suggestion #9: Wear at least one noticeable piece of clothing at all times.
Wearing something unique helps break the ice in social scenarios and you won’t have to awkwardly start conversations. This can help your self-confidence immensely.
My suggestion: a 3-D bandanna: www.dangerdevereux.etsy.com
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Suggestion #10: Try to start and end each day with a song or video that inspires you.
Love Gift: a playlist of inspiration.
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In case you don’t want to type out all this stuff, just visit: http://www.youtube.com/user/ dangerdevereux look under “playlists” for “Good Morning!” and “Goodnight.”
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(see page 28, Suggestion #8)
Suggestion #11: Make motivational posters for yourself.
Hang them up in your room, or on the ceiling above your bed. Just keep them close and your life will improve tenfold.
Love Gift: Some sample motivational posters (see above and on page 10)
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Suggestion #12: Write your fears, regrets, and dark secrets on toilet paper and flush it.
If you have no one to talk to, tell your problems to your rotting food in the fridge as you throw it away.
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Suggestion #12: Write your wishes, hopes, and dreams on food and eat it.
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Self-Improvement has never been this
guide you on a rollickin’
fun… or easy! Your success began as
journey of self-betterment in
soon as you flipped this book.
Turn This Book Right-Side-Up.
But don’t stop there. Inspiring love
(Her Credentials? She’s Alive!)
gifts and activites await inside. From nifty door hangers to cum rags and motivational posters, Michelle gives you the foundations to take on the big stuff. So come on in ya big lug, and turn your life right-side-up!
IF08
et artist Michelle Devereux