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hat better way to start the day than with a scrumptious breakfast or brunch? Add a mimosa (or two) and you’ve got a celebration—no special occasion needed! Here are some of our favorite breakfast hot spots around the South Bay. (And where to find the best chicken fried steak.)
HOLDER’S COUNTRY INN 4 Bay Area Locations Hours: 7am – 9pm
Holder’s is a runner-up in our ongoing Best Chicken Fried Steak EVER Contest. The chicken fried steak here is a tender perfectly flattened steak –not too thick, not too thin—battered and dipped in a crispy coating, fried to golden crunchiness then smothered with just the right amount of good gravy. There’s a nice selection of souffle omelets and some solid brunch beverages listed on the Sunrise Cocktails section of the menu. Bonus: the coffee at Holder’s is right on.
THE BUTTER HOUSE
1760 Fremont Blvd Unit B-1 Seaside, CA 93955 Hours: Check before going This spot is located in a scrubby little mini-mall, but don’t judge a book by its cover. Butter is a breakfast/brunch spot with Asian Pacific flair and their specialties include Loco Moco and a fried rice special which consists of garlic fried rice served with bacon, ham, or spam and topped with two fried eggs—a very traditional Asian Pacific brekky. We tried the $5 Chicken & Biscuit—fried chicken drizzled with honey and sriracha in a biscuit. On the plus side, the biscuit was flaky; the minus: the chicken was oh-so-dry. However, here we found the best chicken fried steak ever. Crispy-tender chicken smothered in their special S.O.S. sauce. Order it with a flaky biscuit – whoowee! It was good.
TOAST CAFE & GRILL 1411 Bird Ave San Jose, CA 95125 Hours: 7am – 3pm
Service here is spotty. Order the Mimosa Flight—comes with one
each of cucumber, peach, pineapple, and orange flavored bubbly. Service will seem to have immediately improved. Luckily, the food was fine. The chicken fried steak here got a thumbs up because the gravy was delish. The Bananas Foster French Toast was buttery, banana-y goodness. The house-made corned beef hash was fulfilling. Come for the mimosas, stay for the food.
BILL'S CAFÉ
10 Bay Area Locations Hours: 7am – 2pm Weekends: 7am – 3 pm The menu at Bill’s is vast and we’ve never had a meal here that we didn’t like but the best way to eat here is to determine what you’re in the mood for before you even look at the menu, then focus on just that section when you order. From the French Toast & Waffle menu, the Parisienne French Toast, made with a homemade croissant, is a winner. If you want eggs, the California Benedict with bacon and avocado or the French Garden Omelet with goat cheese and sun-dried tomatoes are favorites. If you’re overwhelmed by the gigantic portions, the mini bennies and scrambles are great for smaller appetites—and you can order a side of the yummy pancakes with a side of maple syrup for dessert.
SCRAMBL'Z
5055 Almaden Expy San Jose, CA 95118 Hours: 8am – 2pm The two-egg breakfast with the apple sausage is a favorite; the sausage is amazing. The California scramble with bacon, avo, and cheese – mmm! The portions here are large enough that you can share with a friend, which means you can select an
extra side from their excellent Sides Menu; choose from such delights as the gigantic homemade cinnamon rolls, the moist banana bread, tasty avocado toast, or from a variety of pancakes and potatoes.
GVA CAFÉ
17400 Monterey Rd STE 1B Morgan Hill, CA 95037 Hours: 9am – 3pm GVA is a favorite spot for a quick and affordable breakfast. The service is super friendly and the food is fresh and delicious. My favorite breakfast bite is the avocado toast with a hardboiled egg. You can get a sandwich for less than nine bucks if you want a little more sustenance (the vegetarian egg salad is tasty and healthy too). For coffee, I like the sweet Italian dark roast.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB AT MIDTOWN 1432 W San Carlos St San Jose, CA 95126 Hours: 7am – 3pm
We were happily surprised when we got a table within 5 minutes of arrival. If you’ve ever tried to eat here on a weekend, the wait can be drastically longer. We ordered the Garbage Plate, the Banana Coconut Pecan Waffles, and (surprise!) Chicken Fried Steak. The Garbage Plate was a mess of eggs, onions, peppers, bacon, ham, and cheese. It was tasty, but also very salty—keep the water refills coming. The waffle was delicious– one plate-sized crispy-tender waffle smothered in bananas and sprinkled with pecans—no syrup required. The chicken fried steak was a little tough and too crispy (as in overcooked) and could have used more gravy. The extra crispy hash browns were excellent though. The coffee at Breakfast Club was sub-par for a place specializing in breakfast. I’d go back for the crispy hash browns and the waffles. But not if I have to wait. ᯽ M
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JUST. BE. NICE.
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FE ATURE
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By E L A I N E P A R K E , MBA, CS, CM, NSA, author of The Habits of Unity: 12 Months to a Stronger America… one citizen at a time.
Online and offline, angry, aggressive, bullying behavior has become normalized, and it’s tearing our nation apart. It time all of us got back to behaving with kindness, respect, and dignity. WE’V E T R A D I T I ON A L LY T H O U G H T OF BUL L I E S A S SCO W LI NG K I D S WHO ST E A L C L A SSMAT E S ’ LU N CH MONEY OR T R I P T H E M O N TH E PLAYGRO U N D. In recent decades, we’ve seen lots of “mean girl” types tormenting others on social media. But the face of today’s bully has changed: It is just as likely to have wrinkles, five-o’clock shadows, or bifocals. Adult bullies are everywhere. They’re harassing healthcare workers and screaming at school board meetings. On social media, they’re arguing, name-calling, shaming, and slamming those who think differently. Yikes. Shouldn’t we know better by now? Absolutely. Yet the problem has become worse and worse, especially in these politically divisive times. We’ve devolved into a nation of bullies—and it’s creating hurt and strife where we desperately need compromise and healing. No one likes to think of themselves as a bully. But most of us have raised our voices in anger, gossiped about others, or made snarky remarks on Facebook. We all have a civic responsibility to treat others with dignity and respect, even when we don’t agree. Social media has played a role in normalizing hurtful and even abusive behaviors. It’s a shame because it was meant to be a source of connection and information (and used the right way, it
still is that). Unfortunately, behind a screen, we’ll say things we’d hesitate to say in person. Plus, we’re steeped in a global echo chamber that tells us we’re right, while the other side is ignorant, illintentioned, immoral, or worse. We’ve all heard the saying that we are what we eat, but we are also the messages we consistently consume. It’s time we moved to a mental diet that nourishes, encourages, and brings us together. We need to develop the discipline to make more nutritious “mental choices” every day. We can practice a simple, doable framework for uplifting ourselves, boosting our mental health, and practicing unity by focusing on the same branded behavior each month—just like we all focus on holidays together. The idea is that the sheer force of all that concentrated positive energy sparks a unifying kindness revolution that rises from the ground up and sweeps the nation. Yet, until that happens, we can develop healthy habits on a personal level by forming one good habit per month. Here are themes you can build upon each month: January: Help Others February: You Count
March: Resolve Conflicts April: Take Care of Our Environment May: Be Grateful June: Reach Higher July: Become Involved August: Know Who You Are September: Do Your Best October: Be Patient and Listen November: Show a Positive Attitude December: Celebrate Community, Family, and Friends Those who’ve tried it say the plan is easy to put into practice. It feels good, so you’ll want to keep doing it. And you’ll probably find when your behavior shifts from nastiness to positivity, your interactions become less contentious and your relationships improve. When we each commit, all together, to eliminating our own bullying behaviors, human nature will begin to evolve into ‘humane’ nature. Our country needs all of us to move beyond persecution and name-calling, and focus on listening, understanding, and cooperating with one another as much as possible. And as for social media, let’s make it a space that fosters healing instead of harassment.᯽ About the Author: Elaine Parke, MBA, CS, CM, NSA, is the author of The Habits of Unity: 12 Months to a Stronger America…one citizen at a time. In 1993, her monthly branded and colorful habit-forming model was deemed a “Social Invention” by the London Institute for Social Inventions. The Habits of Unity: 12 Months to a Stronger America…one citizen at a time is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers. To learn more, please visit www.12habits4allofus.org.
love yourself ·
ML IST
Be your own valentine this year and take care of YOU. Here are our favorite products that help us take care of ourselves
FACTORFIVE REGENERATIVE SERUM
Cruelty-free and contains no parabens, mineral oil, sulfate detergents, phthalates, urea, DEA or TEA. Helps skin repair itself targeting the five signs of aging: wrinkles, sunspots, skin laxity, thickness and uneven texture. A little goes a long way … and it WORKS. $199 at factorfiveskin.com.
CHARLOTTE TILBURY BEAUTIFUL SKIN FOUNDATION This foundation is available in 30 shades so there’s a shade to match every skin tone. Ingredients like Hyaluronic Acid and Coconut Extract help to hydrate, strengthen, and smooth skin. In clinical trials, users saw a 285% boost in radiance and 166% boost in skin’s hydration in just 4 weeks! Yes, please! $44 at CharlotteTilbury.com.
DNA VIBE JAZZ BAND
Light therapy is an FDA-approved treatment that uses safe levels of red light, near infrared light, and magnetic signals for relieving muscle and joint discomfort, improving circulation, and promoting muscle relaxation. The Jazz Band is an affordable way to access intelligent light therapy at home and is effective in treating body aches and pains. $249 at dnavibe.com. 12
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SHOWER STEAMERS
Turn your shower into a spa! Place the disc in the corner where the splashing water can activate the essential oils and get whisked away to fragrant lavender fields, gardens bursting with Peonies, and sun-drenched citrus shores. Ahhh—instant spa! $14.99 at cleverfybeauty.com and amazon.com.
UBER MINI FRIDGE
After spending some serious dough on moisturizers and wrinkle creams, how about a place to keep them preserved? This cute l’il fridge is perfect for storing natural make-up and beauty products and for keeping toners nice and chilly. Also good for keeping those face rollers and Gua Sha face massagers cool and ready to soothe puffy eyes and refresh tired skin. $80 at uberappliance.com & Amazon.
STEALTH
Game on! This exercise system turns your workout into a game, and YOU are the controller. Slip your phone into the slot, choose a game, and let the exercising begin! Twist, turn, pivot, and hold steady as you build and strengthen your core while going for the high score. $99 at trystealth.com or amazon.
KERASTASE CHRONOLOGISTE COLLECTION
Known for luxurious haircare, this anti-aging set uses high-end ingredients like abyssine, hyaluronic acid and Vitamin E to create renewed bounce and volume. My favorite is the pre-shampoo, which revitalizes and stimulates the scalp for a deep cleanse. $154 at kerastase-usa.com.
Quick & Cozy
WINTER MEALS Cold winter nights call for comfort foods that warm us up inside and out. Try these delicious plant-based recipes from Fridge Love: Organize Your Refrigerator for a Healthier, Happier Life with 100 Recipes and settle in for a cozy meal.
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OIL- FREE FIREROASTED SMOKY CHILI makes 7 cups (four 1 ¾ - cup servings) Every home chef needs a hearty and satisfying chili recipe they love. This is one of those vegan dishes that’s perfect for sharing with a crowd, as everyone can add their preferred toppings. This chili has a medium- hot heat level as written, with a smoky flavor and amazingly meat- like texture from the Tofu Taco Meat. If you have to make the Tofu Taco Meat, start it before the chili. After the tofu goes into the oven to bake, you can begin making the chili.
Ingredients 1 (12- ounce) jar roasted red peppers, drained, rinsed, and finely diced 1 medium yellow onion, diced 3 garlic cloves, minced or pressed 2 tablespoons water 1 (28- ounce) can fire- roasted diced tomatoes 7 ounces tomato paste 1 cup vegetable broth 1 ¼ teaspoons salt 2 ½ teaspoons ground cumin 1 teaspoon smoked paprika 1 teaspoon ground chipotle pepper (or your favorite chili powder; adjust quantity as needed for heat) 1 ½ teaspoons maple syrup 1 (15.5- ounce) can kidney beans, drained and rinsed 1 recipe Tofu Taco Meat
Preparation In a large pot or Dutch oven, cook the onion over medium- low heat, stirring occasionally, for 7 to 10 minutes, until just softened. The onion will release its juices as it
cooks down. Add the garlic and cook for 3 to 4 minutes, until a slight brown crust forms on the bottom of the pot. Add the water and stir, scraping up any browned bits from the bottom. Add the roasted peppers, diced tomatoes, tomato paste, and broth and stir to mix well. Add the salt, cumin, paprika, chipotle, and maple syrup. Raise the heat to medium and bring the mixture just to a boil, about 10 minutes, then reduce the heat to maintain a simmer and add the beans. Cook for 15 minutes, then add the tofu taco meat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 5 to 7
minutes, until the tofu has absorbed some of the liquid and softened a bit. Storage: Store in the fridge in a large glass food storage container with a tight- fitting lid or portion individual servings into 2- cup capacity glass food storage containers or glass jars with tight- fitting lids for 9 to 12 days. This recipe also freezes well for up to 2 months. You can add all sorts of toppings, such as cooked corn kernels, sour cream or yogurt (or nondairy versions), and sliced green onions or chives; serve with tortilla chips for dunking. M
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Add the tamari, liquid smoke, onion powder, cumin, paprika, and garlic powder to the crumbled tofu and stir and toss to incorporate well (take care not to crumble the tofu further as you mix). Spread the tofu mixture evenly over the prepared baking sheet. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, until golden brown, tossing the tofu once halfway through. It’s okay for smaller bits to be more cooked or crispy while larger bits are softer. Storage: Store in the fridge in a glass food storage container or glass jar with a tight- fitting lid for 10 to 12 days. Use as you would ground turkey. You can also add it to your favorite storebought marinara to serve over pasta.
EASY POTATO DAL CURRY makes about 8 cups (five 1 ½- cup servings) Whether you’re working in an office or at home, this curry is easy to quickly heat up between meetings, making it a great lunch (or a great dinner). It’s warm, com-forting, and tasty, and a perfect prepping recipe for beginners since it’s simple and keeps for a long time.
TOFU TACO MEAT makes about 1¾ cups (about 3 ½ half- cup servings)
Ingredients 1 (14-or 16-ounce) block extra-firm tofu, drained well 2 tablespoons reduced-sodium tamari ¼ teaspoon liquid smoke 2 teaspoons onion powder 1 teaspoon ground cumin ¼ teaspoon paprika
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⅛ teaspoon garlic powder Press the tofu for at least 30 minutes—you want it to be very dry.
Preparation Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a silicone baking mat. Using your hands, crumble the pressed tofu into a medium bowl. You want a variety of sizes in the crumble; a combination of larger and smaller bits will add a variety of texture. Just be mindful not to over crumble so you only have small bits left.
Ingredients 3 medium red potatoes 1 medium yellow onion, diced (about 1 cup) 3 garlic cloves, minced or pressed 2 ¼ teaspoons minced fresh ginger 1 (13.5- ounce) can reduced- fat coconut milk 1 cup dried golden lentils 2 cups vegetable broth 1 cup water, or more if needed 1 tablespoon curry powder 1 (14.5- ounce) can diced tomatoes, drained, and rinsed well 1 cup loosely packed chopped stemmed Swiss chard leaves Salt (optional)
Preparation Fill a large bowl with cool water. Peel the potatoes and cut them into large dice, placing them in the water as you go. Set aside. In a large pot with a lid or Dutch oven, cook the onion over medium- low heat, stirring frequently, for about 7 minutes, until translucent and lightly browned. Add the garlic and ginger and cook, stirring, for 4 to 5 minutes, until just softening and fragrant. Increase the heat to medium and add the coconut milk, lentils, broth, water, and curry powder. Drain the potatoes and add them to the pot as well. Cover and cook for 15 minutes, stirring once midway through. Uncover, reduce the heat to mediumlow, and stir well. Cook for 25 to 30 minutes more, until the lentils have plumped and softened and the
potatoes are fork- tender. You may need to add more water as the lentils and potatoes soak up the liquid. Add the tomatoes and mix well. Cook for 1 to 2 minutes more to heat them through, then remove from the heat and stir in the chard. Taste the dish and add salt if needed. Storage: Store individual 1 ½- cup portions in 2- cup capacity glass snap- lock storage containers or widemouthed 1- pint glass jars. Or store the full batch in a large glass food storage container with a tight- fitting lid. The dal will keep in the fridge for 9 to 12 days. This recipe also freezes well. This is a great stand-alone onepot meal. Try adding ¼ to ½ cup cooked brown rice or quinoa (per portion) and/or topping with chopped fresh cilantro. ᯽
Excerpted from FRIDGE LOVE: ORGANIZE YOUR REFRIGERATOR FOR A HEALTHIER, HAPPIER LIFE WITH 100 RECIPES © 2021 by K4 Media Group. Photography © 2021 by Lauren Volo. Reproduced by permission of Mariner Books, an im\print of HarperCollins Publishers. All rights reserved.
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INCREASE MUSCLE TONE and DEFINITION X-Tone is a Game Changer
C
OULD YOUR NE W YE AR’S RESOLUTIONS USE THE SAME JOLT MANY OTHER SOUTH BAY MEN AND WOMEN ARE GET TING?
A trending technology sculpting this year’s best beach bodies may be just the boost you need to finally achieve your fitness goals. It’s February. How are those resolutions going? Tired of avoiding that mirror because even though you’re doing exactly what that twenty-something Instagram influencer preaches about peaches, those glutes aren’t lifting. Still dreaming of sculpting that six pack but a certain stubborn inch won’t give even with a new routine?
Enter Precision Slim’s X-Tone treatment - a quantum leap forward from a time-proven principle. X-Tone doesn't rely on electrical currents. Instead, it generates an exponentially stronger, yet safe, electromagnetic field.
Jose… and only we’ve got it. So that’s cool.”
During the 30-minute X-Tone treatment, the muscles are contracted 49,500 times with high frequency and high intensity, which cannot be achieved in general exercise! During a recent study, muscle mass increased by an average of 16% and the average fat loss achieved was 19%.
“That’s what I love. I’ve done other body sculpting but X-Tone was a game changer for me because it transformed my body in ways diet and exercise were never able to do before,” says the happy client. “It’s done wonders for my confidence.”
We talked with someone who took the plunge. Ryan is a C-Suite sales professional, mom to a teenage daughter and a still-competitive athlete who also does fitness model competitions. She now believes there’s no way even the most mindful fitness adherent can compete with the results X-Tone provides. “I’ve been weight-lifting and dieting for almost my entire adult life and I was never able to get as lean as I did with these treatments. But best of all,’ as she proudly shows her personal photos to prove it, “I’m finally getting a booty at an age when most other gals’ glutes are headed south!” So how does it work?
Imagine a device that works your muscles faster, better and deeper than your own brain and body could ever do. Now imagine it produces results you may never even thought possible - much less accomplish yourself - all from a simple 30-minute session on your back. Too much to believe? Elite exercise physiologists have long known the power of the simple electrical current to stimulate muscles for strength gains and muscle building.
“The X-Tone works by super-maximal contraction,” according to Mia, a MasterSlimmer at Precision Slim. “Because these super-contractions require a large energy supply, the fat cells next to the muscle are also consumed, leading to a natural fat reduction.” “It’s really the first time there’s been a body contouring technology that effectively reduces fat while building muscle,” another Precision Slim MasterSlimmer casually mentions as she begins a client’s session. “We feel like we’ve brought the holy grail of body transformation from Europe to San
By reducing abdominal fat while building a muscle foundation under the fat, patients achieve a slimmer and more athletic body contour. When applied to the glutes, it gives a more weight-lifting, sporty body shape.
Unlike other medical technologies for fat reduction that incorporate heat or cold, X-Tone carries no risk of burns, scars or swelling. Nor will muscle movements caused by X-Tone damage other joints or bones of the body. The recommended treatment plan is four half-hour sessions, within two weeks. The best results will be seen after three months, and will continue to improve after six months. Is it an unfair advantage? Ryan believes discipline and positive behavior have limits. “Look, I did the work and I still do the work. You eat right, you work hard but there’s only so far your own body can go with genes, willpower, down to even knowing how to connect those tiny muscle fibers you want to target. But this treatment does what I couldn’t.” “Everyone should try this! You won’t regret it. Just look at my pictures,” Ryan beams.᯽
Downtown Willow Glen 1114 Brace Avenue, San Jose P: 408-669-0310 booking@precisionslim.com Precisionslim.com
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C OM M UNITY
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A journey filled
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LOVE
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OR MANY UNDER-RESOURCED SHELTERS THROUGHOUT THE CENTRAL VALLEY, HUMANE SOCIETY SILICON VALLEY SERVES AS A SAFETY NET. Through our Regional Rescue program, we partner with these shelters to transfer homeless animals, especially those with extensive medical needs, into our care. Once with us, they’re provided with the medical treatments they need and placed in our adoption program to find their forever home.
One of the thousands of kittens we brought in through our Regional Rescue program last year was a kitten named Love. The skinny kitten had just made the long trek from the Central Valley in one of our rescue vehicles when our veterinarians first met her. Her appearance was startling – both eyes were enlarged and appeared to have ruptured. Our Medical team didn’t want the kitten to spend any more time in pain. Thanks to the support of our generous community, we knew we would be able to provide the urgent care she needed. We rushed Love into surgery right away. Once under anesthesia, her eyes were examined in more detail, and we determined she had an ocular condition that was too severe for treatment. Dr. Campbell, one of our incredible veterinarians, removed both of the kitten’s eyes. She also placed the kitten on antibiotics to prevent a postoperative infection and pain reliever to help her through recovery. Medical staff and volunteers stayed with her through the next few hours as she slowly woke up to ensure everything went well. The surgery was successful, and she was quickly starting to purr and show off her loving personality. By the next day, Love was doing so much better. She was eating well, starting to play, and her surgery sites were looking good. A couple days later, our Medical team was confident enough in Love’s healing that she
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was sent to a foster home with one of our veterinary technicians, Naadia, to finish recovering. Naadia was overjoyed to see the small kitten took no time at all to get used to life without eyes. Over the next few weeks, she started running, chasing toys, and climbing cat trees to her heart’s content. Naadia brought home another foster kitten, Ewan, to give Love a buddy. They hit it off right away. Ewan, a shy, reserved kitten, boosted his confidence by spending time with the friendly, outgoing Love. In return, Ewan acted as a sort of “seeing eye” kitten for his new friend, helping her navigate new spaces with ease.
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hen it came time for Love to be placed up for adoption, we couldn’t stand the thought of separating her from her new pal. Love and Ewan were a bonded pair and would only be available to go home if they were together. It didn’t take long for the adorable duo to find their perfect home. Love and Ewan were renamed Zelda and Dante and are doing amazing in their new home. Their adopter says they’re adored by everyone who meets them, and with her friend by her side, Zelda is learning her way around her new home. Our Regional Rescue program is made possible thanks to our generous community. Thanks to their support, we are able to help homeless animals get the second chance they need and deserve. We are so grateful for our ability to help give animals a happier, brighter future. ᯽ hssv.org | comments@hssv.org | (408) 262-2133
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Storytime
There’s nothing better than losing yourself in a book. Put on your warmest socks, grab a cup of tea, hunker down beneath a warm, fluffy blanket, and settle in to read. Here’s a list of our latest winter reads.
Mexican Gothic
by Silvia Moreno-Garcia Clever, pretty, and glamorous Noemí Taboada is ordered by her father to abandon her party-girl lifestyle and visit her newlywed cousin who has sent an alarming letter in which she is begging to be rescued from her husband and his family. Noemi travels to her cousin’s creepy house and gets to know her cousin’s dark and dreary in-laws. It’s not long before the house and the people in it start to affect Noemi’s senses. Will she be able to resist—nay, escape from—her cousin’s seductive husband and the intoxicating evil emanating from the house? A compelling, if somewhat anti-climactic, tale.
Anxious People by Fredrik Backman
I loved Backman’s novel, A Man Called Ove, so I was excited to crack open Anxious People. The story begins with a bumbling bank robber who escapes bumbling cops by holing up at an open house where the robber takes a small crowd of bumbling house-shoppers hostage. The rest is a mystery, and everyone involved has a story. Backman has a gift for developing characters and plots that tug at our hearts—but be patient. There’s a rough patch as we learn about each character and it gets a little tedious. But it picks up eventually and gives you the satisfaction you were hoping for.
Gastro Obscura: A Food Adventurer's Guide by Cecily Wong & Dylan Thuras
Foodies will enjoy diving into this atlas of food-related facts. Have you heard about the tasty Tibetan treat called Caterpillar Fungus? It’s a fungus that attacks live caterpillars; once it has consumed the critter and sprouts from the earth “wearing” the caterpillar’s skin (read: Silence of the Lambsesque skin suit), an edible “stick” erupts from the caterpillar’s head, which then ends up in a bowl of $688 soup in Las Vegas! Fun Fact! The book is full of these juicy tidbits about comestibles (though not all as terrifying) as well as history, traditions, festivals, and recipes from all around the world. Truly fascinating!
The Henna Artist by Alka Joshi
Lakshmi is a young girl in a bad marriage. She escapes her abusive husband and settles down in Jaipur where her henna designs, herbal remedies, and sage advice draw the patronage of the wealthy. With her talent, she’s able to do well for herself and she’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to keep it that way. There are jealous gossips, the pesky ex, an obnoxious surprise sibling, and neverending societal issues to be wary of. At the beginning of the book, there’s a longish list of the characters who will appear in the story and an even longer “glossary of terms” at the end, along with a note on the caste system and a few recipes, including one for henna paste. Don’t let that intimidate you. It’s all in good fun.
The Midnight Library by Matt Haig
Have you ever been so bummed with your life that you wish you could just scratch it… and have a do-over? Nora is granted a chance to glimpse various versions of her life by choosing different books from the Midnight Library where each book represents a different life. She glimpses her life as a rock star, a champion swimmer, a loving mother, a motivational speaker, and on and on. The premise is compelling. You will read this and find yourself asking existential questions, or you’ll set the book down and think: “Meh.” And move on living the life you’re living.
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This will help you be able to make more selective choices on when to accommodate other’s needs. GET IN THE HABIT OF CHECKING IN WITH HOW YOU FEEL. People pleasers often don’t even take the time to focus on how they feel because in their minds it doesn’t matter. When you take that moment to remind yourself your needs are important, also think about how you feel and what you want.
HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF
and Stop People Pleasing
CHECK THE FACTS. A big motivator of people pleasing is avoiding conflict. However, most of the time, conflict is not likely or at least not as catastrophic as we predict. Instead of worrying about avoiding conflict, ask yourself is that likely? And is it really going to be the end of the world?
By ALYSSA MAIRANZ, Founder and Executive Director of Empower Your Mind Therapy Practice
Do you find it difficult to say no to a request, or how to stand firm with your boundaries? Learning when to say no effectively is a major skill, and one that is necessary for effective, healthy relationships. But many of us don’t even know when to do it! If you’re a people pleaser, saying no can seem impossible. You want to help people as much as you can, you want to make other people happy, and (maybe most of all) you want them to like you. Being a people pleaser might sound like a nice trait, but it often stems from low self-esteem and creates unnecessary stress and anxiety, leading to one’s own needs not being met. This results on their actions being mainly focused on being seen in a good light by others. The problem is that this not only creates unnecessary stress and anxiety but leads to one’s own needs not being met. When your own needs aren’t being met, it is hard to find satisfaction in life. This puts you at higher risk for depression and other mental health struggles. Additionally, the people pleasing life is not sustainable. Therefore, eventually you will hit a boiling point.
Common behaviors of being a people pleaser: ● Preoccupation with how others are feeling and what they think about you ● Hardship saying no to requests 26
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● Difficulty disagreeing with others ● Not wanting to express their own needs and feelings ● Conscious effort to avoid conflict ● Need for praise ● Taking things personally
Here are a few ways to stop being a people pleaser and start loving yourself: ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE ONE. Own being a people pleaser and identify what behaviors you engage in as a result. Getting really clear on how your people pleasing tendencies manifest will help you make a real change. ENGAGE IN SELF-ESTEEM BUILDING. As the root comes from a lack of self-esteem, it is important to build your confidence to stop the people pleasing behaviors. The key to self-esteem building is learning to focus on the positive. This entails taking time to focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. REMIND YOURSELF YOUR NEEDS ARE IMPORTANT AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO SAY NO. A big part of people pleasing behaviors is not allowing your needs to take priority. When someone asks for a favor, don’t answer right away. First take time to tell yourself you are equally important to this other person.
ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOUR MOTIVATING FACTORS ARE FOR PEOPLE PLEASING. Take a moment and consider what the obstacles are in your way of finding a better balance. Life is all about balance. Not being a people pleaser does not mean you stop caring about others. Know that you can be a caring, compassionate person, but not always put other people first. Finding that balance is the key. Using the above tips, you can more easily make selective decisions about when to give into requests, when to express your feelings, and stop overly worrying about upsetting others and experiencing conflict. Finding this balance will help lessen anxiety, stress and, and resentment. You can then increase happiness and life satisfaction. Isn’t that really what we all want?᯽ About Alyssa Mairanz (LMHC, CDBT): Empower your Mind Therapy is a group teaching practice founded by Alyssa Mairanz. The practice focuses on providing a supportive and validating environment. Alyssa brings to life the core principles of Dialectical Behavior Therapy while integrating Psychodynamic Therapy to allow for flexibility and increased awareness of all things that could be impacting clients’ lives and mental health. Alyssa attended Ferkauf School of Psychology Yeshiva University where she attained an MA in Mental Health Counseling. She has a Bachelor’s Degree from Queens College in Psychology and Counseling, and is certified in group psychotherapy, treating self-harm and suicide, and has advanced training in using DBT to treat personality disorders, trauma, and eating disorders. More details about Alyssa can be found at: www.eymtherapy.com
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“I Am Not Enjoying Parenting”: A Girlfriend’s Guide to By CHRISTINA HOWELL
I am not enjoying parenting my toddler.
grace and smoothness to our daily chaotic programming.
A sentence that was very hard to type and one that is even harder to admit, but a thought that has crossed my mind several times during a, rainy stuck-at-home-for-two-weeks, cough and booger-filled, potty-training, sibling fighting, pandemic Christmas “vacation.”
What did I learn and how can I eliminate this terrifying, guilt-ridden phrase from my mind?
And I know what you’re thinking – that says more about me than it says about my poor, innocent toddler. I am here to tell you that you are 100% with flying colors correct. After a tough two weeks of “intense troubleshooting,” we’re coming back into our routine and finding some 28
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Surviving Toddlerhood
“Failing to plan is planning to fail.” I’m just about ready to get this phrase tattooed on my arm. I often wonder if there’s anything I can’t do. And no, I’m not saying that to brag. I say it because no one else in this house psychotically thinks and plans as much as I do. Does anyone else think about the emergency snacks that must be packed in advance of any activity to
stop a meltdown in its tracks? And no one else plans a little bit of preschool workbook-ing after breakfast, followed by painting outdoors, followed by free play and then lunch and stories to get them tired enough to nap. No one else strategically times the bike ride before dinner. No one does any of this while working full-time from home, managing a team at work, being 100% responsible for all the shopping, wrapping, social calendars, wardrobe selection, hairstyling, and most baths. I’m absolutely insane. It’s all part of a crazy systematic structure that, to me, is the only way we can survive. However! Christmas vacation came. Colds came. Rain came. Oh, and that
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thing called the pandemic – still here. No school, no parks, no indoor play space, no Little Gym, no bike rides, limited library, limited family time, and limited outside time. Cabin fever set in and, it turns out, that doesn’t work well with toddlers.
system and all these things that make them more likely to melt down. Also, the neurons in their brains that fire when they’re watching TV are going to strengthen and somehow they’ll turn out like big dumb blobs if they’re not stimulated elsewhere!
I failed to plan and well….I failed Christmas vacation.
But it’s Tuesday evening, I’ve taken them on a bike ride, they’ve had a nice dinner, everyone is home, it’s warm, they’re comfortable … they are safe. They are not threatened. They are watching TV. Therefore, I’m going to yoga. Bye!
By day 16, with gray hairs sprouting out of my head and one too many yelling matches under my belt, I went on Amazon and purchased $75 worth of parenting books: How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Raising Good Humans, and The Whole-Brain Child, all of which intensely suggest that parenting is hard, you’re not a bad parent, and you need sleep. Maybe I hadn’t failed Christmas vacation?
Step 1: Check myself. Guess what? My partner lets the kids watch Cocomelon and Encanto, sprinkled in with the occasional Blippi and Go, Dog, Go. Like every day. For at least a short period of time. The rage I feel when I see him blankly lounging on the couch with his feet up, watching the game, playing on his phone, or otherwise doing NOTHING, has for so long overpowered the plain view in front of me: the kids got bored of the TV twenty minutes ago and are now quietly and happily playing by themselves. No one is fighting. No one is yelling. No one is hurt. There is no one micromanaging their activity, there is no adult painfully crouched down on the ground playing her 400th game of Zingo!. Dad is fully relaxed, and the children have made their way into the playroom and picked out something else to do on their own. Phew. Exhale. Now don’t get me wrong, the books say kids need structure! They need routine, they need to know what to expect and unpredictability makes them scared and weakens their limbic
Mantra: It’s ok to let it ride.
Little poops everywhere It turns out I’m not taking a liking to potty training. I’m frustrated, tired and angry. And so is my toddler. Likely story? Yes. Crying for help? Double yes.
Step 2: Sort out my mental madness around potty training. Mantra: This is new to him. He just turned 3. They are called “accidents” for a reason. I’m tearing out the upstairs carpet anyway. He doesn’t care if he gets pee on Mickey Mouse or Lightning McQueen or Ironman. Stickers lose their appeal, candy doesn’t. He didn’t tell me he had to go because (in his own words) “you were so busy!” If the preschool won’t take him because he is not potty trained, oh well, we’ll try again later. He will get it. He will get it. He will get it. Patience. Patience. Patience. The little poops everywhere are already something for me to play back and laugh at. Him screaming “I went poo-poo in the potty mommy!” literally 4-5 times at the exact moment I unmuted myself to speak on a conference call is now a sweet memory. All things considered, I must remember that he, too, gets stressed out and upset now when he has an accident. The moral of the story is: Take a chill pill and forget
about the idea of hiring someone to full-time potty train him in our home. God willing, he will not be in diapers when he is 7 years old.
The worst perfectionist ever Being a perfectionist is really hard when it comes to being a parent. I didn’t realize I was a perfectionist to begin with. What type of perfectionist walks around with chipped nail polish, allows their 1-year-old run to around all day pants-less, still has Christmas decorations piled in the corner, waves hello (and good-bye) at the 2-week-old piece of Jell-o that’s melded with the countertop, and just fed the 1-year-old the 3-year old’s leftovers because he only eats neutral-colored foods and the occasional ketchup by the spoonful. In these perfect mom scenarios, I tell my toddler, “Please don’t kick your sister in the face,” and my charming toddler kindly replies “Oh, mommy, I’m SO sorry; let me apologize and give Sissy a kiss. I’ll never do that again for as long as I live!” It’s me telling my toddler, “Calm down!” and him responding, “Oh! What has gotten into me? I am being way too dramatic! I’m gonna go read a book quietly in a corner for the next 30 minutes.” It’s an expectation that I have of this little, sweet, developing, tiny, human that is so unrealistic that I’d have a better chance expecting my partner to stop interior decorating our home with his shoes in every corner.
Step 3: See and love my children for who they are. Mantra: It’s not gonna be perfect. Let that sh*t go!
We’re not there yet In the words of an ever-so-eloquent philosopher, “My soliloquy may be hard for some to swallow, but so is cod liver oil.” His name is
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Andre 3000 and he is one half of the rapping duo, Outkast. Point is, “things” – life, parenting, potty training, breastfeeding, etc. – are hard, but committing to tackling those things with grace and actually listening to and applying expert advice is really hard too. It’s much easier to go off impulse and fly off the handle with rage. We are – and when I say “we” I mean “me” – are making progress. Body language, tone and deep breaths are something we are incorporating into each day. Ask first. Wait 10 seconds. Distract. What I haven’t figured out is what to do when you say “please don’t climb on the couch” three times and your 3-year-old stares you in the face and keeps jumping, never breaking eye contact. I also haven’t really figured out the art of responding to “NO!” from a fired
up 3-year-old. How do you get a toddler to listen? Do you at all? Do parents just trudge through this hell until they’re 4 or 5? Forever?
I love my children
the feeling when you witness them learn something new for the first time, and the little poops everywhere – at the end of the day, we all do our best we can with what we got.᯽
Becoming a parent has been the absolute most humbling experience of my life. I do all the things I swear I’d never do and I don’t do any of the things I swore I would. I kindly take back all the judge-y thoughts I had about parents, their kids, and the entire process of human bearing. However, I am 100% clear on one thing. My kids have ignited a joy in me so abundant and bright that my heart sometimes feels like it’s bursting. Looking at my kids and thinking, “wow, you came from me,” is the most mind boggling and cool thing in the world. Their precious faces, their funny little personalities,
Christina Howell is a full-time, workfrom-home mom of two under four. A tech marketer by day and an occasional magazine contributor by night, she survives on good food, better friends, real talk, and fine wine.