13 NORTH BAY BOHEMIAN | JANUARY 1–7, 2014 | BOHEMIAN.COM
So Long, 2013! A look at the year’s worst, wildest and weirdest of the North Bay BY LEILANI CLARK, NICOLAS GRIZZLE AND GABE MELINE
The Spotted Chihuahua ‘We know that there are public elected officials here today and that you’d better listen. You better start coming over to our side of town over there, and listen to what we have to say. Because now I’ve got what you’ve always had: it’s called money. And listen carefully, each of you. Until you come out and talk to us and listen to us and answer to what happened, I will take my money and run a spotted Chihuahua against you and let it win. And I mean it.’—Greg Sarris, Nov. 3 Citizens! I’m a spotted Chihuahua, and I want your vote. The above quote is from my campaign manager Greg Sarris. You may know him as the chairman of the Federated Indians of Graton Rancheria, which opened a casino in Rohnert Park a few days after
Sarris’ speech announcing my candidacy. (Well, it was supposed to be a speech honoring Andy Lopez at a meeting of the North Bay Organizing Project in conjunction with a tribal donation of $8,000 to his family, but we felt the time was right for a political announcement.) My team and I haven’t yet decided what I’m running for, exactly, but I’m leaning toward county supervisor. Good pay, high reelection rates for incumbents, ability to get into trouble without severe repercussion—it seems like a perfect fit for an ill-tempered, scrappy, undersized perrito like myself. And I hear there might be a good chance at defeating an incumbent pretty soon. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Spotted Chihuahua, you’re adorable and everything, but where do you stand on the issues we care about? What about water conservation, commercial development and paving our
roadways? I can assure you, I will pretend to care about every little thing your heart desires, just so long as I get my treats. Give me a peanut butter crunchie, and I will sing and dance for you all day. —Nicolas Grizzle
Efren’s Underwear “Efren Carrillo got arrested last night. He was drunk and in his socks and underwear.” It was the kind of text that makes you drop the phone and go “Daaaang!” And, like most people do when a public official is caught with their pants down (or missing entirely), I shot back with a joke. “Hey, it’s like the KONY 2012 guy, without the masturbation!” But here are the facts as we know them: Around 3am on July 13, a woman placed two 911 calls after a man rustled the blinds at her bedroom window, and soon after, Carrillo knocked on her front door and ran away. The 32-year-
old Sonoma County supervisor was found in only his socks and underwear, and the screen to the woman’s window was discovered to have been torn. Police believed Carrillo intended to commit sexual assault, and arrested him on suspicion of burglary, prowling and possible sexual assault in West Santa Rosa. The day after the arrest, I tossed around a few Champagne-fueled speculations with a friend. I was convinced Carrillo had ) 14