Metior Magazine - Speak Easy by Metior Magazine

Issue 1 2018 FREE!

METIOR

Murdoch Empire Telegraph & Indian Ocean Review

Political Correctness - A debate Is Murdoch screwing your education for money?

How to fail a unit Tales at the Tav: Improv Classes Pay Off for Lecturer Who Forgot All Their Notes

CONTENTS

A WORD FROM THE EDITOR

Ediotors Note / 2 Wine on a Budget /39 Parlez-vous Francais / 3 Spotting the Stranger / 41 Fat Traps / 5 Events / 43 Speaking in Tounges / 9 The World is so Beautiful /47 Smashing the Glass Ceiling/ 11 Tales at the Tav / 50 Film Review / 13 Cuts for Cash / 15 Political Correctness Scares Me / 21 Free Speech / 25 How to Fail a Unit/ 31 Something Can Be Said as Nothing / 35

I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW.

Murdoch Empire Telegraph & Indian Ocean Review - Since 1975 April 2018: Speak Easy METIOR is Murdoch University’s resident student magazine. METIOR has been a voice for the students on campus for 43 years, publishing student driven content from news, and commentary to comedy and short fiction. METIOR is funded by the Murdoch University Guild of Students, but retains editorial independence. The views expressed within do not reflect the views of the Guild, Murdoch University, or the METIOR editorial team, but are solely the views of the individual authors. METIOR acknowledges that this is and always will be Aboriginal land. Editor: Sarah Smit Subeditors: Michael Wood, Zenna Sparks-Santos Social Media Manager: Aaron Angel Contributors: Hannah Cross, Brittany Asplin, Thomas Wendt, Kyle Williams, Cheyanne Encisco, Gabrielle Hart, Olivija Nikolic, Lynn Westenberger, Kirsty Blakemore, Sophie Mollett, Corrina Mcbeath, Amber Spowart

Here’s my opinion on Donald Trump’s tax plan: it’s shit. Here’s what I said when someone asked me why I think it’s shit: ‘uhhh... Stephen Colbert and a bunch of the people I follow on Twitter don’t like it?’ I’m not not here to say Donald Trump’s tax plan is great. Don’t worry, I hate President Pussy Grabber as much as the next sane person. But I don’t actually know that his tax plan is shit. I thought I did, until I tried to articulate why. Which raises the question; how much of my opinions and worldview is based on assumptions, half understood facts, or ‘common sense’? Common sense is bunk- it’s based on the idea that we’ve all had common experiences that we understood in the same way, teaching us the same lessons. That’s very obviously rubbish. ‘Common knowledge’ is even worse. 50% myths, 50% half truths and 100% unreliable; just ask any historian who’s had to explain a hundred times that

actually, no, Napoleon was average height. The only worse source of information is 140 characters of angry shouting on a topic you’ve never read anything else about even if it is from the President. It’s good to have an opinion. Be loud, be opinionated, and care about the world. But ask yourself; do I know this? The best way to find out is to have a conversation with someone who disagrees with you. Let them pick the holes in your argument. Talk to a Young Liberal! Argue with a Communist! Hug a Pauline Hanson voter. Actually don’t take it that far, moderation in all things. Learn to embrace being challenged, and practise saying ‘I don’t know, let me do some more research.’ It’ll make you a better citizen of the world, and possibly better looking, too. Just don’t quote me on that last bit. Anyway, I’ll climb down off my soapbox now. Putting this issue together has been brilliant and terrifying, but we’ve learned a lot. We hope you like it, or at least hate it enough to submit an all-caps rant to Murdoch Confessions. Sarah Smit / Editor.

Parlez-vous Francais? BY AMBER SPOWART

Language apps are the way our current generation are choosing to approach a new language, but what apps are out there and are they any good? From the ubiquitous Duolingo to some lesser known contenders, here are a few apps for you consideration.

Duolingo was my first go at a language app. I wanted to study Japanese, but at the time there was no option for it. Then I tried Russian, but the app didn’t try to teach me the Cryllic alphabet first, so I gave up, which was how I ended up learning French.

Depending on the language, the app has a vast amount of content for you to learn, covering topics ranging from greetings to economics. It does a great job of monitoring progress and giving encouragement. The downsides can be noticeable though; the app didn’t explain anything to me about grammar and learning was a matter of trial and error. Throughout my time on the app it’s changed a lot and I have always had issues, but I’ve stuck with it. It’s by far the best I’ve found in both content and price (free, unless you hate the occasional ad).

Memrise is a well-known award winning language app. It’s got a neat

premise; you’re a secret agent learning a language. It has memory games, clips of native speakers and a charming section where your secret agent handler explains grammar to you. Sounds great, but then the issues start popping up. Progress is slow, some content is locked behind a price barrier and if you are

anything other than an absolute beginner it can be tedious and boring. So who is this app for? Those dedicated to learning a new language are already far past the starting point and the newbies will not be willing to part money with a possibly fleeting hobby.

HelloTalk is for the extroverts out there.

You select your native and target language and the app will pair you with someone with the opposite, who speaks your target language but wants to learn yours. The idea is you both learn from each other and have the option to correct the other when you make mistakes. This unfortunately gives rise to very human problems. Sometimes no one will want to talk to you, sometimes a pretty girl can end up being swamped by men, and sometimes people just want to chat and not teach. On the whole though I would recommend sticking out the first slog of a week. You soon find the right people to help you in your journey, as long as you help them in turn.

Anki is a bit different from the rest. It’s an app where you can

make your own set of flash cards or download someone else’s. Basically it will ask you the question and when you flip it over it will ask you how well you remembered the answer. Depending how well you did, or did not, remember determines how long till the app shows the same card again, maybe in a minute, maybe in a week. This way you will be reminded as you need it. This app also works really well for pretty much any study where memorisation is vital. 4

FAT TRAPS

LIFESTYLE

BY BRITTANY ASPLIN

Need advice on being a female? Laugh and learn alongside me as I learn a valuable lesson on womanhood. Recently, I went shopping with Mum for a new dress. When I tried one on, I noticed a few less than flattering lumps were bulging from under the dress. My mum, being the thoughtful woman that she is, suggested that I try Spanx just to smooth out the bumps. If you’re not familiar with Spanx, they’re a type of full coverage knickers made from a stretchy alloy of adamantium and vibranium, designed to make your squishy bits look less like they exist. If I knew what was going to happen next I would’ve declined. Unfortunately for me I’m not a fortune teller. I started to feel like Bridget Jones as Mum passed them to me; and they look awful. They go from my knees to just under my boobs, and in that ugly beige colour that only old ladies seem to wear, but I naively agreed to try them on. Now I had no idea how to put on Spanx but I figured you would put them on like any normal knickers, step in and pull up.

Spanx have not gone any higher than my knees but the persistent woman in me thought, “No, I can do this, and I will look fabulous once these are on my body.” I attempted to haul them up again with the “jump and yank” technique which sometimes works with jeans; nevertheless it only resulted in me tripping and falling into the wall. After 15 minutes of trying my arms began to tire, I let go of the Spanx. My knees snapped shut and I tripped over my feet, smacked into the wall, and fell with my legs sticking out under the door. Using the seat, I heaved myself up and continued to pull on these horrendous underwear. Whose idea was it to make these ridiculous stretchy knickers? My theory is that Spanx were designed by fathers with daughters because you can’t open your legs without them immediately springing shut again. 20 minutes later with multiple trips, grunts and groans I finally got them on.

As I pull them on, the higher they get the harder it was to yank them up. I sit for a moment trying to catch my breath and begin to ponder whether this was a good idea. After 10 minutes of struggling the

METIOR

Murdoch Empire Telegraph & Indian Ocean Review

E N I L ON UPCOMING ARTICLES Amok by Michael Wood, Ha-Hiaku and One-Liners; some (very) short creative fiction by Sarah Smit

LIFESTYLE

During this traumatic process I soaked my shirt in sweat, pulled a muscle in my arm, got a lump on my head from when I fell, broke all my nails, rubbed all the skin off my knuckles, and stretched my own knickers till they ripped and went so far up my butt that my voice rose several octaves. At this point the crotch was trapped between my thighs, confirming my theory that they’re made by fathers with daughters. Seriously, try and get laid with them on; once they’re on, you sure as hell can’t get the damn things off! They cling to your skin like a sloth to a tree and will not let go. By the time you get them off your date has either fallen asleep or escaped while you were in the bathroom (because no way would you get caught dead with them on). I opened the door to show my Mum; she was dying with laughter and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Maybe she planned this all along? Torment me for half an hour and have a ‘remember the time...’ story to tell the rest of the family. As I showed Mum the final result, the lingerie attendant walked past and looked into the changing room. She explained to me that there is a technique; you roll the leg like a pair of stockings and unroll as you slide them up. Oh, and I also had a pair that was two sizes too small. After all that I did go home with a pair of Spanx, only I made sure they were the right size!

Open by Chelsea Badger Distant Hearts by Ariana Rosenberg. Pitch Drop by Sarah Smit Moving on: My Murdoch Musings a poem by Kashiraj Pandey 7

FEATURES

As you can imagine, being bilingual has its perks. It’s already been established that being bilingual is beneficial when travelling but I also have a larger swear word vocabulary and I can argue in two languages. By far one of the best benefits of being bilingual, in my opinion, is that I can talk about people right in front of them without them ever knowing what I’ve said. You might have heard of the quote “To have another language is to possess a second soul” by Charlemagne. Studies say that those who are bilingual often see the world in different ways and they’re right. I find that I am more openminded to new experiences and new ways, and that I often see the world in two perspectives.

BY CHEYANNE ENCISCO

If those aren’t enough reasons to make you want to study another language, being bilingual has several cognitive benefits. According to research carried out by the Dana Foundation, knowing another language means that you have a better attention span and can multi-task more effectively. This is because speaking another language means constantly changing from one language to another.

We can all agree that we live in a world of great linguistic diversity, but did you know that language communities that are monolingual are in the minority? It’s estimated that 60 to 75 percent of the world’s population uses two or more dialects in their everyday life.

Being bilingual could even positively affect your health! Numerous studies have found that bilingual people are at lower risk of having a stroke and can delay the onset of Alzheimer’s disease and Dementia.

Having just come back from the Philippines after being on holiday for five weeks, I’m even more appreciative to know more than one language. Since moving to Australia twelve years ago, my parents have constantly reminded me not to forget my native language - a useful tool whenever I communicate with my relatives and friends over in the Philippines.

There are many benefits that you can gain from speaking another language, from personal to health benefits. So why not get started straight away? Challenge yourself to talk, parlare, parler, magsalita, sprechen, in as many languages as you possibly can.

SMASHING THE GLASS CEILING 11

BY HANNAH CROSS

On March 8th, I woke up with the resolute conviction that I would embrace International Women’s Day more than I had in previous years. After some consideration, I decided to post an Instagram story series of women who inspire me. I even threw in a few extra Snapchat stories, taking advantage of the extra filters and stickers available for the day. As I admired my perfectly curated Instagram story and scrolled through a plethora of other similar posts, I thought: “Why do we feel like we need a day to speak out about our experiences as women?” As women – as humans – we should feel able to discuss issues that affect or concern us when we please, and we should always take the opportunity to uplift those around us, especially our fellow women. Men, at the top of the patriarchal power structure, don’t need to establish their power and tell us that they are in fact powerful. Herein lies the problem: the fact that women must tell the public that they, too, are powerful, is an inherent weakness in the fight for equality. While the existence of International Women’s Day is a triumph in itself, it is still framed within this power system. Women remain on an uneven playing field by having the need to say that we are powerful. While it’s something already assumed and accepted for men, it needs to be continuously reinforced and vocalised by women, for women. This kind of deep-seated, naturalised oppression cannot simply be undone with a few social media posts and haphazard words about womanhood in all its glory and cruelty. It sure helps, but the fight is much larger than that.

OPINION It goes without saying that International Women’s Day is a day to celebrate women and to speak out, protest, and challenge. It is a day to look at the progress we’ve made, albeit slow, and think about the work we still have left to do. But why aren’t we doing this every day? The fight for equality must be more than just tokenism. I don’t need a special day to tell my mum or my best friend that she inspires me. I don’t need to hashtag #womancrushwednesday or #wcw on social media to post about women I admire.

The advent of social media has skyrocketed the reach of women’s voices in the virtual world and its potential as a tool for change is huge. The rise in feminist publications and social media accounts shows that we can use social media to document our experiences in a meaningful way. It is important to continue highlighting women’s issues – especially in the current political climate – and we should be finding strength every day to be vocal about women in the public sphere. The women we admire, the women who challenge us, and ourselves as women. The fight will continue for women’s rights every other day of the year, so why not give that fight a voice as loud as the one we deliver on International Women’s Day? Let’s speak up, speak out, and call on our fellow females to do the same on the daily. Let’s not just break the glass ceiling, let’s turn on the lights inside and let women shine through.

BLACK PANTHER

FILM REVIEW

BLACK PANTHER BY ZENNA SPARKES-SANTOS

I think we can all agree that Marvel consistently delivers top quality superhero movies. Whether or not you agree with the changes made in the transition from page to screen, the production value alone for their films is exceptional. The scripts are (usually) well written and expertly walk the line between comedy and tragedy. The performances are compelling and their costumes are always top notch. All that being said, Marvel have well and truly outdone themselves with Black Panther; I feel it is their best film yet. While the story (no spoilers) was relatively straight forward, the cast absolutely knocked it out of the park. I wasn’t disappointed by a single performance in this film. Chadwick Boseman delivered gravitas and wry humour as T’Challa, King of Wakanda, while Michael B. Jordan was a perfect counterpoint with the wild rage of Erik Killmonger.

However, what made this film everything we as the audience all hoped for was the phenomenal representation throughout the film. Cultures from every corner of the African continent were represented accurately and respectfully, instead of the problematic amalgamation of cultures that we normally see. On top of that, every female character in Wakanda had a distinct identity and motivations; something sorely lacking from most action films. T’Challa’s personal guard, the Dora Milaje, are made up of the strongest female warriors from all the tribes in Wakanda. Lead by Okoye (Danai Gurira), they fight together seamlessly and without hesitation. And since Marvel is now owned by Disney, Shuri, Princess of Wakanda, is the Disney Princess we’ve all been waiting for. I wait with bated breath to see how these characters mesh with the rest of the MCU.

CUTS FOR CASH: DOES MURDOCH CARE MORE ABOUT EFFECTIVE EDUCATION OR SAVING MONEY? BY ZENNA SPARKES-SANTOS

Do you feel your classes are getting bigger? That you’re getting less personalised feedback and one-on-one time with your tutors? It’s probably not your imagination. Classes really are getting bigger, and tutors are working under increasingly difficult conditions. But what does this mean for you? Most university administrations like to shake things up when they’re in power. They wipe clean the slate of the prior administration, and introduce their own policies. Murdoch is no different, so we are looking down the barrel of yet another restructure. In a statement, Murdoch said they were “encouraging unit coordinators to gather a critical mass of students in seminars, ideally between 25 and 45 attendees.” Yes. Twenty-five to forty-five students per class. There won’t be cuts to units, lectures or tutorial times; just to the number of tutorials being offered. Speaking to members of staff, it seems that these decisions are being made

CUTS FOR CASH

without the consultation and support of the academic council. This is a far cry from how the university was run in previous administrations. Choices took longer to make, but were made cautiously and with great care so as to minimise any negative impacts on staff and students. These changes are said to encourage peer-to-peer learning and robust academic discourse, but what happens to the quiet students? Students who are already struggling, who perhaps have underdeveloped social skills, or who are just plain shy? Evidence suggests those students quickly fall behind or simply drop out. It seems likely that these choices are driven by the increasingly tight education budgets handed down by the state and federal government. We have seen everything from individual units to entire majors fall by the wayside after budget cuts drove the administration to determine them financially inviable. In company with this, increasing numbers of tutors are being hired under casual contracts. With 50% of the university budget going to overheads – maintenance of the campus, administration and staff wages – it seems almost logical to cut back on the number of required contact hours but a number of these casual tutors are just entering their academic career.

Research shows that, at all levels, inexperienced teachers can be actively detrimental to their student’s learning for the first two to three years if class sizes are too large.

They aren’t as skilled as experienced teachers and don’t teach as effectively. Taking this into account, it becomes clear the most significant impact on student learning is not class sizes, but their teachers’ instructional methods. That is, the specific techniques being used in classrooms. After speaking to experts in tertiary education, it seems that experienced educators can manage those highpopulation classes far more effectively. There are certificate courses available for staff to work on their classroom skills, but those are predominantly offered to full time and tenured staff as they require attendance on a regular

basis. To facilitate skill development for content experts, Rebecca Saunders and Anne McGuire founded the Tutors Development Network. They offer drop-in, face-to-face classes to help those experienced in their field become better educators by teaching them the instructional methods needed at a tertiary level. Student engagement is critical to learning outcomes and, without these skills, those outcomes will suffer. It all depends on the university’s focus on providing and supporting this framework of skills for our educators during this transition. Changes are coming for Murdoch, as they always are. Keep your ear to the ground and speak up when you think it necessary. We need our teachers to have the necessary support from the university; what can you do to make sure that this happens?

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A DEBATE Over the next few editions of METIOR, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be talking about some contentious issues, with the aim of encouraging debate and engagement with big ideas. The articles in our debate section do not reflect the views of the METIOR editorial staff, but rather those of the individual authors. Some of the viewpoints expressed may be offensive to you, and you may not agree with our decision to give a platform to some of these articles. If you strongly disagree with any of the articles found in METIOR, submissions are now open for the next edition; send your response to metior@murdochguildstudents. com.au telling us why weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re full of shit, and you might just find your article in the debate pages.

OPINION

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS SCARES ME. DOES IT SCARE YOU? BY KYLE WILLIAMS

Significant fuss has been raised in recent years about political correctness, and the impact that it has on our ability to speak. Concerns about political correctness are often met with the response that it is simply “being nice,” and avoiding language that hurts disadvantaged people. However, such a view ignores the malevolent origins of political correctness and its continuing connection to censorship, and risks putting us all on the path to totalitarianism.

Political correctness, contrary to popular belief, did not originate on University campus, but in the totalitarianism of the 1930s. A New York Times article written in 1934 referred to the requirement for journalists in Nazi Germany to obtain permits, which were handed out for being Aryan and politically correct, and mentioned the need for these journalists to continue to watch what they say after obtaining a permit. The term political correctness also came in use in the US Communist Party in the 1930s and 1940s, where it described the proper words to be used and positions to be held by party members. From its inception, political correctness was not about respect, but rather conformity to the orthodoxies of explicitly totalitarian ideologies. But the use of political correctness to enforce an orthodoxy did not disappear with the US Communist Party or the Nazis. Just take a look at China. Xi Jinpeng has been incredibly insistent in recent years that the best quality a Chinese citizen or Communist Party member can have is party loyalty, with the questioning of the vision of the CCP heavily discouraged and an impediment to anyone wishing to rise in Chinese society. This has even extended out to impact Western companies with interests in China. Earlier this year, Zara, Delta Airlines and Medtronic were all rebuked by the Chinese Government and later apologised for referring to Taiwan as a country on its website. Mariott Hotels was even investigated by Chinese police and had their website shut down for a week in response to a survey which allowed loyalty members to select Taiwan, Macau, Tibet and Hong Kong as the “country” they lived in. Political correctness, as a part of totalitarianism, still lives on in some of the most authoritarian parts of the world.

OPINION

But what about political correctness in Australia and other Western countries? Surely there is a significant difference between it here in the hands of “social justice warriors” and in the hands of the Chinese Communist Party? Unfortunately, the only difference is in scale and in use. Unlike China, there is a myriad of ways you can fail to be politically correct in Western societies. At UWA, Bjorn Lomborg had his contract to start a think tank, with $4 million dollars of federal funding, cancelled. His crime: to be a “climate contrarian,” suggesting that global poverty was a more pressing issue then global warming. Despite claims that universities support academic freedom and our democracy relies on a “battle of ideas,” on issues such as our response to climate change this now seems far from the truth. Or take opposition to garments such as the Burqa. Many women around the world don’t get the choice to not wear the burqa. In some cases, they have actively defied the culture and governments of their countries to fight against being forced to wear it, and the values it is meant to foster such as “modesty.” Yet I can tell you from personal experience that a criticism of the burqa, even along similar lines to these protests, on a Western University campus ends badly for the student who dares to speak up.

OPINION

In these cases and others I have not mentioned, political correctness has been utilised to shut down viewpoints and ideas that challenge an orthodoxy, whether that orthodoxy is on climate policy, race, or a collection of other issues. This is not a product of a free society, where our democratic system demands that we are exposed to ideas that challenge our current beliefs and may even offend us, so we can make informed decisions about the direction our country should head in.

Instead, it is on the road to totalitarianism, where orthodoxies are created and are expected to be adhered to. Whereas we may be far enough from the excesses seen in China to avoid seeing the path we travel down, the fact remains that we are on it. Political correctness scares me. It is an idea by totalitarians and is still used by them today to control ideas and speech, in opposition to foundations of our democracy such as freedom of speech. And in the West it has continued to be used for this purpose, preventing ideas that are opposed to certain orthodoxies from being discussed. Far from being a display of niceness towards disadvantaged groups, political correctness has shown itself to be an insidious control over us, preventing us from speaking easy.

“FREE

OPINION

SPEECH” DOES IT REALLY MAKE US FREE? BY GABRIELLE HART

Being able to speak freely and challenge dominant thought is important. Democratic societies depend on engaged and critical citizens, and the expression of unpopular ideas. However, they also depend on some level of social order and peace. We all have to live on the same piece of dirt and drink from the same dam water, so to speak, and therefore need a way to balance all of our interests. Unless you’re an anarchist, you believe in some form of government and regulation of behaviour to maintain this order in our society – including what we say. Yes, it is about controlling what people say and do. That’s what the law does. We accept limitations on our speech and behaviour every day. Defamation and intellectual property laws are very uncontroversial examples of this. Of course, we then have the more controversial sides to the free speech debate too.

People say things that are misinformed or frowned upon or just plain shitty all the time. While they may not be charged or imprisoned, they may find themselves facing the social consequences of their words as they are met with criticism in return. This is the bonus of having an open and expressive society; the right of reply. However, there are things that when said, can cause considerable harm and practical repercussions in people’s lives and perhaps should not be allowed in the public sphere. As people living in an interactive society, we need to learn how to balance our needs with that of others. As a country, we therefore need to negotiate our desire for free expression and the need to go about our lives without unnecessary harm.

There is a difference between talking to someone and harassing them. Between heated debate and abuse. I think we can all agree that there is a line there where things go too far, we just differ on where it lies. So maybe we need to have a conversation about all this to get on the same page, but does it really surprise you that the people drawing that line first, are the ones getting hit?

of expression as well as our safety and dignity. But there’s been a real backlash about what has been dubbed “political correctness” by certain factions of politics, most of whom seem to regularly enjoy testing how far our vocal freedom extends. But it’s hard to see any trend of the sort actually occurring. In fact, I’ve noticed the opposite.

To be clear, I’m not saying that no one can comment on anything ever. I think our laws are pretty good as they are at protecting our freedom

As a gay person that lived through the plebishite saga last year (some didn’t), I can tell you that there is a difference between being “mean”

OPINION

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DAY OF THE DEAD FACE PAINT TEQUILA SPECIALS FREE ENTRY

and the kind of prejudiced projectiles we faced an onslaught of then and continue to experience today. Being compared to a paedophile is not just “mean,” it’s defamatory and damaging. Words have power and less informed people will take them on-board and respond to the subjects of them accordingly. As a result, there are people in Australia who don’t want people like me around children. Just because we’re gay. Aside from the pure awfulness of that, can you see how that might practically affect someone’s life? How adoption by same-sex parents is apparently now an ‘issue’ that needs discussing. How children became a central focus of the marriage debate. How our parenting is continually called into questioning. Like this stuff carries on past the wo seconds it took to make the original backhanded comment. And this leads us to the crux of the issue; is one person’s right to “have their say” on someone else’s life, worth the repercussions for the other person? When we talk about hate speech, anti-discrimination and anti-terror laws, we’re not just trying to prevent our feelings from getting hurt – though the fact that discriminated groups in our society have higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide should really make you question why that would be a bad thing.

We’re just trying to live our lives without harassment, discrimination and abuse. These laws are not just about being “nice”, but about governments doing their job to protect their citizens’ safety. They’re about justice. They’re about fighting the harmful attitudes and beliefs upheld by hundreds of years of oppressive speech and behaviour. They’re about freedom from oppression. No one is free when others are oppressed.

THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO WASTING THE GOVERNMENT’S MONEY So, you got into Murdoch and you’re on the government’s, or your parent’s, dime. Congrats! But who cares about getting a degree when you’re here to party! So here are my top 10 ways to fail a unit so you can stay at Uni forever!

1 3

Don’t Read the Unit Guide. It’s all just lies made up by the unit coordinator to make sure you succeed, and you don’t want that now, do you? If you do need some basic information on the unit, just email your unit coordinator all your questions and they’ll help you out. You Should Never Contact Your Tutors. It’s never necessary to get information on things you didn’t understand or notify them of any changes to your schedule, they’ll just know.

Don’t Do the Readings. Your experienced unit coordinator spent hours collecting useful and informative readings to help you succeed, but you know what you’re talking about, you’ve watched all the good drama shows like CSI, Grey’s Anatomy, Law and Order, Glee; you have it all down pat. It’s easy! Don’t Keep Track of Your Assignments. You have a good enough memory. You know your next assignment is due in two weeks on Monday at 5pm, or was it 6pm, or midnight, or Tuesday, or in 1 week? Ah, it’ll be alright.

BY THOMAS WENDT

Leave Everything to the Last Minute. You kind of know when your assignments are due, so no need to worry about them now. It’s a 3000-word research assignment on the conflicts in the Middle East, you can get it done the night before. Go back to watching House of Cards on Netflix, that counts as research, right?

Referencing Sucks, Don’t Do It. You know where you got your information from, it’s fine. Don’t worry about making sure that others can check up on your information. Between you and me, you got it all from Wikipedia anyway. Maybe some of it is copy/pasted into your assignment but you changed some key words so it’s fine.

Don’t Worry About Your Mental Health. Sure, your brain is one of the most important tools at Uni. Sure, you might not be feeling that great about doing your assignments after your partner broke up with you. Sure, Murdoch has a counselling service that gives you six free sessions every calendar year. You know yourself, it’ll pass. Just work extra hard and push those feelings deep down inside.

The Tavern is Open from 11 am to 7 pm Weekdays. You know you have a lecture on at 2:30pm, but your friends are all going to the Tav now and they’re all skipping out on their tutorials. What does a lecture help with anyway?

Don’t Catch Up on Missed Lectures. If you do miss a lecture, the best thing to do is to just accept your losses and move on. Forget about the fact that there’s recordings of all the lectures available online, it’s probably fine.

Don’t Ask Questions of Your Peers to Get Further Opinions. It’s a simple topic, you know what you’re talking about, no use looking at other ways of thinking. You have all the information you need and what if another student wants to ask about what you thought of the lecture. They probably understood it exactly the same way you did. 34

LIFESTYLE

SOMETHING CAN BE SAID AS NOTHING BY OLIVIJA NIKOLIC

I’ve spent the last hour with an empty word document open on my desktop, the key flashing on and off, echoing the blankness. I barely noticed this though, because I was flicking through Instagram and Tinder while I tried to find the words that were escaping mean ironic image reflecting an equally ironic place in time for human expression. You don’t need me to tell you that communication has changed drastically in the last ten years, even in the last two years. People would laugh at you if you offered them a home phone number as a point of immediate contact, much less a Myspace or MSN account (RIP). But the other day I really felt the empty void we’ve created for ourselves; a friend asked another friend to repeat what she’d just said, to which she huffed “I messaged it to you, I’m not repeating it.” Is it selfishness? Is it laziness? Is it a complete lack of awareness? Plenty of middle-aged, right-wing journalists and other professional criticisers would be very content to argue that people have leaned into a new found sense of “complacency” otherwise not seen in the human race. I would reply that this position - to reduce technically advanced communication over a huge range of platforms to ‘antisocial behaviours’ - is in and of itself lazy. It demonstrates a lack of understanding about a whole new set of social cues, idiosyncrasies, ironies (and post-ironies). It ignores, too, a new social intuition; the politics of Snapchat streaks, strategic seening, and how to create visibility for your Instagram account through witty bios and vague altruisms. This attitude is a repetition of a vast human history of

people not liking new things that they don’t understand, things that change the status quo. In many ways, it seems that human nature has been completely unaffected by its new close companion. Just because things have changed, is that wrong? This new era is a transformation of communication in human civilisations; it’s instantaneous nature, greed for information, and all-encompassing wake is completely unprecedented in previous generations, who seemed to think that in the year 2000 society would only have changed as far as to become like Jesus;

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While we seem to have great ability to imagine the possibility of technology, we can only imagine it insofar as its relates to ourselves; that German illustrator in 1910 wanted to walk on water, our parents’ generation wanted to use the internet on desktop computers to aid with the speed of business interactions. Beyond that, the development of further technology seems a step too far, or pointless and destructive – there’s an innate human inability to look beyond the needs and wants of the self. The great power of social communication technology is in its ability to adapt, and the great genius of its intrinsically selfish nature – the experience is all about the individual user and fulfilling their immediate wants and needs; a message to a group chat, a flirty text to a date, FaceTiming your dog. All of these things are selfish – they’re about you, and your wish to reach out and connect with someone or something.

But all this reaching out leaves a pattern, a web.

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This web is unlike any previous human technology; it learns, remembers, and progresses, it fixes holes in the data. It’s constantly evolving and adapting by itself in conjunction with our constant and tireless input. In a blind sort of way, every time you reach for your phone, you’re editing the system, you’re looking to the future and you’re wanting to include others in your present. You may say something, you may say nothing. Either way, it ends in the same result.

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LIFESTYLE

Houghton's Red Classic is a $8 bottle of wine from Swan Valley and is one of Western Australia's best kept secrets. It won a gold medal at the 2012 National Wine Show Australia, and Ray Jordan, one of Australia's top wine critics, reviewed this wine as best value for money in 2017.

Wine on a Budget

\HOUGHTON RED CLASSIC BY BRITTANY ASPLIN

Are you a poor peasant but dream of drinking classy? Try this delicious red and get amazing quality for just a few bucks! Australia has always been blessed with our wine regions, especially Western Australia. On our doorstep we have Margaret River, Pemberton, and Swan Valley wine growing regions (just to name a few) who are some of the highest rated wineries worldwide. I like to believe that, like any other normal uni student, you tend to watch your budget. And with the heightened difficulty of getting a job nowadays you probably cling to it no matter how horrible it is. Nevertheless, if you want a bottle of wine to celebrate the end of a busy week or, if you are like me, and just enjoy drinking wine while studying, my number one pick is Houghton's Red Classic.

It has a deliciously fruity palate with hints of blackberries. The fragrance is floral and musky which is incredibly inviting. It’s an easy drinking wine with heaps of rich flavours including cherries, plums, and a touch of vanilla, and marries beautifully with lamb, hard cheese and even dark chocolate. Even though the flavours are rich, it is not overpowering overall with a smooth medium body. Now I am a little biased because I’m a sucker for red wine. I love the ruby colour, the light to heavy fruity taste and no, I don’t like to share my wine. But I love this wine! The fact that this wine was rated 93 out of 100 by Jordan and costs less than $10 a bottle?! To me, that’s amazing value for money. When you’re on a budget you don’t need to spend more than $20 on a bottle if it comes from Western Australia; or just Australian wines in general. This wine is delicious. It’s wonderfully balanced and nice to enjoy with a scrummy platter of cheeses, cold meats and good crusty bread (dammit I’m hungry now) while catching up with friends. Or even just to have with yourself for a quiet night in.

And no, you’re not lonely; you just don't want to share!

LIFESTYLE

SPOTTING THE STRANGER BY LYNN WESTENBERGER

Have you ever been somewhere where people do not speak your native language? And even if you do speak their language, something will always tip them off and they make you as a foreigner straight away. Let me tell you a little trick on how to blend in: In the last year of my degree, I suddenly noticed that I loved studying too much to let it end this easily. The best way to lengthen that wonderful time was to go study abroad – and that is what I chose. Preferably as far away as possible, and in a country where I spoke the language well enough to follow the classes. That left Australia, or New Zealand. Naturally I chose the sun over the rain, kangaroos over sheep. Now I find myself in this laid-back, welcoming place to enjoy studying and meeting new people. My units are swell, and I have no problems following the lecturers and tutors. Readings and assignments are just as annoying as back home, but the language is not a problem here either.

The only thing that bugs me is that whenever I speak to someone, they ask me where I am from. Honestly! They make me as soon as I open my mouth. Starting to feel like I missed the “secret handshake lesson” in O-Week, I mustered up all my courage and halt the next person crossing my path. Asking where I am from is his first reaction to my greeting. A resigned sigh escapes me. ‘Germany,’ I state, and ask him how he made me as a foreigner so quickly, ‘Was it my accent, my look or a secret Murdoch ritual?’ ‘Nah that’s bullsh*t, you’d have learned the ritual by now! It’s way more obvious. We simply say Hi or G’day. If you wanna be Aussie, lose the “MOIN”.’

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THE WORLD IS SO BEAUTIFUL 45

What is life? If not for daring, What is love? If not for caring, The aging time scrapes the bone, The longing wait beside the phone. The endless tears of joyful fear, The hugs of those you hold dear. The beaming toddler grin of cheek, The giggles of hide and seek. What is fear? If not for living, What is passion? If not for singing, The graceful steps, the words unspoken, The grieving wait as you lay broken. The crinkling of a newspaper, The smell of fresh coffee. The sunlight through the window, The rippling of the water As the river begins to flow. The world is so beautiful, How many of you see it? BY SOPHIE MOLLETT

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Tales At The Tav Issue 02

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Improv Classes Pay Off for Lecturer Who Forgot All Their Notes By THOMAS WENDT

a strange turn of events, Dr. Sally Thompson, the unit coordinator and lecturer for POL404: History of Terrorism in Western Society, turned up to her lecture Monday morning without any notes prepared. Dr. Thompson drew upon her forcefully forgotten high school improv classes and her knowledge of the show ‘24’ in an effort to appear calm and collected. “I kinda suspected she didn’t know what she was talking about when she started the lecture by asking for a location and career,” commented Travis Fakeley, a fourth year Counterterrorism student. “And when she started

every sentence with ‘Yes, and…’ I thought I might have been in a drama lecture, but no dice.” “I think a few people may have recognised the improv,” Dr. Thompson reflected, “but the White House Down quotes gave it a bit of gravitas that threw them off. Excellent movie by the way, highly recommend, Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx are great.” Although entirely inappropriate and unnecessary, her performance was pretty good, she had nice crowd work and was engaging and entertaining. Her mime of being stuck in a box was a bit cliché, but overall it was a good performance. 4/5 stars.

UPCOMING HEADLINES Local Woman Only One Viewing Of ‘Lion King II; Simba’s Pride’ Away From Admitting That She’s A Furry. Pitch Perfect Fan And First Year Uni Student Still Holding Out Hope Of Finding Their Group Of Supermodel-Hot Sassy Misfits Any Day Now. Metior Writer Stuck for Ideas, Publishes Absolute Rubbish. ‘Political Correctness Is Destroying Our Right To Difference Of Opinion!’ Says Member Of Young Liberals Who Wants Communist Clubs Defunded.

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