Friday, March 5, 2010 • The Jewish Press Magazine • Page F1
PULLOUT SECTION: Attention Readers! This section of the magazine contains sensitive topics and should be monitored.
FAMILY ISSUES NAOMI MAUER AND SHANDEE FUCHS, EDITORS
Torah & Psychological Insights Into Relationships By Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW Chaya Feuerman, LCSW
Evidence-Based Parenting
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Part III
t seems like everyone has an opinion on how to parent – your mother, your neighbor, even the clerk in the supermarket – all have “helpful” advice to share, whether you want it or not! Then there are the hundreds of books on the subject – by Jewish and non-Jewish authors, as well as the many community lectures given by experts. But, what really works and how can you know if it does? Researchers have begun to study parent/ child interactions in longitudinal studies to better understand what is effective and what is harmful. How Does Punishment Work? As we discussed last week, there is a natural urge to react aggressively when a rule is violated or we are disrespected. Getting angry and meting out revenge, “teaching him a lesson”, spanking, withholding privileges and other kinds of punishments have been used to discipline children for thousands of years. Objective scientific observation and study can measure all kinds of data to prove or disprove what works and how. When it comes to punishment, the question is, how well does punishment work? On the one hand, it must work well enough; otherwise societies throughout the ages would not have consistently used them as measures to enforce laws. On the other hand, the number of people in prisons today reminds us of a famous joke about smoking: “It’s very easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it many, many times!” In a similar vein, if imprisonment as a punishment is so effective, why is incarceration used so often and why are most of our prisons filled to capacity! Every scientific idea or study begins with a hypothesis. If we are to assert that punishment works, the next question is how? Let’s begin by
studying “natural punishments” – when a child gets too close to the stove, he will fear the discomfort of the heat, and if he gets even closer he will get burned. It does not take long for a child to quickly figure out what causes pain. So, the goal of the punishment is to create an immediate and unpleasant feeling – which we hope is associated with the undesired behavior. Theoretically, this should discourage that particular behavior. But here is where things become tricky. If we are to agree that associations can shape behavior, then we must be careful what kinds of associations we create. As in the example above, the child associates the pain of being burned with the oven and learns to stay away. But, sometimes when a parent administers a punishment, the child may learn to avoid the undesired behavior, but he may also become emotionally averse to the parent. After all, from a strictly logical point of view, the forbidden behavior brought the pleasure, while it was the punishing parent who brought the pain. So, the child might learn to seek out the behavior and try to avoid the parent! If a parent is going to use punishments, then there must also be positive and pleasurable interactions with the child to counter the potentially negative association with the punishment. This is often what goes wrong with parents who punish too much and end up with a rebellious child. It is not the punishments per se that are the problem. Rather, it is the proportion of negative experiences with the parent that make the child averse to listening or being involved with the parent. Simply put, if you spend lots of fun time with your child and once in a while you need to punish him, the continued on page F4
Simcha and Chaya Feuerman provide psychotherapy to individuals, couples and families. Their offices are located in Brooklyn and Queens, NY. To contact the Feuermans call 718 793-1376 or email them at simcha_chaya@excite.com. Note: Correspondence regarding the articles should be either via email or mailed C/O The Jewish Press.
Leaving The Nest: Half Full Or Half Empty? By: Rivki Jungreis MS.Ed, LMSW
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nvariably when our older children leave home, get married and establish lives of their own, windows of opportunities can arise for the mother left behind in the nest. Appreciating new parental ventures can only become apparent after one re-shifts and re-focuses their priorities. For some women, an empty nest evokes a sense of purposelessness and a feeling of melancholy. Many mourn the loss of their children’s departure and the daily dependence that the children had on them. Others feel energized by their new sense of freedom and excited at the thought of embarking on a new job or being able, for the first time, to
pursue hobbies that interest them. And then there is an increasing number of women who find themselves in their own unique category – half a nest. Loosely translated, the older children have left the nest to get married but there are still younger children nesting at home, albeit on a 9 to 5 school schedule. Consequently, these middle aged moms who may be in the throes of a job, be committed to elderly parents or have new duties as a grandmother, suddenly find they face more demands and higher expectations than ever before. Their seemingly endless list of obligations result in several problems:
Rivki Jungreis MS.Ed, LCSW is a psychotherapist specializing in Play Therapy, is EMDR trained and certified from EMDRIA institute. She is trained in Self Relations Psychotherapy and graduated with a MSW from Columbia University and with a masters in Special Education from Bank Street College. Published in CUSSW journal on Family and Children in Crisis and other publications, she attributes her interest in play therapy to her fulfilling work with special children at Churchill and Bank Street College. A noted lecturer at Hineni outreach organization, Rivki is deeply gratified by the positive response of the Organization on so many. In conjunction with her seminars on skills acquisition and parenting group workshops given all over tri-state area, Rivki maintains a private practice open to adults and children.
Seruv Listing The names listed below are Mesarev Ledin. A Beth Din has issued a seruv against each person listed for a) withholding a Get upon being ordered to grant one, b) for refusing to appear before Beth Din in matters pertaining to a Get, c) for otherwise failing to follow the order of a Beth Din in matters pertaining to a Get. For the Halachot regarding how one should treat a person who is Mesarev Ledin, please consult a competent Orthodox Rabbi. KURT SHMUEL FLASCHER of Brooklyn, N.Y., issued by Bet Din of Elizabeth, September 2002. DENNIS BUCH, issued by Rabbinical Court of Kollel Avreichim and Yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael, March 4, 2004. SAMUEL ROSENBLOOM of Gaitersburg and Baltimore MD., issued by the Baltimore Bais Din, June 17, 2004. JACOB MOSES BINSON of Montreal, Canada, issued by Bet Din Zedek of Montreal in August 2005. ARIEL HACOHEN, of Queens, N.Y. issued by Vaad Harabbonim of Flatbush, July 2006. JOSEPH DAYAN, whereabouts unknown, issued by Beth Din of America, February 2007 LEROY MELECH KRANTZ of Brooklyn, N.Y. issued by the Bet Din of America, February 2008. YISROEL MEIR BRISKMAN, whereabouts unknown, presumed in the USA, issued by Rabbinic High Court of Jerusalem, July 16, 2008. ABRAHAM KENIG of Brooklyn, N.Y. issued by Bet Din of America, November 2008. YEHUDA BEN LITTON, of Lakewood, N.J. issued by Rabbi Mendel Epstein, Rabbi Peretz Steinberg and Rabbi Usher Landau, December 2008. SHIMON KNOPFLER of Brooklyn, N.Y. issued by Beth Din of America, March 2009.
Firstly, middle-aged moms need to deal with new pressures while simultaneously juggling the time they spend with their younger children. Secondly, and perhaps even more frightening, parents are confronted with the stark reality that some of the child rearing methods, once implemented in years gone by, no longer serve them in good stead. Parents often reflect on the severe contrasts regarding the ways in which we raised our older children compared to the younger ones. We wax sentimental about a more innocent era when one-on-one conversations with our children were the standard fare in communication. As younger moms we were able to devote the lion’s share of our time to our toddlers. Story time, game playing, long talks, leisurely car rides and trips to the amusement park all seemed so effortless. The words “quality time” were not even a part of our vernacular. Ten years down the road, however, it appears that we are left with quite a different parenting scenario. Due to our increased responsibilities and material needs, we find ourselves on mental overload and thus, we are riddled with guilt that we can no longer parent with the same degree of attention that we had for the older children. continued on page F3