Holiday Pro-craft-inator It’s the night of the party, and you just found out there’s a gift exchange; it’s your first Christmas with relatives you don’t know that well; you received a gift from someone you didn’t buy anything for – what do you do? Friends, it’s time to get crafty with a few homemade holiday cards.
For the person you wish to ‘guilt’ into loving you You need: a vivid imagination and a tendency to fixate. Nothing makes that special someone more uncomfortable than a gesture that says, “I love you more.” You could say it in a card: “I know all your food allergies! I bet you don’t know mine!” Or you could say it with an overly personal collage. (Warning: This could take months, but if you really love them, you’ve already started one.) My favorite way to say “I’m committed” is to go old school and send them a piece of ear, like Vincent van Gogh. I really do not see how this could go wrong. Front of card: “Thinking of You this Season.” Inside: “Are you thinking of me? I didn’t think so. Why don’t you love me?”
For the person who has everything Some people buy themselves everything they need. But there’s an old saying/Beatles song that money can’t buy you a homemade card. Make it so personal that they will feel horrible for throwing it away. Front of card: “Here’s something you can’t return …” Inside: “MY LOVE!” This card works best at a party where you can follow them around for the rest of the evening.
Santa Claws!” Inside: “Hey animal, I know you probably don’t know what’s going on, except that everyone is eating a lot more food. I just didn’t want you to feel left out just because you don’t ‘understand’ ‘Christmas.’” Better make this card out of something edible, unless your pet is one of the few that knows how to read.
For your secret lover Not saying that you have a secret lover (wink), but if you do (wink), I’m sure they’d love to be remembered this year. Front of card: “Happy Holidays” Inside: “;)” Do not sign this card! Also, hide it somewhere special, and wear gloves the entire time you handle this card. You don’t want anyone to be able to trace you.
Your pet
For the person you just started dating
Pets need to celebrate the holidays, too! If you’re anything like me, your pet has a stocking and “gives” gifts on Christmas. So, why not give back with a thoughtful card? Animals love thoughtful cards. Front of card: “Happy Howl-idays!” Or, “Here comes
Oh no! Why did you start dating someone right before all these serious, gift-giving holidays? I guess you can’t control what time of year you fall in like, or what time of year it seems like everyone around you is in love and you just don’t want to be alone. Don’t get any of your lonely tears on this card
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2012 Holiday Gift Guide
– you don’t want to come on too strong. Front of card: A snowman. Inside: “My ice-cold heart is beginning to thaw!” Front of card: “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?” Inside: “Let’s smooch.” (This card could include a stick of gum or some breath spray. It’s not a hint, it’s being cute.) Front of card: “Jingle all the way!” Inside: “Well, not all the way. I mean, I like you, but I’m not ready to get too serious just yet. I feel a lot of pressure because the holidays are all about family and togetherness, and obviously I don’t want to be alone in the dead of winter, but I have no idea the appropriate amount to spend on you. Wait, that came out wrong. I definitely see you as more than just a warm body, you know? I like you enough to make you a homemade card, so that should say something. I just can’t be in anything serious right now. Let’s just keep things simple. Does it sound like I’m breaking up with you? I’m not breaking up with you. I’m getting really anxious – here’s an iTunes gift card.”
For jerks who hate Christmas Some people are just “grinches” this time of year. They hate the holidays and are tired of being called a “scrooge” for not liking them. This is a difficult time for them, so I’m sure even they would appreciate a card to help them through. Maybe their heart will grow three sizes after reading it. Front of card: Nothing seasonal, maybe just a nice winter scene, unless they would hate that, too. Inside: “Hello. Here is some money for no particular reason.” (Include money.) Front of card: “Why do you hate Christmas?” Inside: “Why?” (Include an unbroken candy
cane. Even people who hate the holidays like candy, probably.)
Need a little something extra to go along with your newly crafted card? You need: googly-eyes candy. If you don’t have googly eyes already, go and get some immediately. They are awesome, and useful for just about everything. When you’re bored, you can put googly eyes on all the people in a catalog or magazine. Trust me, it’s so great. For this gift, you can use some old Halloween candy, or whatever you have lying around the house. If you don’t have candy on hand, make a lot of stops into the bank over the next few weeks and pick up as many lollipops as it would look normal for you to take in one visit. Glue or stick the eyes onto the wrapper of the candy. This makes the candy look like it has silly eyes. Anthropomorphizing anything is instant comedy, and when these silly candy people are presented as gifts, their charm will more than compensate for your lack of consideration. Go the extra mile and make a family of candy people; include the pets! A note: I would love to receive candy people as a gift because they’re cute, you get googly eyes to reuse, and you get candy to eat. I once received “reindeer poop” and “snowman poop” on two separate occasions, and they were literally chocolate chips and marshmallows in sandwich baggies. A cute, seasonal name does not make up for the fact that you are giving chocolate chips and/or mini marshmallows. What am I going to do? Reach in and eat a handful morsels? of semisweet Not sober. – Carla Patton
The Port Townsend & Jefferson County Leader