Crude dating T
he Oxford phenomenon of ‘crew dating’ is a curious affair. Should you have the misfortune to wander into ‘At Thai’ or ‘Bombay’ after sunset you will see the bizarre ritual unfolding. A ‘crew date’ is just that. Two ‘crews’ - sports teams or drinking societies from different colleges - will ‘date’ each other en masse. A rowdy dinner followed by a club night – Park End and the Bridge being the most popular – will lead to many drunken fumblings and banterous misdemeanours. Fancy dress is optional. Excessive drinking is not. Some crews are more in demand than others. St Catz and Hertford are raucous company at dinner, as are minnows like Regent’s Park. Wadham boys dress florally to impress, while Pembroke men are known to lavish their lady guests with champagne. By contrast the work-absorbed colleges (you know who you are) understand crew dating as frivolous, crass and unhealthy – which is wholly accurate. In search of that elusive commodity known as a ‘social life’ however, most of us soldier through it, regardless of what our better nature tells us. Diligently, you will have already facebook stalked the members of the opposing team. This is all very proper, though be careful not to know their names before they are given; that can be awkward. Similarly, do remember their name once they tell you it, though amongst the noise and prodigious quantities of wine you’ll probably be forgiven for forgetting. Ensconced in between two buxom beauties or handsome fellas, the fun begins. Ideally you will flirt with both of them, tactfully playing one off against the other. Far more entertaining however is watching your single-sex schooled friend across the table attempt to make
conversation. As a mark of how you’re doing, if you don’t know what undergarments your neighbours are sporting by the time the main course arrives, then you’re failing. ‘Sconcing’ deserves a special mention, because in one way or another it is responsible for most of the broken hearts, ended friendships and general debauchery that crew dating is blamed for. A ‘sconce’ or ‘fine’ is made by one member of the
date in challenge to all the others; ‘I sconce anyone who has...’ Guilty parties are expected to drink. As you might guess, the sconces will be of a strictly sexual composition – deviations from this theme are only permitted if they successfully humiliate another member. At times, sconcing can descend into an extremely mortifying experience. Confidences once kept are haphazardly broken in a drunken
haze. Occasionally two over-enthusiastic and inebriated participants, knowing all the grisly details of one another’s lives, will engage in a bitter war of attrition
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Tom Beardsworth Brasenose PPE – firing sconces across the table in an exercise immensely entertaining for the audience. There are two solutions to this: (a) refrain from disclosing anything to friends that involves your sex life or (b) find out as much as possible about theirs, information you can needle them with if provoked. Students of the Cold War will be familiar with the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction. The same principle applies. When two crews gel – that is, they each regard the other as ‘fit’ and having ‘good chat’ – crew dating is a great way to enjoy Oxford’s otherwise tame social scene. Chances of copulation increase significantly, I am told. Sometimes things go wrong. I recall stumbling into my tutor on the High Street, port in hand, having just pleaded for and secured a deadline extension via email. It was immediately revoked. Worse, I know of one poor chap who woke up the next morning like the baby Jesus, naked in the stables of Blenheim Palace. But generally, the only costs are to your wallet, dignity and sexual health. If this all sounds undignifying, it is. But if it doesn’t seem like fun either, then that’s okay. Crew dating is a contrived, winesodden attempt to have a Good Time. Many people prefer the more casual, spontaneous socialising that – contrary to the Oxford misconceptions – there is ample time and opportunity for. But as part of a rich and varied social life, crew ENTERTAINMENT dating can really jazz up the Oxford experience. Just don’t take it too seriously.