Granoff Consulting A One-Man Shop
The Life and Experiences of Granoff Consulting granoffconsultingadmin - Monday, July 1st, 2019
Eugene Granoff works as a corporate consultant, and while he hoped to find success in the corporate world- nothing ever seems to go his way. Everywhere Granoff goes, chaos seems to follow him, and after being let go from several different companies due to his bad luck, he founded his own business consulting firm, Granoff Consulting. But, the disasters didn’t stop there. Granoff Consulting was doomed from the start, and these are the stories of Eugene Granoff’s misfortunes.
All about Eugene Granoff
Eugene always had bad luck. As early as elementary school, Granoff found himself in some pretty sticky situations. From accidentally gluing himself to his desk chair in 4th grade, to the time he tripped over his graduation gown in front of the entire student body when he graduated from high school, Eugene just couldn’t catch a break. He’s been unsuccessful in his relationships, is afraid of most animals (so he can’t have pets), and has found it difficult to earn a living because something always goes wrong. He misses his flights, gets stuck in traffic, or winds up involved in some other catastrophe that often prevents him from even being able to make his consulting appointments. Hopefully one day Eugene can find happiness and become successful, but until then, he’ll surely be getting himself into trouble.
Granoff’s First Day as a Corporate Consultant As if Eugene hasn’t had it bad enough, his first day as a corporate business consultant for a multi-million dollar consulting firm was one for the books. It all started when Granoff’s supervisor sent him on a consulting session with a high powered criminal defense lawyer in New York City. To get to the appointment, Eugene had to take the subway to 51st, but was shocked when the subway was delayed by a group of dancing mimes who refused to stop “busting a move” long enough for the doors to safely close! So many bad things happened in his past, and Eugene does have a passion for miming, so he just couldn’t resist joining the dance crew with his outrageous dance moves. If he was going to miss his consultation, he figured, he might as well have fun doing it. Needless to say, that was Granoff’s last day at his first consulting job.
This Is only the Beginning Eugene Granoff might be a walking disaster, but he is a lovable character who you can’t help but root for. With a great sense of humor and the best intentions, Granoff is sure to captivate you with his charming outlook on life and dedicated perseverance.
Whale Watching in the Scottish Highlands Our old friend Eugene decided on a whim one day that he was going to take an extended vacation to Scotland. He has family out there and thought it might be a good time to take a break. After missing an appointment with attorneys at the Nye Law Group, a client who could have been a game-changer for Granoff, he was feeling deeply depressed about where his consulting firm was headed and if he had really chosen the right career, considering his bad luck. With that in mind, it was an excellent opportunity to take charge of his life and that was going to start by going back to his Scottish roots.
The Black Isle Eugene’s aunt lives on the coast of the Black Isle, a beautiful, mountainous area that is something out of a movie, it’s that breathtaking. He told himself he would be in Scotland for just one week, so he wanted to get the most out of this experience. He spent most days hiking in the mountains and painting the landscape surrounding them, and Eugene started to feel at peace.
He was starting to think that maybe he needed to relocate to find the success and happiness he had been searching for, and Scotland could be the right place for him. He’d just have to go back to the states to pack up his apartment and pick up Cookie, his Bernese mountain dog, who he knew would love the great outdoors as much as Eugene did.
Creatures in the Water
But at this point in his life, Eugene knew he was known for making irresponsible, spontaneous decisions, and with a choice like this, he really wanted to be sure he was making the right one. His cousin Calum recommended they head out to the highlands to do some whale and dolphin watching while Eugene considered his options. With the open water surrounding them, he felt a sense of calm come over him. When Calum yelled for Eugene to “Look!” he expected to see an enormous whale tail splashing the water. Instead, Eugene was stunned when what could only be described as a half-dinosaur, half platypus creature came up out of the water and spouted water right into Eugene’s face! He was stunned. The creature then continued to circle the boat and drench Eugene with a mouthful of water. He assumed it was just some type of whale he had never seen before, but Calum later explained that this was Nessie, the loch ness monster, whose favorite color happens to be purple. The same color purple, in fact, of the hat Eugene was wearing when he went fishing. Apparently Nessie had taken a liking to Eugene and was attempting to play.
Eugene thought to himself, as he packed his bags to return home. He wondered why he always had such interesting encounters, but began to think that maybe he needed to think of them as adventures rather than misfortunes.
National Whitewater Center Debacle
Whenever Eugene Granoff has to travel for his work as a consultant, he always tries to find something to do in the area he is visiting. Unfortunately, it seems like any time Eugene tries to do anything out of the ordinary, he winds up in some sort of trouble, and of course, his trip to North Carolina would turn out to be no different.
Granoff had plans to meet with a Charlotte personal injury lawyer over dinner one Friday night, and figured while he was in the area, he would spend the day doing something exciting. Eugene is a bit of an adrenaline junkie, and he is always interested in trying new things. He quickly discovered the National Whitewater Center, which is known for is whitewater rafting, ziplines, and biking trails.
Eugene knew he didn’t have enough time in the day to do it all, so he figured he would at least do some biking. An avid hiker and overall health conscious person, Granoff has always been passionate about spending time in the great outdoors. He purchased his day pass to the Center and got on his mountain bike. Always a curious guy, Eugene knew he should stay on the biking trails so he wouldn’t get lost, but he just couldn’t resist the urge to follow the sound of rushing water. Also passionate about photography, Eugene thought he could get some excellent photos of the Catawba River while on his bike.
As he traveled off the beaten path and towards the river, his bike pedals became entangled in some vine, and suddenly threw Eugene from his mountain bike. As he flew through the air, he was catapulted off of the ridge overlooking the river. Granoff passed out during the fall and when he awoke, he was on the side of the river soaking wet. Eugene tried to gather his bearings and figure out what happened when staff from the Center came running. It turns out that a friendly Bobcat, who the staff named Will Feral, came running to staff members and directed them towards Eugene before heading back into the forest. Without the help of Will Feral, Eugene might have developed hypothermia as the sun went down. He was transported by helicopter to the local hospital to be checked out physically after his accident, and, of course, was unable to make his consulting appointment.
Lost on Mount Olympus On the last weekend before labor day, Eugene Granoff planned to enjoy the great outdoors one final time before he really focused on building up his small, corporate consulting firm. Eugene is an avid hiker and was visiting his mother in Utah, who works as a SLC personal injury lawyer, when he decided to head out to Mount Olympus on Saturday afternoon. Little did he know, the trails he had visited as a child were far different than he remembered.
One Wrong Turn at Pete’s Rock
Pete’s Rock is a bouldering area where hikers can climb, and Eugene knew it well from his younger years when he was far more adventurous. When he passed the trailhead and made a left-hand turn, he made a serious mistake, as heading left brought him further into the hiking trails and into a more wooded area, while heading right would have brought him back out to where his car was parked.
An Encounter with Bigfoot Eugene continued to hike at first, oblivious to the fact that he had taken a turn in the wrong direction. Once the sun began to set, Eugene realized he had been going in the wrong direction all along. By now, the trails had become less clear, and Eugene found himself in the middle of the woods unsure of which way to go. All of his training told him to stay put so he would be easier to find if he needed rescuing, but Eugene grew up on these trails and figured he had it covered. He turned back the way he thought he came, which was actually even further into the forest. When night fell, he decided to make a small camp and shelter so he would be able to rest up for a couple of hours until the sun came back up. While he was gathering firewood, Eugene began to hear some rustling of the leaves behind him and became very afraid. What if there were wolves or coyotes or even a mountain lion out there?! Unfortunately, Eugene’s predicament was much worse, as he was being stalked by a more fearsome creature… Bigfoot. Now, many people are under the impression that bigfoot doesn’t exist, but Eugene tells a different story. When Bigfoot came up behind Eugene, he turned around and couldn’t help but scream—and when Eugene screams, he sounds like a whoopie cushion after swallowing one as a child. Bigfoot has a sense of humor and couldn’t help but laugh hysterically when Eugene screamed. The giant’s hysteria gave Eugene pause long enough to also begin to laugh and the two sat down and enjoyed s’mores together after building a fire—you didn’t think Bigfoot was an unsocialized, feral animal did you?
A Rescue to Remember Bigfoot and Eugene spent the night in Eugene’s makeshift shelter and in the morning, after enjoying some left over trail mix, Bigfoot helped Eugene make his way out of the woods and back onto the hiking trail so he could get back home after getting lost on Mount Olympus. Every year since, Eugene gets a postcard with a beautiful Utah mountain scene. It’s never signed, but Eugene has a feeling it’s Bigfoot, keeping in touch.
The Yorktown Poltergeist You may or may not know that Eugene is a big fan of Halloween. Not just Halloween itself, but he loves horror movies, haunted houses, and everything that comes with the excitement of being scared. Every chance he gets he goes on haunted house tours and is obsessed with television shows discussing hauntings and ghosts. Eugene isn’t just a superfan, though. He also considers himself to be quite the expert on historical haunt spots and famous murders. So, when he had the opportunity to meet with a Texas personal injury and criminal defense law firm he had been hoping to take on as a client, he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to visit one of Texas’ most haunted buildings: The Yorktown Memorial Hospital.
History of Yorktown Memorial Hospital The Felician Sisters of the Roman Catholic Church built and operated Yorktown Memorial Hospital in the 1950s, but it was eventually shut down in 1986 by the state when the staff were unable to keep the patients in order after it had been turned into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. It is estimated that in the almost forty years it was open, more than 2,000 people died there. It has become a hot spot of paranormal activity; even the abandoned building caretaker claims to have experienced countless instances of apparitions and other ghostly encounters. Eugene was hoping to experience some paranormal activity of his own on this trip, but since Yorktown is four hours away from his consultation, he knew he wanted to do his haunted house tour the night before his meeting—that way he would actually be on time! But, as we all know, Granoff is not known for his punctuality.
Granoff’s Haunted Tour His haunted tour of the Yorktown Memorial Hospital was set to begin at 8:00pm and last for two hours. The tour started off spooky enough, as the tour guides brought the group through the nurses station and old patient rooms. But, there was no actual sign of any ghosts, and Eugene was really anxious to encounter a spirit.
As the group made their way through the psychiatric ward, Granoff heard the scuffle of feet down the corridor next to him. Rather than do the logical thing and ignore it, Eugene decided to investigate. Without even a flashlight to guide him, he made his way down the corridor and was shocked when the door at the end suddenly slammed shut. Now he was terrified, and decided that maybe it was time to head back to the group, but the ghosts in his presence had other things in mind. As he made his way down hallway after hallway in search of his tour group, one particular poltergeist had taken an interest in Granoff and decided it was time to show him some real paranormal activity! Now, in most haunted houses, reported paranormal activity is often sinister or violent, but the Yorktown poltergeist is something more. The poltergeist drove Granoff to the area he haunts most, the children’s ward, by slamming doors and making lights flicker, he wanted Eugene to know he wasn’t trying to scare him, he only wanted someone to play with. When Granoff finally was in the room the ghost had stayed in when he was living, the poltergeist started a tickle fight with Eugene. He tickled him over and over until Eugene was bursting with laughter. That was when Granoff realized that he had an encounter with a child’s ghost, and that not all ghosts are out to scare the living. Granoff was sad to have to leave his new ghost friend, but he had an important meeting the next morning that—no surprise— he was now going to be late for.
Honky-Tonks at Grand Ole Opry As a traveling corporate consultant, Eugene is always traveling for work. He was especially excited for his upcoming trip to meet with a personal injury attorney in Nashville because he knew he would have plenty of time to see the sights of the city and enjoy some delicious southern food. However, with Eugene, nothing ever goes as planned, and his trip to Tennessee was going to be no different.
Travelling to Nashville
Granoff knew that he had a bad habit of always missing or being late to his appointments, and for this reason, he made sure to get up five hours before he had to leave for his 7 a.m. flight out of LaGuardia. Ready to finally get his business on the right track, Eugene made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. He checked his bags and sat down to wait to board his flight. He was so proud of himself—he didn’t even close his eyes to nap once, even though he had been up since 2 a.m. Unfortunately, bad luck seems to follow Eugene everywhere, because even though he had done everything right, he was once again delayed. But this time, it was due to the fact that an elderly woman was detained going through the body scanner. Turns out, she was attempting to smuggle Tanzania’s rarest monkey, the kipunji, into the country underneath her blouse. When the TSA employees attempted to detain Bubbles, as the old lady adoringly named him, he ran straight for Eugene. He spent the next hour trying to coax the monkey down from the top of his head. Sadly, Eugene missed his flight to Nashville and had to catch one for the following morning.
Always a Country Music Lover Thankfully, Eugene did eventually make it into Nashville, despite having to push back his consultation. As an avid country music lover, Eugene felt he needed a break after the rough airport experience and what better place to unwind than Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry?! He took in a pre-show meal at the Opryland Hotel where he was staying, saw Dolly Parton perform, and closed out the night with cocktails and live country music performances at The Nashville Palace.