48
|
lifestyle & arts
THe North shore weekend
Love & marriage Waking up with the goal of being a better spouse
■ by
joanna brown
I’ve been collecting advice on how to be a good spouse over the last few weeks and one item, from Jeff in Wilmette, stood out from the rest. A 20-year husband, Jeff acknowledges working on his marriage every day. He writes: “This was something that no one ever told us but became obvious over time. When I wake up every morning I ask myself how can I be a better spouse (and a better parent, as we have children); and you try to live that every day. You will fail at times, but you just keep doing it. Nothing smooths over rough patches and enhances good ones better than trying to be a better spouse each and every day. “When you are ready to try that every
day, then you are ready to be married. Otherwise you are not.” Jeff’s advice seemed to speak directly to a query I’d heard from a colleague not long before: “No one ever prepares you for the strains of a marriage. It’s not like dating, where you just break up with someone and move on to the next person. And who in their 20s can imagine what it’s like to raise kids and try to maintain any romance with your spouse? Should there be some sort of course people take before getting married, explaining what to expect?” My husband and I endured a couple of pre-marriage counseling sessions before our big day, as mandated by the church at which we would be married. Volunteer couples from the community — veterans of marriage — led sessions on everything
from praying together to family planning. Recent calls to Saints Faith, Hope and Charity Church in Wilmette and Immaculate Conception Church in Highland Park both pointed me toward those seminars, still being offered by the Archdiocese of Chicago. The website explained that “through short talks, sharing of the facilitators’ own experiences of their marriages and faith growth, group exercises and personal reflection, engaged couples are guided through topics useful for a successful future marriage.” Topics include the changing nature of marriage, effective communication, conflict management, intimacy and sexual expression, financial planning, the extended family and where to find counseling for marriage. Separate sessions are designed for brides and grooms who have been married before or have children. I don’t know if this structured seminar could satisfy my disillusioned colleague, but it’s a good start. My pre-marriage counsel-
04/06 – 04/07/13
the efforts I’m making in my own marriage. And then, I thought about my New Year’s Resolution. I’ll explain. I hate New Year’s resolutions and work every December not to get swept up in the fantasy of radical change. Waiting a year to feel badly about abandoned fitness goals or financial failures just isn’t for me. Instead, I’ve committed to doing one thing every day to improve the condition of my home. It can be as small as carrying the clean clothes up from the laundry room or wiping all the crumbs out of the toaster oven; one night this week I hung a piece of art I’d purchased for the kitchen a month prior. But every night I go to bed knowing that I’ve left something a little bit better off than it was the night before. That means that every day I celebrate a small victory – or start fresh after a minor failure. I can’t put anything off for too long because I face a deadline every day. I’m left to wonder if I could follow Jeff’s
“When you are ready to try that every day, then you are ready to be married. Otherwise you are not.” ing also included an inventory of expectations regarding things like who would be responsible for managing the checkbook and vacuuming. It wasn’t sexy or romantic, but it got us talking about things we otherwise wouldn’t have. We probably avoided a few fights, too. Nevertheless, it’s Jeff’s most recent advice that stays with me. I considered
lead and apply my methods for housekeeping to my marriage (and parenting). Will this be my next non-resolution? Is that the secret to a lasting marriage, like the one Jeff enjoys? ■ L ove & Marriage c o l u mn i s t Joanna Brown can be reached at Joanna@northshoreweekend.com
JUST REDUCED...
133 LAUREL AVENUE, HIGHLAND PARK
$2,295,000
A vintage landmark home built in 1896. Extraordinary restoration and expansion of this local landmark home completed in 2006 by noted architect Marvin Herman. Exquisite vintage architectural detail blends seamlessly with every desirable 2013 amenity. All this steps from the lake on one of Highland Park’s prettiest streets. Magnificent
landscaping
with
perennial
garden, patio, and
eat-in kitchen, luxurious master suite. 3 Car garage with lift for 4th.
CONTACT JANICE TODAY FOR A PRIVATE SHOWING
JANICE GOLDBLATT MOBILE 847.809.8096 OFFICE 847.432.0700 janice@janicegoldblatt.com | JANICEGOLDBLATT.COM
deck. Gourmet