April Fools Edition 2012

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SPORTS Campus in uproar after Bball loss 81

#OCCUPYSHAPIRO

FORUM Brandeis students set the world on fire 27 Providing

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Justice www.brandeisnews.org

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Gotta catch ’em all!

AQUATICS

A NEW HOME

Linsey Pool will close permanently ■ A temperature malfunction

has rendered the new facility unfit for use. The cause is yet to be determined; investigations are underway.

By Butterfree Buechler COCOON EDITOR

The pool in the Joseph M. Linsey Sports Center will be closed permanently beginning this Friday, according to an email sent to the Justice from University President Frederick Lawrence last Wednesday.

According to the email, Lawrence’s decision to close the pool is “final” and was prompted by an “intolerable incident” that occurred there yesterday morning.

“After chatting with a group of admiring students, I went into the pool for my morning dip, but the water was slightly too chilly for my taste, so I decided, you know, screw this,” wrote Lawrence.

The pool was reopened with a bar mitzvah-themed swim party this January after $3.5 million in renova-

Faridabad, India

tions ended its three dry years of disrepair. Students are already expressing their anger about Lawrence’s decision.

At least 17 students had posted disconcerted Facebook statuses by press time, including swim team member David Fei ’12, who wrote, “Pool closed. Again. #drowninginmisery.”

Mike Kotch, the current coach of the swimming team, expressed his disappointment with the latest pool closure.

“It’s just, well, I don’t know,” said a sad and reflective Kotch in an interview with the Justice. “I mean, what do I do next?” he added, before sighing and looking contemplatively at a photo of himself at the ribbon-cutting ceremony held earlier this year.

In a follow-up interview with Justice, Lawrence downplayed the negative reactions from students.

“This reaction is exactly why I love Brandeis so much, why I feel so at home here. People care, they really do. And it doesn’t matter anyhow. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m

See POOL, 3 ☛ VLAD BOTCHKAREV JR./Nan's friend

uNION

Skip, Abstain announce candidacy for president ■ Two students, with last

names that will prove quite confusing, plan to run for Student Union President.

By Kadabra Kraus I CAN READ YOUR MIND

As elections for next year’s Student Union near, two students, Jason Abstain ’14 and Will Skip ’13, have announced their candidacies for the position of Union President, according to an email to the Justice from Student Union Secretary Todd Kirkland ’13.

Abstain told the Justice that he had not been interested in running for any Union positions until he received some of Kirkland’s emails earlier this year.

“I looked at some of the preliminary polling results and saw that, somehow, I have a really good fol-

lowing already.”

When Abstain was informed that the “preliminary polling results” were actually results from the three previous Union election cycles, he replied, “Whatever, I’m not sure what exactly you’re talking about.

I don’t really care about these elections, but if you look at those emails it’s pretty clear that ‘Abstain’ wins pretty much everything, so, yeah.”

Skip suggested that his line of reasoning was similar to Abstain’s in a separate interview with the Justice.

He said, “They made this whole big deal about adding ‘skip’ to the ballot last semester and it seemed to go pretty well. I assume nobody is actually looking at the voting anyway, so they might click my name by accident. I think I have at least a 50/50 chance of taking this thing.”

Abstain and Skip’s candidacies come after a year in which the

See ELECTIONS, 3 ☛

GOIN’ EAST: Brandeis students will soon be able to enjoy frequent trips to the Taj Mahal and a ridiculously low exchange rate.

Campus to move to India ■ Waltham will no longer be

home to Brandeis University.

The campus will relocate to a remote location in India.

By Caterpie Cooper METAMORPHOSIS EXPERT

Brandeis students will soon have to say farewell to Waltham.

In a move that caught many in the community by surprise, University President Frederick Lawrence announced on Friday that the campus will be moving to Faridabad, India.

Mr. Lawrence informed administrators, faculty and students of the upcoming plans in a brief email.

“After my recent trip to India, I found myself quite enamored with their culture. Every one there was really hospitable and, to be honest, much better looking than anyone here. In keeping with Brandeis’ deep commitment to globalization, I have made the

thing on my mind.”

Tuition will undoubtedly rise substantially.

A web of complicated Indian bureaucracy and regulations will leave all of the current students who don’t carry an Indian passport as “foreigners,” and thus barred from receiving any financial aid.

In his email to the community, Lawrence provided a link to the Wikipedia page for Brandeis’ new home.

Faridabad, India, the site of the new campus, has a population of just over one million. The city is located in the state of Haryana, in the north of the country. According to the state’s Wikipedia page, “About 70 percent of residents are engaged in agriculture.

Wheat and rice are the major crops.”

What promises to concern more students, however, is the drinking age in Faridabad: 25.

International Club President Andrea Verdeja ’14 expressed great con-

See INDIA, 3 ☛

North Korean grooves

Torah team on a roll

Rosen resigns

The newly chartered Brandeis North Korean Student Association held its first event: North Korean Club Night.

 The Club Torah-reading team wins three meets against Yeshiva University, New York University and Waltham Hebrew School.

 In a 12-part email series, Herbie explains why he believes that he can no longer serve his constituents.

FEATURES 5 For a good time, call 502-836-6023.

decision to relocate by 2015.”

The email had a subject line that read “Going East!”

In an interview with the Justice, Senior Vice President for Administration Mark Collins said, “I had no idea this was coming. What the hell?”

Waltham has been home to Brandeis’ campus since 1948, when the University was founded.

Collins told the Justice that future plans for the current campus are unclear.

A wide range of rumors have emerged, including a deal signed with Hannaford Supermarket to purchase the campus, as well as a possible transfer of property to the Massachussetts Department of Corrections.

An anonymous source told the Justice that a wealthy philanthropist hoping to establish Waltham’s first zoo is very interested.

Collins was unwilling to confirm or deny any of the rumors, saying, “Listen, there’s a lot of other shit to be dealing with right now. That’s the last

Let your voice be ignored!

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sUNDAY, april 1, 2012

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NEWS BRIEFS

Univ switches to organic water

Following calls by students to introduce organic and locally grown options into the University dining services, Aramark has announced that it will bring organic water to Sherman Dining Hall and Usdan Student Center.

In a campuswide email, Director of Dining Services Aaron Bennos explained that Aramark will be partnering with two nearby farms, Poland Springs Farm and Aquafina Pasture, to bring students untainted and environmentally friendly water.

“We are really excited about this development,” wrote Bennos. “We want students to know that we hear their concerns and are addressing them as best we can. We are also glad to be doing our part to save the environment.

Hopefully it will make up for the fact that that we dump the leftovers from Sherman into Massell Pond every day.”

Senator for the Class of 2014 Ricky Rosen, head of the Senate’s Ad-Hoc Dining Committee, hailed the introduction of organic water as a victory for those students who are working to improve of campus dining services.

“Clearly, the voices of students are being heard and having an impact on Aramark. We told them we wanted organic options, and they answered with organic water,” he said in an interview with the Justice.

Rosen also outlined his next project: cage-free bagels at Einstein’s Bros. Bagels.

“In the normal bagel-making process, they just stuff the bagels into a boiler, pack them in like sardines. It’s terrible,” he said. “I’ve seen documentaries that explain the whole process, and it’s truly horrifying to watch; they’re scalded to death.”

Rosen continued that he would be starting a fundraising club on campus called “Students Help Make EAting Right,” or SHMEAR. The Justice is currently investigating claims that the new organic water is actually just bottled tap water. Bennos would not respond to questions on this issue, but he did give the Justice reporter a conspiratorial wink.

Poland Springs Farm responded to Justice inquiries: “Try our new eight-ounce Minis-To-Go bottle!”

—Mr. Mime Mintz

POLICE LOG Medical Emergency

April 1—A student in Rosenthal Quad reported that her friend was intoxicated. University Police responded that BEMCo was out of service for the night and wished the student better luck next time.

April 1—After receiving numerous calls concerning students suffering from blurred vision, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, headaches, lethargy and out-of-body experiences, BEMCo searched WebMD with the symptoms to determine the cause. After ruling out the number-one result (a deadly tumor), BEMCo came to the conclusion that a large group of students had suddenly obtained large amounts of cold medicine. The investigation into the drug misuse led the police to the Health Center, where the officers found a group of students dumpster diving for newly expired drugs so they could “get a fix.” When questioned about the addicted students, the nurses replied, “Just give them ibuprofen, it solves everything.” The officers took the nurses into questioning under suspicion of abetting students’ addiction.

Larceny

April 1—Officers on duty reported that the

statue of Louis Brandeis typically located near the Shapiro Campus Center was conspicuously absent. It was found three days later in the shack near East Quad with the late Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)” playing quietly. Officers took pity on the statue and joined it for an emotional dance to “I Will Always Love You” before returning Louis to his hill.

Miscellaneous

April 1—University Police received a hysterical phone call from a student in Hassenfeld Residence Hall and only comprehended the words “send help” and “indestructible.”

Upon their arrival at the student’s room, the officers found two girls standing on top of their beds and panicking. Locating the source of the girls’ distress, the officers quickly climbed on top of the desks in the room and called for backup from the Waltham Police Department. The Waltham officers came to the room and detained the intruder: the East Bug. April 1—University Police received a call from a student in the Sherman Dining Hall reporting a misuse of kosher plates and uten-

Bylaws set on fire

Humanities students across the University have joined together to protest the existence of mathematics in higher education. Spurred by a particularly hard midterm in “Introduction to Economics,” which is taken by many humanities students trying to fill their quantitative reasoning requirement, these students are trying to eradicate the field and those who support it.

The students gathered on the Great Lawn and waved signs saying “Derive my ass!” and chanting things like “We are the 99 percent! At least we think so! We’re not very good at math!”

“Why do I need to know anything about math or numbers? I’m going to spend my life shining on the stage,” said naïve Theater major Leah Finkelstein ’15.

Finkelstein, an aspiring actress, went on to say, “The study of math is inconsistent with our university’s values. Louis Brandeis would be ashamed of us.”

“Protest? Nah, man, I’m just here to smoke weed,” said disheveled and disoriented Creative Writing major Steve Ross ’13. When asked about his opinion on math in higher education, Ross said, “You mean like numbers and shit? Word.”

Chair of the Mathematics Department Prof. Ira Gessel could not be reached for comment because he was too busy scrawling formulas on a blackboard and muttering to himself.

—Mr. Mime Mintz

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS n A first-year hall in Massell Quad is pregnant. The associate editors regret the error. n Due to making shit up, the Justice retracts the entirety of Volume FML, Number 14109722 (April 1, 2011). The issue contained quotations that were definitely never uttered by anyone with a brain, information attributed to the always-maybe-not-so-reliable Jehuda Reinharz, and wildly unfathomably unoriginal work. These errors have been addressed through personnel changes. Don’t try any funny business again. Or we’ll just retract you, too.

Newspapers, and people make mistakes. We recognize ours, apologize for them and look forward to continually earning the respect of the community that we serve. Actually, fuck that. We’re always right. Suck it.

Justice

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Here’s our email addresses and stuff. If you email us, it better be good. Don’t send us stupid shit. We don’t want to waste our time. Seriously, if you try wasting our time we will hunt you down and make your life miserable.

Basically, think before you send us anything. You don’t want to mess with the Justice.

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The Justice Brandeis University Please don’t send us mail Who uses the Post Office?

Just email, it’s easier.

Phone: (781) 736-3750 Call us, maybe ;-)

—Assembled by Tauros Temkin

SENATE LOG

Students protest study of math

n An article in News incorrectly attributed a quote from Ricky Rosen ’14 to Herbie Rosen ’12 and a separate quote from Joey Rosen ’14 to Rosie Rosen ’13.

sils; the newly formed Kosher Police unit was deployed to remedy the situation.

April 1—University Police received a call reporting that the new mascot, an eerily accurate imitation of Justice Louis Brandeis, had started making inappropriate gestures with his extra-large gavel at a men’s basketball game. The mascot was apprehended after a brief tussle.

April 1—A visiting student and his parents called University Police to report a scene reminiscent of “armageddon” in the Provisions on Demand Market. Upon their arrival, the officers reprimanded the visitors for overreacting: “This is how Sunday night looks. On Sundays we dine in Hell.”

April 1—A student reported that members of the KGB were wandering around campus, apparently on a scavenger hunt. University Police and Federal Bureau of Investigation officers responded. After a lengthy investigation, University Police determined that the individuals were actually members of the Kappa Beta Gamma sorority, commonly known as KBG.

KADABRA KRELL/Stalker Press

Scouting for housing Jane Butchberg ’15 climbs a tree in the Mandel Academic Quad, hoping to find a suitable living arrangement for the 2012-13 academic year. We wish her the best of luck in her quest. We hear trees can be quite nice, especially in the autumn. It’s also a short commute to class, which is always a bonus.

This week’s Student Union Senate meeting turned into an all-out brawl following weeks of increased tension between senators.

Union President Herbie Rosen ’12 announced that he has formed a committee aimed at shortening the Union’s governing documents. He plans to add a clause requiring the president to send daily emails regarding theater events to students but remove the bylaws for both the Senate and Union Judiciary entirely.

In attempting to charter 20 clubs, the Senators realized that they miscounted the votes and therefore had to revoke the charter of 15 of the 20 clubs.

One senator pointed out that he did not “think five is two-thirds of 20.”

The Senate then debated an emergency Senate Money Resolution to allocate $25 toward the purchase of calculators. The SMR was passed after a friendly amendment added $5,000 so that one senator could enroll in a Brandeis summer course.

Before the end of the meeting, however, the Senate debated Rosen’s suggestion of eliminating the Senate bylaws outright. Senator Ben Beutel ’12 abruptly stood up after Executive Senator Missy Skolnik ’12 and Senator Shekeyla Caldwell ’14 set the Senate bylaws ablaze (an idea inspired by the bra-burning exhibition outside the Shapiro Campus Center).

Beutel then stole the gavel and dissolved the Union Senate. Unsure if this was allowed according to the bylaws, the senators decided to play a series of rock-paper-scissors to determine the fate of the institution.

The tournament was tabled until next week after Rosen entered the room and declared that Union Treasurer Dan Lee ’12 had gone missing.

The Senate then passed an emergency SMR creating an ad-hoc search committee.

Senator Ricky Rosen ’14 was not present at the meeting because he was conducting surveys and meeting with Aramark to extend hours at Einstein Bros. Bagels. Senators voiced disappointment that Ricky was not present.

—Wigglytuff Wingens

Village residents to undergo daily fire drills

By Kabutops Krell Naked Editor

In response to a recent increase in fire alarms going off in the Village Quad, Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan has instituted daily fire drills in the village. “I can’t understand why they have so much trouble using a microwave,” he said in an interview with the Justice.

According to Callahan, the new policy is part of an initiative instituted by Public Safety to “increase campus awareness about proper microwave usage and make our campus safer.”

Callahan told the Justice that the daily drill idea was inspired by his work in the Massachusetts Department of Corrections prior to his position at Brandeis.

“We used to sound an alarm and make all of our prisoners line up at various points during the day. I figured, why not try it out with students? A little discipline never hurt

anyone.”

Reactions to the new policy have been positive among midyear students, who comprise around half of the Village residents.

Josh Weinbergstein ’15 said, “I’m just glad someone is paying attention to us. First a senator position and now this. We are excited for what will come next.”

Opinions from upperclassmen, however, are more mixed.

A number of students have protested the new policy by initiating a “marijuana marathon.” A Facebook event describes the protest as “a way to show Public Safety how little we care about our smoke alarms. Let’s cover up and smoke up!”

Numerous students have complained to community advisors about the recent drills, but to no avail. According to one witness, CAs have reacted to the fire alarms by entering their quad office with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and locking the door from the inside.

Senior Director of Community Living Jeremy Leiferman declined to comment on the situation but in general said that, unless students have a good housing lottery number, he cannot help them with anything at all.

One unexpected outcome of the drills has been large masses of students also exiting buildings in Ridgewood and Ziv Quads.

Public Safety reported that this was due to confusion over which building alarms were going off.

Although the fire drills have become a daily occurrence, they are performed at random times in order to keep students on their toes. The Health Center told the Justice that numerous residents have reported physical exhaustion from the repeated drills.

Several 5 a.m. drills resulted in near altercations between students and officers. When asked about the close calls, one midyear student responded, “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Why would a Brandeis student hit a cop?”

THE JUSTICE

CONTINUED FROM 1 cern about the drinking age. “Yeah, we love international-ness, but not THAT much. How will we have Pachanga? Or Rhumba? This is seriously messed up.”

Student Union President Herbie Rosen ’12 said, “College is supposed to challenge us. … I have faith that our student body will respond to this sudden change with flying colors. Basically, I stand behind Fred 100 percent.”

Student Union Treasurer Dan Lee ’12 expressed concern over currency conversion. He said, “We anticipate being able to provide much more funding to clubs and organizations.

Stuff in India is, like, super dirt-cheap.

It will just mean a lot more math for us. I’m not sure if we have the ability for all of this multiplication.”

Faribadad, India uses the Indian Rupee, which currently trades at one U.S. dollar to 50 rupees.

SHAREALIKE 2.0 GENERIC/Flickr Creative Commons

NOT SO CAGE FREE: This turkey knows everything about you and your future. No but seriously, check out that soul-searching eye.

DCL turkey breaks out of pen; all hell breaks loose your lottery number with the help of a turkey. Typical.

By SQUIRTLE SCHAFFEL I don't even go here

One of the infamous “Room Selection Turkeys” has broken free of the selection pen and caused the lottery number assignment process to be delayed until further notice.

The turkey, specifically trained to fairly distribute housing lottery numbers each and every year without fail, finally got fed up with the bureaucracies of the system and fled its post earlier this evening.

Due to the very limited amount of on-campus housing, there is only enough room for a small number of students. These students are chosen through the housing “lottery” which in fact is an in-depth selection process.

Though not well known on campus, the specially elected Commit-

tee of Selection Turkeys roams across the campus throughout the fall and start of spring semesters, deeming those who are truly deserving of the best lottery numbers in the upcoming selection.

The criteria by which the turkeys judge is very broad, reaching across many different categories including: contribution to school, academic prowess, height, number of quality parties thrown, relative level of douchebaggery, and other important criteria, such as amount of times dining at Sherman Dining Hall and quality of teaching others how to Dougie.

Ponytails reportedly were a major drawback, instantly landing those students in the 2200s or above.

The covert Turkey committee is reportedly very Santa-esque, seeing you both when you are sleeping as well as when you are awake.

After carefully observing the students over the course of the year, the turkeys are gathered up and placed in the Selection Pen, where they are released and allowed to

Sunday, April 1, 2012

A3

INDIA: Drinking age will be 25

EYE OF THE TURKEY

■ Apparently, DCL chooses

●

run wild.

The pen is lined with students' names coated in corn, and the numbers are assigned in the order in which the turkeys peck a piece of corn off the name.

The renegade turkey, who goes only by his street name of “The Mad Slapper,” apparently grew frustrated by always having to be the bad guy.

He was overheard saying, “No matter how carefully we make our decision, someone always gets 2300.

And that person always hates us.

You can't imagine how much it hurts to hear someone saying how terrible the housing system is on campus. I put my life into this process, and it's just unappreciated. I'm done with this.”

The Department of Community Living was unavailable for comment; however, rumors are circulating that they are researching alternatives to housing selection, perhaps even involving a switch to some sort of reptilian-based selection committee.

Some student clubs immediately supported the decision.

The Brandeis Orthodox Organization released a statement which read, “The Sherman Dining Hall Kosher food really takes a toll on the Jewish community’s digestive tract. Anything will be an improvement for our stomachs—yes, even whatever crap they serve us in India.”

The Board of Trustees is expected to discuss the proposal at its upcoming meeting.

While a number of board members staunchly oppose the move, it is unlikely that the decision can be overturned. This is in large part due to a clause in the president’s contract that permits “relocation of the campus in times of great need.”

Trustee member Malcom Sherman told the Justice, “Um, yeah we kind of dropped the ball on that one. The relocation clause should never have made it into the final draft of Fred’s contract.”

POOL: Sorry guys, no pool for you CONTINUED FROM 1 pretty popular around here.”

What’s perhaps most surprising, according to Senior Vice President for Administration Mark Collins, is that there are currently “no technical problems with the pool facility. …

There’s absolutely nothing broken.”

Apparently, Lawrence just really likes his water warm. “If the temperature drops below a urine-like 96 degrees, he freaks out,” said Lawrence’s wife, Kathy Lawrence, in an interview with the Justice.

In January, Thelma Linsey, widow of Joseph, donated one million dollars toward the pool facility.

It remains to be seen what will be done with the money now that the pool is closed.

However, Dean of Admissions Mark Spencer told the Justice that Lawrence has been pushing recently to acquire a large stock of umbrellas with printed University logos for prospective students. “Fred has this thing for umbrellas. … It has to do with something about opening up possibilities, hell if I know. What in the world am I going to do with a million umbrellas?”

According to email correspondence obtained by the Justice, Director of Dining Services Aaron Bennos and Lawrence have discussed using the new funds for “24 million toothpicks and other assorted pieces of plastic cutlery.” Lawrence was un-

willing to comment about the potential investment.

Numerous items have been reported missing or stolen from the Linsey Pool facility since word broke on Wednesday that the pool was closed indefinitely.

Dean of Arts and Sciences Susan Birren was seen driving away with a trunk full of wet Styrofoam noodles on Saturday night.

She declined to comment on the situation in an interview with the Justice.

The Justice has confirmed that a large stock of chlorine has been stolen from the pool facility and was later found in the chemistry labs in the Carl J. Shapiro Science Center.

Prof. Milos Dolnik (CHEM), who teaches “General Chemistry Laboratory” every semester, expressed his elation in an interview with the Justice. “Um, I don’t know who stole it.

But we for sure have many uses for chlorine.”

On Monday, a diving board was stolen from the pool facility and later found smashed into President Lawrence’s car. Security recordings show a crazed Louis Brandeis mascot repeatedly banging the diving board against Lawrence’s windshield.

Brandeis Police detained the mascot, and an investigation is in process. Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan confirmed that a note was found at the scene of the crime that read, “You just got judged."

ELECTIONS: Students screw system Union has had a difficult time filling positions and has tweaked the voting mechanisms for its elections multiple times, and it is unclear as of press time whether the new system will be able to adapt to candidates who have the same name as the two buttons already on the elections website.

Kirkland deferred requests for comment to Student Union President Herbie Rosen ’12, saying, “I have no idea how this voting system works. Literally no idea.”

When the Justice asked Rosen how the candidates’ names would potentially affect the election’s outcome, Rosen began laughing hysterically and said, “This is fucked.”

When asked for further comment, Rosen elaborated that he is graduating, so the voting system is no longer his concern.

Skip concedes that he has no real platform, saying that his election strategy is instead to petition the Student Union Senate for the removal of the current “skip” option

on the ballot, reasoning that people who are trying to skip the vote will vote for him instead accidentally.

“

I have no idea how this ... system works.

Literally no idea.

TODD KIRKLAND ’13 “That skip option is probably unconstitutional anyway,” he said, eliciting glares from several members of the Union Senate who were idling nearby, “and I have a feeling that if I tell them that they’ll just take it off. Then everyone who is trying to skip the election so they can just vote for their friend’s roommate so he finally stops bugging them about it will vote for me instead.”

A study by the Justice suggests

that Skip’s reasoning is questionable, but that he still has a chance to win: A poll found that 36 percent of students who vote in Union elections vote accidentally when they are drunk and trying to go on Facebook and that 82 percent of students wish that Einstein Bros. Bagels, the Provisions on Demand Market and the Faculty Club were open 24 hours a day and all summer.

Abstain, who really doesn’t understand how the elections process works, insisted in an interview with the Justice that he already has a large following with students and that, if elected, his first act in office will be to abolish Student Union elections and end weekly announcement emails, insisting that “nobody wants to hear about any of these things.”

A preliminary poll by the Justice shows Abstain leading all candidates in the field, closely followed by “Why do you keep bothering me?

I’m just trying to get a bagel. Leave me alone.”

Raichu Riser-Kositsky/the Justice

PISSED OFF: Fred’s car got a major beating after he announced the pool's closure.

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Sunday, April 1, 2012

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THE JUSTICE

At last, BTV promises a fresh lineup of upcoming shows

By Tauros Temkin Super-Rare Editor

BTV, which has been largely absent from the lives of Brandesians since its conception, made an announcement last month that it would be making some changes to its programming.

Unfortunately, its news went unheard, as BTV made the crucial mistake of advertising the changes on its own cable channel.

After realizing their misstep, BTV members decided that simply shouting from the rooftops would be a more effective mode of communication.

Most students know channel 65 as the “University ceremonies channel,” but in the near future, it will become known as the “reality show rip-off channel” due to the new shows set to air within the month. These shows will include BTV versions of The Biggest Loser, Survivor, The Hunger Games and Ace of Cakes.

The Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser will pit the dorks and other social pariahs at Brandeis against each other in weekly cutthroat competitions to determine which group is the least able to function acceptably within a community.

Survivor

Survivor: Club Funding will feature two clubs battling it out in nearly impossible tasks while living in the basement of Shapiro Residence Hall and eating leftover scraps from Sherman Dining Hall in order to win the amount of funding they requested from the Finance Board.

The Housing Games

The Housing Games, a spin-off of The Hunger Games, will take students with the 24 lowest housing lottery numbers and force them into an all-holds-barred fight in an arena until all but one student gives up. The last contestant remaining will win an elusive six-person Ridgewood suite.

Ace of Bagels

Ace of Bagels will be a riveting show chronicling the daily trials of the student workers at Einstein Bros. Bagels. Viewers will watch as they artfully spread plain cream cheese onto a never-ending stream of honey whole-wheat bagels and root for the workers as they encounter obstacles during their shift, such as making a bagel with lox or remembering to double toast that cranky professor’s order.

So tune in to channel 65 in a few weeks and watch it transform into a conglomeration of shows you already don’t watch on TV. LAPRAS LINTON/the Justice

BATTLE: ‘Housing Games’ will pit students with the lowest lottery numbers in a fight to the near-death.

Studying the

“Jew Room” CATERPIE COOPER/the Justice

A quiet room in the Shapiro Campus Center has been invaded

By Kakuna Klein and Rattata Raser HeartGold and SoulSilver

Over the last two years, many students have begun to feel out of place upon entering the Carl J. Shapiro Library in the Shapiro Campus Center. This is because of a notable demographic shift in the room that is even attracting some scholarly attention. The “Jew room,” as it has lately been dubbed, is a quiet room in the SCC that is increasingly dominated by religious Jews.

What is the reason for this recent phenomenon? To tackle this question, Prof.

Leonard Saxe (Heller), Director of the Maurice and Marilyn Cohen Center for Modern Jewish Studies, a multi-disciplinary research center dedicated to bringing the concepts, theories and techniques of social science to bear on the study of contemporary Jewish life, formed a committee that investigated the reasons behind the room’s clearly defined demographics.

“We were interested in studying this topic because we’re hoping to replicate it,” said Saxe.

“If we could form strong Jewish communities like that all over the United States, fewer Jews would intermarry and our religion would be sure to live on.”

The study began with a standard “kippah count” research method. Each day, Saxe and his associates would survey the kippah to non-kippah ratio present in the room. The results were fascinating. From Monday through Thursday, between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m., 80 percent of male heads were covered with a kippah. Additionally, the study found that 90 percent of female knees were covered during that period.

Researchers also noted a sudden dropoff in the “kippah count” between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., a daily change they attributed to the prime dinner times at Sherman Dining Hall, where many of the Jews eat their kosher food.

In a second study, Aramark workers approached the students in the Jew room with a platter of free food. Upon the platter were two types of food: herring and plain toast. 87 percent of the student in the room chose the herring over the toast.

And from that group, 48 percent approached the Aramark workers before they left the room asking for seconds “for their friends.”

According the Saxe, it was also significant that 94 percent of male students who consumed the herring also inquired as to the availability of whiskey.

Perhaps most intriguingly, beginning late Friday afternoon, the Cohen Center team noted that the “kippah count” dropped to zero. This trend continued through Saturday night, when the count steadily rose until late Sunday morning when it returned to normal levels. Researchers attributed this drop in kippahs to the Jewish ritual of “Shabbat,” which is pronounced “shah (as in the leader of Iran before 1979) bot (as in ‘bat’ mitzvah).”

Researchers further noted that during the “Shabbat,” the usual Yeshivish of the Jew Room was replaced with a variety of Asian languages. The Jews’ more studious counterparts, the Asians, do not find excuses such as the weekend or Shabbat to abandon their study habits.

During the week, the Jews and Asians coexist harmoniously, with most Asians choosing to study above the Jew room rather than in it. However, there have been at least three reported clashes on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings as the Jews return to their usual stomping grounds and demand a right of return to their tables.

“It’s just not right; I observe the Sabbath all Saturday, and I really need to study Saturday night,” says Zach Breslaw ’15. Replied Hong Li ’12, “They never even study.

They just wander around the room socializing and discussing Jewish summer camp and next year’s Purim plans.”

Ultimately, researchers found several reasons for the popularity of the SCC library among the Jewish students. Most important was the room’s close proximity to Sherman Dining Hall, the Berlin Chapel, and the Beit Midrash in the basement of the Shapiro Residence Hall. According to the Cohen Center team, these locations constitute the “frum-fecta,” a trifecta of Jewish must-go-to places during the week.

Additionally, the Cohen Center team pointed out that an aerial view of Shapiro Campus Center closely resembles the shape of the state of Israel, where many of the Jews have spent a year drinking prior to attending Brandeis.

The results of the study are indeed exciting. “We’re trying to create more places like this on campus and elsewhere,” says Saxe. “We’ve established an ad-hoc committee tasked with drafting a report about Jew rooms, including suggestions for methods of their implementation around campus. This is all in an effort to create a more cohesive Jewish community here at Brandeis. We want this phenomenon to continue.”

THE JUSTICE

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sunday, april 1, 2012

a5

SNORLAX SPECTOR/the Justice

Students bare it all

at Liquid Latex

Without funds from F-Board, students forced to perform naked

By Farfetch’D Flatt Flying type

Liquid Latex is always a highly anticipated event on the Brandeis campus.

It is the opportunity for naturalists with fears of commitment to express themselves while hundreds of students gain the privilege to watch what Playboy Magazine ranked as the “Best College-Supported Art Project” in their 2010 “Top Party Schools” ranking. Imagine the body paint section of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition but with Brandeis students instead of Bar Refaeli.

This year, though, audience members were treated to a little more of a spectacle than usual. After the Finance Board controversially cut Liquid Latex’s budget to $150–which only covered the minimum amount required to book a

space on campus and one 12-ounce can of green paint–the executive board met and decided they would persevere.

For that reason, the show was named and themed “Saving Face, Baring All.” What students were exposed to for about 45 minutes before Public Safety broke it up was fully nude models with green liquid latex sparsely applied to each face.

The first act, titled: “In the Jungle” began with tribal music but quickly evolved into something the Baja Men would have expected to see on the Discovery Channel.

A sound that can only be described as shock and bemusement spread across the hundreds of students in attendance as Shayna Goldenberg ’13 pranced out onstage completely in the buff except for a faux lion’s mane.

Acting as if everything was normal, her partner Douglas Kop-

tovsky ’12 followed suit–or lack thereof–walking out with only two green lines painted onto his face.

While the program stated the act was supposed to be “a ‘Tarzanesque’ tale exploring the relationship between man and animal” it appeared to be more of a mishmash of body parts and overexcitement–with Koptovsky becoming noticeably aroused around halfway through the performance and running off stage.

The subsequent acts delivered more of the same–masks and green face paint, expertly executed lighting and enough nudity that the show should have instead been named “A Birthday Suit Bash.”

While about 40 percent of the audience left out of disgust early into the show, the subsequent members–now at a 9-1 male-tofemale ratio–were treated to an even bigger surprise about halfway through the debaucherous

performance.

Just as the annual fashion show segment began with Paula Thu ’12 posing at the top of the runway, Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan came busting through the doors to the Levin Ballroom with cuffs in hand. “This is an abhorrence of campus resources,” he yelled. “Everyone involved in this lewd and perverse spectacle is under arrest for indecent exposure and public nuisance.”

The show was officially halted as Callahan walked 80 scantily clad men and women to the office of public safety to be detained in what has infamously been named by students “The Orgy in Cell Block 2 (sponsored by SSIS).”

Liquid Latex President Franny Itsnur ’13 commented that she believes the arrests stemmed from frustration by Chief Callahan.

“This is the 12th year in a row he has attended the open rehearsals

and the 12th year no group drafted him as a part of the team.”

F-Board could not be reached for comment by the time of publication but it is presumed the cuts are a result of pressure from the new administration to raise Brandeis’ “Wholesomeness” rank on the 2013 US World & News Report.

Students in attendance, on the other hand, seemed to be overwhelmingly satisfied with the change of pace in the show this year.

“I just came for the boobs,” John Thurgood ’15 stated in an interview with the Justice after the show.

“I was told by upperclassmen that they normally have to squint to see them but this year they were clear as day. F-Board really does have our best interests at heart but, as always, Public Safety was a buzz kill.”

Random a cappella coffeehouse was awesome

By Butterfree Buechler Cocoon Editor

Last Tuesday, lots of students attended an a cappella group’s coffee house in the Ridgewood Commons.

It was that group’s first a cappella performance of the week, so many students were very excited to walk over and listen to them sing some of their a cappella songs that they had not heard sung by the group since the group sang them all at a different coffeehouse the week before.

It was a really good coffeehouse.

The main a cappella group sang many songs, like an adaptation of that oldies song that gets a lot of wedding playtime.

They really did an extra good job at singing that a cappella song.

They also sang other a cappella songs, including some soft-rock-ish song that you’d never heard of with a strong female vocal lead.

This was in addition to a totally unexciting version of some major pop song.

Except they sang the song really slowly so that you were thrown off a bit at first before realizing that one of the sopranos was way too into her harmony and was making this awkward winced face with each passing “ooh,” “jin” and “ah.”

There were other a cappella groups that also sang their a cappella songs at the coffeehouse.

One group said that it was Brandeis’ premier gay-sopranos-

from-Connecticut a cappella group.

They specialized in rhythmic adaptations of heavy metal hits from 1976 to 1983. It was very nice to listen to them sing their a cappella songs.

Another group said they were Brandeis’ premier social justice Jewish-Japanese group where everyone has a last name with five consonants.

They sang a song about love and they made interesting dance moves during their song. They were a big hit, I think.

A third a cappella group also performed at the coffeehouse. This group told the audience that it was Brandeis’ premier all-girls, percussion-sounds-only a cappella group.

They sang two songs that they told us were Disney songs that we would definitely recognize.

I did not recognize the songs, and it was very awkward being there while they sang their a cappella.

But they tried really hard and did a good job.

At the end of the coffeehouse one of the seniors sang her last solo and everyone watched the group hug each other for a good seven minutes. It was kind of awkward.

Then they all exchanged gifts, including a photo collage and a friendship candle, on stage. That was also awkward.

This was a really good a cappella coffeehouse.

SEADRA SMOOKLER/Fuck if we know where she is

WE LOVE WHEN YOU WATCH US SING: A cappella performances are really cool. The one the other day was super interesting.

A6

Sunday, April 1, 2012

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THE JUSTICE

Justice Justice

the the

Established 1949, Brandeis University

Brandeis University

Catchin’ ‘Em all since 19 49

Kadabra Kraus, Editor in Chief Rapidash Rahman, Managing Editor Blastoise N. Blumenthal, Production Editor Wigglytuff Wingens, Deputy Editor Abra Abramson, Bulbasaur Blady, Caterpie Cooper, Farfetch’d Flatt, Kakuna Klein, Kabutops Krell, Lickitung Lockyer, Rattata Raser, Snorlax Spector and Tauros Temkin, Associate Editors Dragonair Dejene and Mr. Mime Mintz, News Editors Hitmonchan Hacobian, Features Editor Horsea Hasan, Forum Editor Rhydon Rabinowitz, Sports Editor Koffing Kay and Starmie Salloway, Arts Editors Charizard Cheng and Lapras Linton, Photography Editors Pikachu Pang, Layout Editor Butterfree Buechler, Online Editor Raichu Riser-Kositsky, Copy Editor Weedle Wolkoff, Advertising Editor

New mascot makes us tremble This editorial board is terrified of the new Brandeis mascot. Initially, we were prepared to welcome nearly anything to replace that creepy fucking owl that has been running around our athletic events since the 1980s. However, the new mascot, Louie the Judge, is just the most fearsome and objectively off-putting figure we have ever seen.

Fortunately, none of us have seen Louie the Judge firsthand. In fact, we couldn’t find a single student who had.

But, we’ve seen the pictures, and they speak for themselves. With his squareshaped head and foam limbs, Louie appears to have mastered the robot walk.

Should he learn to run, students ought to fear for their safety. Louie’s indefatigable unibrow is both eerie and pitiful, adding to his overall repellent aura.

Before we saw Louie the Judge, we really were truly intent on commending the Athletics Department and Univer-

Louie the Judge is mad scary sity Administration for the shift away from Ollie the Owl, named after Oliver Wendell Holmes, a wingman of the real Louis Brandeis.

Ollie left many of our athletic opponents deeply confused. They thought that, because our mascot was an owl, our team was “the Owls,” which would be absurd because “the Owls” is a stupid fucking name for a team. This was an egregious scenario. Making our mascot a judge would clarify everything, including the fact that we are “the Judges,” a totally not weird name for a sports team.

But the tall and boxy white character that we’ve inherited causes us to lie awake some nights, fearful of the possibility of Louie emerging from the darkness by our windows. We hate him, more out of fear than anything else.

Party it up at Midnight Buffet The University administration and the Brandeis International Club announced this week that Pachanga will not be held again until Spring 2013. The party has been delayed because of logistical problems, part of an effort to hold Pachanga in a bigger venue with more security and less fun.

Pachanga is known on campus as a wild party, a time when students drink too much and use BEMCo to its limit.

Therefore, postponing Pachanga will limit students’ drinking and discourage drug use on a college campus that is already suffering from repression.

To remedy the problem, and promote the promiscuity that defines a liberal arts college, this editorial board encourages students to revamp their non-Pachanga drinking habits.

Pachanga should be replaced by a night of equal debauchery. The most obvious heir is the upcoming semesterly Midnight Buffet.

The buffet is an opportunity for students to gorge themselves and enjoy the

Continue dream of Pachanga variety of free food procured by the Student Union. Ostensibly, students are already in a deprived mental state when they descend on Levin Ballroom to satiate their munchies. It makes sense that this event, with low-lighting and loud music, would be turned into a Pachangalike clusterfuck.

Therefore, we urge members of the student body to really, really pregame the Midnight Buffet. Guys, the lighting and location are already going to be set.

And there will be loud music. If we drink enough beforehand, we won’t even know it’s not Pachanga.

This board therefore encourages the mingling of the minds and low-class that is the essence of Pachanga to be applied to the upcoming Midnight Buffet. It is critical that the community express its repressed instincts to attack police officers and drink alcohol even though Pachanga has been canceled. Midnight Buffet is the right time and the right place.

Hire more criminals This editorial board is disappointed that the University does not require criminal background checks before hiring faculty members. We must increase the number of criminals that we employ, and it is impossible to do this without weeding out the non-criminal when they apply. For the time being, here are several suggestions for criminal hires: Martha Stewart should be recruited as a member of the International Business School, teaching a course focusing on the importance of managing private life while also managing a large business enterprise.

Roman Polanski should be hired and given a tenured position within the Film Studies department.

Julian Assange should join our esteemed Computer Science department.

Furthermore, Mr. Assange should join

They will keep us on our toes Prof. Jerry Cohen (AMST) in teaching the course “Conspiracy Theory.”

The Philosophy Deparment would benefit from the potential academic in Michael Vick. Mr. Vick would also be a superb resource and guide for the International Center for Ethics, Justice and Public Life.

Students with majors in Politics would flock to any coursess talk by former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Mr. Blagojevich could also spearhead the new minor in hair cosmetology.

These hires may be controversial, but these criminal professionals have much to offer students here. What matters is that students have the chance to learn from the best: known criminals. And we must hire more of them.

WEEZING WEININGER/the Justice

I really really just love social justice and sex Arbok

AMLANKUSUM bIRDKEEPER

Late on a Friday night a few weeks ago I was in the middle of having some sex with my activist boyfriend.

We were in our usual late-night location—you know, those fantastic maroon couches in the middle of the Shapiro Campus Center Atrium.

Anywhoozles, we were both just about to have our peak social justicisms, if you know what I mean, when I noticed this freaking crazy thing on Facebook.

Like four or maybe even five of my friends were reposting this video thing and they were all like, “You gotta watch this shizz!” or “omg omg changed my life.” So I HAD to watch it. I pushed my boyfriend off to the side, ousting his surprisingly little “Occupy Me” protester and pushed play.

I don’t remember all the videos’ details, but I can give you the basic gist of it.

There is this white guy and he likes video cameras, and then there are all these African people, and then there is this cute little kid (he’s white), but there are also a lot of other kids from Africa (they’re black), and the cute little white kid speaks English but is really confused and all the African kids don’t really know English except for this one African kid that kind of speaks English and is really upset about something.

And the white guy says that all the African kids are invisible, but that’s really confusing because I could see them in the video.

But there’s also this Joe Kony guy who’s EVIL, like really evil, and he’s being super mean to all the African Kids, so we have to stop him and bring him to justice (BEFORE New Years Eve!!) by reposting the video on Facebook and sending money to that white guy and his cute, confused kid.

After watching the Facebook vid, me and my activist boyfriend went back to having our sex and such, but then my activist boyfriend started crying, like really crying, like more than even after he finishes. So I asked him if he was still upset that we had to watch that super long YouTube video, because it was sooo long that maybe he was feeling insecure about it its length (lolz). But he said that he was not upset because of the video’s self-righteously absurd duration but because he wanted to help all the invisible African people!

So we decided to have a naked-vigil style convo about what we could do to help out. But first we got high and engaged in some quick oral justice, if you know what I mean.

Anyhow, back to our naked convo.

So the really eager white guy in the video wanted us to give him money so that they could pay people to go find the Kony person.

But money is evil, so my activist boyfriend and I decided that we just could NOT compromise our values in helping. He also wanted us to come to put posters somewhere or something on a very specific date, but calendars totally reinforce heteronormativity, so there was no way we could do that.

Anyway, here is what we decided: We would go outside, strip down to our underwear and run around shouting about the Kony man while vandalizing people’s cars. It was the perfect plan; we KNEW Louis Brandeis would be proud. But then we realized that it was pretty chilly that night and, like, we didn’t want to be outside underwearprotesting.

But then it turned out that the white guy from the video had the same idea as us, except he got to it first. He even got taken in by the police for it! #jealous.

So now, even though it’s warmer, we can’t do our Kony naked yelling, running, hitting cars thing because it would be totally mainstream, and we just can’t compromise our social justice values, even for the invisible Africans or Kony or whoever we’re supposed to be doing something for.

My activist boyfriend looks like he’s about to cry. That usually means he wants some “Arab Springing,” if you know what I mean.

If you don’t know what I mean, I mean sex. So … peace out. Vive la Kony!!!

OP-BOX Quote of the Week “From the 80-year-old castle to state-of-the-art quads, Brandeis residence halls bring you all the comforts of home.”

—The new Brandeis

Admissions website, launched March 2012.

Brandeis Talks Back What’s your favorite place to hook up on campus?

Andrew Wingens ’14 “A threesome with the Louis Brandeis statue.”

Asher Krell ’13 “On a tightrope strung between two trees in Ridgewood Quad.”

Eitan Cooper ’13 “The beit midrash. But only when the time is right.”

Sloth ’14 “Hass 4.”

—Compiled by SSIS

THE JUSTICE

READER COMMENTARY Fix the damn letters To the Editor: I am the proud parent of what I am sure you would agree is the perfect Brandeis student. My daughter Rebecca is a mediocrelooking Jewess with curly brown hair and a commitment to social justice.

After attending Brandeis’ phenomenal high school program BIMA, deepening her Jewish commitment on USY pilgrimage and getting rejected from the University of Pennsylvania and Columbia and Harvard Universities, my daughter and I knew that Brandeis was the right school for her.

We headed up to campus a few weeks ago for a visit and a tour. When we arrived at admissions, we were informed that all the slightly awkward yet still socially presentable students who were skilled at walking backward were busy with other tours. So, my daughter and I decided to grab a map and tour the campus ourselves.

That is when things began to go awry.

Rebecca and I were a little peckish after the ride up, so we decided to look for the Sherman Dining Hall where we were told we could find the one dining hall in the country where kosher students and non-kosher students could sit on opposite sides of the dining hall separated by a waist-height wooden wall.

We headed in the direction the map pointed but only passed a building called the Sherman Student Centr. We thought that, perhaps, we were at the right place, and a letter was simply missing, but when we arrived at the front door we realized we were at the Herman Uden Center and that we must be lost.

Since we couldn’t seem to find a place to eat, we decided that we’d head up the hill for my daughter to sit in on Prof. Coiner’s “Introduction to Economics” class.

We were informed that the class was held in the Olin-Sang Civilization Center in the Mandel Academic Quad. But all we found was some building called the Civil Zat On Center. It’s been a long time since my bar mitzvah, but I figured that this must be some Hebrew word and we were at the Israel studies center.

I have to admit, Rebecca and I were getting a bit frustrated at this point. Your map wasn’t helping us in the least bit. We passed the Noth Residence Qudrngle, the Rppaport Trease Hal, and the Ma Hematics Building, but couldn’t seem to find any of the places for which we were looking. I told my daughter that it didn’t matter how Jewish, mediocre-looking or Ivy-League rejected she was. Any school that can’t make a useful map wasn’t worth our time or money.

I sincerely hop that the Brandes admison offce fxes ths prblm sn. Otherws, u wnt b getin my mny.

—Pissy Mother

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Sunday, April 1, 2012

Learn from Aramark’s ways Goldeen

Gallagher something fishy

Students have long complained about the quality of food on campus and how Aramark, the caterer of the University, shows little regard for students’ needs.

It is true that we have received our cage-free eggs and, with a bit of prodding, managed to get hours at the Provisions on Demand Market extended, but many fundamentals still remain unsatisfactory. The fact that Aramark has managed to remain our food provider for so long despite the complaints aimed at them suggests that we may have something to learn from them about business.

It would be extremely worthwhile for Aramark managers to teach a course in the Business program to share their knowledge with our students.

The course, which could be called “How to Succeed in Food Service Without Really Trying,” would address concepts important to working in food service without actually demonstrating real effort.

One such concept to be taught is the law of supply and demand, a topic in which all business students should be fluent, and methods for its repeated violation. For example, on Sunday evenings, students have to eat or else they will starve.

This would illustrate a demand for food.

Having minimal amounts of food in the Usdan Café and the P.O.D. Market is an excellent example of a failure to meet this demand with adequate supply. I suppose that in most business courses, the lesson would instruct students on how to change their business model so they can always meet demand, but in this class, students would be instructed not to worry about it.

Why get worked up over it? People will figure something out. It’s an easier answer for the tests than drawing graphs and shit.

An additional topic could address the everrelevant idea of quality control and, to that end, how to compromise the integrity of your product. Students could conduct a case study on the quality of a Usdan hamburger and how it is compromised by using bagel halves when the grill is, for whatever reason, out of buns.

An investigation could then be conducted by students to correct for this drop in the value of the burger. Or at least they would be instructed to pretend to do so. Maybe they could just express mild concern at the use of bagels.

Actually, no. There will be no investigation whatsoever. Bagels on a hamburger are fine.

CATERPIE COOPER/the Justice

SUNDAY SUFFERING: A student is brought to his knees, despairing over the lack of available dinner options.

Finally, students could conduct a case study on the quality of dining experiences and how it is compromised by making forks and spoons impossible to find in the cafeterias. A followup investigation could then be conducted by students to correct for this drop in quality so that students do not have to eat salad with a knife. Actually, no. There will be no investigation whatsoever. Eating a salad with a knife is fine.

This type of class would easily meet the standards of an experiential learning course and would give students the valuable opportunity to learn from those in food services who

are intimately familiar with inaction.

Additionally, the course serves to reinforce the concept that monopolies allow you to get away with anything.

The overarching theme of the course would be that once you find a client who will totally submit to your will and sign themselves away, you have free reign.

I am hopeful that the Business program will take this proposal under serious consideration, as I believe this course can teach students the potential benefits of running a business and then letting go of the wheel without fear of consequences.

SPORTS BRIEF Gosman arena’s seating capacity to expand The administration unanimously agreed to increase the seating capacity of the Gosman Sports and Convocation Center to 20,000 people next year, according to University President Frederick Lawrence.

“This is one of most important decisions in this fine institution’s history,” said Lawrence in a press conference co-broadcast by ESPN and BTV. “Too many students and other spectators have been unable to attend games in past years because of constant sellouts in our small arena. Now, that won’t be a problem. This is an initiative I know Louis Brandeis would have wanted.”

“Dreams really do come true,” Director of Athletics Sheryl Sousa ’90 said after Lawrence’s announcement. “This new plan will allow Brandeis to become the premiere venue in the country.”

The proposed additions, which will cost the University $5 million, will include four levels of seating, with the highest reaching the top of the gym, as well as state-of-theart luxury boxes and a press box. Instead of bleachers, movie-theater style seats will be added to the arena.

As a result of the expansion, tickets will be sold online, at the gym or in the Shapiro Campus Center box office for each sporting event with prices ranging from $20 to $500.

Lawrence also said that students could use points or WhoCash to pay for seats.

Although selling tickets is a new practice for the University, students are elated to pay to attend Judges home games.

Going to see a volleyball game against Emory University beats anything going on at school or in Waltham any day of the week,” Benjamin Berger ’12 said. “I’d definitely rather spend my money on tickets than on a Purim party or on a night at The Mad Raven.”

In addition to students, Brandeis athletes are ecstatic about the new additions.

A7

“We are going to have the biggest homefield advantage in all of college sports,” said women’s fencing saberist Alyssa Miller ’13. “It’s going to be amazing to have thousands of people watch the fencing meets we host at school. They will definitely get their money’s worth by watching us fence for the entire morning and afternoon.”

In addition to the increased seating, 50 concession stands will be built inside the arena. McDonalds, Nathan’s Famous, Carvel and Dunkin’ Donuts are just some of the notable chains that are expected to vie for a spot in the updated arena.

Like tickets, students will be able to purchase food with either points or WhoCash, but they can also use meals to buy products.

Prior to Lawrence’s announcement, the bleachers at the gym were filled to capacity each game for a school-record three years.

The Jury, the infamous student section of Brandeis, became notorious for its plethora of rowdy, passionate and disruptive fans.

In addition to the devout Waltham crowd that attended prior games, thousands of hopeful attendees were unable to gain admission, given that the bleachers were filled hours before the game would start.

“It became a huge problem once we had to limit people coming into the Jury,” said Sousa. “When you think of Brandeis, the Jury is the number one thing that comes to mind. Thanks to Lawrence, the Jury will be open to hundreds and thousands more students.”

Depending on the success of the plan, the administration will then decide whether to renovate other overcrowded parts of campus such as East Quad.

—Ash Ketchum

Jewish Sperm Donor Needed: $8,000 compensation

We are a Jewish couple who is trying to have a baby.

If you are a Jewish man (with both parents Jewish) between 20-32 who is smart, college educated, and healthy, please email fatheringchild@hotmail.com.

Your sperm donation will remain anonymous.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

A8

Sunday, April 1, 2012

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THE JUSTICE

Life behind the fence SEADRA SMOOKLER/Fuck if we know

PLEASE KEEP OUT OF THE LESSER QUAD: Residents of Ridgewood Quad have systematically oppressed Ziv Quad for decades. This fence is the latest in a series of injustices inflicted upon the Zivians.

In a decades-long war between two peoples, a wooden barrier stands in the way of peace

By Caterpie cooper metamorphosis expert

The imposing wooden fence dividing Ridgewood Quad and Ziv Quad, constructed in late fall 2011, has been a source of increasing controversy in recent months.

Some students have taken to protesting what they call a “racist separation barrier,” while others are rallying against the presence of apartheid in an institution of higher education.

“It’s just plain unethical; … you would think that a University so concerned with social justice wouldn’t resort to tactics like this. It’s reminiscent of apartheid in South Africa,” said Bill Johnson ’13, a Ziv Quad resident. According to Johnson, while the fence supposedly protects the Ridgewoodians against violence, it ultimately serves to deny the Zivians basic human rights.

Moreover, there is a definite quality of life difference between those in Ziv Quad, who live within the confines of the fence, and those who reside in Ridgewood. “The victims of Ridgewood oppression who live in Ziv lack basic means of food production and suffer in old, run-down, cramped quarters. I feel like I’m living in squalor,” said Josh Springstein ’12, a resident of Ziv Quad.

Residents of Ridgewood, though, are quick to point out that the Zivians aren’t as underprivileged as they claim to be.

“Ziv residents experience conditions far superior to those in East Quad and Massell Quad,” said Bill Smithton ’12, a community advisor in Ridgewood C. A student demonstration last week attempted to highlight the injustice that Johnson describes. Students Against Fence

Persecution and Other Things, a newly chartered club, set up mock fences around campus in order to “simulate what it’s like to have to walk through a fence every day.”

Jessica Anderson ’13, president of SAFPOT, said, “We hope that the students in other quads who have to walk through our mock fences feel the pain and intimidation that residents of Ziv Quad feel every day.

We stand with Ziv.” According to a pamphlet released by the club, students in Ridgewood Quad have “systematically oppressed their neighbors in Ziv Quad.” Residents of Ziv are forced to take alternate routes to bypass the fence, and are often hindered by the daily commute through the wooden barrier. Those who once enjoyed taking a breezy shortcut on the grass find impenetrable security measures.

The pamphlet further condemns what it calls “preliminary planning” for an expansion of the fence farther into Ziv territory.

“The oppressive residents of Ridgewood Quad are furthering their imperialist agenda … in their attempt to expand their grip of power over the region they have unjustly impeded on land that rightfully belongs to Ziv,” the pamphlet reads.

The wall stands at a threatening 2.5 feet tall and is close to 50 feet long in some places. It is made out of a strong species of pine and in many places is reinforced with a solid post hammered into the ground, making escape impossible. The pointed edges on top of these posts makes jumping over the fence incredibly dangerous.

According to representatives from Ridgewood Quad, the barrier exists “in order to provide protection against the dangers posed by students in Ziv Quad.” A number

of students in Ridgewood have complained of students in Ziv who continually attempt to cross over the fence into territory that does not rightfully belong to them.

Vice President for Adminstration Mark Collins sided with those in Ridgewood Quad. He told the Justice, “The wall is necessary. At most points it is really just a lowlying fence. Ridgewood cannot be forced to compromise when it comes to important security matters. … Members of Ridgewood Quad have a right to defend themselves.”

Senior Vice President for Communications and External Affairs Andrew Gully told the Justice, “We’ve tried negotiations.

At this point, we’ve been left with no choice.

We’d love a fence-free quad, but increasing cross-border breaches by the Zivians have forced us into this unfortunate position.”

Ben Cohen ’12, a member of Brandeis Students Advocating Things, said that his club was planning protests in support of Ridgewood Quad. “We’re going to show everyone what it’s like to live with the constant fear Ridgewood residents have with Ziv in their backyard. … While we understand that not all residents of Ziv Quad are dangerous, there still exists a minority of students who pose significant threats.”

Ultimately, both sides hope for a twoquad solution. Cohen told the Justice that he hopes that both quads can live together in peace and harmony, though he was careful to say that “the Ziv residents must accept our right to exist.”

Johnson shared Cohen’s sentiment, but said that if Ridgewood residents continue to build fences, they are only sending a message of hatred. “Let’s build peace together. We should never fence off our problems,” he said.

Map jacked from the Office of Admissions

X MARKS THE SPOT: The imposing fence is now featured on campus maps used by prospective students.

Satellite photo stolen from Google Maps

THE YELLOW LINE: This map marks the 1967 armistice lines between Ridgewood Quad and Ziv Quad.