Optimist Print Edition 04.01.23 - The Pessimist

NEXT Lab construction delayed

Scientist Brown, McFly steal plutonium, accidentally time travel

BY CHEESE CURD 80’S MOVIE ENTHUSIAST

The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources.

Head police detective

Biff Tannen said this may have been a pre-meditated crime.

“This was likely a planned and well-organized attack,” Tannen said.

While the security camera footage is still a part of the ongoing investigation,

Mayor Goldie Wilson says the perpetrators were caught in 4k and will be facing charges.

The suspects identified are none other than Doctor Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown

and Marty McFly. The two have been caught doing illegal things on ACU campus before, such as littering, failing to say “Go Wildcats” when prompted and skipping praise Fridays.

When the two were asked about their plans from the night of the incident, McFly claimed he was out with his girlfriend Jennifer Parker, and Brown stated that he “turned [himself] into a pickle” to avoid going to

family therapy.

Brown also states that allegedly, if he were to be the one that stole the plutonium, he would have “kept it a secret because [he] doesn’t want the world to know that [he] invented time travel.”

Brown asked that officers not search his house, as it might contain lethal doses of radioactivity, further increasing ACUPD’s suspicion of the subject.

Dr. Phil Schubert, pres -

ident of the university, commented on the crime.

“Man, we are just trying to do some nerd research, but I guess now we can take the claim of helping invent time travel. Mission accomplished, I guess?”

The two will go on trial next June to prove their case. If we don’t see them, we can conclude that they must have gone back to the future.

ChatGPT weighs in on 2023 Sing Song themes

Optimist staff plugged in the following prompt to

Chat GPT, then edited the story for space:

Write a story describing the themes of a university a cappella competition.

Sorority themes include:

Delta Theta: vegetable garden, Sigma Theta Chi: news anchors, Tri Kappa Gamma: weather, Ko

Jo Kai: toy soldiers and

GATA: crayons. Fraternity themes include: Frater

Sodalis: the Wheel of Fortune, Gamma Sigma Phi:

Top Gun, Galaxy: electricians, Sub-T-16: surfers. Class act themes include seniors: bowling, sophomores/juniors: the movie

UP, freshman white: Jonah and the whale, and freshman purple: the Wizard of Oz. Each act is an

A cappella parody of songs with lyrics changed to match the chosen theme. Briefly describe each act’s costumes, set and story line and add one fun surprise to each description.

This is was ChatGPT had to say about Sing Song:

The university a cappella competition was a highly anticipated event on campus. Sororities, fraternities, and class acts had been preparing for weeks, practicing their performances and perfecting their costumes and sets.

As the night began, the energy in the auditorium

was electric.

First up was Delta Theta, who had chosen a vegetable garden as their theme. Their set was adorned with giant flowers, and the girls wore green dresses with vegetable headbands.

The fun surprise was that they had real vegetables hidden throughout the set, which they pulled out and held up during the performance.

Next up was Sigma Theta Chi, who transformed the stage into a newsroom with desks and microphones. The girls were dressed in pencil skirts and blouses. They received thunderous applause from the audience as they performed their choreographed routine. To surprise the judges, at the end of the song, the girls revealed that they had hidden a live parrot in the set.

The judges were amused and impressed.

Tri Kappa Gamma was next, with their theme of the weather. They had a weather map set up and wore rain boots and umbrellas. The fun surprise was that they had a sudden rainstorm in the middle of their performance, complete with sprinklers and water guns.

Then was GATA sorority, with their crayon theme. They had created a set that looked like a giant coloring book, with pages and pages of drawings and sketches. The sisters wore outfits in different colors, each resembling a crayon, with matching hats and

shoes. As they sang, they used giant markers and crayons to color the set, drawing funny faces and pictures, and their fun surprise was a rainbow-colored fountain they had built that sprayed water in different colors.

Ko Jo Kai was next, with their theme of toy soldiers. They had a giant toy box set piece and wore soldier uniforms.

The fun surprise was that they had a giant teddy bear come out of the toy box and dance with them during the performance.

Next was Frater Sodalis, whose theme was the Wheel of Fortune. They had a giant spinning wheel as their set piece, and the boys wore colorful suits to match. The fun surprise was that they had an actual Vanna White look alike, who spun the wheel and revealed the letters throughout the performance.

After Frater Sodalis came Gamma Sigma Phi, who had chosen Top Gun as their theme. They had a giant airplane set piece and wore aviator sunglasses and flight suits. The fun surprise was that they had a Tom Cruise impersonator who did a mock scene from the movie, complete with cheesy pickup lines.

Then was Galaxy fraternity, with their “Electricians” theme. They had created a set that looked like an electrical workshop, with tools and wires scattered around. The brothers wore safety goggles and

hard hats, and even had some light-up vests to give the illusion of working with electricity. As they sang, they “worked” on the set, repairing wires and circuits, and even created a light show with different colored lights, and their fun surprise was a giant Tesla coil that produced electric arcs.

The last fraternity to perform was Sub-T-16, with their theme of “Surfers.” They had created a set that looked like a beach, complete with sand and surfboards. The brothers wore wetsuits and had surfboards of different colors. As they sang, they danced around the set, pretending to surf on the sand and even had a giant wave that was created with dry ice, and their fun surprise was a giant inflatable shark that they rode on as they surfed.

The university a cappella competition was heating up as the class acts took the stage. The seniors’ act was first, with a bowling theme. They donned matching black bowling shirts with their team name “Rolling Thunder” printed on the back. The set was designed to look like a bowling alley, complete with a giant bowling ball and pins. The fun surprise was when they pulled out actual bowling balls and pins to use as percussion instruments during the song.

Next up were the sophomores and juniors with an

“UP” movie theme. The set was designed to look like a hot air balloon, with a large image of the iconic house tied to balloons in the background. They wore matching t-shirts with the image of the house and the words “Adventure is out there” written underneath. As they hit the high notes during the chorus, a crew member released a flurry of colorful balloons into the air, making the audience feel like they were truly soaring through the skies.

The freshman white group, called “The Whale Songsters,” brought a touch of the sea to the competition with their theme of Jonah and the Whale. The group dressed in white sailor suits and caps. The set was decorated with a large whale that opened its mouth to reveal Jonah inside.

The surprise came when the group released a cloud of bubbles into the air, creating the illusion of being underwater.

Finally, the freshman purple group, known as “The Emerald City Crooners,” took on the classic story of the Wizard of Oz. The group dressed as characters from the movie. The set was decorated like the Emerald City, with a large green castle in the background. The fun surprise came when the group brought out a real Toto dog, who happily wagged his tail as they sang.

SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE OF THE CRIME | COURTESY OF MCDONALDS ON JUDGE ELY Perpetrators seen flying away in car with plutonium. The dog is currently unidentified.

Eaton blinds students, prompts dress code change

BY WIKI FEET MODERATOR THOSE ANKLES ARE JUST TOO BRIGHT MAN...

Parents and students alike are calling for a dress code change following a blinding incident involving Cyrus Eaton’s ankles.

The students were transported to a local medical facility and are expected to regain at least partial sight in the coming months.

Parents of the students took to Facebook, blasting the university for the hemline requirements in the dress code policy.

One parent, Pamela Parker, said that hemlines on campus are shorter than be allowed.

“The length of hems allowed on this campus is simply too short,” Parker, mother of a blinded student, said.

“Cyrus of all people should understand that exposed ankles go against Christian modesty stan -

dards and are frankly just dangerous to students.”

The ACU dress code states few hardline rules but emphasizes the need for clothing choices to reflect an educational environment.

Parker says nowhere in an educational environment should a student have to worry about being blinded by an exposed ankle.

“Ankles have nothing to do with education, cover them up already,” Parker said.

In response to the backlash following the incident, Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, sent an email stating they are in the process of updating the dress code policy.

“We accept that exposure of Cyrus’s ankles went on for far too long because of the lack of direct rules on hemlines,” Schubert said in the email.

“We are now doing a thorough rewriting of the policy to include exact hemline measurements required

in order to protect students from something like this from happening again.”

The email, sent to faculty, staff and students, contained interim rules about hemline lengths due to the severity of the issue.

The interim rules outlined in the email are as follows:

• All hemlines on long pants should be covering ankles, cuffing pants is prohibited

• If someone is wearing shorts, tall socks should be worn with shoes to cover the ankles  Socks or leg warmers must still be worn with sandals in order to keep ankles covered

Eaton has declined to comment on this story but was recently spotted at Target pursuing both the jeans and socks sections. His ankles were covered by his uncuffed pants legs.

Watson a Wildcat? Who knew?

Administrators mulls marketing opportunities of C&W star

BY HAL HOOTS AARON WATSON SUPER FAN

The university has discovered that a famous country and western musician apparently attended ACU in the 1990s, and administrators hope one day to reconnect with him for campus events and promotions.

Country music performer Aaron Watson, best known for singles That Look and The Underdog

the university has learned, attended ACU and graduated in 2000.

His style of country music has trended from traditional honky tonk in the style of George Jones, Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson to, more recently, contemporary country. His 2015 album The Underdog reached No. 1 on Top Country Albums that year.

Craig Fisher, vice president for alumni relations, took responsibility for fail-

ing to maintain connections with Watson.

“That’s on me,” Fisher said. “He just sort of slipped through the cracks. I’m more of an R&B guy.”

It wasn’t until last month, when registrar Eric Gumm was performing his annual inventory of historic degree plans discovered Watson’s name in the university records.

“I thought, ‘Hey, I used to two-step to that guy,’” Gumm said. “Not on cam-

pus, of course…”

Gumm immediately informed Dr. Phil Schubert, who hopes one day the university can get Watson to come back to campus, to “strum a few chords on his guitar” and help recruit future Wildcats.

“Aaron Watson is an ACU alumnus? I had no idea!” Schubert said.

“Brooke and I love to dance to that Boot Scootin’ Boogie song.”

For his part, Watson said

he’s been perplexed for some time that ACU has not contacted him.

He said he opens every one of his concerts asking the crown to chant “Go Wildcats!” and do that WC hand sign.

“I scour every edition of ACU Today , hoping I’d get a mention,” Watson said, “but no dice. I guess I’m just ‘Outta Style.’”

Abilene native Blair Schroeder, who serves as interim chief marketing

officer, said he went to Lipscomb and shouldn’t have been expected to know Aaron Watson was an alum. He said he’s excited to add Watson to the lineup of alums on billboards promoting enrollment.

“We had worked our way through all the cool professors,” Schroeder said.

“We were starting to think we were going to have to settle for some of the nerds in COBA. So this is a game-changer.”

HR announces change of faculty compensation to NFTs

BY A CRYPTO BRO DIAMOND HANDS FOREVER

The Human Resources department is switching all staff payments to NFTs, according to a memo sent to faculty earlier this week. The department wants to help faculty diversify their crypto portfolio.

The images on the NFTs being sent out are rotating, so it’s a surprise which NFT the faulty members will get every week.

“It’s like a fun game for the faculty,” Janice from accounting said.

The list of ACU ‘celebrities’ making an appearance on the NFT’s include:

• Dr. Phil Schubert

• Dr. Steven Moore

• Julie Goodenough

• Brette Tanner

• Fritter

• Tammy from the Bean Joe Pleasant from two years ago

Other NFT’s include im-

portant moments from the most recent academic year.

The 2022-23 academic year

NFT’s include:

• Airion Simmons’ airball during the WAC conference Game

• An actual winning season for the football team

• The opening of Moody Coliseum A weekly construction update on the NEXT Lab

In addition to ACU, popular celebrities such as Snoop Dogg, Ellen DeGeneres and former president Donald Trump are all supporters of the NFT movement.

However, not everyone is thrilled with the change. “I have no idea what an NFT even is,” complained Dr. James Inflation.

“How am I supposed to use this to pay my mortgage?”

Despite the challenges, HR is standing by their decision.

“We are confident that this new system will attract the best and brightest fac-

ulty to our university,” said Janice from accounting. “And if they can’t figure out how to use NFTs, well, maybe they’re just not cut out for academia.”

The rest of the faculty is left scratching their heads and wondering what other innovations HR has in store for them.

POLICE LOG

SELECTED ACUPD CALLS FOR

“I just hope they don’t start paying us in Dogecoin next,” said Professor Penny Pincher. “I don’t think my landlord accepts that as payment either.”

Just when faculty thought it couldn’t get any worse, HR Director Karen Beeswax also announced

BY WILLIES

that the university will also be accepting student payments in cryptocurrencies and NFTs.

“We believe that this move will attract a new demographic of students who are interested in the cutting-edge technology of blockchain and digital assets,” Beeswax said.

The news left some professors feeling even more out of touch, while others are worried about the logistics of accepting crypto payments for tuition and fees. Professor Penny Pincher was overheard muttering, “What’s next, we’re going to start grading papers in Bitcoin?”

BY A DAILY MAIL FAN Cyrus Eaton’s ankles being too shiny and dangerous

PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER Willie the Wildcat fawning over cryptocurrency craze

Residence Life charges feral cats rent, forced to relocate

BY PETE THE CAT CAN NO LONGER AFFORD HIS NEW, WHITE SHOES

ACU is struggling to find solutions to pay for the rest of the construction process causing on-campus housing costs to rise with NEXT Lab and Wessel Hall coming to completion.

However, ACU residence life has found a solution in our furry friends on campus.

The Feral Cat Initiative will begin charging rent to the cats on campus every semester to curb the

ever rising housing costs for students.

“We have found that in order to curb us going into debt, and keep the housing costs at the minimum for students, is to charge the cats on campus,” Shannon Kaczmarek, dean of community living and wellness said.

“Despite the effects of this on the cats’ living situations, our students are struggling to find our campus affordable. Cats can totally handle providing rent during this tough time.”

This is the right call to cover the rest of the construction debt, Kevin Campbell, senior vice president for operations said.

“It’s only natural that if the cats are choosing to live on campus, we charge them some sort of rent to stay on campus,” said Campbell.

“They are using our amenities and charging them to create profit in order would pay for our new buildings.”

Despite housing costs coming down for students with this solution, feral

cats have found themselves in a housing crisis. A new cat filled tent city has popped up in front of Dillard Hall as some cats now remain homeless.

“Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meoooow,” said Tom, the cat. Tom has found himself living in the tent city during the heat of the summer despite efforts of looking for employment, McDonalds on Judge Ely Blvd is now at hiring capacity.

However, other cats

working at various fast food restaurants and on campus jobs, cats still cannot come up with rent money.

“Meoww, Meow Meow,” said Mr. Chunks, the cat.

In order to curb cat homelessness some students have created cat sanctuaries to house and provide meals.

“With this new rule, these cats will remain homeless which is just completely unfair,” Eleanor Abernathy, senior animal science major from Catsburg and owner of Cat House of

Sanctuary, said.“ACU has many other solutions to help students instead of putting these cats to work just to eat the World Famous Bean chicken.”

As cats continue to move off campus due to the rising rent students and faculty now wonder who will provide that Wildcat spirit.

“How can we be a school of Wildcats without the having any actual wildcats?” Katrina Frisk, senior animal science major from Mew York said.

‘Open’ forum banned on Facebook, forced onto Truth Social

BY A TERRIFYING REALITY A YOUNG WOMAN WHO CAN THINK FOR HERSELF

Facebook recently banned the Facebook group “ACU Open Forum” for violating Community Standards.

Admins of the group have reorganized and created a new profile on Former President Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social under the name “Make ACU Christian Again.”

The group was kicked off Facebook for spreading misinformation.

Although many of the posts on the page are questionable, the misleading name claiming the forum was “open,” when group settings required posts and comments to be regulated by group admins is what flagged Facebook to examine the page.

Users also reported admins deleting comments

expressing opposing viewpoints to the obvious agenda of forum moderators.

Paul Progresso, page admin, said although it is disappointing to be kicked off, it is an honor to join in the legacy of being banned from social media left by his hero, Donald Trump.

“Although it is frustrating to loose the community we’ve created on Facebook, it just proves that ACU has gotten so

far from conservative truth-telling values that they don’t even care to be held accountable anymore,” Progresso said.

“It’s exactly like what the Democrats did to President Trump, so in a way it’s kinda an honor.”

Progresso said the new page on Truth Social will serve the same purpose as the Facebook group: a space for concerned people, whether they have

children enrolled at ACU or not, to share their feelings about the ways the accredited Division 1 university is failing to educate its students through a Biblical worldview because curriculum includes textbooks other than the Bible.

Anita Gunn, page admin, said she is grateful to have the platform Truth Social, because she doesn’t know what she would do with her time if she lost

her only outlet to ruffle feathers on social media.

“I have to post and comment my opinions every single day,” Gunn said.

“The world needs to know what I think of ACU."

"The university's Administrators would do well to just hear me out and immediately make the changes I suggest.”

ACU administrators declined to comment at this time.

Study shows Optimist Sing Song predictions are up to 98% accurate

BY RILELY SIMPSON ALWAYS RIGHT

A recent study shows that The Optimist correctly predicts Sing Song place outcomes at around 98% on a yearly basis.

The Optimist, the most trusted source on pre-competition Sing Song rankings, has a complicated, multistep ranking process that has taken years to perfect.

According to Hal Hoots, Optimist Contributor, the process is top-secret and only The Optimist editors understand how the entire process works.

“The way they rank acts is super secret, like the Coca-Cola formula,” Hoots said. “It’s basically locked up in a vault, I guess that’s why it works so well.”

The study compared the last 15 years worth of Sing Song prediction data, taking into account anytime The Optimist was wrong, which was not often. The study then came up with the 98% rating from said data.

“I’m really proud of that number,” Rilely Simpson, current Optimist editor said.

“I can’t wait for our predictions this year to keep up the streak. Nothing gets past us, there’s no way we accidentally don’t place a win-

ning act in our predictions.”  For some, the predictions don’t mean anything despite the high percentage of accuracy.

“We don’t listen to The Optimist during Sing Song week,” Angie James,

a member of GATA Sing Song said.

“They always rank us third, even when we got third the year before. It’s so annoying.”

Other clubs on campus enjoy The Optimist

rankings for their accuracy, toting the predictions across their respective social media accounts.

“They’ve gotten it right that we won three years in a row now,” Jackson Smith, Frater Sodalis

member, said.

“ The Optimist has our back going up against GSP. They know we come out on top even when we should’ve gotten second.”

As for the class acts, no one really pays attention to

those acts but the predictions are always spot on.

“The senior act always wins so it’s pretty easy to predict that one,” Simpson said. “We don’t even have to try on that part of it.”

Sing Song Director Courtney McGhaha said that the accurate Sing Song predictions are the best thing students can listen too during Sing Song week.

“Obivously we bring in and train judges for Sing Song ever year,” McGhaha said.

“And that takes a lot of time and effort but honestly, The Optimist knows even better than the trained judges."

"Every act should listen to what the Optimist has to say when it comes to Sing Song predictions.”

This year’s predictions will later be added on to a continuing study seeing if the Optimist prediction percentage can eventually reach a 99% accuracy number, a goal which Simpson said is a part of The Optimist’s future.

"We’d love to be 100% accurate in the future but for now, we’re shooting for to reach the 99% mark,” Simpson said.

By CAT ACTIVIST | FIGHTING FOR EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES

Tom being evicted from campus due to inability to pay new housing costs

BY OPTIMIST VOTER | OBVIOUSLY ALWAYS RIGHT

Optimist correctly predicts a Frater Sodalis win

Towell trades NEXT Lab for ‘a-peeling’ fruitful project

Dr. Rusty Towell, professor of physics, has resigned from the NEXT Lab he helped create to focus on what he calls a more pressing project – removing radioactivity from bananas.

Towell has spent the last six years spearheading the creation of the NEXT Lab and the molten salt reactor the building across East North 16th Street one day

will house. And in presentation after presentation, he has sought to assuage the concern of local residents by pointing out that the reactor will produce less residual radioactivity than the typical banana.

“The more I talked about those radioactive bananas, the more I thought, ‘I’ve been eating those things all my life!’” he said.

“I have to do something about it. It will be an a-peeling project.”

Maverick received six Academy Award nominations.

Bananas are one of the most popular fruits in the world – more are consumed than apples and oranges combined. But indeed, the elongated fruits, which are technically berries, are slightly radioactive because

“I have to do something about it. It will be an a-peeling project.”

they are rich in potassium, and one of its natural isotopes is potassium-40, which itself is radioactive. Every banana can produce .01 millirem of radiation, about the same as 25 grams of Brazilian nuts.

The average American would need to eat about 100 bananas to get the same amount of radiation exposure as they get from natural radiation in the environment. But Towell thinks that’s too much.

“Getting a handle on this

research will be slippery,” he admitted.

Dr. Robert Rhodes, provost, said he was disappointed to hear that Towell will be splitting the NEXT project, but he wished him well.

“He’ll still be on faculty, and I imagine the results of this project will be just as fruitful,” Rhodes said. “It’s ripe for study, and Rusty’s not one to monkey around in his research.”

Like the NEXT Lab, Towell expects his new

research project to have substantial beneficial byproducts.

“I can think of a bunch,” he said. “Banana sundaes, banana bread, banana pudding and Bananas Foster…”

When asked what’s next, no pun intended, after he’s successful with this upcoming venture, he replied quickly.

“Orange.”

Orange what?

“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

Maverick McIvor gains two Oscars after Academy mixup

In the biggest Academy Awards drama since “The Slap,” ACU starting quarterback Maverick McIvor received two Oscars instead of the film, Top Gun: Maverick

With the surprising win, Maverick joins the company of elite Hollywood talent in earning the most prestigious and sought-after award in the film industry.

“I did not expect to hear Jimmy Kimmel to say my name, to be honest,” McIvor said in one of his acceptance speeches. “It was even a surprise to receive an invitation. But I am so grateful for the Academy in giving me this honor after the journey I have been on in my career.”

Initially, the film Top Gun:

Tom Cruise, actor and producer of the film was supposed to receive the invitation, but was never was seen at the ceremony. It was later revealed because he never received an invitation.

Said invite ended up being sent to Maverick, instead of Cruise, due to the constant link of the quarterback to the film by ACU athletics.

But the Academy did not own up to the mistake in order to avoid another La La Land-Moonlight incident, and allowed McIvor to attend over Cruise.

“I thought it was odd that I never received my invitation, but given the Academy’s history of mixups, I’m not surprised,” Cruise said.

“It is frustrating that after

all the hard work and stunts I’ve done in my career, I did not receive an invite.”

The Academy decided to research the ACU quarterback they accidentally invited.

After learning his of comeback from his senior year injury to leading The Wildcats to their first winning since 2013, the Academy gave Maverick awards for Best Actor and Best Reproduction of Every Inspiring Sports Movie Ever.

“It was astounding to hear of this quarterback’s story,” said Janet Yang, president of the Academy.

“It felt so much like an award-winning movie, we wanted to honor his journey.”

We hope this story inspires filmmakers everywhere in a world filled of remakes, sequels and CGI-filled cinema plus maybe even see it

become an award-winning movie itself.”

Now, in trying to follow the legacy of Rob Gronkow-

ski’s acting career, Maverick has decided to become a theatre major, causing him to stay at the university for

an extra four years, while ACU’s football program aims to win an illusive conference title.

IM sees Republican vs. Democrat revolt against socialist referees

BY HOUSTON APPLETREE

BEN SHAPIRO

The College Republicans and College Democrat students seem to only agree on one thing: the socialist referees from the Young Democratic Socialists of America chapter need to take a side.

The Republicans and Democrats went head-tohead on Saturday in the intramural football game

of a lifetime.

The Republicans took a strong lead in the first half, scoring 14 to 0. Mitchell Chambers, one of the Republican quarterbacks, said the Democrats couldn’t keep up.

“It looks like these Democrats on the block just couldn’t handle the heat of our seasoned team,” Mitchell said.

“They may have put up a fight in the first half, but we all know that’s just a warm-

up for us. It’s like comparing a toddler’s tee-ball game to the World Series - there’s just no comparison. So, to all the Democrats out there, better luck next time.”

The College Democrats declined to comment following the first half.

After lots of trash talk from the Republican team, they ended up coming short in the third quarter, with the Democrats matching their score.

Benjamin Smith said

the Republicans were too busy daydreaming.

“Why did the Republican football team always come up short?” Smith said. “Because they spent more time dreaming up the wall they are gonna build than actually practicing their plays.”

In a shocking twist, the YDSA referees decided that enough is enough and that the game should end after the third quarter to provide equality to all teams.

Referee Hello Alexander,

said that it’s his job to ensure a fair game.

“As a referee, it’s my job to ensure fair play on the field,” Alexander said.

“And sometimes, that means calling a game when both teams have put up an equal fight. Sure, a tie may not be as exciting as a clear winner, but it promotes equality and fairness in sports. It shows that both teams are capable of holding their own, and that victory doesn’t always have to come

at the expense of someone else’s defeat.

So, let’s give credit where it’s due and celebrate the fact that both teams were able to come out on top today.”

At the end of the game, the referees handed each player a participation award to commemorate their own growth and achievements throughout the game.

The next game between the College Republicans and College Democrats is scheduled for Jan. 6.

BY KE HUY QUAN | SELFIE LOVER

Maverick McIvor, not the pilot, holds his shiny new Oscars in Wildcat Field.

DR. RUSTY TOWELL PROFESSOR OF PHYSICS AND ELONGATED FRUIT RESEARCHER

BY TOWELL’S RESEARCH ASSISTANT | ALSO INTERESTED IN ELONGATED FRUIT

Dr. Rusty Towell displays his banana filled with radioactive material to the audience. Kind of dangerous, right?