Photos: GettyImages. Girl, Fuse; Bucket, Steve Wisbauer.
gave in to their every whim. In addition to excess buying, an overindulgent parent might allow the child to repeatedly skip school or cheat on homework, avoid chores altogether, stay out later than is appropriate for their age, even rule and dominate the family. “Overindulgence can manifest itself as disrespect toward authority figures,” says Sheryl Silverstein, Ph.D., who has practices in Westport and Stamford and is on the faculty at Yale University’s Department of Psychology. “They walk into a room with an attitude that says rules aren’t meant for them.” Spoiled children, the study found (though most of us probably don’t need a study to confirm it), display a lack of consideration for others, demand to have their own way, and are prone to temper tantrums. Because we’re meeting their every need, says Amanda Harmon, a licensed clinical social worker in Fairfield and Westport, they’re not learning how to cope with no. “The world at large isn’t going to give them everything they want,” she says. When they grow up, overindulged kids can become entitled young adults, says Van Deusen. “They find it hard to get into relationships because they have this sense of grandiosity,” he says. “Nobody is ever going to be smart enough or good-looking enough.” Silverstein agrees. “Overindulgence can interfere with their social relationships with their peers, their teachers, and as they get older, their bosses,” she says. And it doesn’t end once the children leave the nest. “A lot of parents are still saying yes,
even after the child is grown,” says Passmore. “Parents are paying for their adult child’s rent, car insurance and other expenses, and their overindulged kids don’t feel good about themselves because they need to be independent but haven’t learned the skills.” It’s not all doomed, though. There are ways to break the habit. “They should tell their child, ‘We did something in a way I don’t think is positive for your future,’” says Passmore. “You can’t just flip a kid. It’s always good for a parent to have the discussion with their child, ‘This is what we realize and we want to make changes in our family.’” Then, she says, ask for your child’s input. “Ask them to come up with a needs and wants list. It may turn out to be different from what you think they need and want, but it starts the conversation.” The earlier we can help our children set limits and learn to make decisions and balance things, the better, says Harmon. “We do that by teaching kids that rewards are earned. Setting up charts or a token system. It’s helping them to understand you can’t just walk into a store and say ‘I don’t have any money but I want’” whatever the object of their desire is that day. “Is that one more piece of clothing really going to make your child happy?” asks Cooper, who runs a support group in Westport called Parenting the TooEmpowered Child. “Parents need to look a little more inward and ask themselves what all the needing and wanting is about,” Cooper says. “Ask themselves, ‘What does my child really want?’” HL
A Little Gratitude Help kids learn gratitude by talking about things that matter to them beyond “stuff.” Here are some conversation starters from Laura Markham, Ph.D., an author and founder of the Aha Parenting website, ahaparenting.com. What do you think is most important for happiness — being rich or something else? What else? Do you think if someone works hard enough, they can get very rich? Do you think it’s OK to cheat or lie to make money? What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be? Do adults automatically deserve respect? What about kids? How do you earn respect?
Chores Most parents agree that children should do chores, but enforcing them can sometimes be more work for parents than just doing the chores themselves. My Job Chart (myjobchart.com) is a free online tool that helps parents and kids track chores, get rewards (either points or money,
depending on your family’s philosophy), and hold each other accountable. “So contributing to the family becomes a conversation, not just a one-way battle with the parent telling the child, ‘You need to do more!’” says Adam Bruss, president and chairman of My Job Chart.
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