Jerk March 2013

MARCH 2013 VOL XII ISSUE IV SYRACUSE, NEW YORK your student fee

CONTENTS MARCH 2013 5 FROM THE EDITOR Myrmecophobia FEEDBACK PEEPS JERK THIS BACKDROP Greenhouses at Life Sciences Complex 10 WEB SHOUT OUT 11 TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL Ides of March 12 OBITCHUARY USB Drives

6 7 8 9

20 20 ROTTEN APPLE Emoji need to represent the people that use them.

21 AND THE WINNER IS NOT When the Academy votes early, movies get left out.

12 BITCH OPINIONS

28

36

Photo by Ilana Goldmeier

28 THE OUTSIDERS 60 SYNAPSE

For Primitive Pursuits members, the woods are home.

SMUT FEATURES

Cannibalism

61 DISCOVERSYR Coleman's

62 SPEAKEASY

44

14 PASSIVE#AGRESSIVE

Flower from Chuck's

64 FORM AND FUNCTION

How subtweeting warps conflict resolution.

44 STITCH

How to dress for Syracuse weather

Customize your old kicks for a fresh, new look.

32 NOISE ARTS & MUSIC 32 GOOD MEDICINE

16 16 LANGUAGE BARRIER Convoluted legislation leads to confusion.

18 GONE NUTS America's killer peanut allergy could relate to genetic modification.

50 MARCH MADNESS

Rahma Health Clinic aids the uninsured.

22 22 GIRL, UNDOCUMENTED The heart of the undocumented student rights movement beats at Syracuse University.

GAWK FASHION 36 RETROGRADE Let's do the time warp.

50 Jerk's guide to surviving college baskeball.

56 REWIND

46

Foxygen

58 AMPLIFIED 46 THE ADVENTURES OF ATTABOY Meet a self-made superhero.

Andy Gruhin

59 SEX COLUMN Candy fishing and sexsomnia.

Cover by Adam Day

FROM THE EDITOR Christina Sterbenz EDITOR

Kelly Peters

Nicole Fisher

EXECUTIVE EDITOR

MANAGING EDITOR

EDITORIAL

Melissa Goldberg ASST. FEATURES EDITOR Iona Holloway ARTS AND MUSIC EDITOR Daisy Becerra ASST. ARTS AND MUSIC EDITOR Daniel Taroy OPINIONS EDITOR Jillian D'Onfro ASST. OPINIONS EDITOR Sarah Schuster STYLE EDITOR Noah Silverstein ASST. STYLE EDITOR Julie Kosin RESEARCH EDITOR Laura Cohen COPY EDITOR Lauryn Botterman COPY EDITOR Leigh Miller FACT CHECKER Kerry Wolfe FRESHMAN INTERN Taylor Henry FEATURES EDITOR

WEB

Joelle Hyman WEB EDITOR Riyana Straetker COPY EDITOR Charlotte Stockdale FACT CHECKER Teresa Nigolian BLOG EDITOR Julia Fuino ASST. BLOG EDITOR Emily Maloney ASST. BLOG EDITOR Chelsey Perry

EXECUTIVE WEB EDITOR

MULTIMEDIA

Brandon Weight SOCIAL MEDIA Mariann Yip Sara Easterling, Ilana Goldmeier

MULTIMEDIA EDITOR WEB GRAPHICS

DESIGN

Cassie Skoras Rebecca Mass

CREATIVE DIRECTOR DESIGN DIRECTOR ART

Jason Egitto Alyssa Greenberg ILLUSTRATORS Jaycee Checo, Adam Day, Sasha Pincus, Gabi Hastings

ILLUSTRATION DIRECTOR

PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

PUBLIC RELATIONS

Sam Press Remi Maggio, Ryan McGlynn, Avery Bowser, Rachel Blum COMM. DIRECTOR PR REPS

BUSINESS

Nicole Inniss Patrick Brennan REPRESENTATIVE Jacob Gillon REPRESENTATIVE Nikeya Alfred REPRESENTATIVE Perri Fetner REPRESENTATIVE Elizabeth Pisarenko REPRESENTATIVE Rachel Meyer

PUBLISHER

AD DIRECTOR AD AD AD AD AD

CONTRIBUTORS

Melia Robinson, Dee Lockett, Emmie Martin, Emma Gregg, Ty Cothren, Amanda Lurie, Mary Kate Coonan, Ola Idowu, Emma Smelkinson, Sheridonna WilsonBedell, Jessica Wolfe, Nancy Oganezov, Kenneth Jones, Chris Becker, Kathryn Pope, Jessica Smith, Charyse Watson, Jane McCurn, Allen Chiu, Trevor Zalkind, Andrew Renneisen, Maggie Reilly, Greg Babcock, Emma McAnaw, Sarah Kinslow, Angela Damadu, Frieda Projansky, Reina Shinohana, Camille Fantasia, Derek Kirch, Shijing Wang

Through its content, Jerk is dedicated to enhancing insight through communication by providing an informal platform for the freedom of expression. The writing contained within this publication expresses the opinions of the individual writers. The ideas presented in this publication do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Jerk Editorial Board. Furthermore, Jerk will not be held responsible for the individual opinions expressed within. Submissions, suggestions, and opinions are welcomed and may be printed without contacting the writer. Jerk reserves the right to edit or refuse submissions at the discretion of its editors. Jerk Magazine is published monthly during the Syracuse University academic year. All contents of the publication are copyright 2013 by their respective creators. No content may be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the Jerk Editorial Board.

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So, I suffer from crippling Myrmecophobia. In other words, I hate ants. Like most insects, they hibernate in cold weather—thankfully. But as spring nears, I consider home invasion a serious threat. I’ve had nightmares about a tiny ant commander reciting Aragorn’s speech to a sea of shiny exoskeletons. But instead of the Black Gates of Mordor, they march on my kitchen. I know this sounds absurd. My fear, however, stems back to childhood—when my developing psyche crumbled at the sight of an evil ant horde.

Like any toddler, I stashed food. Hey, Tommy Pickles crammed cookies in his (dirty) diaper, so don’t judge me for a few pretzels under my bed. One day, probably when I wanted a snack, I decided to retrieve the salty stockpile. As I lifted my flowered bed skirt and squirmed into the cavernous depths, I saw them. Ants. Too many to count crawled over half-a-dozen stale pretzels in the corner. Horrified, I retreated. Before resurfacing though, I noticed a straggler: a large, sourdough twist, separate from the group. I tried to grab the morsel, but its brown exterior crumbled in my fingers. The ants had ravished the pretzel from the inside out.

As I got older, the memory of this travesty morphed into an obsessive fear. Scouring National Geographic archives and watching Discovery Channel documentaries only fueled my fixation. Ants comprise 1/10 of the world’s animal tissue, making their population’s approximate mass almost equal to that of humans. And depending on the species, ants can lift 20, 50, or even 100 times their body weight. Paranoia aside, a group of ants could realistically carry me, or any of us, back to their nest.

As a group, these insects possess terrifying potential. But strength in numbers applies even more to an advanced species like humans. If we Myrmecophobiacs unite, we have the power to prevent ant world domination. And we can take cues from the collaboration in this issue of Jerk. SU student Georgina Perez started a youth immigration rights movement with only six people. Read her inspirational story on page 22. And in the throes of March Madness, our sanity teeters on the success of Boeheim and the gang. Learn some new cheers and the dos and don’ts of game time on page 53. Alone, we accomplish so little.

Together, we kick ass.

Let’s just hope the ants never realize that.

Forever Afraid,

Christina Sterbenz

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FEEDBACK

PEEPS It's been a while since we last spoke. No calls, no emails, no 3 a.m. snapchats? It's fine--we ate our weight in holiday cookies to drown the sadness. To be fair, you did tweet at us.

Here's what some of you were thinking while the rest were basking in 2 p.m. wake ups and mom's cooking.

Maddy Berner @mjberner @jerkmagazine Disappointed with the sex column this semester. Nothing I've read is relatable, sexy or fun. Ask for real student submissions!

Dec 10 Ally Coughlin @ladyhomie11 Best issue of @jerkmagazine yet. The articles were so interesting and informative, great distraction from finals.

Dec 10

TAP THIS Jerk Magazine 126 Schine Student Center Syracuse, NY 13244

BEHIND THE SCENES

jerk@jerkmagazine.net jerkmagazine.net

Ola, Amanda, and Mary Kate channel their inner Daria. Selfloathing not optional.

Our Bad. Some information was misstated in "Broken Promises" in our December issue. Philip Jocko Jr.'s recollection of holding the wampum belt is from February 2012, and he is a grown man, not a young boy. In addition, the Onondaga used the original George Washington wampum belt to announce its appeal of the September 2010 rejection of the 2005 Land Rights Action, not the two row wampum belt. The two row wampum belt ratifies the Two Row Wampum Treaty, and the George Washington belt ratifies the 1794 Canandaigua Treaty. Jerk regrets these errors.

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MELIA ROBINSON

Someone get this golfing guitarist a dark

On the hunt for love, this Amanda Seyfried

chocolate Klondike bar or else he’ll mow through

doppelgänger is planning a trip to the Emerald

your chips and salsa before you can say, “Hi,

Isle to find a husky Irish Jew to marry. A

Kenneth Jones.” This senior television-radio-film

Merrimack, N.H., native and senior magazine

and English and textual studies dual major from

journalism and information management and

Hanover, N.H., banged out his interview with

technology dual major, Robinson has one big

Flower from Chuck’s on page 61 using a 1940s

takeaway from her Smut feature about the revival

refurbished typewriter while listening to the

of ancestral living skills on page 22. “If you invite

Sharon Family Band.

Primitive Pursuits friends to a party, they will wrestle in your living room,” she says.

It takes a lot of clamps to look this good.

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KENNETH JONES

EMMA MCANAW

EMMA GREGG

This magazine journalism sophomore from

When not devouring Sour Patch Straws, Gregg

Westchester, N.Y., can’t go a week without

obsesses over sliced bread, mankind’s greatest

Tostito’s, so Jones is a friend prospect. McAnaw’s

invention. Revamp old, dirty kicks with Gregg’s

a pen-hating mistake-maker and swears by the

help on page 44. “It’s so easy to imprint your

forgiving pencil, a writing implement favored by

personality on your clothes with the right art

Russian astronauts (American spacemen prefer

supplies,” she says. But think twice before dying

gravity defying ink, FYI). Check out her chicken

your hair “Gregg-red.” It’s high-maintenance.

scratchings about Attaboy on page 46.

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BACKDROP

JERK THIS

Greenhouses at the Life Sciences Complex

MARCH THIS MONTH'S APPROVED EVENTS The 31st Annual Syracuse St. Patrick’s Day Parade There’s only one thing better than getting hammered at 10 a.m.—getting hammered at 10 a.m. outdoors with Irish people.

Join your fellow beer enthusiasts in downtown Syracuse at noon for the 31st Annual Syracuse St. Patrick’s Day Parade. And don’t worry if you’re not actually cut from green cloth—start pounding brews, anyway.

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Excision with Paper Diamond at The Westcott Trade your kilt and bagpipes for some bass and dark beats. Throw on your favorite gas mask and join the crowd for some head banging glory. Show starts at 9 p.m.

Behind the glass—and vacuum­-sealed security doors

Free ice skating at Clinton Square Ahh, icy wind whipping your face, sleet knocking you on your ass for the third time in one week, and some lovely subzero temperatures—a picturesque wintertime scene in ‘Cuse, don’t you think? Yes, we’re kidding. But don’t let the arctic freeze get you down—at least not on Wednesdays.

Head to Clinton Square for free skating. Show the ice who’s boss.

Cinefest at the Holiday Inn in Liverpool Bradley Cooper blockbusters got you down? Besides needing a libido check, try giving mainstream cinema the finger. Start chillin’ at the Holiday Inn to catch some rarely seen classic films straight from the vault. HD can suck it.

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14-17

"What people don't realize is that in some ways a greenhouse is like a hospital," Althoff says. "We don't want to bring in bugs or fungus or bacteria—that's why it's restricted access."

Earth Hour Embarrassed by your lack of energy-efficient appliances and an inability to turn off the lights? We are too. Show your “Go Green” friends that you and Mother Earth really are cool by turning off and unplugging your electronics from 8:30 to 9:30 p.m. Light a candle and read a book—it’s good for you.

Critz Farms Maple Syrup Celebration Instead of waiting for the waitress at Stella’s to call your party’s name so you can drown your hangover in syrup, hop a ride to Cazenovia any weekend in March for some of the real stuff (you know, straight from the tree). Added bonus: wagon rides, forest tours, and the magical “Slide Mountain.”

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31

"Lights are designed to mimic the natural light you get from the sun so you'll get the right wavelengths to help plants grow," Althoff explains.

By Iona Holloway : Photos by Maggie Reilly

30 Teagan and the Tweeds at Dinosaur Bar-B-Que Teagan Ward and her six-piece ensemble are the perfect blues, country, and folk combo. If the whole banjo ukulele sound isn’t your thing, focus on eating ribs and pulled pork until your belt can extend no further. We think you’ll survive. Show starts at 10 p.m.

"Before, someone had to go outside and paint the wall a blueish tinge to get the sunlight down,” Althoff says.

The student population crawls like ants through the 230,000 square-foot Life Sciences Complex, oblivious to the transparent bubble of computer-controlled magic on the rooftop. The research greenhouses crown the multimillion dollar complex that opened in 2008.

In the top 10 percent of all greenhouses, according to assistant professor of biology Dr. David Althoff, an automated control system directs the eight high-ceilinged, connecting rooms. Temperature-controlling metallic blinds zoom up and down, while “floating” workbenches flood with water on schedule and maximize space by shunting to the side, creating temporary walkways.

Unlike the humid wing housing undergraduate and graduate plant studies,

loud air conditioning cools the faculty wing, allowing a variation of 40 to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Researchers wear earplugs, masking the racket. Yellow, bugencrusted flytraps protect plants in the feeder room, currently used by Althoff for research on wasp, aphid (plant lice), and wild oat interactions. Space-age tubes create depressurization vacuums ensuring open doors don’t suck insects out of the greenhouse. Transgenic plants live next door in the “high security” room where filtercovered air vents prevent the pollen from plants injected with fish genes escaping the proverbial scientific bubble.

For the Life Sciences Complex, it’s not a case of what lies below—but above. JM

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FOLLOW, DON’T LEAD facebook.com/jerkmagazine

rain, snow, and@jerkmagazine frozen shit water falling Ahhh, springtime. Through rain, Ahhh, snow,springtime. and frozenThrough shit water

Sources: emc.syr.edu

WEBWEB SHOUT SHOUTOUT OUT

Although good old Willy Shakespeare probably made you hate Julius Caesar back in high school, Jerk suggests you take another look. After all, his story has as much drama as sorority rush: power, betrayal, and salads. Jerk quizzed 50 students in Bird Library to get the lowdown on how they feel about the Ides of March.

falling from the sky, you’ve trudged all in the @jerkmagazine fromacross the sky,campus you’ve trudged across campus all in the hopes of catching hopes of catching a single ray of asunlight. of sulking single rayInstead of sunlight.

Ya, we’reinstill waiting too.Syracuse But instead of sulking Jerkify pasty gloom, enjoy the glow of your screen while checking in pasty gloom, enjoy the glowout of your screen while checking out Jerk’s vimeo.com/jerkmagazine Jerk’s newest web features. Theynewest may not bronze your web features. They may not bronze your light-starved bod, but light-starved bod, but we promise they’re more sanitary than a we promise they’re more sanitary than a bed at Garbos. bed at Garbos.

SCAN ME WEBSITE

Jerkcast

TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC POLL

Julius Caesar’s greatest legacy:

BLOG

34% Ensuring that every idiot knows at least a little

Jerk-ify

Which institution would you conspire to take down?

Latin (Et tu, Brute?)

32% Inspiration for the phrase “backstabber” 22% Toga parties 12% The salad

Check out the very first student publication podcast to hit the hill.

Tune in each Monday night to find out the low-down on everday campus life This month, we’re taking you behind the from real Jerk's. It's like Seinfeld with scenes of our decade-spanning fashion cynicism - can you ask for anything feature with the stylists, photographer, and more? beauty team that make it happen. We also have Emma Gregg and Ty Cothren with a quick dance lesson to accompany the DIY kicks on page 44. Head over to jerkmagazine.net for exclusive content from the issue.

@TonightOnGIRLS TONIGHT ON ‘GIRLS’: Shoshanna falls ten feet off a vintage bike; Ray has a Vlog-burning; Marnie gets the wrong prescription for her monocle.

It’s not Sunday night unless you're with Hannah, Shoshanna,BLOGS Jessa, and Marnie.

"The ladies" throw a wrecking ball through Brooklyn in the second season of the critically Sure, the earth may still be barren, but Jerk’s acclaimed TV (shit)show. @TonightOnGIRLS blog has sprouted a spankin’ new design. writes fictional previews of each episode, Our team has spent their winter hibernation poking fun at creator Lena Dunham’s clicking, typing, and whatever else tech-savvy (sometimes) off-the-deep-end plot lines.

But, people do to create a new badass format, is Hannah making documentaries on Vine complete with tons interactive features. that unrealistic?

Weof think not. Turn that Follow button blue, and thank us later.

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38%

What should have been Caesar's last words?

NRA—It’d be ironic.

52% “That’s not what you said last night, Brutus.”

22% “I knew I should have exiled you all.”

30%

18% “Let’s talk! Olive leaves and wine on me.”

Bank of America—Too big to fail? We’ll see.

8% “Did you guys throw me a surprise toga party?”

16%

Who topped Brutus in terms of betrayal?

HONEST TO BLOG If you’re expecting to finding a new porn site, well, today is not your day. Girl on Girl Productions, started by SU’s own Keaton Fox, Maddie Holloway, and Meg O’Malley, is a platform for girls creating their own content in varying media. The submission-style blog is filled with local work and global names you need to know, including America’s favorite production of nepotism, Sofia Coppola, and fashion and lifestyle photographer, Cass Bird. No matter your intention when you visit girlongirlproductions.com, you’ll leave liking a girl on top.

PHOTO CREDITS: Collider.com (left), Meg O' Malley (right)

TWITTER ICON

Sick of frat-erized music selections?

Let us redirect your listening. Check out Jerk's very own Spotify playlist for some fresh beats that don't make you think Sure, the earth may still be barren, but Jerk’s of the last time you had your hair held blog sprouted a spankin’ new design. Our back. team spent their winter clicking, typing, and whatever else tech-savvy people do. Check it out at jerkmagazine.net/blog, complete with tons of interactive features. Techies, we bow down to your awesome abilities.

McDonalds—Stop obesity or free Big Macs for all?

You decide.

42%

Scar – He pushed his own brother into a stampede.

Uncool.

Apple—You just want your Android to be cool, okay?

16%

Comparatively, what’s the most exciting thing that could happen in our Senate?

32%

Snape – Even the Dark Lord didn’t see that coming.

40% Barack Obama announces every conspiracy theory about him is true.

24% Bipartisanship. That might be asking too much.

22% Joe Biden starts to strip tease...

14%

John Lennon – Oh, no, you didn’t, Yoko Ono.

14% ...leading to a massive orgy.

Judas – Well, at least Lady Gaga called him out.

12%

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BITCH OBITCHUARY

FRAMED

RIP: USB Drives

2001-2012

Cause of death: The Cloud

By Chris Becker : Illustration by Jaycee Checo I dropped my USB flash drive in the snow the other day. A year or two ago, I would have panicked—that little magic stick carried my entire digital life. But this time, I didn’t even break a sweat. Water can no longer damage my docs—they all safely float on the cloud.

When USBs launched into the computer market in 2001, the amount of storage space on a drive seemed absolutely ginormous compared to the 1.44 MB floppy that came before it. Entry-level USBs had over 128 MB: not only could you store the final draft of your book report on Holes, you could store the first and second drafts, too.

Fast forward a few years and USB drives were the main method of storing and transferring documents. Sizes had increased dramatically (4 GB became the norm), and you could purchase your own memory stick at WalMart for $14.99. These bad boys held a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and the 300 grainy, out-offocus pictures you took in the basement of DKE on Saturday.

But a recent invention chopped down the proverbial rainforest and changed the tech ecosystem forever. Our plastic buddy’s heart monitor shows a steady line while the white and puffy assassin looks down.

You’ve probably heard the term “cloud" and most likely use it on a daily basis.

Hilariously, nobody really understands what the cloud actually is. Ask an IT guy,

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and he’ll start to explain. But you’ll tune him out in five seconds and start thinking about that funny cat picture you tweeted a couple seconds ago.

The great part about USB drives, though, was that we did understand. You could physically hold your data. Your files lived on a device that you could put in your pocket, throw in your bag, or forget in the Kimmel computer cluster after printing out a syllabus. Creative companies would manufacture drives in the shape of robots, animals, or best of all, bottle openers. You had complete control. Now, with the cloud, you’re at the mercy of the geeks running the servers on the other end, meaning that if Tommy Intern trips over the power cable, you’re screwed until they plug it back in.

Sure, magical services like DropBox or Outlook can save your ass when you forget to print out that psych paper. Sure, most services will give you 5 GB for free, which is infinitely cheaper than the $19.99 you’ll spend at the book store for a plastic drive with Otto’s face plastered all over it. And sure, cloud services automatically create backups of your files, and conveniently allow you to access them on your computer or mobile phone. But with a USB drive you can still access your files when AirOrangeX is being a pain in the ass.*

*This article almost didn’t make it into the issue because the writer couldn’t connect to the cloud on AirOrangeX. JM

Azealia Banks

By Gabi Hastings Ink Drawing "As an illustrator, musicians are often my favorite subject. This piece is of the rapper Azealia Banks. I chose to emphasize her hair because it is one of her most advertised features. Her name of twitter is even YUNG RAPUNXEL as a reference to it's long length."

—Gabi Hastings Showcase your work in Framed. Email art@jerkmagazine.net.

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BITCH

BITCH supposedly hates her, and how she offended the subtweeter. At first glance, the tweet appears arbitrary and useless.

However, the insidiousness of the subtweet lies in its nuance.

First, Twitter won’t notify the subject of this tweet because of her absent Twitter handle. But if she notices the tweet by chance, she might just recognize herself as the popular bitch everyone hates.

Second, at least some of the subtweeter’s 309 followers will know whom the tweet references. This makes for a delicious inside, but simultaneously public, joke. It’s like a gaggle of middle school girls laughing and pointing at you from across the lunchroom. Ask yourself, “Are they making fun of me?”

Of course they are, but like most cowardly bullies, middle school queen bees and subtweeters won’t tease you outright. They vent their aggression but avoid direct confrontation, liberating them from accountability and sidestepping the need for mature conflict resolution.

Middle school politics aside, in-person conflict resolution might be a dying art. In 1999, two psychologists at Yale University found that effective

Sub-tweeting allows people to sidestep conflict—but also responsibility for their actions.

By Kathryn Pope : Illustration by Rebecca Mass In a hotel ballroom in Boston on Jan. 4, a crowd of 250 members of the American Dialect Society and the Linguistic Society of America voted on the Word of the Year.

Meant to capture the spirit of the past 11 months and nod to Americans’ linguistic ingenuity, the winning word should represent an aspect of American culture borne of 2012 and likely to endure for years to come. The official winner this year: #hashtag. #Hashtag’s victory highlights Twitter’s eminent place in American society. It’s a forum for sharing information, following events as they unfold, making offensive jokes, and spouting ill-informed political

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negotiation, cooperation, and true problem solving depend on face-to-face contact. They worried that talking on the phone undermined interpersonal communication. Fourteen years later, when a subtweet can travel from someone’s devilish mind, through the smartphone at his or her fingertips, and onto the Internet in a matter of seconds, worrying about the telephone limiting face-to-face communication seems ridiculous. Nowadays, making a phone call shows politeness—if not downright intimacy—and dealing with issues in person is rare indeed.

Basking in the glow of our computer screens or gazing lovingly at our smartphones, we fire off every smartass comment and ill-conceived idea that pops into our heads. If someone else suffers, and if we don’t even have the nerve to mention our victims directly, all the better! An impenetrable fortress of digital anonymity protects us, right?

Hardly. At the end of the day, when my Samsung Galaxy dies, I toss around in bed unable to sleep because the backlit computer screen ruined my circadian rhythm. The nectar of online vengeance doesn’t taste so sweet. JM

ideas. But of the millions—maybe billions—of hashtags, one is the most annoying: #subtweet.

Subtweeting, or referring to someone without using his or her name or Twitter handle, is the 2012 way to talk publicly about foes behind their backs. Subtweets can theoretically be good or bad, but most often they are malicious, petty, and passive-aggressive.

A perfect example, plucked from Twitter’s #subtweet page: “Bitch you might be popular, but everyone still hates you.” The casual Twitter browser—like me—ponders the identity of this “popular” chick, why everyone

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BITCH

BITCH

Convoluted legislation leads to ridiculous rumors—like Obamacare implanting microchips under our skin.

By Jessica Smith : Illustration by Sasha Pincus

President Obama’s national health care policy, the Affordable Health Care Act, mandates that everyone must have a radio-frequency identification chip (RFID) implanted by March 23, 2013—or else.

According to the Internet, this looming ultimatum is a non-negotiable contingency of Obamacare, or rather, H.R. 3962. And of course, the Internet is never wrong.

Nevermind the constraints of this country’s staggering debts, or the logistics of the government sneaking into people’s homes and implanting RFIDs against their will. And while we’re at it, hell, let’s pretend that little thing called “freedom” isn’t a concrete cornerstone of this nation’s very existence. Because that’s what you would need to dismiss to believe that the ruler of the free world would forcibly track you like Amazon tracks packages.

Regardless of the painfully obvious fact that this conspiracy is a monumental heap of horse pucky, a solid contingent of Americans exist who are irrevocably certain that this seemingly sci-fi provision is more fact than 18 JERK

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fiction. The worst part? The text from the actual bill is what convinced them.

The heralds of this theory point to a provision of the bill that allows the secretary of state to develop a national registry of implanted devices as evidence of this malicious mandate. But when the provision is read in its proper context by someone who’s not debilitatingly paranoid, it’s clear that it has no malicious underbelly. This is only one of several facets of the bill that seem to support these theories though. While these ideas are not based in fact or in logic, they are enabled by the convoluted language used to write legislation.

H.R. 3962 is a 1,990-page document with countless sections and subsections written in obscure legal jargon. The document is so expansive that if an easily swindled American was told that one tidbit of the bill implied that the government mandated RFID implants, it would not be entirely unrealistic for the gullible individual to believe it.

As much as I support conscientious, contextual reading and comprehension, these paranoid masses cannot be entirely to blame for their own ignorance.

This raises two pet peeves of mine. The first, an absence of digital literacy. The issue of individuals’ pitifully poor ability to analyze what they find on the Web will solve itself in due time. This will either be because of the continued emergence of digital natives, or the creation of tools like Truth Goggles. (If you haven’t heard of Truth Goggles, it’s a tool that determines how factual a web document is, and I highly recommend you check it out, so you don’t accidentally create a bogus conspiracy theory that goes viral.)

The bigger issue, though, is the lack of true government transparency, due to the fogginess of legal writing. It’s one thing to have the wool pulled over your eyes; it’s another to have the wool pulled over your eyes because of the complexity of a factual document. The laws that we pass, and the ways that we pass them, need to be comprehensible to the average citizen. The site opencongress.org takes a nice swing at bat with this by opening dialogue on certain bills and providing ancillary information.

But it still does little to interpret the verbose vacuum of the actual legislation. For Americans to truly be active participants in this great nation’s democracy, the way legislation is written must change. JM

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BITCH

BITCH

Gone Nuts Peanuts, America’s favorite and deadliest allergen, should have Genetic Modification labels.

By Nicole Fisher : Illustration by Sasha Pincus

Smeared onto bagels, layered over fruit, or licked right off the spoon: peanut butter remains America’s sweetheart, even after childhood. As a staple of the elementary school lunch box, this nutty spread made every sandwich complete.

After the first bite of my peanut butter and fluff sandwich, the thick mass stuck to the roof of my mouth, leaving a challenge for my tongue to conquer during recess.

Yet some kids, like Riley Mers, can’t enjoy (or even associate with) this delectable delight. Mers, an 8-yearold from Monument, Colo., can’t be in the same room as peanut residue without suffering extreme reactions.

Within six minutes of contact, she goes into shock. Mers must keep a peanut sniffing dog by her side at all times to detect potential dangers. While this costly man’s best friend is the first

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ever trained peanut-sniffing dog in the U.S., Mers isn’t the first kid with extreme peanut allergies. Eight percent of American children under six suffer from food allergies. Whether activated from ingesting, touching, or simply breathing near peanuts, some reactions cause mild rashes while others result in more serious symptoms. Since 1997, the number of people with peanut allergies has tripled. In 1997, we also first introduced genetically modified organisms, or GMOs, to our food.

Coincidence? Scientists think not.

Research links GMOs to allergies, according to a report by The Ohio State University. Companies used to make peanut butter from normal peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt, and molasses.

Now, most spreads use genetically modified peanuts. Though the facts show peanut allergies worsening with

the introduction of GMOs, the Food and Drug Administration has yet to determine the mysterious cause of the allergy increase.

In 1999, the United Kingdom started using GMOs in food production, causing soy and peanut allergies in children to rise 50 percent. As a result, the Brits, along with other countries, require special stickers on these mutant foods.

Yet in America, the FDA claims no need for mass labeling. Until a study proves these drastic side effects exist and endanger us, children will suffer from swollen airways and full body rashes.

Slapping a label on a peanut butter tub or other GMO products seems to be the path of least resistance. When polled, over 90 percent of Americans state that they want to know if their food contains GMOs. Labels with nutritional facts would allow consumers to make

informed decisions about what they consume. If the chemicals used to genetically enhance foods cause extreme reactions like other natural ingredients, Americans have the right to know that, too. Instead of supporting or ignoring Franken-foods, the FDA should accept that genetic modification can harm customers.

One of the most dangerous and least outgrown allergies, peanut allergies affect 3 million people in the United States. A label might help in the short term, but this peanut butter predicament has long-term effects.

With more attention from the FDA, the peanut panic in America can possibly be put to rest. And no longer will an elementary school kid have to worry about sending their best bud into terminal shock because of simple food swaps at lunch. JM

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Why the company’s silence on Emoji’s apparent racism sucks.

By Charyse Watson : Illustration by Cassie Skoras Kisses in my text inbox. Crying faces about the jokes on Twitter. Googly eyes in the comments section on Instagram. Emoji have invaded the digital social sphere as the new form of expression for our generation.

They show what words and punctuation marks just can’t. To meet our never-ending demand, Apple has introduced an insane number of options: humans, lipstick, office supplies, cheeseburger, and nearly anything else (my favorite: a smiling pile of shit).

Smartphone users expect their apps to be tailored to their needs, so unsurprisingly, they love emoji they can identify with. Apple includes emoji that resemble males and females of different age groups, and even recently introduced gay and lesbian couples in the iOS 6 software upgrade, an addition which “reflects reality” as TechCrunch editor, John Biggs, puts it.

But what’s wrong with “reality” when it comes to racial diversity? As of now, Apple has created emoji for Caucasians, Asians, Hispanics, and those who wear turbans.

There’s even a European military dude with a tall furry hat (wait, maybe he’s a drum major?). Yet, somehow, the darker-skinned people of the world didn’t make the cut.

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two billion people, but the company has given a blatant “fuck you” to all of us asking for an explanation. Okay, Apple didn’t actually respond with an expletive. Rather, the company didn’t respond at all. Apple decided to not even acknowledge the issue that has been the topic of many online discussions since the latest update.

When Sephora started a mini-campaign on Twitter that pushed Apple to include more colors for the nail polish emoji, Miley Cyrus responded with her own 140character crusade. She urged Apple to include emoji that represented black people, using the hashtag #emojiethnicityupdate.

However, Apple ignored poor Miley’s musings and everyone who agreed with her.

All the company issued was a whole lot of silence on the issue.

So yeah, it sucks. Without even a response to move forward from, we’re stuck with stereotypical representations of some races, and none at all for others. I guess, for now, all of us black people will just have to deal with those cheesy yellow smileys. JM

How the best awards show went bad.

By Daniel Taroy : Illustration by Sasha Pincus Remember the scene in Mean Girls where two boys cast their votes for Spring Fling Queen? One voted for Regina George because she got hit by a bus, and the other for Cady Heron because she pushed her.

And that, ladies and gents, explains this year’s Oscar race in a nutshell.

The Academy Awards fail to reward the real best picture of the year. Rather, they succumb to crowning the buzziest movie— the one that, in Will Ferrell’s words, “gets the people going.” And much like the boys voting for Regina and Cady, Academy voters want their winners pretty and popular, however unfair.

Guessing which movies might fit that mold never proves difficult. Studios typically save their homecoming lineup for November and December. But when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences moved its ceremony from the usual late March date to February in 2003, the focus shifted entirely to these end-ofthe-year releases.

An earlier ceremony date meant an earlier nomination ballot deadline: Jan. 4, in this year’s case. Four days into the new year hardly provides enough time to properly assess the gamut of 2012’s Oscareligible films. Les Misérables was always pageant queen material, as well as 12-time nominee Lincoln. But what about The

Perks of Being a Wallflower and Moonrise Kingdom—both critically acclaimed movies that missed a shot at Oscar glory?

For the sake of maintaining its integrity, the Academy has to ditch its decade-long fear of a March telecast. Moving dates earlier to compete with the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards only exacerbated existing issues. This year included a glitchy online balloting system that forced AMPAS members to fax last-minute votes or disregard voting altogether. These failures contributed to surprise snubs on nomination morning, particularly for Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow, both presumed frontrunners in the Best Director race for Argo and Zero Dark Thirty, respectively.

To own up to its status as Hollywood’s highest honor, the Academy Awards should return to the February ballot deadlines of yore. Longer evaluation periods mean fairer chances, especially for early releases potentially forgotten by voting time. This way, audience and critic favorites such as Skyfall and The Dark Knight Rises might have had a real shot at the Oscar's gold.

But nobody would’ve wanted a Bond versus Wayne Oscar showdown anyway, right? Read those ratings and weep, Academy. JM

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In 2011, Georgina Perez initiated one of the most elaborate protests in youth-led immigrant rights activism. Today, she studies at Syracuse University—still not a citizen, and still fighting for justice.

By Daisy Becerra : Photos by Andrew Renneisen; Illustrations by Adam Day

Surrounded by a crowd of Georgia State University (GSU) students, angry motorists, and officers from the Atlanta Police Department and the Georgia State Police Department, six undocumented youth activists from across the nation dropped a banner from the university bridge walkway onto Courtland Street—a busy one-way street in Atlanta—in April 2011. One of the biggest and most elaborate political actions in the immigrant youth justice movement, the activists protested Georgia Regents ban of undocumented youth, which barred illegal residents from the top five competitive universities in the state.

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They marched around the banner wearing graduation caps—representing the 65,000 undocumented high school graduates thriving in the United States today.

Arrested first, Georgina Perez, a former GSU student, led the controversial action.

Over a year later, Perez has found a new home at Syracuse Univeristy. As the now 23-year-old junior sits in Goldstein Student Center, she loads a YouTube video of the day’s whirlwind events. Unease arises as she plays the clip. “I don’t watch these videos,” she says, “I feel very uncomfortable.” She watches an officer place her in handcuffs among a crowd

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of flashing photographers. She sits still, reliving the day her voice, once silenced as an illegal alien, released a defiant roar.

Her journey from just one of 11 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S. to a leading radical activist in Atlanta, Ga. began when Perez’s single mother brought her to Los Angeles, Calif. illegally in 1992. Like most Mexican immigrants, her mother was searching for better opportunities. “She used to work days at a factory, making scrunchies so that she could provide for us,” Perez says. The pair made their way to Georgia on June 23, 2001. “I remember the exact day because it was complete culture shock,” she says. “I cried when I came to Georgia. I hated the quiet.”

Amidst the upheaval, Perez clung tightly to her lifelong dream of attending college.

After excelling in high school, GSU accepted her, but the reality of living without the rights and privileges of a legal U.S. citizen set in fast. Restricted from any state financial aid, Georgina took one semester off to work full-time and enrolled in classes the next.

But her hard work came to an abrupt end: the enactment of the Georgia Regents ban of undocumented youth on Oct. 13, 2010 barred Perez from enrolling for another semester. “I was completely heartbroken, because the only reason I wanted to finish school was for my mom,” she says.

According to Kevin R. Johnson, dean and Mabie-Apallas Pprofessor of public interest law and Chicana/o studies at the University of California at Davis School of Law, the ban represents a long line of policies implemented by states like Alabama and Georgia that deny undocumented students access to higher education. “It’s a troubling development because these youths came here as children,” Johnson says. “We provided them with a K through 12 education, and we invested in them, and then we’re cutting them off from any further investment and any further benefit they can do to the American economy.” Johnson, who also runs ImmigrationProf, a blog

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dedicated to immigration law continues, “It’s short sighted to deny students who have staked a claim here and can contribute here access on the same terms as other residents to public universities.”

The blow left Perez wounded but not broken. “I never doubted that I would graduate from my high school,” she says.

“I never had a second thought of ‘Maybe one day.’ No, I was going to go to college.

That was set.” Perez transformed her desperation into full-blown activism, using anger as an outlet for change. “I said ‘Fine, I’ll just organize whatever. I don’t need school.’ So that’s where I got a lot of my experience, through community organizing and doing civil disobedience actions,” Perez explains.

Today, surrounded by SU students chatting across tables and textbooks, Perez rubs the dark circles under her eyes after a night of intense studying. She looks through her résumé on her laptop. The list points out fragments of Perez’s life spent on the frontlines of action: graduated from high school in May 2007, became a fulltime worker at the Georgia Latino Alliance for Human Rights (GLAHR) in January 2011, created the Georgia Undocumented Youth Alliance (GUYA) in April 2011, arrested that same month, accepted into Freedom University in 2011, and enrolled at Syracuse University in 2012.

The road to Freedom University, an organization created by five professors at the University of Georgia (UGA) months after Perez’s Courtland Street rally, is most significant among Perez’s long list of exhaustive political efforts—one that would eventually hand her the education she desperately fought for. Formed in 2011 in Athens, Ga., Freedom University serves undocumented students, and was named after the alternative free schools created during the civil rights movement in the 1960s for African-American students.

As one of the first cohorts of 40 students invited to attend the organization’s weekly

college-level Sunday courses, which cover subjects from Latin American history to literature, Perez finally received a free chance at an education. Betina Kaplan, a Spanish professor at UGA, and one of Freedom University's founders, observed Perez’s hardened perspective on immigrant rights, as well as her admirable sense of dignity during the organization’s first meeting. “I remember in the first meeting, one student from Athens, after listening to Georgina, said, ‘You know I really want to be like you,’ and my thought in the meeting was ‘Me too,’” Kaplan says. “When I grow up I want to be just like Georgina.”

After spending months in the Freedom University classroom, the organization’s expansive board of advisors, including Pulitzer Prize-winning author Junot Díaz and professors from Yale and Brown, offered Perez a new opportunity. From 2011 to 2012, Freedom University transfered students from their makeshift classroom to the hallways of accredited schools across the nation. Chandra Mohanty, a women’s and gender studies professor at SU and an

active member of Freedom University’s board of advisors, successfully transferred three students to SU, including Perez.

As a dual major in Latin American studies and women’s and gender studies, Perez feels a million miles away from the political turmoil in Georgia that brought her here, but daily Facebook updates of deportation alerts, lower-priority cases, and unjustifiable detainments keep her in the loop. Last month, the case of Miguel Antonio, a detained father, remained at the top of her feed, along with a number for an Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agent and a ready-made script asking for Antonio’s release. “Can you please make a 30-second call on behalf of Miguel?” it read. Days after he was released, Perez posted a celebratory status.

Cases like Antonio’s influenced Perez’s final project for her Latina feminist theories class, something she hoped would inspire activism at SU. Months earlier, she shares her own plight with the class. The tenth person to speak, she shifts slightly and moves forward in her desk chair as she

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clasps her hands. With her brown hair pulled tightly into a bun, she smiles. “Hey guys, my name is Georgina Perez and I, um, actually forgot to bring something in,” professor Jackie Cuevas quickly mouths a silent “It’s okay” two seats down.

“But I’m actually wearing a shirt that’s kind of like a cultural artifact,” she says. “It kind of represents, I guess, all of this.” She motions across the white graphic letters juxtaposed against her black T-shirt.

Two days before, Cuevas asked the class to bring in a cultural artifact which represented a personal journey. So far, 10 students have become five-minute storytellers, relaying stories about Mami’s homecooked paella and holding up tribal-printed pencil cases reminiscent of traditional garbs seen in old family photos.

Their voices quiver in the midst of their life

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stories, and the watchful silence breaks into occasional sighing, squeaky chair shifting, and chin-in-hand dozing off.

Perez moves forward to show the letters on her black T-shirt. The words “I am undocumented,” broken apart syllable by syllable lay across her chest.

While her classmates were moved by her journey, her outspoken attitude about activism remains at odds with much of the SU student body. With her past rooted in activism, it’s difficult connecting with peers who cannot understand the political upheaval that defines her life. “I don’t think people care. I don’t think I get anything out of it. With the students here? I don’t think they really care,” Perez says.

According to Mohanty, Perez’s lack of connection with fellow classmates makes sense. For an undocumented student,

like Perez, activism is life. For most other Cuauhtémoc García Hernández, assistant students, life is defined by complacency. professor at the Capital University Law “I feel like Georgina is one of those people School and creator of the popular blog who have to be tough in order to make it crImmigration. “They have to have here, because this place is not set up for legislators who are willing to listen to what supporting students like her,” Mohanty says. the activists are telling them to do.”

“It’s not like you could just go to a sorority, With the June 15, 2012 enactment because people don’t get where you’re from of the Deferred Action for Childhood or what you’re doing, especially if you’re an Arrivals (DACA), which promises that the activist around these issues.” government will not deport an immigrant Kaplan thinks there’s a distinct difference for two years after the application is between UGA and Freedom University accepted. A permanent change in legislation students. “They have a very for undocumented students clear idea of why they are in across the nation may class, which is quite different be within reach. Even 'WHEN I SAW ALL from students in regular with news of the Obama THESE SENATORS four-year universities. They administration granting NOT GIVE A know what they have to 154,404 DACA applications SHIT ABOUT lose if they are not in class,” as of January, Perez US, WHETHER Kaplan says. remains unfazed by the DEMOCRATIC Perez credits the success political change. “When I ORREPUBLICAN, of the April 2011 Atlanta started to get involved, I THAT'S WHEN I demonstration with precise did everything by law like REALIZED 'FUCK planning. The group signing petitions, writing THIS'. confused authorities for letters—all that shit. When hours. “They fucked up I saw all these senators because they didn’t know not give a shit about us, -GEORGINA PEREZ who could touch us,” she democratic or republican, says. With hired lawyers on that’s when I realized, ‘Fuck hand, extensive research on this,’” Perez says. immigrant laws, and an unwavering attitude Whether or not a change in towards ICE agents while detained, Perez undocumented youth policies will pass in outsmarted the resistance. “It lasted for the next year, Perez remains dedicated to hours because they were freaking out. They finding justice for students living on the didn’t know what to do,” Perez says with a border of educational rights. As she resmile and a shrug. watches the YouTube clip of her arrest in Given the combination of fearless, Goldstein her discomfort lightens as she tactful organizing by a nationwide network begins to smile. “That’s the banner on the of youth-led groups, including GUYA, ground. See?” she asks. “It’s the crosswalk the potential for groundbreaking change from the dining center to main campus, so lies in the hands of DREAMers, dedicated everyone uses it.” She pauses, and then lets allies, and foot soldiers like Perez. “Without out a small laugh. grassroots pressure, President Obama “Man, I was so good at this. I picked the and Congress are unlikely to enact any place. I picked it out perfectly.” JM meaningful immigration reform, but the activists can’t work alone,” says César

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D E E R FAT C RACKLES I N A CAST I R O N PA N . L ATER, TH E STUD EN TS S N A C K O N A JU I CY VEN I SON STEAK W I T H T H E I R BARE H A N DS.

THE OUTSIDERS SUNY-ESF students learn survival skills, like skinning roadkill, in the Primitive Pursuits club.

By Melia Robinson : Photos by Taylor Zalkind A fierce game of Kings unfolds among friends in a Clarendon Street house on a Friday night. A thin blonde draws a 10-card from the deck splayed across the cramped dining room table. “Yes! Categories,” she says, placing the card face up. She taps her unpainted fingernails on her lips as the others cradle glasses of rosé wine and chat about the next day’s camping trip. The female SUNY-ESF students present wear jeans, chunky wool sweaters, weatherproof fleeces, and slivers of eyeliner. " Latin names of animals,” she announces.

“Nooooooo,” the group moans.

“Too broad. The game would go on forever,” Kialey Day, a senior natural history major and president of their SUNY-ESF club, Primitive Pursuits, says.

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“Just mammals,” someone suggests.

“Of North America!” another adds.

A guy wears a black T-shirt emblazoned with the logo of the Wilderness Awareness School, which offers a nine-month survival program on the West Coast. Scratching a patch of scruff on his upper lip he begins, “Canis latrans.” They continue in a counterclockwise motion.

“Vulpes vulpes.”

“Odocoileus virginianus.”

“Procyon lotor.”

“What is that?” asks Emilie Rigby, a junior environmental and watershed science major, whose overgrown auburn pixie cut gives her the appearance of a wood nymph.

“Raccoon,” Day says. programming to foster relationships with “Prooo-see-yawn lotooor,” Ribgy nature and teach survivalist techniques. exhales. “That’s a sexy name!” Their Primitive Pursuits frequently teams up with giggles drown out Florence and the its founding chapter in Ithaca, as well as a Machine playing in the background, ending local meet-up group for nature the round of cards. enthusiasts—the WayKeeper Primitive Skills Ian Skor, a senior forest engineering School—to build their arsenal of skills. major and the lone male officer of Primitive Founded by Jon Harshbarger in 2009, the Pursuits, draws another card from the deck. WayKeeper school provides affordable, Skor brushes chestnut hair away from his semi-monthly workshops for like-minded eyes and says, “King. Never sportsmen and women in Have I Ever.” Everyone lifts the area. Since then, three fingers as Rigby, membership has steadily "WHEN WE LOOK embarrassed, looks away. risen from three AT THE LAND, IT'S “Never have I ever … participants to 20.

EASY TO SAY THE climbed a tree,” she According to Harshbarger, LAND IS BROKEN. whispers. Her admission skills relating to selfBUT IT'S OUR elicits wails from the group. sufficiency in the RELATIONSHIP TO “What?” someone says. wilderness have risen in “But you go to ESF. " popularity thanks to THE LAND THAT'S “We’ll change that when survival-themed shows like BROKEN." we go camping this Revolution, Survivorman, weekend,” Day offers as she and Alaska: The Final -ROBIN KIMMERER drops a finger.

Frontier. In anticipation of “Never have I ever eaten the movie adaptation of roadkill,” another student The Hunger Games, bow says. Five fingers slump. hunting participation Primitive Pursuits members represent increased 19 percent in 2011, according to the earthiest, crunchiest brand of SUNY-ESF the Outdoor Foundation. Trail running, students. They call themselves feral fishing, and hunting topped the list of most humans, like “wild children” raised by popular outdoor activities among adults wolves, or grizzly mountain-men opposed ages 18 to 24. to bathing. In its fourth year at the college, “When we look at the land, it’s easy to the club promotes connecting with the say the land is broken. But it’s our wilderness through practicing subsistence relationship to the land that’s broken,” says activities that provide the bare essentials Robin Kimmerer, a SUNY-ESF professor of for living. Every Friday these 20 students ethnobotany and the group’s adviser. gather in Oakwood Cemetery or a “Primitive activities are a wonderful way to classroom to learn a new survival technique re-establish that bond.” like constructing shelters, identifying In October, the WayKeeper school medicinal and edible plants, starting friction welcomed novices and experts alike, fires, preparing animal hides, and making including the SUNY-ESF club, to learn rope and baskets. Their efforts support a various survival skills—from building a revival of hunter-gatherer culture that fuses simple shelter made of resources found in the simple-living concepts of Walden with the woods, to fleshing a deer hide, the the adventure of The Hunger Games. process of stripping an animal of its excess New York State offers a wide variety of tissue after skinning. non-profit and privatized educational JERK

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Just 20 minutes from campus, the WayKeeper “classroom” encompasses 59 acres of forest in Pompey, N.Y. A clearing that stretches the length of a football field contains half a dozen log cabins, juxtaposed against fiery shades of foliage. The Primitive Pursuits members arrive first. Day, Skor, and two other female SUNY-ESF students pour out of a Honda Accord littered with Chipotle napkins. They race up the hill, taking turns riding piggyback. Trailed by Rigby and a SU freshman, they plop onto tree stumps and kick off their hiking boots.

The group doubles by 1:30 p.m. A middle-aged single mother wears mauve lipstick—the only woman with makeup. Her 5-year-old son cowers behind her and grips the loose fabric of her jeans. Two men chat behind them. They both wear baseball caps, one with a DSLR camera slung around his neck. As they wait for more to arrive, the conversation topic turns to ice fishing.

“Ever been?” the photographer asks.

“Too cold,” shudders the rounder man, wearing plaid flannel lined with sheepskin.

“That’s a young man’s game.”

Primitive Pursuits vice president Mary Downey, a senior natural history major, swivels to face them. Her eyebrows furrow and she plants her hands on her hips. “Or young woman’s game,” she retorts.

“Honey, it’s called maaaann-ual labor,” the beefy lumberjack says as the others turn

to watch. Day, her palms already caked in dirt, approaches in defense. A small dagger swings from her belt loop.

“Mary,” she asks coolly, “what was your best event when you were on the Woodsmen’s Team?” The oldest club at SUNY-ESF, the Woodsmen compete against other colleges in cross-cut sawing, pole climbing, fire building, and other events.

Downey’s eyes dart back to the man.

“Axe throwing,” she grunts.

Tension morphs into respect, and the group walks into the woods for instruction.

Within an hour and a half, the shelter takes shape. Day and Rigby lay down in the coffin-like frame made of two long branches hanging overhead and smaller sticks propped against the sides and across the top. The young boy tries to rattle the structure, but it refuses to budge. The women wiggle out of the opening to help gather leaves, which trap heat, and toss them onto the shelter.

By late afternoon, the students relocate to the clearing for the hide-fleshing demonstration. Before a skin can be mounted to convert into leather goods, the excess flesh must be removed to prevent it from rotting. Harshbarger retrieves a raw deerskin from the back of his truck and flips it onto a wide plastic pipe jutting from the ground. As he demonstrates the proper technique, a circle forms around him.

Tiffany DellaVentura, a senior conservation biology major and secretary of Primitive Pursuits, drapes a rubber apron over her gray SUNY-ESF sweatshirt and cargo pants that zip off at the knee. She presses her body against the hide to keep it from sliding off the pipe and scrapes it with a dull, rulerlength blade in back and forth motions. She peels off sinew and scarlet chunks of fat, revealing patches of blubbery membrane.

Since Skor forgot his road kill woodchuck, which he hopes to make into a porch rug before his roommates discover it in the basement freezer, he skips the demonstration. Instead he grabs a longbow and sheath of arrows, hand-crafted by Day using dowels and pheasant feathers, and disappears into the tree line. Inside one of the log cabins, the girls unload three bags of sandwich supplies: potato and wheat bread, peanut butter, jelly, and granola. “We forgot silverware,” one student says. Day brushes back her honey-blonde side ponytail and shrugs, reaching for the knife in her holster. She steps two paces into the woods, picks up a stick, and shaves the end into a point. “Voilà,” Day says as she digs the splintered utensil into the peanut butter.

Compared to the hominess of the wilderness some SUNY-ESF students feel alienated, and outnumbered on SU’s campus. However, through ties to groups like Primitive Pursuits, they perfect niche

skills, and find acceptance among likeminded peers. Here, they feel understood.

“Sometimes I forget that there is a huge university next to us, but we know we’re different somehow,” Day says. “We need each other because there are so few of us and so many of ‘them.’ [They think] we’re granola-eating, tree-hugging, barefoot—” “Tie-dye wearing dirty hippies,” Downey finishes. "Some of that’s true,” Day laughs.

“It’s just what happened. I am how I am, but I’m not a stereotype.”

While Rigby didn’t get to climb a tree that weekend as Day promised, she bonded with the group, sneaked into a cornfield maze, and stayed up playing “Would You Rather” until the fire died.

Shortly after waking up at 10 a.m. the next day, the students cram into a car tightly packed with sleeping bags, wood chips, bows and arrows, and empty water bottles. During the short drive to campus, they quietly observe the panorama of farmland. Cell signals strengthen and Skor’s phone buzzes to life. “Oh shit, my roommate texted me,” he groans. “‘What the hell is in our freezer,’ followed by multiple question marks.” Their laughter fogs the rearview mirror, obscuring the woods in the distance. JM

J O N H A R S H B A R G E R , F O U ND E R A ND L E A D I NS T R U C T O R O F T H E WAY K E E P E R S C H O O L , P R O P S U P T WO FA L L E N T R E E B R A NC H E S , C R E AT I NG A H A R D Y F R A M E WI T H T WI G S A ND T H R O NY B R U S H A C T I NG A S I NS U L AT I O N.

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Good Medicine , Anchored in Islam, the Rhama Health Clinic serves Syracue's uninsured.

Story by Dee Lockett Photos by Andrew Renneisen

Gathered near a table of chocolate glazed donuts and Hershey’s Kisses on a Saturday morning, five volunteer staffers at Rahma Heath Clinic reminisce about cherry tomatoes.

Despite the snow, they’re already thinking about what kind of plants to grow in the edible snack garden, a community health initiative adjacent to the clinic, which they started last summer.

Located on Syracuse’s South Side, Rahma Health Clinic is one of three free clinics in the area that offers basic medical services to uninsured adults.

The decision to open its doors last

November in the poverty-stricken area was rooted in Islam, which emphasizes aiding the community’s less fortunate.

“Rahma in Arabic means mercy," Shafquat Fazilli, a health administrator at the clinic, says. “We need to serve the underserved.”

The shrill ring of the clinic’s phone breaks the conversation—it’s a call from a local nurse concerned about the swelling in her lower legs. “This is who needs us,” Fazilli says. “There are nurses, grad students, people who’ve recently lost their job or insurance— it’s not just the poor.” JM

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Ajaz Shawl, executive director of the clinic, checks the time. Located at 3100 S. South Salina St., the clinic is open Wednesday 5:30 to 8:20 p.m. and Saturday 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., by appointment.

Dr. Mustafa Awayda, the clinic's medical director, speaks to Mardea Warren, a Syracuse resident, about her health. "A typical ER visit can cost up to $10,000. In here, you can do the same job for $200.

But we offer it for free," he says.

Last summer, the clinic partnered with The Alchemical Nursery to open the community's first edible snack garden, offering fruits and vegetables.

The clinic is staffed by 10 volunteers: five doctors, two nurse practitioners, one social worker, one health administrator, and one policy maker. They work together to keep chronically ill patients out of the emergency room.

Awada consults Melissa Warner, a nurse practitioner, about a new patient's chart.

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Volunteer social worker Violeta Stankovska answers a call from a concerned Syracuse resident.

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RETROGRADE This season, we have a newfound respect for our elders—or at least what they wore. Sixties mod, 70s glamour, and 90s grunge infiltrated the runway’s most celebrated collections. Turn back the clock on your wardrobe and bask in this atypical history lesson.

S T YLIS T : N OA H SI LVERST E I N A SS IS TA N T S T Y LI ST : JOELLE H Y M AN P H OTO G R A P H E R: I LANA GOLDM E I ER P R O D U CT IO N A SSI STANT : NANCY OGANEZOV H A IR : S H E R ID O NNA WI LSON-B EDELL FOR SH E RI DO N N A’S UN ISEX SALO N MA K E U P : J E SS ICA WOLF E MO D E LS : MA R Y KATE COONAN, OLA I DOWU , AM ANDA LUR IE

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A M AN DA: SHI RT: FORE VE R 2 1 $15. 80; S K I RT: H& M $ 2 4 . 9 5 MAR Y KAT E : B LOU SE : FORE VE R 2 1 $ 22. 80; PANTS: NE W YORK & CO M PAN Y $ 5 2 . 9 5

O LA : D R E SS: SO M E G IR LS $54; SH O E S: FO R E V E R 21 $19.80

C H R ISSY : JAC K E T: STY LIST’ S OW N ; D R E SS ( WO R N A S TO P ) : H & M $34.95; PA N TS: H & M $34.95; N E C K LAC E : M A D E W E LL $42; ; H E E LS: TO P SH O P $110.

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A M AN DA: COAT: L EATH ER S CAPAD E , MOD E RN POP CU LT U R E $ 9 0 ; T- SHI RT: V I N TAGE; JE ANS: CU RRE NT/ E L LI OT $ 218 ; SHOE S: STE VE MAD D EN FO R LF $ 1 6 0

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O LA : D R E SS: A SO S $131.55; H AT: A M E R ICA N A P PA R E L $40 M A R Y K ATE : JAC K E T: Z A R A $80; SH IR T: T-B AG S LO S A N G E LE S $136; SH O R TS: LE V IS $64

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GAWK

GAWK O L A : S W E AT S HI R T : W I L DFOX $ 1 8 0 ; S HI R T (WO R N A R O U ND WA I S T ): T HE R AG G E D P R I E S T $ 1 3 2 ; S KI R T : DAV I D L E R NE R $ 9 6 ; HAT : S T YL I S T ’ S OW N; S HO E S : DR .

M A R T E NS $ 1 3 0 A M A NDA : S W E AT E R : A L E X A CHU NG FO R M A DE W E L L $ 9 8 ; S KI R T : P E NDL E TO N, M O DE R N P O P CU LT U R E $ 4 4 ; HAT : U R B A N O U T FI T T E R S $ 2 0 ; S HO E S : DR .

M A R T E NS $ 1 2 0

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M A R Y K ATE : JAC K E T: V IN TAG E ; T-SH IR T: V IN TAG E ; SH IR T: J .C R E W $75; H AT: A M E R ICA N A P PA R E L $20

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GAWK

GAWK

STITCH After months of bulky boots, give your feet some well-deserved attention in a pair of customized sneakers perfect for kicking back on the quad.

By Joelle Hyman : Photos by Brandon Weight Created by Emma Gregg Modeled by Emma Gregg & Ty Cothren

In high school, I bought a pair of classic Vans slip-ons whiter than Hilary Duff's veneers. Ashley Olsen sported the same pair on a venture to Starbucks with a silk Prada turban and a pair of jean shorts that looked more like a denim diaper. The only

difference between my pair and Ashley's?

Hers looked loved, worn and scuffed around the rubber platforms like she had attended some booze-infested bonfire.

But then I remembered she was an Olsen and not a classmate, so she probably just walked through some mud at Coachella.

After four years, my sneakers got the wear and tear I first admired on Olsen, and I didn't have to run from the cops.

I've stamped the death certificate on my Vans more than once, from hailing a cab in a rain curtain so thick it looked like a TLC music video to a Mayfest blackout.

This time, I'm requesting a revival in the form of a new coat. As much as I would like to drape my Vans in a metallic Burberry trench, spray paint will have to suffice. You may not be Curtis Kulig when it comes to getting that drippy "Love Me" splattered across some brick building on the Bowery, but this DIY requires a little less precision and a lot more freedom. At the very least, channel your inner toddler attempting to use a set of Blow Pens.

Second chances don't always work out for the best (see: leg warmers, crimped hair, and denim skirts), but I think Ashley Olsen would agree that everyone deserves a second visit to the arena. If she hadn't gotten one, she would be still be wearing sweater sets instead of designing them. JM

Gather your supplies: shoes, spray paint, and duct tape.

Remove laces and expose tongue.

Cover all spaces not to be painted with heavy-duty duct tape.

Start painting. If you have a stencil, secure with more tape.

5

Check out a step-by-step video for creating your own kicks at jerkmagazine.net.

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After all applied paint coats dry, make additional designs with a fine paint brush or pencil.

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NOISE

NOISE Bujold faced every student’s greatest fear: unemployment. Almost all of his friends graduated college only to face a looming heap of student debts and job uncertainty.

"And to me, that's pitiful," he says.

So began the creation of Attaboy, a character Bujold conceived in a series of comics he had been illustrating. Inspired by the character’s ability to go after whatever he desired, Bujold took on the persona and began constructing RAR. The Dark Ages represent the country’s steep unemployment rates and suffocating loads of student debt that young adults are struggling to overcome. In a time when even the President occasionally admits despair, only a superhero can offer relief—one who’s willing to turn modern economic deathtraps like music and art into something lucrative and respectable.

Music, art, and science. These are the three forces behind RAR. “My philosophy

Leading the crusade for multimedia art in the Syracuse music scene, local producer and artist Evan Bujold mixes science and song for one killer endeavor.

is that that’s all people ever really care about, and those are the only things that really ever gets us anywhere are these three realms of thought,” Bujold says.

This creates a network of people with different talents who can combine their skills to produce various projects that promote each individual’s capabilities.

Where scientists might not have an eye for design, artists can come in with a vision that can make the science marketable.

One of RAR’s biggest accomplishments using that logic was the four-day Rock the Cosmos music festival. The concert was designed to raise awareness about the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), and it’s underfunded. “Rock the Cosmos was about bringing people together to highlight the fact that there is this problem. NASA is basically what funds our future,” Bujold says. From December 3 to 6, 2012 at the

By Emma McAnaw : Photos by Shijing Wang “I wonder if my presence disrespects the game, I'm shooting for change.

You're still aiming the same. Red rider out on the range, I'm still pulling that lone wolf shit like I used to when I was a kid.”

Meet Attaboy, the genius behind these lyrics. Attaboy doesn't seem like the conventional musician. He’s not typical— period. In fact, he’s a superhero. Yes, walking among the swarm of frat stars, hipsters, and orange clad students is a selfproclaimed superhero.

Decked in his distinguishable eared hat and goggles, Attaboy more often bewilders people than earns their trust on the topic of career advice. So to even begin to understand Attaboy, his projects, and future ambitions, one must get to know Evan Bujold—the man behind the goggles.

“Attaboy struck me as a heroic name. It’s quirky and fun, but there’s a congratulatory

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aspect to the name. I think some people will go to the name and be like who’s this asshole, giving himself a pat on the back or something, when really it’s a reason to be humble,” Bujold says. The multi-talented grad student created Renaissance Academy Records (RAR): a record label to help others reach professional goals by networking and building on collective talents.

Bujold is an illustration major in the M.F.A. program within VPA, a musician, and an entrepreneur. By combining these skills, he becomes Attaboy—a local hero.

“Part of Attaboy’s persona is to just do it, so I rolled out of bed one morning and started putting together the base. I just like to meet people and get to know them individually and get to know what they want out of life,” Bujold says.

Upon earning a degree in digital arts and sciences from Clarkson University,

NO M I NAT E D F O R S Y R A C U S E A R E A M U S I C AWA R D T H I S Y E A R , B U J O L D ' S S U P E R H E R O P E R S O NA A ND B O L D WO R K WI T H R A R G A R NE R S T H E R I G H T K I ND O F AT T E NT I O N.

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NOISE

NOISE Spark Contemporary Art Space, local bands and musicians played for Syracuse residents and students to rekindle an admiration for NASA’s great contribution to our rapidly advancing world of technology.

The event was a multitude of talents organized by the RAR team. The lights, the planning, the performances—everything that went into Rock the Cosmos, RAR did.

To simply donate the concert’s profits to NASA would make little difference. “I am just one guy, NASA is probably thousands of people with billions of dollars at their disposal so I had to find a way to help them that only I can do,” says Bujold. Instead, Bujold has begun to create a project that will make an impact in the field of science W O R K I N G TO WA RD A N E W K I N D OF P O S I T I V E ARTI STRY I N H I S C O LLABO RATI VE P R O J E C T S , BU JOLD A P P LI E S T HE SA ME M E T H O D S TO HI S P E R S O N AL E N D E AV O RS.

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in the future. He is working on developing a display in the local science museum, the MOST, that will encourage children to pursue a career in science. “Some brighteyed kid would go to the science museum and be like, ‘This is cool and there’s a real-life superhero in Syracuse that loves science so I’m going to go into the stem fields,'" Bujold says.

Part of what makes RAR so successful is Bujold’s ability to multitask several projects, all of which have completely different goals and appeals. RAR Girls, a promotional effort created by Bujold and partner Destynee Raines, acts as a business springboard for female entrepreneurs. “It is a place for these girls to showcase their writings, their music, or whatever they want,” says Bujold.

One member of RAR Girls, Courtnee Futch promotes her successful dessert-making business Thundercakes on RAR Girls—creating buzz for both the blog and business.

With success stories like these under his belt, Bujold strives to help his clients as best he can without succumbing to the bureaucratic methods that paralyzes so many people’s ambitions. “If someone wants to go and work for Pixar or Dreamworks they can go do that. But they will at least know that someone wasn’t trying to nickel and dime them straight out of the gates,” Bujold says.

According to Bujold, the concept behind the

networking techniques of RAR is called nash equilibrium. Nash equilibrium is a concept of a game theory where the optimal outcome of a game is one where no player has an incentive to deviate from his or her chosen strategy after considering an opponent's choice. Overall, an individual can receive no cumulative benefit from changing actions—assuming other players remain constant in their strategies.

Basically, no one loses.

“That’s what I really enjoy about my idea. If someone on the other end of the earth came up with the same exact idea, we would not get in each others way because we stand for promoting something that is beyond just a single person,” Bujold says.

Bujold also records his own music under his superhero persona, Attaboy. “I used to be just a sad, little guitar player. I went through a bad breakup in high school, and so the music has gone from being very depressing and rinky-dink. As soon as I took on the Attaboy persona, my music took a turn. The music has become more lyrically heavy, it’s become more positive, but with an aggressive attitude,” Bujold says. His music addresses his listeners directly with questions of how they perceive their lives, and why “[they] have any excuse to belay [their] own happiness.”

His intense lyrics create a powerful punch, juxtaposing his cheerful guitar melodies with lines such as “It's like 'I’m harnessing something that most would consider great, and all I know is it keeps me up late having sex with my hate, turmoil, trauma, I’ve taken them all on a date and the only one I never called back was that bitch 'how to be fake.'”

Bujold identifies himself as an anti-folk guitar player. The title was given to him as an undergraduate freshman when playing guitar in a Potsam record store named Strawberry Fields.

“I play intricate riffs but play punk style rhythm and the words and lyrics on top of that are very middle finger to the system. I

don’t like music like Bruno Mars’ 'Grenade.'

Nobody should be out saying sad shit like that, she’s up on the balcony nailing some other dude so why would you throw yourself under a bus for that?”Bujold says.

Bujold is also in a band with Raines entitled Late Earth. The sound of Late Earth contrasts that of Attaboy’s individual work.

Raines and Bujold identify Late Earth as “ska,” a music genre that originated in Jamaica in the late 1950s. Ska was the precursor to rocksteady and reggae, with combined elements of Caribbean mento and calypso with American jazz and R&B. The band’s sound is greatly similar to Attaboy’s lifestyle: upbeat and energized, building up to a whirlwind of different beats and musical components.

Attaboy was recently nominated for a SAMMY award, the Syracuse music people's choice awards. His superhero persona is contagious—everyone wants a piece of Attaboy.

“You know that scene in Jaws where the guy is standing in front of the camera and he realizes that there’s a shark offshore and the background gets really far away but he stays there? That happened when I found out I was nominated for a SAMMY. I put the ears on and started doing pushups,” Bujold says.

Like Bujold’s commanding and powerful presence, his message through his music leaves a powerful punch. His statement is simple: be bold, be yourself, and don’t be afraid to kick some ass.

He drives this message with resonating lyrics: “I'd rather sprout from the trash than wither on a shelf, I inspect myself, and though the pages are in no particular order the story respects itself. JM

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NOISE

MARCH MADNESS

Dopplegangers An ode to our favorite twinsies.

1

1. Rakeem Christmas 2. Nolan Hart 3. Baye Moussa Keita

For one month, our backs ache from concrete campgrounds and our voices hurt from our bloodcurdling pleas. We stomp on stands with our fellow orange comrades, and once in a while, feel our hearts torn from our feeble bodies during split second game changers. We bleed orange. In honor of the ensuing pandemonium, we celebrate our dedication with this testament to our frenetic fandom. Happy March Madness, and may the odds be ever in our favor.

say "him" with a French accent

2

3

TOP FIVE Uses for Your Failed Bracket Fab Melo, Syracuse University

You’ve carefully filled it in, dropped your dough in the pot, and silently sobbed as it all slipped away with one free throw. Fuck your bracket.

Well, not literally–here are some better options.

1. Weapon: Your buddy who convinced you to put Duke winning it all but changed his bracket last minute just won 600 bucks. Paper cuts to the face, motherfucker.

Mason Plumlee, Duke University

2. Origami: Craft tiny animals to attack an equally tiny replica of the point guard that fucked you in the Sweet Sixteen.

3. Mask: Forget about trying to sink into the hood of your sweatshirt after you switch loyalty half way through the Final Four. Hide your fair-weathered face in shame and convenience.

4. Toilet paper: Your teams shat on your predictions, now wipe your ass with them. Also, a 12-roll pack runs like, 20 bucks.

Mike Bruesewitz, University of Wisconsin 52 JERK

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5. Food: You just dropped $100 in the bucket. Get stoned and eat whatever sustenance you can afford.

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NOISE

NOISE

MARCH MADNESS DONE RIGHT A Q & A with Orange Man and Agent Orange First came the spandex. Then came the two-piece suit. Now, the dome duo is a household name synonymous with the term “Orange Pride.” We caught up with “Orange Man” Mike Collins and “Agent Orange” Ben Maher for the lowdown on game etiquette.

How did Orange Man and Agent Orange come about?

Mike Collins: We lived on the same floor our freshman year. About midway through the football season that year, I just decided to buy a suit that I found online. I didn’t really like how it looked with just the suit, so I added the shorts and the tie and just did it for the first game. I just got a good response from my friends and the people sitting around me that I kept wearing it.

Since then, I’ve worn it to every home football or basketball game.

or whatever. That’s what we all want: people that want to be there.

Any tips for fans that might be planning on camping out this year?

BM: Space heaters. Space heaters is a good one.

If you’re living in a bubble, you might still think Fab Melo is a popular soft drink. Take a hint from these vital game-watching survival tips.

MC: Definitely bring things to do. I know a lot of people, when we get moved into the Dome, they bring an extension cord or even a TV because they always hook it up to something. Bring homework, bring cards because it does get boring, just Ben Maher: Over the summer going into sitting there, waiting. But it’s definitely sophomore year, my cousin had a birthday worth it. JM idea for me. He said, “You should get an orange, like, two-piece suit for your birthday.” At first, I kind of brushed the idea off because I didn’t really know how I felt about it, but I decided to go through with it and I guess the rest is history. It’s a huge hit.

• • • • • Photo courtesy of Mike Collins' Facebook.

What makes a good fan?

MC: I think that it’s not blind faith or blind loyalty to the team. It’s the ability to criticize the team when you don’t think that they’re doing well because loyalty isn’t just accepting whatever happens and not being able to be critical. I think the best fans out there are the ones that see problems with their team and aren’t afraid to call people out. At the same time, I think what makes the best fans are people who just want to be there. The ones who are willing to camp out or wait in line, in the rain or in the cold

DO Say, in an angry huff, “12 seed over a 5 again? Seriously?

THIS HAPPENS EVERY FUCKING YEAR.” Call out the douchebag who has 20 different brackets in his pocket before he brags about picking the winning-team over everybody else. Stop him. Now. Call your friends at other schools just to make them listen to the rowdy crowd.

Peck the elderly man or woman next to you when the Kiss Cam comes around.

Apply ‘Cuse-themed temporary tattoos. You won’t have another chance until your company softball game, and even then, it’s a little weird.

DON'T • • • • •

Get so drunk you celebrate a free throw with free throw up.

Say it’s a good year for upsets.

Make any jokes with “Otto” and “seeds” as the punch line Drunkenly tongue thrash the nearest person when the Kiss For all of you with a craving for bed Cam comes around. activities other than sex, make an effort Cut your Home to the Dome shirt so your bra shows. Your to take control of your sleep with lucid titty-cradle distracts the players, and you have to dreaming techniques.

It’llbe becold. the best BDSM relationship you’ll ever have.

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NOISE

NOISE Sometimes, sexual innuendos and in-your-face cheers bring bleacher dialogue to the next level.

Steal it, feel it, take it away move that ball the other way.

Let it roll around the rim, Then stick it up and go right in.

Shake it high, shake it low In your hoop our ball will go.

We don’t mean to make you cry, But Otto’s gonna make you die.

2-4-6-8 Chancy don’t appreciate.

THE UNDERDOGS Forget the sweaty men with bulging, gleaming, biceps. Once the balls in the net, we're focused on the true MVPs—team mascots. These eight are a few of the good, the bad, and the straight-up bizzare of the NCAA. Gael Force One, St. Marys

Fabio doesn't just sell butter — he leads teams.

D'Artagnan, Xavier

He'll tickle his opponents to death.

Jack Rabbit, South Dakota State

Buggs Bunny's reject, stoner cousin.

1. Ticketcity.com

Embrace the sketch, and snag a seat.

Sorted by conference, team, and tournament—this site is "I’m wasted at a tailgate and still need a ticket"-proof.

Big Al, University of Alabama

Save your vodka money and head here for the "cheapest tickets online."

3. Empiretickets.com Leave the sketch behind with super easy navigation and the only site with an actual app.

4. Seatgeek.com The name tells it all—buy tickets with the most effective design and site interactivity that even an iSchool kid might approve of.

5. Vividseats.com Sick of navigating altogether? Vivid provides users with just a search bar—type it in and cross your fingers.

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Butt chin or potential pickaxe?

You decide.

Elephants are totally native to Alabama, right?

2. Dollystickets.com

Monte, University of Montana

Prospector Pete, Long Beach State

Hey Reb, Univeristy of Nevada

Yosemite Sam wants his mustache back.

A grizzle bear wearing a bandana —instant badass.

Hook 'Em Texas, University of Texas

Save a horse, ride a man in a plush bull suit.

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REWIND

5 Nancies = Kick Ass—This is what they make Sliders to.

4 Nancies = Good—An essential tune for your Flip Night soundtrack.

3 Nancies = Average—Just like an English degree.

2 Nancies = Bad—First in line for next year's Block Party.

1 Nancy = God Awful—Try it out at your next sorority mixer.

THE JOY FORMIDABLE

DUCKTAILS

Wolf’s Law

The Flower Lane

TOP TRACK: “TENDONS”

TOP TRACK: “UNDER COVER”

BOTTOM TRACK: “SILENT TREATMENT”

BOTTOM TRACK: “PLANET PHROM”

Known for their hard rock and shoegaze-inspired

If you don’t appreciate alternative sub-genres,

riffs, The Joy Formidable surprises with an album

Ducktails’s new album may require some dissecting.

representing a change in direction. Decidedly more

The distant layers of flowing guitar riffs and muffled

eclectic than the band’s usual sound, Wolf’s Law

lyrics conjure daydreams of summer afternoon

spans everything from techno beats to atmospheric

picnics, reminiscent of its title, The Flower Lane.

instrumentation. While their last albums were

The retro simplicity in “Timothy Shy”—heavy with

exercises in quintessential post-punk, this one swells

maracas—almost passes for background music

to new heights, particularly with the album closer

in a commercial starring Zooey Deschanel. The

“The Turnaround,” a nearly 10-minute rock orchestra

album picks up during “Under Cover,” with disco

accompanied by sweeping violins and the trancelike

guitar, layers of synth, poppy symbols, and an

vocals of lead singer Ritzy Bryan. Tracks such as

overwhelmingly pleasant horn solo. Although The

“This Ladder Is Ours” hint at the album’s underlying

Flower Lane lacks vocal energy, the disjointed riffs

themes of shaping one’s own destiny, and verses

offer strange comfort: perfect drowsy study music.

from “Cholla” showcase the band’s moodier sound.

Albeit repetitive on some tracks, Wolf’s Law should ultimately appeal to both die-hard fans of the band, as well as new listeners.

—Angela Damachi

BLUE HAWAII Untogether

Illustration by Jane McCurn

FOXYGEN

—Frieda Projansky

BASSEKOU KOUYATÉ & NGONI BA Jama Ko

WE ARE THE 21ST CENTURY AMBASSADORS OF PEACE AND MAGIC TOP TRACK: “SAN FRANCISCO”

TOP TRACK: “TRY TO BE”

BOTTOM TRACK: “OH NO”

We Are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace & Magic, the sophomore release

by California natives Foxygen, echoes times you can’t actually identify. Songs like “No Destruction” tip their hat to Rolling Stones-esque rock, while tracks like “In the Darkness” sound more like the dream pop Beach House with a touch of disco influence. The tracks themselves border on schizophrenic, with contradictory elements and phrases that switch around with no warning. One song might be a slow but soulful ballad while the next track jumps to a disco-paced dance vibe, melting back into sap fare such as “Shuggie.” Though tricky to pull off, multiinstrumentalists Jonathan Rado and Sam France somehow manage to get that retro sound right. Overall, Foxygen delivers a little black dress in an album form —vintage, classic, and always relevant.

—Reina Shinohara

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TOP TRACK: "JAMA KO"

BOTTOM TRACK: “FALMMARION”

BOTTOM TRACK: “POYE”

Blue Hawaii’s Untogether takes listeners to the front

Bassekou Kouyaté’s third album Jama Ko, released

row of a house concert, but instead of molly-fueled

on Out Here Records, mingles the strings of the

DJs, these tracks seem the creation of nymphs—with

traditional Malian ngoni with a bluesy sound and rock

synthesizers and a loaded bass system, of course.

‘n’ roll rhythm. Each song lives with a pulse that,

Lofty fairy-like voices carry the album to a near

much like Nigerian Fela Kuti’s afrobeat, urges the

dream state, but tracks like “Follow” and “Sierra”

listener to dance. The album opens in a kaleidoscope

lack any build up with seemingly arbitrary beat

of complex rhythms melting into the velvety voice

placement. Others like “Try to Be” and “Daisy”

of Amy Sacko. The sound resembles pure Dionysian

climax with graceful beat bumps. Still, these ethereal

exaltation that carries and metamorphoses in

synths come across as just that—a fresh take on

surprising ways throughout the rest of the album,

techno. Great for a modern lullaby, but nothing

resulting in an array of joyful strings and melodic

electrifying.

power illustrated by a Malian master.

—Kelly Peters

—Camille Fantasia

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AMPLIFIED AMPLIFIED

THE LOWDOWN ON THE GET DOWN WITH HAVANA HAZEL

SEX

MEMBERS: Andy Gruhin

ACTIVE SINCE: 2007

SOUND: Modern rock edge with lyrics similar to what you'd find in the more singerwongwriter vein of artists.

By Derek Kitch : Photo by Sarah Kinslow

SOUNDS LIKE: “John Mayer who wants to punch you in the face.”

WHAT THEY JERK TO: Raised on Bruce Springsteen, Gruhin’s modern favorites include Say Anything, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, as well as progressive metal bands like Periphery.

BEST SONG: “Cobweb Kid” WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN: With tight, hard-rocking sounds and incredibly catchy hooks, Gruhin explores ideas in his lyrics normally found in other singer-songwriter type artists.

HOW HE STARTED: Gruhin started playing guitar at 17 after a breakup. He had a lot of anger issues, but instead of smashing the guitar, he began writing songs.

Four years later, he’s still at it.

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Andy Gruhin WHERE YOU CAN LISTEN: Gruhin’s Facebook page can direct you to everywhere his music is available, including his new EP Cobwebs, available on Bandcamp.

UNLIKEY SOURCE OF INSPIRATION: Gruhin reads Shakespeare, watches old movies such as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and looks up to iconic actors such as Steve McQueen and James Dean.

SONGWRITING SECRETS: Before sitting down to write, he eats a big bowl of Pho, a Vietnamese noodle-based soup, and drinks Maker’s Mark whiskey to put him in the perfect songwriting mindset. JM

Dear Havana, My boyfriend is a candy fiend. He’s especially obsessed with red Skittles and recently he mentioned to me that he would love to nibble the cherry-flavored chew out of my hoo-haa.

There’s such a huge chance that it could get lost. What if he can’t find it?

Dear Havana, Recently I’ve been waking up in a bed full of sticky sheets. At first I thought my massive Saint Bernard had been drooling on my bed, but now I’m not so sure—I haven’t woken up with morning wood in a few weeks. Is it possible that I’m jacking off in my sleep?

Dear Taste the Rainbow,

Dear Morning Glory,

Although your boyfriend may find the idea of playing trick-or-treat with your va-jay-jay intriguing, I have to admit that I can see where your concerns are coming from.

Though everyone enjoys a sweet treat every now and again, I think that sucking a Skittle out of your womanly bits could end poorly.

However, I do like his thought process. When it comes to sex, sweet licks are the new black. Everyone wants to find some way to make sex tastier.

For this particular situation, however, I strongly suggest avoiding a sugar-infused vagina. Another sweet alternative is flavored body paint or lube. Trace a line down your stomach and include an “X marks the spot” so he knows just were you want him to wind up.

If he can’t live without munching his favorite candy during foreplay though, have him place the Skittles on different parts of your body and slowly lick his way across your womanly wonderland. This way, you can have some tasty fun without the chance of vaginal contamination. Or a missing Skittle.

Yes! It is entirely possible that you’re jacking off whilst in dreamland. It is known as ‘sexsomnia’ or ‘sleepsex’. While uncommon, it’s not completely unheard of. While you’re sleeping, you’re completely unaware of what you’re doing. Even after you wake up you will have no recollection of your masturbatory tendencies.

And while this is relatively harmless for you, if you ever find a lady in your bed, your wet dream may become a big wet mess. Not only will her catching you jerking the turkey in your sleep practically ensure there won’t be another date, it’ll also make it harder to engage in morning sex. If you’ve already released a half an hour before, it’ll be harder to get your cock to cock-a-doodle-doo when the sun rises.

So please don’t let this habit go on for too much longer without any treatment. It can be important to seek help for a healthcare provider. Why? Because in some cases, nonconsensual sex has been initiated while the dreamer is unaware of his or her actions.

If you wonder, you could contract a sexual disease without even knowing it—our Saint Bernard could be in serious danger.

I wish you the best of luck. Sweet dreams Send your sexual conundrums to sex@jerkmagazine.net

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SYNAPSE

speakeasy

Cannibalism This spring marks the 166th anniversary of The Donner Party, a group of 87 pioneers who, trapped by a blizzard, resorted to cannibalism.

Over a century and a half later, America’s fascination with the maneating travesty lives on. Take Ke$ha’s chart topping 2010 album and the magical makeup on The Walking Dead—only a few of the face-eating trends done right. In dishonor of the age-old ritual, devour a few other grotesque options to satisfy your pop culture hunger this month.

FILM: We Are What We Are

MUSIC: AWOLNATION

Acquired at Sundance by eOne Distribution, the

More than just a one-hit wonder after the

Mexican horror remake generated buzz and

commercially syndicated “Sail,” one-man band

critical acclaim the moment it screened. The film

AWOLNATION combines slick electronica with

takes a chilling and methodical look at two

pop sensibilities. With a spring 2013 tour well

sisters trapped by their rural family’s

under way, Aaron Bruno’s outfit takes the newly

cannibalistic traditions. Directed by Jim Mickle,

penned “Cannibals” with him for tour audiences

We Are What We Are hits the circuit this year.

only. AWOLNATION performs at Niagara Falls’ The Rapids Theatre on March 24.

TELEVISION: Under the Dome

THEATER: Last Summer

The king of creep returns to prime-time

The classic Tennessee Williams tale runs at

television with this post-apocalyptic adaptation

Syracuse’s Jazz Central Theater from March 8-23

of his 2009 science fiction novel. With casting

on Fridays and Saturdays. This one-act play

under way, the Steven Spielberg-produced

tracks Catharine Holly’s dwindling state of mind

summer series will follow the small town of

and reveals the truth about her brother’s

Chester’s Mill after it becomes encapsulated by

mysterious death. Think American Horror Story

an invisible dome, cutting its residents off from

live—minus Adam Levine. Grab tickets now at

society. Originally titled The Cannibals in print,

the CNY Jazz Arts Foundation for $20.

Feeling “Whiskey Bent and Hell Bound” over your allergies this spring? Well, Jerk wants to surprise you with a special kind of flower—the kind that, say, bartends at Chuck’s and Daisy Dukes. It’s time to pay our overdue appreciation for the man that serves us more drinks than we can remember.

By Kenneth Jones : Photo by Ilana Goldmeier Flower, we have to know, what’s your favorite?

My favorite flower is a gerbera daisy. I used to be a florist—that’s how I got the name.

How many T-shirts do you own?

Close to a thousand, probably. I have bins at my mother’s house she’s begging me to take to the Salvation Army. I’d say 75 to 80 percent are all just black, but my closet is just compiled of T-shirts. I go through them everyday, and I’m like, “Wow I’ve never even worn this shirt before.”

Have you thought about bartending like the lovely ladies in Coyote Ugly?

I don’t know how good I’d look in short shorts, but I’ll get on the bar if there’s some pretty ladies that want me to. I won’t shake my ass, but I’ll throw some shots down their throats if that’s what they like.

Is there a record for riding the bull?

Yes, the record is “topless is the best way.”

You, topless?

Hey, whatever floats your fancy—I’m not really into that. I have ridden the bull, actually, but I don’t anymore. Once, twice, three times is enough.

What’s your best bar story?

I’ve seen girls with miniskirts get on the bull with no underwear on. It’s like, you

knew you were going to get on that bull when you came out tonight, and yet you decided to wear a miniskirt with no underwear. Some people just don’t care.

What actions will never get you served?

Snapping, banging on the bar, calling me, saying “hey” or “yo.” Basically being rude or waving money in my face. People have to understand that everyone comes in all at once, and you have to be patient. I’m not your pet, don’t snap or bang at me, or whistle. It’s just rude.

Words of wisdom from behind the bar?

Continue to come to Chuck’s. Keep on doing what you’re doing and continue to be good people. Keep your face out of your cellphones and talk to each other more than you do. Generation cellphone-face is getting kind of old. When you’re at the bar, talk to the bartender, talk to the people around you. You can tweet and text and Facebook later. That’s it. JM

the series premieres this summer on CBS.

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DISCOVERSYR Coleman’s

100 S. Lowell Ave

Tucked away on Tipperary Hill, this pub offers more than just the luck o’ the Irish.

By Emmie Martin : Photos by Ilana Goldmeier Between a large Celtic cross and the world’s only upside-down traffic light lies a pub that welcomes humans and little green men alike. Complete with a tiny leprechaun door and miniature telephone booth, Coleman’s, an authentic Irish pub on Tipperary Hill, feels like a slice of Dublin. Merry Irish music plays as pub-goers drink and chat, surrounded by dark wood paneling and stained-glass windows of Celtic symbols. While most visitors admire the leprechaun entryway, some quasi-criminals have stolen the miniature door, which costs more than its full-sized replica.

“Oh, this building takes a beating,” laughs Adrian Nugent, Coleman’s general manager, who has worked there since emigrating from Ireland 26 years ago.

Originally a grocery store, the Coleman family converted the building into a bar in 1933 at the end of Prohibition and still operate the place today. The pub’s notoriety isn't confined to Syracuse though, boasting visitors that range from

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a former Speaker of the House to an Irish Prime Minister.

For locals, Coleman’s is the go-to spot for St. Patrick’s Day. Festivities begin with the annual shipment of green beer three weeks before the holiday (an occasion marked by a neighborhood-wide parade).

And it’s never too early to get drunk at Coleman’s: stop by the pub as early as 6 a.m. on St. Patty’s Day, but prepare to wait in a line of over 200 people.

On a typical Thursday night, simple guitar chords fill the air as a live band warms up. Customers huddle in booths and around barstools, bantering with fellow patrons. A gentleman wearing a gray bowler hat and tie emblazoned with clocks approaches two random women in the corner. “Is it your first time here?” he asks before delving into stories about Syracuse’s history. As he walks away, the woman smiles at her friend—every Irish pub has its regulars. “It’s all about the people here,” Nugent says. “They keep this place going.” JM

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FORM&FUNCTION

How to Dress for Syracuse Weather

Broken umbrella: Gone with the wind.

Iced beverage: Cold air, don’t care.

Ridiculous layering: Zero to 60 degrees in one class.

Inappropriate evening wear: Why wear tights when you have leg hair?

Hunter boots: Gumby Chic.

Photo by Greg Babcock Model: Emma Smelkinson

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"Water" bottle: A warm winter blanket.

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