Issue34 by Jack Swan

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Editorial 12 Months With Monk What The Fans Think Pictures Of The Month Move Away Plastic Jack Exclusive Spoof What the Fans Think Jokes By Spense Picture Quiz Academy Round-up Jokes By Spense Guide For Away Fans Guide To Amsterdam Boring Boring Swansea More From Spense Vital Information Race To Player Of The Year Mind Puzzles

Run Up To Election

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82: 88: 92: 94: 96: 98:

6 72

68: 72

Jack swan Eats Food The Secret Breakfasteer Even More Jokes By spense Pub For Kids Parentless Parenting Quiz Answers

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The Swans are in freefall!! We are a disgrace, the manager is clueless the board are getting some Yanks in to pocket some quick dosh and it is all falling apart!! We are smug, we haven’t got enough points on the board yet and can easily be dragged into a relegation scrap unless we pick up some points really soon! Alarm bells are ringing!! Listen to them!!!!! I have said in the past that timing is really important while putting this monthly magazine together and many of you may have agreed with these comments had this gone to print a week earlier. Thankfully, I write this after the Man United game and not after the West Brom game and we have the best young manager in Europe, our majestic board have told the Yanks where they can go (with some help from the supporters trust) and we are celebrating a double over a club that used to be good. It is hard to get our head around a ‘double over United’. There are new milestones which we reach every season but the real bizarre one about this is that it wasn’t really a shock. Neither result was unthinkable, I actually expected us to win the home game, where next? It’s a good omen and I’m hopeful of finishing the season on a high after that performance and hoping that we can all sit back and relax a bit and fully appreciate where we are as a club right now! It would be great if we could all just chill; let Monk do what he thinks best and save any slagging off until November next season if its required then.

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It is a funny game though, and so much can change with a kick of the ball (or a brush of the head in this case). I was shouting all sorts at the gaffa before we scored the winner against United, I am generally chuffed with him but I couldn’t understand why Montero didn’t come on twenty minutes earlier. The game was getting away from us and a

change HAD to be made. Had we of conceded, I’d have been furious and I’d of had a pop or two at him, although not quite as much as the opening paragraph. As it is, Monk was right! (although he was in fact wrong!) I do hope that people start to get off the back of Gomis as we have a few ‘free’ months to give him a chance. We can experiment, we can look at players and really try and gel before next season without there being any pressure and we can potentially get this man firing and be in a really strong position for next season. He isn’t Wilf, he doesn’t hold the ball up as well but then Wilf wasn’t Michu and we didn’t like that about him at first. I have recycled a feature from a previous issue where I asked fans what they thought of Bony after a couple of months of him being here, there are a lot of similarities to what people are now saying about Gomis. Give him time and I’m confident that we can have a different quality striker. He looks hungry, he works hard, let’s send him some love! Players like to be loved! I hope you enjoy this issue. It is as jam packed as ever. We continue to look for ways to improve the magazine and I continue to hope for feedback. Don’t be scared to get in touch with ideas or just to slag me off :)

Cheers.

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12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� The Best 5 things Monk has done over these twelve months!

Organising and pulling side together at back end of last season There are good jobs and there are bad jobs in football. Timing is everything. Taking over from the right manager at the right time can make a poor manager look great. Taking over from the wrong manager at the wrong time can make the best of managers look poor. For me, this is the first time in over a decade where the managerial post at Swansea had the real potential to leave a stain on a managerial CV. What was appealing about the job? We were in freefall, the team were disjointed. Completely unorganised, there was no heart in the side at all, the leading goal scorer of the previous season looked disinterested and was out injured. The transfer window had closed. There were too many points on the board for a new manager to earn the right to say that they ‘kept the Swans up’ but they certainly run the risk of being the one to ‘take them down’. The job wasn’t particularly appealing and to the outside world our board had just ousted the man who created Swansea City Football Club.

Within ten days of the managerial change, we have picked up a valuable four points which puts us back on course for safety and we also batter some soon to be relegated mugs from up the M4. With the exception of Tony Pullis, I can’t think of many other managers who could have done this. I firmly believe that we would have lost both of those games under the Dane and relegation would have been staring us right in the face, plus Welsh bragging rights would have shifted east and who knows? They may have stayed up at our expense!

I bang on about the West Ham performance (Laudrups last game) but I have never seen a side so tactically inept as that game. We played against a ‘lump it up there’ team and we ticked every single box as how not to play against a team like that. Seven days later, we play against another ‘lump it up there side’ and win 3-0. Four days after that, we play the experts at ‘lump it up there’ and pick up our first point at the Britannia since our promotion.

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name. You can have as many international caps as you like but you start on the bench until you earn your right to wear the shirt! This was a gutsy, brave and brilliant thing to do and for me is the single most important thing that Monk has done over his twelve months.

The signing of Gomis, a French international with the attitude and agent to go with it (we’ve learned this since) was a great coo for the club. Being able to attract players like this who were out of contract and attracting interest from a host of clubs from all over Europe was a big step for little old Swansea and the player, us fans, media and parts of France were waiting in anticipation to see him in action. I wrote in this magazine, before the season starts that we will inevitably have to end up playing 4-4-2 as we cannot keep Gomis and Bony happy with a 4-5-1. The problem with this was always going to be Siggy. He can’t play in the middle of a 4-4-2 (I come to this later) and he’s too good to be forced out wide. However, the easy decision was to go 4-4-2 and put Siggy wide. Put our best eleven players on the pitch and keep media and fans happy, it is always a good way to keep your job or at the very least, keep your popularity.

Fencing To my surprise our rookie manager had the balls to Decking say to Bony and Gomis ‘we play 4-5-1, only one of you can play, you better play well if not your out’! I Panels & Trellis think it is easy to underestimate the importance of this move. In this one move, he made himself the Security Fencing boss but he also made Swansea City the boss. He made the badge something of honour. We don’t Gates change our style, our way, our philosophy for any Sheds Turf & Top Soil Decorative Agregates Old & New Sleepers Plus Much More INSTALLATION SERVICE AVAILABLE

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12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Keeping with 4-5-1

I don’t think many of you will agree with this as one of his ‘great achievements’ but it signifies a lot to me. A lot about his confidence in himself and the teams realization that he is the man: he is the boss, he isn’t some extended version of the first team.

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(Jmanagers. (Just ustoffoff roundabout) roundabout) The way we shape up has always created Under Laudrup we were sexy but we were also easy to beat. Kick us a bit, launch the ball in our box and the chance to beat the sides with flair, the likes of Arsenal and Man United who attack and leave gaps there is a pretty good chance that you will come away with three points. This game changed that. are ideal. Laudrup had success here, Brendan only had a third of the ball throughout the before him and I imagine that Martinez has had France V Wales - Crimson Tide. We game and yet Everton managed 3 shots on target. some joyous memories from Arsenal and Liverpool and such teams while at Wigan. Our philosophy It was this approach which got us three points at St was made to shock these sides. Wales V Ireland - Panic Station. Marys this month. Dogged, keep a clean sheet, But one of the few things that you can guarantee in work together and we get our rewards. Football isn’t always pretty but sometimes you have to scrap football Everton-will always beat Swansea at ItalyisVthat Wales Expecting Company and work and this is exactly what we did here. Goodison park.. It is as certain as spelling and

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They always do, they always have. I’m not putting this in here for the simple fact that a record has been broken; records will always be broken but this performance showed a different tact, a different approach. It showed that we have the ability to work like a dog. We can fight for each other, we can defend in two banks of four and we can make life difficult for our opponents.

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10 12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Everton 0 -0 Swansea Not winning at old Trafford? Beating Arsenal? No! We had similar results under our previous managers. The way we shape up has always created the chance to beat the sides with flair, the likes of Arsenal and Man United who attack and leave gaps are ideal. Laudrup had success here, Brendan before him and I imagine that Martinez has had some joyous memories from Arsenal and Liverpool and such teams while at Wigan. Our philosophy was made to shock these sides. But one of the few things that you can guarantee in football is that Everton will always beat Swansea at Goodison park.. It is as certain as spelling and grammar mistakes in Jack Swan magazine, As shocking ITV punditry no matter who they bring in and a never ending comedy at Cardiff City Football Club.

Swansea with a hard core. We haven’t mastered the hard core with a sexy exterior yet but I believe this is what we are working towards. Under Laudrup we were sexy but we were also easy to beat. Kick us a bit, launch the ball in our box and there is a pretty good chance that you will come away with three points. This game changed that. We only had a third of the ball throughout the game and yet Everton managed 3 shots on target. It was this approach which got us three points at St Marys this month. Dogged, keep a clean sheet, work together and we get our rewards. Football isn’t always pretty but sometimes you have to scrap and work and this is exactly what we did here.

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12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Signings

It is hard to know who signs who and how much praise should go to Monk for acquiring certain players but our transfers since his arrival have been fantastic.

for his work here but if we are willing to praise Laudrup for Michu or Bony then we have to give some element of praise to Monk for our signings under his stewardship.

Fabaianski has been a fantastic signing and Federico Fernandez looks the real deal. Even if Monk had nothing to do with any of these, those There are still some question marks about Gomis but signing a player on a free (even though he gets who said previously ‘who would want to play for billions of pounds signing on fee by the sound of it) Monk’ have gone away. As if footballers chose their destination purely on the footballing prowess of who is attracting bids of upwards of ten million pound (eligibly) before he’s got up and running, is a the manager. pretty decent start. If I was to do this:Montero looks a real talent. It shows how our scouting network has progressed as we signed him from a Mexican club for an undisclosed fee believed to be in the region of a bargain. Siggy was another one. I think we all praise Sir Huw

Fabianski, Taylor, Fernadez, Williams, Naughton, Ki, Shelvey, Siggy, Routledge, Little Jeff, Gomis then most of you would probably see that as our best eleven. Note that 6 of them are now signings coming in the last twelve months! If that’s not your best eleven. I bet its one of the other 5 you change!

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Williams Contract Extension Oh how short our memories are. It was no coincidence that Williams committed his future to the club shortly after Monk was confirmed as manager. The captain of Wales is our most important player and getting him to sign that contract was a huge step into securing our Premier League status this season but also for the next few seasons. It is always difficult to understand what paper talk is genuine and which isn’t and it could be that Arsene Wenger isn’t the keen admirer that we think he is but I’d be amazed if there wasn’t a top club looking at our captain. He has consistently been one of the top centre halfs in the Premier League. His performance against Southampton was the best defensive display I have seen this season and he’s added organisation and motivation to his game which is clearly missed when he isn’t there. The relationship between the former centre back partners is clear for us all to see. The respect that they have for one another is incredibly healthy at any football club. And it was this mutual respect which convinced the former Stockport player to sign on the dotted line and give us the rest of his career.

Lets also remember that Bony extended his contract over this time. Both players clearly felt like the club are going places with Monk at the helm. It is one thing being able to convince players to come to a club, it is a greater compliment if you can convince players who know you ‘warts and all’ to stay.

12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Williams Contract Extension

Oh how short our memories are. It was no coincidence that Williams committed his future to the club shortly after Monk was confirmed as manager. The captain of Wales is our most important player and getting him to sign that contract was a huge step into securing our Premier League status this season but also for the next few seasons.

It is always difficult to understand what paper talk is genuine and which isn’t and it could be that Arsene Wenger isn’t the keen admirer that we think he is but I’d be amazed if there wasn’t a top club looking at our captain. He has consistently been one of the top centre halfs in the Premier League. His performance against Southampton was the best defensive display I have seen this season and he’s added organisation and motivation to his game which is clearly missed when he isn’t there. The relationship between the former centre back partners is clear for us all to see. The respect that they have for one another is incredibly healthy at any football club. And it was this mutual respect which convinced the former Stockport player to sign on the dotted line and give us the rest of his career.

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Monks Worse Moments over the last year Team selection against Chelsea know that he had limited options but this was a

It is always easy to see things with hindsight but it seemed pretty obvious that we had lost our home match with the ‘to-be champions’ before we had kicked a ball. Playing any Jose Mouriho side is incredibly difficult with a fully fit squad and we can certainly partly excuse Monk because of the amount of players which he had out. No Ki, Shelvely, Britton made the midfield options limited and it was always going to be an extra struggle with Bony off with the African Cup of Nations. The inclusion of Tiendalli can be overlooked. Rangel had recently put in an incredibly pedestrian performance against Adam Lalana and the prospect of him facing Eden Hazard was, well a hazard at best (I’m sue I’m the first genius to do that!). What seemed totally unexplainable was his decision to bring Siggy deep and put Olivera in the hole. This left us with our Icelandic play maker and Tom Carroll facing Matic, Fabrigas and any one of Oscar, William or Hazzard drifting in the middle. For me, this was Monks poorest decision to date. I

particularly poor one to choose. I’m a huge fan of siggy. He is our best player but only in his preferred position. Is he our best central midfielder? Nowhere near! He isn’t a Premier League central midfielder, let alone someone who is capable of mixing it up with the likes of Matic. I struggle to believe that we don’t have better centre midfielders in the under 15s that Siggy: this isn’t having a go at the boy, it isn’t where he plays, he doesn’t understand the role, the positioning, the importance of the ‘first tackle’, this is the engine room, where the real dirty and unnoticed things go on and it isn’t for him. He should be kept at his preferred position. He is a threat there. We must play our best player in his best position and he really got this awfully wrong. Jordi Amat has played that centre midfield role, Futon was fit (as fair as I know) and Josh Sheehan is more than capable of playing there (although he plays in the hole for under 21s).

The performance and result was clearly poor that day and we obviously don’t know what would have happened if we had of chosen better team selection but that was a poor day for Monk

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18 12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Brendan Outthinking him He’s put in some decent performances against his old managers but he got totally out thought in this game. Again, it is hard to knock a manager too much for losing at Anfield but the first half had an inevitability about it and Monk was unable to mix things about and change shape as needed. Just like Van Gal, our former manager seems to enjoy confusing the world with some bizarre formations but the one employed against us that day really hurt us from the first whistle. They played with really wide and aggressive wing backs who were almost given a free role at times. They got in between our wingers and full backs and neither picked them up time and time again and it was really disappointing that no change came from the bench. The opening goal from Liverpool was coming and it was no surprise that it came from Moreno who was operating in the left wing back position. He picked

up the ball in that area in between Taylor and Routledge shifted it inside and ran into our box with nobody following him and finished the move with nobody marking him. It was a poor goal to concede at any time but we had over half an hour of warnings and we kept to the same tactic which was clearly failing. The other goals in the game were awful individual errors, Fabianski, Rangel and Shelvey all capping off a really poor day but we can’t lay any blame at Monk for these goals but the first one was disappointing as it was a goal which ‘Brendan scored’, it was one where the formation which he employed had the better of our man. In fairness, it is difficult to know what he should have changed but I’m not being paid to sit in that seat. I get the luxury of sitting in my seat and moan about someone who is doing a far better job than I could dream of. While I’m on the subject, how useless are doctors!!!

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20 12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Carroll Once More It was a slight improvement to how we dealt with West Ham and Andy Carroll under the Laud: But only slight! Thankfully, he didn’t employ the sit deep and invite Andy Carroll into the 6 yard box tactic as we did last season but there was still an awful lot wrong with how we approached the game.

went through a stage where we conceded 3 goals in 5 games directly from a corner and that was the type of thing that I expected Monk to stamp out. Organisation was his forte on the pitch and he made huge strides in setting us out right in the first few month but we seemed to have gone backwards, especially through December time.

I still don’t know whether Bartley was asked to man mark the big man but although that seemed the obvious move, it wasn’t done well if it was the plan. Williams clearly hates playing him, so much so that I would be really tempted not to play him in our next encounter. But the real issue came out wide. We invited crosses into the box. Their full backs overlapped and our wingers never came with them and it is asking for trouble with the Geordiemans stature in the box. It was made all the worse for me as we

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12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� No Full Backs Coming in

Discipline

It was plainly obvious to many of us that we were short a full back over the summer and it was pretty clear that we were two short. I was surprised that we didn’t get Naughton in the back then: It seemed to be an obvious deal. Both Jenkins and Levy are renowned as difficult negotiators and it could be that that was one deal too far but either way, we shouldn’t have started our season with Rangel and Taylor as first choice and we really shouldn’t have started it with Tiendalli and Jazz as second choice.

The buck stops with the gaffa! I wrote in this magazine a few issues ago about how I was slightly pleased that we were picking up reds and showing some passion. Passion?????

It is always difficult to complain about lack of signings because I’m totally unaware of who we chased, how close we got and it could be that we were unlucky or maybe that I’m pointing the finger at the wrong person but I genuinely think its cost us a European place this season. Taylor and Rangel have both been awful at times. I hate to say it but its been clear for everyone to see. I saw a stat a few games ago which said that Fabianski has made more catches and made more punches than any other keeper. Fantastic people said. I said that it sounded like a lot of crosses are coming in the box and they are! We have been weak there all season and its really disappointing that we didn’t at least have Naughton back in August. Very quickly: I actually thought that Taylor has raised his game slightly of late. It could be that I’m giving Monk massive praise for keeping by Taylor when I’m writing the 2 year review.

What was I thinking? Its been pathetic at times. Really stupid bookings, really stupid reds and at really bad times in matches as well. It is true that some have been harsh and I do think t hat we have had the bad rub of the green all season really but at the same time, we have brought it on ourselves somewhat as well. It is hard for a manager to get the right balance between getting players pumped up and keeping a level head but I don’t think this is the real issue. I haven’t seen many bookings or reds where a player has been too hyped early on or after the half-time talk. What I have seen is ill-discipline. Stupid lapses of concentration where a player picks up a soft second yellow. Frustrated and reckless tackles. Its just pathetic and I’d be keen to know what happens in the changing room after the game. Is Monk screaming at Siggy and docking him a weeks wages? I don’t know and I don’t know what is normal and what should happen but what I do know is that we have thrown away points and a cup run because of this and if it continues for another 6-12 months then it will become a serious issue and it has the potential to put his job in jeopardy.

12 M�n�h� �i�� M�� Overall

I think he had done a really great job. I think the club are in a far healthier position now than what we were twelve months ago. The players at the club seem to have some affiliation to the club, they seem like they want to be here. Generally, we are a lot more difficult to beat. There is a section of the fans that seem to think that we have lost our footballing identity, that we don’t have that easy on the eye style anymore and I can understand parts of this. We are clearly a lot more direct. We don’t play possession football for the sake of it but I don’t think this is a bad thing. Our sexy football was always in the final third in my eyes. The quick passes which would break through a defence is what I have always really enjoyed watching and I think we still do this and would argue that Siggy is far more creative than Michu was when he played in that role. I think our game plan is to get into that final third quicker. Stop a lot of the sideways passing that we got used to under Brendan but I do feel like this change came towards the later stages if Laudrup anyway. He still has stuff to learn, he isn’t the finished article but he is doing brilliantly well and will improve. Others call for an experienced manager and I struggle to understand this as well. Pep Guardiola is one of the most successful managers of all time and was threw into the deep end in Barcelona with no experience. He knew the club, knew the players, and knew football and that was enough. There are a lot of drawbacks with experienced managers, many are sceptical about change, many have their own way of doing things, their own style, it’s easy to say that we want one but we haven’t had one for over a decade and we have done pretty well. I like what he says, I like when he criticises, I like how demanding he is, I like how he sticks up for players yet is generally honest and straight talking. It is a big six to 8 months for Monk although that can be said for any manager. He clearly has a good working relationship with both the board and the players and that is a massive bonus for any manager. I think he is doing great and I expect him to continue to do so.

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H�� Ha� M�� d�� c��p��e� t� y�� ecta�i�n�? John 'Jack' Aldron Still very good, Right now is a very important stage in his managerial career. He needs to make sure our football doesn't become bland and ineffective like with Laudrup before he left. Against WBA we were just passing the ball sideways and not being direct enough. We need to mix things up a bit to stop becoming too predictable. Losing the Gylfi & Bony combo hasn't helped him lately to be fair. Mike Dauria Monk has done very well and he'll be the first to admit the job is a lot harder than he thought, we are 9th in the premier league understandably we are a little shakey at the moment with players gone injured suspended he was I think the right choice to appoint and has made some good signings which still need time, big test for him from now to the end of the season to keep in the top half but he cant do it alone players got to take responsibility. Matthew Ambrose Tbh when he joined I was 50/50 on him but people can say he's out of his depth or whatever but fact is he's surprised a few this season taking down Juggernaut's like Arsenal and Man Utd and then in the window bringing in fabianski and siggy back. But on the other hand he show's his naivety in his subs and his team selections and also some things he says is downright frustrating. But these are mistake's we a rookie will make and we ain't in a bad spot is he done us proud

Simon 'Lofty' Thomas out of his depth either needs an experienced man from outside the club along side him or needs to go, the football we are playing is poor we can't seem to pass the ball at the minute we don't press the opposition when we lose the ball, we have got a quater of our total points from our first 3 games, if there aren't changes next season we will be right in the shit Ian Wishart Good manager but needs to be more of a manager and less of a mate to the players. Complacency is creeping into the squad. Needs an experienced number 2 an older head to help with plan b,c etc. We have no extras at the moment. Sarah J Raf He's doing ok, there are areas for improvement. We have over achieved with a inexperienced manager so actually judging him is very difficult. Was it his ability that got us of to a flying start? Was it the players after a summer off? Was it just luck? Who knows it's still very very early in terms of his managerial career, but I do agree that he needs some guidance moving forward. Was a 4 year deal too big? Maybe so. Can't see us getting relegated or entering a relegation scrap so he's done what he's been expected to do. On that note look at West ham there's talk of Big Sam going, footballs a funny old game. That's why I love it. I must add I'm not always entertained by our performances even when we win, are we a crowd that wants entertainment. Indeed. Tough times ATM for Monk.

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Far Right: Happy Birthday Gethin Tasker, who is 10 on 27th February and a happy 50th to Ceri Tasker on the 19th February. Enjoy the Man Utd game!!! Right: Matty and Ki compare jackets Below: Joe down under Below/right Few survie a stag weekend

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M�� Aw��!

As we reach the later months of the season, it is becoming increasingly clear that the only motivation our players have is to move to a bigger club. They have nothing to fight for here!!!! I can’t say that I was initially delighted to hear Monk talk about how Bony deserved his move away and that Gomis has to earn his move. It gave the impression that we are simply a ‘breeding ground’ and that we are a stepping stone, that we aren’t anyone’s preferred club of choice and although we all know this: I didn’t really want my club to admit to it.

Champions League places below that. The bottom eight or nine sides are fighting for their lives: these clubs and their players are giving everything to ensure that they play for a premier league side next season. Our crop know that they will be playing premier league football next season and they also know that they won’t be lifting a trophy this year, they won’t be playing European football next year and regardless

But the reality is that this is first of all obviously true and we would look foolish to hide from it but more importantly: we should embrace it! Wilfried Bony’s millions, Joe Allen’s monthly appearance in a Liverpool shirt and Scott Sinclair’s bench warming exercise at Man City brought more to the club than their financial deals. They give our current players motivation. It is bizarre and it seems like this issue is packed with me banging on about how we are a ‘mid-table side’ and the lack of excitement that goes with it but it’s true. And it is inevitably the same for the players. The top six or seven sides have real things to fight for: the title between the top two and then those

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of what happens over the next few months: their monthly pay cheque will continue to roll in: Their season is over: Nothing to play for whatsoever. That is the case if Swansea City football Club is all that they crave. If everything that they ever want out of football is here then why give 100% over the next few months? Why not take your foot of the gas and take an early vacation and start back properly in the close season? The sad reality is that the only REAL motivation our players have at this moment in time is that if they work their ass off, they could be the next Bony or Allen or Ben Davies. And this is what our own club are telling them! Because without that allure then they have nothing to seriously drive them on! In a few years time (maybe sooner) then we may be in with a chance for those champions’ league places, I still think that we have been incredibly close to it this season, probably two loan full backs away (Jenkinson & Bertrand) but until then, our only chance to get the most from our first team squad is to dangle the ‘big club’ carrot in from of their faces. The big transfer moves also brings the name Swansea City to Europe once again and will help us attract players; but again, on the understanding that we are a stepping stone to greatness.

Stepping Stone to Greatness Football to the players is a game of stepping stones and once again, we have progressed to the next stepping stone. We were once a stepping stone to Bristol City (Trundle) and then to Wigan, Bolton, Wolverhampton (Scotland, Pratley, Rickets, Some

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keeper) and then to Liverpool & Spurs (Allen, Vorm, Davies). I think its still pretty clear that we aren’t on the same stone as Liverpool or Spurs yet and some would say that we never will but we may have reached a stone where clubs like Liverpool, Arsenal and Spurs aren’t that tempting: especially when such a move will delay (if not prevent) any possible move to a really top club.

Stone 1: Greatness! Real Madrid, Barcelona, Bayern Munich, Chelsea, Man City

I’m going to have Liverpool and Man Utd fans writing in complaining about this but these stones seems pretty clear to me!

Stone 2: Liverpool, Man Utd, Spurs, Arsenal, Atletico Madrid, Paris St German, Juventus, AC Milan

That is how I currently see where we are in Europe’s stepping stone to greatness. If a side from Stone 1 want a player from stone 3 then they get him: simple as. If they want one from stone 2 then they also get him but pay well over the odds. Players at stone 3 would like to play for clubs at stone 2 but they really want to play for clubs at stone 1. They will move to stone 2 but they can also be talked into holding out for a move to stone 1, just as Bony did. In my eyes, stone 4 consists of Newcastle, West Ham, Stoke and you would be right in having a pop at me in saying that they are ‘bigger clubs’ than us. They clearly are! But this isn’t about ‘biggest clubs’ but about how to get to the top and Swansea City are becoming a great club to join to get to the top, not just for players but also for managers. Clubs like Newcastle aren’t renowned for nurturing and then releasing talent. In fact their record transfer sale was Jonathan Woodgate over a decade ago. Stoke City’s record is Tuncay at £4.5 million and so I don’t think that you could realistically say that these clubs are higher than us on the stepping stone to

Stone 3: Swansea, Everton, Borussia Dortmund Schalke 04, Internazionale, Galatasaray, Porto.

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greatness. The fantastic reality is that if you are a 22 year old with the talent and aspiration to play for Europe’s elite then Swansea is a perfect stone to jump on. Many are asking whether we can find the next Wilfried Bony but where else would the next Wilfried Bony want to go?

join to further your career, that has been the case for many years. The difference now is that we are the stepping stone to Europe’s elite and if that is what gets the best of our players then I’m happy with that!

Look at that list of Europe’s elite and genuinely ask yourself where would Wilfred Bony, at the time of his career when we signed him, have been better off going? If he had gone to stone 1 then he wouldn’t have played and would now be making his move to stone 3. If he had moved to stone 2 then he may have been able to get the odd game last season and may now just be starting to be a first team player but he is at least two years from a move to stone one and it will probably never happen. We have to embrace who we are, what our standing is in football: in Europe. Every good football club has a niche and ours is that we are a fantastic club to

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We at Jack Swan have always been right on the ball Soccer yeah! It’s a great game Soccer yeah! It’s a great game e at Jack Swan havebest always been right thebig ball and get into positions to askonthe questions nd get into best positions to ask the big questions Have you seen Swansea play many times? and we are delighted to announce that we have an Have you seenISwansea times?Bony leave as he nd we are delighted to announce that wenew haveinvestor an I have. was sad toplay see many that Wilfried exclusive interview with potential John I have. I was sad to see thatwas Wilfried leave xclusiveJay interview greatBony at both theas airhe raid and Moores.with I metpotential up with new our investor John was great at both the air raid and y Moores. I met up with our the air defence. I think Swansea are American friend in a ranch in Texas: the air defence. I think are merican friend in a ranch in Texas: good, could doSwansea with a top good, could do with aand topthen maybe they quarterback Why Swansea? quarterback and then they hy Swansea? could blitz themaybe defence and we’d I was looking for the right city in could blitz the adefence and we’d was looking for the right in enjoy blowout! the right place andcity Swansea enjoy a blowout! e rightseemed place and Swansea ideal. Cardiff Airport is emed great, ideal. Cardiff Airport is great flights Is Swansea City FC becoming well they have some Is Swansea Cityin FCTexas? becoming well eat, they have some flights known from there butgreat the city is a bit of a known in Texas? om there but the city is a bit of a s*ithole in truth and 40 minutes Of course not! Why would they? ithole in truththe and 40 minutes Of course not! Why would In they? Stupid question!! the U.S we like down road seemed a lot better. Stupid question!! In the U.S likeWe don’t own the road seemed a lot better. the biggest and thewe best. Plus there are a few McDonald, the biggest and best. We don’t us there are a Kings, few McDonald, have anythe interest in the 9th best Burger KFC’s: the food here is have anyteam interest in the 9th best cares for urger Kings, great.KFC’s: the food here is in England! Nobody eat. team in England! Nobody that sort of thing. cares for that sort of thing. Why Football? hy Football? So why do you care? Football?? So why do you care? ootball?? Because I met Mr Jenkins and I told Because I metthat Mr very Jenkins and I toldand do him same thing Soccer? him that very same thing and do occer?

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Total domination? Total domination? Oh yeah!! I want to see the Mighty Swans shirts all Oh yeah!! I want see the Mighty Swans shirts all over theto world. Mighty Swans stores opening in I don’t know what he said to you no. over the world. Mighty Swans stores opening in I don’t know what he said to you no. Texas, New York, LA, all over the world. He said ‘John’ and then he said ‘do you mind if I call He said ‘John’ and then said ‘doand yousaid mind if Ithat’s call my Texas, New York, LA, all over the world. you John’ and Ihe laughed ‘well you John’ and I laughed and said ‘well that’s my The ‘Mighty Swans’ is that our new name? name so you fire away!’ and so he went on: ‘John, we Swans’no. is that ourspoken new name? name soaren’t you fire andteam so heinwent on: ‘John, wethe bestThe ‘Mighty Technically But I’ve with Leigh with the theaway!’ 9th best England, we are Technically no. But I’ve spoken with with that the the aren’t theteam 9th best team in England, we are the best commercial side of it and weLeigh all agree in Wales!!!’ At that moment in time: I was in! You commercial side of it and we all agree that the team in Wales!!!’ At that moment in time: I was in! You Mighty Swans is the way to portray this mighty clu see, I can market that back home. Swansea City Mighty Swans the way to portray this mighty club see, I canFootball market Club, that back home. Swansea to the is world. Be mighty fine!! the greatest and the City biggest in Wales. to the world. Be mighty fine!! Football Shirts Club, the greatest and the biggest in Wales. will fly off the shelf. Shirts will fly off the shelf. There is a lot of caution among Swans fans with There isthis a lotinvestment, of caution among fans withthat? how doSwans you feel about Was it that easy? That quick? this investment, how do you feel about that? Was it that easy? That quick? We spoke for quite some time about the shirt. I Soccer fans are sheep! They blindly follow regardle We spoke for quite some top timeand about the shirt. areatsheep! Theyup blindly follow regardless. Look those folk the road in Cardiff. They said wanted a yellow ‘swans’ is a bitI boring, theySoccer fans Look at those folk up the road in Cardiff. They saidto red’ an wanted aweren’t yellowthe top‘mighty and ‘swans’ is a bit boring, they ‘we will walk away if you turn the colours swans’: I wanted to go with ‘we will walk awayDid if you turn theThey colours red’ andbut the weren’t the ‘mighty swans’: to go with did they? they hell!! are to blue now ducks. But Huw wasI wanted pretty adamant and so we went did they?crowds Did they They are blue butvery theirgood. Th ducks. But Huw was pretty adamant and so we went with Swans. arehell!! lower because theynow aren’t with Swans. crowds are lower because very good. reality is that fans they wantaren’t success and I willThe bring tha And what are your plans? Where do you want toreality is that fans want success and I will bring that. And what arethe your plans? Where do you want to Just to make it clear: This interview never take club? Just to make it clear: This interview never take theTotal club?domination of the game! happened. Total domination of the game! happened. you know what he said to me? you know what he said to me?

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I� G��i� A�� G�o�? Antony Hancock Couldn't score if he stayed out at half time on his own!! Call him the jigsaw because he falls to pieces in the box Matthew Ambrose No not for me I'm sorry he weather he has good chances or bad 80% he wastes them. Over the transfer period he made himself look like a knob saying that it was possible he would leave. He talks a lot but his performances on the pitch are poor and he brings nothing to the team Steven Edwards I think he is a good player but its our tactics and style that don’t suit him so we will never see the best of him unless we change that Phill Bloomfield I think the club are failing him, he looks like he is not being steered in the right direction and tries to do too much to support the team who are failing to create good striking opportunities. He should never have to be spending so much time running back to defend in open play. We should not have the likes of Dyer taking wild shots from out on the wing when we have players in the box. There is so much wrong with our game in the last quarter and we don't seem to put right. Dan Yeoman Team need to play to his strengths and the wingers need to attack like they used 2, we need our pressing in midfield back as well Chris Pickford relatively speaking I guess so, Alex Collins Anyone else think that we are still playing to Bonys' strengths? And not necessarily Gomis style of play? Might be just me... Ashley Harris Obviously he is, but his attitude has been awful. Doesn't help that we aren't playing to his strengths, and everyone is comparing him to Bony. Kyle Thomas No. Phill Bloomfield Gomis is a quality proven striker that doesn't change overnight only the team work around him changes and that is the problem. Andrew Howells He's not as good as he thinks he is that's for definite

Gareth E Morgan Lets be honest, hes not good enough, we can say all night long, that we are not playing to his strengths, he's an international striker, HE should be adapting his game surely, to our style of play, saying that dyer and routledge have been poor most of the season, so that doesn't help Neil Bev Rock You can bring in the best striker in the world !! It does not mean we are going to win games ....look at falcao at Man Utd for example ....bony has only been gone 5 minutes let's see what happens on the last leg of the season and then make the decision ....the scouts haven't been wrong so far and how many of you have watched this guy in action on YouTube ....he can do it ! The question is does he want too do it here . Emyr Evans The guys attitude is poor and has no real desire to be here but he's not stupid. If he performs he will get noticed and could engineer a move away for more money which is what it always boils down to. Every striker has a lean period and it would appear that this is his. Once he starts scoring everything will be forgotten about Adam John 2 more wins and we'll be safe! I'm very sure Huw is aware of this and more than happy to see out the rest of the season. Gomis has shown in game time that he isn't good enough (even keeping him on the pitch for 90mins to prove it) He'll be gone in the summer and huw knows it. I can't understand why we haven't kept Donnally and Sheehan etc just for cover and get experience in the squad. Loaning Oliveria and Carroll isn't going to help our long term future. So NO gomis is not worth our game time! Stephen Waite i dont think his heart is in swansea city team he be waiting now until end of season to be sold off he trying but cant get it right when he gets a shot on target they weak and the keeper saves them

F�o� f�� h�u�h�?? The ‘Gomis is useless’ talk from sections of fans sounds very familiar to me. He is no Bony: The Ivorian made an instant hit and we all fell in love with him instantly. Remember? Apologies for the poor quality of this feature but I had to print screen and crop it from our online magazine. This was taken from issue #21. Less than18 months ago.

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The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. "Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

Michu’s Right Foot

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

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Me and Matty took our boys (both under 2) to watch their first ever football match down our new academy to watch the under 18s. As we were walking there we had this realisation where they could be watching a future superstar. It just seemed really strange that their first game could be watching the future Leon Britton and that in a decade’s time, they will be eleven and twelve and watching some of these players in the Liberty: These could be the players that they grow up with. Posters on the wall and all that. It’s the first time I have watched the under 18s, I saw a couple of under 21 games last year but that was over Llanelli and we now have this sexy academy which is worth a look at on its own if you haven’t been there. Nigel Rees spoke to me a couple of months ago about how our youngsters have really worked on their upper body strength and you can tell from a mile off. You could see the physique of our side before a ball was kicked. Generally, I’d fancy my chances against most 18 year old kids but I wouldn’t have wanted to get in a boxing ring with many of these in fairness. Playing style, we have the same silky style as the

first team, get the ball down from the back and play football. The deeper lying midfield two really are solid; both happy to have a tackle and let the opponents know that they are there. It was a welcome change to see a Swans side that has players in the middle of the park who like to play football but can also physically dominate a midfield. I haven’t seen this in our first team since Bodde; although Jack Cork may be our man. The game was scrappy but then we were playing Millwall. Although in fairness, both sides wanted to play. They had a couple of handy players themselves and both teams were well organised. The stand out player on the pitch was our boy on the left flank though. He really caused trouble every time he got near the ball. Very similar to Montero, lighting quick and has the confidence to back himself over any distance. I know there are thousands of Swans fans who struggle to get tickets at the Liberty and others who have totally lost interest in the ‘corporate’ side of Premier League football. I would genuinely recommend getting down and catching an academy game. You will be impressed!

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“We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun." Rowan Atkinson This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams. Many years ago I came a close second in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck. I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a KFC. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.

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But I never stopped believing. And then at last, finally, last month I was crowned Miss Cardiff 2014. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. WANTED: Assistant required to fill hourglasses with sand. No timewasters. Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!

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***Joke For Barnsey*** A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up. One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. "Here's your equipmentâ&#x20AC;Ś a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." Wales premier wheel repair, She walks past thealloy chair, the whip and the gun and steps refurbishment right into the lion'sand cage.customisation specialists. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. Dedicated to transforming your worn,

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52 G�i�� F�� Aw�� F�n� The Liberty stadium is a rich mans Vetch field and like many new stadiums, has lost that bit of magic that the old ground had. Maybe character just needs time to develop but we can’t hide from the fact that the new ground has certainly been a major reason for the Swans success since 2005. It was then that the Swans played their first game there with a friendly against Premier League outfit Fulham, which was a massive club to play against back then for the league one side! It is named the Liberty Stadium due to a sponsorship contract from the Statue of Liberty! Visits to New York globally have trebled since the naming. Everything inside the stadium is useless and overpriced like basically every ground these days. I would seriously suggest having a beer and some food before you get to the ground. There are some brilliant, friendly pubs on the way into Swansea and most pubs will welcome away fans with a bit of banter but half a brain! JK’s Club is a couple of junctions before the stadium and I know Karen welcomes away fans and its 2 minutes from the motorway.

start of it, locals will drag you off to wherever they are going from there but it’s a good place to start! Parking is useless around the stadium, we are expanding the ground and nobody has a clue how this will work. We actually have an old train station that is a 2 minute walk from the stadium but it doesn’t make sense to reopen this somehow: the powers at be!! If your happy to pay a fiver then you will find somehwere close, if not, you will have a walk! Onto the club: We are awesome. I’m sorry to tell you that and I expect you already knew it but we are. The club is run by a board of directors who are Swans fans, with 20% share holding being held by the supporters trust. Our chairman took no wage and no expenses for the first few years he was with us and the whole board are borderline worshiped. On the pitch: We are pretty damn sexy there too! We demand good passing football and we get what we want. Leon Britton is god here, how he has never played for your national team just shows the clear stupidity of your past managers.

If you are travelling by rail, please don’t judge Swansea by the train station and its surroundings! The city is stunning; there are some magical spots for whatever you are looking for, it just so happens that if you enter the city via a train, you enter the part of the city designed for junkies. Wind Street is the lively place for a night out or at least the

Crowd: It is no Vetch but then the Premier League is no Division 3. It’s getting better at times and we are renowned as one of the best and most vocal fans in the league (which says a lot about the prem). Just to let you know, ‘sheep shagging’ is no insult, fire away! Make a weekend of it! Whatever you want, Swansea has it! People are friendly as can be. Don’t be a prick and you will be fine

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& W�� y�� lo��! Thought I would remind you all of my comments last issue :) Man Utd Great Man United sides have an ability to win when they are playing badly. This united side has that attribute but the problem is, is that they play badly every week. I don’t think that you can knock their spirit in anyway, they really have overachieved this year. I still think they will finish outside the top four. They have been battered in games and taken the points and you can say that’s a sign of a good side when it’s a one-off but not every week. There is no fear there at all. Nobody that I’m scared of and in reality, there are better players in the West Ham side and I would say that they are a better team. I expect us to be the better side and they can’t ride their luck forever so 3-0 Swans! Score wrong but apart from that!! :)

Liverpool Liverpool battered us up at Anfield and yet they needed three shocking individual mistakes to take away the three points. I expect to see the diamond back and that will ask questions of them, which we never did in the away leg. I think Monk will have to be quick to change things about this time around as he had tended to be a bit slow in reacting at times and Brendan will continually change formations and test his former captain. Sturridge is clearly a big boost for the reds but the midfield will be where the game is won and lost and if we can get Ki, Cork, Shelvey and Siggy on the field as we did against United then I expect us to put a major dent in their top 4 aspirations.

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I’m not even going to pretend anymore. The food section was just an excuse for me to eat out and this is a way for me to go on holiday and put it on expenses: I give you Jack Swans Guide to Amsterdam! First things first, there was no time during this weekend where I was in any way sober. If you want to read a guide to Amsterdam by somebody who has been there when sober then this isn’t for you.

tobacco substitute on the tables for you to help yourself. The coffee shops have a really nice feel to them. It is totally alien to Britain and I would say that it is a shame that we haven’t got them; it was just a nice

Have a smoke! When in Rome!!!! Going through customs completely stoned out of my head and it being completely legal was amazing! It must be done, its suspicious if you don’t! I must admit that I genuinely thought that that whole side of things was amazing. Their attitude towards cannabis is so much better than what ours is. I expected it to be in your face somewhat, to be constantly passing stoners but it wasn’t like that in any way. There are ‘Coffee Shops’ and then certain parts of bars where you can have a joint. You can buy pre-rolled joints, you can also purchase cannabis and roll your own. There are bars where you cannot smoke tobacco alongside your grass but most of them have a

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G�i�� t� Ams��rd��! readthey thathave theythe have theIndonesian best Indonesian alternative theSit pub. Sitand backplay andchess play chess best StreetStreet alternative to theto pub. back with withI read Ithat foodthat andsounded that sounded right my street a coffee a smoke. Why not? food and right up myup street but webut we a coffee and a and smoke. Why not? find the street. Thewas foodpretty was pretty could could never never find the street. The food a stroll theLight Red Light District like loads here, loads of foreign stuff which I Take aTake stroll roundround the Red District muchmuch like here, of foreign stuff which I generally like butcould you could getEnglish a full English It is worrying quite worrying how quickly you adjust like but you get a full prettypretty It is quite how quickly you adjust to theto the generally anywhere and Burger and chips and usual reddistrict. light district. Initially it seems completely anywhere and Burger and chips and usual red light Initially it seems completely mad mad muchmuch but within very space short space ofittime it seems stuff. stuff. but within a veryashort of time seems prettypretty . normal. are900 overprostitutes 900 prostitutes . normal. There There are over in thisin this district. Most of which are topless and range district. Most of which are topless and range from from women wholike look like blokes the wonderful most wonderful women who look blokes to theto most looking women thathave youever haveseen everin seen your life looking women that you yourinlife andthere then there is the light ‘blue’district: light district: nowisthat is and then is the ‘blue’ now that also interesting. also interesting. Culture Culture is a Heineken Museum. Wethat!!! saw that!!! There There is a Heineken Museum. We saw It’s It’s actually well worth look,or£15 or so including a actually well worth a look,a £15 so including a of beers, of museum a simulator couplecouple of beers, a touraoftour museum with awith simulator boataround ride around the canals. Can’tit!beat it! and a and boataride the canals. Can’t beat real culture is everywhere though. Should ActualActual real culture is everywhere though. Should you to want at some paintings you want looktoatlook some fancy fancy pancypancy paintings then there is plenty thatand jazzmagical and magical then there is plenty of thatofjazz buildings and whatnot. buildings and whatnot. Food Food

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Price Not too bad but not great. A pint varies from just under 4 Euros to very overpriced (can’t you do the euro sign on a keyboard yet? Or have I got an old keyboard??). About 5.50 Euros was about right and exchange rate is decent at the moment and so about £4. Remembering that this is a major capital city; that’s alright in my eyes. Food was alright as well without being good. I find that very little costs less than a euro or two. You never pay 60c for a can of coke or something, so the little things add up but generally I thought it was pretty good. Language I asked a bar woman once what Happy Valentines Day was in Dutch and she told me that she hasn’t got a clue. She was Romanian, lived there three years and didn’t speak a word of the language. When they say that ‘everyone speaks English’ in Holland, they really do! I found it easier to speak to people in Holland and for us to understand each other than I do in Liverpool. People We are an ugly lot aren’t we! It doesn’t matter where we go in the planet, they are better looking than us and Amsterdam is a clear example of this. It may have something to do with the 40 billion bikes

they have there but they are a fit bunch. I found them really friendly, always happy to help and approachable and really chilled out. Whether that’s the dope or not I don’t know but they are a relaxed bunch of people. Transport The green men are your friend! Do not walk anywhere unless the green man says all is ok!! Some of the roads are mental. Cycle lane, then car lane, then tram lane, then more cars then more bikes: with a canal running underneath you!! The transport is awesome. Double Decker trains for god sake! For a big city, it’s not that big! Walking is ok. Taxi isn’t too expensive, trams go everywhere; their whole transport system is quality!!!! Worse Bit! Paying to go to toilet. Its not in every bar but I had to fork out 50c on a couple of occasions. You feel extra cheated when you’re just getting rid of the beer which they served you. They make a massive effort to vindicate it and have someone there cleaning the toilets constantly but come on!! Verdict Must be on your Bucket list. It is a place that everyone should visit. Flights cost less than £50 at times. Spoil yourself!

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Aston Villa are boring aren’t they? Just boring! Decades of mediocrity. Man United are interesting once again, they have the ability to be totally useless which is a welcome change from the boring supremacy they had for a generation. Swansea are also boring, but not because of our inevitable league finish (although this season may turn out this way). We are boring because we just keep doing the right thing again and again and again: How boring! We probably all know people who are like Swansea City Football Club, you know the sort who never waste money, rarely get into rounds and refrain from having those few shots at the end of the night for no reason what so ever other than to have a wicked hangover the next day. They bore the hell out of me! I’m kind of jealous of them at the same time though. The January transfer window was a time which would have tempted most boards, most people, to pay slightly over the odds for a player: just because we can. £25 million burning a hole in our pocket, we would be totally forgiven for paying £8 million for a player who in reality was only worth £5 million. Its only £3 million for god sake!! We have LOADS!!!!

had a New Years resolution which consisted of us trying to be more boring. Less alcohol, stop smoking, a diet, running round and round in circles trying to keep fit, you know the ones. Well it is February now, we have all failed: We set out a plan and succumbed to temptation as we do every single year, without fail. It is natural; after all, we are all human! That is, except Huw Jenkins and co! They set out a game plan, much like our new years resolution: they set out rules but they keep to it and our continual rise is almost that simple. It is as simple as not smoking or to stop drinking in the week or to only have a takeaway once a fortnight: the only difference is: they actually do it. The purchases we made over the January transfer window were predictably boring and were clearly straight from our ‘rule sheet’. Naughton seems a

But that is where you (I assume, unless you happen to be one of the boring, non-shot drinking plods) and I and most other clubs board members differ from the mighty Swansea City Board and why I am becoming increasingly convinced that our rise will continue. We all try to be more boring at times. I write this in early February, most of us

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perfectly fine Premier League full back. He’s at an age where he can still improve somewhat, has many years left but is proven at the same time. Far from a gamble! Cork the same thing really. A proven player with many years left, a reliable midfielder and someone who we have been chasing for some time – as long as the price was right! Grimes is our dull shot-free mate flirting with the dark side. It’s him being a rebel; Signing an unproven youngster with no guaranteed return: Totally crazy! Somehow, I doubt this is the case though. Firstly, it will be as small a gamble as possible. We would have watched and watched and watched this player before parting with this cash. We’d have illegally and unknowingly extracted his DNA and done some sci-fi testing to ensure that he is what he is and will become what we think he will become. He will be as safe a signing that anyone can make when taking on one so young.

risk elements involved, as long as we really dot every ‘I’ and cross every ‘T’ then the chances are that one will really prosper and be worth ten million at one stage and therefore pay for all five. You see, we are incredibly boring. If Swansea City football club was a person then it would be a non-smoking, T-totalling, fitness fanatic (but not too much) who eats muesli and fruit for breakfast. But thankfully, this is the part of a football club that is supposed to be boring. The exciting parts of the football club are mainly on the field and we can’t really complain about that (although some try). I hope that we continue to be as boring as we can possibly be behind the scenes; I hope that we continue to be disappointed on every transfer window deadline day while other clubs fans brim with excitement at their latest overpriced has-been.

But secondly and incredibly boringly: This highly calculated ‘gamble’ would have been in the plan. We have had clear signing strategies for a number of years now and over recent windows this has also included a ‘potential’ signing. The reality is that if we purchase five Grimes, then as long as we minimise the

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We DID NOT walk 500 mile. And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more. The Disclaimers. I’ve disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve never felt safer and I’m saving £49.95 a month A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now. He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband. Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - "You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.I couldn't get an erection either" Where does a Jamaican composer live? In D flat. I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night. "You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said. "Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye. "Salad tastes nice." One for Gilfi... The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"

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All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98. Ryan Giggs almost signed for Man City. United grabbed from under their noses. Since the inception of the Premier League, Manchester United have accumulated 1503 points from wins winning 86 more games than nearest rivals Arsenal. The famous five of Manchester United's youth academy Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, David Beckham, Gary Neville and Nicky Butt - appeared 3038 times in total for the Red Devils. Last season alone, Manchester United had 20 players out on loan. Sir Matt Busby only bought 16 players in his 13 years in charge of United before Munich. 4 of them were Goal Keepers. He didn't buy anyone in the period between 1953-57.

Despite his natural goalscoring talent and legendary status at the club, Charlton is quoted as saying that Duncan Edwards is the "only player that made me feel inferior" Only 3 sides have ever done the league double over Manchester United and on each occasion, that side went on to win the league in the following campaign. Sir Matt Busby played his entire professional career for United's two greatest modern day rivals, Liverpool and Manchester City. The last time United played outside the top flight of English league football, was in the '75/76 season under Tommy Docherty. He was sacked the following season. Under Sir Alex Ferguson, United never finished lower than 3rd in the Premier league.

The 1999 Treble winning season made United the second British team to achieve the feat (after Celtic in 1967) as well as the first (and so far, only) English team to win it, Manchester United FC's very existence was once saved by and one of only 7 European clubs thus far. a wondering dog. Ryan Giggs holds the record for most United appearances. Uniteds first game at Old Trafford was against Liverpool in He has played more English Premier League games than 1910. United's first European game at Old Trafford was Manchester City. against Anderlecht, we won 10-0. Giggs also holds the record for fastest goal scored by Manchester City allowed United to play their first-team United, netting after 15 seconds vs Southampton in 1995. games at Maine Road following bomb damage to Old Trafford during the second world war. The most we've United have had for a departing player is £80 million for Cristiano Ronaldo, with David Beckham Bobby Charlton still holds the record as highest Manches- second a relative bargain at £25 million. ter United goalscorer, with 249 goals in all competitions. Wayne Rooney is the highest scoring Englishman in Champions League history, a record once held by Paul Scholes.

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1) Four men want to cross a bridge. They all begin on the same side. It is night and they have only one flashlight with them. At most two men can cross the bridge at a time and any party who crosses, either one or two people, must have the flashlight with them. The flashlight must be walked back and forth: it cannot be thrown, etc. Each man walks at a different speed. A pair must walk together at the speed of the slower man. Man 1 needs 1 minute to cross the bridge, man 2 needs 2 minutes, man 3 needs 5 minutes, and man 4 needs 10 minutes. For example, if man 1 and man 3 walk across together, they need 5 minutes. How can all four men cross the bridge in 17 minutes? 2) You are sitting with one opponent at an empty, round table. Taking turns, you should place one euro on the table, in such a way that it touches none of the coins that are already on the table. The first player that is not able to place a euro on the table has lost. By tossing a coin, it has been decided that you may start. Which strategy will you follow to make sure you are guaranteed to win? 3) Julia is as old as John will be when Julia is twice as old as John was when Julia's age was half the sum of their present ages. John is as old as Julia was when John was half the age he will be 10 years from now. How old are John and Julia? 4) In a small village in the middle of nowhere, three innocent prisoners are sitting in a jail. One day, the cruel jailer takes them out and places them in a line on three chairs, in such a way that man C can see both man A and man B, man B can see only man A, and man A can see none of the other men. The jailer shows them 5 hats, 2 of which are black and 3 of which are white. After this, he blindfolds the men, places one hat on each of their heads, and removes the blindfolds again. The jailer tells his three prisoners that if one of them is able to determine the color of his hat within one minute, all of them are released. Otherwise, they will all be executed. None of the prisoners can see his hat, and all are intelligent. After 59 seconds, man A shouts out the (correct) color of his hat! 5) The day after tomorrow is the third day after Wednesday. The Question: Which day was the day before yesterday? 6)

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I met up with Liz Evans who is the Labour candidate for Gower, this is what was said:How is this area performing? I would say that it is performing very well for Labour. I have been going around since last February 2014 and have been walking the streets every day - although it doesn’t sound right to say ‘walking the streets’ but you get my gist! We are doing well but one of the problems we face is a lot of apathy about politics especially in young people and it is about getting these people to go out and use their vote and to participate. My concern is apathy and mistrust in politics and I want to see that change. What should drive the economy locally? Two things which I think we need to sort out in the area. One, we need to sort out the problem with low wages, this is a very, very low waged area. When I knock the doors people tell me what they are getting paid and what their family are getting paid and it is low waged and also a huge amount of short or zero hour contracts, people working three or four hours a day but not knowing how many until that day. So for me, what would boost the economy is if more people who have more money to spend as we are in such a low wage area and so dealing with the low wages would be one. I also think that we have to be attracting more manufacturing work into the area. Gower Constituency in particular used to have a lot of manufacturing in the past as well as its tourism and fisheries and I think that that has diminished

and people are going into service jobs which aren’t as well paid and I would like to see two things happening : More manufacturing and better pay. Are we pushing tourism enough in these parts? Funnily enough, I was talking to somebody in Penclawdd a couple of weeks ago and he was saying that in the past the promotion of tourism in Wales has helped. He was telling me that his business has suffered and a lot of bed and breakfasts have said that too because recently here has been less money spent on promoting Welsh tourism in general and Gower which is a tourist area. But for me, if you are going to push

FLAMES

country?CHICKEN PIZZAS KEBABS BURGERS FRIED Qualified support: for me it will all depend on the

NO.1 KEBAB HOUSE IN PONTARDAWE environmental impact assessment which is still being discussed. I believe that we need renewable energy and therefore in principle: yes, but I think that we need to see what the environmental impact will be. I want to know what will happen to the water level locally, if it will have an effect on the waves and the environment and so yes, but qualified.

I don’t think that we do in this area. It isn’t an area with a large amount of immigration. When people on the doorstep are telling me that there is a problem with the numbers coming in I think that what they are looking at is probably cuts in local services and they are being told (by the press) that we can’t afford things because of the people coming in, that we can’t look after our own.

Why is Ed Miliband so unpopular?

I try and tell people that the cuts are because of the Conservative government that have come down to Wales, come down to Swansea Council and that the Tories are who we should be pointing the finger at for the cuts. Having said that: Labour is saying at the moment that anyone

I think that when I talk to people on the door steps they ask if I have met Ed and I say that ‘yes I have’ - and I give my funny stories about meeting him! But I think that what people expect is that they want a lot more hoil and when Ed delivers he

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tourism in the area, it is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty in the peninsula and so you have to do it sensitively but also you want to bring in tourism which is going to mean something to the economy. If people are going to a holiday cottage owned by some national company and are bringing a hamper down from London, so aren’t spending money in the economy, then that tourism isn’t going to bring anything to the area. So yes, sensible tourism which will bring benefits to the area. Are you a supporter of the tidal lagoon? Qualified support: for me it will all depend on the environmental impact assessment which is still being discussed. I believe that we need renewable energy and therefore in principle: yes, but I think that we need to see what the environmental impact will be. I want to know what will happen to the water level locally, if it will have an effect on the waves and the environment and so yes, but qualified. Why is Ed Miliband so unpopular? I think that when I talk to people on the door steps they ask if I have met Ed and I say that ‘yes I have’ - and I give my funny stories about meeting him! But I think that what people expect is that they want a lot more hoil and when Ed delivers he

delivers in a style where he doesn’t rant. He isn’t a "tub thumper" when he speaks but I think that a lot of people expect him to do that. I’d say that is what is important: what he is saying and how he is reasoning it out. Also, I think that people don’t tend to watch a lot of parliamentary things on television. They rely on what is in the press and the awful bacon sandwich shots. I sometimes show people some clips of Ed speaking that I've got on my phone and they are often surprised at how good he is. Do we have a problem with immigration in this country? I don’t think that we do in this area. It isn’t an area with a large amount of immigration. When people on the doorstep are telling me that there is a problem with the numbers coming in I think that what they are looking at is probably cuts in local services and they are being told (by the press) that we can’t afford things because of the people coming in, that we can’t look after our own. I try and tell people that the cuts are because of the Conservative government that have come down to Wales, come down to Swansea Council and that the Tories are who we should be pointing the finger at for the cuts. Having said that: Labour is saying at the moment that anyone

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Does the Labour party think that the public are stupid by your £8 minimum wage pledge by 2020? Surly it would go up that much by inflation?

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9 Dillwyn Street, Swansea City Centre, SA1But 4AE would you like to see the Labour party Firstly, I don’t think that it would go up simply due offering that as the minimum wage? For now? £8 to inflationDoor as wages don’t go up with inflationPizzas (I Next to Dominos

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an hour in 2015. £10 an hour by 2020 which I think is what the greens are offering.

Well it’s gone up over a narrow band over the last five years. Yes, I would like to see the minimum

That is right yeah.

know this as I have a trade union background.) But also Labour's plan isn’t just to get the Minimum Wage it up to £8 per hour by 2020. It is going to be going up over the term of the next parliament and it will reach its high point in 2020 and so it will be stepped increases, not a "fall off the cliff" job.

Yes I would and I’dPCRESCUESHOP like also to see the living wage 07767 163029 / info@uplandscomputers.co.uk

paid now. I think that with the Living Wage you have to take firms with you, or they won't pay, and that the tax breaks are the way to do that. For me wages are far too low.

SMART PHONE REPAIRS But that is the current system anyway isn’t it? Broken Screens Why does your party think that we are incapable of making an informed decision on It wouldn’t go up to £8 an hour at the current rate Europe? that it is going up under the Conservatives. Tablets Are you sure? Game Consoles This about us not having a referendum? Business & Home site support CCTV Installations Internet Cafe

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entering the UK needs to work for two years before they can claim benefits because we understand that you have to pay in before you can take out. Does the Labour party think that the public are stupid by your £8 minimum wage pledge by 2020? Surly it would go up that much by inflation? Firstly, I don’t think that it would go up simply due to inflation as wages don’t go up with inflation (I know this as I have a trade union background.) But also Labour's plan isn’t just to get the Minimum Wage it up to £8 per hour by 2020. It is going to be going up over the term of the next parliament and it will reach its high point in 2020 and so it will be stepped increases, not a "fall off the cliff" job. But that is the current system anyway isn’t it?

wage going up more but I would prefer to see it going up to £8 (than not) and I wouldn’t trust the Conservatives to get it up to anywhere near that. But also for me, what is vital is a Living Wage which is not the same thing as the Minimum Wage. The living wage is paying higher and for me, one of the best things that Labour are doing is saying to firms that if you pay the living wage then we will give a tax break to offset those costs. But would you like to see the Labour party offering that as the minimum wage? For now? £8 an hour in 2015. £10 an hour by 2020 which I think is what the greens are offering. Yes I would and I’d like also to see the living wage paid now. I think that with the Living Wage you have to take firms with you, or they won't pay, and that the tax breaks are the way to do that. For me wages are far too low.

It wouldn’t go up to £8 an hour at the current rate that it is going up under the Conservatives.

Why does your party think that we are incapable of making an informed decision on Europe?

Are you sure?

This about us not having a referendum?

Well it’s gone up over a narrow band over the last five years. Yes, I would like to see the minimum

That is right yeah.

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I tend to think that once you opt to go into something then you don't jump to the opting out again before you try and make changes within . I do understand people who think that we have perhaps given too many powers to Europe and I think that we would have to renegotiate in certain areas, as Labour plans to do and I think that that would be the best way to do it. Wouldn’t you be better off saying that ‘you think we should be in Europe and this is why we think this but we also think that we live in a democracy and the public are intelligent enough to decide for themselves’? If we had one (referendum) for example and it said ‘no’, then wouldn’t we have another one in five years time? I just seem to think that once you opt in then you are a part of it and it seems a strange thing to want to opt out again until you first try and make changes. So for me it will all be about the renegotiation of powers - and then look at having a referendum if we get nowhere How can Ed Miliband stand out in the TV debates? By rational debate. That is absolutely key as I think that he has the arguments and I don’t think that Cameron does and it is going to be Miliband who succeeds in explaining the policies. He is a rational thinker, a reasonable thinker and I think that this will come through in the debates. Do you think that it is an advantage to him having the extra parties involved? I don’t think it will make any difference to be

honest with you. I quite like the idea that the Greens are there and the other parties are there as I think that the fuller the debate the better. Why isn’t Tony Blair in jail? Well, I don’t agree with what happened in the Iraq war and I’m on record in saying that, I guess that to go to jail then you have to be charged and I don’t know what the charge would be. I suppose that we will wait and see what the enquiry brings. Do you agree with Tony Blair that the Labour party need to be in the centre ground? Is real socialism in the Labour party dead? I’m entering parliament to bring real Socialism into the Labour party and I think that the Labour party has in the past lost touch with a lot of its voters who are not in that sort of centre/right position which we saw under Blair. I’m not saying that we wouldn’t bring the centre in too but we wouldn’t ignore areas which are left of centre and that is an area which we have to take forwards. Do you think that public opinion has shifted generally to a more centre-right? Not in Gower where I have been knocking doors. I do come across a lot of mistrust in politics and I think that people who perhaps would have been more left of centre have more distrust in politics than most. My background is trade union and the diminishing of trade unions among workers in the area of Britain is an awful thing to happen and I want it to strengthen unions and I want them to be brought back and I think that we really need to do that.

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youthink thinkthat that the a lottrade of theunions problemhave with maybe Nick Clegg DoDo you is that he looks very David he is a similar shot themselves in the foot Cameron, over the years? age, from similar backgrounds, do you think that Maybe behaved a bit rashly. might be behind what we don’t like about him and you can also say this about Ed Milliband?

You will have to give me an example. I can’t think of anything which comes to mind.

I think that you have hit one if the major problems of British politics at the moment, they are all cloned. They I know lot of people say thatthey trade come that out ofa public school orwill university, get an unions are quick to go on strike example internship or a researchers job andfor then they become an MP; That is a big They can’t be quick problems with thisto go on strike. Mrs Thatcher changed laws are so that you have to be a countrythe as there Philadelphia Lawyer very few MPS who to go on strike. And you can’t just walk off,a proper you need have had jobto give a month's notice, if not, the union will be in court. You can’t go on and I don’t mean solicitors barristers; strike easily.orAnd if you go on strike as a trade you need mixisofnot what you want: for you union then athat people as you need a want to negotiate a settlement. mix of sexes, we want a of commons Dohouse you really think that and not government a house of a Labour elite. make proper would

inroads into the He looks comfortable inequality of this with Cameron? country? The gap between the poorest Yeah but they are all and increased therichest same. Look at Ed under the last Milliband, hasLabour he had a government, 13 That’s years of proper job? No! it.at least one thing you can say about Cable that!

That’s why I’m Will precisely the Liberal Democrats be looking to abolish going intofees? politics. For me tuition it is the low wage income We made the mistake of signing up to something that economy which really has reallyand appreciate towe be didn’t addressed I can the full cost of and it wasn’t until we opened theand books up and got the famous see Labour going in

comment that Danny Alexander and George Osbourne

sorting out was not aonly pay had which notewages sayingand ‘sorry allbut thealso money has gone’ employment rights as well as income in that area is vital. I’m going into politics because of the You must and haveitshad idea of where the country inequality notan just wages, its gender was or wasn’t? inequality, inequality because of peoples health, disability. This palaver with ATOS and the My experiencehas when I became of Swansea Conservatives been terribleleader for people: I have councilto was that people I didn’t realise beforehand spoken many who have come onsome the of the things that were happening. wrong side of this. So it's not just wages but broader than that is what I’m fighting for. I saw somebody talking about wages being proportionate from lowest to highest. So that the highest earner in a company can only earn ten times what the lowest earns for example. Would you support this?

I would yes and you would need a strong trade union base to ensure that that happened. I’m from the Hafod and I’m coming into politics for the first time, I’m from a working class background, my family are local fitters and turners, and joiners and I do think that I understand people, I’m not what people call a career politician, not from the So are you saying that if the Lib Dems had won an metropolitan elite, that’s outright majority in the last election, you still so tuition not me!fees? I think that for wouldn’t have scrapped That it wasn’t one of the big things the torys that stoppedme, you? is being in touch with and had I have knocked I have a feeling that we people would have to look at how doors in Gower for overtuition a to fund further education. I’m not sure whether year and I think that I

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Do youDo think trade have maybe you that thinkthe that the unions trade unions have maybe sortingsorting out notout only and pay butpay also notwages only wages and but also shot themselves in the in foot years? shot themselves theover footthe over the years? employment rights as well as income in that area employment rights as well as income in that area MaybeMaybe behaved a bit rashly. behaved a bit rashly. is vital.isI’m going politics because of the of the vital. I’m into going into politics because and itsand not its justnot wages, its gender inequality just wages, its gender You will have givetome an me example. I can’t think You willtohave give an example. I can’t think inequality inequality, inequality because of peoples health,health, inequality, inequality because of peoples of anything which which comescomes to mind. of anything to mind. disability. This palaver with ATOS disability. This palaver with and ATOSthe and the Conservatives has been for people: I have I have Conservatives hasterrible been terrible for people: I knowI that lot ofa people will say that knowa that lot of people will saytrade that trade spokenspoken to many who have theon the to people many people whocome have on come unionsunions are quick go on strike for example are to quick to go on strike for example wrongwrong side ofside this.of Sothis. it's not justnot wages but but So it's just wages than that is that whatisI’m fighting for. for. broader than what I’m fighting They can’t quick go on Thatcher Theybe can’t beto quick to strike. go on Mrs strike. Mrs Thatcher broader

changed the laws thatso you have be ato be a changed thesolaws that youtohave Philadelphia LawyerLawyer to go on you can’t Philadelphia to strike. go on And strike. And you can’t just walk youoff, need givetoa month's notice,notice, if justoff, walk youto need give a month's if not, the union bewill in court. can’t on go on not, the will union be in You court. Yougo can’t strike easily. And if And you go on strike a trade strike easily. if you go onas strike as a trade union then is that not what want: youfor you unionthat then is notyou what you for want: want to negotiate a settlement. want to negotiate a settlement.

Do youDo really think that you really think that a Labour government a Labour government wouldwould make proper make proper inroads into the inroads into the inequality of thisof this inequality country? The gap country? The gap between the poorest between the poorest and richest increased and richest increased underunder the last Labour the last Labour government, 13 years government, 13 of years of it. it.

That’s precisely why I’m That’s precisely why I’m going into politics. For meFor me going into politics. it is theitlow wage is the lowincome wage income economy which which really has economy really has to be addressed and I can to be addressed and I can see Labour going in and in and see Labour going

I saw somebody talkingtalking aboutabout wageswages being being I saw somebody proportionate from lowest to highest. So thatSo that proportionate from lowest to highest. the highest earnerearner in a company can only the highest in a company canearn only earn ten times lowest earns for example. ten what timesthe what the lowest earns for example. WouldWould you support this? this? you support I wouldI would yes andyes you would need aneed strong trade trade and you would a strong union base ensure that that uniontobase to ensure that happened. I’m from that happened. I’m from the Hafod and I’mand coming the Hafod I’m coming into politics for thefor firstthe first into politics time, I’m from working time, I’mafrom a working class background, my my class background, family family are local arefitters local and fitters and turners, and joiners and I and I turners, and joiners do think I understand dothat think that I understand people,people, I’m notI’m what not what peoplepeople call a career call a career politician, not from politician, notthe from the metropolitan elite, that’s metropolitan elite, that’s so not so me! I think forthat for not me! Ithat think me, one ofone the big things me, of the big things is being touch is in being in with touch with peoplepeople and I have and knocked I have knocked doors in Gower for over doors in Gower fora over a year and I think I that I year and Ithat think

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R�� U� T� E�ec�i�� know what knowneeds what needs to be done to befor done ourfor constituenour constituen- GowerGower constituency. constituency. PeoplePeople want to want talk to about talk about UKIP type UKIPissues type issues on theon doorstep the doorstep but although but although I’m I’m cy. cy. working working hard I’m hard notI’m working not working hard because hard because of of them though. It is looking It is looking almostalmost impossible impossible for Labour for Labour to to them though. get a majority, get a majority, especially especially with your withcurrent your current What is What the one is the policy one policy that you that would you would like tolike to popularity popularity in Scotland. in Scotland. Can you Can foresee you foresee a a see in see the in Labour the Labour manifesto? manifesto? ‘rainbow ‘rainbow coalition’? coalition’? The manifesto's not published not published yet butyet I know but I itknow it The polls Thevary. pollsI have vary. given I have up given looking up looking at polls. atI polls. I The manifesto's will contain many things many things I want Ibut want care but is care an is an think that think wethat willwe getwill a majority. get a majority. The experience The experience will contain important issue and issue I hope and Ito hope see to some seeimprovesome improvewhich which I’m getting I’m getting in the doorstep in the doorstep is that is people that people important ment carefor workers. care workers. I think Ithat think that that is that massive. is massive. have had have enough had enough of five of years fiveof years the Conservaof the Conserva- ment for speak people to people who get who paid getfor paid fifteen for fifteen minutes minutes tives and tives that and will that translate will translate into votes intoand votes soand I canso I canI speakI to anddon’t theyget don’t paid getfor paid thefor time thetravelling time travelling and and see us see getting us getting in there. in Ithere. wouldn’t I wouldn’t like to like bet to onbet on and they I wouldI would want that want sorted. that sorted. We're going We're to going sortto out sort out how much how but much I think but Ithat think wethat willwe justwill getjust in there. get in there. zero hour zerocontracts hour contracts but that's butnot that's enough not enough in itselfin itself help workers. care workers. Do youDo think you that thinkUKIP thatare UKIP making are making MPs work MPs work to helptocare harder? harder? There There aren’t aren’t many many safe seats safethis seats time this time I wouldI would also like also to like see to some seemore somehelp morefor help carers for carers roundround are there. are there. (that is,(that people is, people who look whoafter looktheir afterfamily, their family, such assuch as children, children, those with thosedisabilities with disabilities and the and elderly) the elderly) I’m justI’m speaking just speaking for myself for myself and they andhaven’t they haven’t been been any relevance any relevance for me.for I’veme. been I’vecampaigning been campaigning for for over a over year now a yearand now I haven’t and I haven’t seen UKIP seenout UKIP in the out in the

Ja�� Sw�� Eat� F�o�!

Like the whole of Swansea, I hang on the secret breakfasteers every word and he gave me a tip off: ‘the best place to eat in Swansea is the Portuguese restaurant Madeira on the Kingsway’. He’s been bang on the ball when it comes to the best places to eat breakfast and so I’d have been a fool if I hadn’t of tried it out. I went at lunch time and their lunch time menu was £9.95, which seemed perfectly reasonable for ‘the best place to eat in Swansea’. As I was in a place with such a fantastic reputation, I went ambitious and went for the

sardine’s starter. I’m not usually one for fish and I remember why. They have loads of little bones in them which just make it hard work. It was nice enough but just hassle. They were cooked lovely in fairness, really smoky, but jam packed with bones. I can forgive them for this as I don’t think they put them in there. They could have given a bit more ‘dressing’ though: a real quality salad with tomatoes to die for was the least I’d expect from the ‘best place to eat in Swansea’. I got the kind of dressing which you expect when you buy a toastie. For the main meal, I went authentic Portuguese and Piri Pir Chicken. I tell you something, it was flaming hot! but really good at the same time. Really spicy and the chicken was cooked wonderfully, just like the fish only without the bones. One again though its accompaniment was really disappointing. I have never been to Portugal, maybe in a few issues time I will aim to do a ‘guide to Lisbon’

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or Porto or even Medira itself but not if I only get potatoes and peas when I get there. And not even well cooked potatoes, nothing fancy. I’d have preferred chips in reality: they were just boring to be honest. In fairness, maybe Portugal is boring, maybe this is the best Portuguese restaurant in the world but I wasn’t convinced. In reality, it was alright and £9.95 for a 2 course meal is perfectly reasonable but it certainly wasn’t the best place to eat in Swansea. It could be that my expectations were set so high that it would have taken something remarkable for me to be impressed but peas and potatoes for god sake!

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Live Rugby! All of Wales’ 6 Nations games are now now being shown at Garbo’s on our LARGE screen TV followed by Live Music. Kitchen open throughout the game… Book your table early to avoid disappointment!

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The Secret Breakfasteer

As it stands at the moment

1st

The Penny Black in Burry Port

25.5

The Skyline Café, Glycorug Mountain Bike Centre

Uplands Diner, Uplands, Swansea

23.5

Changs, neath

21.5

Tambinis Express Café tollgate Port Talbot

The Junction Café on the roundabout Ystalyfera

Fairdeal Café ,Llansamlet Enterprise Park

Ponty Café, Pontardawe

This issue’s is the hottest, ‘straight off the plate’ review ever written, mainly because I’ve been working in Carmarthen the past month. So, Monday after our famous league double against Manchester united, on my day off I treated my wife to breakfast at one of Swansea most famous cafes ‘UPLANDS DINER’. After dropping the children off at school and navigating around the highly congested roads of Swansea’s which are slightly biased towards buses; we arrived at the Uplands Diner. Many of my friends have suggested that I should try it, even raved on about it. Parking was not an issue with plenty of 1 hour free parking spots available close by. Walking into the diner you can see the American style theme they are trying to emulate. We quickly found a table in the ‘Tardis‘ like diner; as the small shop front opens into a huge space seating over 160 people. The menu was more than substantial catering not just for the breakfast run but lunches and dinners too, my partner ordered Diner’s Delight and I, the Uplands special, which I ordered and paid for at the counter. Inside the diner is bright and spacious and decorated loosely in an American 50’s style. There is a feature wall paying homage to Swansea FC and a collage of photographs of those brave enough to take on the Famous Beast breakfast. The open plan kitchen is clean and tidy along with the large seating area. Our food took approximately 10 minutes to arrive and was delivered to the table by the friendly waitress; I am sad to say she wasn’t on roller skates or dressed up as Peggy-Sue! The orders were spot on and I only say this as my wife substituted her bacon for an

21 20.5 20 17.5

extra sausage and a hash-brown. The portions where plentiful and well presented, the thick cut bacon was delicious and the hash-brown the best I’ve had in a café , extra crispy and NOT saturated in fat. The toast was buttered right up to the edges and the eggs are runny just the way I like it, SAUSAGES arghh !!! I know I harp on about this but it makes a difference. *Please take note all cafes , STOP buying from the same supplier and be different; stand out from the rest , give the public what they want, a decent quality meaty sausage , I for one wouldn’t mind paying an extra 10p for the quality! To summarise, breakfast was very good , the premises was clean and tidy with a great theme going on, the price was good too, with the bill a more than decent £9.95 for the 2 of us including drinks, so next time I am in the area I will be visiting again, hopefully served by roller skating waitresses! Location 6/10 Value 8/10 Quality 7.5/10

23.5 30

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��ME

IT R��Y �S f�� A�� Ja�� Sw�� nf�@ja�k�w�� .c�.�� 07�80 369545

J��e� B� S��n��

I worked in a Circus for five years the only reason they kept me on was I was the only Guy who could get the tent back in the bag.. At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Brown Olympic commentators say it's impossible to knock 5 seconds off your personal best. Well I proved them wrong the other day..... I was watching the women's volleyball and I heard my wife's car pull in the driveway. "Did you enjoy your belly dancing class?" I asked the wife. "It's not belly dancing, it's keep fit!" she replied sharply. "Well maybe you need a bigger tracksuit!" Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke? My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching! Cardiffs new formation...

�A�K ��N �S W�LC�ME HERE!!

EATS FOOD!

LOOK OUT FOR THIS POSTER WHERE YOU EAT!!!!

WE ARE SO CONFIDENT THAT OUR FOOD IS ALWAYS AT THE HIGHEST STANDARD THAT WE CHALLENGE JACK SWAN TO COME HERE ANYTIME AND REVIEW OUR FOOD!!!

P�� f�� Kid� I said in the last issue about how it should be pretty easy to make a pub child friendly and the Dillwyn in Pontardawe shows this. There is no great expense made, no genius contraptions but the couple of boxes of toys at one end of the restaurant make life so much easier with two young kids. The food is good and well priced. Real Ale is £2 a pint. Again, there is nothing spectacular about it but everything is done well and it makes for an easy place to take the kids. Food came quickly; I had to peel the kids from the toys to get them to eat and I was able to finish my pint in peace after my food when they went back to the toys. £5 for my meal and £2.50 for a child’s meal; can’t knock it. Little in way of adults entertainment but at £2 a pint……..

Dillwyn Arms Pontardawe Quality of Food: Quality of Childs Entertainment Quality of Adults Entertainment Value for money Beer

P��i�u� Sc��e� New Swan Ystalyfera Hungry Horse In Dunvant Harvesters Everywhere Dyffren Arms Bryncoch

Total 39/50 36.5/50 32/50 32/50

8 8.5 6 8.5 7

Total 38/50 What is Your Pubs Story?

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96 P��n�-�es� P��n��n�! We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution. Rainbow Foam This activity takes a minimum amount of preparation but is guaranteed to take the children right through the match! It has been tested out on children between 21 months and 10 years old – they all loved it.

You will need: Washing up liquid Food colouring Water Container Food mixer/ electric whisk Floor protector

Preparation Place 2 Tbsp. of washing up liquid ( a cheap one is fine) and ¼ cup of water into a bowl and mix on the highest setting of your food mixer or whisk, at this point you can add a food colouring of your choice. In 1-2 minutes foam will appear, once it can make peaks and hold its shape scoop it out and place onto a flat tray.

Repeat this process depending on how many colours you want to make. Of course you could always opt for just black and white . We placed all of the colours onto a tray and hid various small toys inside, the children loved treasure hunting for them .We also encouraged the children to mix the colours so that they could make more colours. We recommend that you place the tray on plastic sheets as the children love exploring with the foam.You could add spoons and cups or paper for them to draw with the foam (this would make a lovely Mother’s Day card) www.facebook.com/munchkinos

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corporate clients in and around Swansea area. and English speaking are always on hand to help you with all your nursery needs and to provide your children with the best care possible six days a week. The nursery employs its own cook who ensures that healthy and nutritious meals are served daily.

Q�� An��r�

Picture Quiz 1) Connor Murrey 2) luca morisi 3) Jonathan Joseph 4) Rhys Webb 5) Stuart Hogg

Link: All scored in 6 nations this year. Thats right, egg chasing, I do the same thing every year, you should know!

Mind Puzzles:

1)First man 1 and man 2 walk across the bridge. This takes 2 minutes. After this, man 1 walks back with the flashlight. This takes 1 minute. Then man 3 and man 4 walk across the bridge. This takes 10 minutes. After this, man 2 walks back with the flashlight. This takes 2 minutes. Then man 1 and man 2 walk across the bridge. This takes 2 minutes as before. In total: 2+1+10+2+2=17 minutes 2) Put the first euro exactly in the middle of the table. Place each next coin "mirrored" to the coin your opponent has just placed: draw an imaginary line from the last coin of your opponent, through the center of the table, and place your coin on that line, exactly as far from the center of the table as your opponent's coin. In this way, you are sure that you can always place a euro and that your opponent is the first one that can no longer place a euro. 3) John is 30 years old and Julia is 40 years old. 4) TThe answer: man A is wearing a white hat. An explanation: From the fact that neither B nor C gives an answer, we conclude that both these men have insufficient information to determine the color of their hats. Let us start with man C. He must be seeing at least one white hat on the heads of A and B (if he would see two black hats, he would know that he is wearing a white hat). Man B therefore knows that he and/or A is wearing a white hat. Since he cannot give an answer, he must be seeing a white hat on A's head (if B would see A wearing a black hat, he would know that he himself wears a white one). From the fact that neither C nor B can give an answer to the jailer's question, A finally concludes that he is wearing a white hat!l. 5) The third day after Wednesday is Saturday. If the day after tomorrow is Saturday, then today is Thursday. Therefore, the solution is: the day before yesterday was Tuesday. 6) Neon Light 7) Right Between the eyes 8) Head in the sand

Vital Information

Only 3 sides have ever done the league double over Manchester United and on each occasion, that side went on to win the league in the following campaign. Nice idea though!

(opposite Liberty Stadium)

182 Neath Rd, Swansea SA1 2JT