Aquarius
Bath time and the Lord will suddenly gain a whole new appeal when someone at church tells you that the devil lives inside of everyone (see Cancer). Using the power of deductive reasoning, you figure there are only two ways Lucifer could have crept inside of your body. Nothing goes into your mouth without your say so, but who knows what could have snuck in the other end while you weren’t watching. Don’t be content with the Prince of Darkness using your private parts as a personal entrance: Flush the bastard out. Sitting in the bath tub spread eagle beneath the high pressure faucet, use one hand to hold yourself open and the other to turn the handle. As the running water pushes against your welcome curtains, you’ll notice a tingling sensation begin to run through you. The Devil! Better crank that handle to ‘HIGH’ and wait for Satan to vacate. Be sure you explain this perfectly logical exorcism process to your sadly uninformed babysitter when she finds you in the tub, eyes rolled back, screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!”
Libra
You are sitting on a warm stack of hay frantically palming your stubby needle while you watch Optimus Prime attempt to dry hump a promiscuous back-hoe with his outrageously furbished semi. After spending yourself and toweling off with an old marble bag, you hear your mother calling in the background. She’s made you waffles again! Your favorite! Then, and only then, do you always manage to wake up.
Aries
Your Happy Meal toy smells like fried crotch. That doesn’t mean you can’t still eat the fries, though. No, I’m just fucking with you;. you should probably send the whole thing back.
Leo
Just because you get an erection every time you ‘accidentally’ catch an old re-run of Barney the Dinosaur, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay for yapping, unfit puppets. I don’t even think there is such a thing anyway, is there? You can’t be gay for Barney, if only because nobody knows exactly what sex Barney’s supposed to be. The stars have known lots of chicks and dicks that called themselves Barney at one time or another. But that’s beside the point. Try weaning yourself off your sick puppet obsession by masturbating to magazine ads for Tickle Me Elmo. If that doesn’t work I hear the Wiggles are on 24 hour repeat in Australia.
Taurus
Today you will bump into the somewhat disheveled elderly woman who used to breast feed you when you mother jumped ship that one time for a couple weeks and went on tour following the Rolling Stones. This old hag will make some sort of inadvertent comment describing your feeding habits at the time as ‘very gentle’. ‘Awkward’ doesn’t begin to cut it. Remember to excuse yourself politely before vomiting.
Pisces
You will soon discover that you’re Slashing Lightsaber Motion Obie Wan action figure has inadvertently knocked up your little sister’s Jedi Groupie Barbie. They will be married shortly after that by a recently ordained Simon Says and move into a small ratinfested studio apartment one block south of Sesame Street. Unfortunately, the entire thing ends badly. Barbie gets recalled back to China due to some sort of toxic sexually transmitted disease-based paint job. Obie Wan starts hitting the bottle. These sorts of things just don’t last.
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