ISSN: 2151-0806
saw. I began to see things in a different light. This is about when, on a visit, I held my father’s hand and looked him square in his eyes and spoke directly to his soul. I said, “Dad, I want you to know that I thank you for being my father. I know that I have not been much of a son to you and caused you all kinds of grief and worries, and even stole from you, but I have felt bitter in my heart for the pain you have caused me that I had to suffer through so many situations. But, I am here to tell you right now that I no longer hold you accountable for how I was brought up. I want you to know that I honestly and truly forgive you for placing me in those orphanage homes and abandoning me. I just realize that you and mom were going through some things, and at the time that was the best you could deal with the situation.” I could see in his eyes that he was very hurt in his soul. I was informed years later that my mother didn’t want us kids in an orphanage home and separated, but the doctor told her that she had better do something or she would lose her mind, so my mother gave us boys to dad and she kept the girls. She said she was very sad about the whole situation. At a Kairos [Prison Ministry] meeting, several years [later] here at the Marion Correctional prison I finally had the chance and opportunity to open up with my mother and learn the whole truth. We both cried and I asked her for her forgiveness because I was holding it against her all those years, thinking she was a part of having me put away and abandoning me like that. She forgave me and told me how much she loved me and always would love me. ME: While I know there is bitterness because of the injustices you’ve faced, you seem to have moved on from some of the anger that filled you in times past. How were you able to let go of some of that anger while remaining wrongfully incarcerated? MU: I just know that from the wrongful conviction and the false accusations of my guilt, the pain I felt inflicted upon me, by a country I felt would not betray the innocent because of the good laws we have, I was devastated in the worst way you could possibly imagine. I felt absolutely nothing inside except a big black hole that was void of anything, and it only worsened as time passed. I felt nothing for anyone and I had no regard for anyone that was in authority and I didn’t care who knew it because That Which They Made Me Is What I Became To Everyone. I did everything I could to fill that void up in my heart and soul; drugs, alcohol, sex, and much violence. But, most of all I stayed in the hole in solitary confinement for the first 5 years of the beginning of my life sentence. I was so far into what I was feeling that I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. They (the law) sentenced me to prison for the rest of my natural life, which meant that I would never see freedom again on the other side. Deep, deep, deep within me raged a simple little light that represented hope, because when I was all alone and away from everyone I cried for the most part in soaked, stained tears, the kind that sting your skin and burn your face raw, yelling out in twisted fear and anger, and having no understanding or perception of how to deal with what I was going through. I just knew that all the anger and hurt and bitterness that was festering up inside me was changing me into something that I did not want to become, so I stayed away from everyone and started building a wall around me, to protect myself, and allowing only who I wanted in there. Nothing made sense to me anymore, and I could get no one or anyone to listen to my side of the story, so I acted like I didn’t care anymore about anything. Someone I knew there was killed and as I was sitting on the edge of my bed there into the cell I stared at the emptiness of a shadowed corner on the floor near the door, drifting off into that though I heard a small still voice say, “Michael, if you don’t change your way you will be next.” I then snapped out of the trance and I knew exactly what that voice was telling me, that I would Peace Studies Journal, Vol. 6, Issue 3, July 2013
Page 145