LAST LAUGH
How to Hint You Want a Horse for the Holidays THe major gifT-giving season of the year is coming up, and let’s say you want a new horse (Duh! all horse people want a new horse, any time of the year). it may seem out of the question—but you don’t have to give up hope. Hinting for presents is a time-honored strategy, so as a seasonal public service announcement, i’d like to share with you some ideas on how to plant the idea that a horse would be the perfect gift for you this holiday season. first, you need to set the scene. People have this ridiculous idea that horses are really expensive, so you need to defuse that argument right away. The best way to do that is to find the shiny magazines with artful ads for big-deal show horses that really are fabulously expensive. Leave these lying around, or casually glance through them in front of your family and mention the outrageous prices. Talk about how you’d never be so foolish as to spend that much for a horse, when there are so many really great horses available for a song. Then, to drive your point home, leave some flyers or the local horse-trading magazine out with ads for horses that are much more reasonable. By comparison, your gift-giving family will start to recognize how modest your wish really is. next, start talking nonstop about how you’d like to try this or that discipline. The best strategy is to talk about how so-and-so (preferably your trainer or instructor) said you’d be really good at endurance or trail or mounted shooting, or whatever. and, sigh about how you’d love to try it, but your current horse(s) just wouldn’t be up to it. To up the ante, mention the prize purses that some of those riders get. Why, you can subtly imply, it’s practically a sure investment to get a nice (but not expensive) horse and get into this game; you’d win the money back in no time. next, find something—anything—that is less expensive when you have an additional horse. it could be the vet’s farm call fee. Divided among your current horses plus one more, you’d actually be saving money on the vet’s call, you 250 equine
Journal
| November 2012
muse. and, some of that extra tack that you have lying around—it’s just going to waste. if you had a new horse, you could get your money’s worth out of it, too. next, start looking at trailers. if your family members ask you why, say that you’re thinking about scaling up from your current trailer. You figure you could go from a four- to a six-horse and maybe make a little pin money hauling friends’ horses to shows. or, if you did happen to get another horse…just let this sentence hang artfully in the air. Don’t be discouraged if you get eye rolls and muttered comments. Keep at it. You’re softening them up, and it must not be rushed. The next step is to start worrying aloud about your current horse or horses. if you only have one, you’re in a great position to capitalize on this. everyone knows that horses are herd animals, and it’s not good for their mental health to live alone. and no, dogs, cats, and goats don’t count. if you already have more than one horse, you might need to be a little creative here. You can mention that Tootsie’s been a little mopey lately, and maybe she needs a companion—another mare instead of just the boys.
if you have older horses, imply they need a young’un to shake them up; if you have young ones, they need an elder to whip them into shape. The goal is to plant the idea that somehow, the psychology of the herd is out of balance and only an additional horse will cure it. The final coup de grace should be delivered by simply becoming so moony and distracted in your everyday life, thinking and talking about your need for a new horse, that the family finally begins to fear for your mental health. You’ve most likely met your objective when you hear whispered, worried conversations among the family, or notice the horse-ad flyers you left out are lying near the phone. Play your cards right, and you just may find another warm, velvety nose in the barn on December 25. and if not, well…there’s always next year. start early. Ange Dickson Finn is an award-winning freelance writer, western pleasure rider, and retired horse show mom who knows to be careful what you wish for, especially at Christmas. Visit her at theingate.com and ridewithoutfear.com, or email her at ange@ridewithoutfear.com.
illustration: william greenlaw
By Ange Dickson Finn