Jennifer Birckmayer (2)
When it comes to love and relationships, Jennifer Birckmayer, MA ’56, and Marney Thomas, MA ’68, PhD ’73, agree on one maxim: Building a sturdy marriage requires a lot of work. “Certainly in ours, there were periods when we thought we couldn’t stand to be with this person another minute,” says Birckmayer, who was married to Harold “Peter” Birckmayer ’52, MBA ’56, for 47 years, until he died in 2003. “But underneath that was the knowledge that of course we’re going to be together because that’s just the way it’s going to be.” Thomas, who has been married to her husband Joe for nearly 48 years, has also experienced difficult moments in her marriage—though the good has far outweighed the bad. “There are going to be rough spots, and there are going to be great spots,” she says. “If you asked me to give one piece of advice, I would say don’t worry about who is giving more on a day-to-day basis. You always give more than 50 percent. That’s a good formula for a long-term marriage.” Birckmayer and Thomas’ wisdom, gained from decades of marriage, appear among hundreds of elders’ insights—many offered by fellow Cornellians—in 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage, the latest book by Karl Pillemer, the Hazel E. Reed Professor in the Department of Human Development and director of the Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research. Released in January, the book gathers advice from more Jennif Jen nif i er and nnd Pe Peter ter Bi B rck rckmay m er, maarri rried ed in 1956, rem remaained ined than 700 people over age 64—some happily wedded togeth tog gether e err for eth or 47 ye yyears ars. ars for more than 50 years, others with rocky relationships, and some who divorced and went on to fulfilling second marriages. “It turns out that they offer astonishingly good advice,” Pillemer says. “In many cases, their advice shakes up conventional wisdom because they have lived through so many ups and downs.” For example, Pillemer frequently heard the adage, “Don’t go to bed angry.” “By around the 100th time, I really wanted to know why that piece of advice was so important,” he says. “I learned that what the elders were really talking about is not holding grudges. They believe giving into simmering anger is a relationship killer.” The book continues in the vein of Pillemer’s 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans (2011), which struck a chord with readers for its practical and relevant insights. In fact, it left them eager for more—the most common feedback db k Pillemer Pill received on the book was to expand its section on love and marriage. In both books, the insights come from interviews conducted by Pillemer and collaborators on the Legacy Project, a research program he founded to capture elder advice on careers, parenting, aging, and life. A gerontologist for more than HUMAN ECOLOGY 29