| TALES FROM THE BOX
Horseplay European Tour commentator Julian Tutt welcomes in the Year of the Horse by putting a uniquely equine spin on proceedings.
Daniel Wong (Poulter); AFP (Woods and Harmon)
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Ian Poulter (this page) living up to his reputation at the 2011 Hong Kong Open; Tiger Woods with former coach Butch Harmon (opposite) back in 2000 30
HK GOLFER・FEB 2014
arewell snake, hello horse. How much more appealing than the slimy, slippery poisonous little viper is the four-legged creature t hat ha s ser ved ma n k i nd so brilliantly over the centuries. Consider the many varieties: war horse, cart horse, dray horse, thoroughbred, steeplechaser, hurdler, show jumper, dressage horse, hunter, Shetland pony and even show pony. In an idle moment I wondered which golfers might have been what in an earlier life ... War horses have varied considerably over the years but the typical cavalry charger needed to be strong, to carry the armoured knight, brave and fleet of foot. The athletic Ernie Els springs immediately to mind. Cart horses are big and cumbersome, with enormous stamina and big hearts. Phil Mickelson is one of the gutsiest and most resilient golfers around. It’s not difficult to see him with a cart in tow. The dray horse is not dissimilar to the carthorse, but with a more specialised role. A willingness to loiter for hours outside breweries and public houses immediately suggests Darren Clarke, whose perfectionism would have ensured a correct delivery every time, although John Daly is a strong candidate too. In his case though there’s a danger the inn might not have received all that the brewery had dispatched. Golf is well served with thoroughbreds, who sprint fast and true all the way to the finish line. Surely Tiger Woods must be the pick of the yard here, with a “Best in Class” rosette for Seve Ballesteros. Steeplechasers, to a degree, share the qualities of carthorse and thoroughbred. Who can you see bringing home the field in the Grand National? A primetime Jack Nicklaus gets my vote. The hurdler is more thoroughbred, with less daunting obstacles to clear. Tom Watson strikes
me as the standout candidate. Show jumpers must be incredibly athletic, brave and finely attuned to their master’s every command. For his dedication to David Leadbetter, at the height of his career at least, Sir Nick Faldo represents the classification in this equine fairytale. Dressage mounts must be nimble dancers, with an ear for a tune and their rider’s wishes. A yout hf u l Woods perhaps wit h Butch Harmon in the saddle? The hunter must be limitlessly brave, full of stamina and aggression, willing to throw himself into the unknown without a second thought. They can be fallible too of course. Greg Norman is my hunter extraordinaire. T he She t la nd p ony i s a d i st i nc t ive , diminutive breed, much loved by children and designed to live out on the wild moors of Britain. They tend to make a lot of noise too. Look no further than UK-based Zimbabwean
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Tony Johnstone, although another expat, Australia’s Wayne Riley, qualifies too. Finally the show pony, and of the modern generation there is surely a clear winner in this category. There is no finer peacock striding the fairways than Ian Poulter. I write this as the Volvo Golf Champions nears its climax, where the over-sized Colin Montgomerie has been reminding us of his many talents. Not wishing to leave him out of this star-studded cast, perhaps he makes the list as the Trojan Horse. Just a thought ... As a long time and frequent international traveller it’s very easy to become rather blasé about the varied and fascinating places that we visit. This applies even within Europe where over the years we have been to all the great capital cities. As a small group of chatterboxes, we happy few commentators tend to dine out most evenings, often in the nearest watering hole we can find. A few years ago we decided that a greater ef for t mu st be made, a nd we took t he opportunity to visit the Coliseum in Rome, the Spanish Steps and the Pantheon; Montmartre, the Louvre and the Palace of Versailles in Paris; the wonderful Prado Museum in Madrid, full of Goya’s treasures; the aesthetic delights of Prague and Vienna and so on. It’s something all too few golfers do, and when you throw in other venues such as Beijing and Shanghai, Moscow, Sydney, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Jakarta, you realise what a hugely privileged life we lead. I’m indebted to Hong Kong-based Dominic Boulet for showing me HKGOLFER.COM
Golf is well served with thoroughbreds, who sprint fast and true all the way to the finish line. Surely Tiger Woods must be the pick of the yard here, with a “Best in Class” rosette for Seve Ballesteros. some of the delights of the Far East, which would have been so easy to miss. However, there are a few irritations involved in all this travelling. We are very fortunate in that we invariably travel in Business Class on long-haul flights, which is a great boon, and does allow one to arrive at the next tournament reasonably refreshed. I have developed the annoying habit of always wanting to be first off the plane, a desire that I quite often achieve. It’s not always possible though, and I confess it does cause the red mist to descend when the charge for immigration is on and there is a line of wheeled suitcases weaving their way erratically in front of me, their owners oblivious to the fact that they are trailing this wretched encumbrance three feet behind them, cunningly designed to trip up the unwary. Frequently there will be an elderly couple too, progressing sweetly and innocently at half a mile an hour and filling the whole companionway. Even if there is a little extra width they will foil your attempt to pass, by wobbling and swerving at the moment critique. You either have to politely wait, with mounting frustration and the crowd closing in on you from behind, or rudely yell at them and elbow your way through. Fear not, Mother, I pursue the former course. But then comes the escalator. Why is it that people are quite happy to walk up or down stairs, but as soon as they get on an escalator they stand still and side by side, thereby blocking the passage of anyone who wants to dash on down, or even up? On the London Undergound, just like the MTR, there is a code; the idle nonwalkers “Stand on the Right”, allowing the more athletically minded to pass unhindered. Great. So why can’t that happen at airports? Grrrr! This inconsiderate behaviour has started before the flight of course, with the passage through security. Why is it that people will stand in the queue, idly twiddling their thumbs, waiting until they actually get to the conveyor belt before they take laptops out of their cases, phones and loose change out of their pockets? More “grrrr”! Perhaps such frustrations will magically dissolve as we move into the Year of the Horse. Have a very happy Lunar New Year. HK GOLFER・FEB 2014
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