The Magazine Devoted to Mental Health
INTIMATE
secrets Sex isn't everything when it comes to being close
Kem
FR EE PU ZZ LE BO OK Feb 2019 LE T £4
2019
MAKE THIS YOUR YEAR Visualise. Inspire. Motivate.
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Behind every smile is a story. A candid chat about anxiety & childhood trauma
ways to de-stress
DIY essentials to try today
LGBT+ community
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Putting eating disorders in the spotlight – what help is out there?
It's time to respect your boundaries Avoid diet talk p56
Mara Wilson Matilda child star on living with OCD happiful.com | £4.00
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Photography | Nurhadi Cahyonoi
KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON “It always seems impossible, until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela
Lean on me “More often than we realise, people see in us what we don’t realise ourselves.” – Misty Copeland As hard as it can sometimes be to see our own potential, we need to allow the people who love us, to believe in and root for us when we can’t do it ourselves. With our special focus this month on both Children’s Mental Health Week and Eating Disorders Awareness Week, more than ever I was struck by how, even in those darkest moments where we can’t see a way forward or imagine it will get better, there is always someone on the periphery who hasn’t given up hope.
The answer isn’t always clear, and it may take some time to find what will truly help you, but what we hope you take from this issue is that you don’t have to make this journey alone. From our incredible cover star Kem speaking candidly about his panic attacks, to Hannah Witton’s insight into her new life with a stoma, to initiatives bringing yoga into schools, there will be a way forward – and people able to give you a helping hand to get there. We hope you find some comfort and inspiration in this issue, perhaps to try a new approach, but mainly to not give up hope. We’re here beside you.
Often, facing mental illness can feel like we’re all alone. That it’s just us, and we have to figure out how to manage what life throws at us ourselves. It can feel disheartening when what helps someone else – whether that’s medication, therapy, or finding a passion to channel their emotions – just doesn’t seem to work for us.
Happy reading,
Rebecca Thair Editor
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This Month in Happiful
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Look INSIDE
Features
The Uplift
16 Kem Cetinay
8 In the news
The Love Island star and Childline campaigner chats candidly about his anxiety, PTSD, and the power of family
52 EDs and LBGT+
With evidence showing that LBGT+ people are disproportionately affected by eating disorders, what help is out there?
60 Classroom yoga
Nearly half of children report feeling anxious each week, so could classroom yoga be the key to better mental health?
75 Time to Change
The social movement behind viral campaigns, and how you can get involved this Time to Talk Day
Life Stories 37 Stronger together
When Ruth's daughter developed an anorexia, they both embarked on the recovery journey and reached the other side together
47 Healing scars
Freddie endured years of bullying that left him feeling suicidal. But a moment of clarity made him determined to prevent others from experiencing what he did
67 Breaking free
A strict diet soon morphed into disordered eating for Hannah. Now, she hopes her story will inspire others to keep fighting
84 Brighter horizons
After years of feeling stuck in a rut, a simple ride in a tuk-tuk took Julia on a journey of self-discovery
24 P ositive visualisation 34 MH friendly mobile phone
12 The wellbeing wrap 14 Body neutrality
If self-love seems too far off, could 'body neutrality' be the movement we need? ENTER CODE:
HAPMAGFEB
87 Place2Be
We meet the charity stepping up to support children's emotional wellbeing
Lifestyle & Relationships 27 Blogging for chronic illness The new wave of bloggers creating an an online health support network, and how it could even lead to a new career
41 Five stress-busters 42 Getting intimate
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Beyond the bedsheets, we get a lesson on intimacy from a humanistic counsellor
58 Spice up your life
Mix it up with some Mexican-style wraps for the perfect packed lunch
71 The Little Princess Trust
Meet the charity giving free real-hair wigs to children with serious illnesses, and hear about the girl who inspired it all
80 Hannah Witton
The author and vlogger shares her journey with ulcerative colitis, and busts some myths on life with a stoma
Culture 30 Mara Wilson
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64 Happiful reads
56 How to avoid diet talk
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EXPERT PANEL Introducing the professionals behind Happiful Magazine helping to ensure we deliver the highest quality advice
OUR TEAM EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Editorial Assistant Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Graphic Designer
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Rosan Magar | Illustrator CONTRIBUTORS
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SONAL SHAH
DAVID SEDDON
Sonal is a nutritional therapist and health tutor. She is the director of Synergy Nutrition.
David is a humanistic counsellor with more than 10 years’ experience.
Gemma Calvert, Kat Nicholls, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Martin Robert Hall, Jenna Farmer, Yumna Samie, David Seddon, Patrick Kelleher, Rebecca Hastings, Ellen Hoggard, Lydia Smith, Philip Karahassan, Hannah Witton, Hope Virgo, Ruth Steggles, Freddie Cocker, Hannah Louise Brown, Julia Barbosa SPECIAL THANKS
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COMMUNICATIONS
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Joseph Sinclair, Krishan Parmar, Alice Theobald, Zoe Burt, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Janette Owen, Rebecca Field, Mercedes Lavin, Shehla Ali, Zarrin Kadir, Laura Simmons, Georgia White, Becky Wright, Nicholas Nawrattel, Katie Hoare
( CP MBA
cr Ac
FE ROBINSON
GRAEME ORR
Fe is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, and an EMDR therapist.
Graeme is a counsellor who specialises in relationships.
Lucy Donoughue Head of Content and Communications lucy.donoughue@happiful.com Amie Sparrow PR Manager amie.sparrow@happiful.com MANAGEMENT
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Rachel is a life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation.
Martin is a performance coach helping organisations and individuals to perform at their best.
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RISE ABOVE “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
The Uplift
SOCIETY
Wellbeing in the classroom gets good results Introducing classes in wellbeing alongside traditional subjects could have a significant impact on mental health in schools, a new study reveals
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oung people could benefit significantly from having wellbeing classes scheduled alongside maths, science and English lessons, a recent study by Nuffield Health suggests. The two-year pilot scheme introduced a dedicated member of staff to teach the pupils of an Oxfordshire secondary school about mental health and wellbeing. Headteacher of Wood Green Secondary School, Robert Shadbolt, described the programme as a success, and plans to add a regular wellbeing class to the school’s curriculum. The study revealed all 11 yeargroups who participated reported improvements in their energy levels, feelings of relaxation, as well as students’ confidence in their ability to deal with problems. Students also consumed more fruit (48%) and vegetables (59%) on average than they had prior to the classes. Pupils weren’t the only ones to benefit from the introduction of wellbeing to their curriculum. Teachers at Wood Green also showed a significant
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increase in wellbeing, as well as fruit (7%) and vegetable (13%) consumption as a result of the study. Nuffield Health has announced that it will offer a six-week programme, free of charge, to schools across the country. The programme will include guidance aimed at children and teens on what they should eat, how frequently they should exercise, as well as providing suggestions for how much screen time they should have. This free advice and guidance comes ahead of planned government guidelines that intend to outline the maximum amount of time young people should spend on social media, which was announced by Matt Hancock, the health secretary, and Dame Sally Davies, the chief medical officer, last September. As part of the introduction of compulsory mental health education in schools from September 2020, classes on building mental resilience and wellbeing are expected to be included alongside teaching young people how to recognise the signs that they or others are struggling with their mental health. Bonnie Evie Gifford
Award-winning student safe space Kettlethorpe High School, in Wakefield, has been awarded the Marjorie Boxall Quality Mark Award, a national accolade, for their work to improve pupils’ mental health. The secondary school received recognition for their support of students through their in-school nurture group. These teacher-led sessions encourage and help pupils from a range of backgrounds to overcome barriers in their education, including anxiety, trauma, and loss. Children can use the designated safe space (known as the Diamonds room) to talk to someone about any concerns they have, including during breaks and lunchtime, with around 75 students using the room each week.
Positive ISSUES
HAPPINESS
The pursuit of happiness – studies reveal what we strive for Research investigates whether we prefer experienced happiness, or remembered happiness
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hen it comes to happiness, where we’re from, and whether we’re considering longterm or short-term happiness, impacts our preferences, according to a series of studies carried out by the Harvard Business Review. With thousands of people aged 18 to 81 involved in the studies, the researchers asked participants what kind of happiness they preferred. When you’re feeling happiness in the moment (you’re having fun laughing with loved ones), this is called experienced happiness. When you look back at an event and feel happiness, this is known as remembered happiness. The question is, which type do we desire more? In one study, 1,145 Americans were asked to choose between experienced and remembered happiness for either a long timeframe (such as their life overall), or a short timeframe (such as the next hour). Most participants (79%) opted for experienced happiness
when asked about a longer timeframe. When asked about a shorter timeframe, the split between types was more equal (49%). Further studies within Western cultures garnered similar results; when choosing for their life, most participants opted for experienced happiness. When choosing for the next day, more opted for remembered happiness. Interestingly, results from Eastern cultures differed. Most participants from China and Japan opted for experienced happiness, regardless of the timeframe. Harvard Business Review says this could be down to Eastern cultures teaching the value of mindfulness. While these results are of course interesting to note, Harvard Business Review points out that it does not prescribe which form of happiness is ‘better’ to pursue. Instead, perhaps it’s a note to us Westerners that planning our lives by the day or hour will likely achieve a different version of happiness than the one we want for our entire lives. Kat Nicholls
Older adults are more motivated to experience positivity New research from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln has found that older adults are more motivated to feel positive. Speaking to NET news, Dr Maital Neta explains that there has already been lots of work showing that older adults pay attention to the positives in their life. “We’re building on that by demonstrating that when faced with something that is emotionally uncertain – something that could be positive or negative – older adults, for lack of a better word, choose to see the more positive interpretation.” When asked what’s next for their research, Dr Neta explained that they’ve also learnt that children are generally more negative. She says they plan to look into the mechanism that naturally gets us to feel more positive as we age to perhaps try and speed this up for those with more negative bias. Fingers crossed for a speedy solution!
February 2019 • happiful • 9
The Uplift
EMERGENCY SERVICES
Mind’s latest campaign wants to improve the mental health of A&E staff
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new mental health campaign by Mind is targeting emergency services medical staff in hospitals across the UK. Created by Helen Holden Design, with the strategy completed by Self Communications, the campaign aims to share the sentiment ‘Taking care of you’. The scheme comes after research last year by Mind found that staff in emergency departments were guilty of putting self-care last on their priority list. Sarah Fitzgerald, director at Self Communications, explains that those working in emergency departments tend to identify with a ‘performance’ culture, which is all about rising to the challenge, and thriving on adrenaline. “As a result, they tend to only think about their own mental health when
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having to deal with particularly traumatic cases, rather than something to be aware of all the time. “They improvise ways of coping, particularly clinical staff, who develop a kind of ‘armour’ – a resilient professional identity they project at work.” Taking care of you aims to improve awareness of self-care and offer ideas to help deal with concerns such as stress, anxiety and depression. Another aim of the campaign is to stop the stigma associated with mental health, particularly in a culture that is based around high performance and surviving. The campaign is being introduced as a pilot across five hospitals. If it is deemed a success, it will be rolled out nationally to around 20,000 staff across the country. Kat Nicholls
Friends and family of Gaynor Emery helped her celebrate her 70th birthday by raising £700 for charity. The money raised will go to the Air Ambulance, which she says she often sees flying over her home town of Ledbury, Herefordshire, and Bowel Cancer UK. Mrs Emery opted for this charity after a good friend of hers made a full recovery “thanks to the NHS”. It turns out this wasn’t the first time Mrs Emery had chosen to give rather than receive. On her 60th birthday she raised £650 for diabetes research, and for her and her husband Keith’s 40th wedding anniversary she raised £750, which went to the same diabetes charity and Help for Heroes. “You see so many injured people, and they don’t always get the support they deserve,” she says. Happy birthday from us, Mrs Emery! And thank you for reminding us all that it can be better to give than receive.
Images | Taking care of you cards: Helen Holden hholden-design.com, Air ambulance: Kev Gregory / Shutterstock.com
Taking care of you
Giving the gift of charity
Positive ISSUES
RELATIONSHIPS
Being kind to others can come from our mothers Our families and relationships could influence the way we treat others
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esearch has already shown families can pass down certain traits or beneficial resources through skill sharing or inheritance. And now new research suggests young people’s relationships with their parents and grandparents could help influence their choice to help others, or improve the environment around them. A recent study asked 976 Welsh teenagers aged 13 and 14 about their family relationships, and how they help others. More than one in four reported helping others often, with nearly two-thirds saying they did one or more activities to help others “often” or “sometimes”. Most teens reported providing support for those other than friends or relatives (such as helping out at a foodbank) as their most common good deed, followed by giving to charity or a good cause. When asked what motivated them to help others, 43% said to improve things or help people, with 28% reporting it was for personal
enjoyment. The results suggest young people are inspired by a combination of self-oriented and selfless goals, with a third claiming their involvement was both personally beneficial, and had benefitted others or the environment. Of those who took part, many identified family as the most important route to participating, with more than half saying their parents played the strongest role in encouraging them to get involved in voluntary activities, compared with friends (29%) and teachers (24%). Researchers discovered that those who felt they had a better relationship with their mothers were more likely to help others. During follow-up interviews, it was revealed that despite both parents encouraging children to participate and help others, the influences of fathers wasn’t visible to researchers. While more research may still be needed, the results so far suggest that the bonds forged within our family can lead to better engagement within our community. Bonnie Evie Gifford
Cute or cringe? Pet names strengthen our relationships Good news! Grab your honeybun or snuggle up to your snookums; new research suggests that using pet names can strengthen our romantic relationships. According to a survey of more than 1,000 adults aged 20–71, using pet names increases relationship satisfaction by 16% in the US, and 9% in Europe. Using endearments can be a sign that we are comfortable enough with each other to develop our own love language, further fostering a sense of intimacy between us and boosting emotional connections. Nearly three-quarters of us use pet names in our relationships, with most popular choices being “cutie”, “princess” and “honey”. On a slightly sour note, results revealed nearly half of men (44%) admitted to recycling pet names from one relationship to another – just a little something to keep in mind next time your bae slips and calls you babe.
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The
wellbeing wrap Sign for some
self-care
While unemployment was once the biggest single factor affecting our wellbeing, a recent survey has revealed something new is coming top of that list. The research commissioned by the Meath Foundation discovered that caring for someone with a chronic illness now has the greatest impact on our wellbeing, and serves as a stark reminder of how important it is to ensure that we all take care of ourselves, even if we’re helping others, too.
From the building blocks of success, to the benefits of cows having BFFs, and sending smells over the internet, here’s our short run-down of the essential, engaging and enlightening news this month
Off-pitch
You’ve undoubtedly heard about whalesong before, but what you may not know is that the pitch whales are singing in has been dropping over the past few decades, and a recent study believes it’s found the key to why. The research revealed a correlation between the breaking sea ice in the southern Indian Ocean, and the seasonal variation in the whale’s pitch, leading them to believe climate change could be the culprit. Another sign that our effect on the planet is changing the natural world around us.
This little piggy went for a massage Grossed out by feet, or a toe enthusiast, we have some news for you. Apparently a 10-minute foot massage could do wonders for your love life, with research finding that the activity releases oxytocin, our ‘love’ hormone. Often released during childbirth, when breastfeeding, and during orgasm, it’s the hormone usually associated with empathy, trust and building deeper relationships. Unfortunately, we’d say you probably have to give them as well as receive them to really see the benefits… so it may depend on your other half’s toes!
Everything is awesome Lego has claimed for a while that playing with their product is great for our wellbeing – even as good as doing yoga. But now, they’re looking to prove their point, albeit with only five participants’ feedback. They asked people to play with Lego during work, and see how it affected their overall wellbeing and productivity. The findings? People reported feeling calmer, more efficient, and generally felt better, particularly if they played with Lego in the morning. It may be worth reminding your boss about the power of play after all...
Seasonal changes Recent studies have discovered that the month when we are born can affect our personality traits. Looking at scientific reasons behind seasonal changes, such as the amount of light during the month, these studies suggest those born in spring have a tendency to be optimistic, but are also more susceptible to clinical depression – with depression rates highest for those born in May. For winter babies, there are higher levels of schizophrenia, bipolar, SAD and depression, however January and February months are associated with creativity and problem-solving, too! By no means is this conclusive information, but it’s interesting to think about how the season around us may have influenced the way we are.
Bovine buddies
Cows apparently have BFFs, and they do their wellbeing a world of good, according to research from Northampton University. The study revealed that between being penned with their friend, or a cow they didn’t know, the cows had significantly lower heart rates and demonstrated less stress overall when partnered with their buddy. The findings show that cows develop connections with each other, not unlike humans. How moo-ving!
Not to be sniffed at Freshly baked bread, your loved one’s perfume, clean sheets – there are plenty of smells we have an emotional attachment to, so what if you could digitally send a smell to someone? Researchers from Malaysia claim they’ve simulated smells by putting electrodes in people’s nostrils – suggesting that in the new wave of virtual reality, one day we’ll be able to enjoy virtual dinners with friends across the world. We probably won’t see the tech in day-to-day life anytime soon though, and some critics think the theory smells a little fishy...
Are you a biophile?
Either way, you might want to help your boss become one! Meaning a ‘love of nature’, creating a biophilic workplace involves bringing the outdoors inside for improved health and wellbeing. How can we bring the natural world inside you may ask? Well, incorporating large windows, and utilising natural material where possible (wood, stone and water features) can be really soothing. One study found that adding just one plant per square mile of office space saw employees become 15% more productive than those without greenery.
Feeling bitter? Do you have an obsession with a green tea, or salivate at the thought of those seasonal spiced lattes? Turns out our love, or distaste, for coffee and tea may actually be determined by our ability to detect bitterness. A study published in Scientific Reports revealed that the more sensitive someone is to the bitter taste of caffeine, the more they drink! Scientists believe that it is the positive reinforcement from the caffeine hit and their ability to detect the bitterness, which causes our brains to enjoy the taste more. Speaking of which, time for a tea break?
Tech support A new support service for young people’s mental and emotional health has been developed in Pembrokeshire, Wales, with an app called Happy Heart and Mind. Youngsters have been involved in creating the service, which is on online resource and support network for those children feeling anxious or overwhelmed. With the call for more digital support in mental health and wellbeing, the app is welcome news – hopefully we’ll see more of these services throughout 2019!
Sing it out Sister Act, Glee, Gareth Malone… they may all have been on to something. Research from the University of California, San Francisco, has discovered that getting involved in community music projects, such as choirs, can help combat loneliness in older adults. Their findings showed that people enjoyed working together as a group with a common goal, resulting in a happier outlook, along with a reduction in feeling lonely. Definitely something we should be vocal about!
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What is
Body Neutrality? Offering a safe space for those who find self-love inaccessible, body neutrality encourages body acceptance without the pressure Writing | Kat Nicholls Illustrating | Rosan Magar
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n recent years there’s been an uprising in the self-love movement, with articles, quotes, and celebs alike encouraging us all to love our bodies. This is, of course, a wonderful thing. While a large proportion of mainstream media outlets continue to tell us that any body that isn’t slim, white and able is ‘ugly’, it’s encouraging to see a resistance growing. Initially, this took the form of body positivity. Originating from the fat acceptance movement in the 60s, body positivity aimed to give a voice to those in marginalised bodies – especially fat, black, queer, and disabled bodies. As the movement gained steam, however, it became a twisted version of itself. The term got confused with body confidence and self-love. An influx of smaller-bodied, white women began using the term, and the community it was designed to support felt cast out, once again. Body positivity, self-love, and body confidence have become entangled,
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and many feel pressure to embrace and celebrate their bodies. For some, it’s simply a step too far. For those with chronic health conditions, disordered eating, body dysmorphia or disabilities, the idea of loving their body is... difficult. Like a mirage in the distance, it’s far away and difficult to make out. Becky Wright, fellow Happiful writer, tells me she’s had struggles with her body image for as long as she can remember. “I don’t think self-love is always attainable, especially for those of us who have a history of poor body image. The shame we’re told we shouldn’t feel about the way our bodies look can turn into added pressure when we’re not able to constantly love our bodies. “I’ve struggled with disordered eating and exercise addiction in the past. It’s only in the past couple of years, since becoming more in tune with my mental wellbeing, that I’ve noticed the connection between how I’m feeling and how I treat my body.”
Becky, and many others, are instead turning towards the concept of body neutrality, something that feels tangible, and entirely possible. What is body neutrality? The term body neutrality is believed to have been coined in 2010 by a treatment programme at the Women’s Centre for Binge and Emotional Eating in Vermont, USA. The idea behind body neutrality is to help us steer away from self-hate without the pressure of having to love our body. Instead, it’s about working towards a place where we respect our bodies, but don’t give too much energy to positive or negative thoughts about it. “Body neutrality feels like a white flag amidst the warzone of thoughts going on in my mind; I don’t have to hate or love my body, I just have to accept it as my body,” says Becky. This mentality takes off some of the pressure. For some, body neutrality is a stop-off point on the journey to self-love. For others, however, it’s the final destination.
Body neutrality feels like a white flag amidst the warzone of thoughts going on in my mind How can we embrace body neutrality? The relationship we have with our body can be messy and complicated. Embracing body neutrality can simplify things by taking a step back and seeing our bodies for what they are – our home. To do this, we need to remove some pressure and focus on other personal attributes. “In my opinion, part of the problem with the body confidence movement is that it’s trying to embrace a way of thinking that defies what the majority of society believes – that you should start loving the body you’ve not loved your entire life,” Becky explains.
“I would say, try to shift your focus away from trying to love your body and instead aim to make your body image a smaller part of your overall focus. Tune into what you’re proud and thankful for, and self-love may come as a by-product of doing so.” We long for the day when all body types are celebrated and appreciated, but we know there’s a long way to go. If you find the body positivity movement helpful and inspiring, we urge you to follow along. Listen, learn and interact with those in the community. If you find it puts too much pressure on you – please don’t give up. We may not all be able to reach a point where
Tips to get started on the path to body neutrality: • Write down a list of personal qualities and attributes about yourself that have nothing to do with your body. • Consider what your body enables you to do. What aspects of your body are you grateful for? • When you find yourself thinking negatively about your body, try to shift your focus to something outside of your body. Call a friend or go for a walk, anything to get you out of your head. we can say “I love my body”, but we can try to find a middle ground. We can leave the destructive thoughts of self-hate behind and set up camp in a place of neutrality. A place where we respect and honour our bodies. A place that feels more like home.
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Jumper | American Apparel
Behind
this smile
From his bromance stealing the show on Love Island 2017, to skating up a storm on Dancing on Ice, the nation may have fallen in love with Kem Cetinay and his cheeky persona in recent years, but there’s a lot more going on behind that smile than people realise. As Childline’s first mental health campaigner, Kem is on a journey to open up about his experiences to help young people understand and get support for their mental health. Here, he speaks candidly about his anxiety and depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal thoughts. But, most importantly, how he’s working through it all with the love and support of his family Interview | Gemma Calvert Photography | Joseph Sinclair
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few hours before Kem Cetinay meets Happiful, he was at the ITV studios in west London having ‘a moment’ before an appearance on Loose Women alongside Chris Hughes – his best pal and fellow star of Love Island 2017. The pair had been asked to dress up as sexy Santas and at the last minute to appear minus their shirts, and for Kem it was not, repeat not, happening. To those who watched the 22-yearold barber on the hit ITV2 show, this probably sounds confusing.
Anyone who spends an entire summer being filmed in their swimwear must be dripping in confidence, right? Not exactly. In the weeks since returning from filming I’m A Celebrity… Extra Camp in Australia, Kem says he has been less of a slave to the gym, and it’s slightly impacted his self-esteem. But his backstage wobble tells a bigger story – of an ongoing battle with anxiety, which began 12 years ago, and how it can be triggered by “the smallest things”, including spontaneous changes to plans. Continues >>>
“If we’re going somewhere, I need to know what’s going on, everything that’s happening. I don’t like something happening that might not be what I want it to be and, right now, I don’t feel comfortable with my top off, so I was freaking out saying to Chris: ‘I don’t want to do it’,” explains Kem. “I do need to develop my self-confidence. It still needs a lot of improving.” Anxiety, Kem claims, doesn’t define him, but since becoming one of the UK’s most in-demand reality TV stars, with an ITV2 spin-off show You Vs Chris and Kem, his mental health story has been well-documented. It’s why last summer he was invited by children’s counselling charity Childline to be a mental health campaigner – their first – and the reason we’re sitting, just the two of us, in the hair and make-up room of a photography studio in east London, discussing the time when Kem’s mental health issues began – aged 11, when doctors gave his mum, Figen, just 24 hours to live after she contracted septicaemia and fell into a coma following a hysterectomy. “I remember going to the hospital and dad told me I had to say goodbye, that it was going to be the last time I would see my mum. She was so ill and I couldn’t get my head around it, because she was fine the last time I’d seen her,” says Kem, shaking his head. “I’ve never experienced anything that intense in my whole life. I felt like I was losing everything, because my mum is my best friend.” By a miracle, Figen pulled through but took a long time to recover, and Kem became fiercely protective, often refusing to be separated from her for fear she would leave him. “She had to sleep in my room in a bed next to me until I was 13, and I never stayed at friends’ houses,” he says. “Whenever I tried, I felt lost and would cry, and mum would come and pick me up. I wasn’t young at this age;
I had just started secondary school. It took a big toll on me.” Kem saw a series of therapists to try to combat his separation anxiety, but the situation worsened four years later when an operation to remove his tonsils went wrong and his kidneys started to fail. Kem, then a semiprofessional footballer, struggled to eat and “lost loads of weight”. He became so weak he could no longer play sport, which badly affected his confidence.
I’ve never experienced anything that intense in my whole life. I felt like I was losing everything “I was in such a bad way,” says Kem, who remembers his first panic attack on board a London train, a terrifying experience where he was “dripping in sweat and losing breath. I felt like I was going to die.” From there, he “plummeted down”, and once-normal activities, including going to restaurants, became impossible due to the frequency of the panic attacks. During a fortnight family holiday to Mexico, Kem never once left his hotel room, and by his GCSEs, he was a recluse at the family home in Gidea Park, Essex, only attending school to sit exams he hadn’t studied a moment for. “I took three, passed two, and didn’t do the rest,” admits Kem. Were his mum and dad concerned? “Mum and dad were more concerned about me being alright than worrying about my schooling,” he replies, gazing towards the studio where retired fashion designer Figen, who frequently accompanies her son on work commitments, is sitting. Later,
when Kem is in front of the camera, she explains how proud she is, seeing how far he has come since the days and nights he would lock himself away in his bedroom. During those times, Figen’s only way of communicating with Kem was via text. She would sit on the floor outside his door, typing words of love and encouragement, silent tears streaming down her face. The guilt Kem felt over the pain he believes he caused Turkish Cypriots Figen, and her pharmaceutical engineer husband Niyazi, contributed to him feeling suicidal. “I was scared of the thought of feeling it, but I felt it,” he admits. “I felt like I had no use and I’m such a family person [so] the impact it was having on my family, I thought: ‘This is really not fair.’ “Mum said she knew I was bad, because she found a book I used to write in. She said it contained some of the darkest things she’d ever read, that it would be easier to not be alive because I was such a burden on everyone else.” Shortly after, Kem was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. He was eventually prescribed antidepressants, which he only took for a week because they made him groggy, and saw a long list of therapists, counsellors and even a hypnotherapist. Finding a specialist he trusted and whose methods worked was tough. “They were going about it the wrong way,” explains Kem. “One asked me to bring a hand fan with me to calm me down, but there were deeper thoughts to it than that.” The breakthrough came just before his 16th birthday when Figen discovered a local therapist who “took a really different approach”, guiding Kem through breathing and meditative techniques, and teaching him to mentally stay in control during the terrifying panic attacks. Continues >>>
T-Shirt | American Apparel
Driven by DREAMS
January 2019 • happiful • 19
Dame Kelly Holmes
20 • happiful • January 2019
“One day I felt really anxious, and she locked the door and said: ‘I want to prove to you that you can get through it, you’re mentally strong enough.’ I started having a panic attack. I was pacing the room, sweating and getting nervous, then eventually I calmed down. She’d timed it and the attack had lasted four minutes. I still use that [approach] now to help. When I get really anxious, I think: ‘It’ll be done in a few minutes.’ She gave me control of my own body.” This tiny step of progress changed everything for Kem. He applied for a job as an apprentice barber in London, and passed with distinction three months later. As well as the creative benefits of hairdressing, by chatting with customers, Kem rebuilt the social skills he had lost, something he calls “day-to-day therapy”.
Shirt | American Apparel
When I get really anxious, I think: ‘It’ll be done in a few minutes’ One of Kem’s clients – a high flier at Barclays – heard about auditions for a new series of Love Island, which sees contestants form couples and compete for a £50,000 prize, and urged Kem to apply. “One day he took me up to London and said: ‘You’ve just got to do it.’ I was put in front of a camera to talk about myself – things that were so hard for me – but it was confidencebuilding. Before I knew it, I’d been picked for the show. I’d been so bad and so low, I thought: ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ I wanted to do it as a challenge.” And a challenge it was. Behind his toned physique, honed by gym workouts from the age of 15 when
his father encouraged him to exercise to help his mental health, was a once-socially isolated teenager who had limited experience with the opposite sex. Growing up, Kem had never been on “more than one date with the same person” because of a deep-rooted fear of abandonment and inability to open up about his mental health problems. On Love Island he was understandably out of his depth, and frequently required private one-to-one sessions with a show psychologist to cope. “There was a little beach hut where I’d go all the time to offload and cry,” he recalls. “It became common knowledge in the villa that I was suffering, that it was a lot deeper than what aired on TV. People were surprised. They didn’t expect it because I come across as such a confident person.” Kem went on to win the series with Welsh dancer Amber Davies. They shared the cash prize, but the relationship crumbled a few months later following a series of rows. Although Kem instigated the split, he remembers feeling “two angles” of pressure following the break-up – his own natural heartbreak, and the pain of dealing with the wrath of die-hard fans who were criticising him on social media. “Everyone was having a go at me,” says Kem, who has 2.2m followers on Instagram alone. How did he cope? “I threw my phone out of the window of a car. Best thing I’ve ever done,” he says. “Without it, I had the most reflective two weeks, to really know I’d made the right decision. I wish I could do it now.” Kem believes social media may be to blame for so many youngsters feeling overwhelmed by life. According to British charity YouthNet, a third of young women and one in 10 young men have panic attacks. Continues >>>
“People are anxious because of someone who doesn’t really matter, saying horrible things about them,” he says. “Recently I uploaded a photo with Chris and there were 350 comments – and I saw one saying ‘what a pair of dicks’. I got so upset about it. “The other day, I kept going on Instagram and Twitter and thought: ‘What am I doing looking at other people’s lives?’ I was making myself feel really anxious for no reason. Within 10 minutes of turning my phone off, I felt so much better. That was a big wake-up call for me. I didn’t realise how obsessed I’d become.” Although Kem still experiences anxiety and depression, he no longer takes medication, and feels he is better at dealing with it. Over the past year, he has almost completely turned his back on alcohol after realising it lead to him having sky-high anxiety the following day. He is also careful about not taking on too much work at once, and believes in the emotional power of having purpose, which has has led him to work with Childline. Kem still struggles romantically, but the day before we meet he experienced a breakthrough. After a year of cancelling a number of first dates, he overcame his fears and went for a drink with a girl who “works in the industry, but on the other side”. Judging by the smile on his face, things went well. “I asked the same question three times in a row – ‘how’s work?’ – and it took me about 10 minutes to calm down and have a chat but, yeah, it went well!” he laughs. You wonder where the ego, which former Love Island contestant Olivia Attwood accused Kem of being ruined by, is hiding? The young man here today, dancing with our photographer’s dog and sweetly hugging his mum at any opportunity, seems anything but affected by fame.
Further proof of his authenticity lies in the fact he’s declined an offer to publish a book about his mental health journey because he “doesn’t really read” and wants his story “to feel like it’s come from me”. A TV documentary is another avenue but, for now, Kem – who competed in last year’s Dancing On Ice and is the new backstage reporter on this year’s show – is focused on raising mental health awareness among youngsters. In January, he started a school tour with Childline, delivering speeches at senior schools, and says things would have been vastly different if someone had done the same when he was a teenager. “I would have talked about it a lot earlier, and started working on it sooner. Back then, I couldn’t put how I felt into words. Now the words feel so easy. I feel scared, I feel alone, but when it was happening, I felt like the whole world was coming down.” I ask him to visualise sitting beside a 15-year-old version of himself, locked in his bedroom when depression and anxiety were in their infancy. What words would he whisper? “I’d encourage him to talk about his feelings because nobody will understand how he feels unless he talks to someone. I’d also tell myself that it’s in my hands to make things change,” he says. “I didn’t have any GCSEs, I used to play semi-professional football, but I lost it. Then I realised I had something to give, and that happiness is in my own hands. Now I’m obsessed with doing well. TV is a new world to me. Before, footballers were my idols, and now my idol’s Phillip Schofield! Everything’s completely changed.” Kem is Childline’s Mental Health Campaigner. Childline is the UK’s free, 24-hour helpline for children and young people up to the age of 19, and offers counselling services to young people experiencing anxiety. Visit childline.org.uk
Grooming | Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Active Silver, Cosmetics Ă la Carte, Lab series skincare for men Styling | Krishan Parmar assisted by Zoe Burt
The power of
POSITIVE VISUALISATION The brain is an amazing machine, with the ability to both create and destroy. By harnessing this to our advantage, we can use the tools we are all born with to forge a better life
T
Writing | Martin Robert Hall Illustrating | Rosan Magar
he first and most important function of our brain is to keep us safe. This means it is brilliant at magnifying any potential dangers, so we can steer clear of them. But it doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and imagined. This means it is possible to control the way we feel, just by thinking about something. Unfortunately, most people spend more time worrying about things they don’t want to happen – while we often find more success in focusing on what inspires us.
24 • happiful • February 2019
Successful people in all walks of life have a vision of what they want to achieve. Positive visualisation is simply using the power of our mind to imagine and create a vision of our future. Here are five ways that harnessing the power of positive visualisation can help you.
1 Providing inspiration
People tend to do things for one of two reasons: to move towards the feeling of pleasure, or to move away from pain. The trouble with moving away from pain is that, while it can be a catalyst for change, it’s a very draining way to motivate yourself.
Thinking about what you want to achieve, and staying focused on positive outcomes, is a powerful way to keep you feeling inspired. The more inspired you feel, the easier it will be to take action towards your goals. Take five or 10 minutes every morning to quietly focus on your day ahead. Visualise a positive, happy experience where you overcome any setbacks, and achieve all your goals with ease. It’s not always easy to focus on the positive, but this simple step can work wonders.
2 Overcoming setbacks
No matter what your goals are, inevitably you will face obstacles and setbacks. They are part of the process, but ensuring you are equipped in the right way can prevent them from bringing your progress to a halt. One of my clients, Rochdale FC footballer Joe Thompson, used the power of positive visualisation. After conquering cancer, not once but twice, he was able to use his mind to stay focused on what he wanted to achieve, when everything around him was crumbling. He stayed focused on the future, returned to professional football, and scored the winning goal that saved Rochdale from relegation on the final day of last season. Staying focused on the positive through setbacks and challenges can be hard, but positive visualisation, if you can master it, will always help to keep you on track.
3 Motivating others
When leading a team, keeping members positively focused on the future is a vital part of maintaining motivation. In every business there are tasks that can become monotonous and
uninspiring. If the team doesn’t have a clear focus on where they’re going and why, they can quickly lose their sense of motivation. Regularly reminding them of the positive vision of the future is a vital part of inspirational leadership. Set aside time each week to talk about the overall business goals, making sure that everyone is aligned to the same strategy. People are happier when they feel part of something bigger – and making them feel included in the vision will help their wellbeing, too.
4 Boosting happiness
The brain is better at recognising the things that go wrong because it’s designed to protect us from danger. But when we focus more on what has gone wrong, rather than what’s gone well, we can feel pretty low. Studies show that happier people are more productive, and this has a powerful cumulative effect when it comes to teamwork. Focusing more on successes results in better performance. A simple way to introduce this is to start each team meeting by reviewing all of the things that have gone well. Success leaves clues…
If the team doesn’t have a clear focus on where they’re going and why, they can quickly lose their motivation
5
PLUS POINTS
5 Reducing mistakes
In sport, the more athletes think about executing their skills successfully, the more chance they have of doing it when the time comes to perform on the field of play. You can take this into all kinds of situations, such as giving a presentation. A lot of people fear public speaking, so they spend more time worrying about making mistakes than imagining it going really well and seeing themselves speaking with confidence, clarity, and composure. You must see it to believe it. Build the practice of positive visualisation into your life, and watch your results start to soar. Martin Robert Hall is a specialist in high performance, helping top athletes, organisations, and individuals to consistently perform at the highest level. He is the author of two books, and was a finalist for Business Coach of the Year 2018. Find out more at martinroberthall.co.uk Positive visualisation is a useful coaching technique to help with your development and goals. If this isn’t for you, don’t worry – search for our coach or counsellor article at happiful.com
Photography | Hannah Busing
NEVER GIVE UP “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
The new
bloggers on the block
We all know writing a journal can be beneficial to our mental health, but could the internet be a new way of coping with long-term health problems? Writing | Jenna Farmer
Y
ou’re probably no stranger to the terms blogger, or influencer, but did you know that their reach can go far beyond the latest lipstick or fashion haul? There’s a new wave of bloggers, using their platforms in a different way – to shine a light on the realities of living with a chronic illness. In today’s technologydriven era, many of us consume blogs on a daily basis. I’m a blogger myself – but you’re less likely to find me opening up my wardrobe, and more likely to find me opening up about my toilet habits! When diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in 2012, I decided to create a blog about my journey with the condition. Yet, I’m not the only one blogging about personal health. In fact, there was a 33% increase in searches around health blogs in 2018. So what is it that makes confessing the ins and outs of our conditions so appealing?
BLOGGING IS THE NEW JOURNALLING
Studies show that expressing yourself through writing can help your anxiety, with the University of California reporting that when individuals get their feelings out on paper, it reduces activity in the amygdala – the specific part of the brain which controls the intensity of our emotions. “Blogging, at times, is no different to therapeutic 28 • happiful • February 2019
writing,” explains psychologist Victoria Galbraith. “Responses from others who value the content can create a sense of universality, or ‘I’m not alone’,” she adds. As opposed to journalling, blogging offers the added benefit of receiving those responses from your readers in real-time. Donna Grant, who runs februarystars.co.uk, a site about her battles with fibromyalgia and Lyme disease, agrees. “I find writing cathartic, and blogging helps me process my thoughts and emotions,” she says.
Studies show that expressing yourself through writing can help your anxiety
SUPPORT NETWORK
Blogging forges lifelong friendships, and offers the chance to connect with people who are going through the same things. And boy, do we need it! Living with a long-term illness can be lonely – there’s even scientific proof. A recent study published in The Open Psychology Journal found a correlation between increased loneliness and chronic diseases. This can especially be the case with rare conditions, as it feels as though no one really understands. At the time of setting up my blog, I was an expat in China (where Crohn’s is very rare) and was able to use the blog to get answers to the pressing questions I had, and gain reassurance that everything I was going through was normal. With this online community, I finally stopped feeling like an outsider.
My top tips for starting your
blog
1 Offer to guest post.
4 Find your tribe. Use
2 Don’t focus on the
5 Be patient. It might feel
Test the water by approaching your favourite blogger.
numbers. The benefits of blogging are far more than the number of followers you have.
3 Don’t splash the cash.
Wordpress and Blogger both offer a free platform to help you get started.
hashtags on Instagram to find other bloggers – and connect! like no one is reading at first, but keep at it. “It takes time to build a blog – success doesn’t happen overnight,” explains Donna Grant. Stay posted and follow me on Instagram @jennafarmeruk
Jenna is a freelance health writer. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health over at abalancedbelly.co.uk
Jenna Farmer
Rachel Jury, who blogs at rocking2stomas.co.uk about life with bladder and bowel stomas, says: “I felt like I was the only person in the world to have two stomas. Blogging has helped so much in accepting my illnesses and through blogging, I have met friends, my boyfriend, and a community I belong in.” But you don’t even need to be writing a blog yourself to feel the benefits. Claire Greenaway, who has Crohn’s disease, says: “I read lots of blogs because it’s a real person with an actual illness behind it;
rather than someone who’s just researched it. You can make friends with fellow readers, and even the blogger themselves. You feel involved and that’s why I love blogs!”
A NEW CAREER
For some, blogging can also open up a whole new career path, too. Sadly, many individuals with chronic conditions struggle to work full-time. Not only do symptoms make this difficult, but we need understanding employers who can help make adaptations, support us with
time off for appointments, and not make us feel guilty for taking sick days. The new wave of selfemployment in the UK can be advantageous for bloggers; allowing us to be our own bosses and work around our conditions. Four years after being diagnosed with Crohn’s, I left my role as a teacher to work for myself as a freelance writer. Now I give myself permission to take time out – knowing I can be in control of my schedule, and I finally have nothing to feel guilty about. “Unfortunately, the year after my fibromyalgia diagnosis, my health deteriorated and I was left bedbound by unrelenting fatigue,” says Donna Grant. “I lost my job, and my blog gave me a focus. I realised that there was a potential to earn a small income from blogging, and it essentially became my job,” she adds. Some bloggers use their sites as a platform to showcase their writing skills, while others become fulltime advocates. But either way, many companies are starting to appreciate the value of patient experiences. “I’m now a consultant for a stoma company, and have had many public speaking opportunities,” explains Rachel Jury. But it’s not just about profiting from your skills. “I feel blogging has helped me feel useful to society again,” says Natalie Garton, who blogs at thespooniemummy.com. February 2019 • happiful • 29
Mara Wilson LIVING THE FEAR At the age of six, Hollywood became a constant in Mara Wilson’s life. From starring in Mrs Doubtfire to her iconic role in Matilda, the former child star’s body of work went from strength to strength. That was until she abruptly broke-up with Hollywood at the age of 13, and never looked back. Today, Mara is an astute writer and passionate activist who uses her voice to speak up about life with OCD, and the realities of childhood fame. When we meet, Mara is in London with the Texas-based charity Okay to Say to tackle mental health stigma with talks and events. So that’s where we start... Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
HI MARA, HOW’S YOUR STAY IN THE UK GOING? It’s great! I’m drinking Yorkshire Tea and watching a lot on BBC. DO YOU THINK ATTITUDES TO MENTAL HEALTH ARE DIFFERENT IN THE US TO THE UK? American culture is very much focused on this idea of a “just world”. You get what you give. The saying is “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, everyone has to help themselves. There, the stigma works so that you can talk about depression, as long as it’s something in the past that you got over. People see it as a weakness if you choose to get help for it.
DID THAT STIGMA AFFECT YOU GROWING UP? Well, I got help when I was very young. But I struggled because I was afraid to tell people. I was eight years old and I was worried about germs, I was washing my hands all the time, I couldn't step on certain places on the ground and I had lucky and unlucky numbers. I felt that if I told anyone, they would say that I was “crazy” – and I didn’t know what happened to people who were labelled crazy. SO WHAT LED YOU TO ASK FOR HELP? I was 12 when I read a book called Kissing Doorknobs about a girl who had OCD. I found this book and I remember crying when I read Continues >>>
Mara Wilson: What’s next
Mara chats with Happiful’s Kathryn Wheeler
Photography | Jon Hatcher (Okay to Say)
When you leave Hollywood, people either want to see you as a failure, or as a saint it, because I suddenly wasn’t alone. I think it was quite hard to get the adults around me to accept that, because I think they don’t want to damn a child with a diagnosis. BUT, FOR YOU, THAT DIAGNOSIS WAS HELPFUL? Oh yes, it was the best day of my life. It was such a relief. I was so happy that there was a name. Some people don’t like labels, but I did. My OCD doesn't come out in very stereotypical ways, but I do like labelling things. That makes me feel safer. I could then make a plan.
32 • happiful • February 2019
WHAT WAS THE PLAN? I went to therapy and I went on medication. I was at a school and I was very depressed there, and so I left and went to a boarding school for visual and performing arts. We had a wonderful psychiatrist who we could talk openly about our mental health with. It was a very warm and welcoming place. DID THAT CONTINUE THROUGHOUT YOUR EDUCATION? I do remember there was a time in college where I started having bad panic attacks again, and I had to
go back and get treatment for that. I encountered a lot of hostility there. People were like: “Well we weren’t told that our million dollar smiles were going to get us through everything.” I think that a lot of people felt like they could have been in the same position that I had been as a kid. YOUR MEMOIR, WHERE AM I NOW?, HARKS BACK TO GOSSIP ARTICLES ABOUT ‘WHERE CHILD-STARS ARE NOW’. WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE SO INTERESTED IN THAT? I think that when someone is famous and then they’re not any more, people
Childhood CHALLENGES
like to construct a narrative around it. Child stars are people that others like to feel sorry for, though I’m not sure why. Also, I think that when you leave Hollywood people either want to see you as a failure, or as a saint who’s walking away from all the pleasures of life. I think it’s human nature to want to make up a story about things. AND PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM SEPARATING THE CHARACTER FROM THE ACTOR? Exactly, they do. When you affect someone’s childhood, you affect it forever. And that is incredibly important and incredibly interesting. People will remember you. I had a great time being a child actor, but there were also times when it was extremely difficult. You can feel very judged and it can be unhealthy as you’re growing up. So, of course, you see people who are struggling with these things, and who are dealing with issues as they get older. DOES MORE NEED TO BE DONE TO PROTECT CHILD ACTORS’ EMOTIONAL WELLBEING? I think there is probably more now. But a lot of it depends on the family and the team behind the kid. Sometimes I feel like a big sister to child actors; I’m very protective of them. Obviously, I don’t want to say what’s best for them, but I know the struggles that I went through, and there are things that you should and shouldn't say, and there are things that I think are and aren’t helpful to draw attention to. THINGS YOU WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY? Well, I don’t regret the things that I did. But sometimes I think that I should have stopped after Matilda.
Being in films was such a constant in my life after my mother died. I think it’s extremely important to know that acting isn’t the be all and end all. THERE WAS A PERIOD WHERE YOU WEREN’T COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR ASSOCIATION WITH THE CHARACTER OF MATILDA. HOW DID YOU COME BACK TO HER? Honestly, writing about it helped. For a long time, I had severe imposter syndrome; I didn’t feel like I deserved any of the acclaims. I didn’t make the movie, I didn’t write the book. It’s not that I’m bitter about being associated with her, it’s that I don’t feel worthy. WORTHY OF THE FAME? Worthy of the association with her, I think. She is such a remarkable character, and I always felt like I was living in the shadow of a much cooler, much smarter older sister. I felt like people liked her more than they liked me, and I think that it was hard for me to take the compliment for a long time. I didn’t feel like I deserved that and I was insecure about that, and my place in the world, and whether that was all I was going to be to people. At this point, it very well might be, but I’m OK with that and I am proud of it.
MATILDA RECENTLY TURNED 30. WHY DO YOU THINK WE STILL LOVE THE CHARACTER ALL THESE YEARS LATER? There aren’t that many female protagonists that are as strong and intellectual as she is. And it gives a very important lesson that even if you are unhappy in your present situation, it’s not always going to be like that. That’s very empowering for people who are struggling and who are in different family situations, or who have mental illnesses. Also, it’s cool to see things fly and a television explode. Children want to be empowered. They have very little control over their lives, and so that’s always going to appeal to them. IN YOUR BOOK YOU INSTRUCT THE READER TO: “LIVE YOUR FEAR.” DO YOU FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE? I try to. When you’re a very fearful person, you don’t have much of a choice! I don’t think it necessarily means putting yourself in positions where you feel fearful or uncomfortable, but I also think that sometimes you can’t help but live your fear. For more from Mara, follow her on Twitter @MaraWilson. To find out more about Okay to Say, visit okaytosay.org
Win a signed copy of Where Am I Now? True Stories of Girlhood and Accidental Fame. To be in with a chance, email competitions@happiful.com telling us what your favourite childhood book was.* *Closes 14 February, UK mainland only, T&Cs available at happiful.com
Transform
your technology
Too much time on our phones can impact our mental health. Here, we investigate how to make our mobiles more MH friendly, and the steps might be simpler than you think... Writing | Yumna Samie Illustrating | Rosan Magar
I
n the past decade, mobile phones have taken the world by storm. According to Statista, it’s estimated that in 2019, five billion people on Earth will own cell phones. While innovation can be great, and there are many positives to having a phone, this increase in technology could have a negative impact.
Studies have shown that mobile phones can contribute to mental health problems, ranging from comparison traps and low self-esteem, to anxiety and depression. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to give up their phones, especially in this increasingly interconnected society, but there are ways we can lessen their potentially harmful impact on our collective mental health. Here are five of the best tips I’ve found to ensure that my mobile doesn’t take over my life, and remains a useful and positive tool instead:
1 Re-organise your apps
You know that old saying “a messy room is a messy mind”? The same theory can be applied to your phone. Having a cluttered home screen means you’re more likely to get lost in the mess.
App organisation can take different forms for different people. Personally, I utilise a three-folder system: •P roductivity (apps like weather, notes, and clock) •P rocrastination (social media and games) • Extras (settings, app store, contacts, photos etc.) By using this method, I’ve become more aware of how often I use my phone for procrastination rather than productivity. Try different folder methods until you find one that makes your screen time most worthwhile.
2 Reduce toxicity
While I love social media, and many people can find it a welcoming space to find a like-minded community, there are also some negatives with it. Social media can make it easy to fall into the trap of comparison around Instagram models and YouTube influencers. Reducing the toxicity around social media can help you be less vulnerable to these things, and a great way of looking at this comes from the organising consultant Marie
Kondo. Ask yourself “does this spark joy?” when looking through your social media. Are you “hate-following” someone? Or following them because you feel you “have” to? If you answered yes to these questions, it’s most likely time to move on from that account. Your feed will feel refreshed and bring you positivity with a cull every now and then.
Five billion people on Earth will own cell phones in 2019 3 Engage in a way that supports mindfulness and mental health
Once you get rid of the negativity on your phone, there’s going to be lots of extra space to fill with positivity. Look up apps and social media accounts that support your journey to a more mindful lifestyle. One tool that I have found helpful is a messaging service through Facebook’s Messenger app called Shine Text. This sends daily advice for mindfulness and mental health, providing great reminders throughout the day. There are also hundreds of other apps that help with mindfulness and improve your relationship with your phone; apps like Calm and Headspace teach you how to meditate, and Optimism has mood tracking features to help those with anxiety and depression.
4 Schedule phone time into your day Here’s the thing with mobiles, and you hear it all the time; they’re addictive – a technological drug. I can spend my entire day on schedule,
but as soon as I look at my phone for five minutes, I lose it. Five minutes becomes 10, which becomes 20... Instead of accidently derailing your daily plan, schedule phone time. If you like checking social media, or reading the news over breakfast, give yourself 20 minutes on your phone around that time, and stick to it. This allows you to get your social media fix, while not taking over your life.
5 Tune in with a purpose If you’re on your phone a lot, you probably know how easy it is to spiral and be on your phone for far longer than you were planning. It’s like going shopping without a list; you walk into a shop needing eggs, milk, and butter, and walk out with snacks, socks, and
a new pair of shoes. You end up with nothing that you originally intended to get. Just like shopping, if you go into being on your phone with a plan and do your best to stick to that plan, you end up having a more productive experience. With a lot of negative media around mobile phones, it’s easy to view the issue in extremes. However, it is definitely possible to enjoy your phone without harming your mental health. I hope these tools help you find a balance in our cellular world.
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TECH TIPS
Photography | Yuri Efremov
5 SELF-LOVE ACTIVITIES – Re-read your favourite book – Make a list of your favourite qualities about yourself – Cook yourself an indulgent dinner – Take a long, relaxing bath – Make a feel-good playlist and listen to it on repeat
My daughter’s anorexia changed my life Recognising her child’s eating disorder was one thing, but knowing how to support her, while pushing forward as a family, was another
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Writing | Ruth Steggles
t was Easter 2010, and it seemed that life couldn’t get any better. My direct-selling business was booming and, the year before, we had taken a dream family holiday to Florida. Our son had started to settle in secondary school, and our daughter, Katharine, had completed an amazing final year in primary. In the run up to Easter there had been the usual banter about what Easter eggs the kids were hoping to have. I had noticed that Katharine hadn’t taken a yoghurt to school for a while, and spoke to a GP friend about my concerns. She reassured me there wasn’t a problem. On Easter morning, Katharine happily opened her egg, broke off a tiny square of chocolate, ate it with relish, and declared she was full! I can still feel that moment. It was like the floor was opening up, and my world was falling apart. I looked at our beautiful, vivacious daughter, how had I not noticed before? How had I not seen how thin she was?
Confronting the situation seemed to make matters 10 times worse. She had obviously been reducing how much she ate, but now it was out in the open, she seemed to eat even less. There followed a round of waiting rooms, doctors’ surgeries, and weighing scales. We discovered that all our socialising had revolved around food – when we visited friends, had people over, or went out, there was always a meal involved. Not only did we feel too exhausted to socialise, but the challenge of food being involved on these occasions made it too stressful. We became very isolated and insular. In order to get a diagnosis of anorexia, the person has to lose a certain amount of weight over a certain amount of time, so we waited. As her bones began to protrude, the books I read by professionals for professionals informed me that people die Continues >>>
Ruth’s Story
Ruth and her daughter Katharine
People die of anorexia. That wasn’t an option I was prepared to accept for our daughter from anorexia. That wasn’t an option I was prepared to accept for our daughter. The journey I’d been on with my business made me believe that we can take responsibility for our own lives, and steer things in the direction we want them to go, so I scoured the internet for information that might help us. At that time, a decade ago, resources on mental health were harder to find. Eventually I found a book written by a mother – Mum, Please Help, by Karen Phillips – that talked about neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to change throughout an individual’s life). I started working with Katharine to do the things the book talked about. 38 • happiful • February 2019
We played a game called “Who are you?”, where I repeatedly asked her the same question. In the beginning she had nothing to say, but after several weeks of repeating this every night she eventually became a daughter, and then a sister, and then a friend. We found things to laugh about as a family. Laughter had become very scarce in our family, so we started watching loads of rubbish – but funny – movies. We created visionboards for ourselves, so that we could see our future. Katharine wrote affirmations over and over again, and we walked outside and talked. Recovery felt like a very long, slow process, in a “two steps forward and one step back” kind of way. The first
year was the hardest; in the second I kept thinking that things were better, although six months later I’d realise it had still been pretty bad. About two-and-a-half years after we first realised she was struggling, I felt I could describe Katharine as better. Remarkably, my business had survived me being focused on Katharine, but I was completely changed as a person. I had been so challenged, I now felt in need of a new, and different, future. I had been coaching in my business for 13 years, but without any formal qualifications – only years of reading and practise – so it felt like the right time to enhance my tool kit. I started my coaching training with the view that I would simply take it back to my direct-selling
business. However, while on the course, and practising with friends and family, I started to appreciate how powerful coaching was. One day we were asked to consider what our ideal coaching business would look like? I suddenly knew that I needed to be outside more. I started coaching my friends outside, and magic happened. I was blown away by how much more powerful it was. Interestingly, it wasn’t until more than a year later, when Katharine and I wrote a book about our experiences (Our Journey with Anorexia: How a parent can be part of their child’s recovery) that I realised that all of our really useful conversations had taken place outside. During Katharine’s recovery, I’d seen that the things that made a real difference were simple – they weren’t easy, but they were simple! I was frustrated that it had been so difficult to find these simple ideas that help people look after themselves, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to change that. So, in the autumn of 2013, Fresh Air Fridays was born. We explored things, such as: “What does looking after me mean?” We spent some time being in the present moment
True LIFE
For more information about Fresh Air Fridays, and how you can get involved, visit freshairfridays.co.uk. Follow them on Facebook and Twitter @freshairfridays Ruth (right) with her business partner, Rose
I like to tell people: ‘We take you outside so that you can feel good on the inside!’ in nature, we learnt to listen to one another, we had some time for a gratitude practise, and a relaxation exercise, and we connected with like-minded people. The early days of any business can be challenging, and I have been exceptionally lucky to work with a wonderful business partner, Rose Dixey, who has had her own life challenges. What we both find is that by really living the ideas that we share, we are able to create lives that work for us.
Katharine acknowledges that what we have been through together has made us the people we are today. She and I are very close, both as mother and daughter, and as friends. She continues to thrive, is loving university life, and works hard so that she can travel in her holidays. Her plan for the future is to become a clinical psychologist, and I don’t doubt that her own experience will be of benefit to the people she works with.
The journey we have been on as a family isn’t one that I would wish on anybody, however the outcome is that we all feel much stronger and more resilient. Both Katharine and I are clearly on paths that will have us do what we can to help other people suffer less.
I am really proud to say that Fresh Air Fridays provides the space, support, and skills to enable people to look after their mental and emotional wellbeing. I like to tell people: “We take you outside so that you can feel good on the inside!”
Our Expert Says Ruth’s commitment to her daughter’s wellbeing shines through in her story. She was tenacious in finding solutions that worked for her family, and helps us by sharing how they weren’t complicated things, but were about finding their individual and shared identities. What a powerful realisation that being in nature was so beneficial – a connection beyond the self that enhances wellbeing and makes harmony and recovery more possible. Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
February 2019 • happiful • 39
Your stress bucket
Understanding your stress and what you can do to release the pressure When understanding stress and anxiety, and how they affect us, it can be helpful to imagine a bucket of water. Each day, we add stressors to the bucket, both big and small. As time goes on, more and more is added to the bucket. Without talking about these worries, and without taking the time to relax and release some of this
pressure, the bucket will eventually overflow. However, there is a way to release some of this water – if every so often, a cup is taken out and poured away, the bucket will never reach the top. By regularly taking the time to release some of the pressure, you’ll feel much Write down all th more able to manage your e ways you ca n manage these stress. stressors.
Do you like to draw , read or go for a walk? Do yo u have a friend to share your wor ries?
Here is your very own stress gs things the thin all the e dow n all bucket. Wri Writte now t righ you ryingg you right now.. that are worryin ket? bucket? yourr buc How full is you
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You may need extra support to understand and manage your stress, and that’s OK. To find a counsellor near you, visit counselling-directory.org.uk
Stress-busters
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When stress strikes, don’t let it overwhelm you. Try these five soothing techniques to banish anxiety, and set your worries free Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
3. DIY devices
4. Digital paint-by-numbers
The average person’s heart beats 60 times a minute when resting, and so some people believe that songs with a 60 bpm tempo are perfect for easing anxiety and regulating the body’s movement. This tempo is most commonly seen in classical music, but 60 bpm tracks can be found across all musical genres. Search 60 bpm playlists online to discover the perfect soothing soundtrack for you.
Sometimes, having something to distract or to ground us is just what we need. And you don’t have to spend a fortune on a fancy kit. Why not try:
Getting crafty is a great way to soothe a worried mind, and digital crafting is a wonderful, free (and mess-free) way of getting creative on the go. Happy Colour is an app offering a collection of colouring pages, from animals to mandalas, to help you relax as you rediscover the joy of colouring. The app is available on iTunes and the Google Play Store, with plenty of picture options to get you started.
Happy Colour | play.google.com
1. 60 bpm songs
Glitter bottles – Mix water, glitter and food dye in a bottle. Shake it up and watch as the glitter settles. Imagine the content of the bottle is the inside of your mind slowly calming down. Bubble wrap board – Get yourself a sheet of bubble wrap. Each bubble represents a worry that’s been on your mind. Now, pop that bubble and let that worry go. Lolly stick affirmations – Write some positive affirmations on lollipop sticks and put them in a jar. Each time you’re stressed, take one out and read it. Try: “you are capable”, “you are worthy”, and “you have time”.
5. Unstructured activities 2. Breathing exercises Breathing exercises are great for quickly tackling stress, because they can be done anywhere. Start by breathing in deeply for the count of five. Hold it for the count of two. Then breathe out for the count of five. Do this for three to five minutes until you feel the stress slipping away.
For many of us, unstructured activities (activities that don’t require close attention or a strict timescale) offer us the opportunity to let our minds unwind as our bodies fall into a rhythm. This can be done in many different ways, but you could try washing the car, taking a walk, or a slow bike ride. Whatever it may be for you, let your mind wander as you go.
February 2019 • happiful • 41
THE ART OF While the word intimacy often has connotations of sex, there’s a lot more to it than that. Here, humanistic counsellor David Seddon explores the power of intimacy in relationships, what might be obstructing that closeness in your partnership, and importantly, what you can do about it Writing | David Seddon
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umans are relationshipseeking creatures, because having emotional closeness makes us happier. When relationships are really close, the term ‘intimacy’ denotes a deep sharing of selfhood and vulnerability – an unguarded deep trust, openness, acceptance and communication. Lots of relationships have intimacy, but in this article we’re focusing particularly on romantic relationships. Sometimes the word intimacy is synonymous with sex, but while sex is an important part of intimacy, it is certainly not the only part. Although it’s possible to have some intimacy in a new relationship, deep intimacy takes time. It's normal for this to fluctuate, and most of us will find that we need our own space at times, although strongly intimate relationships will always return to intimacy at some point. WHY IS INTIMACY SO IMPORTANT? According to the Office for National Statistics, 42% of marriages end in divorce, and the average lifespan of a marriage is now around 12 years.
While there are a multitude of complex reasons as to why a relationship can break down, having that emotional and physical intimacy with your partner is a key element in maintaining a healthy, and connected relationship. To know intimacy is to know a journey of discovery in a relationship. Intimacy helps us feel more loved and connected, and brings a reduction in anger, anxiety, and stress, resulting in better mental health. Emotional intimacy makes us feel that we are accepted and supported, which in turn raises our self-esteem. Sexual intimacy releases endorphins and oxytocin, which make us feel physically good and bonded, and in turn also acts to negate loneliness. Some people, more commonly men, think that showing any vulnerability is a sign of weakness, but even the archetypal macho male, James Bond, in Casino Royale, showed his vulnerability and intimacy: Vesper Lynd: “You’re not going to let me in there, are you? You’ve got your armour back on. That's that.” James Bond: “I have no armour left. You’ve stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me, whatever I am, I’m yours.”
Emotional intimacy makes us feel that we are accepted and supported, which in turn raises our self-esteem
WHAT ARE THE BARRIERS TO INTIMACY? Firstly, it’s important to note that, due to childhood or previous relationships, some people find intimacy hard or impossible. This is a different matter from the points raised below and is likely to require individual counselling. The relationship issues which can cause barriers to intimacy include: • Apathy and complacency (taking your partner for granted). • Spending little time together. • Avoiding conflict for so long that issues never get resolved – although there are times when we may need to avoid arguments to feel safe. • Having the same arguments over and over, without realising they’ve become fruitless and counterproductive. • No physical contact – or the only physical contact being during sex (sex is not a substitute for intimacy, but can be one of the best ways of expressing it). Continues >>>
Lifestyle & Relationships
If you’d like to find out more about couples counselling visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a therapist who can support you
• Disappointment and expectation. People may have preconceived notions about what to expect from a partner, and their expectations may be too high (or too low). If we expect perfection, we’re going to end up disappointed. • Allowing anger to turn into resentment, breeding toxicity and distance. • Assumptions – never assume that you know what the other person wants. They may not want help, but a hug, or vice versa. • Social media can make us feel more isolated, and can cause serious relationship issues. When relationships are going well, partners might feel supportive, but bad times can make them hide or bottle up their vulnerabilities. When you stop sharing your problems, it is not long before intimacy shrinks away. This can also lead to a vicious circle, as your partner feels angry that you have withdrawn. In abusive relationships, showing vulnerability can be dangerous, as it invites exploitation. It’s important to recognise that intimacy isn’t a quick-fix if the relationship isn’t a healthy one.
Remember the good things in your relationship and let your partner know what you appreciate about them 44 • happiful • February 2019
Relationship INSIGHT
HOW CAN I ACHIEVE A GREATER LEVEL OF INTIMACY IN MY RELATIONSHIP? If you have lost intimacy in your relationship, the realistic answer is don’t expect it to come back overnight. There must be effort from both sides, and there will be downs as well as ups on the journey. Here are some key things to keep in mind: • Criticism and negativity can become a damaging habit. Remember the good things in your relationship and let your partner know what you appreciate about them. • You may have to begin with a timetable to get started. It’s important to create opportunities for intimacy; if the demands of children and work make this hard to do, this simply emphasises how important it is to make space for it. • Finding time to de-stress together can be fun – how about a spa day, or a weekend away alone together? • Make sure you both have some me-time for self-care. • Start to discuss your feelings with your partner – not just about your relationship, but about your wider life. Ask your partner about their feelings too. • If you do fall out, try to look beyond the anger to what this really might be about – feeling hurt by a lack of support rather than the washing up, for instance?
•T alk more about yourself rather than your partner by using “I” statements – “I feel hurt by what just happened,” rather than: “You are nasty and hurtful.” • Don’t blame your partner. Instead, try to be honest about your role in the matter. • If there has been little or no physical contact, start to have some, even if it’s just sitting closer or holding hands. You may want more, but you have to start somewhere. • Sometimes you have to deal with the bad things on both sides before you can move on. Find a safe place or time to let go of all of the bitterness, anger and resentment, so that you can move on to the things you really want. • Know the power of forgiveness (which can take time to arrive at). Sometimes this is the hardest thing in the world, but it is also the most liberating and powerful, and really does mean you can start again. COUPLES COUNSELLING For many, counselling is the ideal method for sorting out relationship difficulties. At the end of a session, many couples say that they’ve discussed issues they would have avoided or never got around to on their own. The careful facilitation, rule-setting and guiding hand of the counsellor easily allows for exploration of otherwise difficult areas. Although harsh words and difficult things may be said, this can clear the air so that things can start to get better for both of you.
If you do fall out, try to look beyond the anger to what this really might be about
A couples’ counsellor can help you to improve your methods of communication. They can help you to remember why you fell in love in the first place, how to rediscover your sense of play and fun, as well as identify and start to change negative patterns of behaviour between you. However, it’s important to remember that you get out of counselling what you put into it. If one person isn’t willing to put the work into your relationship, it won’t be a magic fix. But taking that step to seek help is a positive thing, and will allow you to understand your relationship with a healthier perspective. David Seddon has been practising as a humanistic counsellor for 10 years, specialising in couples counselling. His main approaches are person-centred, existential, and brief-solution focused. Read his counselling blog at davidseddon.blogspot.com for more of his insights, and visit eastcheshirecounselling.com
February 2019 • happiful • 45
2019 courses now available
MENTAL HEALTH FIRST AID AND AWARENESS TRAINING
As part of our commitment to improving awareness and support for mental health for groups and in the workplace, we are happy to offer our readers the opportunity to improve your awareness and support for those with mental health challenges. Our training courses are licenced by Mental Health First Aid (England) and our trainers are accredited by the Royal Society for Public Health.
Mental Health Awareness – Half-Day Course
Mental Health Champion – One-Day Course
Mental Health First Aider – Two-Day Course
Our half-day course is an introductory four-hour session to raise awareness of mental health. It is designed to give you: • An understanding of what mental health is and how to challenge stigma • A basic knowledge of some common mental health issues • An introduction to looking after your own mental health and maintaining wellbeing • Confidence to support someone in distress, or who may be experiencing a mental health issue
Our one-day mental health awareness and skills course qualifies you as an MHFA Champion. MHFA Champions have: • An understanding of common mental health issues • Knowledge and confidence to advocate for mental health awareness • Ability to spot signs of mental ill-health • Skills to support positive wellbeing
Our adult MHFA two-day course qualifies you as a Mental Health First Aider. Mental Health First Aiders have: • An in-depth understanding of mental health and the factors that can affect wellbeing • Practical skills to spot the triggers and signs of mental health issues • Confidence to step in, reassure and support a person in distress • Enhanced interpersonal skills, such as non-judgemental listening • Knowledge to help someone recover their health by guiding them to further support
+ If you would like to book a space on one of our courses, please head over to events.happiful.com
Reader warning: please note this story includes details that some readers may find upsetting.
These scars will heal Years of bullying left Freddie’s self-worth in tatters, but in a moment of clarity, a determination to stop others from experiencing what he did changed everything
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Writing | Freddie Cocker
still remember the echoes in my head, the empty vacuum that permeated my existence when I considered doing it. The hatred I felt for myself, the anger at the world and at my own personality, believing that I was the reason for my own pain. By “it”, I mean taking my own life. Suicide is one of the biggest killers of men in my age-group. For many of us, it is the only way we believe we can end our pain. This could be because of many reasons, and is an issue that doesn’t have a single cause but, in my case, being bullied at school was a significant factor. Throughout the second half of primary school, and for all of my time at secondary, I was bullied. When I was younger, I was bullied about my weight, and then it was over a range of things – my surname, the football team I supported, my general demeanour, personality, and character. The first time I tried to take my own life was in Year 9. I took a lot
of over-the-counter painkillers in the naïve hope that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Technically speaking, this was my only “real” attempt. However, the truth is that I came close to taking my own life thousands of times. One incident I recall, although the memory is a little fuzzy, is an incident where during a fight with the boy who bullied me, he sexually assaulted me by groping me. I can’t remember how my head teacher found out, maybe I told my parents or teacher, but I remember the head coming to ask me about it, and dealing with the bullying there and then. It didn’t stop the bullying in its entirety, but I was very grateful to the head teacher for supporting me, and punishing the person who did this to me. I felt suicidal practically all the way through secondary school. When I reached out for help, often I wasn’t given it, or was completely ignored in some cases. Continues >>>
Freddie’s Story
Freddie with his family
I had to put on a mask... to somehow disguise the emotional and mental self-destruction I was going through I remember telling a teacher that I was being bullied by three boys, and the most they got was a stern talking to. I was irrelevant, a student who on the outside appeared to take all the punches, (literally and metaphorically), taunts and public humiliations in my stride, and shook it off. I concluded that I had to survive this on my own. I had to put on a mask, a cloak of extroverted behaviour I could use to somehow disguise the self-destruction I was going through. I hated myself, I hated who I was and the personality traits I had. Sometimes I would stare into space, wondering why 48 • happiful • February 2019
this was all happening to me. I thought I was the only person who felt this bad, but that it must be some teenage rite of passage I had to go through. I knew people could feel down or sad sometimes, but to feel this level of misery and intense, unquestionable pain was something I thought was localised only to me. And one day in Year 11, I didn’t think I could take it anymore. Someone in my social group created a Facebook page about me, and then invited the whole year group to like it, to make disparaging and hurtful comments about me. A month or so later, I wanted to end my life. I stared down
at the ground, going through in my head the amount of people who would care even slightly if I did. I had nothing left to give. I didn’t feel like a person, I didn’t feel anything. My self-esteem, self-worth, and any shred of dignity I had left, had been replaced by self-hate, pain, misery. I was a husk of a human being. But at that moment, something stopped me. Looking back, what I now believe it was, was the last shred of my self-worth telling me not to do it. It was telling me that if I did it, the bullies would win. At that moment, I had nothing. The only thing I thought was that if I somehow made it out of school, somehow manage to get to A-levels and a degree, that I would do everything I possibly could to make sure no one ever felt the way I did in that moment, or the years leading up to it. Since then, it hasn’t been a straightforward path. I struggled with my mental health while at university, and had an internal mental breakdown in the middle of a seminar in my third year. I received eight weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy
and spoke to my family GP about my mental health issues. Now, at 24, I feel in a better place. My desire to help others is what led me to start Vent, my mental health platform, in 2017. I wanted to use my own lived experience to help those who were also struggling, and realised that there aren’t many platforms out there where boys like me could open up, honestly and safely, without reprisal. To encourage others, and for my own personal wellbeing, I felt I had to talk about my own mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, overthinking, rumination and post-traumatic stress disorder were issues I went into detail about, as well as my experiences of being bullied. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Previously, only a select group of close friends even knew 50% of the content of my articles. As I clicked the send button on my Facebook account, I literally started to sweat at the thought of how people would react to it. Most people had only ever seen the extremely high-energy, extroverted Freddie at social occasions.
True LIFE
Freddie Cocker is the founder of Vent, a safe space where men can openly discuss their mental health. Find out more at vent.org.uk
My goal was to be a conduit to help others better accept and live alongside their mental health issues Almost no one had seen the emotionally broken side and the identity crisis which had consumed most of my life up until that point. Yet after I pressed send, the reaction was unbelievably positive. It wasn’t just the reaction from my friends that pleased me. People whom I hadn’t spoken to in years were complimenting me and giving their appreciation for what
I had done, telling me about their own experiences as well. I’ve never been able to receive compliments well, and to see people genuinely reacting to it in a good way took a while to get used to, but I am immensely glad I did it. It was one of the best things I could ever have done, and remains one of, if not the proudest achievement in my life to date. Since I started Vent, it’s continued to grow, allowing people to express themselves. I’ve also just launched a music night called ‘Just Checking In Live’ which aims to provide a safe space where people can come together through music, dance, have fun and share something about their mental health with a loved one, friend or even a stranger.
My goal was to be a conduit to help others better accept and live alongside their mental health issues. There’s a long way to go, but maybe, somewhere, I’ve made a difference to someone. For anyone out there experiencing what I did, or feeling the way that I felt, please know that no matter
how alone you feel right now, there are people out there that love you for who you are, who want to be your friend, and value you. The world would be a much darker place without you in it, and just surviving is a massive achievement in itself. In time, the scars will heal and it will get better.
Our Expert Says Freddie’s honesty and candour let us know how resilient he is, and how it is possible to survive bullying, and find your own way to thrive. His story shows how deeply distressing suicidal thoughts can be, and gives hope that they can be overcome. I am humbled by how much Freddie is doing to support other people’s mental health. Sharing so openly and normalising the pain that results from bullying is a powerful message. Fe Robinson | MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
February 2019 • happiful • 49
WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER “Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” – Helen Keller
Photography | Roberto Nickson
Happiful
TOP 10
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F E B R U A RY From the carbon-negative yoga mat to a festival on the Yorkshire coast, and the exciting launch of Happiful’s new podcast I am, I have, with 2019 well and truly upon us, it’s a perfect time to push the boundaries and try something new
PAGE-TURNERS Also Human: The Inner Lives of Doctors by Caroline Elton An important look at the lives and mental wellbeing of healthcare professionals. From the obstetrician whose own fertility treatment failed, to the trainee oncologist who found herself unable to treat patients suffering from the disease that killed her father, Also Human is vital reading for patients and doctors alike.
Images | Boy Erased: Focus Features - © 2018 Focus Features , Recipes for self-love: @recipesforselflove
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THE CONVERSATION National Eating Disorders Awareness Week In a YouGov survey, more than one in three adults in the UK could not name any signs or symptoms of eating disorders. This week is about raising awareness of the many ways that eating disorders affect the lives of those living with them, and equip people with the tools they need to offer help and support. (25 February - 3 March)
Grateful: A Gratitude Journal
LEND US YOUR EARS
Inspired by research from Harvard Medical School that shows the link between gratitude and better mental health, this app sends prompts to make daily journal entries to help get you in the habit of practising gratitude.
I am. I have by Happiful Magazine and Counselling Directory We are delighted to announce the launch of I am, I have. In a series of interviews with celebrities and public figures, we explore the people we are beyond our mental health problems. The first episode with lifestyle and beauty blogger Estée Lalonde is available on iTunes, Spotify and Google.
(Available from the App Store)
PLUGGED-IN Recipes for self-love Inspired by her own experiences with mental health, artist Alison Rachel offers self-love and acceptance affirmations with her simple, eye-catching illustrations. (Follow
SQUARE EYES Boy Erased
The highly anticipated film that explores the true story of one young man’s experience with gay conversion therapy is finally making its way to the UK. Starring Lucas Hedges, Nicole Kidman, and Russell Crowe, the story explores pain and injustice, along with the friendship and hope that thrives in even the most difficult situations.
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@recipesforselflove on Instagram)
(In cinemas 8 February)
PUT ON A SHOW Coastival 2019 Overview Get the family out of the house and head to Scarborough, North Yorkshire, for a weekend of music, dance, theatre and more at Coastival’s 10th anniversary celebration. Be there to witness a record attempt as artists aim to make the largest puppet in the world, and celebrate the creativity to be found on the Yorkshire coast. (22–24 February. More information: coastival.com)
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TECH TIP-OFFS
(Windmill Books, paperback out 7 February, £9.99)
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GET GOING Beat the Train – South Devon This is a running race unlike any other. Spectators board the Jolly Running Express Race Train, with the train and the runners then racing 10K along the river and through woodlands. While the train makes a quick stop at Staverton station, runners have the chance to get ahead. (17 February. Find out more and register: jollyrunning.uk)
OUT AND ABOUT
TREAT YOURSELF
Chinese New Year in London
Form: the carbon-negative yoga mats
In 2019, Chinese New Year falls on 5 February. The following Sunday (10 February), the city of London will come alive in the biggest Chinese New Year celebrations outside of Asia. Join hundreds of thousands of people as they descend on the West End to enjoy a colourful parade, free stage performances, and traditional Chinese food to welcome in the Year of the Pig. (Find out more at visitlondon.com/china)
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What’s more zen than the knowledge that the production of your yoga mat doesn’t just have no negative impact on the environment, but is actually good for it? Form yoga mats are made out of recycled, biodegradable materials, all packaging is recyclable, and all carbon emitted throughout production and delivery is offset with donations to environmental charities. (Find out more: theform.co.uk)
Eating disorders
The unspoken perspective There is growing evidence that the LGBT+ community may be at a higher risk of developing eating disorders, but, as Patrick discovers, detailed research and targeted help is lagging behind Writing | Patrick Kelleher
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ndy Butler can pinpoint the exact moment his eating disorder began. He was 13, in goal during PE at school, and got distracted. After he let the ball in, one of his classmates called him “a fat queer”. “Everyone was so hung up about the queer thing, and I really wasn’t. I didn’t give a s**t. I had already come out to my family and friends, so I wasn’t that bothered. But all I kept hearing was the word ‘fat’.” Andy says that he now knows that he wasn’t overweight at the time, but the word lodged in his mind. He became convinced he was fat, and began obsessing over his weight. “That was when my binge-eating disorder started,” he says. “I would starve myself all day, because I was determined I was going to diet, but then my will would be gone by the time I got home. I’d be starving, so I would eat in private upstairs. It went on from there.” Andy’s experience with bingeeating and bulimia went on for years. Now 37, it is only recently that he has entered recovery. “I would not say I’m cured. Sometimes, if I’ve had a bad day, the urge is there, but I’ve now got control over it, I know what to do, I know what to think. It’s easier now that I’m in a better place.” Andy is one of many LGBT+ people who experience eating disorders. Beat, the eating disorders charity, says that research into this is not conclusive. But some studies suggest that members of the LGBT+ community – particularly gay and bisexual men, and transgender people – might be at a higher risk than others.
Andy is one of many LGBT+ people who experience eating disorders
The gay scene was, and still is, incredibly body-conscious. If I felt that I had a slight line of fat, I’d starve myself for a week A 2012 survey, which looked at “disordered eating”, found that single gay and bisexual men were more likely to report restrictive disordered eating than single straight men. More recently, a 2015 survey of more than 250,000 students in the US found that rates of self-reported eating disorders were highest in trans
students, and lowest in straight men. Similarly, a 2016 study found that body dissatisfaction is “core to the distress trans people experience”, and that this dissatisfaction puts them at risk of developing eating disorders. This is a sentiment echoed by Dr Lorna Richards, a consultant psychiatrist at the Priory Hospital, in Continues >>>
The Unspoken Perspective on EDs
Woking, Surrey. She says that eating disorders are “a pathological way of trying to cope with what feels like overwhelming emotions”. “In a young person who is going through all kinds of changes, they might be overwhelmed with things such as changes in their body, changes in everyone’s expectations of them, and expectations of themselves,” she says. “At the heart of it is self-esteem. People are struggling to develop a sense of self, and to feel confident in their role or identity. If somebody has any sort of trauma before that, or if they’ve been bullied, had difficult relationships at home, or experienced any kind of abuse or neglect, it would put them in a more vulnerable position to develop an eating disorder. “So then, if we think about the LGBT+ community, they’re going to be more vulnerable to negative experiences, whether that be bullying, or even feeling more unsure of themselves.” Andy Butler believes that rates of eating disorders are higher in gay and bisexual men than straight men because of the emphasis on body image. “The gay scene was, and still is, incredibly body-conscious. If I felt that I had a slight line of fat, I’d starve myself for a week. Then I’d binge uncontrollably. I was obsessed with looking as good as I could, but I couldn’t control the bingeing. So I was making up for it with a series of days of starvation, just so that I didn’t look out of place.” Andy’s experience is different to that of 23-year-old Shauna Gavin. She first started experiencing symptoms of her eating disorder when she was 17. “At the time, I wouldn’t have identified as LGBTQ+, but I was completely in love with my best friend, who was the same gender as me,” she says. “I’m not sure if they’re 54 • happiful • February 2019
23-year-old Shauna Gavin
connected, and I’ve never thought of these two parts of who I am as really having much to do with each other.” Since then, Shauna has been on medication, seen various doctors, spent time in a psychiatric ward – and has also recognised and accepted her own sexuality. She says that she has “never much examined” links between her
The stereotypes suggest that the only people who will develop eating disorders are young, white females – which certainly isn’t the case
LGBT+ COMMUNITY
sexuality and her struggle with her mental health. “I’m sure they aren’t completely disconnected,” she says. “I think that my eating disorder stems from problems with self-esteem, body image, and other mental health problems. I actually found that becoming more accepting of my sexuality has helped me to start to accept myself more completely. This has probably had a positive effect. “That said, the stereotypes of gay women being sexy, and my idea of what other women would be attracted to, does occasionally enter my mind, and my old cycle of thinking starts to return. I’m not sure how much this differs from the pressures that heterosexual people There are an estimated 1.25 million people in the UK with an eating disorder
feel, to conform to societal beauty standards.” Shauna says that, if she could speak directly to other young people like herself, who are experiencing eating disorders, she would urge them to seek help. “Eating disorders are not something you should tackle alone. Try not to be too hard on yourselves, because life is tough and no two people have the same experience, so comparison is fruitless. “I would tell them to be selfish, and do everything they can to get what they need to recover, because having an eating disorder does not in anyway diminish their worth as a human.” Rebecca Field, Head of Communications at Beat, says more
research needs to be done into eating disorders, including into prevalence in the LGBT+ community. “We estimate that there are 1.25 million people in the UK with an eating disorder,” she says. “Some research studies suggest that up to 25% of those individuals will be male. The stereotypes suggest that the only people who will develop eating disorders are young, white females – which certainly is not the case. “We know from the research that it takes professionals longer to diagnose men, and we imagine that fewer men come forward about their eating disorder. “One of our ambassadors told me that during his recovery, he had never actually met a man with an eating disorder. All of the people he encountered were women, and all the examples he was told about were women. He said that was very difficult for him, because he couldn’t understand why it was happening to him.” The experiences of LGBT+ people like Andy and Shauna show that there is a strong need for more research into how eating disorders impact on the LGBT+ community, and what can be done to help them, going forward. For more information and advice on recovering from an eating disorder, visit beateatingdisorders.org.uk Visit stonewall.org.uk to find local LGBT+ services and community support groups in your area.
Patrick Kelleher is a gay freelance journalist from Ireland, with a particular interest in writing about the LGBT+ community. Follow him on Twitter @paddykell February 2019 • happiful • 55
How to avoid
DIET TALK
It can be difficult when chat turns to food, exercise, and weight goals. But there are ways to avert those conversations if they make you feel awkward or anxious Writing | Rebecca Hastings Illustrating | Rosan Magar
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istening to friends or colleagues chatting about their diets, exercise regimes, and weightloss goals can be really difficult if you struggle with your body image or an eating disorder. Sometimes, especially in the build-up to summer, it can feel as though it’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. It’s all too easy to get sucked into these conversations, comparing your eating habits and weight with those of other people, which can lead to negative thoughts about your own body. Here are some tips on how you can cope when a chat turns to dieting, and how you can avoid getting involved without hurting anyone’s feelings.
1Take control of the conversation
Although it may not feel like it, you’re always in control – no one can make you talk about anything you aren’t comfortable with. Try to move the conversation on to other topics, subtly at first, but don’t be afraid to be more direct if people aren’t getting the message. For example, you could try saying something like: “Anyway, enough boring diet chat – did anyone watch that great documentary last night?” 56 • happiful • February 2019
If you feel comfortable explaining why you don’t like engaging in diet talk, you could say something like: “I really don’t enjoy talking about dieting, it makes me uncomfortable” or “This kind of conversation brings back bad memories for me.” Don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the situation. If the diet talk won’t stop, and you feel as though you can’t interject, go to the bathroom or say you have to make a phone call – or, if you’re at work, step away for a few minutes and make yourself a cup of tea or coffee.
2 Don’t engage when asked questions about your own body, weight, or eating habits
You’re under no obligation to give anyone information about your body – and it’s insensitive and unnecessarily nosy for anyone to ask. If you are faced with these kinds of questions, though, try responding with something along the lines of: “I’d rather not talk about that,” or “I think body image is a very personal thing.” They’ll soon get the message that your body is not up for discussion. Similarly, if people question your eating habits, for example, a colleague asking how many calories are in your packed lunch, simply say you don’t know, and aren’t interested.
3 Never be afraid to order and eat what you want
This is easier said than done, of course – if you’re out for dinner with friends, and they all order salad, you might feel self-conscious having a plate of pasta. Try to channel that negative energy into a positive – be thankful that you’re in a healthy mindset that allows you to order delicious food and not feel bad about it. Remember that other people’s rules and restrictions are not your own.
It’s important to distance yourself from people who don’t respect your boundaries It may be a good idea to avoid eating with certain people if they consistently make you feel bad about your choices – they most likely have issues of their own with food, and you don’t need to take them on yourself. If this is a someone you regularly eat with, politely ask them to refrain from talking about dieting at mealtimes. If they persist, explain that you’d rather eat alone – it might be an awkward conversation to have, but it’s important to distance yourself from people who don’t respect your boundaries.
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SMART SOLUTIONS
4 Engage with others’ negative selftalk kindly, but firmly
Friends who are dieting will often look to you for reassurance with their appearance, or vent to you when their weight is getting them down. While it’s important to be a supportive friend, it can be difficult to balance this with looking after yourself and maintaining a healthy body image. When a friend talks negatively about their own body, it’s a natural instinct to start worrying about your own. Try saying something like: “I think you look fantastic just as you are, but if this diet will help you to feel better
about yourself, then great. If it’s making you miserable, I don’t think it’s such a good idea.” Remember, you’re not obliged to be the sole source of support for your friend – if they really seem to be struggling with their body image, encourage them to see a doctor or counsellor, rather than seeking reassurance from you all the time.
The key thing to remember is that ultimately, you’re in control of any conversation, and any awkward comments and questions someone makes are reflective of that person’s issues around food, rather than yours. Celebrate the fact that you are able to enjoy food, feel good about yourself, and chat about things that are much more interesting than dieting. February 2019 • happiful • 57
Sweet, spice and
everything nice Warm up this February with one of our favourite lunchtime delights
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Writing | Ellen Hoggard
t’s February. It’s cold, wet and we’re in what feels like a never-ending winter. So, understandably, our meal options (particularly packed lunches) can fall a little flat. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Put your shop-bought sandwiches away and forget that slightly wilted salad, it’s time to add a touch of spice to your working day. One of my favourite quotes is “creativity is intelligence having fun”. I truly think that by introducing some fun to the smaller, often routine things in our lives, we can really make a difference to our overall wellbeing. So why not get creative in the kitchen? This has been my go-to recipe for years. Introduced to me by my friend who was showing us that vegetarian food can be delicious (we all loved it), this sweet potato and black bean quesadilla is suitable for all budgets and all lifestyles, with a tweak here and there, and is perfect for both lunch and dinner. Please, indulge in your creative side and amend this recipe as it suits you. Recipes may be there to be followed, but there’s no rule to say we can’t make it our own.
Spicy sweet potato and black bean quesadilla Serves 6 Ingredients 3 small sweet potatoes 1 white onion 1 large bell pepper 2 garlic cloves, minced 400g black beans 1 tbsp chilli powder 1 tbsp cinnamon 1 tsp cumin 1 tsp paprika 6 flour tortillas 1 cup grated cheddar cheese Method • Cut the potatoes into small chunks. Place in a large pot of water and boil until tender (10–20 minutes). When tender, drain the potatoes and return to the pot. Mash potatoes until desired texture. Stir in the chilli powder, cinnamon, cumin, paprika. Add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside. • Use a wide-based frying pan to heat some oil and add the onion, pepper and garlic. Sauté until soft. Add to the potato mixture with the black beans and combine.
Optional toppings: s our cream or G reek yoghurt, sa lsa, sliced avoc ado
• Give the pan a quick rinse then return to a medium heat, lightly coating with oil or cooking spray. Place a single tortilla in the pan, and on one half of the tortilla, spoon some of the mixture. Add a sprinkling of cheese and fold the other half of the tortilla to close. Cook slowly until one side is browned and crisp, then flip over. Once both sides are browned, eat immediately, or set aside to cool ready for your lunchbox. • Serve with any desired toppings.
Our expert says…
Find a nutritionist near you at nutritionistresource.org.uk
Yummy, yummy and nutritious too! This quesadilla recipe is high in protein, fibre and complex carbs. If you’re not a fan of Mexican cuisine, you will be after trying this. You can make it in either flour or corn tortillas, and gluten-free is available. The sweet potato contains more nutrients than a white potato, so is high in antioxidant vitamins and minerals, particularly beta-carotene, vitamin A, B vitamins, copper and manganese. These help with healthy vision, skin and hair. The bell pepper gives a boost of vitamin C. The garlic is wonderful for supporting the immune system, and has antibacterial and fungal properties – perfect at this time of year for lingering infections. The spice mix in this recipe has antioxidant health benefits to boost immunity. You could also make your own salsa with fresh tomatoes, herbs, lime juice and jalapenos and use this instead. Black beans are high in protein and fibre. Fibre takes time to break down, so this meal will keep you fuller for longer, thus balancing your appetite. Split between the quesadilla, the cheese portion is about 1 tablespoon per serving. Cheddar cheese provides not only flavour, but also calcium and some protein, and vegan cheeses can be used as a substitute for those not eating dairy. To boost the nutritional value and flavour, you have the option of adding avocado, which is a good source of healthy fats and vitamin E. Sonal is a nutritional therapist and director of Synergy Nutrition. She specialises in sports nutrition, hormonal imbalances and vegan diets. To find out more about Sonal, visit synergynutrition.co.uk
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YOGA
THE CALL FOR CLASSROOM
Whether you were a cross-country pro, or dreaded the thought of PE with a passion, ways to engage kids in exercise are changing, and yoga might just be the key to unlocking their wellbeing potential
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or many, the thought of exercising at school brings back memories of dodging basketballs, risking burns to climb ropes, and running around muddy fields in the rain. Things are beginning to change, though – and it’s not just about leaping around in a stale-smelling sports hall. Increasingly, schools are recognising
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Writing | Lydia Smith
the benefits of yoga to help improve children’s health, wellbeing and focus – and introducing the mindful practice to the classroom as part of the PE curriculum, or as a lunchtime or after-school club. Yoga, a form of exercise which focuses on strength, flexibility, balance and breathing, is known to boost physical and mental wellbeing – but studies have
shown it has the potential to benefit children in lots of different ways. Research published in 2014 by the University of Massachusetts found that after just 10 weeks of classroom yoga, primary school children showed improvements in social interactions, attention span, academic performance, self-esteem, and their ability to deal with stress and anxiety.
Trish Munro is the founder of The Yoga Factory, training teachers to deliver an exercise programme called Yoga for Schools to children, which combines yoga moves with learning health facts about the body. So far, more than 4,000 teachers have been trained to deliver the programme, bringing yoga to half a million British kids. “Yoga means to unite mind and body, so as well as exercising your body, you are calming the mind,” she says. “During the formative years of a child, it is important to build selfesteem, self-awareness, and strengthen the mind and body. “Yoga teaches children about how their bodies work, and from this they can begin to understand how important it is for them to look after their bodies, and nurture themselves.”
YOGA FOR FUN
Crucially, though, it’s also fun – learning to balance in different poses is a welcome distraction from reciting multiplication tables. Liz Neale, from Brighton, is mum to two daughters – Hannah, aged five, and Catherine, who is seven. Her youngest recently started attending an after-school yoga club called WiggleKids, which she loves. “It costs £1 a session so it’s a very nominal amount – it’s subsidised by the PTA because the school parents feel it’s really important that all children should be able to afford the fun stuff,” Liz says. “Hannah loves wildlife and nature, so it’s really captured her imagination through doing some of the animal poses. One week she came home with a bottle of bubbles that her WiggleKids yoga teacher Jo Yates had given them, and Hannah was showing us how to 'do good breathing’, in her words! “I’ve definitely noticed that Hannah seems calmer and more chilled out when I collect her from yoga,” Liz adds.
STRESS AND ANXIETY
We might laugh at the concept of learning to breathe properly, but it actually has a huge impact on how we feel, Trish explains. “Children naturally breathe correctly, but by the time we are teenagers and adults, our breathing becomes shallower – especially if we are anxious or depressed. By slowing down our breathing and breathing more deeply, in just one minute we can get rid of tension in the body,” she says. With around one in 10 children affected by mental health problems, learning how to deal with stress and anxiety is crucial. Children are being subjected to standardised school tests at an increasingly young age – which both parents and teachers say is taking a toll on their wellbeing. Last year, the government announced plans to test four-year-olds in their first few weeks of school.
More than 4,000 teachers have been trained to deliver the programme, bringing yoga to half a million British kids According to a survey by the UK children’s charity Barnado’s published last year, nearly half of all schoolchildren aged 12 to 16 in England feel sad or anxious at least once a week, due to school, thoughts about their future, problems at home, their appearance, or bullying. By introducing yoga to children at an early age, it is hoped they will learn the skills to lower their
Yoga has been shown to help improve children’s self-esteem and ability to deal with anxiety
stress levels before they become overwhelmed. A number of studies have shown yoga can be an effective tool to help people deal with anxiety. In 2014, academics from Manchester and Newcastle Universities found that yoga can help reduce the risk of pregnant women developing anxiety or depression. Stress during pregnancy, the research suggested, has been linked to increased behavioural problems in the child as a toddler and adolescent, as well as later mental health problems in the mother. “In regards to stress, yoga is an incredible tool to use,” Trish says. “On my course, I show teachers how to use a simple breathing technique leading up to exams to keep stress levels under control. If a child is calm before sitting a test, they will perform much better. In the long-term, she adds, it teaches children the skill to “stay in the moment” and not to be concerned about the past or future. It also promotes relaxation and triggers the release of endorphins – chemicals in the brain which boost our mood. Continues >>> February 2019 • happiful • 61
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S AY
TO R E L
AX
Brought to you by Hypnotherapy Directory Connecting you with trusted support since 2008
It’s time to relax... 10 simple ways to relax every day
Relaxation is an essential process in ensuring good mental health, and a sense of overall wellbeing. Yet many of us feel guilty for taking time to ourselves, or that we’re too busy to even consider a moment of relaxation. While it may feel like our ‘to-do’ list is always calling, prioritising time to relax is incredibly important, and the good news is that there are ways you can introduce simple activities into your daily routine, without feeling guilty about it. Here are 10 of our favourite ways to relax.
1
Take a break
5
Indulge in your hobbies
2
Focus on your breathing
6
Get active
3
Listen to music
7
Switch off from technology
4
Picture yourself somewhere serene
8
Spend time in nature
9
Laugh – lots and often
10 Bathtime: wash away your stress
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Hypnotherapy is another effective technique in promoting relaxation, through visualisation techniques, stress management and self-hypnosis practice. For professional support, you can search for a therapist near you on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk
Finding BALANCE
By introducing yoga to children at an early age, it is hoped they will learn the skills to lower their stress levels before they become overwhelmed IMPROVING FOCUS
It’s not just physical and mental health that gets a boost from yoga, since practising it can help improve our concentration and ability to focus too. A 2013 study, published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health, found people who did 20 minutes of yoga were able to process and learn information more quickly and accurately. “Children with attention problems struggle with focusing and concentration. Balance plays a key
part in helping them to manage their condition,” Trish says. “To balance, you must maintain focus, and this teaches them the basis of concentration, which they can then transfer to the classroom and other activities.” Additionally, she explains, the breathing exercises and mindfulness act on the part of our brain that keeps our thoughts in check – the prefrontal cortex. “The most fundamental problem for children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and associated conditions is the ability to pause and reflect before acting on impulse,” Trish says. “When they begin to notice that they feel calmer after a yoga session, then the basis of managing their condition begins.”
BENEFITS FOR ALL
Research has shown that yoga has the potential to benefit children on the autism spectrum, too – with a 2012 study showing autistic children who took part in a daily yoga programme at school showed improvements in their behaviour. Researchers suggested this is, in part, because yoga helps to reduce anxiety and promote calm, while the programme helped to boost communication and socialisation. “Yoga enhances focus, directs attention, and heightens our sense of control. Holding a tree pose, for instance, is incredibly effective in helping autistic children focus and develop their attention,” Trish says. “With their feet firmly planted on the ground and their mind focused on breathing, it is much easier to feel a sense of control over themselves and of their surroundings.” Aerobic exercise such as running, jumping and skipping is still a crucial part of the school curriculum, so it’s not the end of PE as we know it.
GET INVOLVED READ
Yoga for Children: 200+ Yoga Poses, Breathing Exercises, and Meditations for Healthier, Happier, More Resilient Children by Lisa Flynn (Adams Media Corporation, £14.99).
WATCH
‘Yoga with Adriene’ on YouTube, for easy-to-learn, step-by-step yoga poses to try out yourself.
VISIT
wigglebums.uk/wigglekids to find yoga classes for children aged five to 12 near you.
FIND OUT MORE
yogaatschool.org.uk, provides services around Essex, Hertfordshire and east London. But introducing yoga to classrooms as an additional exercise can have enormous benefits for all children – on their health, mental wellbeing and, importantly, their happiness. “A happy child does well at school, and goes on to be a valuable member of society. Ultimately, we all want to be happy, and yoga helps us to create the conditions for happiness to surface,” Trish says. You can find out more about Trish Munro’s classroom yoga services at TheYogaFactory.co.uk Lydia Smith is a UK-based journalist who has written for national newspapers and magazines with a focus on health, wellbeing and human rights. You can find her on Twitter @Lyd_Carolina
February 2019 • happiful • 63
Book review
What If?
This month, we take an emotional trip through what it’s like to be a teenager struggling with the rituals, compulsions, and anxiety of OCD Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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e’re all a bit OCD, aren’t we?” – a common sentiment that has made the rounds in recent years. While often said without meaning any harm, the truth is no, we really aren’t all just ‘a bit OCD’. Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) involves intrusive, obsessive thoughts, followed by compulsive urges. Often overwhelming, the only way a person experiencing OCD can relieve these intrusive thoughts is to repeat an action, over and over, until they are quelled. Misleading stereotypes can mask the true complexities and difficulties of day-today life for those affected by OCD. Author Anna Russell’s latest young adult novel sets out to give readers a
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true glimpse into the thought patterns, repetitive behaviours, and far-reaching impact OCD can have on teens. So what’s it about? Focusing on the story of Josh Baker, a 16-year-old drummer, maths genius, and Beatles enthusiast, we discover from the outset that Josh isn’t sure why his brain tells him to do things that other people don’t need to do. Having to finish each song perfectly, starting and re-starting his homework past the point of exhaustion; countless rituals, big and small, rule his behaviour. He fears that if he doesn’t do things perfectly, something bad will happen to his family. As his grades slip and he feels unable to make it to class, readers gain a stark insight into the effect it has not only on Josh, but on his family as well. We see
first-hand Josh’s desire to break away from his thoughts, and the trouble others can have in understanding how much it impacts him. A CHALLENGING (BUT WORTHWHILE) FORMAT Written as a piece of poetic fiction, while the plot is fully formed, the layout may take a little time to get used to. The presentation of words on the page follows Josh’s thought pattern in places, creating its own rhythm you can feel as you read the page. The sheer amount of white space draws the readers’ focus even more firmly to the pacing, layout and repetition. Once you get past the initial discomfort with the unusual style, it draws you in and keeps you engaged throughout.
One of the biggest messages What If weaves into the background is the impact others can have on our mental health – and our recovery OCD: IT’S MORE THAN JUST COMPULSIONS Throughout What If, we see not only Josh’s thought process, but his own awareness at his unusual behaviour – his frustrations, his growing anxiety, and the constant pressure he feels to do better, and to just push past it. Exploring the impact both medication and talking therapy can have, What If does a great job of showing the potential diagnosis process, its benefits, and the start of the road to recovery. Sharing the difficulties faced by those with OCD in not only understanding the condition themselves, but in explaining it to others, offers a strong insight for both those experiencing mental illness, as well as those who wish to support them. Great for… • Teens experiencing mental ill-health • Parents looking to gain an insight into OCD • Readers looking for hopeful, inspirational mental illnessfocused fiction
OUTSIDE INFLUENCES One of the biggest messages What If weaves into the background is the impact others can have on our mental health – and our recovery. Showing a mixture of adults who impact him – from a teacher who reaches out to offer support, to family with similar experiences, and a parent whose desire for their child to succeed unwittingly outweighs their focus on Josh’s immediate health, happiness and wellbeing – What If imparts a powerful message without being overwhelming or didactic. Throughout our lives, whether we realise it or not, we have the power to greatly impact the mental health and wellbeing of those around us. We can be the difference between someone feeling like they can ask for support, or bottling things up and pushing themselves until breaking point. SHOULD I READ IT? In a word? Yes. Author Anna Russell speaks from a place of experience. Having OCD herself, she created What If in hopes of raising awareness of mental health in literature. While the overall plot can feel a little simplistic and even formulaic in places, the focus on OCD combined with the unusual narrative keeps things fresh and unique. Coming across as a more accessible read for teens, tweens, and young adults, Russell’s book offers an engaging introduction to a complex subject, giving a clearer insight into OCD and the way it can affect someone than purely factual explanations. Imparting an overall positive message that focuses on accepting help, speaking up when others struggle to grasp the impact of a diagnosis, and the journey to recovery, What If makes
it clear that there is no magic cure – just hard work, support, and being kind to ourselves along the way. As Josh’s psychiatrist, Dr Sprout says: “Remember: you don’t need to be fixed – just helped.” No one experiencing mental illness is broken; we don’t need ‘fixing’ – we just need to discover the courage to seek help and speak up when we are struggling. What If? By Anna Russell (West 44 Books) IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU’LL LOVE… Turtles All the Way Down By John Green (Penguin, £14.99) Living with anxiety and OCD, Aza’s life is complicated enough. When her best friend brings her on a mission to find a fugitive billionaire, things are about to get even more complicated. OCDaniel By Wesley King (Simon and Schuster, £6.99) Daniel’s life revolves around hiding his OCD, until one day he receives a mysterious note that changes everything. Am I Normal Yet? By Holly Bourne (Usborne Publishing, £7.99) All Evie wants is to be normal. Now she’s almost off her meds, and at a new college where no one knows her as the girl who went nuts, there’s only one thing left to tick off her list...
February 2019 • happiful • 65
EMBRACE IKIGAI ‘Ikigai’ roughly translates to ‘reason for being’, and is the Japanese concept of discovering your purpose in life, and following it with a passion
Photography | Javier Allegue Barros
Breaking free from the prison of anorexia When her strict dieting morphed into a serious eating disorder, would-be lawyer Hannah came close to losing everything. She hopes her story of recovery will inspire others to keep fighting Writing | Hannah Louise Brown
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hen we start a diet, we are led to believe that by changing our body shape, our lives will truly change for the better. For a short time, it might seem that way – the positive comments and attention keep us motivated to keep going, keep losing, changing our body mouthful by mouthful, calorie by calorie. What we don’t anticipate, however, is what happens when the diet takes hold, when you can’t stop, when anorexia comes knocking, and then sneaks in without you noticing. In telling you my story of anorexia, it’s not the weight loss that I want to tell you about. It’s not about the amenorrhea, the osteoporosis, or the bradycardia, that I developed. I want to tell you about what I lost in terms of me. How I lost my soul, my identity, and ultimately me, Hannah – everything I had been, and everything I could become.
So let’s start at the very beginning, with Hannah Louise Brown, the conscientious, hardworking, and outgoing young woman. Sure there were issues in my upbringing, but let’s be honest, who hasn’t faced some difficulty? At the age of 19, I felt euphoric: young and in love, working hard at my studies, with friendships that were both dependable and incredibly fun. I had a career mapped out in the legal profession, and everything glittered with promise. Who knows what it took? A photo perhaps? Or the odd comment about my weight? But I made the decision that the only thing missing from my life was the body I had dreamed of, that I saw in my idols, and that I believed would be the final piece of my perfect-life puzzle. And you know what, at first I got everything that I had dreamed of – the body, the Continues >>>
Hannah’s Story
As my food intake shrank, so did my understanding of how desperate my life had become admiring comments, and the recognition I felt I deserved for sticking to my strict diet. The problem was that it got stricter. I became more rigid with my rules, and lost the ability to see any other way of eating – or functioning – that didn’t conform to those rules. One of the things about the extreme restriction of calories is that, eventually, you lose the ability to function normally or rationally. Interestingly, there is evidence that calorie deficiency has a profound effect on food behaviours, irritability, mood, and levels of fatigue. 68 • happiful • February 2019
So it was no wonder that, as my food intake shrank, so did my understanding of how desperate my life had become; how I had gone from living a rich life, to merely existing. I had become a prisoner of anorexia and my own mind. By the age of 23, I was virtually a skeleton. My sparkle had been extinguished. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I was incredibly unwell. Recalling this stage of my life still brings so much heartache and agony – thinking back to the times that my mum came in to check I was still
breathing; the tears that my brother cried while begging me to eat; the letters from friends who tried to get me to see the reality of the situation; and the times when people stared, assuming I was so, so sick. One young child even stopped her mother and asked: “Mummy, what’s wrong with that girl?” The next year was spent in this awful limbo between inpatient units, battling the system, and going through the motions of recovery without putting any heart into it. I spent time in Bethlem Royal Hospital, a mental health hospital in south-east London. It was truly my idea of hell, a prison, and the memory of it haunts me. I took part in group workshops, couples and family counselling, individual therapy, even screaming therapy, and of course cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). But nothing, and I mean nothing, was easing the deafening scream of my anorexia. Nothing was making me want to commit to my recovery and turn my life around. Any motivation I had when I walked into the hospital had been gradually drained from me. Meal times were laborious and painful as the girls around
me – the ‘ED pixies’ I called them – struggled with their demons, fuelling anxiety. For breakfast, morning after morning, prunes and yoghurt. The horror of being woken at 6.30am every day for our regular weigh-in. Inpatient units have their merit, and of course I credit them with saving my life, but for me it took the form of a hell that I will never, ever forget. Since coming out of hospital, the recovery process has been startlingly difficult, and I wish I knew what finally made me think more about life. I guess it came down to the sheer frustration and exhaustion that I felt at myself, and the realisation that the only person who could make any of that go away was quite simply me. I was, and I am, the author of my own journal. I turn every page and this was a set of pages I was definitely ready to turn. I’ve learnt an incredible amount about myself over the years that I have been on this journey. I’ve been shocked and appalled at my behaviour, at the deceit, and the lies I have told. Pure starvation turned my temperament from beautiful to angry, from peaceful and content to hostile and totally unrecognisable. But I’ve also learnt that I am tough, tougher than I ever
True LIFE
Hannah with the Bedford Blues rugby team
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, but I know that I can be proud not to have become just another statistic thought, and probably tougher than I will ever give myself credit for. I’ve come to realise that I have a lot to grieve for, but so much more to be thankful for. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, but I know that I can be proud not to have become
just another statistic. I vow to fight, and to keep on fighting. It has taken me a few days to write this article, to find the words to articulate my illness, but while doing so I have received emails inquiring about further publications, blogs and campaigns. From being governed by a cruel and manipulative illness, I am now in a stronger position to tell my story in the hope it will help at least one person. Peer support became an intrinsic and valued part of my experience, but with the NHS strapped for time and resources, I took the steps to create my own service – aneartohear.co.uk – because no one quite understands without having stared anorexia in the eye. I have a yoga class which promotes body confidence and wellbeing, I’m a frequent panellist on local radio, and I campaign for mental health
rights, access to treatment, and of course for the quality of that treatment. I hope this story has shown how horrendous anorexia, eating disorders, and all mental illnesses, are. My illness invaded so many areas of my life. It spread like a web to facets of my life that I thought were untouchable. Piecing things back together, and freeing myself from this web, has been so hard but also incredible and exhilarating. I have gone from despair
to glory, stopping at every milestone and hurdle in between. It takes a village to raise a child, an army to fight a war, and the love of all the angels in the world to recover from a mental illness. I consider myself blessed to have come this far; the journey is certainly not over, it might not ever end, but as long as my feet are facing forward there will always be two pairs of footprints in the sand, as I will not walk alone in this battle.
Our Expert Says Anorexia took control, making Hannah physically, mentally and emotionally unwell. As with many people, the anorexia made it difficult to accept the support of friends, family and professionals. Anorexia reaches into all areas of our lives making it hard to function, but Hannah felt she learned about herself in the slow recovery process. She values her victories, as well as mourning the costs. She now offers a variety of support others use to combat their own anorexia. Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor
February 2019 • happiful • 69
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70 • happiful • February 2019
The Little Princess Trust:
hair-oines for those in hard times
Photography | Jonathan Hordle
H A diagnosis of a serious illness is devastating. And when that diagnosis is for a child, the effect is twofold. We take a look at the charity which provides real-hair wigs free of charge to children and young adults under the age of 24 who have lost their own hair to cancer treatment and other conditions, and learn more about the very special little girl who inspired it all Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
annah Tarplee was diagnosed with cancer at five years old and, sadly, died in 2005. But in her short life, Hannah touched many of the people around her. In Hannah’s memory, her parents, Wendy and Simon, launched The Little Princess Trust – a charity providing specialist real-hair children’s wigs to those who have lost hair due to cancer treatment and other conditions. Hair loss is often a side-effect of intense treatment for serious illnesses, but the impact of losing hair can shatter self-confidence, and make an already difficult journey even harder. In Hannah’s memory, The Little Princess Trust is the charity that hopes to bring some relief to young people in the midst of treatment. Last year they raised more than £4.5 million, using the money to fund research and give more than 1,000 free wigs to unwell children. We caught up with LPT co-founder Wendy to find out more about what makes this charity so special. Continues >>>
The Little Princess Trust
Mercedes Lavin “My hair grows relatively fast. It’s something I produce with no cost, and is essentially not important to me. Knowing that I have enabled someone to have a realistic looking wig makes me enjoy my new pixie cut a thousand times more. By donating my hair, I hope I have given someone one less thing to worry about on that difficult journey.”
RESEARCH
72 • happiful • February 2019
MAKING A DIFFERENCE
Over the years, The Little Princess Trust has gained the support of many highly influential figures, including Harry Styles, and the
Zarrin Kadir “I've been blessed with thick hair that grows fairly quickly. I remember seeing Jessie J donate her hair, and thought it was such an amazing to do. I decided to grow it out, and after two years, I did the big chop. I was so anxious as my thick, long hair was my trademark, but at the end of the day, my hair will grow back, and getting the opportunity to contribute to making a little princess happy somewhere is an honour, and it is the least I can do.”
Images | Mercedes: Instagram @mercedescharlotte, Wendy: The Little Princess Trust
WHY WIGS MATTER
A good hair day can transform our self-confidence. But real-hair, highquality wigs are expensive, starting from £400 and going up in price for longer hair and different styles. For many, including Wendy, these prices make the wigs unattainable. Wendy saw how traumatic it was for Hannah to lose her hair, and tells us: “There was very little help available in sourcing and funding a real hair wig for a young child, yet it was something we desperately wanted to give our daughter. We instantly recognised it as an area which needed better provision.” And so Wendy and Simon decided to do something, and in 2006 – with help from friends and Hannah’s school, Hereford Cathedral Junior School – The Little Princess Trust was born. The charity collects donations of real hair, which are sent to their factory in China to be made into wigs. These are distributed to wigfitters in the UK and Ireland and are given for free to those who need them.
While the wigs have the ability to empower young people with the confidence that they need to go about their daily lives throughout their treatment, it is just one side of the work that The Little Princess Trust does. In partnership with Children’s Cancer and Leukaemia Group, the Little Princess Trust funds vital research into childhood cancers. Since 2016, the charity has donated a massive £2.2 million across 27 projects. But for The Little Princess Trust, looking into the development of less aggressive and toxic treatments, so that children don’t have to go through the trauma of losing their hair in the first place, is their top priority. “When we initially started the charity, we spoke of how wonderful it would be if one day there wasn’t a need for an organisation of this kind,” says Wendy. “I could never have imagined that 10 years later we would be able to fund research that might one day help to achieve just that.”
By donating my hair, I hope I have given someone one less thing to worry about on that difficult journey
Donating DIFFERENTLY
Duchess of Cambridge. This support matters because it’s the generosity of the people donating that allows the charity to continue providing wigs for children who need them. Considering the level of support that The Little Princess Trust receives, we asked Wendy what she thought it was about the charity that people find so compelling? “So many charities have to depend solely on financial contributions from their supporters. I think people love the fact that they can support our charity in such an innovative way – by donating their hair, which may have ended up in the hairdresser's dustbin!” Donating hair is a direct, personal way of getting involved and, ultimately, changing lives. And while many people choose to fundraise money in the lead-up to cutting their hair, the hair donation is a poignant symbol of the power of kindness – something money just can’t buy.
A LIGHT IN THE DARK
For the children and young people going through illnesses and treatment that causes hair loss, and for the parents who watch them deal with the trauma and distress of this on top of their illness, The Little Princess Trust is a light in the dark. “I am proud of the work that the charity does every single day, and
The Little Princess Trust’s co-founder Wendy
the legacy which has been created in memory of my daughter,” says Wendy. Hannah Tarplee lives on in the moments of joy and comfort given to young people going through the most difficult times of their lives. It’s in the funded research that, one day, will mean that cancer treatment will no longer have to be so invasive. And it’s in the actions of the people she touched in her life, who have been inspired by the strength to get up and do something. It’s her legacy, and the memory of Hannah in the hearts of all who knew her, that come together to make The Little Princess Trust so special.
Laura Simmonds “Following my first donation of 16 inches of hair, a friend who had benefited from the charity messaged thanking me for supporting them. Sadly, she died from cervical cancer aged just 19. Sabrina was a wonderful, kind and caring young woman, and I will continue to donate my hair in her memory.”
I am proud of the work that the charity does every single day and the legacy, which has been created in memory of my daughter
Shehla Ali “I’ve had long hair for about 15 years and heard about donating your hair to The Little Princess Trust. I donated 12 inches. It’s the least I could do, and I think anyone who wants to cut their hair should consider donating it.” Georgia White “I work as a senior stylist at a salon in Ascot. I regularly have brave clients come in to have a massive amount of hair cut off in order to donate to The Little Princess Trust. I also work with Great Length hair extensions in the salon, which uses 100% human-hair. They have an arrangement with LPT so instead of disposing of the hair, we bundle it together and send it off to the charity.”
To find out more about The Little Princess Trust and how you can get involved, visit littleprincesses.org.uk
February 2019 • happiful • 73
Photography | Jeremy Bishop
YOU’RE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK “Storms make trees take deeper roots.” – Dolly Parton
Leaving a Legacy
TIME TO CHANGE Fuelled by the people, and working for the people, Time To Change is a social movement with a fierce determination to instigate and inspire a reformed approach to mental health. Whether through signing pledges, grabbing a cuppa with a colleague, or chatting in the community, you can make the difference
T
he landscape and attitudes around mental health have changed dramatically in the past decade, and one social movement that really got the ball rolling is Time to Change – the brainchild of charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness. Created in 2007, the organisation is looking to support all of our mental health, but currently has a particular focus on closing the gap between mental health being on the radar for women, and being on the radar for men, too.
Writing | Rebecca Thair and Maurice Richmond
You’ve almost certainly heard or seen their incredible campaign work – from the viral ‘In Your Corner’ campaign supporting men’s mental health, to their annual Time to Talk Day encouraging us all to create a positive safe space for conversations around mental health. We spoke to one of the incredible directors behind the project, Jo Loughran, to discover more about Time to Change and the amazing difference it is making to so many people’s lives.
PLEDGING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE With reports showing that 95% of people calling in sick to work with stress will give a different reason for their absence, encouraging workplace environments that support mental wellbeing is of vital importance. Time to Change’s employers’ pledge looks to make stats like these a thing of the past. It asks employers to commit to changing the way people think and act about mental health at work, ensuring employees feel supported in their mental wellbeing. Continues >>>
Starting Conversations
With more than 900 employers in England signed up to the pledge, Time to Change works alongside these businesses to not only develop a plan of action to support their workforce, but to ensure it’s implemented. “There’s always more to do, but we’ve been completely bowled over by the enthusiasm to take this topic area and create some inspiring work,” Jo says. “We’ve been running our employer pledges for about eight years, and we’ve just seen a massive increase in interest. “During the week of World Mental Health Day in 2018 alone, we saw 42 organisations sign up to the pledge, joining everyone from small organisations to FTSE 500 companies who are committing to put in place something that will encourage a mentally healthy workplace.” BACK TO SCHOOL One thing’s for sure, mental health advocates all agree the sooner we address mental health, the better. And one vital place where we can have the biggest impact on future generations is in schools. So, naturally, Time to Change is already on the case. “We’re in about 2,000 secondary schools in England,” Jo says, “which means they might be delivering
Mental health in the school setting, particularly challenging stigma and discrimination, should be an everyday thing. It shouldn’t be a ‘nice to have’ 76 • happiful • February 2019
4 FUNNY VIDEOS 2 SILLY JOKES 1 FRIENDLY SMILE 2 MATES LOOKING OUT FOR EACH OTHER However you do it, make a conversation about mental health. #timetotalk
10 MINUTES 2 CUPS OF TEA 3 BISCUITS DUNKED 0 PRESSURE
1 OPEN-DOOR POLICY 10 MINUTES IN THE BREAK ROOM 1 COLLEAGUE SUPPORTED
However you do it, make a conversation about mental health. #timetotalk
However you do it, make a conversation about mental health. #timetotalk
SIGN THE PLEDGE To get involved with the hundreds of organisations across the country joining the workplace wellbeing revolution, head to time-to-change.org.uk/get-involved
campaigns, or we might be working directly with headteachers, or supporting students to run campaigns in their schools.” Time to Change realised that to engage with their audience of young people, working with educators as conduits to them has been incredibly beneficial. As with any organisation, having senior management buy-in can change the way they operate, so they’re focused on targeting headteachers in this phase. Jo says: “What we’re trying to say to them is that mental health in the classroom, or in the school setting, particularly challenging stigma and discrimination, should be an everyday thing. It shouldn’t be a ‘nice to have’.” Their goal is to encourage teachers to always have the mental health of the students, staff and wider
Join in by using #timetotalk on social media
school network in mind when thinking about planning, policies and procedures. Their website has numerous free, downloadable resources anyone can use and deliver. “Our aim is to ensure everything is as easy as possible,” says Jo, “so that we can say to people: ‘You don’t have to be an expert to deliver this.’” Alongside these resources, the movement has about 140 young champions, who are young people with personal experience of mental health problems, who go along to schools with the team. This way of working with people from the top down – from headteachers and teachers, to engaging the students themselves – is, Jo notes, the beauty of a social movement. “Once you’ve targeted one person, in that one person’s network there will be people of all ages,” she explains. “That’s how we feel we can best spread the messaging and the change in a generation.”
Speaking UP
HUB OF ACTIVITY In the community, Time to Change had some big plans over a five-year period. The proof it’s such an effective movement? They’ve already smashed their target, years in advance. Jo tells us the plan was to have 16 ‘hubs’ in place in 2021, which bring together local authorities, health and wellbeing boards, and the voluntary sector, with a collective goal to improve people’s attitudes and behaviours towards mental health. They have, in fact, already created 39 hubs – with a further eight hubs up for grabs now. An astonishing feat, and evidence that the social movement is only gaining momentum. “Pick-up has been amazing, and this is all about sustainability,” Jo tells us. “We may not be funded after 2021 as a central team, so the more we can pass this on to communities, to schools and employers, the more it becomes embedded and will continue beyond us. That’s crucial for me as the director, and for the two charities as the delivery partners within this programme.” What sets Time to Change’s vision apart is the lifeblood of personal experience running through it. “At the very heart of this, and at the heart of everything we do at Time to Change, has to be lived experience Mental health activist Matt Johnson supporting Time to Talk Day
The more we can pass this on to communities, to schools and employers, the more it becomes embedded and will continue beyond us leadership,” Jo emphasises. “People with lived experience of mental health problems, involved in the planning, the delivery, and in the changing of attitudes.” In order to preserve the longevity of these hubs, and plant seeds for their future, a champions fund is provided, allowing the hub to decide where and how best they can reach out to their network and instill positive change. “The whole beauty of a social movement is that it isn’t about a central team that sits in an office somewhere, it’s about somebody’s original idea and how they can reach their network and communities.” TIME TO TALK One activity we can all get involved in, whether in a hub, school, or workplace, is Time to Talk Day. Time to Talk Day supporters in 2018
Launched in 2014, the annual campaign takes place on Thursday 7 February 2019, and is a day encouraging us all to get together and have a conversation about mental health. Remember, there are two sides to a conversation though – if you don’t feel ready or in a position to talk yourself, know that listening is just as important, too. “The day is about us fighting for the rights of everybody, should they choose to, to talk about their own experience,” explains Jo. “While disclosing things often happens, the day isn’t necessarily about that. It’s a way in which we can nudge the nation to think about mental health, and demonstrate that if somebody were to open up to them, they would be willing to listen, to not judge. “And if we can create that positive culture, it makes it easier for somebody like me, should I choose to talk about it, as I won’t then have to worry about that negative reaction.” The idea behind the day is to take a collaborative step forward in reducing stigma, breaking down misconceptions, improving our relationships, and aiding recovery. To get involved, search ‘Time to Talk Day’ at time-to-change.org.uk for more information, along with free materials to support your day and help get those conversations started. Time to Change director Jo Loughran
Helping children with
depression
With more and more children and young people struggling with depression, we share five ways you can support a child Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford and Philip Karahassan Illustrating | Rosan Magar
A
ccording to The Children’s Society, 10% of adolescents aged just five to 16 have clinically diagnosable mental health problems, yet 70% of them will not receive help and support at an early stage. The Millennial Cohort Study revealed as many as one in four British girls will experience depression by the time they turn 14, while NHS figures suggest one in four young people will experience depression by the time they are 19. Whether children and young people are experiencing more mental health problems, or it’s that we are becoming more aware of what to look for, it’s still unclear, but it’s hard to deny how frequent mental ill-health is becoming amongst adolescents. But, are we more likely to spot some conditions than others? Researchers from the University of Missouri, Columbia revealed parents and teachers struggle to recognise depression in children aged 12 and under – despite 30% of children reporting their own feelings of mild to severe depression. While we may be more accepting and on the lookout for signs of depression amongst teens, many miss or dismiss symptoms in younger children.
78 • happiful • February 2019
Spotting the warning signs Signs of depression can be easily misinterpreted as sadness or a low mood at any age. Through learning to identify symptoms sooner, we can help children get essential support at an earlier stage. Common signs to keep an eye out for in children can include:
• A long-lasting,low mood over a prolonged period where they may seem sad, irritable or grumpy.
• Showing signs or complaining of constant tiredness or trouble sleeping. • Exhibiting signs of low confidence or feeling worthless. • Isolating themselves from loved ones, or a sudden loss of interest in hobbies. • Physical symptoms, such as headaches or repeatedly feeling sick. How to help your child through depression We asked counsellor and psychologist Philip Karahassan to share his advice on how you can help your child if you suspect they are experiencing depression. His advice?
“Depression is a part of life that can leave us feeling powerless to make changes. Yet when our child becomes depressed, it can make us feel disempowered – desperate to help lift their mood with no idea of how to do it. If your child may be showing signs of depression, you can start to help them by:
10% of adolescents aged five to 16 have a clinically diagnosable mental health problem, yet 70% will not receive help and support at an early age 1 Being patient
5
EXPERT IDEAS
Patience is pivotal when it comes to helping anyone with any mental or emotional anguish. You might see the way out, but in their emotional state, they might not. If they feel hurried, it may make them feel even more pressured and alone.
2 Listening
Depression leads to a state of loneliness that may make the person feel unable to trust that anyone will be there for them. You might feel that a quick fix might be all they need, but, in fact, they need to know that you are there for them and can be trusted.
themselves. Let them see that they have what it takes to take action and make positive changes in their life.
4 Being reliable and consistent
By doing this, you are allowing the child to see that there is a way out, and that people around them are there to support them. It gives them a step up to feel able to address their depressed feelings.
5 Not passing judgement
Now, judgement is something which many don’t even feel they are doing, but by telling someone what to do, or ‘shaking them out of it’, it leads the depressed person to connect to the depressive state even more. Instead, start by opening yourself up to their feelings, and being the rock that they need to pass through their depression into a more free, empowered, and happier person. If you’re concerned about a child, find more information about depression at nhs.org and counselling-directory.org.uk Philip Karahassan is an established counsellor and psychologist, with offices in London. Visit therapyin.london
3 Empowering them
This isn't about telling the child what to do, but instead, being supportive and allowing them to problem solve
February 2019 • happiful • 79
B O DY
TALK
How much do you know about stomas and colostomy bags? Even for those with digestive problems, the answer is often ‘not much’. For author, podcaster and vlogger Hannah Witton, who’s had ulcerative colitis since she was a child, things were no different. But when she had to get an ileostomy, there was a whole new world of toilet habits and body functions to get used to, and now she has a new best friend – Mona the stoma
M
ost people seem to have some understanding of colostomy bags. It’s where you poo into a bag, right? That was also the extent of my knowledge, even though I’d been living with ulcerative colitis (UC) since I was seven years old. Well, my mum says I had dodgy poo since I was a baby, but I was diagnosed with UC, a form of inflammatory bowel disease (same family as Crohn’s), when I was seven. I went through a whole bunch of flareups, usually affecting me every two years, and then 10 years of nothing – until 2017. My colitis had come back after 10 years of leaving me alone, and it came back hard. I was so ill over Christmas that I spent the whole day in bed and couldn’t eat anything. I spent New Year’s
Writing | Hannah Witton
Eve on a hospital ward, and I stayed there for four weeks. On Sunday 14 January 2018, I had emergency surgery to have my colon (large intestine) removed. And now I live with an ileostomy. Not a colostomy. Wait, what? There’s different types of poo bags? And so began my journey of learning all about ostomies, AKA stomas. How to put on and take off a bag, how to care for it, clean it, what to eat and what not to eat (sweetcorn is a no no). There’s not a lot of information out there (unless you’re specifically looking for it) about stomas, even though a lot of people live with them. My own knowledge was incredibly limited even though I had ulcerative colitis! So I want to shine light on the reality of living with inflammatory
bowel disease (IBD) and a stoma. There’s a lot of stigma and shame around it. People with stomas often feel too ashamed to talk about it, and others are curious and want to ask questions but don’t know how, or maybe have some misconceptions. First of all, what the heck is a stoma? Well, a stoma is an artificial opening in the body. Depending on where on the body the stoma is, something different comes out. A colostomy comes from part of the colon, an ileostomy (what I have) comes from the ileum (part of your small intestine), and a urostomy is for urine. Mine is red, moist, fleshy and comes out of my right side. You stick a bag to your body to cover the stoma and collect the output – yes, it’s called ‘output’. Continues >>>
Hannah Witton: Body Talk
Photography | Linda Blacker
The biggest misconception I see floating around is about hygiene and smell. Fair enough, it is poo we’re talking about here. But to be honest, I more thoroughly clean my stoma than I ever did my butthole 82 • happiful • February 2019
The biggest misconception I see floating around is about hygiene and smell. Fair enough, it is poo we’re talking about here. But to be honest, I more thoroughly clean my stoma than I ever did my butthole. The bag itself doesn’t smell – there are filters to help with that. The only time you’ll smell my stoma output is if you go to the toilet after me; it’s something I’ve just had to suck up and deal with when using public toilets. I’m never going to see those people again! So, yes it was me who stank up the toilet – but it absolutely wasn’t me who did that horrifically smelling fart! Yes, I can still fart (out of the stoma though). You can sometimes hear it, and I can feel it too. I like to put my hand over the bag as it’s popping off a bunch of farts – very satisfying. But you will never smell
my farts, because they’re protected in the bag. So it wasn’t me. The main thing I want to address that ties in hygiene, smells and farts is the ‘grossness’ of it all. A lot of people’s gut reaction (pardon the pun) is “ew gross”. And I can see why they think that way. I don’t know if it’s gross, but it’s definitely weird, strange, new, sometimes messy, and definitely pooey. The thing is, you get used to it. It’s funny how human beings are so good at adapting to new situations – probably why we’re the dominant species on this planet. But soon it becomes your new normal. I haven’t done a ‘normal’ poo since midDecember 2017. I don’t miss it. It doesn’t feel strange that I can’t do it. I’m used to this intestinal pet on my side moving and squelching. And it is fascinating to watch! Maybe you find
Portrait | George Yonge
Hannah WITTON
it gross. But when it’s attached to you, it’s part of your body. It’s not gross, it’s me. The stoma is like a bright red wet worm, and you can watch it move slightly through the see-through part of the bag. You can also watch as it actually poops; I probably spend more time procrastinating by watching my stoma do its
When you have to get up close and personal to your bodily functions on a daily basis, very quickly it becomes normal, and definitely not gross
business than I do scrolling on social media. It’s mesmerising to watch! When you have to get up close and personal to your bodily functions on a daily basis, very quickly it becomes normal, and definitely not gross. It’s not just been my physical health that’s been affected by my illness and surgery, but my mental health, too. It can be a lot to come to terms with getting a stoma, and some people are more resilient than others. When I was in hospital, I was so ill and all I wanted was for the diseased part of me to be gone, at any cost. But now I’m adjusting to the reality of that cost. I’ve always been a fairly body confident person, but this has definitely knocked me back. I often look at my body and see the bag and think
Hannah’s advice: Getting a stoma is not the end of your life. Not at all. It’s not the end of your social life, your sex life, your dreams to go travelling, or any dreams you have for that matter. It can be hard to get used to at first and you can take all the time you need to adjust physically and mentally. One piece of advice that I was given early on which has really helped me was to name my stoma. My stoma is called Mona (because she was so noisy in her first few days of life!); often I refer to her like she’s a baby or a pet. It’s definitely helped me come to terms with having a stoma. it’s not supposed to be there, that’s not what I look like. But this is one of the reasons why I’ve done photoshoots in my underwear since my surgery – so I can look at myself with the stoma bag and still feel that same confidence I had before. It’s difficult, but I’m getting there. Getting a stoma can be hugely life improving, and life saving. For me, it has saved my life. And now it’s my normal day-to-day life. Find Hannah on Instagram and Twitter @HannahWitton, online at hannahwitton.com, or check out her YouTube channel (youtube. com/hannahwitton). To learn more about stomas, ulcerative colitis, and inflammatory bowel disease, visit crohnsandcolitis.org.uk
February 2019 • happiful • 83
The ride of my life After years of routine working at the same company, Julia was ready for an adventure. But she got more than she bargained for when a simple ride in a tuk-tuk inspired her to expand her horizons Writing | Julia Barbosa
I
always wanted to work hard, have a successful career, and do work that I could be proud of. But what I didn’t know when I was first employed in an office, aged 18, was that work life doesn’t necessarily create a happy life. Since that first internship, I’ve spent more than 15 years successfully navigating meetings, presentations and spreadsheets. So last year, after five years working for the same company, I thought it was time for something different; I took a six-month break to travel the world, learn about myself, and expand my horizons. Along the way I met people from different cultures, meditated in remote zen temples, rode a bike for the first time in eight years, and had many adventures. And I learned something I didn’t expect about happiness at work. And it all started because of a tuk-tuk ride... No trip to India would be complete without a tuk-tuk ride and, chances are, there will be many. For the unaccustomed, riding an auto-rickshaw can be quite the adventure; between negotiating prices, navigating the crazy traffic, and the dangerous overtaking, you are definitely removed from your comfort zone. But somehow it’s also fun, in the way that it
can only be because you’re far from home and don’t have any other options. By the time I arrived in busy Bangalore with two good friends, we had been in lots of tuk-tuks. So when we needed a ride, we just jumped into the next one we found. But as we got on, everything changed; we were sitting in what can only be described as the best tuk-tuk in the world. Auto-rickshaws are usually a pretty simple affair: a three-wheeler with a small bench that can fit up to three people (although you may see whole families and the odd pet in them too). But this one
What made this whole experience unique was the level of attention and care involved was on a completely different level, with plexiglass between the driver and the passenger’s seat, like in a New York taxi from a 70s film. The daily newspaper was folded neatly in a little holder.
Julia and Saw Lin, a local she met in Bagan, Myanmar
Then, there were the decorations: stickers with mandala patterns on the ceiling, colourful children’s drawings everywhere, fake flowers in a tiny vase, and even a little tuk-tuk miniature. This tiny space was a treasure trove. The cherry on top was the bottle clearly labelled “drinking water” made available for the customers. We had hit tuk-tuk jackpot. We spent the short time it took to get to our destination admiring all the details and taking photos of every little thing – this was a great tuk-tuk ride, and it became a highlight of the trip.
What made this whole experience unique was the level of attention and care involved. No detail was overlooked, everything was done deliberately to make sure that we had the best possible experience. And, of course, we did. The care added to that particular tuk-tuk gave a new dimension to our journey. A ride of less than £1 bought in a lot of value to our trip. By going above and beyond all expectations, that quick ride became a story to tell. On reflection, I noticed something else: for me, this Continues >>> February 2019 • happiful • 85
Julia’s Story
was just a short trip from one place to the next; for the driver, it was his life, and he was making the most of it. By adding dedication, energy and authenticity to his work, he was in the business of creating happiness. Driving people around was just how he did it. I took a break from my job expecting to find happiness outside of work, but now I had a clear example of how work can drive happiness (pun intended). I wondered where else I could find happiness at work, so I decided to start to pay attention and collect examples of work that created happiness in my travels. And there were plenty!
I had learned that happiness is engaging and infectious – and it can be found in any work In Kyoto, Japan, famous for its hundreds of ancient temples, I decided to try zen meditation. In a bright room overlooking a quiet garden, a large group of high school students shuffled into the tatami room. Reverend Taka walked in and greeted us with a large smile. Although he was wearing a traditional outfit and looked very much like the Buddhist monk that he is, there was something unexpected about him.
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He talked about our limited attention spans, comparing our difficulty to focus with the concepts of big data and artificial intelligence. This was 21st century zen meditation for a Western crowd, and he kept everyone engaged as he introduced meditation practice in a way that the group could understand and relate to. Then in South Africa, a visit to Robben Island was a humbling example that happiness can really be found anywhere. The prison where Nelson Mandela and many other political prisoners were held during the apartheid years provides a sobering account of the country’s recent history. You learn about prison life, terrible policies and attempted escapes. But to me what made this experience truly unique is that the guides that lead the prison tours are political prisoners who experienced life first-hand on Robben Island. Our guide told us of his daily routine, and the details about how guards took away benefits such as family visits and food rations. But slowly, a different story started to appear: there was a lot of positivity in his attitude. At the prison gates, his first question to our group was: “Why do you all look so serious?” Along the way he made plenty of jokes to put everyone at ease, and by taking a difficult subject and making light of it, he got a different kind of response and openness. Seeing this example of happiness and optimism in the most unlikely setting was really inspiring.
Julia with friends Daniel (left) and Rodrigo (right) in the best tuk-tuk in the world. Bangalore, India
After six months of adventures, it was time for me to go back to work. I was feeling re-energised, relaxed and ready to get back into a normal routine. But I also found a renewed sense of purpose: I had learned that happiness is engaging and infectious – and it can be found in any work. The people I met on my travels were creating happiness through their work, so I wanted to bring this to life in my own way. I spent some time looking at my work and noticing things I could do differently to add some happiness to each day. I started having proper lunch breaks away from
my desk, which led to many great conversations with colleagues. I decided to take more time to appreciate people for the great work that they do, and gratitude definitely makes for a happy workplace. I decided to create a morning routine, which includes meditating and exercising. This puts me in the right mindset for work, so I get to the office much more focused and present. These small changes have changed how I work, and I plan to add more over time. In my travels, I learned that happiness can be found anywhere, so I’m committed to finding it in my own work, every day.
Our Expert Says Julia’s adventure is an inspiring reminder of just how much we miss when we are stuck in our day-to-day routines. For some, going travelling for six months might feel like a risk. However, often the risk is in trying to keep everything the same, even though our needs as an individual might have changed. Julia discovered that changing her approach to work completely transformed her experience of it. By being mindful about what you want and making positive changes, you too can have the fulfilling work-life you deserve! Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation
Place2Be:
Talkin’ ’bout the next generation In a time where more children than ever before are struggling with their mental health, we take a closer look at the charity that’s there for young people, and their adult support systems for their time of need
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ccording to the Children’s Commissioner, from 2017 to 2018, 125,277 children were turned away from specialist mental health treatment. Mental health problems in children and young people are on the rise, and as the budget for mental health services continues to be squeezed, the number of those who are slipping through the net without receiving the appropriate care and support is reaching critical levels. Place2Be is the charity walking the school corridors to directly support
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
not just children struggling with their mental health, but the parents and teachers that surround them, too. Officially recognised by the Charity Commission in 1994, Place2Be was originally a project that sought to place counsellors in primary schools, but quickly grew to the point it is today, where they now offer integrated school-based mental health services in 282 primary and secondary schools across England, Scotland and Wales. To find out more about Place2Be’s invaluable work, we caught up with their CEO, Catherine Roche.
CHANGING WITH THE TIMES
The world today is a different place to what it was in 1994. From the pressures that our children face, to the way they interact and make connections with each other, being a young person in 2019 comes with its own unique challenges. Catherine tells us that throughout the charity’s 25 years of service, this is something that Place2Be has had to be aware of. “Over the years, much has changed,” says Catherine. “But our mission and purpose has Continues >>>
Place2Be now offers school-based mental health services in 282 schools across England, Scotland and Wales
Place2Be’s CEO, Catherine Roche
remained constant: to improve the wellbeing of children and young people by providing emotional support in schools before problems grow and become more complex in later life.
Over the years much has changed, but our mission and purpose has remained constant “Some issues have always been there,” she continues. “Children that come to Place2Be have always faced things such as bereavement, domestic violence, parental addiction, neglect, trauma and more. However, there are also more recent trends such as the rise of social media, which could be contributing towards the increasing 88 • happiful • February 2019
numbers of children and young people struggling with issues like depression, anxiety, and self-harm.” This increase is something that the charity has experienced directly. And Catherine tells us that, despite reaching more than 140,000 pupils with their work in schools, Place2Be is conscious that many young people still aren’t getting the support that they need. In the hope of supporting those who miss out on vital services, Place2Be partnered up with Heads Together to create the Mentally Healthy School website – a place where teachers can find free, quality-assured resources to help primary schools support their pupils, and take mental health support into their own hands where formal services are unable to be established. A CIRCLE OF SUPPORT
When experiencing mental health problems, it’s easy to feel isolated, not to mention scared and confused. And for children, these negative feelings are only multiplied. But in order to properly support young people with
their mental health and emotional wellbeing, parents and teachers need to be fully equipped with resources and information. “As parents, we all want to do the best for our children and to protect them from any difficulties,” Catherine says. “By helping them to build resilience and learn healthy ways to cope with difficult circumstances or feelings, parents and carers can be proactive about promoting positive mental health. In fact, we often say it’s never too early or too late to start thinking about your child’s mental health!” But parents are not the only adult support-givers in children’s lives. Teachers play a vital role in the emotional development of any child. This is something that Place2Be has recognised throughout its history, and is a vital link in its mission. “Teachers are really well-placed to spot mental health problems at an early stage, and to promote positive mental health in the classroom,” Catherine tells us. “They can ensure
Teachers are well-placed to spot mental health problems at an early stage, and to promote positive mental health in the classroom that children know it’s OK to ask for help if they’re worried about something.” Place2Be provides a dedicated counselling service for parents and carers, as well as advice, support and training for teachers so that all the adults around children can feel confident that they know how best to support them. Plenty of accessible, free resources can be found on their website. HEALTHY INSIDE AND OUT
Children’s mental health week is the pinnacle on the Place2Be calendar, and the charity has been marking this event since 2015. This year the theme is Health: Inside and Out. “When we think about healthy living, we tend to focus on looking after our bodies – our physical wellbeing – through food, being active and getting enough sleep. However, in order to be healthy overall, it’s important that we look after our minds – our mental wellbeing – too,” says Catherine. “There’s lots of research that shows that our bodies and minds are closely linked, so improving our physical wellbeing can help our mental wellbeing as well,” she continues. “This year, for our fifth Children’s Mental
Health Week, we want to encourage children and adults alike to take steps to look after our bodies and minds, helping us to feel better in ourselves, and to deal with difficult times.” The point of the week is to ask us to examine the ways that our physical health affects our mental health. Are our children more engaged when they have gone out to play? Are certain foods triggers for anxious behaviour? These are important questions to ask, and are often the foundation to taking care of our emotional wellbeing. BACK TO OUR ROOTS
To finish, Catherine tells us why the work Place2Be does matters so much to her personally: “As a former teacher myself, I understand the enormous importance of education and the crucial role that schools can play in supporting students. I’ve spoken to hundreds of school leaders over the years, and the vast majority tell us that pupils today are bringing more worries into the classroom than they did five years ago. With so much on their minds, it’s no wonder that some children can miss out on all the opportunities that education brings.” The pressures that children face today are unique to them. They were not around when many of us were growing up, and it’s likely that they will change once again as we and the world around us continue to evolve. But despite this, there are universal experiences of childhood that we can all relate to. From the fun and the joy, to the uncertainty and anxieties, we must be there through it all to support the next generation as they embark on their individual journeys. And Place2Be is the life-affirming charity doing just that. To find out more about Place2Be and to donate, visit place2be.org.uk
CREATING AN OPEN HOME ENVIRONMENT
As parents and carers, you have a hugely important role in helping your children to develop their ability to cope with life’s challenges as they grow. Here are some simple actions from Place2Be that you can take with children at any age to help promote positive mental health: - Carve out regular time to be with your child one-to-one, where you can commit to putting other worries to one side, and actively listen to them and their feelings. - Try paraphrasing their words, which will help you tune in to their feelings. - Quiet activities together can make it easier to talk to your child without it turning into an interrogation. This can be especially helpful for teenagers who may take a while to open up. - We are constant role models, so think about how you deal with emotions such as anger and frustration in front of your children, as this will influence how they behave and cope themselves. But remember that it’s natural for everyone to get upset or angry sometimes, and parenting can be a very stressful experience. If you’re worried about your child, it may be worth consulting with a professional – you can either speak to someone at your child’s school, or your GP can advise on local services.
nM E NTA L
H E A LT Hn
Matters
This issue, author and mental health campaigner and speaker Hope Virgo gives insight into her go-to wellness recommendations, and shares her moving personal experience Follow Hope on Twitter @hopevirgo
Mental health matters to me because… having lived with anorexia, and spent a year in a mental health hospital, I have experienced first-hand what it is like to live with a voice in my head telling me what I should be doing. I’ve been at rock bottom, thinking anorexia was my best friend, my everything… I then spent the next 10 years after I was discharged feeling ashamed about my brain, and embarrassed that I couldn’t eat a sandwich. But I’ve realised that doesn’t make me weak, and mental illness doesn’t make anyone weak. It makes us strong individuals as we fight it! Mental health is a huge part of who I am, and a huge part of my story. When I need support I… send a text to those closest to me, and all I say is “I am not OK”, and they just know. It has taken a while for this to happen as I am not always very good at speaking up. But I’ve learnt that simply saying I’m not OK massively helps me.
When I need some self-care, I… take myself to the cinema. I absolutely love it there, and love that no one can contact me while I’m there – you can’t even look at your phone. The books I turn to time and again are… Poorna Bells’ Chasing the Rainbow, and Gulwali Passarlay’s The Lightless Sky – two very powerful stories. I’m about to start Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, and having just started working for myself, I’m excited to learn more of the story behind Nike.
Mental illness doesn’t make anyone weak. It makes us strong individuals as we fight it! Mental health is a huge part of who I am, and a huge part of my story
People I find inspiring online are… those who are so authentic and real. People who feel able to say “I am not OK”. It is so hard to pick my top people as there are so many, but I would say Matt Haig (Twitter @matthaig1) is certainly one for his brutal and very powerful honesty in everything he does. Three things I would say to someone experiencing mental ill-health are… set yourself shortterm goals and celebrate those wins, however small they may feel. It is OK to struggle, but know it will get better. And talking always helps; don’t let those voices in your head make you feel worthless – you deserve more. The moment I felt most proud of myself was… when I finished cycling more than 1,000 miles from John O’Groats to Land’s End. It was a surreal experience, and there were points on the route when I didn’t think I would actually finish. What makes this an even bigger moment for me was that I managed my recovery from anorexia throughout the training and ride itself – which was at times quite tough, but I couldn’t be happier that I did it. To hear more from Hope, read her book, ‘Stand Tall Little Girl’ (Trigger, £11.99), and follow her on Twitter @hopevirgo. Join her campaign to recognise that eating disorders are not just about weight, by searching #dumpthescales on change.org
KINDNESS GOES A LONG WAY
Photography | Rawpixel
“A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” – Charles Dickens
December 2018 • happiful • 91
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