Title Goes Here
Student Name Dr. Matthew Horton English 1102 05 May 2011
English 1102 Final Portfolio Project Title Table of Contents
Analytical Cover Letter....................................................................................................................1 Quality Comparison .........................................................................................................................4 Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................4 Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6 “What’s the Difference?” Paragraph ...................................................................................8 Revision Samples ...........................................................................................................................10 Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ............................................................10 Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................13 Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................15 Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................18 Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................20 Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................26
May 5, 2011 Matthew R. Horton, Ph. D. Assistant Professor of English Gainesville State College Oconee Campus 313b Oconee Classroom 1201 Bishop Farms Parkway Watkinsville, GA 30677 Dear Dr. Horton, My name is Student Name and I am a freshman at Gainesville State College. As I look back at my first assignments in English 1102 and see how far I have come, it is obvious that I have not only learned a tremendous amount but I have improved dramatically as a writer. I have gathered pieces of my writing that I have done this semester into this final, organized, portfolio. In my portfolio, you can witness my progress from basic college writing, to in depth and well thought pieces of writing. In English 1101, I was taught to extract the author’s opinion in articles, and to write about why that opinion is useful. Throughout English 1102, you have taught me to take my 1101 skills to a whole new level of deeper meaning and understanding. Along with in depth content, I have been encouraged to pay closer attention to polishing my grammar. As you read through my portfolio, it is very clear to see my transition from English 1101 to 1102 writing. Learning how to revise more efficiently and asking for help has been my key to success in English 1102. I feel it is necessary to read my portfolio in order to fully understand how much this class has meant to me as a writer, and how hard I am willing to work and improve as a student. The encouragement from you as my teacher and mentor has been uplifting and helpful throughout this semester. You inspired me to relate personal experiences in my writing and to seek deeper meanings in articles. You also taught me that there is always room for improvements. My pieces in my portfolio are far from perfect, but I have used my editing skills that I improved this semester to critique and improve them to the best of my ability. Once you view my portfolio you will be able to see how much hard work I have put into your class. My least successful article response was “Money In Apple.” The article was about the high costs of Apple products, and how the company manages to keep their high prices despite lower cost competitors. The greatest challenge I faced in revising this piece, was fist figuring out what I needed to improve. The first weakness I noticed when revising, was my focus. I struggled with making the entire response turn to the focus of the two paragraphs, which I failed to do in an organized way. The amount of detail present to give proper background support was there, but I had done so in a way that was too broad. I failed at diving into the author’s opinion immediately. I also had a habit of using useless information in order to lengthen my responses. For example I wrote, “’In Apple’s New Core’, Josh Quittner focuses on Apple Inc. creating a more convenient and simpler computer, but in his opinion, this computer may not be in everyone’s budget.” This opening sentence is filled with unnecessary information, and it does not dive into
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Quittner’s overall point of view. In the second paragraph of my response, I decided to reexamine the cultural significance of Quittner’s point of view. By doing so, I nearly started from scratch. I discovered that I was missing a deeper meaning in Quittner’s opinion to begin with. The revisions are very beneficial to the value of the response and certainly improve its overall quality. My most successful article response was “Criminals Set Free.” My first fault that I noticed was that I failed to dive into Wood’s opinion. Being that the opening sentence was so weak, I turned the topic into a stronger direction that I could elaborate on. The response as a whole was unorganized and too broad. When revising my first paragraph, I focused on one specific point of view. Originally, I mentioned Wood’s opinion on the country’s incarceration system, the effectiveness of the GPS anklets, and how he feels that the technology will help the economy. Another problem with the first paragraph was that it had too may quotes from Wood’s article. Quotes are great to use, but I needed to use more of my own words. In the second paragraph, I included a lot of off topic information. For example I wrote, “Graeme Wood brings up many issues about the country’s incarceration system.” This statement is unnecessary. I also needed to incorporate what the author challenged his readers to think about so I wrote, “Wood challenges his readers to examine the prison system in their communities, and examine how GPS tracking anklets may affect their lives.” Because I took my first paragraph in a new direction, I was forced to rewrite most of the second paragraph in order for them to connect. Overall my revisions organized my responses and added quality to my writing. My most successful article response was “Therapeutic Video Games: A solution for the Traumatized.” In this essay I analyzed Sue Halpern’s writing techniques in order to discover underlying importance. Little did I know that examining her writing would take me on an emotional rollercoaster that inspired me relate the death of my father to the progress of a boy named Travis Boyd suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I believe that I figured out what the author was trying to achieve when writing her article and how she executed that goal. I looked at her writing strategies and explained how her opinion was communicated. Halpern used empathy to make her readers connect with Boyd. The fist thing I did when revising my essay was remove all the unnecessary and off topic information. Next I reworked my thesis statement. My thesis statement needed to be on-topic, focused, clear, and persuasive. My original thesis proposed that my essay was about the effectiveness of the technology, when really it is about Halpern’s writing techniques. I also added more background information to better orient the audience to the topic of the paper. In the closing paragraph, I struggled with explaining how the topic sentences are supported. Lastly, my grammar and punctuation was weak so I revised that as well. My essay had a lot of room for improvement, but with a couple of rewritten sentences it is now polished and better organized. With all my growth in the semester I by no means claim to of become a perfect writer. I am well aware that my pieces still need work that I may not be capable of realizing at my current writing level. From my experiences this semester I still wish to be able to stay focused on a central matter instead of letting the idea expand into a greater cause. In my pursuit of better writing I also hope to be able to truly understand the process of higher-
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level writing. In both my article responses, I struggled with elaborating on one specific point of view. Also I got in the habit of adding necessary information in order to meet length requirements. Adding “fluff” in my writing took away a great opportunity to incorporate deeper ideas. Looking back at my graded work, I have noticed an obvious trend in scores. My average score level has been around a ninety percent out of a hundred. My biggest regret this semester has been staying in my comfort zone. Not once did I try to raise the bar, and investigate why I was making the same scores. I was accepting my mediocre score and not challenging myself to improve. While I feel I have the basics down, I know there exist a great expanse I have not discovered yet. The jump from English 1101 writing to 1102 writing has proven itself to be more than I expected. With my experiences in 1101 I hope to display myself as a well learned and intelligent student in both the professional and social worlds. The final portfolio option for the final exam was definitely a choice I do not regret. In English 1101, I also chose the portfolio option. This year I have taken my skills to the next level by presenting you with an electronic portfolio. My scores may not of improved dramatically over the semester but I have matured as a writer. It has been very challenging to find dramatic differences in my pieces, which I believe proves to be more impressive that I did in fact find enough differences to construct quality comparison pieces. I believe my overall grade should bring an A. My work is not by any means perfect but shows growth and creativity. I can only do so much to meet the standards but the growth process to me is the most crucial part of the experience. Thank you for reviewing my portfolio, English 1102 has been an extremely beneficial class to me.
Sincerely,
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Least Successful Article Response Money in Apple Quittner, Josh. "Apple's New Core." TIME. Time Inc., 14 January 2002. Web. 14 April 2011. In “Apple’s New Core”, Josh Quittner focuses on Apple, Inc. creating a more convenient and simpler computer, but in his opinion, this computer may not be in everyone’s budget. Quittner believes that, “Apple is trying to simplify our lives unlike anyone else in the PC world.” Steve Jobs, who helped design the original iMAc, believes it is Apple’s job to simplify lives; and in Quittner’s opinion, Apple has been doing just that. Quittner is excited about Apple’s new iMac advancements when he writes, “Apple recently released a computer that functions even better than its looks. Presenting a sleek flat-panel display and flexible chrome pipe neck, the iMac holds programs such as iTunes, iMovie, and iPhoto, making it the must-have computer.” He is impressed how Apples’s prices have remained constant compared to most technology companies that have been forced to drop their prices. In Quittner’s opinion, “The iMac’s price does not reflect surviving through a recession. Even though Apple’s prices are considered outrageous, Quittner believes Apple is the next big thing. Quittner believes, “If ‘smartestlooking, easiest-to-use, best-engineered’ computer is what consumers want to control their digital lives, then iMac is the way to go.” Today’s technology is supposed to make life easier. It allows us to type essays rather than write on paper, can help people procrastinate by playing games, and keeps our favorite music on portable machines. Computers now allow users to do all of the above; however, computer prices, especially the iMac, can persuade consumers to purchase a cheaper alternative. Quittner challenges consumers, even PC fans, to put their faith into an iMac. Although Apple has not dropped any of their prices to accommodate people during the recession, Quittner knows Apple
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products will soon become a necessity for all who lead complicated lives. Apple is working at perfecting their computers to make life easier for their consumers. Quittner writes, “Owning a good computer allows users stay connected with old friends, keep photographs organized in one place, and listen to nonstop music; but owning a great computer, such as the iMac, creates an even better place to keep all important information and other miscellaneous things.� The author challenges computer users to overlook prices when purchasing a new computer.
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Most Successful Article Response Criminals Set Free Wood, Graeme. "Prison Without Walls." The Atlantic. Atlantic Monthly Group, September 2010. Web. 25 February 2011. According to Graeme Wood, prisoners should be allowed to walk among citizens. He believes with the help of GPS ankle bracelets will save the United States millions of dollars every year. He writes, “In California, the cost per inmate has kept pace with the cost of an Ivy League education, at just shy of $50,000 a year.” He informs his readers that there are currently 2.3 million people incarcerated in the US. In his opinion, the practice of locking large numbers of people up behind bars is ineffective and a national disgrace. Wood believes prison would be great for criminal if it were effective. He says, “Half of those convicts that are released are back in prison within three years.” He doesn’t believe that they learn this way. He tells his readers, “The point of this house arrest is to train convicts to become law-abiders rather than moreruthless lawbreakers.” Wood knows there are thousands of convicts that cannot be trusted and he proposes that they stay in jail. In his opinion, “If we extended this form of enhanced, supervised release even to just the nonviolent offenders currently behind bars, we would empty half our prison beds in one swoop.” He believes this could be a great way to cut government spending and cut down on crime rates. Graeme Wood brings up many issues about the country’s incarceration system. His article sparks attention to these issues, for his readers. He proposes that placing house arrest bands on selected convicts will help our economy. Wood’s opinion is likely to gain supporters for the new GPS device. He says, “If a device strapped to an ankle can help restore the balance, can amplify the voice of conscience relative to the others, is that such a bad thing?” Wood’s
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words have the potential to make his readers question their own lives and how a person’s conscience could change them. His positive outlook, and supportive attitude is addicting, and that attitude may influence his reader’s opinions. By informing his readers of the money spent every year for prison, Wood uses empathy to trigger emotion, and questions for his readers. This technology could cause families to become worried about where they live and possibly relocate.
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What’s the Difference? For my most successful article response, I chose “Criminals Set Free.” This article response covers an article concerning problems with the United State’s incarceration system, and proposes potential beneficial solutions. My response on the article earned a grade of nine out of ten. In the first paragraph I explained Graeme Wood’s opinion concerning GPS surveillance anklets worn by criminals released from prisons. I also included quotes from the author in order to support that point of view. By writing his article, Wood was encouraging concern for the country’s incarceration system and promoting house arrest technology. The second paragraph I focused on the cultural significance of Wood’s opinion. His article is full of eye opening information that readers may not of been aware about prior to reading his article. I included the importance of Wood’s point of view as well as what he challenges his readers to think about. His article causes his readers to question their local prison systems, and how GPS anklets will affect their own lives. My article response followed all the guidelines but in a very broad way. For my least successful article response I chose, “Money In Apple.” Josh Quittner believes that Apple is so successful due to its image that comes with purchasing and expensive computer. I received a nine out of ten on this article response. In my first paragraph, I explained Quittner’s point of view and defended it by including quotes from his article. I did not focus on once specific viewpoint but rather lots of viewpoints found throughout the entire article. Quittner has a wide range of opinions in his article; from being impressed by the way the iMac looks, to his view on the recession happening when he wrote the article. In the second paragraph, I paid attention to the importance of Quittner’s point of view. I incorporated what I believe are potential questions that Quittner challenges his readers to think about. He challenges his readers to
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examine and think about why they chose to buy their Apple products. Once again my article response followed the guidelines given to me, but the organization needs to be polished. After comparing my two pieces, I picked up on a very obvious trend. For all of my article responses, I never scored higher or lower then a nine out of ten. As far as a student, I failed at challenging myself and raising the bar by not seeking advise on how to improve my scores. Instead, I replicated over and over again a nine out of ten article response using different articles. Although they both received the same score, they both have their different weaknesses. In “Money In Apple,” I included information that was off topic and unnecessary in order to lengthen my response. For example, I included the title of Quittner’s article, “Apple’s New Core.” In “Criminals Set Free,” I struggled with picking one specific point of view to elaborate on. I included his opinions about incarceration, the technology, and his predictions about the anklets. From the moment that I received a nine out of ten on my first article response, I should of met with Dr. Horton to figure how I could improve my scores instead of accepting my continuous nines.
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Least Successful Article Response Money In Apple Quittner, Josh. "Apple's New Core." TIMETime. Time Inc., 14 January 2002. Web. 14 April
Formatted: Font: Italic Formatted: Indent: Left: 0", Hanging: 0.5"
2011. In Quittner’s opinion, Mac computers are very appealing, and that appeal is the reason Apple has been so successful and relentless to lowering their prices. In “Apple’s New Core”, Josh Quittner focuses on Apple, Inc. creating a more convenient and simpler computer, but in his opinion, this computer may not be in everyone’s budget. He is impressed how Apples’s prices have remained constant compared to most technology companies that have been forced to drop
Comment [WR1]: The first sentence needs to be his viewpoint, and does not need to include information like the article title.
their prices. Even though Apple’s prices are considered outrageous, Quittner believes Apple is the next big thing and that is what people strive for. Quittner believes that , “Apple is trying to simplify our lives unlike anyone else in the PC world, and the convenience and brand of a Mac
Comment [GSC2]: “Our” is making assumption.
computer is very appealing.” By Presenting a sleek flat-panel display and flexible chrome pipe neck, the iMac holds programs such as iTunes, iMovie, and iPhoto, making it the must-have computer in Quittner’s eyes. In his opinion, “If ‘smartest-looking, easiest-to-use, bestengineered’ computer is what consumers want to control their digital lives, then iMac is the way to go.” Steve Jobs, who helped design the original iMAc, believes it is Apple’s job to simplify
Comment [GSC3]: By moving this sentence, I helped organize by paragraph.
lives; and in Quittner’s opinion, Apple has been doing just that. Quittner is excited about Apple’s new iMac advancements when he writes, “Apple recently released a computer that functions even better than its looks. Presenting a sleek flat-panel display and flexible chrome pipe neck, the iMac holds programs such as iTunes, iMovie, and iPhoto, making it the must-have computer.” He is impressed how Apples’s prices have remained constant compared to most technology companies that have been forced to drop their prices. In Quittner’s opinion, “The
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Comment [GSC4]: This is off topic.
iMac’s price does not reflect surviving through a recession. Even though Apple’s prices are considered outrageous, Quittner believes Apple is the next big thing. Quittner believes, “If ‘smartest-looking, easiest-to-use, best-engineered’ computer is what consumers want to control
Comment [GSC5]: This needed to be at the top of the paragraph because it expands on the opening sentence.
their digital lives, then iMac is the way to go.” Today’s technology is supposed to make life easier. It allows us to type essays rather than write on paper, can help people procrastinate by playing games, and keeps our favorite music on portable machines. Computers now allow users to do all of the above; however, computer prices, especially the iMac, can persuade consumers to purchase a cheaper alternative. Quittner’s
Comment [GSC6]: This is all assumptions.
opinion about Apple and its success with high revenue is important and worth thinking about because, it has the potential to be eye opening for iMac users. Readers may realize underlining reasons why they purchased their iMac computers. Quittner’s opinion to me suggests that people who buy Apple products are not necessarily paying for the technology but they are paying for the attention that comes with having an expensive computer. For example when he writes, “It's no longer a matter of which product is better but rather which world do you want to work in," he is suggesting that most iMac users enjoy the brand of Apple the most. This article has the potential to be humbling for Apple users if they feel like the company’s brand has made them judgmental, like I did personally. Quittner challenges Apple users to examine and think about why they chose to buy their Apple products. He also challenges his audience to observe the reasons why Apple doesn’t feel it is necessary to lower their costs like most of the companies around them.consumers, even PC fans, to put their faith into an iMac. Although Apple has not dropped any of their prices to accommodate people during the recession, Quittner knows Apple products will soon become a necessity for all who lead complicated lives. Apple is working at perfecting their computers to make life easier for their consumers. Quittner writes, “Owning a
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Comment [GSC7]: I chose to take my paragraph in a different direction. I feel like now it relates better with Quittner’s opinion.
good computer allows users stay connected with old friends, keep photographs organized in one place, and listen to nonstop music; but owning a great computer, such as the iMac, creates an even better place to keep all important information and other miscellaneous things.� The author challenges computer users to overlook prices when purchasing a new computer.
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Comment [GSC8]: I decided to take my paragraph in a new direction where I can elaborate more and stay on topic.
Least Successful Article Response Money In Apple Quittner, Josh. "Apple's New Core." Time. Time Inc., 14 January 2002. Web. 14 April 2011. In Quittner’s opinion, Mac computers are very appealing, and that appeal is the reason Apple has been so successful and relentless to lowering their prices. He is impressed how Apples’s prices have remained constant compared to most technology companies that have been forced to drop their prices. Even though Apple’s prices are considered outrageous, Quittner believes Apple is the next big thing and that is what people strive for. Quittner believes that Apple is trying to simplify lives unlike anyone else in the PC world, and the convenience and brand of a Mac computer is very appealing. By Presenting a sleek flat-panel display and flexible chrome pipe neck, the iMac holds programs such as iTunes, iMovie, and iPhoto, making it the must-have computer in Quittner’s eyes. In his opinion, “If ‘smartest-looking, easiest-to-use, bestengineered’ computer is what consumers want to control their digital lives, then iMac is the way to go.” Quittner’s opinion about Apple and its success with high revenue is important and worth thinking about because, it has the potential to be eye opening for iMac users. Readers may realize underlining reasons why they purchased their iMac computers. Quittner’s opinion to me suggests that people who buy Apple products are not necessarily paying for the technology but they are paying for the attention that comes with having an expensive computer. For example when he writes, “It's no longer a matter of which product is better but rather which world do you want to work in," he is suggesting that most iMac users enjoy the brand of Apple the most. This article has the potential to be humbling for Apple users if they feel like the company’s brand has made them judgmental, like I did personally. Quittner challenges Apple users to examine and
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think about why they chose to buy their Apple products. He also challenges his audience to observe the reasons why Apple doesn’t feel it is necessary to lower their costs like most of the companies around them.
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Most Successful Article Response Criminals Set Free Wood, Graeme. "Prison Without Walls." The Atlantic. Atlantic Monthly Group, September
Formatted: Font: Italic
2010. Web. 25 February 2011. In Graeme Wood’s opinion, incarceration in the United States is a serious problem, and he believes there are solutions that can benefit the economy, and the inmates serving time. The cost per inmate is very disturbing to Wood. He feels that, “The practice of locking large numbers
Comment [WR1]: The first sentence needed to be more broad. It is hard to elaborate on the sentence I originally had. This will help with the paragraphs organization.
of people behind bars is too costly, ineffective, and a national disgrace.” Wood believes prison would be great for criminals if it were effective, but according to Wood, “Half of those convicts that are released are back in prison within three years.” He doesn’t believe that they learn and change behind bars. According to Graeme Wood feels that selected prisoners should be allowed to walk among citizens wearing GPS ankle bracelets. He believes with the help of GPS ankle bracelets will save the United States millions of dollars every year. He writes, “In California, the cost per inmate has kept pace with the cost of an Ivy League education, at just shy of $50,000 a
Comment [WR2]: This needed to be organized at the top of the paragraph where it fits in. Comment [WR3]: “According to Graeme” isn’t introducing opinion. Comment [GSC4]: After re‐working my writing, this sentence was out of place.
year.” He informs his readers that there are currently 2.3 million people incarcerated in the US. In his opinion, the practice of locking large numbers of people up behind bars is ineffective and a national disgrace. Wood believes prison would be great for criminal if it were effective. He says, “Half of those convicts that are released are back in prison within three years.” He doesn’t believe that they learn this way. He believes that the house arrest bracelets will train convicts to become law-abiders. He feels that, “If we extended this form of enhanced supervised release even to just the nonviolent offenders currently behind bars, we would empty half out prison beds in one swoop.” tells his readers, “The point of this house arrest is to train convicts to become law-abiders rather than more-ruthless lawbreakers.” Wood knows there are thousands of convicts
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Comment [WR5]: This sentence is a fact, not an opinion. “He informs” is also not introducing an opinion.
Comment [WR6]: I deleted a lot, because I was getting off topic. I needed to stay with the main point of view.
that cannot be trusted and he proposes that they stay in jail. In his opinion, “If we extended this form of enhanced, supervised release even to just the nonviolent offenders currently behind bars, we would empty half our prison beds in one swoop.” Wood defends his point of view by providing his readers with disturbing statistics on the cost of incarceration. He also informs his readers about high percentages of inmates that wind up back in prison within three years after being released. He this could be a great way to cut government spending and cut down on crime rates. Graeme Wood’s point of view is important and worth thinking about because it is full of eye opening information that reader’s may not of been aware about prior to reading his article.
Comment [WR7]: I needed to add this sentence because I did not have anything explaining how Wood defends his point of view. Comment [WR8]: The whole paragraph needed to be reorganized. I got off topic. Comment [WR9]: This is a repeated statement.
Personally, before reading Wood’s article, I was unaware of how much money is spent on inmates in a single year. That information was very shocking to hear. brings up many issues about the country’s incarceration system. His article has the power to sparks attention to the country’s prison systemthese issues, for his readers. He proposes that placing house arrest bands on selected convicts will help our economy. Wood’s opinion is likely to gain supporters for the new GPS device because his point of view is concern, and that concern comes across in his writing. In his article, Wood also suggests solutions that may be appealing to readers who are also concerned about the country’s prison systems. For example he writes, “If a device strapped
Comment [WR10]: I’m not writing about what he brings up, I am writing about why his opinion is important. This is off topic.
Comment [WR11]: “He proposes” is not opinionated. I do not need to include facts or random comments from Wood.
Comment [WR12]: I needed to provide evidence why his opinion would gain supporters.
to an ankle can help restore the balance, can amplify the voice of conscience relative to the others, is that such a bad thing?” Wood challenges his readers to examine the prison system in their own lives, and examine how GPS tracking bracelets may affect them. Wood’s words have the potential to make his readers question their own lives and how a person’s conscience could
Comment [GSC13]: I needed to include what Wood challenges his readers to think about. That was part of the guidelines.
change them. His positive outlook, and supportive attitude is addicting, and that attitude may influence his reader’s opinions. By showing concern in his writing, informing his readers of the
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Comment [GSC14]: It’s not “Wood’s words” it should be, “Wood’s opinion” instead.
money spent every year for prison, Wood uses empathy to trigger emotions, and to spark questions in his readers.
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Comment [GSC15]: Showing concern is an emotion and informing is stating facts. Emotion about a topic leads to opinion.
Most Successful Article Response Criminals Set Free Wood, Graeme. "Prison Without Walls." The Atlantic. Atlantic Monthly Group, September 2010. Web. 25 February 2011. In Graeme Wood’s opinion, incarceration in the United States is a serious problem, and he believes there are solutions that can benefit the economy, and the inmates serving time. The cost per inmate is very disturbing to Wood. He feels that, “The practice of locking large numbers of people behind bars is too costly, ineffective, and a national disgrace.” Wood believes prison would be great for criminals if it were effective, but according to Wood, “Half of those convicts that are released are back in prison within three years.” He doesn’t believe that they learn and change behind bars. Wood feels that selected prisoners should be allowed to walk among citizens wearing GPS ankle bracelets. He believes that the house arrest bracelets will train convicts to become law-abiders. He feels that, “If we extended this form of enhanced supervised release even to just the nonviolent offenders currently behind bars, we would empty half out prison beds in one swoop.” Wood defends his point of view by providing his readers with disturbing statistics on the cost of incarceration. He also informs his readers about high percentages of inmates that wind up back in prison within three years after being released. Graeme Wood’s point of view is important and worth thinking about because it is full of eye opening information that reader’s may not of been aware about prior to reading his article. Personally, before reading Wood’s article, I was unaware of how much money is spent on inmates in a single year. That information was very shocking to hear. His article has the power to sparks attention to the country’s prison system. Wood’s opinion is likely to gain supporters for the new GPS device because his point of view is concern, and that concern comes across in his
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writing. In his article, Wood also suggests solutions that may be appealing to readers who are also concerned about the country’s prison systems. For example he writes, “If a device strapped to an ankle can help restore the balance, can amplify the voice of conscience relative to the others, is that such a bad thing?” Wood challenges his readers to examine the prison system in their own lives, and examine how GPS tracking bracelets may affect them. By showing concern in his writing, Wood uses empathy to trigger emotions, and to spark questions in his readers.
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Name 20 Student Name Professor Horton English 1102 16 February 2011 Therapeutic Video Games: A Solution for the Traumatized Sue Halpern tells the story of a US Marine named Travis Boyd, and his disturbing experience in Iraq when he witnessed his best friend die in front of his eyes. In November 2004, Travis found himself about to rush the roof of a building in the middle of a firefight. Boyd, leading the Marines, ran up the building’s four flights of stairs and was suddenly stopped by the firing of guns all around them. Boyd recalls for Halpern, “The enemy cut loose at us with everything they had and firing bullets that were exploding like firecrackers all around us.” Boyd’s team leader, who he thought of as a brother, ran past him to the far side of the building. Seconds after, he was instantly shot dead. For three years Travis Boyd set all emotions aside and was eventually diagnosed with having chronic post-traumatic stress disorder. In 2007 Boyd agreed to become a subject in the Virtual Iraq clinical trial. Virtual Iraq is a tool for prolonged exposure therapy and it taught Travis Boyd how to cope with P.T.S.D. and live a normal and fulfilling life. Immersion therapy , that Virtual Iraq is based off of, requires the patient to revisit and
Comment [GSC1]: This is unnecessary.
recall the story of the trauma over and over again. Halpern writes, “The idea is to disconnect the memory from the reactions to the memory, so that although the memory of the traumatic event remains, the everyday things that trigger fear and panic, such as cues are restored to insignificance.” Through her writing, Halpern explains to us how effective Virtual Iraq has been proven to be. She explains the technology in a way that her readers can easily understand and
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Comment [GSC2]: I can not use the word “us” because I can not classify myself as “a reader” or a part of Halpern’s audience.
Name 21 imagine. Her details make it easier to mentally picture Boyd’s experience and the equipment used for Virtual Iraq. Halpern has a way of making Boyd’s story come alive in her article, which has the potential to be very inspirational. That realness in her writing makes Post T-traumatic
Comment [GSC3]: I needed to add more clues pointing toward the topic of the paper.
sStress Ddisorder very realistic and eye opening for her readers. After reading about Travis Boyd and his disturbing experience in Iraqwith Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I have been inspired to analyze Sue Halpern’s writing techniques, and her effectiveness in describing the usefulness of
Comment [GSC4]: I am not focusing on his traumatic experience, I am focusing on P.T.S.D. and his progress. I needed to make that more clear.
Virtual Iraq, in order to allow for her readers to gain a deeper appreciation for the technologyBoyd’s progress. In Halpern’s opinion, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a serious illness that people like Boyd suffer through everyday. She writes, “P.T.S.D. is precipitated by a terrifying event or situation—war, a car accident, rape, planes crashing into the World Trade Center—and is characterized by nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts, as well as by emotional detachment, numbness, jumpiness, anger, and avoidance.” Halpern tells her readers exactly how Boyd was effectedaffected daily by this disorder and it comes across as concern and anxiety. She is worried about Boyd when she writes, “He couldn’t sleep, because his mind raced. He was edgy, guilt-racked, depressed. He could barely do his job.” While interviewing Boyd and hearing learning about his amazing progress, Halpern is persuaded and convinced that virtual therapy is a great tool for treating P.T.S.D. She believes that Boyd has been forever changed because of the Virtual Reality technology. When doing her last interview with Boyd, she noticed a change in him. She recalls, “He was more relaxed, and he could joke around.” Boyd tells her, “Before, I felt like there were two people in me, the marine, who was numb, who was a tough guy, and the civilian me, the real me, the guy who isn’t serious all the time, the guy who can take a joke. By the end of therapy I felt more like one person.”
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Comment [GSC5]: Originally I began writing about the effectiveness of the technology, but to me I connected on a deeper level with Boyd, and his progress. My thesis as a whole needed to be made more clear and on‐topic.
Name 22 Halpern uses empathy and imagery as a tool to help her readers connect with Boyd. She feels great compassion for Boyd when hearing his story. While interviewing him, Halpern becomes very familiar with the details and descriptions associated with his experience, thatexperience, which comes alive in her article. When she writes about Boyd’s reaction to virtual world, Halpern allows her readers to get a taste of how scary and emotional P.T.S.D. really is. Boyd says, “When the ground starts vibrating and you smell the smoke, it becomes very real and I start shaking.” Halpern’s description of the virtual therapy process, helps her readers better understand the simple and genius method of therapy. . The first time I read about Boyd’s story, I immediately connected myself withto him. I, just recently, had a disturbing tragedytragic experience in my own life. A few weeks ago I witnessed my own father pass away in front of my eyes. Just like Boyd, I struggle with acceptance everyday. Halpern Writes, “It is in the nature of soldiers to put emotions aside, and that is what Boyd did for three years.” I feel for Boyd because I know what it is like to put your emotions away. Halpern tracks Boyd’s progress in order to help her readers comprehend Virtual Iraq’s effectiveness. She writes, “The first thing Boyd noticed, after a few weeks of Virtual Iraq exposure therapy, was that he was able to sleep without medication, he was more relaxed, and he has a sense of humor.” Halpern’s techniques of imagery and sympathy have the power to have a lasting impact on her readers. Her article has the possibility to cause her readers to relate Boyd’s experience with an event in their own life. After reading about Boyd’s incident, I immediately compared my own tragedy to his. This connection caused me to question the effectiveness of virtual therapy in my own life. Although I do not suffer from P.T.S.D., I do find comfort in telling my story to family and friends. The more and more I share my experience, the more that memory is disconnected from my emotional reaction to the memory. I did not realize this concept until after
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Name 23 reading Halpern’s article. Halpern tells her readers that almost half of P.T.S.D. victims won’t seek treatment. She writes, “If virtual reality exposure therapy proves to be clinically validated, it may be more than another tool in the therapist kit; it may encourage those in need to seek help.” Halpern suggests that Virtual Iraq has the potential to change the lives of those suffering from P.T.S.D. Halpern makes it clear in her writing that Boyd has been dramatically changed because of his therapy. Her article has the potential to spark interest in supporters, and researchers. With more supporters and researchers, Virtual Iraq may become a reality for those who are being victimized by P.T.S.D. Halpern‘s opinion shows her readers that she fully supports the virtual therapy technology. Her writing strategy is to use Boyd, and his story, to encourage readers like myself to connect with P.T.S.D.Virtual Iraq and spark questions and realization in order to interpret a greater meaning. Halpern challenges her readers to interpret her writing in a way that they can connect with Boyd and gain an appreciation for his story. To my surprise, there are people all over the world that I can personally relate to.” Halpern’s encouraging words about Virtual Iraq
Comment [GSC6]: I decided to re‐work this sentence and make it into two different ideas. I also needed to reflect back on my thesis and topic sentences.
and her compassion for Boyd provide evidence that P.T.S.D. is a serious disorder that needs to be recognized. According to a recent study, nearly twenty percent of Iran and Afghanistan war veterans are currently suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. With treatment methods like Virtual Iraq, P.T.S.D has the possibility to help that twenty percent of war veterans. It has the potential to encourage and inspire those who need help, to seek treatment. Boyd told Halpern, “You never really get rid of P.T.S.D., but you learn to live with it. I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.” Halpern’s empathy for Boyd is addicting to her readers.Halpern’s article gives hope to those suffering by the disorder. Her article gives her
Comment [GSC7]: I added this statement to help support my topic sentences.
readers a chance to relate to P.T.S.D. victims, and to connect with them. Her article also gives
Comment [GSC8]: I added this statement in order to reconnect to the thesis without repeating it.
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Name 24 hope to those suffering by the disorder. Hope for change itself, is more then these victims could ever ask for.
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Name 25 Works Cited Halpern, Sue. “Virtual Iraq.” The New Yorker. Condé Nast Digital, 19 May 2008. Web. 16 February 2011.
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Name 26 Student Name Professor Horton English 1102 16 February 2011 Therapeutic Video Games: A Solution for the Traumatized Sue Halpern tells the story of a US Marine named Travis Boyd, and his disturbing experience in Iraq when he witnessed his best friend die in front of his eyes. In November 2004, Travis found himself about to rush the roof of a building in the middle of a firefight. Boyd, leading the Marines, ran up the building’s four flights of stairs and was suddenly stopped by the firing of guns all around them. Boyd recalls for Halpern, “The enemy cut loose at us with everything they had and firing bullets that were exploding like firecrackers all around us.” Boyd’s team leader, who he thought of as a brother, ran past him to the far side of the building. Seconds after, he was shot dead. For three years Travis Boyd set all emotions aside and was eventually diagnosed with having chronic post-traumatic stress disorder. In 2007 Boyd agreed to become a subject in the Virtual Iraq clinical trial. Virtual Iraq is a tool for prolonged exposure therapy and it taught Travis Boyd how to cope with P.T.S.D. Immersion therapy requires the patient to revisit and recall the story of the trauma over and over again. Halpern writes, “The idea is to disconnect the memory from the reactions to the memory, so that although the memory of the traumatic event remains, the everyday things that trigger fear and panic, such as cues are restored to insignificance.” Through her writing, Halpern explains how effective Virtual Iraq has been proven to be. She explains the technology in a way that her readers can easily understand and imagine. Her details make it easier to mentally picture Boyd’s experience and the equipment used for Virtual Iraq. Halpern has a way of making Boyd’s
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Name 27 story come alive in her article, which has the potential to be very inspirational. That realness in her writing makes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder very realistic and eye opening for her readers. After reading about Travis Boyd and his experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I have been inspired to analyze Sue Halpern’s writing techniques, in order to allow for her readers to gain a deeper appreciation for Boyd’s progress. In Halpern’s opinion, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a serious illness that people like Boyd suffer through everyday. She writes, “P.T.S.D. is precipitated by a terrifying event or situation—war, a car accident, rape, planes crashing into the World Trade Center—and is characterized by nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts, as well as by emotional detachment, numbness, jumpiness, anger, and avoidance.” Halpern tells her readers exactly how Boyd was affected daily by this disorder and it comes across as concern and anxiety. She is worried about Boyd when she writes, “He couldn’t sleep, because his mind raced. He was edgy, guilt-racked, depressed. He could barely do his job.” While interviewing Boyd and learning about his amazing progress, Halpern is persuaded and convinced that virtual therapy is a great tool for treating P.T.S.D. She believes that Boyd has been forever changed because of the Virtual Reality technology. When doing her last interview with Boyd, she noticed a change in him. She recalls, “He was more relaxed, and he could joke around.” Boyd tells her, “Before, I felt like there were two people in me, the marine, who was numb, who was a tough guy, and the civilian me, the real me, the guy who isn’t serious all the time, the guy who can take a joke. By the end of therapy I felt more like one person.” Halpern uses empathy and imagery as a tool to help her readers connect with Boyd. She feels great compassion for Boyd when hearing his story. While interviewing him, Halpern becomes very familiar with the details and descriptions associated with his experience, which
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Name 28 comes alive in her article. When she writes about Boyd’s reaction to virtual world, Halpern allows her readers to get a taste of how scary and emotional P.T.S.D. really is. Boyd says, “When the ground starts vibrating and you smell the smoke, it becomes very real and I start shaking.” Halpern’s description of the virtual therapy process, helps her readers better understand the simple and genius method of therapy. The first time I read about Boyd’s story, I immediately connected to him. I recently had a tragic experience in my own life. A few weeks ago I witnessed my own father pass away in front of my eyes. Just like Boyd, I struggle with acceptance everyday. Halpern Writes, “It is in the nature of soldiers to put emotions aside, and that is what Boyd did for three years.” I feel for Boyd because I know what it is like to put your emotions away. Halpern tracks Boyd’s progress in order to help her readers comprehend Virtual Iraq’s effectiveness. She writes, “The first thing Boyd noticed, after a few weeks of Virtual Iraq exposure therapy, was that he was able to sleep without medication, he was more relaxed, and he has a sense of humor.” Halpern’s techniques of imagery and sympathy have the power to have a lasting impact on her readers. Her article has the possibility to cause her readers to relate Boyd’s experience with an event in their own life. After reading about Boyd’s incident, I immediately compared my own tragedy to his. This connection caused me to question the effectiveness of virtual therapy in my own life. Although I do not suffer from P.T.S.D., I do find comfort in telling my story to family and friends. The more and more I share my experience, the more that memory is disconnected from my emotional reaction to the memory. I did not realize this concept until after reading Halpern’s article. Halpern tells her readers that almost half of P.T.S.D. victims won’t seek treatment. She writes, “If virtual reality exposure therapy proves to be clinically validated, it may be more than another tool in the therapist kit; it may encourage those in need to seek help.”
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Name 29 Halpern suggests that Virtual Iraq has the potential to change the lives of those suffering from P.T.S.D. Halpern makes it clear in her writing that Boyd has been dramatically changed because of his therapy. Her article has the potential to spark interest in supporters, and researchers. With more supporters and researchers, Virtual Iraq may become a reality for those who are being victimized by P.T.S.D. Halpern‘s opinion shows her readers that she fully supports the virtual therapy technology. Her writing strategy is to use Boyd, and his story, to encourage readers like myself to connect with P.T.S.D. Halpern challenges her readers to interpret her writing in a way that they can connect with Boyd and gain an appreciation for his story. To my surprise, there are people all over the world that I can personally relate to. Halpern’s encouraging words about Virtual Iraq and her compassion for Boyd provide evidence that P.T.S.D. is a serious disorder that needs to be recognized. According to a recent study, nearly twenty percent of Iran and Afghanistan war veterans are currently suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. With treatment methods like Virtual Iraq, P.T.S.D has the possibility to help that twenty percent of war veterans. It has the potential to encourage and inspire those who need help to seek treatment. Boyd told Halpern, “You never really get rid of P.T.S.D., but you learn to live with it. I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.” Halpern’s empathy for Boyd is addicting to her readers. Her article gives her readers a chance to relate to P.T.S.D. victims, and to connect with them. Her article also gives hope to those suffering by the disorder. Hope for change itself, is more then these victims could ever ask for.
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Name 30 Works Cited Halpern, Sue. “Virtual Iraq.” The New Yorker. Condé Nast Digital, 19 May 2008. Web. 16 February 2011.
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