PREDICTIONS OF THE FALL
J Virgo (August 23 – September 22): In prison for a multiple murder, Virgo? Say it ain’t so! But don’t give up just yet; you have friends in high places after all. Didn’t you go to high school with the woman who draws the comic strip “Cathy”? And didn’t you say your stepmother used to date “the Fall Guy” before he got famous? No? Well, I guess you ARE fucked then.
K Libra (September 23 – October 22): If you wanted that relationship to last, Libra, you probably shouldn’t have traded all her/his stuff for some Whip-its and a half-eaten box of Triscuits™. But what’s done is done, and now you have the place to yourself and three weeks ‘til you get kicked out for non-payment. Why not invite that hollow-eyed burn victim from across the hall over for some crackers… and who knows what else?
L Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): So you shit yourself, Scorpio. Big deal! The only one who noticed was your significant other who found your filthy drawers in the shower, and s/he was gonna dump your sorry ass anyway. Your problems are too numerous to list, and the solutions require interventions by friends you don’t have and therapy you can’t afford, so you might as well keep going along like you are until the law gets involved. Cheers! ~ by Master Ass-trologist Jake Nassif