GLUTTONY DIGEST, SUMMER 2003 -55-
GLUTTONY DIGEST, SUMMER 2003 -56-
coastal terrain and the skyline and the sun itself with their gargantuan bulk. The concept of a pre-packaged, all-expensespaid “If-My-Friends-Could-See-Me-Now”, eat-my-face-off-anddon’t-worry-because-I-can-still-catch-my-favorite-soaps travel opportunity has never appealed to me, but because my neighbor recently quit his job to deal blackjack on a Caribbean islandhopper, I’ve been curious to find out: What’s so great about cruisin’?
brand of eyeliner. After her ship had docked in Santo Domingo harbor at five p.m., they “decided to stay on the boat to eat dinner,” she explained, to get their “money’s worth,” “… AND BESIDES, SHE and besides, she “just ‘JUST LOVED THE loved the chicken Caesar salad they served, just like CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD at Ruby Tuesdays.” After THEY SERVED, JUST LIKE dinner, she and her friend immediately set out on the AT RUBY TUESDAYS.’” pressing errand of locating the elusive eyeliner. “I was very disappointed that the ship didn’t stock the right kind of makeup for my skin-type,” she began. “Luckily, the tourist map that they gave us on the boat had directions to a local drug store.”
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SHOULD PAUSE TO NOTE THAT I DON’T mean to put down anyone’s dreams, and there’s nothing wrong with the pursuit of leisure. I like sitting poolside and sipping margaritas as much as the next girl, and there’s certainly something to be said for convenience. If taping Days of Our Lives and watching it every night when you get home from work brings you true joy, then more power to you. Not everyone has the means (or the desire, for that matter) to help build houses in Appalachia, hike the Incan trail, bicycle through Vietnam, or take another mind-opening, limitpushing expedition into unknown territory. A “Cruise Ship” vacation might be somebody’s idea of paradise, and in theory, it provides a way to go places and see new things.
In theory. My cruise-going friend regaled me with mind-numbing descriptions of the different types of sandwiches available from the ship’s numerous buffets - everything from egg salad to smoked salmon on focaccia55 - and how each room had a mini-bar stocked with sodas and bottled water, but you had to pay extra for those. You also had to pay extra if you wanted to purchase one of the million-or-so photos that the Ship Staff were constantly soliciting and snapping of you. Stepping on the gangplank - click! Stepping off the gangplank - click! Sitting by the pool, gazing out to sea, stuffing your mouth with shrimp cocktail, leaning over the balcony after one too many Mai Thais. - click! click! Say “Dramamine!” She then launched into an explanation of why she “didn’t like the Dominican Republic” - because it was poor, didn’t have a lot of tourist knick-knack shops, and most horribly, didn’t sell her 55
The focaccia was a bit dry.
She and her friend wandered the “dirty, ugly,” non-touristfriendly streets of Santo Domingo. “Luckily,” she quipped, “there were a lot of tourists on the streets anyway,” until they found the store, which to their shock and horror, didn’t stock eyeliner! “You’d think they’d at least have black,” the idiot added, shaking her head in disbelief. She was at her wits’ end, ready to call it quits on Santo Domingo and return to the glittering, gleaming arms of the mother-ship, when lo and behold, a beacon of hope in that bleak, alien landscape appeared... “a RiteAid, thank God.”
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RISIS NARROWLY AVERTED, THE TWO women purchased the appropriate makeup and then set out immediately for some ubiquitous chain restaurant, but “the line was ridiculous,” so they headed instead to the casino, which disappointed them with its seedy decor and limited selection of slot machines. My friend concluded the tale of swashbuckling Santo Domingo by describing how happy she’d been to pull into the next port (I believe it was Cozumel) because they’d conveniently built a strip mall of dive bars right beside the dock. “That way you didn’t even need to venture far from the ship, unless you wanted to look around the island or something crazy like that.” Phew!