GLUTTONY DIGEST, SUMMER 2003 -15-
ASK “THE HEALER”27 by Sahil Godiwala
Y C - D N Healer, I’ve been on the SlimFast™ Diet Plan for, like, EW
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EAR THE
two months now, drinking a shake with breakfast, one with lunch, and then enjoying a sensible dinner, just as the commercials instruct. More like the FatAss diet plan: last week I found out I’d gained seventeen pounds! What the heck! I’ve started drinking a shake with my sensible dinner, even when I’m not hungry, but I’m beginning to have my doubts. I know Tommy Lasorda wouldn’t endorse a product that doesn’t work, but I really want to get a lean, “hot bod” to attract the ladies. ~Tortured Unhappy Bloated Blimpie Overweight Dear the Healer, Where can I find the lyrics to Subway’s Clay Henry commercial? Also naked pic’s of Clay Henry eating foot-long spicy Italians? I don’t have a computer.
Dear TUBBO and HOH, In an unprecedented move of Healerdom, I have chosen to combine your letters into one answer that I believe solves your divergent requests and issues. But first, one thing you peons should realize: not just any assnose off the street can be a truly great advice columnist. It takes blood, sweat, a worn copy of “Toilet Hotties” and constant, aggressive masturbation to remain at this higher level. I hope you people appreciate what I do for you. Thus, A two-part response to your questions, HOH and TUBBO: 1. HOH, here you go: He’s Henry/ Clay Henry/ He got real big on burgers and fries/ Now he’s down to a smaller size/ He’s Henry/ Clay Henry/ Subway, eat fresh!
Mother of sweet, sweating Jesus, that hurt. I need to fuck something innocent. Immediately.
~Hungry Or Horny 27
The foul-mouthed “advice” that Mr. Godiwala dispenses in his column does not necessarily reflect the opinions of GD, The Editors, or his fellow Contributors.
2. Now here’s the twist of Healer-dom: HOH, you have a thing for spicy Italians. TUBBO, you
GLUTTONY DIGEST, SUMMER 2003 -16-
Freemasons keep hidden from seem to have an obsession you!), while HOH can enjoy with Tommy Lasorda and the spicy, spicy foot-long want something good to eat Italian he so that’ll help you obviously lose weight. “DO PEOPLE CALL craves. No Plus, you ‘FATTY-FAT- kidding - I saw YOU apparently don’t read too FAT’, OR JUST ‘FAT- Tommy Lasorda at well. Or, ’?” FAT FATTY FAT Fredo’s Funmaybe you have boy Bathhouse getting worked a problem reading directions on by a slave, and I’ll put it shit, man, the SlimFast™ this way – “little Paco” directions are so easy to certainly earned his money follow that Helen Keller could that day. look like Kate Moss in no time at all. You must have the Trust me, I’m a professional. fattest head ever. Do people call you “fatty-fat-fat”, or just “fat-fat-fatty-fat”? I bet that when you walk down the EAR THE HEALER, WHAT can street, children cry and I do about pissing myself adults spontaneously shit when I drink too much? And I their pants. Christ. Or don’t want to wear no stinkin’ maybe you’re from PhilDepends, that shit is for adelphia? If so, my bad - you fogies and fags. can’t help your obesity. ~Please, I’m Super Soiled. Anyway, listen closely… my Healer, Everything’s Always advice to you both is quite Drenched simple: I suggest you both eat Tommy Lasorda. I’ll send you Dear PISS HEAD, My God, his home address, the code to where do you people come his burglar alarm, as well as from? Mars? Whenever I Chapter 3 from my upcoming check my inbox, it’s always book, “Ambushing Tommy something deviant and/or Lasorda in His Car or Place of wacko…. “Dear the Healer, Residence, Part II: The my dog won’t stop rumpQuickening.” This way, humping me and now he TUBBO, you can absorb his wants a threesome with that knowledge and unique fatbald dude from ‘Night burning abilities by digesting Court.’” “Dear the Healer, I his brain (a scientific fact the can’t help it - I start
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