Fusion Magazine - July 2014

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issue - eleven J U L Y - 2 0 1 4

Wedding ISSUE

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FUSION

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Publisher Notes

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Happily Ever After

Wonderful World of a SL Wedding Planner

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Hoarders: Wedding Edition

A Guide: Wedding Guest Dress Etiquette

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Sort Your Inventory

Little White Chapel

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Cover Story

Weddings Around the World

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Digital Love

Fashion Editor Notes

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Blogger's Corner

Get That Style

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Look of the Month

Shoe Trends

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Stolen Wedding Traditions

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C O N T E N T S

PUBLISHER

Libby

Farleigh

LAYOUT

Libby

Farleigh

FASHION EDITOR

Daija

Arida

MARKETING

Seth

Diabolito

Brittney Lynne

FUSION S t a f f contributors

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SENIOR WRITERS

Rylan

Carling

Bliss

Windlow

WRITERS

Auryn Beorn Jude Tatham Lily Holsworthy

PHOTOGRAPHERS Rylan Carling Bliss Windlow Strawberry Singh

FASHION TEAM Alex1985 Diabolito

Photography by Xantheanne Modeled by Juno Mantel

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On this month's cover:

NOTE-FROM-THE-PUBLISHER 12

It's finally here! I've been looking forward to this issue since we decided to do it. For a confessed cynic, when it comes to SL love, I am surprisingly romantic about it all. Reading through some of the Fusion writers' articles this month you'll get the feeling I'm not the only cynical one in the Fusion team! It's true enough to say, SL relationships get a bad rap. While there are those people who seem to permanently flit from one partner to the next the cases of couples finding love for real is more common than you'd think, just believing the hype. But, this issue isn't celebrating love in and of itself, it's about weddings, which in SL aren't mutually exclusive.

We welcome a new writer this month! Check out Lily Holsworthy's articles this issue, including her feature on wedding dress hoarding. I don't hoard wedding dresses. I might have two (three?) bridal outfits saved, but that doesn't count... right?

Sadly this month we say goodbye to Bliss Windlow who is moving into RL. Bliss has been with Fusion from the beginning and I've looked forward to her articles each and every month. Often hilarious, always entertaining, I'll miss her.

I want to extend a big thank you to Xantheanne for our beautiful cover picture of Juno Mantel this month. Also, the always humble and always lovely Strawberry Singh contributed to this issue, check out her gorgeous vibrant imagery in the Weddings Around the World article.

Enjoy the issue!

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Magic happens. Sometimes you can touch it.

T y l i p p Ha er ev r e t af

It was a beautiful Second Life wedding with all the trimmings. A gorgeous bride, a handsome young man, in a beautiful setting, surrounded by friends and family. But on the other side of the computer, in a tiny apartment, were the people behind the beauty and the majesty; a tiny 87 year old woman and her 89 year old husband.

70 years ago, to the day, they had married in a quick and simple ceremony at her parents’ house. The world did not have time for long drawn out romances and two young kids packed away their romantic dreams for the practical reality of what life required.

The years followed with babies and war, hardships and joys, and all that life throws at people in a lifetime. They had raised babies into adults, kissed grandbabies and great grandbabies hello, and bid farewell to far too many loved ones. They were good people; simple, honest and hardworking.

Now, in the twilight of their lives they were alone, with time for just the two of them but without much in the way of health or money. When they discovered Second Life, it was something interesting they both became involved with. He liked to explore and learn and she liked to dress and decorate the little house she had beside the sea. He worked on the computer in the living room and she at the kitchen table on a laptop that her son no longer needed.

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One day they bumped into one another in world and began to talk in character. She was reluctant at first. It felt strange and funny to pretend they were just meeting when he was just across the room from her, but they persevered. All the things they had missed out on were suddenly a daily activity. They danced, they had long walks through beautiful gardens, they talked, went to shows, attended concerts . . . and they made love.

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He made it magical for her. He made her feel beautiful and alive and she made him feel like a hero who could do anything. Sometimes they role played in themed sims, sometimes they went on great adventures, but the underlying story was always a romantic one and they were inseparable. They refused to rush a thing.

This is the magic of Second Life. It gives voice to words we could not sing in real life. It allows us to express our hearts desires.

It heals. _

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Both of them had tears streaming down their faces as they exchanged their vows. The 70 years between the tender young love represented on the computer screen and the two bent figures moving their fingers across the key board to type ‘forever’ melted away. It was a perfect circle filled with love.

article and photography by Bliss Windlow

The day of the wedding, she woke to find her daughters had prepared her breakfast and were there to help her dress. They did her hair and helped to get everything ready. As she took her place at the computer, the apartment was filled with flowers and family.

p The Won

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ims crashing, the groom unable to log in, guests not turning up, and worst of all, dealing with Bridezilla. These are just a few of the frustrating issues a wedding planner has to deal with, but the job is still worth its weight in confetti, or so I am told.

My travels this week took me to the home of Timeless Weddings, a delightful sim offering all your wedding needs. I sat down and had camomile tea with the companies three owners, Jules Shamrock, Winnie Daxeline and Sam55 Dayafter and they kindly shared what life as a wedding planner involved.

Timeless Weddings was founded by Jules and Sam, with Winnie joining the wedding party a little later. Their sim boasts multiple venues to host weddings, with video makers and photographers on standby to help make your special day perfect. With around 10 years experience between them, what they don’t know about SL weddings isn’t worth talking about.

It seems that most work is done before the big day itself. After a meeting with the happy couple, these three wonderful wedding fairies fly off and work their magic, colour coordinating, arranging and setting out furniture and accessories, downloading chosen music and creating guest invitations. Most of the bigger weddings will need about 7-10 days to arrange, but short, simple weddings can be carried out more quickly.

The three works as a team, sharing responsibilities and all pulling together for the bigger events.

When I asked about the number and type of weddings catered for, I was shocked to find out just how many people go for the big event. Sam55 Dayafter told me

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that June was their busiest month ever with 17 weddings taking place, and right now they are averaging around 4 weddings a week. Winnie Daxeline explained that not only is Timeless Weddings established, it is very well known and there are repeating customers. So just like in RL people are marring more than once and not afraid to return to the scene of their previous crime, or should I say wedding.

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With SL being rich in diversity and culture, I asked what kinds of weddings do the Timeless Weddings crew cater for. I was delighted to hear that all traditions and styles are accommodated, within reason of course. Everything from your traditional heterosexual white weddings and same sex civil partnerships to multiple spouse couplings. To accommodate those looking for traditional cultural celebrations they offer handfasting, broom or sword jumping, glass smashing and sake sipping, to name but a few.

So the bride has her dress, the groom his button hole and the cake is positioned for maximum effect, what do wedding planners do on the big day itself? At this stage it is mostly ensuring everything runs smoothly and to offer the bride and groom reassurance and support throughout the entire event. “All panic or nerves are kept in IM, so we are like swans on the surface� Jules Shamrock explains, a perfect analogy.

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So what is the purpose of a wedding planner and why not do it yourself? The answer is in the title. The wedding planner plans the wedding and hopefully removes the stress and anxiety of ensuring everything is in its place and that your wedding, whether in reality or this virtual world, runs as smoothly as you and your loved one hoped. An invaluable service I am sure you will agree. _

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j Hoarders wedding ed

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article by Lily Holsworthy & photography by Libby Farleigh

he sound of wedding bells are in the air as wedding season is upon us. In Real Life that would mean finding our soul mate, the right venue, the perfect wedding party, just the right flowers, the hairdresser and of course...the dress.

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In Second Life however things work a little differently. For those of us who have been around since the dawn of time in this virtual world we call our second lives, this could mean our third, fourth, fifth, dare I say sixth or seventh time at the altar?

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Lets face it ladies, some of us have done this a time or two with "the most perfect, sweetest, kindest man EVER". We can also face the fact that we all know that hidden shame you dare not tell anyone but that bestie you've had since you were a noob.

The scariest thing in our inventories are those hundreds of wedding dresses we're hoarding.

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At one point or another you've been out shopping and found that perfect dress a million times over and thought to yourself "I'll buy it just in case". Before you know

it you're searching "wedding" in your inventory and you lag yourself out with the amount of wedding gowns you have hidden. Anyone older than mesh knows that that list of dresses includes the dresses from way back when that had millions of prim attachments to get that princess look you really wanted

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G You tell yourself it's ok because you'll use it some day because it's common practice in SL to change your partner as often as you change your hair or shoes. Question is are we doing this because we fall in love every other day or so we can justify using all of those pre purchased wedding dresses we are secretly hoarding?

G Most of you will probably deny this as you search "wedding" and start deleting the demos at the very least, then you'll start trying on old gowns, then you'll think to yourself "I wonder what's out there now that might be new", next thing you know you find yourself searching the grid for that perfect new gown, then decide you need that perfect man of the month to go with it so you can wear it after he gives you that recycled ring from his previous "I had the dress already" weddings.

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You'll fall madly in love and work so hard putting that perfect day together, then you're realize... there's a whole 3 months of new wedding gowns you have to try on. _

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g A Guide: Wedding Guest Dress Etiquette

article by Lily Holsworthy

It's wedding season, the hunt is on for that perfect attendee dress. The only problem is, you find yourself struggling with the question of "Do I or don't I feel comfortable looking better than the bride?". Here's a quick reference guide in order to answer that question. These are hands down the best ways of being the hottest looking guest at the wedding guilt free.

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make sure you really look at the invitation. If you're going as someone's date just ask them to take it out for you. If it looks like someone dug it out of moth balls from 2009 or prior then go ahead and look your best, they won't care. They may actually love each other enough not to care what they look like.

don´t go all out if the wedding invitation looks better than anything you've ever owned. If you look any better than the bride there's a good chance you'll be watching from the ban lines.

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make sure you do a sit test. You do want to be noticed but not because various parts of your body are sticking out of your dresses in embarrassing places. This tends to take attention away from the bride. It may be the best dress you've ever owned but unless it's a stand up event keep that one in the closet.

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have an emergency outfit saved in case you need to do a quick change. You don't want to be the person that shows up wearing the same thing as the bridesmaids.

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do your quick change at the wedding, you don't want to be caught with your alphas down! Send your date ahead of you to scout out any potential problems.

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make sure that if you're taking a date they're reliable and punctual.

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go to your exes wedding no matter how good friends you are. You'll be too tempted to make sure you look better than the bride (lets face it you've already perved her profile a million times and you know exactly what to do to ruin her day), this is only going to make you feel terrible.

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make sure your dress doesn't look like it could be mistaken for lingerie. This is tacky and makes you look like a prostitute looking for a sugar daddy.

If you can follow these guidelines you should be the model wedding guest all while looking your very best. No one likes a bad wedding guest. You want to be remembered for having been there but not for all the wrong reasons. _

CCCCCCCCR Come explore The Courtyard, a new kid, teen and family hangout. Sign up for Brownies or one of our other clubs!

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没 click this page for a LM

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UNDER CONTROL

PART FIVE

Keeping Your inventory

by Auryn Beorn

Greetings everybody! We've talked about boxing (using boxes to store our items), and even using notecards when packing our inventory, in order to make the total count of items go down.

There are some specialized items that will allow us to use some assets, even if they are packed: pose HUDs and texture organizers, to mention a couple of examples. This is extremely useful: while some of our assets are packed, we can still use them as if they were unpacked.

A texture organizer, for example, is an object that will allow us to browse the textures we put in it, not needing to have the textures unpacked in inventory: when we need one, we just click on it in the organizer, and it will deliver us a copy. We use it, and delete it when we're done: it will still be in the organizer... and if we're extra-careful packing, in a backup box. (If we're extra-extra-careful, we'll also make a copy of the texture organizer.

Things happen all the time.)

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What features would be nice in a texture organizer? As many categories as possible, ability to label the categories as we wish, search function, remove duplicates function, rezzable

and HUD at the same time. Extra bonus if it recognizes sounds and animations. This is a tool particularly useful for builders and designers in SL.

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A pose HUD is also a very helpful tool, especially if you are into SL photography (if you plan to be a blogger, you will need this). We may have in each of our pose HUDs thousands of poses that don't need to be unpacked in our inventories, and browse them easily, selecting which one we want to use at any moment.

What features would be useful on a pose HUD? Again, as many categories as possible, ability to label categories, search. Also, facial expressions, eye movement, ability to make at least one more avatar to pose. Perhaps we don't find all these together in a single HUD. If that's the case, know that there's a free HUD that will allow you to control facial expressions and eye movement, if you don't find an all-in-one that is within your budget, search Marketplace for Anypose Expression.

Texture organizers and pose HUDs will have a specific requirement: Do not add a no copy asset. This is for technical reasons, it is important to bring it up because we have to be really aware of the following fact: if we drop just one no copy asset into just one box of a big linked object, the whole object is going to turn into no copy in our inventory, and this is a risk. I would suggest packing no copy items separately, to avoid the risk of losing one of our packing boxes because of SL eating no copy items.

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Keep an eye when packing, because at times there's a no copy ad (texture) among all the copy/no transfer items, or a no copy alpha layer... and just that will make your packing box quite vulnerable to a SL mishap.

We'll continue in the next issue, with the last part of this series: Appliers and outfits.

We're almost done! Enjoy your SL. _

L I T T E W H I T E CHAPEL article & photography

by Rylan Carling

Girl and boy meet, they spend countless hours getting to know each other, it feels like years. They share each other's landmarks, equivalent of giving each a house key. Girl introduces boy to her friends; boy reciprocates, but probably has more girl friends than boy friends. Jealousy might pop up, they have their first fight. Words are exchanged followed by numerous "!!!!!!!" After a few hours of silent treatment, one relents and apologies start flying, they swear their love to each other, and take the only natural next step. These two soulmates get married!

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Let's just get to the bottom line. With the revolving door of partnerhood, SL weddings can be amazing productions and expensive. Here's a tip: it doesn't matter where it happens because it ends the same way....in wedded bliss of course!!!! Do you really want to go through the whole ordeal of planning a wedding? You can get hitched in a perfectly quaint chapel, receive your certificate and run off on that exotic honeymoon you've always dreamed of together. Honestly, it's never too early to start practicing for those prim babies!!!

The Vegas Little White Chapel offers everything a bride and groom could possibly need. If you're in a hurry and want to fill that partner box ASAP because you just can't stand one more minute of not being official, there is an automated minister ready at any time! You and your spouse-to-be simply stand in front of the minister, pay the fee and do NOT forget to say "I Do!". Those precious words ensure you receive the wedding gift box which includes the marriage certificate and even wedding rings!

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If you'd like a more traditional wedding, with guests and a walk down the aisle, you can rent out the chapel. You have three different packages to choose from: In a Hurry, Short and Sweet, and Express Deluxe.

Spend your time getting all glammed up and let the Little White Chapel take care of the technicalities for you. Congratulations on finding the love of your SLife, for right now in any case, and may your days, weeks, (months?) be filled with all good things!

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Best of luck! _

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FUSION cover model

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article by Rylan Carling & photography by Xantheanne

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ù ) Juno Mantel

into learning how to make a basic prim plant, which made Juno stop thinking that “building is something for other smarter, more skilled people.” That basic prim plant, nothing more than a plant texture and a transparency on a prim with flexi turned on, was the beginning of a great designer.

uno Mantel first heard about SL in 2006 when her big brother mentioned a game in which users create content. Juno, at that time, wanted to get into design in RL, a dramatic change from her nursing path. In 2007, she made her first avatar and spent her time dressing up as a Victorian lady in whatever freebies she could find. Feeling discouraged by the lack of skills she felt she needed to create, Juno didn’t even try. By later 2008, Juno was a SL regular and involved in the fantasy role play community. She loved dressing up her avatar in historical and fantasy clothing, and had fun writing up stories with others. One of her friends FORCED her

Right away, Juno started making flexi skirts and quickly had her first few dresses made. Again, a few friends insisted that she sell them. She figured they were just being nice, indulging in her hobby as friends do. With a little push, she figured nothing ventured, nothing gained, and Junbug was created. Channeling her inspirations that came from high school lunch hours spent looking through historical costume books, she took to designing masterpieces. She’s watched just about every period drama ever made, and, admittedly, maybe several times over. Her love for vintage fashion has always been a part of her, even as far back as being a 9 year old watching Pride and

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Prejudice and falling in love with Mr. Darcy.

Being part of the SL fashion community has enabled Juno to pursue her RL dreams. She is lucky enough now to be making sufficient RL income from her SL designing. On top of that, she is moving across the world to live where she has always dreamed of because of the freedom of online work! Junbug has grown into a full http://www.junbugs.com/ time job and Juno often spends 40+ hours on SL in a week. Because she LOVES what she does and has great friends here, it does mean the line between work and leisure can easily get a little blurry. Her family and friends know https://www.flickr.com/phowhat she does, so the line between RL and SL tos/99635788@N04/ is very thin. What Juno does in her SL, lets her play in her RL! She laughs and says she’s not sure if that gives her a well-balanced life or one completely lost to SL! http://www.plurk.com/JunoMantel Juno feels SL is full of such wonderful people and it’s a place where creativity and imagination can really be let loose. She loves that, and it’s essentially what drew her here in the first place. But alas - SL also enables some to let loose their nasty side as well. Juno’s greatest challenge has been dealing with the bullying

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blog

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and abuse she has encountered over the years from a small number of designers.

This is something she knows many other designers have suffered - in fact her best friend in SL is someone with whom she bonded over due to a shared experience of being bullied. It's a nasty side that many people might be unaware of. No one deserves to be threatened simply because they make things and their creating makes another designer feel insecure enough to start such ugly behavior. She’s had a number of people try to bully and threaten her into ceasing to create. Juno’s had to adopt a tougher skin to deal with this side of being a store owner. And she hopes that by sharing this with you that anyone else suffering through the same thing (whether store related or not) might feel a little bit less alone. Her message to you: Surround yourself with your friends and positivity. Please don't let the naysayers get to you.

What does the future hold for this designer? On a personal level, Juno hopes to always stay close to her wonderful, small circle of friends and meet new people.

Store-wise, she aims to keep creating and expand her male line of clothing. Juno really hopes to keep being lucky enough to be invited to the great events going on. She’s a self-admitted junkie for beautiful homewares and furniture. Juno has a Church of Darcy that all are welcome to that she intends to keep decorated with all the most beautiful creations from her fellow creators. She would REALLY love to see a more advanced mesh dynamic that allows for realistic movement of cloth; so that skirts really do move the way they do in RL. And, let’s not forget, more Darcy paraphernalia would not hurt. _

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article by Jude Tatham & photography by Strawberry Singh

Weddings World 53

around the

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he wedding is one of the most celebrated events in the world, but if I were to ask you ‘what is a traditional wedding’, I am sure your answer would differ depending on your geographical location and nationality. The reasons behind a marriage are, on the whole, the same regardless of where you are from. It involves bringing two people together to unite them in a sacred union for the rest of their lives. But the wedding ceremony itself can differ widely from country to country.

For many, a traditional western wedding involves a big white dress, a wedding cake, bridesmaids, ushers/groomsmen and the exchanging of rings. In the past a wedding usually involved a bride and groom and was held in a church, but as the years have gone by and attitudes have changed, we are now seeing many weddings taking a less religious tone, with same sex marriages and civil partnerships being held in an array of venues, including hotels, gardens and even on the beach.

But when we look outside of our own front door we see the world is full of interesting and unique ways of saying ‘I do’ both culturally, religiously and spiritually.

The Japanese have a tradition of the couple taking sips of sake together to formalize their union, something so simple, but so significant. In India there is a pre-wedding engagement ceremony where gifts and sweets are exchanged between families, and then during the big day the bride and groom put flower garlands around each other’s necks in a ceremony called Var Mala. This is to show that the bride has accepted the groom as her husband.

My personal favourite tradition comes from Jamaica. Everyone in the village gathers in the street to see the bride and if she isn’t looking perfect, she is publicly criticized.

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Now that brings a whole new meaning to the saying ‘dress to impress’.

It seems, however that SL tends to lean towards western ways. There are lots of examples of white weddings, wedding dresses are on sale throughout the grid and it is common place to have a wedding cake, a bouquet, rings to exchange and vows to say. That said, however I know that SL is embracing cultural diversity and some of our traditions and beliefs are being provided, for example handfasting, broom jumping and glass smashing.

So let’s salute the traditions and rituals and whoever you are, wherever you are, let’s celebrate the love. _

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love

›DIGITAL‹

by Jude Tatham

Second Life has created and nurtured some very true love stories over the years, many of which have transcended the grid and found their way into real life with very real feelings behind them.

This month at Fusion we are celebrating the coming together of kindred souls to be joined in matrimony, but for those that have already taken their virtual vows and have committed their online time to another, I am curious to know the secret of a strong partnership in SL. “Where there is love there is life” - Mahatma Gandhi My research began with some serious profile snooping to see who was partnered, not that my enquiries were exclusive for those attached, but I wanted to check I wasn’t going to open any old wounds left by a bad break up. Then I gently IMd a mixture of people to sate my curiosity and was pleasantly surprised to find most were more than willing to give their views and talk about their feelings on this subject.

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My findings were not at all surprising and pretty straight forward. There are no HUD attachments, special handshakes or ultimate pose balls that couples must use to make it work and just like in reality, regardless of what is said, there are never

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any guarantees.

There were several reasons banded about such as compatible time zones, same interests, being able to laugh together and a love of sex. But two words were mentioned more than once and I believe that these are the true key to any lasting virtual relationship – trust and honesty.

So why trust, surely there are times when one person is online without the other, what does it matter what they get up to. Well just as in RL, it does matter. As everyone says, behind these avatars are people, real people with real feelings and no one wants to feel that as soon as their back is turned their partner strays. That said, some couples mutually agree to an open relationship and this involves an understanding between them both, which leads me onto honesty.

It is vital that from the word go both parties know what is at stake. Will this relationship remain virtual only, are the couple exclusive, are there any RL issues that may interfere and so on. Without taking the romance out of it all, there is definitely a need to sit down and decide what works for them both and how to stay true to one another.

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So to sum up, love in Second Life is a journey and we all need to work at it. For all the flings and encounters we have, there are a privileged few that have found something strong, something long-lasting and something worth logging on for time and time again. _

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Fashion Editor N O T E

Photographed by Jordan Whitt

I hope your summer is going as awesome as you guys are!

This issue is our wedding issue, and I’m soooo excited about it! We have all of our recurring sections but of course we put our wedding twist on it. Because you know, we are different and like to do things all kind of crazy spice.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to IM me in world or contact

Stay awesome, Daija Arida

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me via email at daijaarida@gmail.com

blogger's corner

By Alex1985 Diabolito

New month, new issue and this time I wanted to show off this awesome tux by Kauna, just in case any of you gents is planning a SL wedding during this summer. With all the different versions and accessory options it has, it's really hard to NOT look pretty dapper for your "white wedding". I couldn't find any wedding dresses to blog with this but I don't look that good in them anyway.

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Skin : Vivant in David from Tableau Hair : High and Dry from Exile Tuxedo: XIV tux from Kauna Shoes: Wingtip brogues from Kauna

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Dress: Cami Dress in White from *COCO*

Hair: HARUKA in Blonde from *ARGRACE*

Bracelet: Tennis Bracelet in Diamond from EarthStones Skin: Cassia skin in America from -Glam Affair -

Bouquet: Bridesmaid Bouquet in All White from !Rebel Hope Designs

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GET THAT STYLE

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Look OFTHE Month

Photographed by Xantheanne Resident Flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/95681306@N07/ & http://xantheanneslife.wordpress.com/

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STOLEN

w e d d i ng * traditions

*no-one asked about but I 'm sharing anyway

by Bliss Windlow

In Sweden, when the bride leaves the room to go to the bathroom the groom is supposed to kiss all the other women and vice versa when he leaves. Stolen. Just last week I was at a wedding where I saw the father of the bride kissing one of the bridesmaids. Some guy named "Uncle Jimmy" was playing tonsil hockey with one of the groomsmen and grandma was kissing everything and everyone, even the minister. I am not sure anyone was in the bathroom at the time. I think this is one of those traditions that kind of deteriorates over the years and loses some of its magic, although grandma was sparkling and said it was the best time ever, even though she lost her false teeth.

In France they collect all the trash after the wedding is over and put it in a toilet bowl that the bride and groom have to drink from. Today they use chocolate instead of trash because chocolate makes everything better, including, evidently, drinking out of a toilet bowl. Again, stolen and repurposed idea. While I have not seen anyone drinking anything from a toilet bowl, I have seen wedding guests worshipping it, bowing down to it, leaning over it and holding it in a religious way. One of those weddings had a chocolate cake that tasted like it had been in a toilet. All of them served lots of drinks. Same tradition, clearly.

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In Ireland, the bride's feet have to maintain contact with the floor at all times otherwise the evil fairies will come and sweep her away. They say evil fairies do this because they

like beautiful things and the bride is beautiful. So I guess if the bride is ugly, she is free to take her feet off the floor anytime she likes, people may even pay the evil fairies to take her. No-one seems to care as much when ugly people go missing. This poses special problems for consummating the marriage later that night and can be a legal defence should your bride go missing. "Officer, she was so beautiful, the moment she lifted her feet from the floor, the evil fairies swept her away."

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French Polynesia does this little thing where once the wedding reception is over, the relatives of the bride all lay side by side in the dirt, face down, so the bride and groom can walk across them. Here, only the mother in law lies down and the bride walks over her, sort of stomping AND grinding her heels with each step. She smiles a lot. This happens so that later on, in the middle of the most important event of the bride’s life, the mother in law can scream out, "do you think you can just walk all over me like I am dirt beneath your feet?" The only possible response can be "yes . . . I did." The mother in law can complain about it at her bridge club and show the scars if the stomping and grinding left any. The bride has no defence because there is proof, in the wedding album and probably silk screened or crocheted onto a throw pillow.

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And finally, in some other Irish countries (it can't just be one Irish country coming up with all this stuff) they have ‘straw boys’ who go to the house of the bride the night before the wedding and ‘dance’ with her. Here we have groomsmen. They sometimes 'dance' with the bride the night before the wedding as well. We call them 'home wreckers' or 'dirty bastards.'

Traditions are the glue that holds our families together in really interesting, completely retarded ways. You can't even begin to try and defend them, you just have to roll with them and hope that no-one recognizes you in all that peach tulle with dove feathers in your teeth and you hair shellacked into a helmet with flowers glue-gunned in place. _

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