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18 | folio weekly | mAY 10-16, 2011
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n a week filled with crappy season finales, there is one TV show I hate — yet “hate” to see go. Yes, this week brings the final episode EVER of “Smallville” (CW, Friday, May 13, 8 p.m.). As a young TV columnist, I grew up with this hilariously operatic teen drama featuring postpubescent hunky hunkster Clark Kent (played by the muscley-hot if not particularly talented Tom Welling). I’ve written at least umpteen columns about “Smallville,” all of which devolved into lengthy, practically unreadable essays involving Welling repeatedly whipping off his shirt, accompanied by intense descriptions of the height, circumference and hue of his nipples. Well, those days are nearly kaput, my friends — and not because my earlier columns landed me on several pedophile watch lists. Just as Superboy has grown into a SuperMAN,
Where once these pecs were a model of structural perfection, they are now discolored and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN?? I, too, have matured. No longer do I drool like a hormonal tween at a Justin Bieber concert — because frankly? Tom Welling is like 34 years old now (!!) and his nips look like it. The show lost my interest a few seasons ago — thanks to deteriorating story lines and the departure of Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor) and maniacally hot Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang). In fact, I wasn’t even upset when Welling stopped taking his shirt off, because, as mentioned earlier, his chest is a national embarrassment. Where once these pecs were a model of structural perfection, they are now discolored and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN?? “Hey, hey, Humpy! Easy on Tom Welling’s nipples, already!” I hear you cry. “You’re no spring chicken. I seriously doubt your nipples are much better!” OH, YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES, DO YOU? Well, here! WHOOSH! (That’s the sound of me yanking my shirt up, btw.) Observe the chest of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to recreate. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? A perfect blend of eumelanin (brown pigment) and pheomelanin (red pigment) or in layperson’s terms, the color of a glorious sunrise. And my nipples? Look up “perky” in the dictionary, and you’ll see their picture! They rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14mm — long enough to hang your average hat on or serve in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are five-foot-four to receive ocular damage. Why, yes — they DO have the
ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it’s unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself — THAT’S how perky my nipples are! That being said, I will absolutely watch the final episode of “Smallville.” I’m interested in the return of Rosenbaum as Luthor, Lois and Clark’s wedding (which will be ruined, I assume), and, of course, what we’ve all been waiting for: Clark finally donning his Superman suit. (For which I’ve graciously volunteered my services as Welling’s “nipple double.” NO NEED FOR THANKS. Just wear eye protection.)
TUESDAY, MAY 10 8:00 FOX GLEE It’s prom time, and the kids wonder who will be king and queen (or drag queen and king). 10:00 MTV WORST. PROM. EVER. — Movie (2011) Three kids seek revenge on the prom dates who dumped them in this made-for-MTV movie.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11 8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL Only four more contestants! Our national nightmare is almost at an end! 9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY Phil and Claire change their “good cop/bad cop” roles to “not unfriendly cop and Bad Lieutenant.”
THURSDAY, MAY 12 8:00 NBC COMMUNITY Season finale! A paintball war inspires the study group to put less important things aside. (Seriously, do these guys ever study?) 9:00 NBC THE OFFICE They’re the four words no one EVER wants to hear: “Dwight … Schrute … acting … manager.”
FRIDAY, MAY 13 8:00 CW SMALLVILLE Series finale! Lex Luthor drops by to “congratulate” Clark on his wedding, and challenge him to a “nipple-off.” 10:00 DSC SWAMP BROTHERS Debut! In this reality show, hillbilly swamp brothers wrassle gators, snakes and (sooooooweeeee!) each other.
SATURDAY, MAY 14 11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Hosted by Ed “The Office” Helms and musical grandmaster Paul Simon.
SUNDAY, MAY 15 8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND Season finale! The final eight compete to see if anyone in America still gives a crap. (Spoiler alert: WE DON’T.) 10:00 AMC THE KILLING Sarah and Holder gather new evidence while screwing over the FBI (#win/win).
MONDAY, MAY 16 8:00 NBC CHUCK Season finale! Chuck and Sarah’s wedding is endangered by an evil mastermind, and the fact that they shouldn’t be getting married. 9:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL Season finale! Guest starring “Gossip Girl” author Cecily von Ziegesar — in case you think you couldn’t care less. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey steve@portlandmercury.com