The Epistle December 13th, 2013
Staff
Editor-in-chief
Danielle Williamson
Layout Editor Zoë Donalson
Copy Editor Ellis Nobles
Staff Reporters Gabe Coleman Morgan Eiland Kendall Ann Bailey
Advisor
Leigh Terrell
Inside
It’s more than love. It’s bromance.
Ho, ho, ho: The Epistle’s guide to having a very merry Christmas
Jayden Phalsh, Peyton Spires and Andrew Wing, Justin Way and Gabe Coleman (and more): The Epistle investigates the great bromances of St. Paul’s. p.19
“It was so exciting when they
called my name in the ceremony. “
Bea Tisher elected Chief Justice, p. 18
“After seeing Gravity, I don’t want to go anywhere in space.” All I want for Christmas is a trip to Mars, p. 8 and 9 1
Carol from the Editor Dearest readers, A carol for you, because I lack shame: (to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”) The St. Paul’s student Is a jolly happy soul With Epistle in hand and a big ol’ grin And an attitude made o’ win The St. Paul’s student Has gray clouds coming his way For this time each year Those darn exams appear And try to ruin his day It’s a shame something so tragic Casts a shadow over Christmas break For when those exams are doled out Our hearts begin to quake Oh, St. Paul’s student, Don’t let the testing get you down As the seniors say: “Go laugh and play! And wipe off that dumb frown!” Slackity slack slack, slackity slack slack What is studying? Slackity slack slack, slackity slack slack Knowledge muddying! The St. Paul’s seniors Know the time is coming fast When they’ll board a train, or a car or plane And shout: “Who cares? I passed!” Off to college With the world soon in their grasp They’ll go here and there And all around Earth fair 2 | The Epistle | December 2013
Sayin’ “Catch us if you can” We’ll leave you here, but have no fear For high school ain’t so bad And departing from friends and foes Will kind of make you sad So St. Paul’s student Don’t hurry on your way The good, the great, you’ll appreciate When you look back on them someday! Sincerely,
Danielle Williamson Editor-in-Chief
From left to right: Journalism Fairy Morgan Eiland, Ellis Nobles, Zoe Donalson, Danielle Williamson, Gabe Coleman, and Kendall Ann Bailey.
Table of Contents
|4-5|Unwords |6|Movie reviews by Morgan |7|All Around Campus |8|Christmas Recipes |9|Winter Break Reads |10|Five Ways to Give Back |11 |Christmas Jams |12|Gabe’s Gift Poll .|13|A Coal Story |14|Mars/Whoopee |15|The Naughty List |16-17|A Modest Proposal |18-19|Tisher Elected Chief Justice/ Bromance 3
Unwords by Gabe Coleman
Do you ever feel like the English language needs some change? Something ridiculous and entertaining to get your synapses flowing? Here are just a few of the many unwords that the human brain can come up with.
Hollymonger (n.) A person who forcibly insists that others participate in festivities and/or holiday activities. My hollymonger of a cousin forced a wreath upon me at our Christmas family gathering.
Cheedle (n.) The cheesy residue left on one’s fingers after eating cheesy chips She always licks the cheedle off of her fingers.
Iconoblast (v.) To punctuate one’s instant message with an excess of icons. My friend inconoblasted his way in our text conversation. Jampage (v.) The screaming and dancing rampage one goes on when they jam or stub a body part on a household object. After stubbing my toe twice in a row, I went on a mindless jampage across my house.
Malbingophobia (n.) The fear among some bingo players that they have incorrectly marked a square, and thus calling “bingo” could cause them not victory, but public humiliation. My grandmother has an advanced case of malbingophobia since the incident in ‘99. Quat (v.) Past tense of the verb quit. After I missed the mat pole vaulting, I quat the team. 4 | The Epistle | December 2013
Kharmageddon (n.) When one is paid immediately for all the bad things one has done in one’s life. The pretentious celebrity was hit hard with kharmageddon when his concert was destroyed by an angry mob. Crubbers (n.) Eraser shavings My math test was covered in crubbers after I realized I did the problem wrong. Deathimation (n.) The quality of moving in a dead manner; imparting death into an otherwise vivacious, lively object; the undead. The students exhibited deathimation after their second exam.
Losery (adj.) Having the characteristics of a loser. (adj.) Decidedly not a winner. (adj.) Deserving of merciless ridicule. After the game UMS was deep in losery. Beveragitation (n.) The disturbing feeling of loss and bewilderment one experiences when looking into an empty cup or mug that they were sure contained at least another mouthful I experienced awful beveragitation drinking my last can of Coca-Cola in the fridge. Air Biscuit (n.) To flatulate in a concentrated form I can’t believe you just floated an air biscuit in this car while the windows were closed! Nonversation: (n.) A conversation between two or more people of absolutely no value, such as a discussion of the weather. The nonversation with my crush ended with awkward silence. Oldfolkals (n.pl.) The eyeglasses one needs when they can no longer see anything more than ten feet away, or their arms appear to have shrunk too much to hold the newspaper at a reasonable reading distance. Ever since my dad reached 65, he has needed oldfolkals for practically everything.
Pajangle (n.) Condition of waking up with one’s pajamas turned completely backwards After sleeping for 12 hours straight, I woke up disoriented and in a pajangle. Peanut Butterbulance (n.) Any uncontrollable urge to dive into the smooth surface of a freshly opened jar of peanut butter. I barely had enough willpower to control my peanut butterbulance after buying a jar at Wal-Mart. Redonculous (adj.) being completely ridiculous After finished exams, the students waltzed out of the classrooms in a redonculous manner. Shoegating (v.) Walking behind someone at a distance too close for comfort, much like tailgating in a car. My friend attempted to shoegate me trying to step on my shoe heels. Tile Comet (n.) Any streamer of toilet paper attached to a person’s heel as they emerge from a restroom. As he emerged from the bathroom, we made a wish as his tile comet flashed across the floor. Turcreation (v.) The process by which thanksgiving turkey leftovers multiply in the refrigerator to a seemingly infinite quantity. After Thanksgiving, our refrigerated turcreated to redonculous amounts.
Untruthitude (n.) A boldfaced lie. When he didn’t do his homework, he showed real untruthitude when he showed his teacher a random homework assignment. Vegeludes (n.) Individual peas or kernels of corn that you end up chasing all over the plate. I spent at least five minutes hunting down two vegeludes on my plate.
Mattricide (n.) The act of removing the “do not remove” tag on a mattress, thus somehow rendering the mattress invalid. I didn’t realize that I had committed mattricide until I tried to sell my mattress on the internet and accidentally committed a felon.
Elecelleration (n.) The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. My friend’s incessant clicking of the Voluntold elevator buttons is a direct result of (v.) When one has been volunteered elecelleration. for something by another person. Often against their wishes or deChbreeze sires. (n.) A cool breeze I was voluntold to read at chapel. I didn’t need a jacket until a chbreeze started up. Wondracide (n.) The act of murdering a piece of bread with a knife and cold butter. After my grandmother put the butter in the refrigerator, she proceeded to commit wondracide and basically vaporized the bread. Zipjig (v.) To dance around in the event that someone points a rubber band with intent to shoot. She whipped out her rubber band gun and I zipjigged across the field in an attempt to dodge the flying missiles. Femail (n.) Nagging mail or email reminders. I was getting really annoying femails from my online calendar.
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Movie Reviews by Morgan “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal” It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right?? Of course! Christmas time is here, and if you’re like me, you love watching Christmas movies to get you into that holiday spirit. I have chosen a few spirit risers for all of you Christmas freaks, and even you Grinches. You know who you are. So, while you are home during Christmas break, take a day for a holiday movie marathon. Pick from these down below!!
by Morgan Eiland A Charlie Brown Christmas
(1965) Ever heard of the Charlie Brown Christmas tree? This movie will be a major throwback to your childhood memories and even your parents’ childhood memories as well.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
This is one of my all time favorite Christmas movies. Jim Carrey plays the oh so grumpy Grinch, who is trying to steal Christmas from the whole town of Whoville. imdb.com
Home Alone (1990)
Ever want to spend Christmas alone? Kevin McAllister did, and he absolutely loved it. imdb.com
Die Hard (1988)
Because the best way to spend the holidays is by watching young Bruce Willis jump off buildings and blow things up in a muscle tee. wikipedia.com
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) A Christmas Story (1983)
“Ralphie, you’ll shoot your eye out!” All little Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red Rider BB gun, but his parents think otherwise.
Polar Express (2004) White Christmas (1954)
Starring Bing Crosby, this romantic holiday movie is about two war buddies who meet a couple of sisters with their own musical act. 6 | The Epistle | December 2013
Tom Hanks stars in this animated movie about a boy who never truly believed in the meaning of Christmas.
Chevy Chase stars in the hilarious, corrupt family vacation movie when the entire family from both families decide to spend Christmas at the Griswold household.
Elf (2003)
Who wouldn’t want to see a grown man walking around in Time Square thinking that he is an elf? Buddy the Elf leaves the North Pole in search of his real father after figuring out that he was adopted and is not a real elf.
All around campus interviews conducted by Morgan Eiland and Danielle Williamson
Ashley Brewer: “Chuck Bass, because Blair doesn’t deserve him.”
John Williamson: “Taylor Swift, because she would write a break up song about me.”
Lee Tonsmiere: “Will Slaton, because we both love kitty cats.”
Mrs. Jones: “My husband!”
Lauren Everett: “Ian Somerhalder, because he is so HAWT.”
If you had to meet Patton Bryars: “Kate Upton, because she’s awesome.”
Jonathan Arbour: “I think I’d just put Molly and Harper underneath instead.”
Bizzie Bailey: “Michael because he’s my boyfriend.”
anybody under
Taylor Larsen: “My boyfriend...”
the mistletoe,
who would it be and why?
Klaudia Larson: “Um, Frank D’Alonzo: Ryan Gosling. Duh.” “My darling Hallie, but of course.”
John Hendren: “Ann Kathrin because of her Germanic beauty.”
Kakki Knott and Madelyn Claire Lott: “One Direction. All of them.”
Mikayla : “Oh! Magic Mike— what’s his name— Channing Tatum!” 7
Christmas Recipes by Gabe Coleman
You may or may not have heard insane stories about my family. It seems as if I learn something new about them every day. For instance, I didn’t know my dad was married to someone before my mom until I found an old picture in my grandmother’s garage of him and some random lady getting married. My great-grandmother actually had a monkey named Henry which froze outside after she had a little too much to drink. When my parents were sailing in the Caribbean, they somehow were tricked by apes: as they were distracted by one ape, another stole their lunches. That’s just scratching the surface of my family stories. Another thing I recently discovered is that my family got the bright idea to make a cookbook with each person having their own section. Here are just 4 recipes from down south Louisiana.
Shrimp dip
(3) 8 oz. packages cream cheese 1/2 cup half and half cream 1 medium white onion - grated Juice of 1/2 lemon 1 teaspoon worcestershire 6 cans medium shrimp, deveined, wetpacked Red pepper to taste 1. Mix all ingredients together.
Egg Nog
4 eggs 1 cup whipping cream (35% fat)
1. Separate egg whites from egg yolks 2. Beat egg yolks. 3. Beat whites with a pinch of cream of tarter and a little powdered sugar until stiff 4. Mix and add milk as needed.
Soft Gingerbread 1 cup sugar 1 cup molasses 1 egg 1/2 cup of butter or shortening 1 cup boiling water 2 teaspoons of soda 3 cups Gold Chain flour 2 teaspoons ginger
1. Mix dry ingredients together 2. Add molasses and egg 3. Add hot water 4. Bake in a moderate oven 8 | The Epistle | December 2013
Creamy Dreamy Fun Fudge
4 quart sauce pan 2 sticks of butter 3/4 cups unsweetened cocoa 1 cup evaporated milk 2 lbs (9 1/2 cups) of powdered sugar sifted 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 teaspoons vanilla 1 cup chop pecans Pam
1. In a 4 quart sauce pan, melt butter. 2. Stir in cocoa and mix well 3. Add evaporated milk 4. Gradually add powdered sugar and salt; blend until smooth and creamy 5. Stir in vanilla 6. Spread in 13x9x2 pan that has been sprayed with Pam. 7. Refrigerate until firm or freeze for about 20 minutes Makes 72 pieces
Winter Break Reads by Ellis Nobles
Need some good books to read over the Christmas holidays? You’re in luck! I’ve got some great recommendations that will keep your vacation exciting.
The Secret Order of the Gumm Street Girls
by Elise Primavera Ivy, Franny, Pru, and Cat aren’t anything alike and don’t initially get along. But when the four team up to find out about some mysterious ruby slippers, they run into a strange woman named Mzzzz Cha-Cha Staccato who throws them into a bizarre adventure filled with spuds, wet car rides, and nasty green twins. Though this book is intended for a younger audience, readers of all ages can appreciate the friendship, originality, and humor of Gumm Street Girls.
Struts & Frets
by Jon Skovron Sammy’s life consists of his band, its bully of a frontman, his crumbling family, and his best friend, Jen5. But his grandfather’s going off the deep end, his best friend is turning into his girlfriend, and the lead singer of his band is finally becoming too hot to handle. And all he wants to do is find out where he really belongs. This book is hilarious and heartbreaking and everything in between.
Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt
by Crickett Rumley Off-beat Jane Ventouras is finally returning to her hometown of
Bienville, Alabama after years of boarding school madness. At first, she gives no thought to competing in the prestigious Magnolia Maid Pageant, but soon she finds herself wrapped up in the event. Jane makes new friends and reunites with companions from years past and grows in ways she never thought she would. The setting of this hilarious novel is based off of Mobile.
Night Watch
by Sergei Lukyanenko The “Others,” a race of humans who have sworn allegiance to either the Light or the Dark, have kept a stalemate for three thousand years. During the day, creatures of the Dark employed in the Day Watch keep track of daytime activity; at night, Night Watch operatives of the Light keep watch over nighttime activity. In modern-day Moscow, Anton Gorodetsky is a Night Watch agent who stumbles upon the prophesized “supreme Other” who will tip the scales of Light and Dark—and it soon becomes clear that the fate of the world could be in his hands. Originally written in Russian, this international bestseller is complex, original, and dry.
The Night Circus
by Erin Morgenstern Celia and Marco are two magicians who have been trained expressly to battle one another in a game set up by their magical mentors—and only one can come out alive. But when the two fall hopelessly in love, the high stakes of the game are changed, and now no one—not
the pair, nor their teachers—is safe from the disastrous consequences.
Wicked
by Gregory Maguire Almost everyone has heard of the blockbuster musical that hit Broadway in 2003, but not everyone knows about the book that provided its inspiration. In Gregory Maguire’s modern classic, the “wickedness” of the Wicked Witch of the West is questioned. Who was she, really? Didn’t she ever have a family? A lover? A best friend? Beware that the book is extremely different from its theatrical adaptation; it is darker, drier, and more depressing, and it will leave a lingering mark on your heart.
Worldshaker
by Richard Harland Col Porpentine is the next in line for Commander of the great juggernaut Worldshaker. All his life he has lived in a protective bubble, never knowing much about the less privileged and never wanting to… that is, until he meets Riff. Riff is a Filthy, a person who lives in works in the soot-filled, steamy Bottom Deck. Col had always been told Filthies weren’t real people, but Riff begs to differ, with her sharp tongue, warm eyes, and strong personality. Soon Col is questioning his whole life—and facilitating a revolt that could change everything he has ever known. This vibrantly written steampunk novel tells a story about history gone wrong and a friendship spanning a city-sized juggernaut. 9
Have yourself a
Saintly Christmas 5 ways to give back by Kendall Ann Bailey
Christmas is almost here, guys. Here at St. Paul’s, we are very blessed to have the means to celebrate that holy day. Others outside the “Spring Hill Bubble” may not have the same privileges afforded to us. That is why the Epistle has decided to suggest that students should spread the Christmas cheer with these great service ideas.
1. Wilmer Hall Christmas Wish List
If you visit the Wilmer Hall website you will find this under the Wish List tab. Be a good a saint and please donate any of these objects on the list.
2. Toys For Tots
Not only can you donate toys at this organization, you can also volunteer to help! You can donate to many different places and at mobile-al.toysfortots.org.
3. McKemie Place
Donate to this battered women shelter, please! A list of needed materials is found on mckemieplace.org.
4. Bay Area Food Bank
Not everyone has enough food for Christmas dinner. Donating food does not stop after the canned food drive. Please donate anything else you can find. Their website is bayareafoodbank.org.
5. Philippines Relief Effort
Typhoon Haiyan made its initial landfall in Guiuan, Eastern Samar on November 7, 2013, with wind speeds of 145 mph. The damage that the typhoon caused has been tremendous. 10,000 people are feared dead in the city of Tacloban alone. Another 800,000 people have had to flee their homes. In total, close to 10 million in 41 provinces have been affected by the disaster. It does not matter what you donate, just donate anything. Please help the Philipines!
10 | The Epistle | December 2013
Christmas Jams
by Morgan Eiland One of the best ways to kick in the holiday season, for me, is to listen to Christmas songs. Over and over again. It’s just my favorite! There is nothing better than listening to “Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree” while decorating your house with holiday décor. I have chosen a few “merry” Christmas songs to get everybody in the Holiday spirit. “Holly Jolly Christmas” (2011) – Michael Bublé “Little Drummer Boy” (1977) – David Bowie and Bing Crosby “Dominick the Donkey” (1960) – Lou Monte “Little Saint Nick” (1963) – The Beach Boys “Santa Baby” (1987) – Madonna “All I Want for Christmas is You” (1994) – Mariah Carey “Sleigh Ride” (1950) –Leroy Anderson “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” (1963)
– Darlene Love “Cold December Night” (2011) – Michael Bublé “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” (1971) – John Lennon and Yoko Ono “White Christmas” (1948) – Frank Sinatra “Blue Christmas” (1957) – Elvis Presley “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” (1984) – Band Aid “Christmas Lights” (2010) – Coldplay “Please Come Home for Christmas” (1978)
– Eagles “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” (2010) – Glee Cast “Oh, Holy Night” (2002) – Josh Groban “Last Christmas” (1984) – Wham! “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (1975) – Bruce Springsteen “Silent Night” (2011) – Michael Bublé “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (1958) – Brenda Lee
Reindeer Substitutes by Zoe Donalson
Up on the housetop reindeer pause, and now they’re lying down to take a break. Even Santa’s reindeer need reprieves—after all, they do trek around the world pulling a magical sleigh with their magical flying powers every year. Here’s what Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen have nominated (Rudolph’s already snoozing) as this year’s reindeer representatives:
1. Huskies
2. Blue-footed boobies
duskyswondersite.com
3. Blob fishes
4. Convicts
npr.org
***there are only four nominations because the reindeer can Images courtesy of albumart. only count to four, homage to their four toes***
doctormacro.com
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gabe coleman’s gift poll
A Saint’s Christmas List
This Christmas, I took a poll of various girls, boys and faculty members: What do you want most for Christmas? Very interesting results were pulled and made me question the thought processes of our everyday students. 12 boys wanted rubber ducks, and others wanted actual human beings like Sam Hicks and Vanessa Williams. I couldn’t place samurai swords, eagles, or a three-legged dog into
12 | The Epistle | December 2013
a set category, so into the miscellaneous category they went. The girls were pretty stereotypical; most wanting money, iPhones, and clothes, but once in a while, some wanted human beings. Three girls wanted Black Chaffe, one flatteringly enough wanted me, and another wanted Ryan Gosling which is, frankly, old. The faculty members wanted a lot of intangible gifts such as time with family,
beautiful weather, good health, and world peace. Mr. Helmsing graciously allowed me to quote on his wish for Christmas: “Besides the usual – world peace, the end to hunger, et cetera – I would really like to have a pony. I have been asking for one since I was five years old, and I am hoping one day it will come true.”
a coal story by Zoë Donalson publicbroadcasting. net
Once upon a time, when all should have been quiet, a little coal sputtered: “It’s stuffy in here.” He was trapped in an arid sack walled by maroon velvet. Way, way above, there was a closed oval opening lined by a white ring of fluff. Curious, it was. But what was even more curious was the loud crunching and munching sounds accompanied by exaggerated slurping of what the coal assumed to be liquid. Then he averted his attention back to his predicament. However will I survive, he thought, if I cannot breathe any air? “It’s stuffy in he–” the little coal started again, before his sentence was cut. “Hush now, little coal,” soothed a lukewarm voice. “When the sun rises, it will be all right.” The coal remembered the voice. It belonged to the gloved hand that plopped him into the wretched confinement. He was puzzled by the cryptic nonsense the voice had spewed, and he winced as the cinched hole above grew larger. Flashing lights of red and green bedazzled him. “Mr. Claus, it’s too bright!” The little coal whined, feeling overwhelmed by the harsh display. The light show then disappeared. Behind a gleaming rim of glass, the coal saw a large eyeball. “Quiet, you,” Santa gruffly whispered, as he wiped cookie crumbs from his pulpy lips.
“Christmas morning will arrive, and you will be free of this stocking. I don’t want to hear any more peeps from you, understood?” The little coal puffed and pooted soot in response. “Fine,” came his indignant reply, “But I–” Again, he was cut off. Santa closed the stocking for the last time. “Best of wishes, little coal, and remember that morning will come. Have a Merry Christmas,” sounded his muffled reassurance. Footsteps were loud, but they began to fade within a few seconds. Jingle bells chimed, and a faint “ho, ho, ho!” echoed. The coal sniffled. Great, I’m alone. And I still can’t breathe… For a moment, he remained sad, but then he recalled Santa’s words, “… morning will come. Have a Merry Christmas.” Christmas! By jolly, how could I forget? The coal thought to himself. As his mind shifted from self-pity to excitement, being in the stocking wasn’t so bad. He was, after all, a gift. His holiday spirit was uplifted, and if he could, he would have smiled a huge grin. What merriment I’ll bring! With that thought, the coal cozied himself up in his soot. The air was thinner and stuffiness was gone; he settled, content, and waited for the morn to come. christmas morning... “STOCKING!!!!” shrilled an enthused cry. It’s come at last. The coal was alert and tentative now. To best represent himself, he shook off loose ash from overnight. He was ready to be received. The lid to the
stocking opened, and light filtered in. He looked up to see golden locks framing chubby rubicund cheeks. Miniature lashes were sparse along the child’s eyelid. She’s a little cherubim, the coal thought. So beautiful and angelic. Then the pupils surrounded by blue irises contracted, the little girl’s eyebrows arched downwards, and the chub around her face scrunched up; she resembled a baby mandrake and screamed.
wikispaces. net
“MOMMY, DADDY— WHAT—IS—THIS!?” She stomped and puckered her lips petulantly. Her face is very red, and she is very excited. She must really love me. Thank you, Santa Claus, for putting me in this stocking, the coal hummed. I’m the best Christmas gift ever, and I think I’ll be the best in history.
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All I want for Christmas is a trip to Mars by Morgan Eiland
Are you a sucker for adventure and traveling to exotic places? Have you always wanted to be an astronaut but never had the grades? If you answered, “Yes,” “Maybe,” or, “Why would you ask me this question?” well a trip to Mars is the trip for you! The Mars-One Foundation is taking people from all around the world to Mars in 2013. There, the people will live normal day-to-day lives as they would on Earth. But, here’s the catch. When you sign up for this once in a lifetime trip, there is no guarantee that you will return to Earth. Scary, right? I’m sure some of you Epistle readers, though, are completely on board. Let me tell you a little more about this trip to the Red Planet. When you arrive on Mars, you
will enter in a bubble. That’s right, a bubble. The reason for this is because we humans are not physically capable of breathing on Mars. Duh. So, if any of you guys are contemplating whether or not to take this adrenaline pumping trip, just remember. YOU WILL LIVE IN A BUBBLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Now, I’m not trying to be biased or anything, because I’m sure visiting Mars would be amazing. But living there for the rest of your life, which (I’m sure will not be that long since you are “I would go. I went to space camp twice.” moving to a planet that’s not fit -- Mrs. Stuart for human life) does not sound your parents this Christmas if you too intriguing to me. However, it’s can go on the Mars-One trip to your decision. I challenge all of Mars. See what they say. you people out there who want to take this life-threatening trip to ask
whoopee, christmas! by Zoë Donalson We’re told not to be naughty, and we’re told to be nice. Puh-duh pbbbt, joke’s on them.
Why be nice when one can be naughty with fartical (pun on farcical) gags? A lie-in-wait Whoopee cushion may not be appreciated by your victim when it lets loose, but it’s Christmas—gifts all around! Many people want hippopotamuses, Miley Cyrus-edition wrecking balls, and iPods (what?). They forget about old-fashioned joke gifts, though, and that really deflates the Whoopee’s faith in fart humor. 14 | The Epistle | December 2013
This Christmas, let’s be resolute to the Whoopee’s cause. Let’s go out to stores or shop online for Whoopees while sitting on our lazy bums. Let’s inflate the whoopee cushion and set it in a chair. Let’s watch as a friend or family member’s posterior end descends upon the cushion, slowmotion permitted.
Most importantly, LET’S LAUGH AT THE DETONATOR’S BAREFACED DISBELIEF AND HUMILIATION! Fall out of your chair, roll on the floor laughing, or keep a straight face and laugh internally until your face turns red—either way, take full advantage of the comic flatulence, and don’t let an ounce of expelled “gas” go to waste.
The naughty list
Nine people who deserve coal in their stockings 1. Mrs. Terrell
This English 12 teacher, yearbook sponsor, and journalism advisor had the nerve to get pregnant and have a due date that is in the middle of the spring. Thus, she will be abandoning her students to the mercy of a substitute while she “delivers her baby.” Worthy excuse? Let’s just say Frank Jr. better be cute.
2. Miley Cyrus
In addition to butchering “We Can’t Stop” (the song was originally supposed to be sung by Rihanna, who, we can all agree, would have sung it way better), Miley has assaulted the eyes of young people around the world with her aggressive twerking. While the case can be argued that any person who turned their TV to the VMAs was asking to be visually assaulted, it is undeniable that Miley swings on a wrecking ball forged of coal.
by Danielle Williamson 5. The Common App
Here’s a piece of advice: casually crashing while millions of high school seniors are trying to meet cut throat deadlines is not okay. We don’t care if your server has been overloaded with our requests. Buy a bigger server. Contrary to what Laura Hampton Green and Rachel McCaslin will tell you, college applications are not fun. They’re even less fun when you have to wait a solid 10 minutes for each page to load.
4. Obama
See above. THANKS, OBAMA.
7. Freshmen
You heard me. Contrary to popular belief, doing your best imitation of a tortoise while walking through the hallway will not make you the most popular class in the high school. “Hanging out” by your lockers is not a fun pastime. It is actually direct evidence of the devil’s presence in each and every one of you. Exorcise your demons: walk faster.
8. The creators of “What Does the Fox Say”
Anna Braswell and Lizzie Castillo are included under this fiendish umbrella for being directly responsible for getting it stuck in the heads of 50% of the student population at St. Paul’s. Maybe we don’t care what the fox says. Maybe the fox should just shut up already.
3. Congress
C’mon, Congress. Government shut down? For two weeks? You’ve got to be kidding us. Do you know how much you wrecked seniors’ stock projects? We could have been imaginary millionaires if you hadn’t messed with the market. If that isn’t bad enough, we have to write a whole other paragraph explaining why our stocks tanked. You had one job…
a large man in a red suit transforms a good idea into a quick case of frostbite.
9. Candy Crush Saga
6. Mrs. Holbrook and Mr. Goff
While your attempts at simulating a “winter wonderland” by dropping the temperatures of your room to subzero degrees were noble in intent, the lack of snow, elves, and
Fact: usage of Candy Crush Saga is associated with a 5% drop in class averages. Fact: 98% of users of Candy Crush Saga become addicted after the first level. Fact: side-effects of Candy Crush Saga include fatigue, thumb twitching, and wide-eyes. Fact: You are going to keep playing Candy Crush Saga anyway.
15
a modest proposal
The Psychology class proposes that school start later Psychology students at St. Paul’s are staying up late to write proposals for a later school day. The proposals all have the goal of proving why the school administration should push the beginning of school from 7:45 to 9 o’clock. Students’ opinions regarding how the changes should be implemented to accommodate the late beginning differ. Some suggestions included: school ending an hour later, half days on Wednesday and Saturday, classes being 30 minutes, and shorter breaks throughout the school year. Starting school later will allow students to gain more sleep and rest their brains. Students will be more aware in their morning classes. Currently, students become bored with classes after about 30-35 minutes and therefore decide to give up. The decision to slack off sets them behind for the next day and this pattern continues until they are completely lost. The Epistle asked students their opinions on school starting at 9.
by Kendall Ann Bailey
Allie Frederick: “Our brains would get the right amount of sleep.”
John David Jernigan: “I think school should start earlier.”
Hunter Robinson: “That would be cool.”
Madison Mace and Mallory Messer: “Yeah, that sounds cool.” John Hendren: “That would be (cool). I could concentrate more.”
Meredith Brewer and Konner Wilkes: “Our lives would be less stressful, which is great.” Jacob Taylor: “I want the schedule to stay the same.”
16 | The Epistle | December 2013
Lillie Hedberg: “That would be awesome.”
Lauren Everett: “I <3 sleep…more sleep equals a happy person.”
Conner Denton: “I guess. I don’t know.”
Celeste Jones: “That would be good.” Shelley Spires: “No, I want more breaks from school.”
Noah Langan: “I would be well rested.”
Chelsea: “That’s the most greatest idea.” Siobahn Johnson: “I wouldn’t like that. I already have a routine.”
Ashley Brewer: “That would be the BEST IDEA.”
Andie Goodwin: “That’s pretty good.” Mrs. Stuart: “That would literally improve life.” Lee Tonsmeire: “I <3 the idea!” Jazmyne Jackson: “I’m down.” 17
Bea Bear calls order Recently, junior Bea Tisher was elected Chief Justice of the Alabama YMCA Youth Judicial Youth in Government Program. The Epistle sat down with her and played rapid fire questioning.
The Epistle: Are you pumped to
be Chief Justice? Bea Tisher: Yes! I was so nervous the whole weekend about the election, especially after they announced the run-off! It was so exciting when they called my name in the ceremony. My hands were still shaking as I swore in. TE: Who was your favorite judge? BT: Nancy Gracen was one of my favorites this year. She actually was asked to go to the National Conference this summer to judge and she gave my introduction speech. TE: Who was your bailiff? BT: Caroline Craft was my bailiff. She and I both had to attend officer training before the conference to learn about trial procedure and the case itself. TE: Did you get “#turnt up” at the dance? BT: No, sadly. I was way too tired from judging and campaigning to get “turnt up” that night. Also, the voting was going on at that time so I was kind of nervous about that. TE: Who was your favorite witness and why? BT: I had one witness that wore suspenders and a bowtie and spoke in a really southern accent. He was hilarious but at the same time really professional. TE: Did you appreciate the support 18 | The Epistle | December 2013
by Kendall Ann Bailey
that the SPS teams showed you during the election? BT: I loved it! Everyone was so encouraging and really made an effort to put my name out there. They chanted my name anytime I got up to speak, when someone mentioned my name and even when they just saw me in the courthouse. It actually caught on with other students at the conference so when they announced that I won the entire crowd was chanting. TE: What was the funniest thing that happened over the weekend? BT: Well…Each judge and bailiff have a button under their desk that calls the police. Caroline and I were setting up the courtroom one day before everyone else arrived to the courthouse and I accidently hit the button… The federal marshal came to my courtroom and a bunch of cop cars swarmed the courthouse! TE: Do you like cats or dogs more? BT: Dogs! Definitely! I honestly can’t stand cats. TE: What is the airspeed velocity of a swallow carrying a coconut? BT: Purple. TE: Who would win in a fight? Jessica Knezha or Katie Steadman? BT: Katie Steadman would win that in a matter of seconds. TE: If you had a unicorn, what would be its name? BT: Hmm… Ronald! TE: Who do you think is the hottest actor today? BT: Channing Tatum will always be my number one. TE: What is your favorite class? BT: I love my show choir class.
We always have so much fun even though we don’t do much most days. TE: Will you get a juris doctorate? BT: It’s definitely something I have been considering. I think I’m heading in that direction. TE: Should everyone refer to you as Chief Justice Tisher from now on? BT: Haha! I would laugh if they did! A lot of people at the conference just kept calling me “Your Honor” even outside the courtroom. TE: How good is your selfie game? BT: I have to admit, I really don’t like selfies. I think it’s because every time I leave my phone somewhere people take hundreds on selfies on it! TE: What is the most recent song you listened to? BT I’ve started to hear Kary Perry’s song Unconditionally a lot lately and I really like it. Bea will serve as Chief Justice at the Youth Legislature conference this spring and Youth Judicial Conference next fall.
It’s Bromance by Ellis Nobles
The high school has spoken! Here, you will find examples of the most celebrated friendships at St. Paul’s. Students were asked to vote for their favorite bromance in their grade, and these are the winners!
Freshmen Peyton Spires and Andrew Wing Peyton: “He’s a complete bro and we like to hunt together.” Andrew and Peyton have been friends since prekindergarten.
1st
Sophomores 1st
Will Daniels and Henry Mann Henry: “[Will is] my dawg.” The pair has apparently been friends since “day 1,” according to Henry.
2nd
2nd Gabe Coleman and Justin Way Justin: “I don’t know how anyone could turn down a guy like Gabe with that fluff and bowl cut.” Gabe: “I have this really weird track record with short people.” Gabe and Justin have been friends since the summer before 4th grade.
Edward Gaal and Dobbson Vickers Edward: “[Dobbson] truly is a ball of sunshine sent from heaven.” The two have known each other forever.
Juniors 1st
Benton Weinacker and Mills Smith Mills: “We’ve been neighbors forever.” Benton: “He’s the reacher, and I’m the settler.” The two have been friends for as long as their peers can remember. They are often mistaken for the same person.
Seniors
1st
2nd William Kelly and Bailey Castle William: “I knew he was a Kate right when I laid eyes on him.” Bailey: “He’s the best dude Kate ever.” Known each other since fourth grade. Been the Kate’s since 9th grade. Favorite saying: “THE KATESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!”
Jay Walsh and Hayden Pharr Hayden: “He’s the only guy I know that listens to trap music more than I do.” Jay and Hayden really hit it off halfway through first semester junior year, and are known collectively as “Jayden Phalsh.”
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Take a break from exams with a puzzle!
Merry Christmas! 20 | The Epistle | December 2013
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