Envision Magazine, issue #11

C H R I S T I A N

C O L L E G I AT E

N AT I O N A L

A W A R D - W I N N I N G

M A G A Z I N E

I S S U E 11 2019

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WORLD CHANGER

PORN IS NOT INTIMACY

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IT’S BECAUSE I’M BLACK

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TABLE OF

Letters To Tyler

05

Does This Dress Make Me Look Holy?

06

Humans Of Adventism

10

Does What I Wear Make You Uncomfortable?

14

Does Saying God Make It Godly?

19

Why I logged Off Social Media

22

Becoming A TEDx World Changer

26

Am I Gay?

30

Get Out Of The Classroom

33

My Parents Don’t Get It

37

It’s Because I’m Black

40

Porn Is Not Intimacy

44

To The Guy and Girl Who Are Just Friends

49

COVER ILLISTRATION BY SARAH DUVIVIER

PHOTO BY JÉSSICA FELÍCIO

CONTENTS

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EDITOR’S PAGE

ISSUE 11, 2019 Produced by the Department of Visual Art, Communication and Design at Andrews University EDITOR Heather Thompson Day HeatherTDay

HeatherThompsonDay

WRITERS Mel Burdick

MaikleKheios

PHOTO: OLIVIA WOODARD

Seth Day

W

hen my friend’s dad died unexpectedly she called me, because there is no app for that.

I didn’t know what to say. One second her life was spinning and then suddenly it stopped. I whispered “I’m sorry,” and immediately cried. I didn’t know her dad well, but I knew her, and so I broke when she did.

When my best friend had twins, I stayed with her for days. I cooked her family dinners and took her daughter to the park. That’s what happens when we have relationships with real people; we show up for them in real life.

In the age of social media, it can be tempting to fake relationships.

It can be tempting to post photos that fake intimacy, or fulfillment, or success. Everything we don’t like about our lives, we put filters on, and it’s tempting to create spaces where things look pretty.

You don’t need to be a social influencer to know that you have influence. We all have influence wherever we have relationships.

We have the power to make each other feel seen.

I am worried that the more visible we become online, the more invisible we all feel off. We can’t be more present in manufactured lives, than we are in our real ones.

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Technology should enhance relationships, not replace them.

At some point we started using filters, and now everything about us is photoshopped.

Let’s use social media to create community that spills into our real lives.

Let’s be honest about the jobs that didn’t call us back.

Let’s raise children who don’t think they need likes to be liked. Let’s commit to building relationships instead of followers because numbers don’t answer the phone at 2am.

We are wired to need real relationships with real people because this is real life and life is hard.

My goal for Envision Magazine, is to highlight authentic stories, that create real life conversations for young people within our churches and communities.

Because we can download a sermon, but we can’t download a relationship, and I envision a world where conversation matters.

Because there will never be an app for that.

Jacques Delhove Kaleb Eisele Anna Gayle

kalebeisele

annaalexxandraa

Aimee Regester Jeremy Roberson

anna.alexandraa

gorgeous2god J_Roberson_

Danya Wilson

DESIGN EDITOR Diane Myers DESIGNERS Martha Brandt Hannah Cheung

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in/dimicoram

Sarah Duvivier

rarediamondzz

sarah-duvivier

Merari Gonzalez

mgraphicas

Merari Gonzalez

Kylie Kajiura

kyliekajiura

Brianna Kittleson Zach Owen

kittleson_designs

zachowen_graphicdesign Alain Pichot

Juliana Smith Olivia Woodard

Zach Owen

pichotstudio

juliana_mignon oliviawoodart

jumy_xo Olivia Woodard

PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Dave Sherwin PHOTOGRAPHERS Andrew Burrill

J.D.BURRILL

Dominique Cornwall

AuntieDomo

by.DomoGraphics Sierra Crook Shiekainah Decano

shiekainahphotography

www.shiekainah.com Jessica Felecio Autumn Goodman Ryan Griffin Kelly Lorenz

jeka_fe visualsbyaut

griffinryan98

kelly.lorenz, www.kmlorenz.com

Madai Villa-Coppiano Olivia Woodard

oliviawoodart

Olivia Woodard

MODELS Gabrielle Bianco, Keith Bullard, Elah Nicolas, Nathan Patterson, Kiama Miracle Richardson, Courtney Saunders, Juliana Smith, Aaron Swena, Carlos Tavárez SPECIAL THANKS Doug Taylor Marc Ullom

Heather Thompson Day EDITOR

Jroberson_

@danyavln

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STORY BY SETH DAY PHOTO BY KELLY LORENZ

N

ovember 18, 2004 is the day that my older brother, by 16 months, died from cancer. It was the first time that the pronouncement in Genesis burst through my everyday life. It ripped through the seams of my once immortal existence. I was seventeen years old. I was too young to come face to face with the meaning of God’s words, “For dust you are, And to dust you shall return.”

When my wife and I started dating she encouraged me to start writing letters to my brother during a variety of different life moments. And so Letters to Tyler began.

When we had a good date and I wanted someone to tell, I sat down and I wrote Tyler. When we got married, when we had our daughter, our son, when I had a good day or a bad day, whenever a cool breeze brought me a memory, I wrote. Here is the first letter I have left him, after he left me.

Dear Tyler,

February 25, 2011

It has been six years since you passed away and at unannounced moments the sting of your death becomes so alive and vivid. It’s as if someone grabbed your death by the horns and shakes it viciously in front of my face in an attempt to bring color to the already black and white memories of you that linger in my mind.

Tyler, today was one of those moments. It was a profound moment in my life as I came to the realization that the wound from your death will never completely heal.

I recently visited home and walked past your picture hanging in the hallway. I stood there speechless, being lured in by the portrait of you casting a confident smile as you stared back at me as if to say, ‘I am a warrior who has earned his seat in the game of life.’

Your strong poise screams victory. You fought through cancer three times previously and endured painful surgeries, chemo, and radiation. You were my hero, triumphing in every battle you ever fought leaving that enemy powerless over you.

The scars concealed on your back testified of your valor better than any pen ever could. Tyler, you truly were a magnificent warrior to watch, few could ever fill the shoes you wore as you rode with your head held high into every fight, claiming the victory in the end. What more could be said of you and your commitment to your precious family by not giving up when the odds were stacked against you? You were the bravest man I ever met. Many days I would come home frustrated with life until my mind was able to take hold of reality again by allowing your struggles to better measure the insignificance of my own. You were invincible to me. A guide revealing that hardship chooses its victims without cause and reason, or at least it might appear that way.

It’s hard to think that cancer was still lying deep within your cells waiting to strike once more. This time being much more aggressive in its war craft, taking swift blows to your nervous system and vital organs leaving you defenseless as it crept in and stole your heartbeat. You were so frail in that final moment before you drifted into a deep sleep that will only be awakened by your heavenly Fathers voice.

I now understand it will not be until Jesus returns and I am reunited with you once more that I will find complete shelter from the storm of your sickness and eventual death. I must press forward anyway, doing everything in my power to not be overtaken by the enormity of the wound that’s been left. I must constantly seek resources that will aid me till the second coming, which is why I am starting these letters to you Tyler. Unleashing my emotions on paper allows each letter to act as some form of temporary refuge until Jesus calms the storm for good. I’m hoping this will get me through.

As I gazed into those blue eyes hanging in the hallway in your photo, I’m confronted with a new revelation. That we’re all frail and no one is exempt from affliction. Even the strongest warriors are subject to death. For those of us that are still fighting, the final outcome hasn’t been determined. Will we choose to have a faith like yours holding firm to the hand of God before our earthly journey ends, knowing that we will live once more? That our reason for existing in the first place was to bring glory and honor to God even if it means being faithful to Him through death? Or will we die in fear, all the while trying to grapple the purpose of life?

Your death, has left me changed, certainly for the worse, and yet somehow for the better. You have exemplified the picture of a Christian warrior Tyler, and behind you I will march into battle, following your example.

Till We Meet Again, Seth

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Does thi

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is dress make me look

HOLY? H STORY BY HEATHER THOMPSON DAY PHOTO BY OLIVIA WOODARD DESIGN BY SARAH DUVIVIER

A

bout a month ago a group of construction workers started screaming inappropriate comments to me as I was walking into my office. I pretended I didn’t hear them. The more I walked the angrier I got. I am a 31-year-old Professor of Communication. Why did I feel an instinctive need to normalize their behavior when I literally lecture on how females are trained to systematically mute themselves in order to not disrupt male patriarchy? I have every tool at my disposal that should prepare me to confront this parking lot loser, and yet instead I walked briskly passed them pretending I had a phone call. It took me about 6 minutes to decide I had time for this. I introduced myself as Dr. Day to their foreman, and made sure he was aware that this was a University campus, with young women perhaps more vulnerable than I, who may like to walk to their classes without being harassed.

This is the world we live in and it doesn’t matter how educated you are, how old you are, or how many kids you have, a woman will experience sexual harassment just for being a woman. Oh and by the way, #churchtoo.

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A friend of mine preached recently. She’s young, and vibrant and has an incredibly gentle spirit. She wants to be a pastor and I think she’ll make a great one.

After her message many of the church members asked her to come back. She stayed for potluck at their insistence and before leaving she ran back to the sanctuary to collect her things. A man followed her, and proceeded to tell her that not only could she not be a pastor because of her gender, but also that she was dressed indecently. Her dress was long and modest, but it didn’t have sleeves. This man didn’t think that she looked holy enough apparently to minister to his congregation, and instructed her not to come back unless she was dressed appropriately. She was mortified, and through tears, apologized for her dress.

When she called me and told me what happened, I was seething. In my early twenties I too thought I should be a pastor. I took a couple semesters worth of coursework at the seminary before deciding I wasn’t saved enough to survive church ministry as a woman. Now, I do have female friends who are sharp,

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#CHURCHTOO

"The problem probably isn't my dress, or hers..."

and educated, and tactful, and who handle situations like this with grace and poise, and I thank GOD for their work. But for myself, as a married woman, and mother of 3, when men feel the need to comment on my dress after a sermon, I feel the need to remind them of the work God is clearly still trying to do in them.

If a female’s arms are so sexualized in your mind, that you can’t listen to her share the gospel without getting hot and bothered, could we perhaps pause and reassess whose problem this is? I am all for the “stumbling block” concept, but let’s be reasonable. A man who would follow a 22-year-old girl INSIDE THE SANCTUARY after she just poured her heart into a sermon, should have every elder laying hands on him trying to get that demonic spirit out. How much porn have you watched that you can’t sit in church and hear the gospel without thinking about sex? The problem probably isn’t my dress, or hers, it’s your browser and I think we are allowing our churches to be unsafe places for women if we don’t call out this misogynistic behavior.

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Studies show that when men see women, AND when women see women, we see a mismatch of body parts. Rather than see a whole person, our first instincts are to see breasts, legs, hair, thighs, eyes, and butts. We compartmentalize women based on their bodies and it’s disturbing. Scientists have found that 96% of the medias sexual imagery is of women’s bodies. Objectification is rampant in our sex obsessed culture, and our churches are no different.

Objectification is when we train ourselves to see men as people who have sex, and women as people who have sex done to them. Pornography has a huge hand in how this all has happened. With the introduction of pornography we have completely found ourselves in a culture where men are sexual subjects, and women are sexual objects. This type of thinking leads us to live in a world where men have power, and women do not. Men get jobs often based on how they think, while women still have to read articles that reference the importance of how they look, even in the workplace. 80% of our political offices are held by men. Men are in power in virtually every industry in the world, despite the fact that there are more female workers.

This type of cultural paradigm has brought us to social media, where girls are taught to self-objectify. The only problem is that when we treat ourselves as objects, we lose our humanness. Studies have found that when girls self-objectify it lowers self-esteem, it lowers cognitive skills, it creates sexual dysfunction in relationships, it destroys body image. It is interesting because we post photos of ourselves in order to feel pretty and valued, and yet we lower our self-esteem. For goodness sakes the average woman monitors her body every 30 seconds and no that was not a typo!

My dress isn’t what makes me holy and you can say the name of God without knowing Him. We need women in ministry because 1 in 3 children today are growing up without dads, and so for many people, the female voice may be the only one they can feel safe trusting. I want our church leadership to challenge any men who would make their pews uncomfortable for female speakers and listeners. Jesus Himself made a whip, and drove the bad guys out of His house. If we want to rebuild the church, and stop the mass exodus of young people, we need men and women who are willing to fight for the vulnerable and bring darkness to light. Please remember, when you objectify the female body, you are revealing your own spiritual nakedness. The gospel can help all of us, but not if we aren’t honest about how much we need it.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

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humans of STORY BY KALEB EISELE PHOTOS BY OLIVIA WOODARD AND AUTUMN GOODMAN DESIGN BY OLIVIA WOODARD

It didn’t start with money. Really, it didn’t start with much at all. Just a few young people with regular jobs, cell phones, and a heart for the people.

At 25 years old I sat in a work truck as I waited on my heaters to do their job. I’d just graduated with an English degree, checked into some dismal options in my area, and finally resigned myself to working for a pest control company to stave off my growing pile of bills. It was a weird job choice. Every morning I was tasked with driving to some remote city in South Carolina, setting up a bunch of heaters used to eliminate bed bugs, and then, really, just a lot of waiting around while someone’s house got hot enough to take care of the problem. I think that’s what made me take this job- the hours in-between setup and take-down where I could do some freelance writing and social media management.

It was from that work truck that I first sent out a mass email to every influential pastor and Adventist leader I could think of with an idea- what about a “Humans of Adventism” page?

Fast forward to October, 2018. I am still sitting in the same truck, working the same job, but you wouldn’t know that from taking a look online. Humans of Adventism exploded on us.

In just over a year, we had amassed over 4,000 followers on Facebook. People all over the country were popping up wearing shirts we designed.

Influential pastors were posting pictures in them on Instagram, and I stood before the Society of Adventist Communicators at the NAD teaching

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people how to use storytelling in their online ministries. I’ve been turning down offers to speak at events because there’s just no way I can take the vacation time. And God worked all that out using only a cell phone.

There have been plenty of obstacles along the way. You could even say we exist because of some of them. Specifically, I believe that there are a few ways in which communication has broken down in the Adventist church. We have a hard time with productive conversations and relationships with people who practice Adventism differently than we do. Even further, there’s a major disconnect between most Adventist churches I’ve attended and people who aren’t Adventist.

That’s what I want to help change.

Humans of Adventism is a collection of stories from people who share my faith, and in a way it’s also one big story about the Adventist movement. It’s one thing to read our opinions online or to argue about them over lunch, but it’s quite another to hear people’s personal experiences. Those experiences, those stories, mean something to other people, because they show our humanity. It’s something we all have in common.

My story matters because I’m the only person able to truly tell it. Your story, too. Collectively, our stories form this wide umbrella of faith that we call Adventism. Don’t be afraid to share your part of that, because this is how we can all change the world: one story at a time.

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“

Those experiences, those stories, mean something to other people, because they show our humanity. “ -Kaleb Eisele (HoA Founder)

Alessandra Pineda, Junior Internation Business

Alanya Hebert, Freshman Biology, Pre-Medicine

“My Christian walk was influenced by “Throughout my entire life I have been in Andrews as a whole. This institution Adventist education. I used to wonder how has provided me with so many different different it would be to attend public school. avenues to get to God. With vespers, impact, But I’m grateful that my parents enrolled Thursday chapels, random prayer groups, me in the schools that I attended, and I bible studies, sabbath schools and more. At believe they did that for a greater purpose. the place where we are in our lives right now, The Adventist school system made it easier there is so much room for growth and I’m for me to express my own beliefs and so lucky to come to an institution that gives spirituality from my home and church, and me ways to grow with God. That is what has it felt good to be in a place where it was truly influenced me in my walk with God.” common and I wasn’t the odd one out. I felt supported, not isolated. I definitely think Adventist education is worth it, especially at such a young age when you start forming your own idea of who you are and what you want to do with your life.”

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Josiah Everett, Sophomore Marketing “I believe my Christian walk has been helped by the church not hindered. It has been helped by the church I attend on Sabbath which is New Life Fellowsip here on Andrews Univeristy Campus. They have helped do that by the black cultural representaion which brings a sense of familiarty and community.”

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Does What I Wear Make You

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STORY BY DANYA WILSON PHOTO BY SHIEKAINAH DECANO DESIGN BY JULIANA SMITH

D

o you find yourself asking this question? Maybe

you phrase it another way – is this outfit appropriate for this interview? Can I wear this skirt to church? Are my pants too tight? Will I distract people in this? Despite the boldness, independence, and revolutionary voices of current generations, we still find ourselves caring about our looks based on societal expectations.

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Schools and businesses mandate dress ment expressed can only give a codes, cultural events require certain general idea of what the wearer regalia, and religious contexts have highintends to say. Onlookers ly enforced directives of what to wear. could describe an outfit as In some of these settings, the way one “bold” if its colors stand out dresses relates to a bigger picture. For among other outfits or “borexample, wearing the required dress code ing” if every single item and for a company means that the worker accessory has the same color, respects the business and complies with but to categorize an individual the policies. Concert musicians wear to a preconceived personality is all black to demonstrate unity and give dehumanizing. It is a heart problem more attention to the music rather than to not see people for who they are and themselves. But what about contexts in just for what they wear, especially if which humans have more freedom to they are in the setting where they have express their own uniqueness? Usually, the freedom to do so. Does that mean the knowledge of knowing proper attire we should just not care what people is based on where we go, what we are think when we dress? Absolutely not. doing, and who will be there. Satisfying When you prepare for your day these questions come with one major and look in the mirror, you see a reconcern: Appearances automatically flection of a human, a person. But the come with assumptions. For example, mirror cannot see your thoughts or your take Ariana Grande, a famous Ameriheart. You see yourself best and only you can singer, who gave tribute at Aretha can dress yourself with what you know Franklin’s funeral in August of 2018. to be right. And while we cannot control Her outfit caused quite the stir. Wearing what people think, if we are aware, we a black sleeveless dress that reached can avoid being a hindrance to our own halfway down her thighs, Grande stood expression. Let’s just say someone at out from other artists who stuck to the church does not like some pants or dress traditional wear of sleeves, stockings, and you love to wear. Unless there is a valid bottom length no shorter than the knees. reason for you not to wear it, like an Twitter commentators accused her of obvious stain, hole or exposure of a butt wearing a dress “too short for church” crack, the opinion shouldn’t stop you. Of by saying it was something worn for course, you wouldn’t wear the article of the club. The underlying theme of clothing every week, but if you intenthe comments criticized her lack tionally wear it to retaliate to the other of respect for the setting rather person, what does that say about you? than the outfit itself.

Don’t be petty. Learn to reflect the best The way one dresses makes a person you know yourself to be. statement, but others try to interDress is all about intentionality. If pret that statement in their own way. you only aim to uplift yourself, then Associating dress with a certain you’ll wear whatever you like in any profile seems to be inevitable. situation and cultivate a low-key inStatements like “I don’t want tolerance for others. If you constantly to look like a slut” or “you consider the opinions of those around dress gay” strengthen the you, then this daily worry might inhibit assumptions society places your self-esteem. You can still reflect upon certain outfits. But an your own heart and self while remainoutfit does not come with ing conscious and considerate of the words attached. The stateopinions of those around you.

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Does

Saying make it

Godly?

STORY BY JEREMY ROBERSON PHOTO BY MADAI VILLA-COPPIANO DESIGN BY MARTHA BRANDT

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t was 3pm on a Sunday evening and I am going through my usual routine of playing music and dancing around my house. On this day, I decided to take out my earphones and play a hip-hop song out loud so that the rest of my household could be graced by the greatness playing from my phone.

After the first 15 seconds of Kendrick Lamar’s song entitled “Momma”, I heard a loud shout from downstairs telling me to “turn that music off.” It is my dad, a pretty conservative Adventist who

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usually gets upset when I am playing something that isn’t directly glorifying God. He already knows that I don’t just listen to Christian music. I could have been playing Stevie Wonder or playing John Coltrane and I would’ve still heard that same yell from downstairs.

This experience of being shunned because you listen to other genres outside of Christian music is common with young people in the church. I have had multiple friends in the church with similar experiences go through this.

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If the main concern for more conservative Christians is that we shouldn’t be consuming secular entertainment, especially since it is not glorifying God, then why do these same people indulge in Comedy Shows, Rom Coms, Action movies like “The Avengers”, and detective series like Law & Order-- all of which do not glorify or mention God’s name once, unless its to take it in vain. Why then is it okay to entertain secular material, but someone who is listening to a little Kendrick Lamar is a bad individual?

I find this double standard of consuming secular entertainment really big in the Christian community. There are many other Christians I know that will shun me for listening to hip-hop music but at the same time dance to a secular song in a commercial. Chance The Rapper, who is a big Hip-Hop artist, mentions in one of his songs that he is a “Christian rapper.” He has collaborated with artists like Kirk Franklin and mentions God in quite a few of his songs.

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He has also done a rendition of the popular Christian contemporary song “How Great is our God”, but in many Christian’s eyes, he is still a secular artist because he curses in his songs and collaborates with secular artists like Kanye West, Mick Jenkins, and Saba. Is it right for Christians to shun Chance the Rapper because of this, even though he spreads positivity and advocates for harmony in his music and reaches groups of people that certain gospel/contemporary Christian artists couldn’t reach?

I believe that just because a form of entertainment does not directly mention God, does not mean that it is not glorifying God. I know that if the message is positive and inspires change for the better in this world, then can’t I sing along to it? Even though J. Cole’s song “Love Yourz” doesn’t mention God, I still believe God can be seen in the meaning of the message to find true happiness through your family and loved ones and not material possessions because that happiness fades quick. This is what my

parents don’t understand, and what many of my peers struggle to find balance on.

So as I replay “Momma” by Kendrick Lamar in my house, I do not feel bad, but rather at peace with myself as I continue dancing in my room.

It makes me feel upset and discouraged when I see the older generation dismiss hip-hop as soon as they hear a beat behind a song instead of actually giving it a chance and listening to what the artist has to say. The only way we can mend this gap between the older and younger generation is if we just listen and engage in open dialogue. We don’t have to agree with one another, but can we both express where we are coming from without attack? Listen to one another’s opinions and also listen to the music without dismissing after the first 5 seconds.

I do not have the answers, but there should be more discussion about what we can and can’t listen to as Christians. It’s not just black and white. We have to ask ourselves, does mentioning God’s name in a song make the song Godly?

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On September 4, 2018, at 6:59 pm, I tweeted “a break is necessary” and then I deleted the Twitter app from my phone.

It has been three months since I have been active on Twitter or Instagram (the only two social media platforms I use, and I don’t miss them). These days, when I am on my phone, I’m usually checking my email or reading the news.

When someone references a new meme or viral video and I say, “Oh, I haven’t seen that. I’m not on social media,” they look at me like I’m crazy. Everyone asks the same question: “Why?” This past summer, in a group chat on Instagram, one of my friends asked

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the question: “When is a good time for me to rebrand?” At first I thought she meant that she wanted to reinvent who she was in some way. But, as she talked about it more, I saw that her definition of “rebrand” only extended as far as her online presence, not to who she was in real life. She was concerned with maintaining and adjusting the optics of her life, available for viewing through her various social media accounts. My initial reaction was to question her sanity, but the more I thought about it, the

more I realized that her question was not as bizarre as it felt.

My first reaction to my friend was judgement; I was quick to assume that her desire to “rebrand” was unique to her, but over time I realized it wasn’t.

She was simply participating in, and perhaps articulating, what has become quite normal in social media culture.

Once I started thinking about this idea of rebranding, I became more aware of my behavior on social media.

First, I noticed small things, like

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the fact that I overanalyzed every single tweet, down to where punctuation was placed, before I hit send. Then, I began noticing bigger things, like the fact that I couldn’t seem to post anything on Instagram without first considering how many likes/views I would get based on the time of day I was posting and content (even down to what filters, or emojis I used). I noticed that I even took time to estimate how many likes I would receive based on who was featured in my posts. On top of this, I felt immense pressure to manipulate the way I shared my life in order to emulate other people’s posts (or lives).

Once I realized how I was using social media, I immediately disliked it.

It made me sick to think about how preoccupied I had become to the point that I spent more time thinking about how I could further my image, or brand, than I did actually posting content.

Instead of posting pictures or tweeting, I spent all my time scrolling—subconsciously evaluating and comparing myself to other people. Every time I opened Twitter or Instagram, my stomach turned. It felt like a chore to constantly curate my life for a platform, and I felt like I did not measure up to the other curated lives I saw online.

Recently, someone told me that their main motivation for being on social media is to try and become an influencer, and, outside of that, they do not see any real use for the sites that they are active on. Last year one of my friends told me that her goal was to become “Instagram story famous.” “I want to be the girl that gets thousands of views on her stories,” she said. Another one of my friends told me, “I want to be famous on Instagram so that people will

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send me free stuff.” Our generation has become obsessed with influence and the ways we can benefit from being popular on social media. The idea is that (with social media) anyone can make money, receive brand deals, and essentially impact the day-to-day decisions of others all from how you choose to present yourself. Maybe you (like me, reacting to my friend’s question about rebranding) balk at the idea of this presentation being a form of marketing, but I think that’s exactly what it is.

Older generations still berate the idea of the “selfie,” the ultimate symbol of an entire generation being completely self-absorbed, but what they don’t realize is that we have moved on from taking and posting pictures of ourselves to posting pictures other people take of us. I know people who literally pay photographers to take pictures of them after church just so they have content to post on their personal Instagram accounts.

These are regular people we’re talking about, college students who count some of their biggest achievements as the number of followers they have or the number of people who watch their Instagram stories.

Everything is a photoshoot, carefully planned and manipulated to maintain an image of you and your life that is not necessarily real or true.

I think it's easy to say that this behavior is only applicable to a select few,

Once I realized how I was using social media, I immediately disliked it.

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but to some extent this is how we all live. We carefully pick and choose what we will show in a way that will get us the most followers, “friends,” likes, or comments in a way that will not only purport the idea that we are important or influential enough to solicit our own personal photographers but also ensure that we stand out and that we are seen.

I think this behavior on social media has become increasingly normal. We can know the entirety of someone else’s day-to-day life simply because we watch their Instagram or Snapchat stories, and that is exactly the thing that those who intentionally and strategically seek to “brand” themselves on social media have fully realized and taken advantage of. We don’t know anybody’s whole life by following them on social media. We only know what they choose to show us, and we all wield enormous power in choosing not only what we show, but how we show it.

I have not been active on social media for three months. While I have frequently taken carefully planned breaks from social media before, this most recent log-off was not planned and it has no foreseen end. In the past, I would set a time frame for myself, whether it was a week, month, or two months. I always had a specific date in mind—the glorious day when I was “allowed” to re-download all my favorite social media apps onto my phone and log on.

Where I am in my life right now, I don’t consider social media a necessity or staple, and I don’t want it to be. That may change in the future, and I am not opposed to that change. I think social media has a lot of good to offer. I think

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it is a tool that, when used properly, has the ability to improve and expand the way we communicate.

My current break from social media has been less of a break and more of a reevaluation of the way I use the platforms I have access to and how my use affects me and others around me. I have posted a couple times on Twitter (mostly to promote my poetry club’s events), and every once in a while I check the Instagram pages of my friends who are studying abroad. I will even occasionally watch a Snapchat story (usually only when I know my sister has posted an embarrassing video of me), but overall, the way I use social media has fundamentally changed. I no longer spend hours scrolling, reading and viewing other people’s posts—their performative display of self and artificial connections. Now when I post things on social media, the little that I do, it is because I have something I genuinely want to share, not because I am anticipating a certain reaction, seeking approval, or to perpetuate a false image of myself.

So, in response to every crazy stare and “Why???” that I’ve received in the past three months: I logged off of social media because I did not feel like myself when I logged on. I felt like someone playing me. I felt like I had something to prove, like I had to prove that I was everything I claimed to be, and that whoever I claimed to be had to wield a certain amount of influence. I logged off of social media because, on social media, importance and relevance is not determined by your intelligence, confidence, creativity, humor, or attractiveness, but rather by your ability to maintain the appearance of those qualities. I spent so much time trying to prove that I was all those things through every overthought tweet and Instagram story that I stopped actually being them.

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STORY BY ANNA GAYLE PHOTO BY ROY HOMENCHUCK DESIGN BY BRIANNA KITTLESON

A

s a young person it can often feel like you are limited in your capabilities to be successful in the things you are passionate about, especially because of limitations in your environment.

It is easy to feel like the ability to do incredible and inspiring things, rooted in your passions and dreams, is impossible—or only possible after you have graduated from college, put in time at a certain job, or established yourself within certain communities. However, a simple scroll through social media can show you that you don’t have to

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wait to change the world—change can start right here and right now. There are many examples of people who, right now, despite their age or their circumstance, are pursuing their passions and harnessing them to change the world for the better. Wandile Mthiyane is one of those people.

Wandile Mthiyane is the founder of Ubuntu Design Group, an organization that, in his words, “gives dignity a home.” According to the business’ website, “Ubuntu Design Group exists to solve design problems for formal and informal communities (shanty-towns)

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around the world through innovation and an inclusive development approach.”

Ubuntu currently implements its mission by building homes for disadvantaged families in impoverished areas. In August of 2018, Ubuntu completed their first home for a family in the South African city of Durban, in partnership with the Andrews University’s Masters Architecture class.

‘Ubuntu,’ a Zulu word that means “I am because we are,” is driven by what Wandile calls “community led design.”

He seeks to build homes that build up communities, in addition to creating self-sustaining households.

Wandile is a recent graduate of Andrews University School of Architecture Master’s program, and he founded Ubuntu while he was still in school. His secret to actualizing his passions, even as a student, is having a personal attachment to the work that he does.

Having grown up in South Africa—in communities suffering

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from the negative effects of apartheid architecture—he has a passion for improving the living conditions for those in his community. “A lot of what people are living in are subhuman conditions due to apartheid architecture,” Wandile explains, “which pretty much forced a group of people out of their land and out of their homes to live in what you now see as shacks or shanty towns or primitive settlements.”

This separatist architecture of apartheid still contributes to devoiding an entire group of people of opportunity because of race—even though apartheid ended 24 years ago.

Wandile recalls the sense of community present in his neighborhood as a child, “We were living in a dilapidated shack, in a community where most of the houses were informal settlements... whenever a new neighbor came the community would come together and work together in building them

a shack.” It is clear that this sense of community is engrained in who he is. Even his stories from childhood tell of his passion for architecture and interdependence. “Since the houses were so small we didn’t really have a place to play house…We were forced to be resourceful and creative, and we built small little shacks right next to our parents’ shack. And that’s sort of what made my childhood: kids coming together to build these little shacks.” This sense of community that is rooted in where and how he grew up is now the foundation of his business.

“Ubuntu means community, it means people working together, it means interdependence as a path forward…” he says, “If apartheid architecture could segregate and oppress, then Ubuntu architecture, or community led design, can bring people together and enable opportunities for all.”

Wandile’s effort to affect change has reached not only his home community, but

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also his school’s. From the architecture’s self-proclaimed ambitious individual— Master’s class traveling to South Africa to these achievements have not come easily. be part of the construction of Ubuntu’s first The challenges of starting a business home, and the University being Ubuntu’s while in school (and now that he is first financial partner, Andrews University, out of school, maintaining a business) a small Christian school in Berrien Springs are significant. He recalls moments of MI, has been heavily involved in Wandile’s serious depression where he nearly lost journey. Wandile speaks very highly of the his motivation to pursue his dreams School of Architecture’s support for him altogether. However, Wandile says it is and his endeavors, “They’ve changed the the passion for what he does that keeps whole Master’s program, where now they him going. His recipe for success, even work on socially-inclined projects in one of in the face of failure, is a deep-seeded the student’s homes, because of what I did personal commitment to wanting to with Ubuntu. And that’s special, to have the change whatever it is that frustrates you. school change their curriculum because “If you don’t have a personal attachment... they see the impact of something you did.” you’re not going to be able to make it How is all this possible? How did through the lows.” one person go from simply being a Wandile is not only well versed in the student to being a young entrepreneur resilience it takes to rise from failure, he who influenced his university to change also understands the struggle many of us the direction of an entire program’s face in understanding our purpose and curriculum? According to Wandile, the God’s plan for our lives. “God only gives key to this kind of success is simply you a spotlight to your future—just the seeing something you want to change next step. And that’s hard and frustrating, and challenging it. but meaningful when you follow.” His Wandile repeatedly refers to this advice for young people who want to passion and desire to see change as change the world but don’t know where the driving force behind Ubuntu. In to start is this: “It all starts with something addition to the success in its business that you really think needs to be better in ventures, Ubuntu Design Group is the the world...it starts with pain, with you recipient of the 2017 Student Grand wanting to solve something to make it easy.”

Prize Charter Award. Wandile is an ambassador for One Young World and a fellow with the Resolution Project for Congratulations Wandile Mthiyane on the work he does with Ubuntu. However, being named one of the top 100 millennials Wandile admitted that even for him—a Changing the World by TEDxJohannesburg!

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PHOTO BY JÉSSICA FELÍCIO

God only gives you a spotlight to your future— just the next step. And that’s hard and frustrating, but meaningful when you follow.

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am i gay DESIGN BY OLIVIA WOODARD

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IF I’VE EXPERIMENTED/FOOLED AROUND WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX (OR THOUGHT ABOUT IT), DOES THAT MEAN I’M GAY? Being curious, longing for closeness, or even experimenting does not necessarily mean you’re gay! Some girls and young women are primarily attracted to guys. Some may be more attracted to girls — yet still end up dating or later marrying a guy. It’s absolutely okay to be unsure, and it’s wonderful that you asked your question rather than hide it. By asking, you will help other girls who may be wondering the same thing.

For some girls, being curious or experimenting is about desiring attention or affection from a friend they admire. This closeness may be a search for value, identity, or a sense of belonging. Such a girl may be seeking assurance to questions like “Am I accepted?” or “Am I beautiful?”

For other girls, they may experience same-gender attractions during sexual development. These desires could be temporary, or they could indicate that a girl is sexually oriented toward the same gender. Time will tell.

If you have experimented, you might be asking, “What kind of person am I?” “If I am gay, will my friends and family reject me?”

Or, “What does God think about me?” It is important that you not carry anxiety or urgency to figure it all out. It may take months or years to better understand your desires. Be patient and trust in God. For your journey ahead, here are three things we want to bring you assurance about: 1. YOU ARE ACCEPTED BY GOD. While we do not endorse any sexual intimacy outside of marriage, some girls — especially when they’re young — end up doing something with a friend or relative that they only later realize was a sexual act. They can feel very guilty about this. They don’t know who to tell, and so

they keep it hidden. But you are not alone! And you don’t have to keep it a secret. Start by telling God about it. He already knows, yet He still loves, accepts, and forgives you no matter what.

You can come to Him with anything.

2. YOUR IDENTITY IS IN CHRIST. Teen girls are discovering a lot about who they are. Due to rapidly changing hormones, many girls can’t understand their sexual orientation with confidence until their 20s! In the meantime, no one should pressure you to decide. You don’t need a label. Just know that God will love, accept, and care for you no matter what your friends say or do. If your friends keep asking about your sexual identity, you can say, “I just need space. I am not in a rush.” Every day, declare that your identity is who you are as a child of God. 3. YOU DESERVE SAFE SUPPORT. Sex is a gift — and a responsibility — that God has made. You will enjoy it best when you trust and obey what He says about it. Remember: if you’ve been sexually involved with someone, God forgives you. The guilt is washed away!

You are free to get back up and keep pursuing sexual holiness. To accomplish this, you will need support! Teens tend to talk with friends, but sometimes peers can gossip, tease, or even demand that you compromise on your morals to “prove” your sexuality. Think instead about sharing with a parent, pastor, or other trusted adult who can assure you of God’s love and help you further process your questions.

Sexual experimentation won’t ever answer the question, “Am I gay?” Rest instead in Jesus, for His amazing love offers you all the assurance you need about who you are as a young woman.

In Christ, we have certainty, assurance, belonging, AND confidence in our identity — not because of anything we do or don’t do, but because of His love for us.

YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR OWN QUESTIONS ON FAITH, DATING OR SEXUALITY AT GORGEOUS2GOD.ORG

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A VACATION WITH PURPOSE A MISSION TRIP A CARIBBEAN CRUISE A SPIRITUAL RETREAT A MEANINGFUL ADVENTURE

December 15–22, 2019 Setting sail from Ft. Lauderdale, FL Register by May 1 for discounted rate

cye.org/cwm

C STORY BY JACQUES DELHOVE

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PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANDREW BURRILL

DESIGN BY KYLIE KAJIURA

ollege degrees were once highly coveted, and a guarantee of a well-paying job.

Today, such documents are the bare expectation for most applications, and won’t cut it for any employer seeking an ideal employee.

Whether through the increasing availability of higher education, or the expectations of parents and employers everywhere, the value of a college degree has plummeted.

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millennial unemployment rate

national average

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To better prepare students for the reality of the job market, a shift in perception has to be made, and an enlightenment has to be reached. A college degree is not proof that you are skilled or talented, it is merely proof that you were given the opportunity to learn.

How then, does one prepare themselves for the incredibly large pool of graduates they will be competing against once they receive their hard-earned degrees? It is quite simple, really. We distinguish ourselves not through our talent or our skill, but our application of it. While employers always assume that a college graduate learned the theory behind a job in their chosen field, that is not a guarantee that they can successfully apply the theory in a competitive, high-stress environment.

No matter how well you study, how high your GPA is, or how many professors you impress, if you have nothing to show for all that hard work beyond a sentence on your resume that says “Bachelor of the Arts in [Field]”, were those years of stress and worry worth it? A full resume is the mark of someone ready to advance to bigger and brighter things. While all of us have different experiences, we should all strive to be our very best.

Measuring talent and skill is an incredibly difficult undertaking, and that is why many worthwhile careers are filled by recruiters who have become experts in recognizing those who truly have the drive and ability to do well

in the working world. As for yourself, the best way to determine whether you are ready to move on from being a student to an expert is to write up your resume, or even just brainstorm it. Are you having to increase font sizes and find innovative ways to word descriptions to ensure that it doesn’t look empty?

When summarizing your previous experiences and qualifications, are you lacking in relevant or applicable listings? Are you regretting all the nights spent binging Netflix originals or “just chilling” with your friends instead of expanding your professional network and tackling personal projects relevant to your field? These are questions many graduates have to face; hopefully you are facing them before your final year(s) in university.

As you expand your talent portfolio, remember that not all relevant experience comes from paid work. Volunteering your time for a worthwhile cause or organization indicates a passion and willingness to work, and is a fantastic way to get experience, even if the lack of financial compensation can often be frustrating. Above all, remember to use the right metrics for success. You should not be comparing yourself to your fellow students – they are not your competitors, nor should they be your greatest rivals. Those already accomplished in your field are the ones you should strive to beat, as they are the ones that have proven themselves successful.

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ELIEVE

IBLE

Digging deeper into real issues of Faith... www.ibelievebible.com iBelieveBible

@ibelievebible

The Voice of Adventist Millennials.

@thehaystacktv @thehaystack The Haystack

www.thehaystack.tv

STORY BY JAQUES DELHOVE PHOTO BY DOMINIQUE CORNWALL DESIGN BY ALAIN PICHOT

MY PARENTS JUST

DON’T GET IT I

n an age defined by an unprecedented availability of information, it is common for newer generations to feel as if their predecessors don’t understand their attachment to the internet.

Indeed, in most cases they don’t. The idea of a world where one can communicate

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with almost anyone at any time in an instant is an incredible thought, but such a reality is changing the way we interact with others, and older generations are wrestling with the disparity between the past and the present. In order to understand why they don’t understand “the

young’uns,” we need to understand them.

My parents grew up in an age of what I have taken to calling “enlightened disconnection.” Born in the mid 20th century, they were raised in a time when the world was growing both larger and smaller by the day. The globe had

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TIME TO REACH

50 MILLION

USERS:

RADIO = 38 YEARS TV = 13 YEARS INTERNET = 4 YEARS FACEBOOK = 100 MILLION UNDER 9 MONTHS been mapped, and people had invented methods of travel that allowed them to cross oceans in less than a day, leading to a greater awareness of the planet we live in. Telephones were beginning to spread, and suddenly they were able to talk to someone halfway across the world in an instant! As incredible as these changes were, they beg a question: who would they talk to? You have the capability to talk to anyone, but almost everyone you’ve ever met (and will meet, for a great deal of time) was within travel distance of you. They had no reason to call someone halfway across the world when everyone they would ever want or need to talk to was only a brief car ride away.

Therein lies the problem: our parents grew up in an age where the meaningful connections you made were with the people around you, and such relationships were forged through mutual activity. In the age of the Internet, however, we can forge relationships with people on the other side of the country or even the globe, and we form these based on our mutual interests. Even locally, we can forge meaningful and lasting relationships through a computer screen. Why should I drive the 30 minutes to Mike’s

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house when I can just call him on my phone right now, and we can both be perfectly comfortable in our own rooms?

There is still a great deal of debate about whether an Internet friend is truly a “friend,” but research in Computer Mediated Communication theories shows that meaningful relationships can be built through text and Skype.

Such a revelation affects not only our relationships, but also our professions.

We are no longer limited to whatever occupation(s) we can find nearby that pays the bills; with a modicum of ambition and drive, we can pursue our dreams on a scale our parents were never able to.

The time I spend on my computer talking to people allows me to forge relationships with people I would never have encountered had I been born even 10 years ago, and set myself up for success in projects more impactful than any my parents could have imagined. The Internet hasn’t just changed how we communicate, it has also changed who we communicate with, and that’s a concept that is still somewhat foreign to a majority of older parents.

No longer will our location determine the path of our lives, the only thing that limits us is our will.

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Education in your own time. www.adventistlearningcommunity.com

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I’M IT’S BECAUSE

STORY BY HEATHER THOMPSON DAY

BLACK

IN

high school I had a best guy friend who truly cared about me. When I failed my parking test he drove around all night stealing orange construction cones. He took me to an abandoned parking lot and set them up and tried to help me learn to parallel. On winter nights he would call and ask if I wanted to go drive around looking at Christmas lights. We told each other everything. We talked about our future and our pasts, we dreamed together, and we remained “best friends.”

At 17 years old I wasn’t comfortable enough to be honest with myself. I made excuses for him, and why he never wanted to move our relationship that was already so much more than friendship, to officially being more than friends.

I figured I wasn’t pretty enough, or maybe I knew him too well. I told people he was just scared. He wasn’t.

The truth was pretty obvious, but too painful for me to admit. He didn’t want to date me because I was Black. He was embarrassed. He worried that someone would harass him or maybe his parents wouldn’t approve. I learned at 17 years old, people can kiss Black girls and still be prejudiced, but I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it until I was 31.

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PHOTO BY KELLY LORENZ DESIGN BY MERARI GONZALEZ

I had a good friend in middle school. She had blond hair and blue eyes and was the star of every sports team she tried out for. We would talk on the phone and laugh. She knew my secrets and I knew hers. We had a plan to have our first slumber party.

I was so excited. We would listen to music and prank call guys we liked.

Her mom said she had to meet me first. As I walked up to the window of her minivan, I saw her eyes widen.

Our slumber party got cancelled.

She said it was because her parents didn’t know my parents, and at 12 I let myself believe that.

The truth however, was that my dad was Black, and her mom didn’t want her to stay the night with an interracial family. You can pick up your daughter’s friends after sport events, buy them ice cream, and still be prejudice. I knew that at 12. But I couldn’t accept it until I was 31.

I am reading a book with my students called White Awake; an Honest Look at What It Means to Be White by Daniel Hill. In it he talks about the normalization of White culture. Basically, we measure all other cultures against how acceptable they are to White culture. He talks about how his friend Jonathan, who happens to

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SKIN

MY

IS

be Filipino and a pastor, posted about how devastated he was after Trump won the November 2016 election.

Jonathan perceived Trump to be racist, and as most minorities, was shocked when Trump won with the support of 81 percent of White Christians. Another pastor friend, who happened to be White, wrote on Jonathan’s Facebook post. “I’ve never once thought of you as any different from me and nobody else will see you any different either” he said.

Hill, who himself is White, reflects on this exchange by saying, “his logic was likely formed at a subconscious level, but he was nonetheless basing his reassurance on Jonathan’s proximity to whiteness…” He translates his friends post to Jonathan in more direct language by saying, “Jonathan, there is nothing for you to be afraid of. When I see you, I don’t see a Filipino man. I see someone White, or at least acceptable to Whites.

I am confident that other White people will see you like this as well.”

When I read this my heart stopped.

Growing up biracial, I heard this type of assurance all the time. Well-meaning White friends would tell me that “they didn’t think of me as any different than them.” Which really meant “it’s okay Heather, you aren’t THAT Black,” which meant I was acceptable.

The funny thing is, I always felt okay being Black. Why was my Blackness something that you had to pretend you didn’t notice? What was so wrong with being Black? Other than the fact that it wasn’t White.

I had teachers who taught me that you can care about your students and still let racial prejudice influence your dealings with them. I had a track coach who taught me that Black women were simply too opinionated, that I needed to know my place. I knew church members who said that God loved everyone, but then vacated pews where Black families

would sit. You can be a Christian and still be a racist. I didn’t want to believe that when I was younger, but I have no choice but to believe it now.

I also had a White mother who told me my skin was beautiful. She said my curly hair didn’t need to be straightened. She encouraged me to keep speaking up, even when people told me to be quiet. She never told me she didn’t see that I was Black, she told me that being Black was part of what made me so beautiful.

I have a White best friend who gets mad when I don’t leave my hair natural.

She says that I don’t have to buy into society’s definition of what beauty is.

Her biggest fear is that her daughter will go to a school without diversity, and she doesn’t want her to grow up not valuing people who look different than she does.

I have a White husband who believes in Black leadership. He wants his children to embrace the heritage that they have come from. He wants his wife to live in a country where her experiences are validated. He wants to raise kids in a nation where Black athletes can kneel to protest injustice, and where White men and women can kneel beside them. He believes that immigrants work harder for less, and that Heaven will be filled with differences.

I refuse to rely on only one group of these experiences to define where America is when it comes to race in this country. I am lucky to have had rays of light, that chase back the clouds of darkness. Light always wins.

I feel honored and lucky that God saw fit to dress my earthly body in dark skin. I feel like I can love people harder and identify more easily with other marginalized groups in our society. I feel a deep sense of connection to anyone who identifies as “other,” in religious, sexual, and racial categories.

I can honestly say I want to be a voice for the voiceless...and it’s because I’m black.

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PORN IS NOT

INTIMACY STORY BY AIMEE REGESTER PHOTO BY RYAN GRIFFIN DESIGN BY ZACH OWEN

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ex is endlessly fascinating (can I get an amen?) and because it is the apex of human intimacy, it’s also a reflection of the intimacy that God, the bridegroom, wishes to have with his bride, the church! For that reason, I believe Satan is especially interested in twisting our view of sexuality!

Watching pornography is something that MANY girls struggle with, but don’t feel comfortable talking about, and therefore it stays hidden and taboo. We’re going to air it out today, which will help the readers of this article who NO DOUBT have wondered about this stuff.

I want to answer two questions: 1) Because watching porn in the past has shaped your view of sex, how can you reshape your view in order to prepare for

a Godly sexual marriage? And 2) What should you be careful of when you date?

First, let’s look for a quick second at what porn does to change a person’s sex life with their partner. Second, I’ll give some suggestions for what you might do to heal your heart in preparation for the best possible future relationship with your spouse!

Many people don’t realize this, but we’ve been studying the effects of porn on people and relationships for decades now. (We won’t discuss any other objections to porn or sex work due to the scope of this question!) Two highly respected researchers at the University of Alabama studied the effects of porn for over 30 years and found some results that would be quite damaging to

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OF YOUNG PEOPLE VIEW PORN WEEKLY

13–24 y/o

those who want healthy, monogamous partnerships. They found that viewing pornography makes many individuals less satisfied with their own partners’ physical appearance, sexual performance, sexual curiosity, and affection. Even those who view porn while single are effected because over time, many porn users values change and that they are less likely to value monogamy and marriage.

They are also more likely to change their attitudes about sex and become interested in sex acts that they previously would have found violent or repulsive.

Other research projects have similarly summarized studies, showing that porn consumers tend to be significantly less intimate with their partners, less satisfied with their love lives, more likely to cheat on their partners.

The evidence is overwhelming. Porn usage creates disconnected, dissatisfied lovers—the opposite of what God wants for his people. Crazy, right? Heavy stuff!

Your future love life is affected by the choices you (and your future significant other) are making now!

I wish I had known this in 2003. In 2003 I had just graduated college and was interested in a tall, dark handsome man.

As I got to know him better, I found out he was unashamed about his porn watching. Not wanting to be lame, I didn’t say

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anything. I wanted to be the ‘cool girl’— the one who encouraged openness and experimentation and wasn’t judgemental like a lot of the girls he knew. I made all sorts of excuses in my mind for him, but ultimately I wasn’t ok with it in my relationship—one of several reasons we didn’t date. While we never became “official,” we were close friends and I wished I had been able to protect his future love life. I cared about him, and still do! We were close enough then that if I had been able to calmly talk about these studies, I might have positively influenced him.

What can you do if you have already observed pornography? What if it wasn’t just once or twice but hundreds of times?

What if you have told yourself you don’t want to, but you keep doing it? And what if you have watched porn but want to repair the damage it may have done to your love life?

1

Have no fear or shame. The same God who worked miracles in the Bible is still in charge today, and He can give you the power over porn. The most important things to remember are that you’re not alone and that you’re not condemned.

Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Before there was sin, there was a Savior. Before there were captives, there was a deliverer.

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2

Stop playing. Don’t tempt yourself or watch/read other things that get you primed for porn. Even kissing scenes in a PG-13 movie can trigger a desire to see more. Steer clear! When you’re trying to eat healthy you don’t hang out near donut shops, and when you’re staying away from porn you don’t need triggers. This is serious stuff.

3

If you know this has been a weak area for you in the past and you want to protect your future, you’re going to need some accountability. Pornography basically trains your mind to use others for personal pleasure—so know that you may be prone to using people. Guardagainst those thoughts. Take every precautionary measure! Your future spouse is going to be so thankful! I would suggest the following:

• Be accountable to other godly people—a counselor, parent, or friend who can check in on you regularly • Give your parent or accountability partner a list of all e-mail accounts and passwords • Install Covenant Eyes or other similar software on your devices • Go to bed earlier and take care of your health (temptation often strikes when your frontal lobe is tired and weak) • Fill your free time with fun and productive activities like exercise and service projects

Finally, what are some things to look out for? What can you do now, in your dating and pre-engagement stage, to heal yourself and protect your heart for your future partner?

1

Be aware that this is a weak spot in your armor! Gather friends and supporters and commit to praying for strength and healing.

2

Be selective and only date people who are as committed to purity of body and mind as you are! There is no use getting invested in someone who is not all about a Godly sex life! You want the best. No need to settle. This doesn’t mean that your love interests are perfect, as we have all made mistakes, but that they have actively put measures in place to overcome their failures. If they are struggling with sexual sin of any kind, the time isn’t right for you to start a relationship. Let them show you that they are working on it and seeing some success before you consider a romantic relationship. As my friend Andrew Uyeyama says, “There are no small problems, just the seeds of big problems.” And if that person won’t work on this before dating you, there is little hope that he or she will address it later.

“PORNOGRAPHY BASICALLY TRAINS YOUR MIND TO USE OTHERS FOR PERSONAL PLEASURE”

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“WORK ON LETTING GOD RETEACH AND RECREATE HEALTHY VIEWS ON SEXUALITY!”

3

I know this might sound strange, but you’ve got to ask the porn question as soon as possible. This is a mature first/second date kind of topic.

The last guy I dated came up to visit me one weekend when I told him I wanted to get to know him better. We were talking about some semi-serious stuff and I asked “Do you believe porn is ok to use?” He said no. “When’s the last time you looked at porn?” He said that it had been about a year, and I stated my standard firmly, but sweetly. “I need to know where you’re at. Be honest with me no matter what. On a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the easiest, how difficult is it for you to avoid looking at any kind of nude or pornographic material?” He said a 3 or 4. I said that I couldn’t bear to date someone who looked at porn and he said that it wouldn’t be a problem, which gave me a lot of peace.

I also noticed that while we were dating he didn’t ever take his laptop into his guest room at night. (BTW, don’t fall into the trap of getting details on what kind of porn someone has seen or not seen. All porn is porn and even the discussion of it can be a trigger for arousal or argument. Just say no.)

4

Finally, work on letting God reteach and recreate healthy views on sexuality! I would say to make this the focus of your study and devotional time for at least several months. We are blessed to live in a time where there are HEAPS

upon heaps of resources about this topic.

Here are some to check out: • It’s not a religious site, but you must check out fightthenewdrug.org to get top-notch research about what porn does physically and psychologically.

• The book Beggar’s Daughter (Jessica Harris) is an honest look at the struggle through porn addiction that exposes some of Satan’s lies and ends with victory. It’s on Amazon.com and will begin to heal your heart!

• I haven’t reviewed this personally, but this study guide has been recommended for restoring purity after porn. https://restoringsexualpurity.org/ study-guide/ • The book Dirty Girls Come Clean has testimonies, tools and resources for understanding and overcoming porn addiction. It’s also on Amazon.com • Podcasts like pure sex radio (http:// www.puresexradio.com/) are helpful.

Though it seems to be geared a bit more toward men, it’s still really good and focuses on restored relationships.

• It’s deep, but I HIGHLY recommend Exploring Eccleciastes & Song Of Solomon by George Knight (the Song part), because of the profound love explained in the story, which is an example of God’s love for us. Wow, I love this book!

That’s all I’ve got for now. Best wishes as you continue to seek healing and peace.

FOR MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE, CHECK OUT GORGEOUSE2GOD.ORG 48 / ENVISION / ISSUE 11 / 2019

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GUY & GIRL

TO THE

WHO ARE ‘JUST FRIENDS’ STORY BY MEL BURDICK DESIGN BY ALAIN PICHOT

I’m going to unpack a touchy question related to dating:

CAN MEN AND WOMEN BE ‘JUST FRIENDS’?

My short answer? No. Longer answer: There’s this thing called ‘attraction,’ and everyone at some point experiences it in some form or another, most often physically. In a class I recently took called Interpersonal Communication, I learned that men tend to be more visual, and often report knowing within minutes of meeting a woman whether or not they’re interested in her. Women, on the other hand, are

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less likely to believe in love at first sight.

They are more likely to say that they developed feelings for their partner after they got to know them.

In the case of male-female friendships, studies have actually been done to find out exactly what each party thinks of the other. I found an article on Scientific American that references a study where 88 pairs of male-female

friends were brought into a lab setting and, in order to avoid messing up friendships, had both parties swear never to discuss with one another what happened within the study. They were each placed in separate rooms and asked what they thought of the other person.

Men in these relationships were often attracted to their female friends, and generally also believed (mistakenly)

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“

WHEN WE SELF-DISCLOSE PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND THOUGHTS WITH OTHERS, WE DEVELOP INTIMATE BONDS WITH THEM”

that their female friends were attracted to them.

Women in the same relationships were not nearly as often attracted to their male friends, and only rarely believed their male friends were attracted to them.

And women also tended to be oblivious to their male friends’ attraction.

In almost all cases, men assumed their attraction was mutual, and women assumed their lack of attraction was mutual.

Personally, I think men and women can be friends, I just don’t think you can be best friends without falling into attraction. I know of plenty of examples where straight men and women are ‘just friends,’ but when you become best friends, someone typically is hoping that the other person is interested in

them. The reason I believe this is because of intimacy. Intimacy is not sex, it is self-disclosure. When we self-disclose personal experiences and thoughts with others, we develop intimate bonds with them, regardless of whether or not you are having sex.

For a woman, it’s completely natural to share anything and everything about her life with her friends, male and female friends alike. Women base friendships on self-disclosure. But men don’t do that.

My communication textbook by Joseph DeVito says that while women build rapport, men report, which means they talk about what is happening in their real life right then. This doesn’t necessarily require self-disclosure, other than what is happening here and now.

When a man finds a girl he’s

interested in being with, suddenly she becomes a potential part of his future. He wants to share that with her, so he’ll start sharing the deeper parts of himself. That emotional intimacy is typical of ‘best friends,’ so women often misinterpret it as mere friendship. Men, however, know that it is special because they don’t do it with just anyone.

And believe it or not, studies show that a lot of men are just as scared of rejection as women, so when a woman just doesn’t get it, the men are too shy or worried to express their interest outright, falling into the limbo of ‘just friends.’

The next time someone says “we’re just friends,” ask if they’re really JUST friends, or are they best friends? ’Best friends’ requires intimacy, and intimacy, is how we fall in love.

At Envision, we envision a world where stories matter.

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