SEPT 2014 ALSO INSIDE: Creating a zen office
| Marvellous macs
A WONDERFUL APPORTUNITY Streamline your working day with these handy apps
|
Get your bake on
CONTENTS
SEPT2014 As we wave goodbye to the summer, there’s a fun-filled and action packed autumn to look forward to with all the work that brings. We’ve got a bumper issue of Ole to ease you into the cooler months. With the many jobs piling up in your to-do list, such as organising the Christmas party, there’s never been a better time to ease your daily toil with the latest apps. Practically Perfect PA’s Nicky Christmas shares her favourite apps in the first of a two-part series. But if more time spent staring at your work device sounds unappealing, why not check out our guide to creating a zen office. Elsewhere, we hear from The Saturdays’ Mollie and Una, showcase some seriously sexy macs and get our bake on with some incredibly cute cake accoutrements. Have a great month
NOTICE BOARD UPDATE Crazy selfies and the house price premier league SAY WHAT?! Off-colour jokes and broken promises
ON THE JOB JOB NEWS The latest career news of choice A GREAT APPORTUNITY Streamline your working day with these handy apps ZEN OFFICE Make yours into a den of tranquility 60 SECONDS WITH The Saturdays’ Mollie and Una
LUNCH BREAK BREAKTIME Catch up with the latest reviews and recipes
Editor George Carey
OFFICE CATWALK Return of the mac AND ONE MORE THING… The perils of a day between the sheets
editor
designer
publisher
designer/production
senior account manager
circulations
george.carey@intelligentmedia.co.uk
vicki.baloch@intelligentmedia.co.uk
matthew.moore@intelligentmedia.co.uk
account executive
krystle.davis@intelligentmedia.co.uk
sarah.chivers@intelligentmedia.co.uk
peter.hope-parry@intelligentmedia.co.uk
natalia.johnston@intelligentmedia.co.uk
CELEBRATING 75 YEARS
OF INNOVATION IN OFFICE PRODUCTS
StapLING 1939 Matador
1998 NEW Matador
2015 Optima 40 Compact
1945 Crystalfile® Classic Green
1992 Crystalfile® Extra
2010 Multifile Extra
1970 Versishred
2007 Mercury Jam Free
2014 Auto Feed Micro Cut
FILING
2014 marks Rexel’s 75th anniversary. From its inception, Rexel has been known for design, quality and innovation – from the 56 Range® of stapling products, the introduction of market leading Crystalfile® and Nyrex filing ranges, through to development of the awardwinning Auto Feed shredders.
George Drexler OBE, founder of Rexel
SHREDDING
For the last 75 years, Rexel has pioneered the world of office products, and looks forward to continuing to lead the way in the future. One thing is certain - no matter how technology develops, Rexel will be at the forefront; providing the finest, most efficient products to the trade and end users alike. 1939
To find out more please see our interactive leaflet on www.rexeleurope.com
1958
1986
1992
2007
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DEALING WITH DEPRESSION
Following the death of Robin Williams, MSN Wellbeing has taken a look at the symptoms of depression, and how to recognise and treat it. The tragic death of Robin Williams has put the issue in the spotlight. In the UK, one in four people will experience a mental health problem in the course of a year, with depression the most common type, so it’s worth knowing the warning signs and knowing how to approach people you’re concerned about. Depression, by its nature, is hard to diagnose. However, the World Health Organisation describes depression as “a common mental disorder, characterised by sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, feelings of tiredness, and poor concentration.” It can strike at any time, and affect anyone, so knowing the warning signs can be a big help. “Warning signs include not sleeping, loss of appetite, loss of enjoyment in activities that previously would have excited, irritability (particularly in men) negative thinking and thoughts which are dominated by hopelessness, worthlessness or guilt,” explains Dr Paul McLaren, consultant psychiatrist at the Priory Hospital Hayes Grove. If you’re concerned about a friend or think you may be suffering from depression yourself, there organisations that can offer help: • Mind - The UK’s largest mental health charity. • Sane - Another UK charity that helps people suffering from mental health problems • Rethink - A charity dealing with all type of mental health problems
CRAZY SELFIE PROJECT Two students from London are looking to take advantage of the selfie obsession by creating a website that aims to achieve 1,000,000 selfie uploads. The crazyselfieproject.com launched on the 1 August and hopes to become the world’s first website to amass this many selfies all on one page. As well as creating internet history, the site’s owners are looking to use the selfies as part of an art project celebrating the craze. Not much has been given away about the art venture but it involves both digital and physical forms of art. A counter at the top of the screen lets us all know how close the site is to reaching its main target. Every time the site reaches one of its milestones for the number of selfies uploaded, prizes are given away to users who post the craziest and most unique selfies. The first of these targets is 1,000 uploads, which shouldn’t take too long judging by how much we all love to take a selfie wherever we seem to be. According to Techinfographics, over a million selfies are taken each day, so if you want to get in on the project, you really don’t have much time. The site also works on mobile devices, so you can keep up with the its progress or even add your own face to the project while you’re on the move. Visitors to the site can also ‘like’ selfies.
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IN BRIEF SPURS WIN HOUSE PRICE PREMIER LEAGUE Research from Nationwide shows that if the Premier League was based on the percentage change in house prices between June 2013 and June 2014, Tottenham Hotspur would be champions, Chelsea, Queens Park Rangers and Arsenal would take the Champions League places, while Newcastle United, Burnley and Hull City would be relegated. In that time, house prices in Haringey, home of Spurs, have increased by 32%. However, Newcastle saw house price growth of 3 per cent, while Burnley was just two per cent. Hull City came last with no annual house price growth. If it was based solely on average house prices, it would be no surprise to see Chelsea and QPR as joint champions (average house price: £760,144), with Arsenal (£701,030) in third and Tottenham Hotspur (£513,435) dropping to fourth. Hull City (£130,289) and Burnley (£112,868) would stay relegated, Newcastle United (£181,473) would escape the relegation zone and be replaced by Stoke City (£133,831). Over the last 10 years, there are only three clubs where house prices in their local authority or borough have increased by more than 100%. Arsenal has seen the biggest increase with house prices in Islington increasing by 125%. Hammersmith & Fulham, home to both Stamford Bridge (Chelsea) and Loftus Road (QPR), has seen house prices rise by 110% over the past decade.
Mayor with a difference Residents of a Minnesota town have welcomed the landslide win of an unlikely candidate in their recent mayoral elections – a dog. Duke was named the new honorary mayor of Cormorant after beating all comers in a five-week election. Voters said he makes the community a safer place, even preventing cars from breaking the speed limit. Residents were thrilled with the announcement.
Not your average pet A man claims he has managed to tame a hornet, and can even take it for walks on a lead. Twitter user Mikuru625 has posted pictures of himself holding the giant Japanese hornet. He claims that after catching the famously aggressive insect, which kills 40 people on average every summer in Japan, he removed its sting and poison sacks, rendering it harmless.
We give you our pick of the top comedy viral videos this month. Click on the text below and enjoy. Tweet us your top videos @olemagazine
GONE VIRAL
The Pugs of Westeros
This boy can multitask
Hoverboards are finally here
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T A H W S AY
?
OFF-COLOUR JOKES
T R A I N TO G A I N
I’m new to the office and have become the target for all my boss’s jokes. He’s a nice guy and everyone likes him, but he constantly makes comments about my clothes and hair. At first I played along but now I’m becoming insecure. Is this harassment? Krystle, Truro
I’m not getting anything like the support or training at work that I was promised at interview. The company was keen to emphasise the courses it had sent employees on and the emphasis it placed on career development, but this hasn’t been evident since. What should I do? Tina, Manchester
Harassment is a form of discrimination, and can include verbal abuse, suggestive remarks and unwanted physical contact. According to the Citizens Advice Bureau, discrimination means treating someone worse than other people for some reason. You should ask your boss to stop making jokes and say that you will complain officially if he doesn’t. If things don’t improve, talk to a member of HR, as they will know the best course of action
It certainly seems like your employers have dropped the ball here, but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. The reason could be budget constraints or simply an oversight. A meeting or a well written email would be the best course of action. Rather than emphasising your disappointment, talk-up the enthusiasm that you have to do these courses and the value that you could add to the company with the new expertise they could provide.
caption competition
“
This month’s picture
Last month’s winner: Steve, Winchester
Oh, I thought you said: ‘Think inside the box’. ”
Win £50 worth of M&S vouchers! Email your captions to editor@olemagazine.co.uk
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on the job
JOB NEWS COMMON SEXIST SCENARIOS AT WORK of sexism in Highlighting the problem voice given to the workplace and the m Project, the it by the Everyday Sexis top 10 most Guardian has listed the arios reported common everyday scen to the site: etary 1 Mistaken for the secr lady 2 Mistaken for the tea girl' 3 Being called a 'good ation 4 Accused of menstru inion When voicing a firm op is 5 Being asked if ‘a man Available instead’ ed 6 Having an idea ignor a male Only to be repeated by later Colleague five minutes se To interest and applau re plans 7 Asked about childca nity risk’ 8 Considered a ‘mater y brain’ 9 Being accused of ‘bab hands. 10 Avoiding wandering
REAL WAGE SQUEEZE SET TO CONTINUE
CIPD has today released its quarte rly Labour Market Outlook (LMO) survey report of 1,000 employers, revealing that wage growth is expected to rem ain weak even though output is growin g strongly and the jobs market is buo yant. Official figures show that output per hour worked, the best measure of labour productivity, is still four per cent lower than its pre-recession level. Despite reports from various busine ss surveys hailing a rise in starting sal aries, figures from the CIPD’s Labour Ma rket Outlook reveal that only two per cen t of employers report a significant inc rease in starting salaries. This is because some business surveys are not pic king up the large number of employers who are not carrying out pay reviews or are implementing pay freezes. The CIP D’s survey shows that among those wo rkers who have enjoyed a pay rise this year, the median increase has fallen to two per cent this year from 2.5% in 201 3.
on the job
HOW YOU SHOULD REALLY DRESS FOR INTERVIEWS On Careerealsim.com, Marwan Jamal has some frank advice about how to dress for interviews in today’s job market. “There used to be a day when you were expected to dress business professional for your interviews. Well, times have changed, yet the expectations on how you dress have not. There is more leniency but most experts still suggest that you dress business casual at a minimum. But why? "Business culture is becoming more relaxed, and some people prefer a company that is more fun and open. Although 'dress for success' is a great tagline, it makes more sense to dress for the job that you want. “When I had an interview with Blizzard Entertainment for my MBA internship, luckily for me, my career advisor had connected me with a Blizzard employee who told me to dress casually. Blizzard is a gaming company and many employees go to work in t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. “So, my advice? Search for opportunities at companies that match your style and cultural needs and dress the part for jobs you want the most."
IS LONELINESS A PROBLEM AT WORK? HR Zone editor Jamie Lawrence has questioned workplace relationships, saying people aren't getting quality social contact. Four in 10 report having no close friends at work at all, according to a new survey of 5,000 people by relationship charity Relate. The study found a link between low self-esteem and poor work-life balance. It also found that one in three workers polled believe their employer considers those prepared to prioritise work over family as more productive. Among Generation Y workers, this rises to two-fifths. Ruth Sutherland, chief executive of Relate, said: “The results around how close we feel to others are very concerning. Relationships are the asset which can get us through good times and bad, and it is worrying to think that there are people who feel they have no one they can turn to during life’s challenges.”
S TAT AT TA C K
2.5%
The median increase for those receiving a payrise in 2013
on the job
THERE’S AN APP F O R T H AT
Tech savvy super PA and creator of Practically Perfect PA Nicky Christmas is a staunch believer in streamlining her working day with the use of apps. In the first of a two-part series, she reveals her favourite travel apps.
on the job
L
ike a lot of us these days I am glued to my iPhone and I have a lot of my life on my iPad. If I’m honest, I am really just lost without them (sometimes I am literally lost without them thanks to my dependence on Google maps to get me around!) I use my iPhone and iPad every day and I’ve found there are lots of fantastic apps that will really help assistants maximise their productivity. Assistants can also recommend all of the apps to their manager. Here are some of my favourite travel apps: FLIGHTTRACK: £2.99 OR £6.99 FOR PRO VERSION This app is slightly expensive but worth paying for if your manager travels a lot. The app tracks all flights using a zoomable map which allows you to see where exactly the plane is. The app also gives access to real-time departure information, delays and gate numbers. Another great feature is its information on cancellations and alternative flights. TRIPIT: FREE OR 0.69P This app allows you to enter all of your trip information including flight times, hotel reservations etc. and it produces a really helpful itinerary for you. Whenever you receive confirmation emails from any bookings you can forward it to plans@tripit.comand they will add the details to the itinerary. Although I still do print everything off this is a great app to have on your phone so you can check details on the go. Also you can share the plans with colleagues or family and friends either directly by email or through LinkedIn. WEATHERBUG: FREE This app is great for weather forecasts around the world and it does seem to be quite accurate. You can set it for your current location or receive alerts from places you are planning to travel to. XE CURRENCY: FREE OR £1.49 Convert every world currency on the go. I use the website all the time, not just for planning travel but also for expenses, so it is helpful having the app on my phone. WIKIHOOD: FREE OR £4.99 A useful app when travelling and it is handy for local information that can be added to your manager’s itinerary. There are dozens of free travel guide apps and I do think it is worthwhile adding them to your manager’s device while they are abroad.
SEAT GURU: FREE This is great if your manager is fussy with their airline seat! You can type the airline, the flight number and the date and the app will tell you which is the best seat on the plane. GATEGURU: FREE GateGuru Is like Trip Advisor for an airport. It is great if you have time to kill at the airport and want to know where to eat, where the shops are and other services like cash points. If your manager needs to pick up a souvenir for their kids this app will tell them (or you!) where exactly they need to go in the airport. GateGuru can also estimate how long you have to wait at TSA checkpoints and does provide flight status updates. TIPULATOR: 0.99P Tipping in restaurants around the world can be very confusing. So this app calculates what to tip and also splits the bill between everyone at the table. WIFI FINDER: FREE This app locates Wifi hotspots in your area and it works all over the world and gives you directions too! AIRLINE APPS: FREE If your manager travels on one airline frequently it is worth downloading their app. Most will have details on flight times, on-board entertainment, electronic ticketing and lots of other useful information. PACKING PRO: £1.99 This app is great for assistants that love writing lists! Pick a template based on the type of trip and then help your manager list everything they need for their business trip. This app will decrease the chance of your manager calling you to source a spare toothbrush in New York while you are in London! SMART LAYOVER: FREE The Smart Layover app details activities that you or your manager can do while waiting for a connecting flight, such as day-use hotels and landmarks that are close to the airport.
“I AM GLUED TO MY IPHONE AND I HAVE A LOT OF MY LIFE ON MY IPAD”
on the job
BRINGING ZEN INTO THE WORKPLACE
on the job
With the amount of tension that can build up in a busy office, it’s no wonder that companies are starting to get creative with their de-stressing strategies. Check out these novel ideas and see if you can get your company interested…
T
here is no escaping the fact that work can be stressful - according to government statistics 40% of all work-related illnesses are due to stress. Even if you’re lucky enough to work in your dream job, complete with killer salary, there will always be the odd day when you would rather walk over hot coals than spend another second at your desk. Quite simply, work wouldn’t be called work if it was supposed to be wall-to-wall fun and was guaranteed to be stress-free. With this in mind, company bosses face the daily challenge of maintaining harmony in the workplace, especially in jobs that are notoriously stressful. Jobs in the media, for example, regularly involve ridiculously long working hours, often with last minute deadlines. Whilst the majority of media types go into the business with their eyes open, knowing that this is the price to pay for a creative and exciting job, there does come a point where enthusiasm begins to wane, especially when stress starts to take its toll. Not only does creative momentum start to flag, so do energy levels, and it isn’t long before employees start ringing in sick with the dreaded phrase that turns every boss pale, ‘burn out’. DAMAGE LIMITATION GOES TOUCHY FEELY As a result of the dreaded burn out, employers are now looking at taking preventative measures rather than have a department running on empty. There are only so many team-building lunches and performance related bonuses that can keep a flagging workforce happy, so bosses are now looking at investing in the wellbeing of their staff by offering alternative therapy and counselling to team members within work time. THE HANDS-ON APPROACH It’s commonplace in many companies to have a masseuse regularly visit the office. One by one, workers spirit themselves away for a massage in a quiet corner
“THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THE ODD DAY WHEN YOU WOULD RATHER WALK OVER HOT COALS THAN SPEND ANOTHER SECOND AT YOUR DESK”
of the office or an unused meeting room, only to emerge half an hour later feeling energised and ready to calmly face the rest of the day. Some companies organise lunchtime yoga sessions to de-stress staff and to help ease the physical and mental pressure of being seated for long periods. Lunch time yoga sessions can be a great source of midday stress relief (and are far more productive than a liquid lunch!). FACTORING ‘CHILL-OUT’ INTO THE TIMESHEETS Some companies go one step further and offer Reiki healing to the workforce. Reiki is a technique which focuses on promoting relaxation and decreasing stress by concentrating on unblocking chakras, which are the specific areas of the body that energy flows through. Reiki can work wonders for the mind, body and spirit, clearing the mind and increasing energy levels. In some particularly stressful jobs, companies even go as far as scheduling in regular counselling sessions, either in person or over the phone, for employees in an attempt to keep them on an even keel whilst they deal with the trials and tribulations of everyday office life. A BIT OF TLC REAPS HUGE REWARDS With any form of therapy, the underlying message that emerges for staff is that the company cares about their wellbeing. And, as a result, the extra hours are easier to accept as being part a give-and-take relationship. Aside from the psychological wellbeing of staff, there is no denying that long hours hunched over a computer will eventually result in back problems and RSI. Many companies are also investing in ergonomic furniture and devices to ensure that monitors and laptops are positioned comfortably. A HAPPY SHIP IS A PROFITABLE SHIP Far from being wasted time and money from a company’s point of view, the investment in stress management and office ergonomics pays off tenfold. Sick days due to stress and back problems are reduced significantly, keeping productivity consistent and alleviating the need to pay for temporary support staff. What’s more, the overall company morale is raised on a constant level, not just for the day or two after a big team-building bash, highlighting once again that refreshed workers result in refreshing work. Article courtesy of www.cmd-ltd.com
on the job
6 0 S ECONDS WITH…
T H E S AT U R D AY S ’ UNA AND MOLLIE
The popsters discuss their longevity, changing sound and deal with those split rumours Q1
In 2008 when you were first brought together, did you ever think you’d have a greatest hits album?
Mollie: That was something we dreamt of. We’ve been very lucky, we’ve worked very hard and of course the support of the fans has been there since the beginning. We wouldn’t be anywhere without them!
What do you think has made you so successful?
Q2
Mollie: I think as a five-piece we work really well together. There are never really any big arguments; we understand each other, and we all have the same drive and passion. If you have your heads in the same place, it’s easier to succeed.
You’ve been together seven years now. What’s changed in that time?
Q3
Una: I don’t think any of us are that different, really. I’m still the same person, I’ve just lived a bit more. I still live each day as it comes. I don’t think I notice things differently. Mollie: I think overall I’m still the same. I’ve learned a lot - when I joined the band I’d just turned 20, now I’m more grown up. I still worry about everything, but I’ve grown up as a performer and a person… we all have.
Has your sound has evolved?
Q4
Q5
Mollie: Yes, we’ve definitely moved along with the times. At the beginning we were straight pop. More recently we’ve become more dancey. That’s the way the times are going, and I think it’s good to show you can move along with that. You can’t be doing the same stuff you were six years ago.
A cynic might say that a greatest hits album means you girls are starting to wrap things up. Is there any truth in that? Una: We’re not splitting up! It’s more about celebrating a milestone. We’re already planning our next album. It’s not the end, it’s the beginning of the next chapter!
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Special 90gsm Brushed Vellum Paper
lunch break
BREAKTIME desktop dining WEST END W AT C H
WILDEAN WONDER ‘The Picture of John Gray’ takes place in London in 1889, when Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for acts of ‘gross indecency’ and explores the impact of his trial and the way that it pushed faith and friendships to the limit. The title refers to the poet John Gray, who was Wilde’s lover and arguably the inspiration behind his novel ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’. It tracks Gray’s transition from impressionable young poet to passionate lover to, finally, pious priest.
R O A S T E D T O M AT O TA R T W I T H R O C K E T A N D PA R M A H A M Serves 4 – 6
Prep 20 mins Cooking 25 mins
INGREDIENTS
• 12 plum tomatoes, halved • Salt and black pepper • 1 teaspoon dried oregano • Olive oil, for drizzling • 500g puff pastry, thawed if frozen • 100g (4oz) mascarpone • 2 handfuls wild rocket • 6 slices of Parma Ham • Balsamic vinegar
METHOD • Preheat the oven to 180°C. Arrange the halved tomatoes in a roasting pan and season with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with dried oregano, then drizzle with olive oil. Transfer to the oven and roast for about 20 – 25 minutes • Meanwhile, roll out the pastry on a lightly floured surface, trimming with a sharp knife to a rectangle measuring approximately 30 x 20cm. Place onto a lightly greased baking sheet • When the tomatoes are cooked, remove from the oven and keep warm. Increase the oven temperature to 200°C and bake for approximately 15 -18 minutes until well-risen and golden brown • Leave to cool and then gently press the surface down slightly. Top with roasted tomatoes, scoops of mascarpone, rocket and slices of Parma Ham • Serve warm, drizzled with olive oil and a sprinkle of balsamic vinegar
lunch break
T R E AT Y O U R S E L F WATCH THIS
LISTEN TO THIS
The Grand Seduction In a fading fishing community on the Newfoundland coast, the mayor is negotiating with a corporation who are interested in setting up shop there - a move that would bring in much-needed jobs. But before they can seal the deal, the town must have a full-time doctor in residence, so the community bands together, trying every trick in their book to convince a visiting doctor to stay. This droll comedy stars Brendan Gleeson and Taylor Kitsch. Out now
POWER HOUSE Wave Shape Personal trainer and The People’s Bootcamp founder Adam Rosante first designed this workout for friends who are professional surfers and paddleboarders. After seeing how effective it was, he decided to put it online for people to enjoy for free. WaveShape is 45-minute, equipmentfree workout that draws on the multidimensional movement patterns of surfing and other board sports to build explosive strength, endurance, balance, and flexibility. The result? A tight, toned body ready to excel in the waves—or just look hot standing on the sand.
Maroon 5 The distinctive vocals of Adam Levine returns on V, Maroon 5’s fifth studio album. Twelve months in the making, the album intends to build on the success of the Moves Like Jagger inspired fourth album, Overexposed, and marks the return of the band’s keyboardist Jesse Carmichael. Promising not one, not two, but 14 massive new anthems, it’s set to be a hit, with lead single Maps already shooting up to the peak of the charts. Out now
BOOK THIS DISHOOM This London gem draws upon the tradition of Bombay’s cafés started by the city’s Persian immigrants, of which there were almost four hundred at their peak in the 1960s. Welcoming people from morning until night, serving tasty breakfasts, quick lunches, early evening drinks and snacks, or dinners, this really is a venue for any occasion. 7 Boundary Street London
lunch break
LOVES 1
3
2 Bijou baking If you’re going to be the envy of the office when you take part in the Breakthrough Bake Off for Breakthrough Breast Cancer, next month, you’ll need to start practising now. Get kitted out and get to it!
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6 1 Dotcom Gift Shop, 6 vintage doily snack loaf baking cases, £2.49 2 Debenhams, Morphey Richards sage accents whisk, £50 3 Home Sense, Blue cakestand, £12.99 4 Dot Com Gift Shop, 72 retro spot cake cases, £1.50 5 Magpie, Coal tit apron, £20 6 Magpie, Fox apron, £20 7 Magpie, set of three cake tins, £26 8 Sainsburys Home, Kitchen collection stand mixer, £199
lunch break
O F F I C E C AT W A L K The only possible upside to waving goodbye to the summer is by welcoming autumn with a fabulous new mac.
2
1
1
4
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WOMEN
MEN
1 Lipsy, Michelle Keegan collection, £78
1 Burton Menswear, Navy cotton mac, £50
2 Very, Fearne Cotton lace collar trench coat, £59
2 Marks and Spencer, Best of British mac, £249
3 White Stuff, Sea kelp plain mac, £95
3 Debenhams, Hammond & Co. By Patrick Grant, £120
4 Daxon, Coral trench coat, £59
lunch break
AND ONE MORE THING ...
S I N G I N G T H E S I C K D AY B L U E S
Office manager Sara Newman is at home on a work day, but she’s not enjoying the experience
SARA NEWMAN Office manager
Did you agree with the columnist? Think you can do better? Email us with your ‘And one more thing’ of approx. 300 words to editor@olemagazine.co.uk
I am off sick today. I’ve been up all night coughing and when I call my boss I am pleased to find my voice sounds worse than I’d imagined. My hair is stuck to my scalp and in one hand I’m clutching half an unravelled toilet roll. In a moment of night time melodrama I have even placed a bucket by my bed. I look nice. But guilt starts to creep in. I’m alive, should I be missing work? . Maybe I should send them a photo of myself? Don’t be silly. I grab my phone and take one. No - I can’t let anyone see that, ever. I check my emails. I’m “not to worry” about my meeting today as someone has covered it. I sense the tone is slightly... off. Next email: ‘Get well soon’ - I detect sarcasm. I close down before realising that answering ‘thank you’ to my well-wishers was the worst thing I could have done. Now they all know I’m well enough to read! They are picturing me with my feet up watching telly and laughing my head off. I re-open laptop and update my Facebook status - ‘Poor me, got the lurgy’. I feel a little less sick, knowing that someone in the office will see it. A red ‘1’ appears in the top left hand corner of the screen - Anna Cairns has commented on your status - ‘Get to work ya big faker’. Cheers sis. Another notification - best friend this time - ‘Poor you, got the LAZY more like! Ah ha ha ha’. And in they pour. I try to delete the damning thread, while work emails bombard me, laced with suspicion and disbelief. I consider de-friending all workmates. The photo! Show them the photo! I grab my phone to locate the awful image, but my vision is failing and I am convulsing. I dive for the bucket just in time. I. Will. Make. You. Believe!’. I grab the phone and snap my face and the bucket of sick. This coincides with one more accusatory ‘hope you’re feeling better’ email, from the company director herself, no less. I channel all my panic, delirium and self-pity into punching a reply of ‘GO TO HELL’, new photo attached.
7-8 OCTOBER 2014
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